|
[Classroom: Cartman enters
humming with a stack of envelopes. He starts handing them out] |
| Cartman: |
Here you go, Kyle… And here's yours,
Stan… |
| Kyle: |
What is this, Cartman? |
| Cartman: |
They're invitations to my birthday party this weekend. |
| Stan: |
Oh, sweet! Your mom's giving you a big party again this
year? |
| Cartman: |
Thaat's right. 'Cause it's my birthday, my bu bubu
birthday… |
| Kyle: |
Kick ass, dude! Cartman's mom throws the best birthday
parties ever. |
| Cartman: |
That's right. |
| Stan: |
Yeah. If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom, I'd be a
big fatass, too. |
| Cartman: |
That's ri-aayy. |
| Pip: |
Oh, Eric. I didn't get an invitation. |
| Cartman: |
[darting over] Oh, really? Gosh. Where could I have put
Pip's invitation?? Let's see, Pip's invitation, Pip's
invitation… Oh! I remember! [Pip smiles hopefully] I shoved
it up my ass! [Pip's hopes are dashed] Yeess, that's right. I wrote it
out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and then pleep shoved it right
up my ass, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday
party! Sorry, Pip ol' chap! [moves on] Here's yours, Wendy…
and here's yours, Clyde… |
| Mr. Garrison: |
[excitedly] Children, children! Today is a very special
day. |
| Cartman: |
No, my birthday isn't until Saturday. |
| Mr. Garrison: |
I'm not talking about your birthday, Eric. We have a
new student joining our class today. |
| Cartman: |
EEeeeeh! |
| Mr. Garrison: |
Now, some of you know what it's
like to be the new kid in town, so I want you all to take special care
to make him feel welcome. I want you all to meet our new
classmate… [leans down to the new kid] uh-uh, what's your
name again? |
| New kid: |
Damien! [dark music plays:
Rectus…dominus… His eyes show flaming, crackling
pupils] |
| Mr. Garrison: |
Say 'hi' to Damien! [silence] And where are you from,
Damien? |
| Damien: |
The seventh layer of hell! |
| Mr. Garrison: |
Ooooh, that's exciting, my mother was from Alabama.
[Damien goes around the teacher's desk and hops up on it, kicking away
the apple. Garrison steps aside] |
| Damien: |
My arrival shall note the end of the Beginning, the
beginning of the End, the new reign of my father!
[…rectus…cheesy poofs…] |
| Mr. Garrison: |
Your father? |
| Damien: |
The Prince of Darkness! |
| Mr. Garrison: |
Wow, we have royalty in our class. Why don't you take
your seat, Damien? We're gonna finish our lesson on great singers of
the Baroque era. [Damien hops down and goes to sit next to Cartman]
Now, children, Nancy Sinatra was quite a choice piece of
ass… |
| Cartman: |
Hey, new kid. Do you want an invitation to my birthday
party? |
| Damien: |
Here begins the rule of pain! The new domination
of… |
| Cartman: |
Psych! I wasn't gonna give you an invitation,
hehehehehehe! Hey, who cut your hair? Stevie Wonder?
[Rectus…dominus… Damien turns to him and
concentrates. Cartman's desk suddenly turns over and dumps Cartman onto
the floor] Byah. Oof! [the desk goes out the window. The class sits up] |
| Stan: |
Whoa, dude! [sancti…] |
| Kyle: |
Damn, what a freak! |
| Cartman: |
[getting up] Hey! I had a poofy pie in that desk!
[cheesy poofs…] |
| Damien: |
Now feel the wrath - of the fallen angels! The plague
of night is upon ye. |
| Mr. Garrison: |
Damien, do you need to sit in time out for a few
minutes? [he blinks] |
| Cartman: |
Eheh. You got in trouble, you got in trouble. |
|
[The cafeteria: the boys
already have their lunches] |
| Stan: |
Hey, Cartman? How come the birthday invitation you gave
me says 'Green Mega Man'? |
| Kyle: |
Yeah. Mine says 'Red Mega Man'. |
| Cartman: |
Right. That's what your supposed to get for my
birthday. |
| Stan: |
Dude. You're not supposed to tell people what to get
you for your birthday.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah, that's weak!
