|
[The kids are gathered on
stage at one end of South Park Elementary's gym] |
| Class: |
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year! |
| Stan: |
[steps forth from the choir and heads towards center
stage] Lights, please. [The lights dim. He steps into the spotlight and
quotes from the Gospel of Luke (2:8-11,14)]
And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the fields,
keeping watch over their flocks by night. And lo, an angel of the Lord
came upon them, and they were sore afraid, and the angel said unto
them, 'Fear not, for behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, for born
unto you this day in the city of…David is the Savior, Jesus
Christ, the
Lord. Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace, goodwill towards
men'
And now, South Park Elementary presents the Birth of
Jesus
|
|
[Stan steps aside while presenting
the Nativity scene. The curtains open, and nine students stand in and
around the grotto. Kenny is the angel floating above the manger, Wendy
is Mary, about to give birth; Kyle is Joseph, ready to receive Jesus;
Cartman is one of the three shepherds on the left side of the stage,
and three Wise Men stand on the right side. Wendy is simulating birth
pangs.] |
| Wendy: |
Unh [labored breathing] Oh! |
| Kyle: |
Come on, Mary! Push! |
| Wendy: |
Aaaah!
|
| Kyle: |
I can see its head!
|
| Wendy: |
UUuuhh-UUuuhh [a doll pops out beside Mary and flips
through the air. Joseph catches it] |
| Kyle: |
It's a boy! [unfortunately, he's now holding the doll
wrong] |
| Cartman: |
Oohhhh!
|
| Kenny: |
(Kyle has Jesus' head instead!)
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Wait a minute, wait, wait,
wait, Kyle, what the hell was that? You need to hold the baby by the
legs, not by the head. What kind of sick weirdo are you?
|
| Kyle: |
…Sorry
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
And Wendy, I'm still not believing the labor pains.
|
| Wendy: |
Okay
|
| Sheila Broflovski: |
[approaching Mr. Garrison] Mr. Garrison, what the hell
do you think you're doing?!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Well, I'm trying to direct the school Christmas play,
but your son was holding the baby Jesus fetus by the head [shot of Mary
and Joseph looking at the argument]
|
| Sheila Broflovski: |
How dare you include the Nativity in a school play?
Don't you realize my son is Jewish?! [another shot. Kyle's head drops]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
…So?
|
| Sheila Broflovski: |
So what makes you think he should play Joseph of
Arimathea?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Because it's Christmas???
|
| Sheila Broflovski: |
Our family doesn't celebrate Christmas. [the kids gasp]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Ogod, you're not gonna lay that Channukah crap on me,
are you? |
| Sheila Broflovski: |
Whatwhatwhaaat?!? You're not going to get away with
this, Mr. Garrison!!
|
| Cartman: |
Oh dude! Kyle's mom is here to ruin Christmas!
|
| Kyle: |
[shoots back] Shut up, fat boy!
|
| Cartman: |
I'm not fat, I'm festively plump.
|
| Stan: |
Why are you Jewish on Christmas, Kyle?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
O-kay! Kyle, is there anything you can do for the
Christmas play that isn't related to Jesus?
|
| Sheila Broflovski: |
How about the dreidl song, bubbe?
|
| Kyle: |
I can sing the Mr. Hankey song…
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
The Mr. Hankey song-how does that go?
|
| Kyle: |
Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
he loves me and I love y-
|
| Stan: |
Christmas Poo?
|
| Cartman: |
What the hell is Christmas Poo?
|
| Kyle: |
Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. Haven't you guys ever
heard of it?
|
| Sheila Broflovski: |
Kyle, that is enough!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
See, that's what you get when you raise your child to
be a pagan.
|
| Sheila Broflovski: |
Now that does it! I'm going straight to the mayor about
you, Mr Garrison.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[interrupting and following her] Oh wait wait wait. Was
it the pagan remark?
|
| Wendy: |
[getting up] You guys, look! It's snowing! [snow
is seen through a window. The kids step out of costume and rush out of
school to take advantage of this opportunity, cheering all the way.]
