|
[South Park Elementary,
Garrison's class. A group of visiting kids in yellow G.G.W.K. shirts
stands next to Garrison]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Okay, children, we have a special guest today, a woman
recruiting young people [she walks to the group and smiles] for a
national choir tour. Now I know that choir tours are totally stupid and
lame [she frowns], but please, give her your full attention. [to her]
Go ahead.
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Uh. Thank you, Mr. Garrison. [cheerfully] How are we
all doing today?! [the kids' eyes wander] I can't hear you! I said, How
are we all doing?! [Cartman farts]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[angrily] Eric Cartman, you say "excuse me"!
|
| Cartman: |
Okay.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[to the choir teacher] Go ahead.
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Children, we are a national choir called, "Getting Gay
With Kids!" We're gonna do a big tour down in Central America to help
save the rainforest, and you can be a part of it!
|
| Kenny: |
(This sounds fucking screwed) [the others laugh]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Kenny McCormick, you speak when you're spoken to!! [to
the choir teacher] Go ahead.
|
| Choir Teacher: |
You see, we take kids from all over the country and put
them in a choir [Pip yawns and Bill notices. Clyde nods off] where we
sing and dance to raise awareness about our vanishing rainforest.
|
| Choir Boy: |
[steps forward] Did you know over 10,000 acres of
rainforest are bolldozed every year?
|
| Choir Girl: |
[steps forward] That's right. And over 30% of the
world's oxygen [Kenny sees her and begins to swoon] is made in the
rainforest. [smiles back at him. Kenny's in love - ahem, distracted.
The camera stays on him]
|
| Choir Teacher: |
So, who wants to join the fun??
|
| Cartman: |
What if you don't have any rhythm?
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Excuse me?
|
| Cartman: |
Well, like my friend Kyle. He's Jewish, so he doesn't
have any rhythm.
|
| Kyle: |
Shut up, fatass!
|
| Stan: |
Choirs suck.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Kyle Broflovski, you watch your
language!! Eric Cartman, you be nice to people!! Stan Marsh, you mind
your manners!! Kenny McCormick, you pay attention!! [sighs deeply and
tells the choir teacher] Go ahead.
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Well, uh, that's all, really. [the girl picks her nose,
smiling at Kenny] So, if anyone is interested in seeing the rainforest
and joining our choir, I'll leave information packets up front.
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, that's good. We need some more toilet paper. [the
other kids laugh]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
All right, that does it!!
|
|
[Mr. Mackey's office. The kid
in the blue aviator cap isn't sitting on the bench outside, as he
usually is]
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
[behind the door] I am tired of seeing you in my
office, young man! [The camera is now inside] You get sent here every
day, Craig! [Oh. There he is]
|
| Craig: |
I know.
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Why can't you behave?
|
| Craig: |
…I don't know.
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
What do you have to say for yourself?! [nothing] Well,
I tell you what, young man. Uh, you're gonna be held back a grade if
you don't luh- [Craig sticks his right middle finger up] Did you just
flip me off?
|
| Craig: |
No.
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Yes you did, you just flipped me
the bird! Now, see? This is exactly what I'm talking about! If you
don't shape up, mkay, and get your head straight, uh- [Craig does it
again] There! You just flipped me off again!
|
| Craig: |
No I didn't.
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Yes you did! And until you stop flipping people off,
you can just go back to the waiting room, mkay?! Next! [Craig hops off
the chair as the door opens. The boys enter] Well, well, well, if it
isn't Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Eric. [Craig exits]
|
| Kyle: |
Hey, Craig.
|
| Eric: |
Ey, don't flip me off, you son of a bitch!
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Sit down, boys. Now, let's see. What did Mr. Garrison
send you in here for? "The boys were being rude while a choir teacher
was giving some stupid presentation-"
|
| Stan: |
It's just some dumb activist kids' choir thing.
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Uh, young man, "Getting Gay With Kids" is not dumb,
mkay? It just so happens that I'm on the board of directors.
|
| Kyle: |
Dude! All those choirs are the same. They don't even
really sing. They use prerecorded tapes.
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Well, guess what, boys? I think that "Getting Gay With
Kids" is just what you need. I'm gonna sign up all four of you.
|
| Stan: |
What?!
|
| Kyle: |
You can't do that! [Cartman's jaw drops]
|
| Kenny: |
(Woohoo!) [the boys look at him] (I mean, 'Oh.') [looks
down]
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
I think this will be very good for you [writes their
names down]
|
| Stan: |
But we don't even care about the rainforest.
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
And that's exactly why you need to go!
|
| Cartman: |
[drops down and pleads] Please, Mr. Mackey, we'll be
good. Don't send us to that ole kids' choir. Have mercy, Mr. Mackey.
|
|
[Kyle's house, some days
later. The Get Gay With Kids bus pulls up to Kyle's house to pick up
Kyle, Cartman, and Stan]
|
| Sheila: |
Be safe, Kyle. Bring me something back from the
rainforest.