|
| Cartman: |
Look, it's very simple guys. Green
Mega Man goes with Red Mega Man and Yellow Mega Man to make the Ultra
Mega Mega Man. You have to have all three or it doesn't work, see?
|
| Stan: |
Up yours. Cartman. I'll get you whatever the hell I
want. [crumples up the invitation and throws it away]
|
| Cartman: |
Oooh. So maybe you don't want to have any of my mon's
cake, pie, and ice cream, then.
|
| Stan: |
Oh great, Green Mega Man it is. [food wins out over
principle]
|
| Cartman: |
Now. As you can see, Kenny, you are to get me Yellow
Mega Man. That's because Yellow Mega Man is the cheapest one, and I
know how poor your family is. [Damien arrives]
|
| Stan: |
Heeyy, what do you think you're doing, new kid?
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah. You can't sit with us, weirdo!
|
| Damien: |
Infidels! I will turn you all into beasts of burden!
|
| Kyle: |
You can't sit with us, new kid. Go find another table!
[Damien walks off]
|
| Cartman: |
Yich. Anyway Kenny, Yellow Man is only $8.95, so maybe
your mom can put it on layaway and make payments for a year or two.
[Stan and Kyle laugh, then Cartman laughs. Kenny punches him] Eeyy!
|
| Pip: |
[As Damien approaches] Oh. Good day, Damien. My name is
Philip, but everyone calls me Pip - because they hate me.
|
| Damien: |
Then I will call you Pip.
|
| Pip: |
Right-o.
|
| Stan: |
Hey new kid! [Cartman turns around. Kenny is already
facing him] Kenny says he saw… your mother drop you off this
morning, and she's a real dog.
|
| Kenny: |
(Yeah, I feel that she's a freakin' bitch!)
|
| Damien: |
That does it! Woo-paah [points his index fingers at
Kenny. …rectus…dominus… Kenny trembles
for a moment, and then a moment of silence]
|
| Stan: |
What the…?
|
| Kyle: |
Dude! He turned Kenny into a duck-billed platypus.
|
| Stan: |
A what?
|
| Kenny: |
Quack-quack.
|
| Cartman: |
Eeyy! Uh-turn him back you butthole, he has to buy me
the Yellow Mega Man! |
| Chef: |
[coming up behind them] Hello there, children.
|
| Stan: |
Hey, Chef.
|
| Chef: |
How's it going?
|
| Kyle: |
Bad.
|
| Chef: |
Why bad?
|
| Kyle: |
Chef, there's a new kid in school, and he's a total
weirdo freak.
|
| Chef: |
Oh children, children, you shouldn't not like somebody
just because they're different. Here, let me sing you a little song:
We're all special in our own way
Everybody's different, but that's okay
'Cause even though we might-a have different-colored skin
Different points of view, be tall or thin
It doesn't mean I can't lay you down, woman, and touch your silky skin
[a phychedelic scene appears behind him]
With my love deep inside you, where no man has ever been
[he stands behind a lovely black woman wearing trunks and a big smile]
Rub you legs, caress your thighs and uh…
[he floats on a cloud with a lovely white woman, then
he's back in the cafeteria]
What were we talking about again?
|
| Kyle: |
The new kid. |
| Damien: |
[standing on a table] Death to the holy! The wrath of
the fallen angels now heads for you all!
[Rectus…dominus…cheesy poofs… Pip's
cap flies off, followed by milk and lunch trays, large tote bags, wall
poseter, clocks…]
|
| Stan: |
Whoa!
|
| Chef: |
Oh! That is one fudged-up little cracker!
[…footballs, bunnyfish, desks, telephones, fire alarms,
rifles…]
|
| Kyle: |
We told you, dude. [Kids scream. Pip is awestruck. Kids
and lunch tables begin to rise and fly around.]
|
| Chef: |
We've got to do something, children! [Mr. Hankey flies
by, then K. C., then a cow (think Twister)]
|
| Damien: |
Bring me Jesus! My wrath shall continue until I speak
to Jesus! […rectus…dominus…cheesy
poofs…rectus…dominus…]
|
| Stan, Kyle: |
Jesus?
|
|
[The set of Jesus and Pals.