|
|
[In the school playground]
|
| Stan: |
Whoa, Christmas snow!
|
| Wendy: |
Try to catch snowflakes on your tongue [A soft
instrumental starts up] It's fun.
|
|
[The kids shuffle back and forth catching
snowflakes. When Kenny looks up an eagle passes overhead and dumps a
load - right on Kenny's face.]
|
| Kenny: |
Ptui [Cartman is watching with glee]
|
| Stan: |
That was sick, dude!
|
| Cartman: |
[seeing Kyle lolling for a snowflake] Hey! [Kyle is
taken aback] What the hell are you doing? Jewish people can't eat
Christmas snow!
|
| Kyle: |
We can, too!
|
| Stan: |
…nnnaw I think it's against the law, dude. |
| Kyle: |
Officer Barbrady!
|
| Officer Barbrady: |
What? [a car screeches to a halt as he raises his arm]
|
| Kyle: |
Is it illegal for Jewish people to eat Christmas snow?
|
| Officer Barbrady: |
[after a long pause] Yyess.
|
| Kyle: |
Damnit!
|
| Stan: |
Hey come on guys. We have to go to the mall and tell
Santa Claus what we want for Christmas.
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah. We'll see you later, Kyle. Guess there's no
reason for you to come, since you don't get Christmas presents.
|
| Kyle: |
No. But I get Channukah presents for eight days.
|
| Cartman: |
Too bad it's usually a dreidel or something lame like
that.
|
| Stan: |
We'll catch up with you later, Kyle. [walks off with
Wendy and the others]
|
| Kyle: |
Wait! I may not have Santa, but I do have Mr. Hankey,
the Christmas Poo.
|
| Stan: |
Wha-what is this about Christmas Poo, dude?
|
| Kyle: |
Mr. Hankey. He comes out of the toilet every year and
gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet.
|
| Cartman: |
Uh, Kyle? Come on, seriously? You are really reaching
right now.
|
| Kyle: |
Well! You're gonna be sorry when you see me riding
around on Santa's sleigh with Mr. Hankey, fatass!
|
| Cartman: |
You're not gonna ride on Santa's sleigh 'cause you're a
Jew, Kyle. [turns left and walks away]
|
| Stan: |
See you around, dude. [follows Cartman away]
|
|
[Kyle is left alone in the playground as winds howl
around him. The camera zooms in on him as the intro to his song plays]
|
| Kyle: |
It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas
My friends won't let me join in any games
And I can't sing Christmas songs or decorate a Christmas tree
or leave water out for Rudolph 'cause there's something wrong with me
My people don't believe in Jesus Christ's divinity
I'm a Jew
A lonely Jew
On Christmas
[He walks away, then peeks at the mall from behind a
tree.
Stan is on Santa's lap while Cartman and Kenny wait in line, now
forming on Santa's left]
Channukah is nice, but why is it
That Santa passes over my house every year?
And instead of eating ham I have to eat kosher latke
Instead of Silent Night I'm singing huhash dogavish
And what the fuck is up with lighting all these fucking candles, tell
me please?
I'm a Jew
A lonely Jew
I'd be merry
But I'm Hebrew
On Christ-maas
|
|
[He walks down the road, past a Toy Shoppe and a stand
of Christmas trees. The camera pulls back as he walks out of view.]
|
|
[Outside City Hall a crowd
gathers]
|
| The Mayor: |
Ahem. Okay everybody, settle down.
|
| Large woman: |
Mayor, we are deeply offended by the Nativity scene in
front of the capital office. Church and State are separate!
|
| Some men: |
No! Wrong!
|
| Kyle: |
[appearing among his friends] What's going on, you
guys?
|
| Stan: |
The whole town's pissed off at each other. It's really
sweet.
|
| Sheila Broflovski: |
That isn't all, Mayor! The school play is doing a
Nativity scene! It isn't being sensitive to the Jewish community!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
You are the Jewish community!
|
| Crowd: |
Yeah! Yeah!
