|
[South Park Elementary, the
classroom] |
| Wendy: |
Stan, you know it's almost Valentine's Day.
|
| Stan: |
I know.
|
| Wendy: |
Maybe we should go on a cruise or something. [some
sentimental music plays]
|
| Stan: |
I can't afford a cruise, dude.
|
| Wendy: |
I know, but…we can make a little boat out of
cardboard and pretend it's a cruise. [Cartman roars with laughter]
|
| Stan: |
Shut up, Cartman!
|
| Cartman: |
[still laughing] That is so-ho lame! [settles down and
wipes away some tears of joy] Oh man, I…
|
| Wendy: |
- and then we can dress up in little costumes and
pretend we're getting married.
|
| Cartman: |
[roaring with laughter once again and falls off his
chair] Stop, seriuosly; you're killing me all the time.
|
| Principal Victoria: |
[rushing in] Children, I have some difficult news for
you. Mr. Garrison won't be teaching for a while. He has to have
surgery. [The class erupts in cheers] So you're going to have a
substitute teacher. [the class sighs] And I want you to show the
substitute the same respect you show for Mr. Garrison. [Kyle raises his
hand] Yes, little boy?
|
| Kyle: |
We don't have respect for Mr. Garrison.
|
| Principal Victoria: |
…Oh. Anywho, I want you all to meet your new
substitute, Ms. Ellen. [she enters and stands before the class]
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
[brightly] Hello, children. [The boys perk up]
|
| Stan, Kyle: |
Whoa!
|
| Cartman: |
[slowly] Wow, she's pretty.
|
| Kenny: |
(Damn, I'd like to get a taste of her!)
|
| Stan: |
You can say that again.
|
| Kenny: |
(Damn, I'd like to get a taste of her!)
|
| Principal Victoria:: |
Good luck, Ms. Ellen. If they get out of control, just
use this tear gas, okay. [places it next to the apple]
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Thank you! I'm sure I'll be fine. [the boys get dreamy
and smile big, even Kenny] Now, children, I know that you must be very
upset about your teacher having surgery, [the boys are in love] but I
promise I'll try to make things as easy as possible for all of us.
[Wendy starts to notice]
|
| Wendy: |
[gasps] Stan? Stan?!
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Now, let me try and learn your names by your seating
assignments. You arrre Eric…Cartman?
|
| Cartman: |
[brightly] Yes, ma'am.
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Okay aaand you must be Stan Marsh.
|
| Stan: |
Yeu-bluuuch. [Wendy is taken aback. Stan has barfed
only for her before]
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
[a moment later] Do you need to go to the nurse's
office, Stanley?
|
| Cartman: |
Noh, he always pukes when he's in love.
|
| Stan: |
I'll kick your ass, Cartman! [Wendy is sad]
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
So you're alright?
|
| Stan: |
Bluuuch [Wendy looks forward, wondering
why…]
|
| Kyle: |
Dude, you had waffles for breakfast, huh?!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Oh, I have to admit I'm
still embarrassed about getting a nose job, Tom. I didn't want people
at school to know, so I told them I had herpes.
|
| Tom: |
You shouldn't be embarrassed, Mr.
Garrison. People have cosmetic surgery all the time. Before we start,
this computer can help you pick what kind of nose you want. [Tom
touches the screen, and Mr. Garrison's face pops up, then a side view
emerges]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Wow! Isn't that amazing Mr. Hat?
|
| Mr. Hat: |
It sure is, Mr. Garrison!
|
| Tom: |
Now, we could go with something a liitle smaller, which
would make you look like this [the nose on his image is shrunk]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Hmmm.
|
| Tom: |
Or we could straighten out the bridge, which would make
you look like this [the nose is straightened].
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Oh, that's not bad.
|
| Tom: |
Of course, we could narrow the bridge, which would make
you look more like this [the nose is narrowed, at which point an image
of David Hasselhoff appears. A flourish is added for effect].