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Oh, nonono. The rainforest is very fragile. We must
take only pictures and leave only footprints.
|
| Sheila: |
Oh, I didn't realize.
|
| Choir Boy: |
Did you know that right now, bulldozers are tearing
down thousands of acres of rainforest every day?
|
| Cartman: |
[as he enters the bus] Aw, man, this is gonna suck
donkey balls.
|
| Stan: |
[As Sharon drags him to the bus] Please don't make me
go on a choir tour, Mom, please!
|
| Sharon: |
Stan, you should be excited. I would love to see the
rainforest. Besides, your dad and I need some time alone. [tosses him
into the bus]
|
| Stan: |
Nooo-ho! [The door closes and the bus pulls away. Stan
and Kyle look out the back window in dismay]
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Okay, children, that's all of
us. We're ready to head for the Latin American nation of Costa Rica, a
country filled with virgin rainforest.
|
| Cartman: |
Whoopee.
|
| Choir Teacher: |
And you must be Eric Cartman. I've heard about you. You
don't respect nature or other cultures.
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah, pretty much.
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Well, I'm gonna change the way you think, kiddo.
|
| Choir Girl: |
[Kenny sits next to her] My name's Kelly.
|
| Kenny: |
(My name's Kenny.)
|
| Kelly: |
Lenny?
|
| Kenny: |
(No, it's Kenny.)
|
| Kelly: |
Johnny?
|
| Kenny: |
(Kenny!)
|
| Kelly: |
Oh. [looks away and picks her nose.]
|
| Choir Girl: |
Now, we've got a looong trip ahead of us, so let's take
the opportunity to learn our choreography.
|
| Cartman: |
[hushed] The nightmare begins.
|
|
[The bus rolls along. A
map pops up, showing the bus's route, and Latin music plays. It croses
the border at Mexicali, goes down the Baja peninsula, takes a ferry to
Mexico and cuts across the North to the Gulf, then snakes down Central
America to Costa Rica. They arrive at San José.] |
| Choir Teacher: |
Oh, look, children! I think we're entering San
José, which is the capital of Costa Rica. [the kids move to
their windows and look out] Oh! This is so exciting!
|
| Cartman: |
Oh my God! Dude, look at how dirty and crappy
everything is!
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Eric, Costa Rica is a Third-World country. These people
are much poorer than those in the U.S.
|
| Cartman: |
Well, why the hell don't they get jobs?! [Throws open
his window and yells] Ey! Why don't you people quit slacking off, and
get a job! What's wrong with you?! Go to college!
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Eric, sit down!
|
| Cartman: |
[sits] Look, you've gotta be firm with these people or
they just slack off and be poor forever. Right, Kenny? [Kenny looks at
him angrily] Hey, maybe that's it, Kenny. Maybe you're Costa Rican;
that's why your family's so poor.
|
| Kenny: |
[to Kelly] (Argh! That's just so untrue.)
|
| Kelly: |
[picks her nose] Your family isn't poor? [picks her
nose]
|
| Cartman: |
Whoa, dude, look over there! [The
bus stops. There are three women in front of a shop. A man has just
dropped them off, pays them and drives away, and they wave at him.]
Wow! Costa Rican prostitutes! Hey, look at the prostitutes, you guys!
|
| Redheaded Prostitute: |
[with heavy accent] What are chu looking at, man?
|
| Middle Prostitute: |
Yeah, why don't chu take a peekture?
|
| Cartman: |
Okay. [pretends] Kugheek! [grins]
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Eric, SIT DOWN!
|
|
[the bus stops at the Centro
Nacional de Costa Rica and all exit]
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Kids, this is the Costa Rican Capitol building. This is
where all the leaders of the Costa Rican government make their-
|
| Cartman: |
[rushing out] Oh my God, [covers his nose] it smells
like ass out here.
|
| Choir Teacher: |
All right, that does it! [turns Cartman around] Eric
Cartman, you respect other cultures this instant!
|
| Cartman: |
[covers his nose again] I wasn't saying anything about
their culture, I was just saying their city smells like ass.
|
| Kelly: |
Wow, seeing a place like this really makes you
appreciate living in America, huh?
|
| Kenny: |
[in bliss] (Uh-huh.) [Kelly picks her nose again]
|
| Choir Teacher: |
You may think that making fun of Third-World countries
is funny, but let me-
|
| Cartman: |
I don't think it's funny! This place is overcrowded,
smelly, and poor! That's not funny, that sucks!
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Eric, will you please, please, just keep your mouth shut
while we present ourselves to the Costa Rican President?
|
| Cartman: |
Why?
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Because I'll buy you some ice cream afterwards if you
do.
|
| Cartman: |
Eh-heheh!
|
|
[inside the Capitol. All seem
to be facing the President]
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Well, it was a long trip, but the children are very
excited to sing tomorrow.
|
| El Presidente: |
[long pause] ¿Qué?
