|
[At the bus stop]
|
| Boys: |
School day, school day, teacher's golden ru…
|
| Kyle: |
Ah, damn it! My little brother's trying to follow me to
school, again.
|
| Ike: |
Zeeponanner
|
| Kyle: |
Ike, you can't come to school with me. [Ike chortles]
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah, go home you little dildo.
|
| Kyle: |
Dude, don't call my brother a dildo!
|
| Stan: |
What's a dildo?!
|
| Kyle: |
Well, I don't know… [faces Cartman and
points at him] and I'll bet Cartman doesn't know either!
|
| Cartman: |
I know what it means!
|
| Kyle: |
Well, what?
|
| Cartman: |
I'm not telling you.
|
| Stan: |
What's a dildo Kenny?
|
| Kenny: |
(It's a giant stick that goes inside the mom's vagina)
[the others laugh]
|
| Cartman: |
Heyeah, that's what Kyle's little brother is all right!
[Kyle swings Ike by his feet, knocking Cartman down] Ow! [Ike laughs]
|
| Stan: |
Dude! That kicks ass!
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah, check this one out. Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
|
| Ike: |
Don't kick the baby.
|
| Kyle: |
Kick the baby. [he kicks Ike, and Ike mows down four
mailboxes. Cartman yawns.]
|
| Stan: |
Whoa, Cartman, looks like you didn't get much sleep
last night.
|
| Cartman: |
That's 'cause I was having these… bogus
nightmares.
|
| Kyle: |
Really? What about?
|
| Cartman: |
Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my bed…
[the dream sequence begins] in the dark. When all of a sudden this
bright blue light filled the room [through his window, one can see a
spaceship land and its light stream in]. Then slowly my bedroom door
begin to open [an alien peeks inside] and the next thing I remember I
was being drug through a hallway. ["Weeaak!"] Then I was lying on a
table [face down, and aliens lower his pajamas] and these scary hands
wanted to operate on me. And they had big heads and big black
eyes…
|
| Stan: |
Dude! Visitors!
|
| Kyle: |
Totally!
|
| Cartman: |
What?
|
| Stan: |
That wasn't a dream Cartman, those were visitors!
|
| Cartman: |
No, it was just a dream, my mom said so.
|
| Stan: |
Visitors are real.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah, they abduct people and they mutilate cows.
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, shut up guys! You're just trying to make me scared.
And it's not working.
|
| Chef: |
[drives up and gets out of the car] Hello there,
children.
|
| Boys: |
Hey, Chef.
|
| Stan: |
What's gonna be for lunch today, Chef?
|
| Chef: |
Well, today it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles
and a choice of green bean casserole… or vegetable medley.
|
| Cartman: |
Kick ass.
|
| Chef: |
Say, did any of you children see the alien space ship
last night?
|
| Cartman: |
What?
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah, fat boy saw it!
|
| Cartman: |
Eh, no, that, that was just a dream… and I'm
not fat, I'm big boned!
|
| Chef: |
Oh, was it the ones with the big long heads and the
black eyes?
|
| Cartman: |
Oh!
|
| Stan: |
They took him on their ship.
|
| Chef: |
Oh! Did they give you an anal probe?
|
| Cartman: |
Oh!
|
| Kyle: |
What's an anal probe?
|
| Chef: |
That's when they put a big metal hooba-jube up yo'
butt.
|
| Kyle: |
Whoa! They gave you an anal probe Cartman?
|
| Cartman: |
No! Uh-I mean, eh, why would they do that?
|
| Stan: |
Dude, they did, huh? Aliens stuck stuff up your ass!
|
| Cartman: |
No!
|
| Ike: |
Eneh probe
|
| Cartman: |
Shut up dildo!
|
| Chef: |
Well, I gotta get to the cafeteria. You children watch
that fat boy now. He could be under alien control. [Chef walks back to
his car, there is a picture of an alien on his shirt. Chef drives off.]
|
| Cartman: |
Oh!
|
| Kyle: |
We told you they were real Cartman. Sorry to hear about
your ass.
|
| Cartman: |
God damn it, they didn't do anything to my ass. It was
just a dream.