Jesus freshens up, and Roland the cameraman comes in]
|
| Roland: |
Two minutes to air, Jesus.
|
| Jesus: |
Thanks, Roland. Blessed art thou. [Stan and Kyle dash
in]
|
| Stan: |
Jesus, Jesus!
|
| Jesus: |
Ah-hi kids, I only do autographs after the show.
|
| Stan: |
Nono. There's a big problem at school. Some new kid
showed up, wearing all black, and and Chef thinks he's evil.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. Look what he did to our friend, Kenny. |
| Kenny: |
Quack-quack.
|
| Jesus: |
Wow. That's pretty heavy.
|
| Stan: |
This new kid, he just keeps throwing
things around and… saying stuff aboout his dark prince
father coming.
He says he wants to talk to you.
|
| Jesus: |
The Dark Prince?
|
| Stan: |
Yeah.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah.
|
| Jesus: |
So it was written, and so the cycle of years brings the
Son of the Evil One.
|
| Stan: |
[to Kyle] Whoa. Huduh now he's talking like the new
kid.
|
| Jesus: |
Thou must taketh me to this seedling of Satan, so mine
eyes can confirm the wretched truth.
|
| Kyle: |
…K.
|
|
[School playground]
|
| Groundskeeper: |
Five minutes until recess is over, you little bastards!
|
|
[Cartman is heard speaking. Three kids
look at him: Wendy, Clyde, and a third student who is taking notes.
Cartman stands next to an easel, poiting at drawings he made earlier. A
fourth kid joins them later]
|
| Cartman: |
Now, as you can see, the Red Mega Man uses
thee… Mega Cycle, which is what Clyde will be getting me for
my birthday. Wendy, you
were supposed to get me the Mega Power Choopper,
illustrated… here,
but, I'm changing your present to the Yellow Mega Man, since Kenny has
been turned into a… duck-billed platypus. That means that
the Mega Man
beach house, illustrated… heuh, will be a gift given by two
people at
once, 'cause it costs more money… [a footbal lands in front
of
Damien, who sets fire to it. He then points to the slide, which catches
fire and sends a redhead into another student as Bebe looks on.
Rectus…dominus…sancti…]
|
| Redhead: |
Aaaaa Bebe!
|
| Bebe: |
Our slide!
|
| Damien: |
Feel my wrath! [sends a small
fireball from his fingertip to the see-saw, setting it aflame and
knocking off K. C. and the black kid] |
| Pip: |
[as Damien torches the hobby elephants] Oho Damien, you
shouldn't be so upset, you know. I know it's hard being the new kid,
but the children may accept you someday.
|
| Damien: |
I don't need acceptance. I'm the Son of Satan! [torches
the jungle gym. A girl falls off] |
| Pip: |
Believe me! I know what it's like not to
have friends. Perhaps you should speak to the school counselor. He
helps me a lot when I'm feeling lonely.
[…rectus…cheesy poofs…]
|
| Jesus: |
Damien!
|
| Damien: |
Aaah! Son of Stench! Cursed Ruler of the weak!
|
| Jesus: |
So it is thou, Son of Lucifer!
|
| Damien: |
Your time on this earth is short. Soon, my father
comes. |
| Jesus: |
Let him come then. I shall stop him!
|
| Damien: |
Behold! He is already upon us! [clouds close in on the
sun]
|
| Kyle: |
Ohh, dude!
|
| Satan: |
Hic dominus ampullicus unum sum. Forante onlisam dum
sameli etludemus. [another whirlwind comes up]
|
| Jimbo: |
What the hell's going on here? [a crowd gathers]
|
| Priest: |
Look! It's that guy from the public access show!
|
| Blonde: |
What's happening?
|
| Chef: |
Come over here if you're scared, women! I'll protect
you! [Garrison leans onto him] Not you, dammit!
|
| Satan: |
Forante onlisam dum sameli etludemus.
|
| Damien: |
Jesus, my father says… he chooses you! He
calls you out! Be here at this time tomorrow! Then the terms will be
discussed!
|
| Jesus: |
Very well. Let the final battle between Good and Evil
be fought - right here in South Park!
|
| Jimbo: |
Come on, Ned! We've got to get our asses to the bookie!