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
WOW! That's it! That's the nose I want!
|
| Tom: |
Alright-y then. [resets the program. The computer turns
itself off]
Now I must warn you, Mr. Garrison, that there are risks. You could wind
up a hideous, foul shadow of a creature, so terrifyingly ugly that
you're forced to live in the sewers, only emerging at nighttime for
scraps of food.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
I can live with that.
|
| Tom: |
[excitedly] Alrighty then, let's get started! [they go
off to the operating room]
|
|
[The school playground. The
kids are at play. The boys stand before the jungle gym]
|
| Cartman: |
She wasn't looking at you, buttlord, she was looking at
me!
|
| Kyle: |
Well that goes without saying, fatass, how could she
help but look at you!
|
| Stan: |
You guy can stop fighting. It was me she was checking
out!
|
| Cartman: |
Until you puked on her.
|
| Chef: |
[approaching] Hello there, children! What's all this
I'm hearing about a new teacher?
|
| Kyle: |
Ms. Ellen, dude! She's beautiful! [Wendy looks at him
from the swings, then looks down]
|
| Chef: |
Is she like uh - Vanessa Williams
beautiful or-uh Toni Braxton beautiful? Or Pamela Anderson beautiful?
…Or - is she Erin Grey in the second season of Buck Rogers
beautiful?
|
| Stan: |
Yeah, that one!
|
| Chef: |
Wooof! I've got to meet this woman.
|
| Wendy: |
[approaching] Stan, didn't you notice how her left arm
is longer than the right one?
|
| Stan: |
No.
|
| Wendy: |
Well it is!
|
| Chef: |
That's okay. You know what they say about women with
one arm longer than the other…
|
| Kenny: |
(Yeah, they totally kick ass at spanking!)
|
| Chef: |
Thaat's right!
|
| Wendy: |
Well, did you notice that mole on the back of her neck
with the hair growing out of it?
|
| Chef: |
That's okay. you know what they say about women with
the mole on the back of their necks with hair growing out of
it… [Kenny looks up at Chef and simply shrugs]
|
| Wendy: |
[panicking a little] Stan? We're still Valentines,
right?
|
| Stan: |
Sure, Wendy, whatever.
|
| Kyle: |
Hey! We should buy Ms. Ellen Valentine's Day presents.
[turns right and starts walking away]
|
| Stan: |
Yeah! We'll go to the mall tonight! [follows him out]
|
| Cartman: |
I'm gonna buy a vacuum cleaner-chicks like vacuum
cleaners [his voice trails off as he follows his friends away. Chef
leaves as well.]
|
|
[Wendy takes a step to go with them, but
stops and ponders her relationship with Stan. A tear wells up in her
eye, then falls as she sniffs.]
|
| Female singer: |
I remember when we fell in love
The moments that we shared were timeless.
Saw it in the wind, knew it in a glance,
the songs we sang were simple reminders.
|
| Moments from Wendy's time with
Stan, Part I (he throws up every time)
|
Stark's Pond: she comes up behind him and
says, "Hi, Stan"
Stark's Pond: she asks him to come with her (to get
Cartman)
Cafeteria: she hands him a note (an invitation to
Stark's Pond)
Cemetery: amid a field of dead zombies, she puckers up
Classroom: she hands him a daisy (he throws up with
every step she takes)
|
| Female singer: |
I can't stop now [Wendy is sobbing sonewhat]
My heart's awake
I feel your arms
My arms to take
I must have changed…
|
| Moments from Wendy's time with
Stan, Part II (he throws up every time)
|
A vivid sunset: she snuggles up to him on the
limb of a tree
Football practice: she cheers him on, he throws up, she
looks away for an instant, and Cartman tackles him. Where's his helmet?
Cafeteria: he throws up as she approaches; she slips in
it and falls flat on her back
Playground: Stan and Kyle are working those hobby
elephants
furiously when Wendy and BeBe approach (he threw up on her three times)
Woods: Stan and Wendy pucker up to kiss (after they got
Ike back)
|
| Female singer: |
…Even when love is the same. [Wendy sheds
another tear, then turns left and walks away]
|
|
[Classroom. Ms. Ellen
is writing away on the blackboard. The boys are smiling broadly. The
camera zooms in on the reason why. Ms. Ellen stops writing, but the
boys are still smiling.]
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Oohhh, goodness. Would anybody mind cleaning my erasers
after class?
|
| Cartman: |
[eagerly] Memememememe, me!
|
| BeBe: |
You guys are so immature! Act like eight-year olds!
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Stan, how about you?
|
| Stan: |
Bluuch! I'd love to. [Wendy turns angry]
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Now, children, let's review our multiplication tables.
[Cartman raises his hand] Cartman?
|
| Cartman: |
What's a multiplication table?
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Didn't Mr. Garrison teach multiplication? [the class
stares back. Kevin showly shakes his head] Well, where did he leave
off?
|
| Cartman: |
We were learning about how Yasmine
Bleeth is going out with that…Richard Greco guy that used to
be on 21
Jump Street but then he got his own show for just a little while- [the
door opens and Chef appears. The class looks at him]
|
| Chef: |
Oh, hello.