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, boy! Superbitch is at it again!
|
| Kyle: |
Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!
|
| Priest: |
Mayor, the Nativity is what Christmas is all about. If
you remove Christ, you must remove Santa and Frosty and all of that
garbage, too! [the crowd cheers]
|
| Woman: |
Hallelujah!
|
| Man: |
Amen!
|
| Tree hugger: |
And we must put a stop to the cutting down of Christmas
trees!
|
| Man 1: |
Raah!
|
| Man 2: |
Give me a break!
|
| Uncle Jimbo: |
And I'm sick and tired of those
little flaps on coffee lids. If you don't want to spill your coffee,
you shouldn't be driving with it.
|
| Crowd: |
[processes Jimbo's words, then] Yeah! Yeah!
|
| The Mayor: |
Okay, people, we clearly need to reach a compromise.
Perhaps we need a new icon for Christmas.
|
| Assistant 1: |
Oooo, brilliant idea, Mayor! [the crowd mulls over the
suggestion]
|
| Kyle: |
Hey! How about Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo?
|
| The Mayor: |
Ex-cuse me?
|
| Kyle: |
Mr. Hankey. He comes out of the toilet every year and
gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet.
|
| Sheila Broflovski: |
Kyle! Sshhh!
|
| Kyle: |
It's true. He doesn't care what faith you are.
Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
he loves me and I love you
Therefore, vicariously he loves you
Even if-
|
| Cartman: |
[stopping Kyle] Never mind him. He's a very disturbed
little boy.
|
| Kenny: |
(Kyle's crazy!)
|
| Stan: |
Yeah.
|
| Sheila Broflovski: |
Okay, Kyle, we're leaving right nowww. [she drags him
away]
|
| Kyle: |
Wait…
|
| The Mayor: |
Anyway, I'll put together a crack
team of my best workers to make sure this'll be the most non-offensive
Christmas ever - to any religious or minority group of any kind. Are
there any other suggestions? [Mr. Garrison raises his and] Yyes, Mr.
Garrison.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Can we get rid of all the Mexicans?
|
| The Mayor: |
[Looks back, then] No, Mr. Garrison, we cannot get rid
of all the Mexicans
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Rats!
|
|
[Kyle's house, the
living room. Ike opens up his present - a dreidel. He gives it a spin.
The camera pans to the right and stops at Kyle and his dad]
|
| Mr. Broflovski: |
It is sick and disgusting, and we simply will not have
it!
|
| Sheila Broflovski: |
[popping out behind Mr. Broflovski] Your father's
right, Kyle.
|
| Mr. Broflovski: |
Sheila, let me handle this. Having imaginary friends is
fine, Kyle, but this simply will not do!
|
| Sheila Broflovski: |
[popping out again] Listen to your father, Kyle.
|
|
[The dreidel has gone off to the right,
and Ike goes after it, bumping into the coffee table. The Channukah
menorah on it (day 6) falls on Ike, and he begins to burn]
|
| Mr. Broflovski: |
Now, I want you to repeat after me: 'There is no such
thing as Mr. Hankey'
|
| Kyle: |
But dad, he always sh…
|
| Mr. Broflovski: |
Say it!
|
| Kyle: |
There's no such thing as Mr. Hankey.
|
| Mr. Broflovski: |
Again!
|
| Kyle: |
There's no such thing as Mr. Hankey.
|
| Sheila Broflovski: |
[popping out again] This is for your own good, bubbe.
|
| Mr. Broflovski: |
Now, you go brush your teeth and march into bed! You
won't be opening your Channukah present tonight!
|
| Kyle: |
[softly, under his breath] Probably just another stupid
dreidel anyway.
|
| Mr. Broflovski: |
What did you say?!
|
| Kyle: |
[entering his room] I said Ike's on fire!
|
| Ike: |
Oh oh. On flame? Oh oh. On flame?
|
| Sheila Broflovski: |
Oh my God! [Mr. Broflovski quickly smothers Ike with a
blanket to douse the flames]
|
|
[Kyle's house, the bathroom.