[the crowd breaks up]
|
| Stan: |
You're gonna fight Satan?
|
| Jesus: |
This fight has been ordained since the beginning! My
children, this is the most crucial and serious time… of all
history.
|
| Commercial |
Who will win our souls? [an hourglass spins on a
horizontal axis]. Our Savior and Lord? [Jesus launches a fireball into
the darkness] Or the Prince of Darkness? [A red demon looms over
several fleeing people] It's the final battle between Good and Evil [A
black figure and a white one bump heads] and it's only on Pay Per View!
Jesus Versus Satan! Live, from the South Park Forum on Saturday. Call
now to order, only $49.95
|
|
[Cartman's house. The boys
have just seen the commercial]
|
| Cartman: |
Hey, wait a minute. Saturday is my birthday party. They
can't have the fight on Saturday!
|
| Kenny: |
Quack-quack.
|
| Stan: |
[to Kyle] I don't know what to do, dude. Do we go to
the fight, or Cartman's birthday? |
| Cartman: |
Cartman's birthday!
|
| Kyle: |
We can't miss the final apocalyptic battle between Good
and Evil!
|
| Cartman: |
You guys, my mom is getting a Ferris wheel.
|
| Stan: |
Well, come on. We we have to at least see the weigh-in.
|
| Cartman: |
Who the hell decided the fight had to be on Satuday,
huh?! This whole thing is a plot against me, isn't it?!
|
|
[Main St. A crowd is gathered
for the weigh-in. Jesus waits for him, too] |
| Priest: |
When is Satan gonna show up? [the boys rush up]
|
| Stan: |
Did the Devil show up yet? |
| Jesus: |
Not yet.
|
| Kyle: |
Hey, Jesus! Ih-if you win the fight, can you turn Kenny
back to normal?
|
| Jesus: |
…What the hell do you mean if I win the
fight? |
| Cartman: |
Don't mind him, Jesus, he's Jewish.
|
| Jesus: |
Oh.
|
| Jimbo: |
We're all with you, Jesus! We put every dime we have on
you beatin' that Dark Prince. [the crowd cheers]
|
| Jesus: |
Thank you for your faith but, I think perhaps you don't
understand the severity of the situation.
|
| Priest: |
You're gonna kick his ass, Jesus. [More cheering. A
pillar of fire appears. Rectus…dominus…]
|
| Jesus: |
Behold. The Evil One approaches.
|
| Satan: |
Yeah. [He appears, and the crowd gasps at his size]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Holy poop on a stick!
|
| Satan: |
Puny Son of Jehovah! Prepare to enter thy House of
Pain!
|
| Stan: |
Holy crap, dude. Satan is huge.
|
| Jimbo: |
Now that is a man who has eaten a lot of beef! |
| Satan: |
Son of God, I will smash thy face into small little
bits!
|
| Jesus: |
Oh - oh yeah??
|
| Man in crowd: |
Damn.
|
| Satan: |
I have such delightful horrors to unleash upon thee.
|
| Jesus: |
Oh yeah?? [A scale is brought in, and Satan is directed
to stand on it]
|
| Announcer: |
Satan weighs in at - 320 lbs, 4 oz. [the crowd gasps.
Satan steps off, and Jesus steps on] Jesus Christ weighs in at - 135
lbs., 1 oz. [the crowd lets out a long sigh of disappointment]
|
| Chef: |
Ooh crap.
|
| Jesus: |
Aw, come on! I weigh more than that.
|
| Satan: |
Let the new prince be decided on Saturday. First South
Park, then the world. [the clouds gather behind him. He then turns and
walks away]
|
| Jimbo: |
[holding his ticket up] Well-uh… I think
I'll-uh uuduh-I think I left the oven on.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Yeah, I think I left your oven on, too.
|
| Priest: |
Uh-ssee ya - Saturday - Jesus. Ggood luck. [The crowd
breaks up.]
|
|
[The Sports Book $. Two
screens are showing horse races]
|
| Man 1: |
Change my bet!
|
| Man 2: |
I'm betting on the Devil!
|
| Jimbo: |
I wanna change my bet to Satan.
|
| Ned: |
Me, too.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Wai-wa I was here first.
|
|
[South Park Elementary, Mr.
Mackey's office. Damien is in]
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Now, uh, as your counselor, I
want you to feel like you can tell me anything. mkay? Uh, being the new
kid can be tough, but I'm your friend, mkay? |
| Damien: |
Everybody hates me!
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Well-uh. Why do you suppose that is?
|
| Damien: |
Because I'm the son of the Devil?
