|
[Bus Stop] |
| Kyle: |
Hey, where's the school bus? We're gonna be late for
football practice. [a dog walks up to the boys] |
| Stan: |
Hiya, Sparky. |
| Kyle: |
[looking] Who's that? |
| Stan: |
That's my new dog Sparky. He followed me to the bus
stop. |
| Kyle: |
Wow! Cool! |
| Stan: |
Good dog, Sparky. Who's my best buddy? Who's the boy?
Who's the buddy? |
| Cartman: |
Eh. You're making me sick, dude. |
| Stan: |
He's part Doberman and part wolf. He's the toughest dog
on the mountain. |
| Cartman: |
No way. Everybody knows that Sylvester is the toughest
dog in South Park. |
| Sylvester: |
Arrrrrr |
| Stan: |
He's not meaner than Sparky. |
| Cartman: |
Oh yeah, let's see. Hey, Sylvester. [he comes over] |
| Stan: |
Sparky'll kick his ass. |
| Cartman: |
I'll put a dollar on Sylvester. |
| Kyle: |
You're on, dude. [Sylvester starts after Sparky. Both
dogs growl] |
| Stan: |
That's it, Sparky! Kick his ass! [Sparky lunges after
Sylvester and out of view. Aggresive panting can be heard. The boys
stand there, shocked] |
| Cartman: |
Heh, he's doing something to his ass. He's not kicking
his ass, but he's definitely doing something to his ass. |
| Stan: |
Sparky, bad dog! |
| Kenny: |
(Oh my God, I think they're screwing.) |
| Stan: |
What?! |
| Cartman: |
Yeah dude, I think your dog is gay. |
| Stan: |
What do you mean? |
| Cartman: |
That dog is a gay homosexual. |
| Stan: |
[looks back to study the situation, then …]
He's just confused. |
| Kyle: |
I think the other dog's the one that's confused. |
| Kenny: |
(No, check his penis) [Kyle smiles] |
| Stan: |
Sick, shut up dude. [Sparky pants happily while
Sylvester slinks away] |
| Cartman: |
Stan's dog's a homo. Stan's dog's a homo. [the bus
pulls up] |
|
[Football Field, sideline] |
| Chef: |
Okay children, I know that you're all
extremely excited and nervous and anxious about the homecoming game
against the Middle Park. |
| Kyle: |
Who's Middle Park? |
| Cartman: |
What's homecoming? |
| Chef: |
But just remember what I taught you.
That football is like making love to a reeeeeally beautiful woman. You
can't always score, but when you do, it makes all the trying
worthwhile. [Silence] Now, let's start practice. [blows his whistle,
and the kids hit the field] |
| Pip: |
Uh, Mr. Chef sir? |
| Chef: |
Yes Pip, what is it? |
| Pip: |
Well, I still don't have a helmet. |
| Chef: |
I know Pip, the school can't afford helmets for
everybody. |
| Pip: |
Yes, but, couldn't we rotate who doesn't have a helmet
every week? Does it always have to be me?
|
| Chef: |
Yes Pip, I'm afraid it does.
|
| Pip: |
Oh.
|
| Chef: |
Sorry son, now get your ass in there.
|
|
[On the playing field]
|
| Stan: |
Hut-hut-hut-hut-hut--hut. hut.
hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut.
|
| Chef: |
[impatiently] Hike the damn ball! [Cartman hikes the
ball over Stan's head. Stan chases it down. Kyle runs into Pip, opening
a major gash on Pip's head.]
|
| Pip: |
Aaaaaaaargh!
|
| Jimbo: |
[arriving with Ned] Hey, how's practice coming there
Chef?
|
| Chef: |
[distracted] Huh? Oh fine, fine.
|
| Jimbo: |
I don't have to remind you just how important this game
is to us South Park Alumni.
|
| Chef: |
Elementary school alumni?
|
| Jimbo: |
That's as far as most of us got. You think we have a
shot at beating the spread against Middle Park this year?
|
| Chef: |
I don't know. Wwha, what's the spread?
|
| Jimbo: |
Middle Park by 70 points.
|
| Chef: |
Hmmm. [looks towards the field, where Kenny tackles
Cartman, causing him to drop the ball] I don't think we have a chance.
|
| Jimbo: |
Nonsense! Not with my nephew at quarterback. Right
Stanley?
|
| Stan: |
[turning to see his uncle just as Cartman hikes] Huh?