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Can I help you?
|
| Chef: |
[eyebrows aflutter] I'm Chef.
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Aand?
|
| Chef: |
I just uuuh - I stopped by 'cause little Kyle forgot
his laundry detergent on the playground.
|
| Kyle: |
My laundry detergent?
|
| Stan: |
That's not Kyle's…
|
| Chef: |
Sshh. Crazy cracker's always leavin' that detergent all
over the place. [drops off a box of "Whitey's Washing Detergent" on
Kyle's desk, then walks over to Ms. Ellen] What was your name again?
|
| Cartman: |
Uh-oh. Chef's moving in on Ms. Ellen.
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
I'mm the substitute.
|
| Chef: |
Well, I'm sure there's no substitute for you.
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
That's very nice, Mr. Chef, now, if
you're…finished-
|
| Chef falsetto: |
[Music starts and he starts to sway]
Nobody could take your place
No way they could match your face, no
You've got it going on in a way so clear,
I just want to buy you a beer…
Uh maybe tonight, at 7:30 or something I could uh - come
by and uh -
Pick you up in my caa-a-aaaa-aa-aa-aa-aaar No substitute
No substitute for you No substitute
No, baby, there's No substitute
For you girl No substitute for you now
You know that it's true No substitute
There's just, no substitute for
You!
|
| Stan: |
We've got to learn how to do that, dude!
|
| Kyle: |
Yup!
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
That was enthralling, Mr. Chef, but…could I
get back to teaching now?
|
| Chef: |
If we can have dinner tonight.
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Fine, Chef. [he grins] Just let me do my job before I
get fired.
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, weak! Chef's gonna make sweet love to Ms. Ellen!
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Wwhat?!
|
|
[Tom's Rhinoplasty. Mr.
Garrison comes to, but his head is still in bandages]
|
| Tom: |
Mr. Garrison. Mr. Garrison.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Where-eh, where am I?
|
| Tom: |
The operation is over, Mr. Garrison.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Uuf, I feel weak. How do I look?
|
| Tom: |
You look great!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Ah-I feel kinda nauseous.
|
| Tom: |
Yes? Well, that's to be expected. We did some major
reconstruction, sawed through some bone, ssnapped some
cartilage…
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Aauugh-huh.
|
| Tom: |
…all the blood and mucus just the sound of
bone and sinew coming apart. [starts making sound effects of tearing
flesh]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
UUUUUuuuuuugh
|
| Tom: |
By the way, did you ever see that movie Contact? [Mr.
Garrison pops up and turns to the side of the bed]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Bluuuch…Bluuuch…Bluuuch…Oh,
stop, that movie was terrible!
|
| Tom: |
I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why don't you get some rest
[Mr. Garrison lies down]; I'll check on you a little later. [walks out]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Wuch, uch. Boy I had to see the entire movie to see the
alien and it was her goddamned father!
|
|
[Classroom. The school bell
has rung and the kids are leaving]
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Okay, kids, remember your homework. We have a lot of
catching-up to do.
|
| Cartman: |
[enunciating] Good-bye, Ms. Ellen.
|
| Kyle: |
[looks back] Stop kissing ass, Cartman!
|
| Cartman: |
I'm not kissing ass, you stupid slut! [exits]
|
| Wendy: |
Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Of course, Wendy. |
| Wendy: |
[sits next to the teacher's desk] I couldn't help but
notice you taking a liking to my boyfriend, Stan.
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Ohhh. Well, I've taken a liking to all of you. You're
all so young and cute and full of life…
|
| Wendy: |
Can I tell you something, Ms. Ellen?
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Of course, Wendy. [they reach out towards each other]
|
| Wendy: |
[angrily, flips her off] Don't fuck with me!
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
[stunned] Wha?
|
| Wendy: |
You heard me! Stay away from my man, bitch, or I'll
whup your sorry little ass back to last year! [Ms. Ellen is shocked.
Wendy drops from the chair and leaves] Bye, Ms. Ellen.
|
|
[Day two, the classroom]
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Well, I certainly want to thank all you lovely children
for the presents you got me [A pile of gifts sits on the teacher's
desk. Smiles flash onto the boys' faces. She opens the first gift]
Ohhh. What a delightful scarf. Thank you, Kyle. [he's dancing
blissfully in his seat]
|
| Stan: |
[feigning a clearing throat] Ploozer gift, ploozer
gift.