|
|
[They start to file onto the bus.]
|
| Kyle: |
Why are you walkin' so funny Cartman?
|
| Cartman: |
Shut up!
|
| Ike: |
[waddles by.] Oh foonuh bebe.
|
| Kyle: |
No, Ike, go home. |
| Ike: |
Eeeeee!
|
| Kyle: |
This is it. This one's for the game.
|
| Ike: |
Purplor.
|
| Kyle: |
Kick the baby! [He kicks Ike, who flies through the
first window of the school bus and crashes out through the other side.]
|
|
[On The Bus]
|
| Stan: |
Good morning, Miss Crabtree.
|
| Ms. Crabtree: |
Sit down! We're runnin' late! [The bus pulls away,
leaving Ike behind at the bus stop. Kyle is kneeling on the seat
looking back at him.]
|
| Kyle: |
Damn it, he's still there.
|
| Stan: |
Oh, don't worry about him.
|
| Kyle: |
No, dude, if something happens to him, my parents are
gonna blame me.
|
| Ms. Crabtree: |
SIDDOWN BACK THERE! AAAAAAAAAAA!!
|
| Stan: |
Yeah, whatever, ya fat bitch!
|
| Ms. Crabtree: |
What did you say?
|
| Stan: |
I said I have a bad itch.
|
| Ms. Crabtree: |
Oh.
|
| Kyle: |
[gasps] Oh, my God! [two aliens are holding Ike between
them]
|
| Stan: |
[turning to see] Visitors!
|
| Kenny: |
(Oh nooo!)
|
| Kyle: |
Ike! [runs to the front of the bus] Stop the bus! Miss
Crabtree, you have to stop this bus!
|
| Ms. Crabtree: |
Do you want an office referral?
|
| Kyle: |
No.
|
| Ms. Crabtree: |
Then sit down!
|
| Kyle: |
But I…
|
| Ms. Crabtree: |
Aaaah!
|
| Kyle: |
Aaaah!
|
| Kyle, Ms. Crabtree: |
Aaaah! [Kyle runs back to his seat. Ms. Crabtree has
the last word]
|
| Stan: |
Cartman, are those the same visitors you saw?
|
| Cartman: |
Shut up you guys it's not working.
|
| Kyle: |
We have to do something!
|
| Stan: |
Well, we can't do anything for now, that fat bitch
won't let us.
|
| Ms. Crabtree: |
What did you say?
|
| Stan: |
Uh, I said that rabbits eat lettuce.
|
| Ms. Crabtree: |
Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do. [she makes a hard
right, flinging kids onto the left side of the bus.]
|
| Kyle: |
What am I going to do? My little brother's been
abducted by aliens. [Stan farts] You farted. [They laugh]
|
| Cartman: |
Somebody's baking brownies. [Behind the bus, a space
craft rises into the sky, then zoomz away]
|
|
[Farmer's grazing
fields with
a mutilated cow]
|
| Farmer: |
This is the third cow this month. At this rate all of
my cattle are gonna die before the winter's through. [The cows moo
questioningly]
|
| Officer Barbrady: |
This is nothing out of the unusual. Cows turn
themselves inside out all the time. [The cows shake their heads]
|
| Farmer: |
People's been saying they've been seeing UFO's around.
|
| Officer Barbrady: |
UFO's? [laughs]
|
| Farmer: |
Yeah, and black army CIA helicopters and trucks.
|
| Officer Barbrady: |
That is the silliest thing I've ever heard.
[Helicopters fly by above him]
|
| Farmer: |
What was that?
|
| Officer Barbrady: |
That, that was a pigeon.
|
| Farmer: |
What am I supposed to do, Barbrady? Just stand here and
watch my cattle get mutilated one by one? [the
cows notice something and raise their heads. One alien waves a piece of
hay; another one whistles. The cows start running away from them.] Hey!
My cattle! ["Cattle Ranch" sign falls down.] You see, there is
somethin' funny goin' on!
|
| Officer Barbrady: |
There's nothing funny going on. I'll get those cows
back.
|
|
[Mr. Garrison's
class]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
And now children, our friend, Mr. Hat, is going to tell
us about Christopher Columbus.
|
| Mr. Hat: |
That's right, Mr. Garrison.