[the ball hits him on the side of the head. He picks it up and throws
to Kyle]
|
| Jimbo: |
Thatta boy.
|
| Chef: |
Great pass Stan.
|
| Jimbo: |
Come on Ned, we gotta get our asses to the bookie.
|
|
[On sideline after practice]
|
| Chef: |
Okay. That was a good practice children. We'll see you
here again tomorrow.
|
| Kyle: |
Hey Stan, isn't that your dog?
|
| Stan: |
Yeah, he must have followed me to football practice.
You see, he is smart.
|
| Clyde: |
Ah, my dog Rex follows me to football practice all the
time.
|
| Stan: |
Yeah, but my dog found his own way here. That makes him
smarter than your- [Sees Sparky lunge after Rex] Sparky, get down!
|
| Clyde: |
Oh my God! What is he doing to my dog?
|
| Cartman: |
There he goes again.
|
| Stan: |
Get down Sparky! Down!
|
| Cartman: |
Stan forgot to mention that his dog is a gay
homosexual.
|
| Clyde: |
Make him stop!
|
| Rex: |
[moving away with his tail between his legs] Yipe yipe
yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe!
|
| Fosse: |
[passes by laughing, with Bill] I'm sure glad my dog
isn't gay.
|
| Bill: |
Yeah, maybe you should name your dog Sparkette, Stan.
|
| Fosse: |
Gay dog. [The bullies walk away laughing, while Sparky
walks up panting]
|
|
[Mr. Garrison's Classroom.
Football practice must have been in the morning]
|
| Cartman: |
…And so you see, Simon & Simon were
not brothers in real life, only on television.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Thank you for that presentation Eric, but the
assignment was on Asian cultures. You get a "D-".
|
| Cartman: |
Ah, damnit!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Who should we call on next Mr. Hat?
|
| Mr. Hat: |
Well, how about Stan, our little South Park quarterback
star?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Oh, good idea. Okay Stanley, you're next.
|
| Stan: |
Um, I'm not really prepared either.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Well, just make something up, like Eric did.
|
| Stan: |
Okay, uh. Asian culture has, plagued our fragile earth
for many years. We must end it-
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Excellent. "A-".
|
| Cartman: |
Eeyy!
|
| Stan: |
Wow, cool!
|
| Cartman: |
Wait a minute, why the hell does he get an "A-"?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Eric, Stanley just might lead
our team to victory against the Middle Park Cowboys for the first time
in decades. And we treat star athletes better 'cause they're better
people.
|
| Cartman: |
That's not fair!
|
| Mr. Hat: |
Life isn't fair kiddo, get used to it.
|
| Cartman: |
Stupid puppet. [Dismissal bell rings]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Don't forget your assignments tonight children, they're
due tomorrow for everybody but Stan.
|
| Stan: |
[as everyone leaves] Mr. Garrison, can I ask you a
question?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Well of course Stanley, what is it?
|
| Stan: |
What's a - homosexual?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Hoh, well, Stanley, I guess you came to the right
person. Sit down. [Stan sits]
Stanley, gay people…well- gay people are evil. Evil right
down to their
cold black hearts, which pump not blood like yours and mine, but rather
a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots
in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Naziesque
patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?
|
| Stan: |
I guess.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Good, I'm glad we could have this little talk Stanley.
Now you go outside and practice football like a good little
heterosexual.
|
|
[Bus stop. The kids get off
the bus]
|
| Cartman: |
You guys see me block that defense today, I was kicking
ass.
|
| Kyle: |
You're gonna need to kick more ass than that to beat
the Cowboys.
|
| Cartman: |
Hey, speaking of pounding ass, here comes Stan's little
homo dog.
|
| Stan: |
Shut up dude! [Sparky comes up panting with a pink
scarf on] Sparky, where'd you get that pink scarf?
|
| Sparky: |
Bark, bark.
|
| Cartman: |
Man, that is the gayest dog I've ever seen.
|
| Stan: |
He just needs some training, that's all. Sit Sparky.