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
And here's one from Kenny. [opens it] Oh, thank you
very much, Kenny, this is a very scrumptious-looking sausage. [He
laughs, sure that she got the hint] Oh, and what a nice alarm clock.
Thank you, Stan.
|
| Stan: |
Bluuch. [losing patience, Wendy thumps her desk and
glares at him]
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
And here's another present…from Wendy.
[opens it] Oh. Why, it's a dead animal. [holds it up for all to see]
Thank you, Wendy [now irate that Ms. Ellen didn't fold].
|
| Stan: |
See? She liked my present the best!
|
| Kyle: |
Where's your present, Cartman?
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, well, I got Ms. Ellen a chocolate pie, but uuuuh-I
left it at home [the left corner of his mouth tells a different story]
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Okay, kids. We're gonna take a spelling test now. [all
gasp] But as an extra incentive I'm gonna take whoever gets the highest
score on the quiz out to dinner. [the boys except Cartman perk up]
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, man, I wish I knew how to spell.
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Are there any questions before we begin? [Wendy raises
her hand] Yes, Wendy?
|
| Wendy: |
When someone gets as old as you, [Cartman takes a bite
out of the chocolate pie] do they have to wear Depends undergarments?
[Ms. Ellen looks dismayed. Wendy just looks back]
|
|
[The Cafeteria. The boys are
in line for lunch]
|
| Kyle: |
Dude! I aced that test! I'm gonna win that dinner with
Ms. Ellen!
|
| Stan: |
No you're not! I don't think I missed any!
|
| Wendy: |
[approaches witn BeBe. Both have lunches already] Hi,
Stan.
|
| Stan: |
I bet I scored 100!
|
| Wendy: |
HI, STAN!
|
| Stan: |
Oh, hi, Wendy.
|
| Wendy: |
I was just in the bathroom, and Ms. Ellen was in there
taking the biggest dump I've ever seen.
|
| Kyle: |
No, she wasn't!
|
| Wendy: |
Yes, she was!
|
| Stan: |
That's impossible!
|
| Wendy: |
Well, she did! And she has horrible, horrible gas, too!
She says she can't control it!
|
| Cartman: |
Nuh-uh!
|
| Wendy: |
It smells like a dead calf rotting in the hot sun!
|
| Kyle: |
Oh cool.
|
| Cartman: |
Hey Wendy, seriously, you need to stop with this whole
jealousy thing!
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. You're acting like a freak, Wendy.
|
| Wendy: |
NO I'M NOT ACTING LIKE A FREEEAK!!!
[realizes she has made a spectacle of herself as her voice echoes all
over the room. Everyone in the cafetera looks at her. She moves away,
humbled. BeBe follows]
|
| Cartman: |
Damn, man, someone's got to pull that monkey out of
Wendy's ass. [they go in to get their lunches]
|
| Chef: |
[somberly] Hello there, children.
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, hi, Chef.
|
| Kyle: |
How did your date with Ms. Ellen go?
|
| Chef: |
Not too good.
|
| Stan: |
What happened? Didn't you make sweet love to her?
|
| Chef: |
No, nono, she's not like that. You see… uh,
how do I put this? Children,… Ms. Ellen doesn't exactly play
for the right team. [they wait…] Ih-ih-ih-in in other words,
children, she's not a member of the…heterosexual persuasion.
[they just blink at him] Don't you understand? She's a lesbian.
|
| Stan: |
A whatbian?
|
| Kyle: |
A plebeian?
|
| Chef: |
You boys don't know what a lesbian is?
|
| Stan: |
Kenny? [he throws his palms up. He doesn't know,
either]
No, explain it to us, Chef.
|
| Chef: |
Hud-that-that's okay. Uhd-uh, look. All
you need to know is, Ms. Ellen's a lesbian, and that means she only
likes other lesbians.
|
| Stan: |
Oh.
|
| Chef: |
Now move along, children, you're holding up the line!