Christopher Columbus discovered America and was the Indians' best
friend. He helped the Indians win their war against Fredrick Douglass
and and a freed the Hebrews from Napoleon and discovered France. And
then in 1492 …
|
| Kyle: |
[whispering] Oh, man. I can't
just sit here, I have to help my stupid brother, or I'll come home
without him and my dad will start yelling, "Where's your brother,
Kyle?" "You weren't looking out for your little brother, Kyle?"-
|
| Stan: |
[whispering] Okay, okay, let's ditch school and go find
him.
|
| Kyle: |
[voice rising to an audible level] -"You know he can't
think on his own, Kyle!" "Brush and floss, Kyle!" "Where has that
finger been, Kyle?"
|
| Stan: |
Dude!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Is there a problem, boys?
|
| Kyle: |
Yes, Mr. Garrison, I have to go now.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Oh, really, Kyle? What is it this time? Another
prostate tumor?
|
| Kyle: |
No, my little brother's been abducted by aliens.
[silence] It's true! Ask Cartman, they gave him an anal probe.
|
| Cartman: |
[enbarrassed] Heh, heh, that's a, that's, that's a
little joke. Heh, heh.
|
| Kyle: |
[walks up to Mr. Garrison's desk] Mr. Garrison,
seriously, I have to go. Can I please be excused from class?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
I don't know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr. Hat?
|
| Kyle: |
I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm asking you!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Oh I think you should ask Mr. Hat.
|
| Kyle: |
Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?
|
| Mr. Hat: |
Well, Kyle. No!! You hear me?! You go to hell! You go
to hell and you die!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Hmm, guess you'll have to take your seat, Kyle.
|
| Kyle: |
Damn it!
|
| Cartman: |
Hah, hah. Mr. Hat yelled at you. [farts fire. Poor Pip
is stunned] Ow! My ass! [The class gasps]
|
| Kyle: |
Dude.
|
| Stan: |
Damn, Cartman.
|
| Cartman: |
[farts fire] Uh… Ow! My ass!
|
| Kyle: |
Dude, he's farting fire.
|
| Stan: |
It's the alien anal probe. It's shooting fire from
Cartman's rectum.
|
| Cartman: |
No, that was just a dream.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Eric, do you need to sit in the corner until your
flaming gas is under control?
|
| Cartman: |
No, Mr. Garrison, I'm fine. [Cartman farts fire again,
setting Pip aflame. Pip runs around the room on fire.]
|
|
[Train station.
Cows flock in
from all around and stand in line, waiting to board the train out of
town]
|
| Conductor: |
Hey, you cows can't get on this
train! This is a people train. You cows have no business on a people
train, all right? 'Cause you're cows. [The cows are all staring at the
conductor] No, no, no. Don't try any of that cow hypnosis on me, all
right? 'Cause it's not gonna work.
|
| Officer Barbrady: |
[drives by with his lights flashing] Hold it right
there, cows! [Cows split up and run off mooing] Come back here! Now
then! [pursues them]
|
|
[Cafeteria]
|
| Kid 1: |
So then I had …
|
| Kid 2: |
Ya, seriously, killer.
|
| Cartman: |
[farts fire] Oh!! Dude, I sure am hungry.
|
| Stan: |
How can you eat when you're farting fire?
|
| Cartman: |
Shut up, dude, you're being totally immature.
|
| Kyle: |
Hey, look, there's Wendy Testaburger.
|
| Stan: |
[gasps] Where? [He finds
himself looking right at her. An epiphany plays while hearts dance
around Stan's head. Stan smiles, and it soon goes from ear to ear]
|
| Cartman: |
Stan wants to ki-iss Wendy Testabur-ger. |
| Stan: |
Shut up, fat ass! I don't even like her!
|
| Cartman: |
I'm not fat… and you obviously like her
because you throw up every time she talks to you.
|
| Stan: |
I do not.
|
| Wendy: |
Hi, guys.
|
| Kyle, Cartman: |
Hi, Wendy.
|
| Wendy: |
Here, Stan. This is for you. [hands Stan a note]
|
| Stan: |
Bluuch!