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Uhuh. That's a good start, why else?
|
| Damien: |
Because I… burn them and kill them?
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Well yeah, maybe that's it. Wha…
wha what you need to do, uh Damien, is - is to be overly nice. Nde no
no matter how mean the other kids are to you, just don't retaliate.
Yeeu be passive, mkay? That's what I taught the little British boy,
Pip, and, and just look at how much the other children like him now.
|
|
[The playground. Bebe, K. C.,
the other blonde girl, and Clyde surround Pip]
|
| Clyde: |
I bet I can spit the most on him. [spits, and it lands
on Pip's left shoulder]
|
| Bebe: |
Oh yeah? I bet I can spit in his hair. [spits, and it
lands on his right eye]
|
| Pip: |
Eho. Nice try. A little higher and you've got it.
|
| Stan: |
Damn, recess sucks without any slides or nothin'
|
| Cartman: |
[Sees Damien coming] Oh, here comes the unholy butthole
now. Ey! Thanks a lot for burning everything down, you little bitch!
|
| Damien: |
I a - pologize for ruining your
playground. And turning your friend into a duck-billed platypus. I was
doing my father's bidding. I didn't have a choice. [a sequence of
blinks hints as to the boys' response. Cartman moves closer to Damien]
|
| Cartman: |
[farts and moves away] Oh, excuse me new kid. I didn't
mean to fart on you, I didn't have a choice! [Damien is angry, but
restrains himself]
|
| Stan: |
Phew! You stink, new kid. You smell like a fart.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. We're gonna call you Fartboy from now on.
|
| Stan: |
Bubye, Fartboy.
|
| Kyle: |
See ya.
|
| Pip: |
Good day, Damien. How are you?
|
| Damien: |
Those guys farted on me, and then called me-
|
| Pip: |
Fartboy? Oho good. Perhaps they won't call me that
anymore.
|
|
[people are having drinks.
Chef is at the bar talking to someone. Jesus throws open the doors and
enters]
|
| Jesus: |
Ahm-hm-hm! Excuse me, I just talked to the bookie at
the sports betting bar-
|
| Chef: |
Oh ooh. [a woman at a nearby table whistles the same
thing]
|
| Jesus: |
I have been forsaken! It seems that several bets were
changed to Satan this morning. [Two men at the bar look at each other]
In fact, it seems that only one person in this entire town is still
betting on me!
|
| Priest: |
You should all be ashamed of yourselves, betting
against your Lord and Savior! I am disgusted!
|
| Jesus: |
Your bet was changed as well. You forsaked me too!
|
| Priest: |
Oho… Right, well… He does have a
couple of hundred pounds on you, Jesus.
|
| Jesus: |
I implore you all: don't bet on the Dark One. It is a
bet that you will never win.
|
| Priest: |
Jesus, I am sorry I have sinned against you. I'm gonna
march right over to that bookie and change my bet right now!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Oh, yeyeah, yeah, me too, me too.
|
| Jimbo: |
Yeah.
|
| Priest: |
Praise the Lo-hohohord! Thank you sweet Jesus for
showing us the light! See ya later. [Jesus turns and walks out] What
the hell, does he think we're all crazy?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Yeah, crazy. [Two men that look like Bill and Fosse
chortle behind him]
|
| Man 3: |
He's so gay.
|
| Man 4: |
Yeah. [The two men seen earlier toast the comments, and
Jesus looks in once more.]
|
| Jesus: |
You're all a bunch of Judases!
|
|
[Outside the bar. Jesus runs
into Stan, Kyle, and Kenny]
|
| Stan: |
Hey, Jesus.
|
| Jesus: |
What are you doing out so late, kids?
|
| Kyle: |
We have to find Red and Green Mega Man for Cartman's
birthday party.
|
| Jesus: |
Oh. Kids, yeyou believe I can beat Satan, right?
|
| Stan: |
Sh-sure, dude, you're the Son of God.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. You aren't having any doubts, are you?
|
| Jesus: |
No, uh-no, no. But could ya help me train a little?
|
|
[Satan's press conference. At
least three television stations (4, 11, and 38) have crews present]
|
| Reporter 1: |
Satan, what do expect the outcome of the fight to be?
|
| Satan: |
I will crush him like a little bug!