[they head back into the cafeteria]
|
| Kyle: |
Weak, dude. She only likes other lesbians?
|
| Stan: |
Hey, man. If she only likes other lesbians, then all we
gotta do is become lesbians, too!
|
| Kyle: |
Hey, yeah!
|
| Cartman: |
You guys. Ya know what? My grandma was Dutch Irish, and
my grandpa was lesbian - that makes me quarter-lesbian.
|
| Stan: |
You're just saying that, Cartman.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah, you're not a lesbian, fatass.
|
| Cartman: |
I am, too!
|
|
[Tom's Rhinoplasty]
|
| Tom: |
Okay, only a few more bandages to go.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Well?
|
| Tom: |
Take a look for yourself. [Mr. Garrison takes the
mirror and sees a reflection of himself - as David Hasselhoff. He will
look this way from now on]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Wwooww, that's a pretty good nose job. What do you
think, Mr. Hat?
|
| Mr. Hat: |
I think it looks great.
|
| Tom: |
Yes. I think once the swelling goes down you'll really
notice the difference.
|
|
[Cartman's house, after
school. He's on the living room floor licking the carpet. His friends
enter]
|
| Stan: |
What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
|
| Cartman: |
My mom said if you want to become a lesbian you have to
lick carpet.
|
| Kyle: |
Really?
|
| Stan: |
Well I got a…Indi-glo…Girls CD.
The guy at the record store said it was perfect. [he pops the CD into
the stereo]
|
| Kyle: |
And I got these killer Birken-stocks.
|
|
[Stan and Kyle promptly join Cartman on
the floor. Kenny studies them for a moment, drops down and thinks a
bit, then starts licking]
|
| Indiglo Girls singer: |
I woke up very early one Sunday morn…
|
| Cartman: |
This is a bunch of crap! I've been licking this carpet
for three hours and I still don't feel like a lesbian!
|
|
[Sidewalk. The camera
focuses on a pair of feet as they begin to move. The camera pans up to
reveal Mr. Garrison walking down the street to the beat of Andy Gibb's
Shadow Dancing. He stops by a woman in a yellow blouse and red skirt]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Hi, Mrs. Campbell.
|
| Mrs. Campbell: |
[breathlessly] Oh, How-dy Mr. Garrison. Se-hey, honey,
you look kinda differe-hent-huh.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Really?
|
| Mrs. Campbell: |
Did you get a haircut?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
No, but thanks for asking. [he moves down the street]
|
| Mrs. Campbell: |
[waving at him] Call me! I'm in the book!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Wow, Mr. Hat. Having a nose job is even better than I
thought. There's a whole world of opportunity opening up in front of
us.
|
|
[Wendy's house. BeBe is at the
door]
|
| Wendy: |
Thanks for coming over, BeBe.
|
| BeBe: |
[follows Wendy to the sofa] That's okay, Wendy. I
brought my makeup kit like you asked me. What are we doing, anyway?
|
| Wendy: |
That mean old substitute isn't going to stop until she
takes everything from me, BeBe.
|
| BeBe: |
Really?
|
| Wendy: |
Yeah. What I'd really like to do is
load her into a rocket and have her shoot into the center of the sun.
But instead, I'll just get Stan to notice me again. BeBe, I need a
makeover.
|
| BeBe: |
Oh, cool.
|
|
[Day three, the classroom]
|
| Stan: |
I can't wait for Ms. Ellen to see what a raging lesbian
I am.
|
| Cartman: |
I'm a bigger lesbian than you!
|
| Stan: |
No, you're a fatter lesbian than me.
|
| Kyle: |
Screw you guys, I'm king lesbian!
|
| Clyde: |
Whoa. [all eyes look right] Is that Wendy Testaburger?
[heads turn. Cartman smiles]
|
|
[Wendy had a makeover all right. She
comes in dressed in a two-piece leather suit, blush,
eyeshadow… A
(candy?) cigarette hangs from her lips and her hair is feathered out.
She walks in with an air of sophistication and then takes out the
cigarette. A smoky tune plays as she enters. The guys in class are
rathered pleased at this makeover]
|
| Wendy: |
What's up, guys?
|
| Cartman: |
Wow. Wendy looks just like that chick from Grease,
Elton John. [Stan smiles and his eyes follow her to her desk]
|
| Stan: |
Wow. Hi, Wendy.
|
| Wendy: |
Oh. Hi, Stan. [turns to BeBe and whispers] I think it
worked, BeBe.
|
| BeBe: |
[pleased] Yeah.
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Good morning, children. [she, too, comes in wearing a
two-piece leather suit]
|
| Stan: |
Wow! [Wendy and BeBe are devastated]
|
| Cartman: |
Dang! That's nice!
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah!
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Oh, Wendy! You wore black leather, too! [Wendy is
mortified] We're like sisters!
|
| Wendy: |
DIE!! [Stan rests his head on his hands and melts into
a wavy smile while Cartman is overjoyed]
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
All right, kids, I've finished grading your papers and
the person with the highest score is-
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Hello there, children! [Shadow Dancing starts up again
and he dances. The class just looks at him.]
|
| Stan: |
Oh, no, Mr. Garrison's back.