He is brushing his teeth]
|
| Kyle: |
It isn't fair! I don't want to be an outcast!
|
| Voice: |
[echoing from the toilet] Kyle
|
| Kyle: |
[faces the toilet, then returns to brushing his teeth]
I'm not hearing that.
|
| Voice: |
Kyle
|
| Kyle: |
[Hops down and goes to the toilet, then looks into it]
Mr. Hankey?
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
[Pops up and makes his entrance with white gloves and
red elf cap] Howwwwdy-hoooo. [jumps onto the sink] Howdy-ho, Kyle.
Gosh, you're looking swell.
|
| Kyle: |
[now wary] Go away, Mr. Hankey.
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
[speaking rather slowly] You know something, Kyle? You
smell an awful lot like flowers.
|
| Kyle: |
I said go away! My father said you aren't real.
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Not real? Well shucks. If I weren't real, could I sing
this jolly Christmas song? [His begins to sing. As he does so, he skips
around the room and leaves bits of poo behind]
Santa Claus is on his way
He's loaded goodies on his sleigh
To drop them off on Christmas Day
And I'll say 'Howdy-ho'
|
| Kyle: |
Mr. Hankey! Sshhhh! I'll get in trouble.
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Folks'll gather round the fire
sing a song, stroll the choir
Pretty song they'll all retire
And I'll say 'Howdy-ho'
|
|
[He leaves 'NOEL' on the vanity mirror]
|
| Mr. Broflovski: |
[knocks] Kyle, what are you doing in there?
|
| Kyle: |
Nothing.
|
| Mr. Broflovski: |
[knocks] Open this door!
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
I hope that Santa comes real soon
I've been waiting for some we…
|
| Kyle: |
Mr. Hankey, come here. [grabs and
muffles him, and turns as Mr. Broflovski opens the door. Mr. Broflovski
sees a bathroom smeared with feces everywhere, and a boy facing him
holding a big piece of it in his left hand. He gasps and remains
speechless, then]
|
| Mr. Broflovski: |
KYLE!
|
| Kyle: |
[Throttles the poo] Say something, Mr. Hankey! [It
falls over, and Kyle looks forsaken]
|
|
[Kyle's bedroom. Kyle is now
in bed]
|
| Mr. Broflovski: |
Now, you get to sleep, and think about how your poor
mother has to clean that bathroom up!
|
| Sheila Broflovski: |
Whatwhatwhaaat?! Me?! [Mr. Broflovski looks towards his
room and quickly closes the door.]
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
[now on Kyle's comforter] Howdy-ho!
|
| Kyle: |
Mr. Hankey! Where the hell did you go?
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
You should be wearing socks to sleep, Kyle. You're
gonna catch a cold.
|
| Kyle: |
Nobody believes in you, not even my friends.
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Aw, gee, that's too bad.
|
| Kyle: |
Hey! How about you come to school with me tomorrow, so
I can at least prove I'm not crazy to my friends.
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Say, that sounds like a swell idea. We can show
everyone the true spirit of Christmas.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah! We'll show them! [smiles, pleased with the idea]
|
|
[Downtown South Park]
|
| The Mayor: |
Okay, people, we've got to turn this place around! Take
down anything that is offensive to any specific group! [The crowd sets
about dismantling the decorations. A man removes Santa's head from his
sleigh and tosses it onto the street]
|
| Uncle Jimbo: |
[calling forth from Jimbo's Guns] Is mistletoe
offensive?
|
| The Mayor: |
Is anyone offended by mistletoe? [a man raises his
hand]
Lose the mistletoe! [Jimbo clips it off]
|
|
[Bus stop]
|
| Stan: |
You guys! I'm getting that John Elway football helmet
for Christmas!
|
| Cartman: |
How do you know?
|
| Stan: |
'Cause I looked in my parents' closet last night.