|
| Wendy: |
Eww! [leaves]
|
| Kyle, Cartman: |
[their eyes follow her out] Bye, Wendy.
|
| Kyle: |
Dude, what does the note say?
|
| Stan: |
[glances at it] Holy crap! It says she wants to meet me
at Stark's Pond after school. [a look of wonder comes over his face]
|
| Kyle: |
Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her.
|
| Cartman: |
Or slip her the tongue.
|
| Kenny: |
(or look at the cat on her feet, then touch her)
|
| Stan: |
[that got his attention] What? How do you know she has
a cat? [Silence, Kenny waits to see if the other guys got the message,
then laughs. The rest follow, realizing what Kenny meant]
|
| Kyle: |
Come on you guys, we need to figure out how to get out
of school so we can get my little brother back.
|
|
[The cafeteria
kitchen. A cook
stands behind a food counter, ready to serve up cafeteria food. The
boys enter]
|
| Chef: |
Hello there, children.
|
| Boys: |
Hey, Chef.
|
| Chef: |
How are you doing?
|
| Kyle: |
Bad.
|
| Chef: |
Why bad?
|
| Kyle: |
Chef, have you ever had something happen to you, but
nobody believed you?
|
| Chef: |
Oh, children, children, that's a problem we've all had
to face at some time or another. Here, let me sing you a little song.
It might clear things up.
I'm gonna make love to ya woman
gonna lay ya down by the fire
And caress your womanly body
make ya moan and perspire
Gonna-
|
| Stan: |
Uh, Chef.
|
| Chef: |
-get those juices flowin'-
|
| Stan: |
Chef.
|
| Chef: |
-we're makin' love gravy-
|
| Stan: |
Chef!
|
| Chef: |
-love gravy, lovelovelovelovelove GRAVIH!
|
| Stan: |
Chef!!
|
| Chef: |
Love luh- huh? [Silence. Kenny nods towards Kyle] Do
you feel better?
|
| Kyle: |
No!
|
| Chef: |
Oh, come on children, what could be so bad? It's
Salisbury steak day.
|
| Stan: |
Visitors took Kyle's baby brother.
|
| Chef: |
What?! [tosses a food tray aside and runs to the other
side of the counter] What the hell do you think you're doing in school
eatin' Salisbury steak?! Go find him, damn it!
|
| Kyle: |
Mr. Garrison won't let us out of school. He thinks
we're making it up.
|
| Cartman: |
You are making it up. [farts fire. The anal probe pops
out, moves around and puts its metal arms on its hip, looking annoyed
at being exposed]
|
| Stan: |
Whoa! [The probe goes back into Cartman's ass.]
|
| Cartman: |
What?
|
| Kyle: |
That was cool!
|
| Chef: |
It's uh some kind of symbiotic, metamorphosis device.
[Cartman turns about so Chef can check out the probe] This could mean
the visitors want to communicate with us.
|
| Cartman: |
[turning to face Chef, testily] Oh, I see. Now you're
going to join in on the little joke huh?
|
| Chef: |
It's no joke, children, this is big!
|
| Kyle: |
Please, Chef, if I don't get out of school and get my
little brother back from the aliens, my parents are gonna disown me.
|
| Chef: |
Uuh, hold on now, hold on now. [To himself] Uhyouyouyou
gotta help the children.
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, you guys sure are going a long ways to try and
scare me. I want my Salisbury steak!
|
| Chef: |
[pulling on the fire drill] Fire drill! Fire drill!
Everybody out! [to the boys] Okay children, this is your chance!
|
| Stan: |
Killer! Thanks, Chef.
|
| Chef: |
Mahahahahan oh man, first contact with the alien
visitors. I've got to get myself ready.
|
|
[The boys'
neighborhood]
|
| Boys: |
We got out of school! No more school today, we got out
of school…
|
| Cartman: |
[interrupting the song with a fiery fart] Oh, you guys,
my ass, seriously…
|
| Stan: |
Okay, Cartman, we got out of school, you can stop
farting fire now.
|
| Cartman: |
I would if I could you son of a bitch!
|
| Kyle: |
Okay, so how do we get my little brother back?
|
| Cartman: |
Uh. Would you stop
going on about your little brother? I know it was just a dream, I know
I didn't have an anal probe, and I know that I'm not under alien
control! [a radio wave strikes Cartman and he gets big blushy cheeks
and starts to sing.]