[Sparky sits] Good boy, now shake. [Sparky shakes.] Goood boy. Now,
don't be gay. [waiting for the comand to sink in] Don't be gay Spark.
Don't be gay. [Sparky looks at Stan with confusion and growls]
|
| Kyle: |
Did it work?
|
| Stan: |
I don't know.
|
| Cartman: |
He still looks pretty gay to me.
|
| Bill: |
Huh, huh.
|
| Fosse: |
Hey Stan, your dog been to any Pride marches lately?
|
| Bill: |
Huh huh, meh, yeah, maybe you should take him to a
Barbara Streisand concert. [They laugh] Stupid little gay dog.
|
| Fosse: |
Gay dog.
|
| Stan: |
Come on you guys, I have an idea.
|
|
[Ned and Jimbo enter. Two
big-screen monitors show horse races. One of the five smaller screens
above show a race as well]
|
| Jimbo: |
I want $500 on the South Park Cows.
|
| Bookie: |
Are you crazy?
|
| Jimbo: |
No siree. I'm telling you, I got the line. My nephew
Stan is the best quarterback the school has ever seen. I guarantee
they'll beat the spread.
|
| Gambler 1: |
I want to put all my money on the Cows.
|
| Gambler 2: |
Duh, duh, I think I'll put 300 on the Cows too.
|
| Gambler 3: |
Hey, I want to put some money on the Cows too.
|
| Lady Gambler 1: |
I got 500 on the Cows.
|
| Lady Gambler 2: |
Well, I'll put my money on the Cows.
|
| Jimbo: |
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't get too carried away now, Iiii.
|
| Gambler 4: |
You better be right about this Jimbo.
|
| Jimbo: |
Hehe, yeah. Don't, don't worry yourself.
|
| Ned: |
Are you sure Stan is that good?
|
| Jimbo: |
Not that sure. I think we better come
up with a backup plan. Uhh, let's see here. Hey, bookie! Wha, what's
the halftime show gonna be?
|
| Bookie: |
You haven't heard?! John Stamos' older brother Richard
Stamos is gonna sing Loving You.
|
| Ned: |
I love that song.
|
| Jimbo: |
Loving You? That's perfect! Come on Ned, Middle Park's
gonna get a Halftime show they'll never forget.
|
|
[In front of Stan's house, a
large crate sits next to the kids.]
|
| Stan: |
Okay Sparky, we got you a present. Now why don't-
[notices a pink scarf on Sparky] Damn it Sparky, where do you keep
getting this thing?! [grabs the scarf] No pink bandanas Sparky, bad
dog! Now pay attention. Sparky, this is Fifi. [the crate opens and
Fifi, a French poodle, comes out]
|
| Kyle: |
Oolala [Fifi sniffs some. Sparky starts following her]
|
| Cartman: |
There he goes.
|
| Stan: |
Atta boy Spark, get her. [Sparky goes for it] Yes!
[Sparky throws Fifi's collar into the air, catching it on his neck.] Ah
crap! Now what do I do?
|
| Kyle: |
Who cares if your dog is gay? Maybe it's not that bad.
|
| Cartman: |
No way dude, my mom says God hates gay people. That's
why he smote those sodomies in France.
|
| Kenny: |
(I think that Garrison said that gay people suck)
|
| Stan: |
I know Mr. Garrison said that homosexuals are evil,
but, but Sparky doesn't seem evil.
|
| Kyle: |
Well, maybe Mr. Garrison is wrong. You should ask
somebody else.
|
| Stan: |
Like who?
|
|
[Inside Stan's house, Jesus
and Pals' title screen is on TV]
|
| TV Announcer: |
And now back to Jesus and Pals on South Park public
access.
|
| Jesus: |
Yea, many of you are seeking answers,
and I am the way for you my children. Let's open the phone lines back
up for some questions … Hello caller, you're on the air.