|
| Reporter 2: |
Satan, what about the rumors of your involvement in the
Gulf War? [Satan thinks a moment, then begins to answer, but a hand
covers his mouth]
|
| Don King: |
Let's focus on the fight, can we
please? I'm so sick of people talkin' smack about my fighters, all this
'He's mean. He's a dirty fighter. He's the cause for all the violence
and death in the world.' It's just getting old. Let's just let
everything be decided in the ring.
|
|
[A training room. Jesus is
working on a punching bag while Stan and Kyle look on. Cartman enters]
|
| Cartman: |
You guys, shouldn't you be out shopping for my birthday
presents?
|
| Stan: |
Here Jesus, drink these raw eggs.
|
| Jesus: |
No way, dude!
|
| Chef: |
[in the ring] Ah-ah-ah I can't. I can't hit Jesus
Christ. My mother would never speak to me again.
|
| Stan: |
But you're his sparring partner, Chef.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah, you have to hit him.
|
| Jesus: |
Satan must be defeated, Chef! Pleae help me to train.
|
| Chef: |
Okay. But I'm just gonna tap you. Alright?
|
| Jesus: |
Give it your best sho- [poof] Oh! [falls back to the
floor]
|
| Chef: |
Oh! God in Heaven! What have I done?!
|
| Jesus: |
Anybody get the number of that truck? [drops his head]
|
|
[several
balloons are tethered to the banner. Carnival music plays. Two
elephants are present, as is the Ferris wheel, all in the backyard]
|
| Mrs. Cartman: |
Come on, kiddies. Eat more.
|
| Cartman: |
[greeting children as they come in with their peresents]
Welcome, Clyde. Please put your present on the table to your left.
Welcome, Bebe, presents go to your left. Welcome, Chef.
|
| Chef: |
Yup! Here's your present, children. [hands Cartman his
gift] Well, uhnice party. Uh, see ya later.
|
| Kyle: |
Hey, you just got here, Chef!
|
| Chef: |
I know, but the fight is starting.
|
| Stan: |
Dude, check it out. Cartman's mom made chili.
|
| Mrs Cartman: |
[turning to see what Stan said, and sees Chef] Mmmmm.
|
| Chef: |
Mmmmm. That's my favorite kind of chili.
|
|
[On the sidewalk in front of
Cartman's house, Damien and Pip sit]
|
| Damien: |
I guess all the kids are at that fat boy's party.
|
| Pip: |
Yes. It's always such a huge event. Sometimes, I like
to sneak up to the fence and close my eyes, and pretend I'm there.
|
| Damien: |
The other kids have always hated you?
|
| Pip: |
Oh yes. Actually I think they make fun of the fat boy a
lot too,… but now I think they like him because he picks on
me. [Damien gets an idea]
|
| Michael Buffer: |
In the blue corner, wearing white trunks, weighing in
at a mere 140 lbs., Jesus, El Saviooor-rrrrrrrrrr, Christ! [the crowd
cheers] And in the very very blllack corner, wearing very very blllack
trunks, the king of all that is evilll, Beeeeeelzebub! [the crowd now
cheers for Satan. Jesus turns and glowers at them, and they shrink]
Ladies and gentlemen, Lllllet's get ready to rumbllllle!!
|
| Referee: |
Okay, I want a good clean fight guys. No punches below
the belt, holding, or miracles. [the bell rings]
|
|
[Cartman's birthday party. A
carnie does tricks. Damien enters with Pip in tow]
|
| Cartman |
Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing here? |
| Stan: |
Yeah, you weren't invited, new kid.
|
| Kyle: |
And neither were you, Pip!
|
| Pip: |
Yes. I tried to tell Damien that we weren't invited,
but-
|
| Damien: |
Wait a minute! Give me a chance. I want to do something
special for your party. [His eye flare up again.
Rectus…dominus… Damien taps Pip on the shoulder
and the ground opens up.]
|
| Pip |
[Small demons grab him.
…sancti…cheesy poofs…] Aaaa! [He is
launched like a rocket] Aye Aye Aye Ayeeeeeeeeeeeee! [He gives off
fireworks]
|
| Kyle: |
Wow!
|
| Stan: |
Whoa, that was cool! [The children, Bebe, Wendy, and
Clyde among them, look up and are duly impressed. They applaud]
|
| Kyle: |
Hey, you're not such a bad guy after all, Damien.