I love to singa!
About the moona and June-a and the springa
I love to singa
about a sky of blue-a or a tea for two-a…
[A second radio wave reverts him to normal and all is
quiet. Dogs bark in the background]
|
| Stan: |
What the hell was that?
|
| Kyle: |
He is under alien control. That thing in his butt is
linked up to the visitors!
|
| Cartman: |
Ah, son of a bitch! You guys, shut up. I'm not under
alien control.
|
| Kyle: |
[Into Cartman's ear. His voice echoes] Hey!
|
| Cartman: |
Uh.
|
| Kyle: |
If you visitors can hear me- [the voice echoes in
Cartman's head]
|
| Cartman: |
Hey.
|
| Kyle: |
-bring me back my little brother, God damnit!
|
| Cartman: |
Ow! [faces Kyle] That hurts, you buttlicker!
|
| Stan: |
[notices a spaceship hovering overhead] Kyle, look!
It's them.
|
| Kyle: |
Give me back my brother! [throws a rock at the
spaceship. It fires back with a flash of light, hitting Kenny and
knocking him into the road.]
|
| Stan: |
Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!
|
| Kyle: |
You bastards! Come back here! Coomme baack! [the
spaceship leaves] Damn it, we were so close!
|
| Stan: |
Hey look, [Kenny gets up] I think Kenny's okay.
|
| Kenny: |
(Don't worry, I'm alright. Aaaah!) [fleeing cows run
over Kenny]
|
| Stan: |
Owww.
|
| Kenny: |
[gets up again] (Nope, I'm fine. Ah!) [Officer Barbrady
mows him down. Kenny ends up along the curb, lifeless. The boys
approach]
|
| Stan: |
Wow, poor Kenny.
|
| Kyle: |
Now do you believe us, Cartman?
|
| Cartman: |
No!
|
| Kyle: |
Cartman, they killed Kenny!
|
| Cartman: |
He's not dead.
|
| Stan: |
Dude, Kenny is dead! [picks up a stick and hits Kenny's
bloody body] See?
|
| Cartman: |
Shut up, you guys.
|
| Kyle: |
He's dead, Cartman! [Pulls Kenny's head off his body]
|
| Cartman: |
God damn it, I didn't have an anal probe! [walks off]
Screw you guys, I'm goin' home.
|
| Kyle: |
Go on and go home, you fat chicken!
|
| Cartman: |
[off screen] Dildo!
|
| Kyle: |
You're all I have left, Stan.
|
| Stan: |
Sorry, dude. I gotta go meet Wendy Testaburger.
|
| Kyle: |
You can't! Poor Ike must be so scared, up there all
alone. You gotta help me, dude! [Rats feast upon Kenny's body.]
|
| Stan: |
Dude, like Chef says, I've gotta get a piece of lovin'
while the gettin's hot. [hurries away]
|
| Kyle: |
[Rats drag Kenny's head off] Rats.
|
|
[Cartman's house]
|
| Ms. Cartman: |
Hello, Eric
|
| Cartman: |
Hi, mom!
|
| Ms. Cartman: |
How are you doing?
|
| Cartman: |
Well, I'm pissed off!
|
| Ms. Cartman: |
Here, I made you powdered donut pancake surprise.
|
| Cartman: |
I don't want powdered donut pancake surprise. All the
kids at school call me fat!
|
| Ms. Cartman: |
You're not fat, you're big boned.
|
| Cartman: |
That's what I said.
|
| Ms. Cartman: |
You can have an eensy weensy bit, can't you?
|
| Cartman: |
No!
|
| Ms. Cartman: |
Just a weensy geensy woo woo?
|
| Cartman: |
No! Leave me alone, mom! [walks past her]
|
| Ms. Cartman: |
How about a nice chocolate chicken pot pie, then?
|
| Cartman: |
[stops in his tracks] What? Well, that does sound
pretty good. [returns to sit on the sofa while his mom goes off to get
the pie] Uh, mom?
|
| Ms. Cartman: |
Yes, hon?
|
| Cartman: |
If anybody calls or comes over, I'm not here, okay?
|
| Ms. Cartman: |
Sure, hon. You want some cheesy poofs, too?