[Beep]
|
| Robert: |
Yeah, is, is this Jesus?
|
| Jesus: |
Yes my son.
|
| Robert: |
This, this is Robert from Torrey Pines. I called last
week asking for advice on my ex-wife.
|
| Jesus: |
Of course Robert. How are things now? |
| Robert: |
Well, every, everything's much better
Jesus. She hasn't mouthed off since. I just wanted to thank you for the
advice. Oh, and for, for dying for my sins, that was really nice of
you.
|
| Jesus: |
Blessed art thou, Robert. Next caller, you're on the
air. [Beep]
|
| Stan: |
Uh, hi, Jesus. I, I have a dog, and he's a, he's a
homosexual.
|
| Jesus: |
My son, a lot of people have wondered
what my stance on homosexuality is. So I'd like to state once and for
all, my true opinion. You see-
|
| TV Announcer: |
[the station's logo pops up] That's all the time we've
left for Jesus and Pals, now stay tuned for Marty's Movie Reviews.
|
| Stan: |
Damn it!
|
| Kyle: |
What'd he say?
|
| Stan: |
I got cut off for Marty's stupid Movie Reviews.
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, Marty's Movie Reviews are on, kiick ass!
|
| Stan: |
Isn't there anybody who can help me? Isn't there
anybody who cares?
|
| Kyle: |
Come on dude, we have to get to practice.
|
| Stan: |
No, it's not okay! I don't want a gay dog! [outside,
Sparky overhears this] I want a butch dog! I want a Rin-tin-tin!
[Sparky
grouses, digs a hole, and makes his way out of the yard. He wanders
into the mountains, looks back once more, and is gone]
|
|
[On the sideline at practice]
|
| Chef: |
Now children, we've got to handle the ball better. You
got to hold your football like you hold your lover. [Music starts]
Gently…yet firmly. You wanna be both nurturing and clinging
at the same time. Oh yeah! [Sinks into the mood.]
Just like makin' sweet love to the football.
Feelin' naughty with the football.
Mmmm.
|
| Kyle: |
Uh, Chef?
|
| Chef: |
Spank it, ever so gently.
|
| Kyle: |
Chef.
|
| Chef: |
Spank it.
|
| Kyle: |
Chef!
|
| Chef: |
Oh, uhuhh, sorry children. Uhuh, let's run some plays.
|
| Pip: |
Uh, Mr. Chef sir?
|
| Chef: |
No Pip, we still don't have a helmet for you.
|
| Pip: |
Righto, but how about I use a helmet today, and one of
the other children goes without?
|
| Chef: |
That wouldn't be very fair to the other children, now
would it?
|
| Pip: |
No um, I guess not.
|
| Jimbo: |
What we'll have to do here Carl is put a trigger on
that bomb that makes it go off at a specific moment during halftime.
|
| Carl: |
What moment would that be?
|
| Jimbo: |
Well, John Stamos' older brother is
all set to sing 'Loving You' during halftime. We want that bomb to go
off when he hits that high F.
|
| Carl: |
What high F?
|
| Jimbo: |
You know, Loving you is easy 'cause you're beautiful
doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo…Aaaaah
|
| Carl: |
Right, right, so you want the trigger on the
doo-nn-doo.
|
| Jimbo: |
No, damnit! The Aaaaah.
|
| Carl: |
Aaaaahh.
|
| Ned: |
Aaaaahh.
|
| Jimbo: |
Aaaaahh.
|
| Carl: |
Aaaaahh.
|
| Jimbo: |
Great, we…
|
| Carl: |
Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo - Aaah.
|
| Ned: |
Doo-nn-doo-doo
|
| Jimbo: |
You got it…
|
| Carl: |
Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo…
|
| Ned: |
aaa - dooo
|
| Jimbo: |
Aaaaahh.
|
| Carl: |
Alright, yeah, okay…
|
|
[On the sideline at practice]
|
| Chef: |
What's the matter Stan, you seem down.
|
| Stan: |
I just, I can't concentrate 'cause my dog is gay.
|
| Chef: |
Well, you know what they say: you can't teach a gay dog
straight tricks.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[coming up to see what's the matter] Oh, stop filling
his head with that queer-loving propaganda.
|
| Chef: |
Say what?! You of all people should be sympathetic.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
What do you mean?
|
| Chef: |
Well, you're gay aren't you?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
What?! What the hell are you talking about?! I am not
gay.
|
| Chef: |
Well, you sure do act like it.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
I just act that way to get chicks, dumb ass. [Chef
looks puzzled, wondering]
|
|
[On the field]
|
| Kyle: |
[running up from behind] What's the matter dude?