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah? Well I sneaked around my mom's closet too, and
saw what I'm getting. The Ultravibe Pleasure 2000.
|
| Stan: |
What's that?
|
| Cartman: |
I don't know, but it sounds pretty sweet.
|
| Kyle: |
[arriving] Hello, everybodyyy.
|
| Stan: |
What's in the box, dude?
|
| Kyle: |
It's a surprise.
|
| Cartman: |
Let me see! [the boys gather around the box]
|
| Kyle: |
O-Okay. But don't scare him… |
|
[A
shot of what Mr. Hankey sees as Stan pops the lid open, then a top-down
view as the poo is shown in all its glory. Cartman and Stan blink]
|
| Stan: |
[angrily] Dude, sick!!! [Kyle looks down at his poo]
|
| Cartman: |
Is this some kind of Jewish tradition?
|
| Kenny: |
(That is the sickest thing I have ever fucking seen!)
|
| Kyle: |
Wait! You guys! He's alive! [jostles the box]
|
| Stan: |
Kyle, I think you'd better get home and get some sleep.
|
| Kyle: |
[shaking the box now] Come on, dance! Daaance! Dance,
damn you!!
|
|
[Research Center]
|
| Researcher: |
[before at least six subjects]
Now this is very simple. I'm going to say words and the computer will
measure how offended you are by them. In this way we can find out which
words are least offensive for use in the holiday season. Are we ready?
[the group looks back] Here we go: Christ [two responses] Hm. Okay.
Cherub. [no response] Hm… Camel [one response] Hm. Sad. [no
response] Stupid Wop Dago. [all respond] Bench…
|
|
[South Park Elementary, the
school gym. The janitors are clearing out the decorations]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Aw, do you have to take away the Christmas tree, too?
|
| Janitor 2: |
Mayor's orders.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Okay, children, I'm really
having a hard time with our Christmas play. The new law states we can't
sing any songs having to do with Jesus or Santa Claus.
|
| Cartman: |
Thanks to Kyle's mother.
|
| Kyle: |
Shut up, Cartman!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
So does anybody know any non-Santa or non-Jesus
Christmas songs. [Cartman raises his hand] Yes, Eric?
|
| Cartman: |
How about we sing "Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch", in D
minor.
|
| Kyle: |
I told you not to call my mom a bitch, Cartman!
|
| Cartman: |
O-ho. Weeeeeeeeeellll
Kyle's mom is a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch
in the whole wide world
She a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch, she's a bitch to all the
boys and girls.
|
| Kyle: |
Shut up, Cartman!
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
[popping up to life] Howdy-ho!
|
| Kyle: |
[hushed] Mr. Hankey.
|
| Cartman: |
Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, on
Wednesday to Saturday she's a bitch
Then on Sunday, just to be different, she's a super King Kamehameha
bi-atch!
[the class is clapping gleefully by now]
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
[while Kyle looks at Cartman with ire] Golly, that
isn't very nice. [Kyle turns to hear him] I'd sure like to teach him a
lesson.
|
| Cartman: |
[Mr Garrison joins in the clapping, but he's off the
beat]
Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the
whole wide world.
She's a mean ole bitch 'cause she has stupid hair, she a bitch bitch
bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch she's a stupid bitch!
Kyle's mom's a bitch and she's just a dirty bitch!
KYLE'S MOOOM IS A - BI-I-I-ITCH - aahh.
|
| Kyle: |
Mr. Hankey, no!
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Mmmrrr-aaarrrggghhh!!! [attackes Cartman]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
What the… [the poo is now on the floor, and
the class gasps]
|
| Cartman: |
Gross, Kyle!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Oh my lord, Kyle, did you just throw doodoo at Eric?
|
| Kyle: |
Uuuuuuhh…
|
| Cartman: |
YOU SICK BASTARD! [snickers are heard]
|
|
[The counselor's office, the
window showing silhouettes of Stan and the counselor. Another student
waits outside.]
|
| Counselor: |
Now, uh, Kyle, as your school counselor, uh I want to
try and help you confront your problems, 'kay?
|
| Kyle: |
I don't have a problem.
|
| Counselor: |
Well it-it's my undertanding that you umhm, yu-you have
an acute case of fecophilia.
|
| Kyle: |
What's that?