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Uh, we're, uh, we're the choir? That, that was sent
from… the United States?
|
| El Presidente: |
[long pause] ¿Qué?
|
| Choir Teacher: |
We're the group singing for the "Save The Rainforest"
summit tomorrow? [her head is cocked way to the left by now. El
Presidente has no clue. Now the teacher is worried] Oh dear, where's,
where's Mr. Mackey? He should have been here by now. [faces the kids]
Children, do any of you speak Spanish? [Cartman waves his left arm]
Don't you dare! [the main door opens]
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
[rushing in] Sorry I'm late.
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Ogh! Thank goodness you're here; I don't speak any
Spanish.
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Oh, no problem. [to El Presidente and his men] Usted es
choir de Estados Unidos, mbien?
|
| El Presidente: |
¡O! ¡O! Save The Rainforest.
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Yeess!
|
| El Presidente: |
Pablo los llevará en un tur de la jungla.
[Pablo appears]
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Uh, he says Pablo here will take you on a rainfoest
tour.
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Oh boy! Mr. Presidente, round up your subjects outside.
We have a special gift for you. The gift… uh-of song. [moves
aside]
|
| El Presidente: |
[long pause] ¿Qué?
|
|
[On the Capitol steps]
|
| Choir Teacher: |
All right, children, Let's get in our rows quickly, so
we can begin.
|
| Kelly: |
[walks over to Kenny, her partner] Did you remember all
the choreography, Lenny?
|
| Kenny: |
(Yeah, I think so)
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Hello, everybody. This is just a little rehearsal for
tomorrow, so we may be a little rusty. [chuckles and shrugs. The people
just look. She presses the play button. The kids begin to dance to the
music, in the key of D]
|
| The Tape: |
[Intro] Tootin' tootin' to, tada choo choo wow!
[Men sing] There's a place that is magical, and full of
rain.
[Women sing] But now it needs help, because it is in pain.
[Men sing] Cleaning the earth is a mighty big chore
[All sing] We're spreading awareness like never before!
[Chorus] Getting Gay With Kids is here! [Kyle is out of
step now]
To spread the word and bring you cheer
Let's save the rainforest! What do you say?!
Being an activist is totally gay!
[Bridge. Man sings] Someday if we work hard, boys and
girls,
[Woman sings] There'll be nothing but rainforests covering the entire
world!
[Man joins her] World!
[Chorus. Kids rush into the audience and bring some
members back as new partners]
Getting Gay With Kids is here!
To spread the word and bring you cheer. Yeah!
[Move to E flat] Getting Gay With Kids is here!
Let's save the rainforest! It's totally gay!
It's totally gay!
[the kids regroup and Kyle stumbles into place. The tape is stopped and
the subjects just walk away]
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Great job, gang! You were really all over the place,
Kyle.
|
| Kyle: |
Thanks!
|
| Cartman: |
I told you Jewish people don't have rhythm!
|
| Kyle: |
Fuck off, Cartman!
|
| Stan: |
No, dude! I think Cartman might actually be right.
|
| Kyle: |
[alarmed] No! That's a stereotype.
|
| Stan: |
Dude! Maybe you really don't have any rhythm. [Camera
closes in on a stunned Kyle]
|
|
[Next day, the sun rises
over a sea of green, the canopy of the rainforest. The choir teacher
and her group are touring with Pablo]
|
| Pablo: |
This is now secondary rainforest we are entering.
Notice the canopy of foliage.
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Oh, it's everything I ever dreamed it would be!
|
| Kyle: |
God-damn, it's hot out here!
|
| Stan: |
[sees a branch] Aaah! Snake!
|
| Kyle: |
No, dude. That's a branch.
|
| Stan: |
Oh. [sees it again] Aaah! Snake!
|
| Kyle: |
No. That's the same branch again.
|
| Stan: |
Oh.
|
| Pablo: |
[turns and stops the group] The rainforest is very
delicate, and we must take steps to protect it.
|
| Cartman: |
[impatient] Yeah yeah yeah, take steps to protect it,
blah blah blah. [Pablo looks at him] We here this a million times back
up in the States.
|
| Pablo: |
Here! Look! These are squirrel monkeys. [one sits in a
tree, resting] Endangered inhabitants of the rainforest.
|
| Kelly: |
Wow! Isn't he neat, Lenny? [takes a picture]
|
| Cartman: |
[takes a branch and starts beating the monkey] Bad! Bad
monkey! [it screams in pain]
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Eric, what the heck are you doing?? [the monkey flees]
|
| Cartman: |
[stops] I'm asserting myself. It's tough love. Just
like my Mr. Kitty. When he's bad I say, "Uh that a bad Mr. Kitty!" and
I smack him on the head!
|
| Pablo: |
And here is a three-toed sloth. [hangs from a branch
with all four legs]
|
| Cartman: |
[takes the branch and starts beating the sloth] It's
bad! It's a bad three-toed sloth!
|
| Choir Teacher: |
[pulls him away] Eric, for God's sake, knock it off!!
|
| Cartman: |
[throws the branch at the sloth] Respect my authoritah!