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah, I want cheesy poofs.
|
|
[Stark's Pond. Kyle
decided to
join Stan]
|
| Kyle: |
Well, it looks like she's not going to show up, Stan.
Let's go look for the visitors now.
|
| Stan: |
But her note said she'd be here.
|
| Wendy: |
Hi, Stan.
|
| Stan: |
Bluuch.
|
| Wendy: |
Eww!
|
| Kyle: |
You can't talk to Stan, Wendy. He throws up when you
do.
|
| Wendy: |
But why, Stan?
|
| Stan: |
[tries to hold it in, but] Bluuch.
|
| Wendy: |
Eww!
|
| Kyle: |
Look, can you guys just get down to business so we can
go find my little brother.
|
| Wendy: |
[turns to Kyle] Huh?
|
| Kyle: |
Just make sweet love down by the fire.
|
| Wendy: |
What happened to your little brother?
|
|
[Cartman's house.
Cartman is
on the sofa watching TV]
|
| Reporter: |
As the reports of UFO sightings
increase, more mysterious crop circle patterns are appearing in fields
all around South Park. These crop circles, when viewed from above, form
strange patterns. [a plane circles around a field with odd patterns on
it, and a cameraman pans out to reveal the outline of --- Cartman!]
|
| Cartman: |
Hey, that kind of looks like… Tom Selleck.
|
| Reporter: |
Could it be that aliens are trying to make contact with
us, here on earth?
|
| Kitty: |
Meow.
|
| Cartman: |
[notices his kitten eyeing his pot pie] No, kitty, this
is mah pot pie.
|
| Kitty: |
Meow.
|
| Cartman: |
No, kitty, that's a bad kitty!
|
| Kitty: |
Meow.
|
| Cartman: |
No, kitty, it's mah pot pie!
|
| Kitty: |
Hiss.
|
| Cartman: |
Mom! Kitty's being a dildo!
|
| Ms. Cartman: |
[peeks in suggestively] Well, then. I know a certain
kitty kitty who's sleeping with Mommy tonight.
|
| Cartman: |
[confused] What?
|
|
[Stark's Pond. Kyle
is
explaining what happened to his little brother]
|
| Kyle: |
…and now I have to go home without him and
my parents are going to have me killed.
|
| Wendy: |
Well, why don't you go get the fat kid?
|
| Kyle: |
Why?
|
| Wendy: |
Well, if the fat kid has something
implanted in his ass, maybe the visitors are using him as part of their
plan. You should use the fat kid as bait to bring them back.
|
| Kyle: |
Hey. You're right, Wendy. Come on, Stan, we have to go
get Cartman. [moves out]
|
| Wendy: |
Come on, Stan. [walks past him, following Kyle]
|
| Stan: |
Bluuch.
|
| Wendy: |
Eww! [walks away]
|
| Stan: |
Hey, wait. When do I get to make sweet love? [A bird
flies into his puke and starts waddling around in it.]
|
|
[Cartman's House, a
short time
later]
|
| Kitty: |
Meow.
|
| Cartman: |
No, Kitty, you can't have any!
|
| Kitty: |
Meow.
|
| Cartman: |
No, Kitty, this is mah pot pie. Bad kitty! [Cartman
farts fire, setting the cat ablaze] Eh, 'scuse me, Kitty.
|
| Ms. Cartman: |
[enters the room with Kyle, Stan and Wendy] Eric, look
who's here.
|
| Cartman: |
Dude, weak mom.
|
| Kyle: |
Come on Eric, we can go play at the bus stop.
|
| Cartman: |
I can't, my mom said…
|
| Ms. Cartman: |
That's okay, Eric, I think you need to go spend time
with your little friends.
|
| Cartman: |
[Quietly] But mom, I don't want to spend time with my
little friends.
|
| Ms. Cartman: |
Don't be difficult, Eric! Now, you go out and play in
the fun snow.
|
| Cartman: |
God - damn it! [Kitty then runs by in flames.]
|
|
[Forest at night.