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah. Come on in and join the party. [Damien is pleased]
|
|
[South Park Forum,
round 2. Satan and Jesus meet up. Satan gives Jesus a hard left,
throwing him against the ropes. The crowd cheers. Jesus looks back, and
they are silent. Jesus turns to fight, but receives a blow in the
abdomen, again stumbling to the ropes. Satan gives him a left cross.
Satan stands back, and Jesus' halo now flutters all over the place]
|
| Satan: |
Come on, you little wuss, fight! Throw a punch!
|
|
[Cartman's birthday party. He
is now opening his presents]
|
| Cartman: |
Oooh I wonder what Stan got me for
my birthday present? Oh look, a Blue Mega Maaan. Thank you, Stan, you
may now eat pie and cake and ice cream now. [Stan leaves] And what did
Wendy get me? Oooh it's the Yellow Mega Maaan. Help yourself to pie and
cake and ice cream, Wendy.[she leaves] Oh, look what Kyle got me? It's
the Red Mega-… Ants In The Pants? Ants In The Pan- ANTS IN
THE PANTS? [thumps the table in anger]
|
| Kyle: |
It's a game, dude. It's really fun.
|
| Cartman: |
YOU SON OF A BITCH! [lunges towards Kyle]
|
| Kyle: |
[as he is pinned by Cartman] Aaaaa!
|
| Cartman: |
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GET ME THE RED MEGA MAN, EH! NOW I
CAN'T MAKE THE ULTRA MEGA MEGA MAN, YOU DIRTY CHEAP-ASS PIECE OF CRAP!
[slapping him around by now]
|
| Kyle: |
They were all out of 'em dude!
|
| Cartman: |
I HATE YOU! I WANT YOU TO DIE! DIE!!
|
| Kyle: |
[At the same time] Aaaaaaaa!
|
| Cartman: |
[getting up and moving towards the center of the yard]
That's it! Party is over! [the kids look glum] Everybody go home! [he
turns the party switch off. Music slows to a stop, everything goes
dark, and the banner floats away] GET THE HELL OUT, I SAID! THE PARTY'S
OVER! GET OUT, GODDAMMIT! [Stan and Kyle stop]
|
| Stan: |
Whoa, dude, you need to mellow out!
|
| Cartman: |
Take your stupid Ants In The Pants with you! [Throws it
at Kyle, who is felled by it. The kids regroup in front of the house]
|
| Damien: |
Wow. That kid has some emotional problems.
|
| Stan: |
Aaanh, he does this all the time.
|
| Chef: |
Come on, children! We can still catch the end of the
fight!
|
| Pip: |
[descending] Ooooooooooooooooooooooo uf! Ohoho, what a
splendid par-ty.
|
|
[South Park Forum, a
later round. Satan gives Jesus a fierce left, launching him into the
air and against the ropes again. Jesus comes forward, and Satan gives
him a right to the face.]
|
| Jesus: |
Oh! [backs up helplessly]
|
| Satan: |
Fight, dammit! [gives him another right to the face]
|
| Jesus: |
Oow! [Satan pick him up] Ooooooh! [throws him against
the rope, then gives him another right to the face. Jesus now has a
swollen left eye]
|
| Stan: |
[as he, Kyle, and Kenny approach Jeus' corner] Dude,
Jesus is getting his butt kicked! [the round ends] You've got to fight,
Jesus.
|
| Jesus: |
Why? What's the point? Nobody believes in me. Everyone
put their money on Satan. My Father forsaked me, the town forsaked
me… I'm completely forsook.
|
| Kyle: |
Somebody bet on you, Jesus. You said yourself that one
person still had money on you.
|
| Jesus: |
It doesn't matter. He's way too strong for me anyway-I
give up.
|
| Stan: |
Goddammit Jesus, snap out of it! What
would Nancy Kerrigan do, huh? Mancy Kerrigan wouldn't give up. When
things were looking their darkest, Nancy Kerrigan fought to be the
best. [Kyle looks at him] She wouldn't stop until she was Number One!
|
| Kyle: |
Uuuuh. Stan?
|
| Stan: |
Nancy Kerrigan wouldn't settle for second-best!
|
| Kyle: |
Stan.
|
| Stan: |
She wouldn't quit until she brought home the gold!
|
| Kyle: |
Stan!
|
| Stan: |
[turning to Kyle] What?
|
| Kyle: |
Nancy Kerrigan got the silver, dude. She came in
second.
|
| Stan: |
[thinks a moment] …Really?