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Well, Mr. Pedro, this was a great tour, but I guess we
should be getting back. We have a big concert tomorrow, Don't we,
kids?!
|
| Kids: |
YEAH!
|
| Choir Boy: |
I wish we could have seen the Yanogapa.
|
| Kyle: |
What's the Yanogapa?
|
| Choir Teacher: |
The Yanogapa are gentle native
people that live in the rainforest, but bulldozers are destroying their
homes. Soon, they will have nowhere to go. So we must stop bulldozing
the rainforest so that they can live-!
|
| Cartman: |
[fed up, buries his face in his mitts] Aagh Ghyod, here
she goes again!!
|
| Stan: |
AAAAAAA! [hides behind a girl]
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Stanley, what is it?
|
| Stan: |
SNAAAKE! [all see and gasp]
|
| Pablo: |
[standing next to the snake wrapped around a tree trunk]
Oh, yes. Uhthis is what we call a coral snake. Notice the red markings.
Quite an amazing creature.
|
| Stan: |
AAAAAAA! [runs farther back]
|
| Pablo: |
What's the matter, little boy?
|
| Cartman: |
He's a little wuss, what's it look like? [Stan is
hiding behind some foliage]
|
| Stan: |
[lifts some away] I'm just a-scared of snakes.
|
| Pablo: |
Naw, naw. You must remember. This snake is more afraid
of us than we are of it. [the snake jumps out of the tree and wraps
itself around him, suffocating him]
Oh!! [the snake bites him all over the face. Stan looks and drops the
foliage so as to hide, and Pablo falls]
Agh.
|
| Choir Teacher: |
[in horror] Oh my God!! [the snake starts swallowing
Pablo]
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah, that snake is really scared of us all right!
|
| Choir Teacher: |
[petrified] Jesus Christ, is he dead?! [Pablo's bones
come out of the snake's anus]
|
| Stan: |
Dude!
|
| Kyle: |
My guess would be 'yes.'
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Oh, no! God, no, no! [spins around] Don't panic,
children
|
| Cartman: |
[beats the snake, which turns and comes at him] Bad!
That's a bad snay-ah! [hurries away, and the snake gives chase]
|
|
[The sun sets over the
rainforest. The choir teacher now guides the group…]
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Maybe we came from that way. [points to her left] No,
nno. Let's try this way. [points to her right and moves that way]
|
| Kelly: |
[walking behind Kenny] Benny? Do you think we're gonna
be okay?
|
| Kenny: |
[stops] (Look. Everything is fine.)
|
| Kelly: |
That's good. Can I tell you something?
|
| Kenny: |
(Okay.)
|
| Kelly: |
I think I like you. [holds his shoulder]
|
| Kenny: |
(Really?!)
|
| Kelly: |
[releases] Yeah. I mean, I think we communicate really
well.
|
| Kenny: |
(Oh, that's great!)
|
| Kelly: |
[looks away] No, that's not good.
|
| Kenny: |
(That's not good?)
|
| Kelly: |
No. See, if I start to like you too much, [looks away]
I'm only going to get my heart broken. 'Cause we live on opposite ends
of the country. [looks at him again] Once this choir tour is over,
we'll never see each other again. [grabs him and gets emotional] And
that would devastate me. [lets go] So I can't have any feelings for
you, I just can't, Lenny! [walks away]
|
| Kenny: |
[pissed] (Aaaargh!)
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Oh, children, the sun is setting. We have to find our
way out of here quick!
|
|
[The sun sets and the moon
appears over the rainforest. Lightning flashes and the camera slowly
drops to ground cover]
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Whoa-kay, okay, everything is just fine, kids. Now it
is important that we all stick together. Is everybody still here?
|
| A Boy: |
I'm not.
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Who's not?!
|
| A Boy: |
Me.
|
| Kelly: |
Benny, will you hold my hand? [picks her nose. When she
lowers her hand, Kenny grabs it, but she looks away] I don't want to
get emotionally attached, though.
|
| Stan: |
Oh my God, dude!! I just saw Tony Danza!!
|
| Choir Teacher: |
No, you didn't just see Tony Danza, Stanley. |
|
[Next day. The sun
rises over the Centro Nacional. A rooster crows. A maasive stage is
prepared for the Save the Rain Forest summit. It looks like an
amphitheatre, with a scaffold holding ten speakers over the stage and
bullhorns atop the pillars. Balloons and a Save the Rain Forest banner
are also anchored to the scaffold]
|
| El Presidente: |
[on stage] Bueno, bueno. Pongan el arcoiris al lado de
las tortugas muertas. (Put the rainbow next to the picture of dying sea
turtles.) [the worker moves along]
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
[approaching] Buenos dias, Señor Presidente,
¿mbien? (Hello, El Presidente)
|
| El Presidente: |
¿Qué tal?