Cartman's
right foot is tied to a tree]
|
| Cartman: |
You guys, I have to get home.
|
| Stan: |
Don't be such a fraidy cat, Cartman. This rope will
make sure they can't take you on board again.
|
| Cartman: |
[kicks his foot to try to get loose] Oh, man, this
sucks.
|
| Kyle: |
How come the visitors aren't coming for him?
|
| Stan: |
I think we have to signal them somehow.
|
| Cartman: |
[farts fire] Ow!
|
| Wendy: |
Hey, he's like Rudolph.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah, all you have to do is fart some more, Cartman!
And the visitors are sure to come!
|
| Cartman: |
Really? Uh, I don't think I have to fart anymore
tonight.
|
| Kyle: |
Sure you do!
|
| Stan: |
Come on Cartman, fart!
|
| Cartman: |
I don't wanna.
|
| Stan: |
He can't hold it in forever.
|
| Kyle: |
Fart, damn you!
|
| Cartman: |
Okay, that's does it! Now listen! Why is it that
everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of
my ass?! [Farts. An anal probe comes out of his butt and expands] I'm
sick of it! It's completely immature.
|
| Stan: |
Hey, it's happening again. [the probe is now a large
satellite dish]
|
| Kyle: |
Whoa, look at that.
|
| Stan: |
Now, do you believe this, Cartman?
|
| Cartman: |
You guys can't scare me! I know you're making it all
up.
|
| Stan: |
Cartman, there's a 80-foot satellite dish sticking out
of your ass!
|
| Cartman: |
Sure, you guys, what-ever. [the dish sends a radio
signal out to space]
|
|
[Chef's backyard.
He's sitting
in a lawn chair with a can of ZOOP in his hand. An Igloo cooler is next
to him]
|
| Chef: |
Oh, boy. The aliens are going to make first contact.
Hey, down here, we are ready for your wisdom! [looks at his watch] And
you've only got 20 minutes before Sanford and Son is on.
|
|
[Forest]
|
| Cartman: |
You guys, I am seriously getting pissed off right now!
I know there is no such things as aliens! [Three small ships descend,
followed by a mothership.] Oh, God damn it!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[driving by, he stops] What the? I tell you, there's
some crazy stuff going on in this town.
|
| Mr. Hat: |
You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
|
| Kyle: |
Come down here, you stinking aliens! [Four aliens
appear] Uh, uh.
|
| Stan: |
Go on, Kyle, ask 'em for your little brother back.
|
| Kyle: |
Vi, Visitors, this morning you took my
little brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a
football. At first, I was happy you took him away. But I've learned
something today. That having a little brother… is a pretty
special
thing.
|
| Stan: |
Yeah.
|
| Kyle: |
Ah, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid
all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts
or whatever you have, to give my brother back to me, it sure would make
my life brighter again.
|
| Stan: |
That was beautiful, dude.
|
| Kyle: |
Did it work?
|
| Stan: |
No, they're leaving.
|
| Kyle: |
Hey, you scrawny-eyed shithead, what
the fuck is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of fucking asshole
to be able to ignore a crying child!
|
| Stan: |
Whoa, dude!
|
| Kyle: |
You know what you assholes like! You like to _____ and
sh___ and _____ and _____ and _____ and _____!
|
| Stan: |
Hey Wendy, what's a _____? [she shrugs]
|
| Ike: |
[The spaceship door opens] Help me doy tair.
|
| Kyle: |
Ike, jump down, now! For the love of God, Ike, JUMP!
|
| Ike: |
Don't harm me. [a herd of cows runs
away from the ship, but a trio of aliens stops them in their tracks.