|
| Stan: |
I don't know where Sparky is. He usually follows me to
football practice.
|
| Cartman: |
Maybe he went shopping for some leather pants. [Stan
punches him] Ow!
|
|
[Snowy mountains. Sparky is
trekking throught the snow, stops, and looks around. A floating castle
nears him]
|
| Big Gay Al: |
Hello there little pup, I'm Big Gay Al. [Sparky looks
at him] Have you been outcast? [Sparky pants an affirmative] Well, then
I'm so glad you found my Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. We're all big gay
friends here. Would you like to live with us? [Sparky pants an
affirmative] Come on in little fellow, nobody will ever oppress you
here.
|
|
[Kenny, Kyle, and Cartman are
at the Bus Stop. Stan walks up]
|
| Stan: |
Have you guys seen Sparky, he still hasn't come back.
|
| Kyle: |
Wow, it's been like two days.
|
| Stan: |
I think he might've run away.
|
| Cartman: |
Did you check the shopping ma- [Stan punches him] Ow!
|
| Kyle: |
We'll help you look for him after the game Stan.
|
| Stan: |
I'm not playing.
|
| Kyle: |
You what?!
|
| Stan: |
I'm not playing in that stupid game. I have to find my
dog. [leaves]
|
| Jimbo: |
[Whisper] Come on Ned, and keep quiet.
|
| Ned: |
[Louder] Okay [They climb over the fence and go
to…]
|
| Jimbo: |
Hello there, Enrique.
|
| Ned: |
What are we doing here?
|
| Jimbo: |
Well Ned, we always kidnapped Middle Park's mascot. But
this year we're gonna booby-trap it instead. [puts bomb on Enrique's
back] And when John Stamos' older brother hits that high F in Loving You,
Boom! [Enrique gets wide-eyed] No more Middle Park players. [Enrique
starts to tremble]
|
| Ned: |
Hahahahaha. Hahahahaha.
|
| Jimbo: |
[laughs] God damn, I love football!
|
|
[Stormy mountains]
|
| Stan: |
Sparky! Where are you?! Where could he be? |
|
[South Park Elementary.]
|
| Cowboys: |
[exiting the bus] Kill that Ken! Kill that Ken!
|
|
[South Park Football
Field. The bleachers are filled with fans decked out in COWS! gear.
Even Ike is wearing a GO COWS shirt and bouncing about.]
|
| Frank Hammond: |
Hello everyone, this is Frank
Hammond, South Park public radio, AM 900, Welcome to tonight's matchup
between the Middle Park Cowboys and the South Park Cows. [pounds the
table, and Phil's mike falls over. He scans the sidelines]
Well, it looks like Chef, the South Park Cows coach looks a little
nervous. This is probably because his star quarterback has yet to show
up.
|
| Chef: |
[between his teeth] Oohh, come on Stan.
|
| Pip: |
Uh, Mr. Chef, if Stanley doesn't show up, can I use his
helmet?
|
| Chef: |
No Pip, I'm sorry!
|
|
[Stormy mountains]
|
| Stan: |
Sparky! Sparky!
|
|
[South Park Football Field,
first quarter. The game is about to begin]
|
| Referee: |
Play ball.
|
| Chef: |
You're gonna have to quarterback, Kyle.
|
| Kyle: |
But I never practiced quarterback.
|
| Chef: |
It's a little late for that bullcrap now.
|
| Frank: |
Filling in for quarterback is number 12, Kyle
Broflovski.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Heyhey, where is little Stanley?
|
| Mr. Hat: |
Yeah, why the hell is that little Jewish kid playing
quarterback?
|
| Jimbo: |
Ned, look. [Middle Park's mascot is shown] They've got
Enrique on their sideline, and it looks like that bomb's still
attached.
|
| Ned: |
Yay.
|
|
[Stan follows his dog's
footprints and finds himself facing Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal
Sanctuary]
|
| Big Gay Al: |
Hi little fella, how are you doing today?
|
| Stan: |
Fine, how are you?
|
| Big Gay Al: |
I'm super, thanks for asking.
|
| Stan: |
My gay dog ran away, and I was wondering if maybe he
came here.
|
| Big Gay Al: |
Well, let's see. Come on in. Hmm. [they enter]
|
| Stan: |
D'you have lots of gay dogs here?
|
| Big Gay Al: |
We have all sorts of gay animals here at Big Gay Al's.