¿Está todo bien? (Oh hello. Is everything going
okay?)
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Uh, muy bien. Señor Presidente,
um… ¿Usted no ha visto el coro, no, mm-hm bien?
(Oh fine, fine… You,
uh, haven't seen the choir have you?)
|
| El Presidente: |
¡¿QUÉ?! (WHAT?!)
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Parece que anoche no regresaron al hotel, hmbien.
(Well, they never came back to the hotel last night…)
|
| El Presidente: |
¡¿Está bromeando,
Mackey?!
¡¡¡Más de cien mil personas
atenderan este evento!!! ¡¿Y me dice usted
que no tendré a mis chiquitos lindos para que les canten?!
(You've got
to be kidding!! I have over a hundred thousand people coming to this
event!!! Are you telling me that I have no darling little kids to sing
to them?!)
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Estoy seguro que-uh-mmm,
que-aaah llegá- llegáran. No se preocupe. Eh,
olvidelo, ¿yeah-mbien? (I
am sure they'll get here. No problem, forget I said anything.)
|
|
[At the same time, in the
rainforest, the group rises and marches on]
|
| Kyle: |
Dude, we're totally lost! We're gonna die out here!
|
| Kelly: |
We are?
|
| Choir Teacher: |
Don't worry, Kelly. We're
gonna find our way out of the rainforest and make it back to the
concert in time. We just need to respect our mother rainforest so that
she will respect us.
|
| Kyle: |
Miss Stevens, you have a bug on your back.
|
| Miss Stevens: |
Oh, really? Could you brush it off? [shows her
backpack, and a huge insect half her size growls on it]
|
| Kyle: |
Um, no.
|
| Miss Stevens: |
[panics] Oh, boy oh!! Oh my God, get it off me!! For
the love of God, get it off me!! Oh my God!! [the insect growls and
falls silent. Miss Stevens returns] Oh-okay, children. We must
understand that the insects of the rainforest help the delicate balance
of life here. [sees the insect, still on her back] Oh my God!! [runs
off]
|
| Kyle: |
Rainforests suck! I wanna go home!
|
| Kelly: |
Me, too! [the rest start to groan]
|
| Miss Stevens: |
Shh. Children, okay, let's try
to listen to what the rainforest tells us. And if we use our ears she
can tell us so many things. Perhaps-
|
| Kyle: |
[Kyle runs into an adult] Aaaaa! There's a dude here!
[a soldier holding a shotgun]
|
| Miss Stevens: |
Oh, thank goodness! Hello, sir. We are lost. [giggles]
Cah heh, can you help us?
|
| Soldier: |
¿Qué?
|
| Cartman: |
[moves forward] Let me try, let me try. We are from
America. A-me-ri-ca. [the soldier listens] We are lost and verry
hungry. Necesito burri-tos. [rubs his belly] |
| Stan: |
I don't wanna burrito, I want a taco. Supreme.
|
| Cartman: |
Y taco.
|
| Kyle: |
I want two tostadas and mild sauce.
|
| Cartman: |
Two tostadas and mih-um enchilito.
|
| Miss Stevens: |
Boys, please. Not every Spanish person eats tacos and
burritos. That's a stereotype. [the soldier points a way out with his
thumb] Children, he wants us to follow him! Oooh, thank goodness! I
think this ordeal is over! [they leave]
|
|
[The group arrives at a
military camp deep in the rainforest. Soldiers go about their
maneuvers. The kids pass a small barbed-wire bunker]
|
| Stan: |
This doesn't look very safe.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. I think we should get the hell out of here.
|
| Miss Stevens: |
Now kids, let's be a bit more
"open-minded." I read all about this in Newsweek; this is a "people's
army." They are fighting the fascist policies of their fascist
government. [addresses them with a lilt] Oh, hello. Do you speak of
English?
|
| People's Army Leader: |
[crisp] Who are you?!
|
| Miss Stevens: |
Oh, wonderful! We were lost, and it is such a great
coincidence we found you. You see, we're here to protest the
government-sanctioned raping of your rainforest. [the soldiers just
stare] We are fighters, just like you. Could you help us get back to
San José? [no response] Um… [thinks] Oh, I know!
Perhaps you would like a gift.. Well, we have o-honly-hee one gift to
give. The gift… of song [she moves aside]
|
| Kids: |
Honh. [she presses the play button, and the song plays.