|
| Counselor: |
Well-uh, a fecophiliac is somebody who's obsessed with
mookie-stinks, Kyle.
|
| Kyle: |
Mookie-stinks?
|
| Counselor: |
Now I also understand that you're Jewish-Is that right,
Kyle?
|
| Kyle: |
Wull, not on purpose.
|
| Counselor: |
So this must be a pretty hard time of year for you,
being Christmas and all. Do the other kids make fun of ya?
|
| Kyle: |
Well, sometimes…
|
| Counselor: |
And that must make you mad.
|
| Kyle: |
Well sure.
|
| Counselor: |
Mad enough to kill, Kyle??? [looks at him up close]
|
| Kyle: |
No, dude!
|
| Counselor: |
Oh that's good. You see, Kyle, sometimes we feel like
an outsider, we-we create friends, Okay-in our minds, Okay?
|
| Kyle: |
But Mr. Hankey seemed so real…
|
| Counselor: |
Well of course he does; in your screwed-up little head
he's the only friend you have. [sips from his coffee cup]
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
[now bathing in the cup] Kyle! [Kyle lowers his head]
Howdy-ho. [Kyle is shocked]
|
| Counselor: |
Right now you're nuttier than Chinese chicken salad,
mkay-I mean, you're one screwed-up little kid do you understand?
|
|
[Kyle looks back up in horror at the counselor, who
takes another sip of coffee. Kyle closes his eyes in dread
anticipation]
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
[still bathing in the counselor's coffee]
Santa's loaded up his sleigh
flying around his merry way…
|
| Counselor: |
To try and stay positive stay away from drug and
alcohol, and in the meantime I'm gonna put you on a heavy regimen of
Prozac [notices his cup and gasps. A piece of poo is floating around in
it] Uuuuuuugghh-oh my God, you sick little monkey! [Kyle's mouth is
twisted with chagrin]
|
|
[South Park Elementary, the
school gym. Christmas lights are still hanging and lit]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Okay, children, we've just received word from the mayor
that the Christmas play can't include any Christmas lights, since they
offend people with epilepsy…
|
| Students: |
Hhmm
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
…so Kenny, would you please go over and pull
the lights cords out of the wall?
[a
low faucet is dripping next to the outlet, creating a puddle that goes
past it. The class looks at the sight, then Kenny goes over…]
Careful now, Kenny, those are very, very dangeous.
[Kenny tugs at the cords and they come out. He looks at the class, then
walks back to his spot]
Okay. Now let's practice our… [The counselor rushes in,
followed by Kyle]
|
| Counselor: |
No! Get away from me!
|
| Kyle: |
Here. Just look more closely at it.
|
| Counselor: |
No! Go away! Stan, you need to do something about your
friend, mkay. Get him out of here before he hurts anybody! Mkay?
|
|
[South Park Mental House]
|
| Stan: |
Hullo, we need to commit our friend, Kyle please.
|
| Nurse: |
Reason?
|
| Kyle: |
I'm a clinically depressed fecophiliac on Prozac.
|
| Nurse: |
Any allergies?
|
| Kyle: |
No.
|
| Nurse: |
Jacket! [two burly men come out
through the doors on either side of the nurse and wrap Kyle up, then
take him inside, chattering all the while]
|
| Cartman: |
Bye, Kyle! Happy Channukah!
|
|
[South Park Elementary, the
school gym.]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Okay, children, does eveyone have their leotards on?
[they do, and just look back. The camera now looks out to the audience]
|
| Artsy Man: |
Good, it looks like they have taken the Christmas trees
down.
|
| His Date: |
Yes, and there's nothing Christian, either. This should
be great!
|
| Sheila Broflovski: |
Oh, this could be such a wonderful Christmas play - I
wish our little Kyle was here to see it [now sobbing]
|
|
[South Park Mental House]
|
| Kyle: |
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I will play
Second verse, same as the first
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidelll-I ma…
|
|
[South Park Elementary, the
school gym. The MC is on stage]
|
| MC: |
Welcome to the South Park Elementary
Holiday…
|
| Man 1: |
[pointing] Wait, wait, there's a star above the stage.