Over here we have a gay lion. [and three gay bunnies]
|
| Gay Lion: |
Rooaar
|
| Big Gay Al: |
And we have gay water buffalo, gay hummingbirds, here's
a gaggle of gay gooses. Hi fellas, it's so super to see you!
|
| Stan: |
Wow, seems like the animals here are really happy.
|
| Big Gay Al: |
Of course they are, silly buns. It's the one place
where gay animals can really be themselves. Would you like to dance?
[They enter the techno-dance floor as disco music plays. Animals pour
in to dance, even a dolphin on its tail]
|
| Vocalist: |
Oww, we can both be gay!
|
|
[In the huddle. The Cows win
the coin toss]
|
| Kyle: |
Cartman, you hike me the ball, then somebody run, and
I'll throw it at something. Ready?!
|
| Huddle: |
Break!
|
|
[At the line of scrimmage]
|
| Cowboy 1: |
You guys are toast.
|
| Cowboy 2: |
Yeah, we're gonna pound your heads in.
|
| Cartman: |
We'll just see about that.
|
| Kyle: |
Set, set. [Cartman farts long and nasty. Kyle quickly
retreats] Damn it Cartman!
|
| Chef: |
What's the matter?
|
| Kyle: |
Cartman farted!
|
| Cartman: |
No I didn't. That was just my shoes.
|
| Chef: |
Come on, Cows. We'll get a delay of game penalty.
|
| Kyle: |
No way dude!
|
| Chef: |
Hike the ball.
|
| Kyle: |
[back in position, with his shirt covering his nose.]
Ah, dude, weak.
|
| Cartman: |
That's right, you get back there.
|
| Kyle: |
Hut.
|
| Frank: |
The ball is snapped. Middle Park blitzes. [Screaming as
Kyle is tackled]
Fumble, Middle Park gets the ball…they run it in for a
TOUCHDOWN! The
score is 7-nothing Middle Park, with 14:57 remaining in the first
quarter.
|
| Jimbo: |
Hell's bells.
|
| Frank: |
Why, I haven't seen a beating like that since Rodney
King.
|
| Phil: |
[quickly covers the mike] Now Frank, that's not very
PC. You're gonna get us in trouble again.
|
| Frank: |
Right, right, uh. I gotta watch that.
|
| Townsman 1: |
We lose our money 'cause of your nephew, we're gonna
hang you up to dry, Jimbo.
|
| Jimbo: |
Don't y'all worry, you just wait till halftime, hehe.
|
|
[Big Gay Al's dance floor]
|
| Vocalist: |
…both be gay.
[Stan is gettin' down with a monkey, then sees Sparky]
|
| Stan: |
Sparky! Hiya Sparky, how's it goin'?
|
| Sparky: |
Ruff.
|
| Stan: |
I missed you old pal, you really had me scared.
|
| Sparky: |
Barr.
|
| Stan: |
Come on, let's go home. I can still make it in time for
the game. [Sparky follows Stan] We can work on making you not gay
together. [Sparky stops and sits] Sparky?
|
| Big Gay Al: |
Young man, it appears you still don't understand.
|
| Stan: |
What don't I understand?
|
| Big Gay Al: |
Come this way, I have to show you something.
|
|
[South Park Football Field,
second quarter]
|
| Frank: |
With just over a minute to go in the half the score is
Middle Park Cowboys 52, South Park Cows 0.
|
| Kyle: |
Hut, hut. [Cartman snaps the ball to
Kyle. The Cowboys blitz. Kyle flips the ball back to Pip, who is still
without a helmet. The Cowboys players descend on him as soon as he
catches the ball]
|
| Frank: |
Oh no, I haven't seen an Englishman take a blow like
that since Hugh Grant.
|
| Phil: |
[muffling Frank] Dude! Now that is not cool.
|
| Frank: |
Sorry, sorry.
|
|
[Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat
Ride]
|
| Big Gay Al: |
Okay Stan, I think you should get in line for my Big
Gay Boat Ride. [Stan looks at the boat] Step aboard, Stanley. [does so,
with Sparky]
Hello everyone, and welcome aboard the Big Gay Boat Ride. On this
adventure we'll be seeing the world of gayness throughout time.
|
|
[South Park Football Field.