The kids begin to dance]
|
| Miss Stevens: |
[through clenched teeth] Kyle, for the love of God, do
the right choreography. [as the chorus nears, Kyle is still doing the
wrong moves] Oh, Kyle, please! [the kids dance through the first line
of the chorus…]
|
| People's Army Leader: |
Enough! [the music stops]
|
| Miss Stevens: |
Well, we hope that our gift of song has warmed your
hearts.
|
| People's Army Leader: |
We're not getting gay with any kids, okay?
|
| Miss Stevens: |
Uh, yah, soooo, do you have a phone we could use?
|
| People's Army Leader: |
Heehee yes, we have a phone. It's right over there next
to the 12-person jacuzzi. [the other men begin to laugh] Now, get out
of here before we kill you!
|
| Miss Stevens: |
[sullen] Is it because of the little Jewish boy's
choreography?
|
| Kyle: |
Hey!
|
| People's Army Leader: |
[the soldier next to him cocks his shotgun] You white
Americans make me sick! [emphasizes his disgust with thumps on the
table]
You waste food, oil, and everything else because you're so rich, and
then you tell the rest of the world to save the rainforest because you
like its pretty flowers.
|
|
[two Costa Rican
soldiers can be seen behind the gasoline barrels. They pop up and open
fire. The people's army immediately responds, and bullets fly
everywhere. The kids scream]
|
| People's Army Leader: |
[waving the choir away] ¡Rapido, rapido!
[Kenny steps in front of Kelly to shield her from any shots coming
their way]
|
| Miss Stevens: |
Run, children, run! [the choir moves out]
|
|
[Back in San José]
|
| El Presidente: |
¡¿Donde putos está el
coro?!
¡El espectáculo comienza pronto! (Where the hell
is our choir?! The
show is supposed to start soon!)
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
No se preocupe, ¿mbien? El
Presidente, estáran aqui. Este evento es muy importante para
que la
maestra del coro se lo pierda. ¿M-m-mbien? (Don't worry, El
Presidente,
they'll be here. This is too important for the choir teacher to miss.)
|
|
[Back in the rainforest. The
choir now walks along a river bank]
|
| Miss Stevens: |
Hello?? Anybody?? Hellp??
|
| Choir Boy: |
Wow, look at the pretty flower. [stops by to touch a
huge yellow flower with blue support on a large green stalk]
|
| Miss Stevens: |
Oh nonono, Jake. That fragile flower is very delicate,
okay? [before she could finish the sentence, the flower wraps its
petals around Jake and pulls him off the floor.]
|
| Jake: |
Aaaah. Ugh, help!
|
| Miss Stevens: |
[quakes] Ga-ow! [quickly grabs Jake's feet and pulls.
The choir walks on]
|
| Kelly: |
[pouting] I wanna go home! [Kenny stops and turns] I
hate the rainforest!
|
| Kenny: |
[walks up and puts his arm around her] (Oh, there,
there now. There's nothing to be afraid of, dear.) [comforted, she
smiles]
|
| Kelly: |
[gushing] Oh Lenny, hold me. [moves away] No, I can't
get attached. [pause, then moves closer] Oh, but I do like you.
|
| Kenny: |
(Well, I like you-)
|
| Kelly: |
[moves away] Oh, but you're only going to leave me.
|
| Kenny: |
[pissed] (Oh, God damn it!)
|
|
[San José. The
reporters for the telecast have arrived and are in position]
|
| Short Reporter: |
We're here live in San José,
Costa Rica, where hundreds of rich Americans have gathered for the Save
the Rain Forest summit. Everyone is here so they can feel good about
themselves, and act like they aren't the ones responsible for the
rainforest's peril.
|
| Slim Reporter: |
That's right, Bob, and of
course the main attraction today is the darling kids' choir, "Getting
Gay With Kids," all of whom must be backstage preparing at this very
moment.
|
|
[The rainforest. The terrain
looks familiar…]
|
| Miss Stevens: |
[the problems mount] Oh, there's just no end to this
place! I think maybe we're going in circles. Oh, dear God! The summit
starts in an hour; I'm gonna lose my job! [another large insect roars
behind her backpack, and she jumps] Aaaah!
|
| Cartman: |
[turns and walks back the way they came] I'm sick of
this bullcrap! I'm not following this hippie around anymore.
|
| Miss Stevens: |
Eric, where are you going?
|
| Cartman: |
[stops] I'm going this way!
|
| Miss Stevens: |
Young man, I am the adult here, and I say you go this
way!
|
| Cartman: |
Look: you can stay over here, but I'm going over here.
|
| Miss Stevens: |
Young man, I have had it!!
|
| Cartman: |
Nononono! You here, me here! Screw you guys, I'ma going
home.
|
| Miss Stevens: |
Good! You deserve to die, you little bastard! [the
others watch him leave] Eric, we have to stay together!
|
|
[Eric moves through the
rainforest]
|
| Cartman: |
God-damned stupid hippie activist! I
should be home nestled in the couch with my Mr. Kitty right now
watching Fat Abbot cartoons and eat- [finds himself at a clearing full
of bulldozers moving wood around] Yes! I knew it! I'm saved! [rushes in]
|
|
[Back by the river]
|
| Stan: |
Hey. Maybe Cartman was right.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. It happened once before.