That's very offensive to non-Christians.
|
| Uncle Jimbo: |
Oh, come on!
|
| Man 1: |
Hey! Don't put your beliefs on me, buddy!
|
| Randy Marsh |
I agree.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[peeking through the curtain] Oh brother. [steps back]
Kenny,would you please climb that ladder and take down the star above
the stage? [Kenny approaches the ladder and starts climbing] And be
careful not to fall in that little pool below you, Kenny, the shark for
the third act is in there.
|
| Kenny: |
[Looks down at the pool] (Hunh?) [looks back at Mr.
Garrison.]
|
| MC: |
Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to the
South Park Elementary Holiday Experience. Before we bring out the
kiddies for the play, here's a non-offensive, non-denominational
holiday song by the school chef.
|
| Chef: |
I'm gonna lay you down by the Yule log
I'm gonna love you right
Baby, I'm gonna deck your halls
And silence your nights
[Kenny reaches the star and makes sure he's safe]
You'll hear the herald angels sing
When I'm sliding off your bra
I just can't wait to jingle your bells
and falala your love…
|
| Stan: |
[You can break my heart, and that means] I wish Kyle
was here. It just doesn't seem right without him.
|
| Cartman: |
[We should make love] Well. Ol' Kyle's gonna be locked
up for a while, so get used to it.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
['Cause if we don't-] Okay, kids, get ready to take
your places.
|
| MC: |
[as the crowd cheers] Thank you, Chef!
|
| Kenny: |
[finally descends in one piece with the star] (Phew!)
|
| MC: |
And now, South Park Elementary presents
the happy, non-offensive, non-denominational Christmas Play, with music
and lyrics by New York minimalist composer, Philip Glass! |
|
[Philip Glass moves into position and
start playing his keyboards. The curtains draw back, and the kids look
out at the audience. They begin to move around]
|
| Voice-over: |
As I turn and look into the sun, the rays burn my eyes
[a track saying "Happy Happy Happy, Everybody Happy" is added, along
with an arpeggio. Members of the audience look confused] How like a
turtle the sun looks.
|
| Sheila Broflovski: |
What the hell is this??? [The kids just keep moving and
turning] This is horrible!!!
|
| Priest: |
This is the most God-awful piece of crap I've ever
seen!!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
You're the ones who made it this way!
|
| Priest: |
Yeah, it's because the Jews said it couldn't be
Christian. [without a nativity scene, how could it be Christian?]
|
| Mr. Broflovski: |
It wasn't our idea to take out Santa Claus! [that was
the priest's idea.]
|
| Elderly Tree Hugger: |
All you bastards ruined Christmas!
|
|
[the crowd descends into brawling. A person in blue is
thrown towards the stage. The Broflovskis trap the priest]
|
| Mr. Broflovski: |
Get him in the ribs! [Sheila punches the priest]
|
| Priest: |
Oof.
|
| Man in audience: |
[picking up the elderly tree hugger] Damn tree hugger!
[tosses him away]
|
| Stan: |
This sucks, dude. This is like the worst Christmas I
have ever seen.
|
| Wendy: |
Yeah.
|
| Chef: |
[now on stage behind the children] Say, where's Kyle?
|
| Stan: |
We committed him.
|
| Chef: |
What? Why?
|
| Cartman: |
'Cause. He kept seeing this little brown piece of
Christmas poo everywhere that he went.
|
|
[…and everywhere that Kyle went the poo was
sure to go]
|
| Chef: |
Chirstmas poo? You yuh-you mean Mr. Hankey.
|
| Stan: |
Huh?! O-oh.
|
|
[The crowd continues to brawl. Sheila uses a chair on
her husband, who quickly falls to the floor. She watches him fall]
|
|
[Back at the gym. The
man in blue is thrown from his post for the third time - an obvious
blooper, as the Broflovskis have the priest trapped again]
|
| Stan: |
This is horrible! Everybody's fighting and my best
friend is in an institution, all because we didn't believe in Mr.