South Park's final drive before the halftime show]
|
| Frank: |
And the South Park Cows are set to receive…
[Cowboys kick off] There's the kick. It's taken by number 23, Kenny
McCormick. [weaves through the special teams] He's at the 50, the 40,
the 30.
|
| Cowboys: |
Hold him, hold him! [Two of them take hold of Kenny's
arms] Hold him, hold him!
|
| Cowboy: |
Yaaah! [A Third Cowboy dives in, taking Kenny's head
off, as the other two sever Kenny's arms.]
|
| Frank: |
The running back is down. I think he's…
[Rats come in to devour Kenny's corpse.] Yes, he's been decapitated.
|
| Kyle: |
Wha-? Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You Bastards!
|
| Phil: |
That's gotta hurt, Frank.
|
| Frank: |
How terue!
|
| Chef: |
Hey, come on. That was roughing. At least let us scrape
him off the field.
|
| Frank: |
Looks like the South Park Cows aren't even gonna beat
the 72 point spread. Not by a long shot.
|
|
[Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat
Ride]
|
| Big Gay Al: |
You see, gayness has existed since the beginning of
time. From the Egyptian pharaohs, to the shoguns of Japan. [they cross
swords] Uh oh, look out, it's the oppressors. Christians and
Republicans and Nazis, oh my! [fires off a shot with his revolver]
Ohhh! Oh God, that was close. Okay, let's steer our Big Gay Boat out of
here and into a place where gays are allowed to live freely. [Doors
open to reveal a scene right out of 'It's a Small World.']
|
| Boat Ride Singers: |
We're all gay, and it's okay
'cause gay means happy and happy means gay.
We're not sad anymore, cause we're out the closet door.
It's okay, hey, to be gay!
|
| Big Gay Al: |
Sooo, what do you think Stan? [It's okay to be
gay…]
|
| Stan: |
This kicks ass! I'm sorry I tried to change you Spark,
I just didn't understand. [It's okay to be gay. Shalala Waylaylay
Shalala Waylaylay It's okay to be gay.]
|
| Big Gay Al: |
Isn't this precious?
|
|
[South Park Football Field.
Halftime]
|
| Frank: |
And now, here to sing the touching song, Loving You is
the one and only, John Stamos' brother…
|
| Jimbo: |
Alright Richard!
|
| Richard: |
[Music starts up]
Loving you
is easy cause you're beautiful
- doo-n-doo--doo-doooo--
Aaaaa [his voice cracks and the music stops] Aaaaa
|
| Jimbo: |
What the hell?!
|
| Richard: |
Aaaaa [his voice wavers]
|
| Jimbo: |
He didn't sing the high F.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Richard Stamos can't sing a high F, he always screws it
up like this
|
| Jimbo: |
Ned, we are going to get our asses kicked.
|
| Richard: |
Lalalalala …
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
It's obvious where all the talent in that family went!
|
|
[Outside of Big Gay Al's Big
Gay Animal Sanctuary]
|
| Stan: |
Thanks for everything Big Gay Al!
|
| Sparky: |
Ruff!
|
| Big Gay Al: |
No problem kids. Are you sure you don't wanna stay for
some toasted cheese sandwiches?
|
| Stan: |
No thanks, I've gotta get back for the big football
game. Come on boy! [they start to walk off]
|
| Big Gay Al: |
Oh Stan? [they halt] When you get back to town,
[earnest music plays] tell them about us, will you? Tell them there are
gay animals here who need homes, desperately.
|
| Stan: |
I will Big Gay Al, I will. [they depart]
|
| Big Gay Al: |
Ooh, my carrot cake! [rushes inside]
|
|
[South Park Football Field,
fourth quarter]
|
| Kyle: |
Hike!
|
| Frank: |
And these South Park Cows are being absolutely [thump]
molested by Middle Park. I haven't seen so many children molested
since…
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
I thought you said beating the spread was a sure thing
Jimbo.