|
| Miss Stevens: |
No. The Spirit of Maya has told me to go this way.
|
|
[At the clearing]
|
| Cartman: |
[reaches the foreman] Mister! You've gotta help me! I'm
starving to death!
|
| Foreman: |
What are you doing here, little boy?
|
| Cartman: |
I was with my class, and we got all lost in the
rainfoest, and I need some food. I'm fading fast!
|
| Foreman: |
Lost in the rainforest? Oh, my Lord! Where are all the
others?
|
| Cartman: |
Food! I have to have food! [falls on his face]
|
| Foreman: |
Oh my God! Get this child some food, quick!
|
| Cartman: |
[lifts his head] Chicken wings. [drops it]
|
| Foreman: |
Chicken wings!
|
| Cartman: |
[lifts his head] Medium spicy. [drops it]
|
|
[San José]
|
| Crowd: |
Start the show! Start the show! Start the show!
|
| El Presidente: |
La gente está ansiosa. Dentro
de poco, se alborotan y empiezan a tirar chorchadas. (The activists are
getting anxious. They will start throwing things soon.)
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Estoy seguro que llegáran.
Eh-solo poquito mas de tiempo, ¿mbien? (I'm sure the choir
will be
here. We just need a little more time)
|
| El Presidente: |
Bueno, voy a entretenerlos con mis chistes de Polacos.
[heads for center stage] (Well, I will try and amuse them with my
Pollace Jokes.)
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Mbien.
|
| El Presidente: |
[on the mike] ¿A cuantos Polacos les toma a
comerse un burrito? [the crowd is silent. He holds up two fingers] Dos.
[seeing no reaction, he laughs, then tries again]
¿A cuantos Polacos les toma a manejar a Panamá?
(How many Pollacks does
it take to eat a burrito? Two. How many Pollacks does it take to drive
to Panama?)
|
|
[In the rainforest, the choir
keeps walking]
|
| Miss Stevens: |
Oh God, this is a nightmare! We're never going to make
the festival!
|
| Stan |
Hey, look over there. Isn't that smoke? [a column of
smoke is seen floating above the canopy]
|
| Miss Stevens: |
Let's go, quickly! [they rush towards the column and
find a small campfire]
|
| Kyle: |
Hey, it's a fire. That means there must be people. [the
shrubs around them rustle, and they face the shrubs. Some big-lipped
dwarves surround them.]
|
| Miss Stevens: |
Children, it's the Yanogapa. [to the dwarves] Do not be
afraid. We are not here to tear down your rainforest. [the group is
surrounded by spear-bearing Yanogapa men.]
|
| Yanogapa 1: |
Damtilié?
|
| Yanogapa 2: |
Damtilié?
|
| Miss Stevens: |
[marveling as the Yanogapa start to dance] Look how
they live in peace with all living things. Gentle, noble…
[realizes what their dance means] Run for your lives, children!
|
| Stan: |
Holy crap! [all run]
|
| Yanogapa: |
[giving chase and throwing spears] Damtilié!
Damtilié! Damtilié!
|
| Stan: |
[Damtilié!] Jesus Christ!
|
| Stan: |
[Damtilié! Damtilié!] Run run
ruuun! [Damtilié! A huge insect lands on her backpack and
roars. She looks back and the insect flies away] Waaah!
|
| Kelly: |
[trips] Aaaaa! Lenny!
|
| Kenny: |
[goes back for her] (I've gotcha. Let's go!) [they run,
but end up in a bed of quicksand with the others]
|
| Kyle: |
What the hell?
|
| Stan: |
We're sinking.
|
| Miss Stevens: |
It's quicksand, people! [the Yanogapa warriors leap
with excitement. Damtilié…]
|
|
[The Yanogapa village.
Heads of unfortunate trespassers hang on poles. An abandoned camera is
among them. Further on, the choir is found seated around a
campfire…
tied up individually] |
| Stan: |
All we ever heard growing up was, "Save the rainforest.
The rainforest is fragile"!
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah! Fragile my ass!
|
| Kelly: |
Larry, if we make it out of this, I want to be your
girlfriend. Even if we do live in different places, I don't care!
[snuggles up to him]
|
| Kenny: |
(Kelly, you said it!) [she tries to pick her nose, but
the ropes won't let her]
|
|
[the Yanogapa men are
apparently no different than other men. They have dressed Miss Stevens
in a skimpy home-made red-and-white cheerleading outfit, complete with
pom-poms, then strung her up between two trees. They dance around her,
chanting "Damtilié"]
|
| Miss Stevens: |
[put off] Okay. Just what the heck is going on here,
people? [a giant Yanogapa rises from the brush and his voice rumbles
across the rainforest. She responds] AAAAA!!
|
| Kelly: |
Oh no, that big thing is going to make love to Miss
Stevens!
|
| Miss Stevens: |
All right, that does it!! [the men stop dancing] Blast
these stupid-ass rainforests!! This place fucking sucks!! [the giant
Yanogapa is shocked] I was wrong!! Fuck the rainforest!! I fucking hate
it, I fucking hate it!!
|
| Stan: |
Oh, now she figures it out.
|
|
[A bulldozer appears, driven by
the foreman]
|
| Formena: |
Quick! Everybody help the children!
|
|
[more bulldozers enter
and spread out. The workers go after the Yanogapa and chase them away.