The cows moo and quiver with fear until the middle alien raises its
hand and addresses them]
|
| Alien: |
Moo…
Moo…Moo…Moo… |
| Cows: |
Moo?? |
| Kyle: |
Come on, Ike! I promise I'll be nice to you from now
on!
|
| Ike: |
Don't kick the baby.
|
| Alien: |
Moo moo, moo.Moo moo, moo. Moo. |
| Cartman: |
What the hell are they talking about?
|
| Cow: |
Moo moo? |
| Alien: |
Moo moo, moo. Moo |
| Alien Carl: |
Moo…moo…moo. |
| Kyle: |
Ike!
|
| Alien: |
Moo moo. Moo moo. Moo.
|
|
[The cows look at each other and moo in agreement.]
|
| Kyle: |
Ike! Do your impersonation of David Caruso's career!
|
| Ike: |
It's my turn! [dives into the snow. The satellite goes
back into Cartman's butt.]
|
| Alien: |
Moo moo. Moo moo. |
|
[The aliens disappear. The spaceship pulls Cartman up
but the rope keeps him grounded.]
|
| Cartman: |
You guys, get me down from here! [farts fire, burns the
rope. The tractor beam takes him into the ship and the spaceship flies
away.] Ow! Help! Sons o' bitches! Dildos!
|
| Stan: |
Phew, I'm sure glad that's over with.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. Boy, am I glad to see you, Ike.
|
| Ike: |
Oh, he fly out of the sky.
|
|
[Chef's Backyard.]
|
| Chef: |
Wait, where are you going, alien visitors? Come back!
|
| Blonde: |
[arrives with a brunette] Well, Chef, where's this
amazing thing you were going to show us.
|
| Chef: |
Well, it's in the bedroom, ladies. Come on in.
|
|
[Forest]
|
| Kyle: |
Come on, Ike, we can make it just in time for dinner.
[they leave]
|
| Stan: |
Thanks for your help, Wendy.
|
| Wendy: |
Whatever, dude.
|
| Stan: |
Hey, I didn't throw up.
|
| Wendy: |
Cool! [She's happy now. They both
look at each other like they're going to kiss, and that music plays
again. Wendy puckers up. Stan gets queasy]
|
| Stan: |
Bluuch! [right on her face]
|
| Wendy: |
Eww!
|
| Stan: |
Sorry.
|
| Wendy: |
Hey, look. A french fry.
|
| Stan: |
Cool.
|
| Wendy: |
And what is that?
|
| Stan: |
I think it's part of a cheesy poof. [Chef's song starts
up and the camera pulls away.]
|
| Wendy: |
Hey, what's that?
|
| Stan: |
That's uummm… a hamburger from…
that's from, like, two days ago.
|
| Wendy: |
Hey, what about that?
|
| Stan: |
I don't know what the hell that is!
|
|
[Bus Stop]
|
| Stan: |
Gee, the bus'll be here any minute, and Cartman still
isn't around.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeh, we're running out of friends.
|
| Stan: |
I wonder what that thing was that the visitors gave the
cows.
|
|
[Cows out on a
pasture]
|
| Cows: |
Mooo.
|
| Officer Barbrady: |
Ha ha cows! I've got you cornered. Let's see you get
away now. [One
of the cows step on the plate on the alien device. A bolt of lightning
strikes Officer Barbrady. His glasses fly off, and cheeks become rosy.]
I love to sing-a
about the moon-a and the June-a and the Spring-a
I love to sing-a
'bout a sky of blue-a or a tea for two-a…
[Cows begin hopping about gleefully]
|
|
[Bus Stop, next
day. Cartman
falls out of the sky, landing on his side next to Kyle and Stan.]
|
| Cartman: |
Puh.
|
| Stan: |
Oh, hey Cartman.
|
| Kyle: |
Wow Cartman, the visitors dropped you off just in time
to go to school.
|
| Cartman: |
Ah, man, I had this crazy nightmare last night.
|
| Stan: |
Really, what about?
|
| Cartman: |
Well, I was standing out in a field,
and I had this huge satellite dish sticking out of my butt. And then
there were… hundreds of cows and aliens, and then I went up
on the ship
and Scott Baio gave me pinkeye.
|
| Stan: |
That wasn't a dream, Cartman. That really happened.
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, right. Why don't I have pinkeye then?
|
| Kyle: |
Cartman, you do have pinkeye!
|
| Cartman: |
Ahh, son of a bitch!
|
|
[End of Cartman Gets An Anal Probe] |