|
| Mr. Hat: |
Yeah, we all put our life savings in this game
|
| Townsman: |
You're a dead man Jimbo [A hail of food products is
thrown at uncle Jimbo.]
|
| Frank: |
Well, this should just about wrap it up for- [Stan and
Sparky come on to the field.] Wait a minute, what's this?
|
| Jimbo: |
Yeah!!!
|
| Crowd Member: |
Yohooooh.
|
| Frank: |
It's Stan, the South Park star quarterback!
|
| Chef: |
Where the hell have you been Stan?!
|
| Stan: |
I've been getting my best friend back.
|
| Chef: |
Just get in there boy!
|
| Jimbo: |
Give 'em hell Stanley! [Stan takes his place] Jesus,
now I haven't asked you for much, but all we need is one little score.
Please? Please, Jesus?
|
| Jesus: |
[in the first row] Leave me alone.
|
| Stan: |
Hike
|
| Frank: |
Stan hikes the ball. He steps back to pass.
|
| Kyle: |
Hey Stan, Ah-I'm open, I think.
|
| Stan: |
Mph.
|
| Frank: |
And he throws it to Kyle, the little Jewish kid.
|
| Kyle: |
Oof. [runs towards the end zone, panting, Cowboys hot
on his trail.]
|
| Frank: |
Oh my! I haven't seen a Jew run like that since Poland,
1938!
|
| Phil: |
Dude! [Frank recoils. The crowd cheers as Kyle scores]
|
| Frank: |
Touchdown!
|
| Jimbo: |
Yeah!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Wooo!
|
| Frank: |
The clock runs out and the final score is Middle Park
Cowboys 73, South Park Cows 6. South Park beats the spread! [swats his
mike away]
|
| Jimbo: |
Yeah! Woohoo!
|
|
[Postgame press conference.
Stan gets on stage by scoreboard]
|
| Townsman: |
Speech!
|
| Frank: |
Stan, what do you want to tell the world about this
stunning almost victory?
|
| Stan: |
Uh. It, it's really cool that we beat the spread
against the Cowboys. |
| Crowd: |
Yeah, alright! |
| Stan: |
And maybe - we can beat 'em even more next year! |
| Crowd: |
Woooo |
| Stan: |
And it's okay to be gay! [The crowd falls silent] |
| Jimbo: |
What?! |
| Stan: |
Being gay is just part of nature, and a beautiful
thing. |
| Mr. Garrison: |
What the hell is he talking about?! |
| Frank: |
Uhh, Stanley, you arrived very late in the game, where
were you that whole time? |
| Stan: |
I was with my new friend, Big Gay Al.
He showed me his Big Gay Animal Sanctuary, and took me on a Big Gay
Boat Ride, where I learned all about the wonders of gaiety. [The crowd
looks at Stan in disbelief] It's true, I'll show you. |
|
[At the site of Big Gay Al's
Big Gay Animal Sanctuary] |
| Stan: |
But it was here. It was all right here. The, there was
a techno dance club. |
| Cartman: |
Stan, you need to lay off the cough syrup, alright,
seriously. I'm worried about you man. [missing animals suddenly appear] |
| Townswoman: |
Oliver, I thought you ran away all those months ago. |
| Townsperson 1: |
Sidney! |
| Townsperson 2: |
Willy! |
| Townsperson 3: |
Carlos! |
| Big Gay Al: |
[suddenly at Stanley's side] I want to thank you so
much for bringing everybody here. |
| Stan: |
Oh, there you are dude. How's it going? |
| Big Gay Al: |
I'm super, thanks for asking. It looks like now my work
here is done. [pops his suitcase open and climbs into it] Goodbye
Stanley, peace be with you. [presses a button, and the suitcase closes] |
| Stan: |
Wow! [The suitcase flies off. Al really was a fairy.] |
| Richard: |
You guys, you guys! I can do it. |
| Mr. Garrison: |
Do what? |
| Richard: |
Loving you
is easy cause you're beautiful
doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-dooo |
| Jimbo: |
No! |
| Richard: |
Aaah |
| Enrique: |
Mroo-[Boom!] |
|
[End of Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride] |