The children brighten up considerably. One bulldozer scoops up a group
of Yanogapa and crushes them against a tree, killing them, then backs
up over a coral snake, crushing it to bits, then rolls forward over a
large insect, crushng it.]
|
| Stan: |
Wow!
|
| Kyle: |
Dude! Bulldozers rule!
|
| Foreman: |
[cutting the ropes off the kids] Come on! Let's get you
back to civilization!
|
| Kids: |
HOORAY!!
|
| Miss Stevens: |
[being cut down by a worker] Hooray, children!
|
|
[Later. Miss Stevens is
back in her regular clothes and sits on a gasoline barrel. Kyle sits on
another one, and the rest of the kids take positions all over the
bulldozer. All sip lemonade]
|
| Miss Stevens: |
How did you know where we were?
|
| Foreman: |
Your little friend helped me out.
|
| Miss Stevens: |
Eric?
|
| Cartman: |
[arriving] Who'd you expect? Merv Griffin?
|
| Miss Stevens: |
What exactly are you guys doing out here, with all this
…construction equipment?
|
| Foreman: |
We're clearing out big sections of the rainforest for a
lumberyard.
|
| Miss Stevens: |
Really? [excited] That's great!!
|
| Foreman: |
You mean, you don't mind?
|
| Miss Stevens: |
Nooo, I hate the rainforest! You go right ahead and
plow down this whole fucking thing!
|
| Foreman: |
That's swell!
|
| Kelly: |
Okay, Benny. So in order for our long-distance
relationship to work, we'll have to call each other every other day.
|
| Kenny: |
(Okay. I can do that.) [lightning strikes him, knocking
her away]
(Christ!) [he falls, she gets up and goes to him]
|
| Kelly: |
Aaaah! Lenny! No! [Stan and Kyle rush in]
|
| Stan: |
Oh my God, they killed Kenny.
|
| Kyle: |
You bastards!
|
| Kelly: |
[turns to face them] Whah?? Who?! Who killed him?!
|
| Stan: |
They did.
|
| Kelly: |
Who's "they"?!
|
| Stan: |
[pause] You know, "they."
|
| Kyle: |
They're… they're bastards.
|
| Kelly: |
Well don't just stand there, help him!!
|
| Kyle: |
What?
|
| Stan: |
Help …him?
|
| Kelly: |
Aaagh! [turns around and pounds on Kenny's chest]
Come on, Benny! Breathe! [she tries giving him mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation, then pounds on his chest again]
Breathe, you son of a bitch! [she picks her nose, then pounds some
more. Kenny coughs, and she listens]
|
| Kyle: |
Whoa, dude!
|
|
[San José. The
choir is now at the Save the Rain Forest summit stage]
|
| Summit Host: |
And now, here to teach us about the rainfoest is
Getting Gay With Kids. [the crowd applauds]
|
| Miss Stevens: |
Does everybody remember the new lyrics? [the kids nod
yes] And…
|
| The New Lyrics: |
[Intro] Tootin' tootin' to, tada choo choo wow!
[Men sing] There's a place called the rainforest; it
truly sucks ass.
[Women sing] Let's knock it all down and get rid of it fast.
[Men sing] You say, "Save the rainforest," but what do you know?
[All sing] You've never been to the rainforest before.
[Chorus] Getting Gay With Kids is here! [Kyle still
can't dance]
To tell you things you might not like to hear.
You only fight these causes 'cause caring sells.
All you activists can go fuck yourselves!
|
| Male Activist: |
That was so inspiring.
|
| Female Activist: |
What a wonderful message.
|
| The New Lyrics, part II: |
[Bridge. Man sings] Someday if
we work hard, boys and girls,
[Each year, the Rainforest is
responsible for over three
thousand deaths from
accidents, attacks or
illnesses.]
[Woman sings] There'll be no more rainforests left in the entire world!
[There
are over seven
hundred things in the
Rainforest that cause cancer.]
[Man joins her] World!
[Join the fight now and help
stop the Rainforest before
it's too late.]
[Chorus]
Getting Gay With Kids is here!
To spread the word and bring you cheer. Yeah!
[Move to E flat] Getting Gay With Kids is here!
Let's knock down the rainforest! What do you say?!
It's totally gay! It's totally gay!
[End of Rainforest Schmainforest]
|