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah, dude!
|
| Stan: |
Hoh, never mind, Jesus. Nancy Kerrigan sucks. [Jesus
takes a ladleful of water from a pail next to him] You know, somebody
once said. 'Don't try to be a great man, just be a man'
|
| Jesus: |
… Who said that?
|
| Stan: |
You did, Jesus. [Jesus ponders these words as he looks
at Satan]
|
| Jesus: |
You're right, Stan. Thank you, boys! [gets up as the
next round begins and fights without his halo]
|
| Kyle: |
Wow. Did he say that in the Bible?
|
| Stan: |
Nah, I saw it on Star Trek.
|
| Kyle: |
Hmmm.
|
|
[Satan takes a couple of swing at Jesus, but Jesus
ducks them]
|
| Satan: |
Come on, sissy. Hit me! Hit me!
|
| Jesus: |
Okay, pal. You asked for it! [The
crowd looks on as Jesus prepares to punch Satan. Jesus delivers the
blow, but nothing happens. The sound of escaping air is heard. Stan
just buries his head in his hands in disbelief]
|
| Satan: |
[protecting his ribs] Ooooooh, you got me. [drops flat
on his back]
|
| Referee: |
One…Two…Three…
|
| Jimbo: |
No way! He barely touched him!
|
| Referee: |
…Seven…Eight [Satan opens his
left eye, then closes it again.]…Nine…Ten. You're
out! [The match ends, and Jesus jumps up in victory]
|
| Stan, Kyle: |
Our Savior!
|
| Michael Buffer: |
The winner by knockout and still undisputed ruler of
your spiritual kingdommmm, Jesus, El Saviooor-rrrrrrrrrr, Christ!
[Satan pops right back up]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Hey, he isn't hurt. He took a dive, he threw the fight!
|
| Jimbo: |
Yeah!
|
| Satan: |
Fools! You are all fools! Of course I took a dive.
Don't you see? Who do you think was the one person that bet on Jesus to
win? [The crowd wonders] Me,
you idiots! And now I will take all your hard-earned money, and return
to Hell a much richer Prince of Darkness, and buy some realty. HA HA HA
HA HAA! [dances out of the ring]
|
| Priest: |
I don't believe this!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Yeah, what a mean thing to do!
|
| Satan: |
[now on the Forum floor] Farewell, fools!
|
| Jimbo: |
Man, that guy is a jerk. [Satan dances away and Stan
enters the ring]
|
| Stan: |
[over the microphone] Jesus told you guys not to bet on
Satan.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Boy, did we get screwed.
|
| Chef: |
Jesus, we're sorry. Can you ever forgive us?
|
| Jesus: |
Aw heck. [puts his halo back on] Do I have a choice?
[The crowd cheers with relief]
|
| Jimbo: |
Well, Jesus, I definitely learned my
lesson. Neeever bet on evil, 'cause when you d- Ned! Look, there's a
rare duck-billed platypus! [Kenny is highlighted] Ih-it's comin' right
for us! [pulls out a semi-automatic and fires away at Kenny. Kenny is
soon on the floor with his head blown off.]
|
| Stan: |
Oh my God, they killed Kenny.
|
| Kyle: |
You bastard!
|
| Damien: |
Well, goodbye, guys. It was nice getting to know you.
[rats swarm all over Kenny's head]
|
| Stan: |
You're leaving already?
|
| Damien: |
I have to. My dad's always on the move. [the rats leave
also]
|
| Stan: |
Wow. I feel kinda bad for that kid.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. Just when he was being accepted he has to leave
and start over.
|
| Stan: |
Parents can be so cruel. Don't they realize that what a
child needs more than anything is security?
|
|
[Cartman's backyard. He's the
only one at the picnic table, and it's still full of food. Cartman
looks full, though]
|
| Mrs. Cartman: |
More pie, hon?
|
| Cartman: |
Eh…n-yeh.
No…more…pie…eheh…seriously.
|
|
[End of Damien] |