Hankey!
|
| Chef: |
Well! You can believe in him now. [a woman backs up
across the stage as a man flies towards her. The crowd is more violent
now]
|
| Woman: |
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH
|
| Stan: |
I believe. [a piano begins to play softly]
|
| Wendy: |
I believe in Mr. Hankey.
|
|
[A shoebox at one side of the stage
starts to jump, and the lid pops off. Mr. Hankey jumps up and floats in
the air, surrounded by pixie dust] |
| Mr. Hankey: |
Hoooowwwwwdy-ho!!! [all on stage gasp] Howdy, folks.
Gosh you sure do smell all nice and flowery.
|
| Cartman, Stan: |
Whoa!!
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Howdy-ho, Chef!
|
| Chef: |
Howdy-ho, Mr. Hankey!
|
| Cartman: |
Okay, that does it! Screw this, I'm goin home! [moving
towards stage left] Talking poo is where I draw the line!
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
What's all the ruckus?
|
| Chef: |
I'm glad you're here, Mr. Hankey. The whole town is
about to kill each other.
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
I reckon this could be a job for Mr. Hankey! [he sees
the crowd fighting and whistles. They stop and turn to see him] STOP
FIGHTING!!
|
| The Mayor: |
Oh my God, what the hell is that thing?
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Come on, gang, don't fight. You
people focus so hard on the things wrong with Christmas that you've
forgotten what's so right about it. Don't you see? This is the one time
of year we're s'posed to forget all the bad stuff, to stop worrying and
being sad about the state of the world, and for just one day say, "Aw,
the heck with it! Let's sing and dance and bake cookies" [the priest
finally gets up from the floor]
|
|
[A single person begins to clap, and the
crowd turns to see that the person clapping is Mr. Broflovski. Then
others start clapping and the town begins to cheer. Mr. Hankey is
overjoyed at the response]
|
| Stan: |
Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
|
|
[South Park Mental House. Kyle
sits on the floor of a padded room]
|
| Kyle: |
I'm a Jew
A lonely Jew…
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Howdy-ho, Kyle!!!
|
| Kyle: |
[thinking it's a hallucination] Oh no, I'm not sane
yet!
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
I brought some friends with me.
|
| Kyle: |
Friends? [gets up and looks lout a small window. He
sees all the townsfolk and smiles, relieved]
|
| Townsfolk: |
Merry Christmas, Kyle Broflovski!!!
|
| Kyle: |
You mean you can see him? Ah-I'm not crazy? [the nurse
releases him and he rushes out the door. Mr. Hankey follows]
|
| Townsfolk: |
Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo [kisses Kyle]
he loves me and I love you
Therefore, vicariously he loves you [begins tossing presents to
everyone]
Even if you're a Jew
|
| Mr. Pirrip: |
Sometimes he's nutty, sometimes he's corny, he can be
brown or greenish-brown
But if you eat fiber on Christmas Eve, he might come to your town
|
| Townsfolk: |
Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
He loves me. I love you
Heeeeeeee Looooooves Yoooooouu! |
| Mr. Hankey: |
[during the second chorus] Well, I've got a loong night
ahead of me. Bye-bye and Merry Christmas [floats up to meet Santa as he
passes by]
|
| Cartman: |
Good-bye Mr. Hankey! Bring me lots of presents! I
always believed in you!
|
| Santa: |
Howdy-ho ho ho!
|
| Stan: |
You know, I learned something today. I learned that
Jewish people are okay. And that…Channukah can be cool, too.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah…[concerned] You know, it seems like
something's still not right. [camera pans to Kenny]
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah, something feels…unfinished [drum roll]
|
| Stan: |
Wh-what could it be? [the drum roll heads for a climax]
|
|
THE END
|
| Kenny: |
(Yee he hee!) [end credits roll]
|
|
[South Park Public Access. A
light is on]
|
| Jesus: |
[on the Jesus and Pals set alone]
Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me…
[blows out the candle on his cake and ends up in the dark. He blinks.
Credits resume rolling]
|
|
[End of A South Park Christmas] |