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, weak, dude!
|
| Wendy: |
Hooray! Hooray! Hooray for Mr.
Garrison! [triumphal music plays as she leaps out of her desk and
somersaults her way to the teacher's desk. She lands next to Ms. Ellen]
[doing a little cheer] He's back! He's back! Mr. Garrison is back! So
loong, substitute. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out, now.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Children, I have a very important announcement to make.
[the class listens] I'm quitting my job as a teacher. [all gasp and the
music dies]
|
| Wendy: |
Wwhat?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
It's strange, but suddenly I
feel really confident about myself, and I've decided to quit teaching,
and do what I've always dreamed of doing: hang out and screw hot
chicks.
|
| Wendy: |
You…you can't.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
But the good news is, [Principal Victoria appears at
the door] I've already talked to Principal Victoria about it and Ms.
Ellen can stay on as your permanent teacher. [Stan smiles]
|
| Class: |
Hooray! [Wendy is deflated again]
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Really?
|
| Principal Victoria: |
That's right. Will you stay?
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Wel…sure!
|
| Wendy: |
[barely containing herself] Noooo! Noooo!
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Oh. By the way, kids, the person who scored highest on
the quiz and gets to have dinner on me…is…Stan.
|
| Stan: |
Bluuch. Kick ass!
|
| Wendy: |
Nooo!! Nooo!!
|
| Principal Victoria: |
Oh, and Wendy, I almost forgot, we just got a call in
the office: your grandma just died.
|
| Wendy: |
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
|
| Principal Victoria: |
Oo my, what an exciting day!
|
|
[Mr. Garrison is in a photo
shoot, posing away as Shadow Dancing plays]
|
| Photographer: |
Great, baby, you're looking great!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
I'm a lady killer, Mr. Hat.
|
| Mr. Hat: |
You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
|
| Photographer: |
Okay, just a few hundred more shots and we'll be done!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
A few hudnred?
|
| Photographer: |
Hey, that's the life of a model, baby.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Hoh, boy, I'm gonna need some more smack.
|
| Photographer: |
You've got it! [the shoot continues]
|
|
[Dinner at King Jimmy's
Buffet. Stan and Ms. Ellen are at a booth. Dinner music is playing
while thunder rolls by]
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
I'm - very - glad we can have dinner together, Stanley.
I want you to know that I really care about your education.
|
| Stan: |
Are we making love now?
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Excuse me?
|
| Stan: |
They don't have a fireplace here; we shouldn't be
making love yet.
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
What are you talking about?
|
| Stan: |
You have to make love down by the fire, that's what
Chef always says.
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Stan, I'm your teacher, okay? We're only friends.
|
| Stan: |
But why?
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Well first of all, you're eight.
|
| Stan: |
It's because I'm not a lesbian, isn't it?
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Oh boy.
|
|
[Wendy stands outside
the restaurant looking at the pair through a window clear across the
room. The music takes on a somber tone]
|
| Wendy: |
It's over. I give up. [she turns and walks away]
|
|
[Day four, the center of town.
Mr. Garrsion reclines on a mailbox]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Boy I'll tell you something Mr. Hat. Being hot and sexy
is fun for a while, but it sure does get boring.
|
| Mr. Hat: |
You can say that again, Mr. Garrison. [a crowd of women
is heard coming Garrison's way] |
| Mr. Garrison: |
What the…? [the women appear and mob Mr.
Garrison] Whoa-hey-way-wait-aaah. [they rip open his shirt] Aaaah. Mr.
Hat! Save yourself! [Mr. Hat flies out of the fray]
|
|
[The classroom. Students are
filing in and going to their seats]
|
| Kyle: |
So how'd your date with Ms. Ellen go?
|
| Cartman: |
Did you make love?
|
| Stan: |
I think so.
|
| Cartman: |
No way!
|
| Stan: |
Yup.
|
| Kyle: |
Down by the fire?
|
| Stan: |
Yup.
|
| Kenny: |
(And did you stick it in right when the fireplace gave
you the shadow light?) |
| Stan: |
Did I what?
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
[entering] Good morning, children. |
| Wendy: |
[approaching subdued] Ms. Ellen. Can I talk to you?
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Sure, but…can't it wait until after class,
Wendy?
|
| Wendy: |
No. I just have to apologize for the way I've been
acting.
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Oh, that's okay, Wendy. |
| Wendy: |
No, it's not. Since you're here to stay, I just hope we
can be friends.
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Well, I would love that, Wendy.
|
| Wendy: |
And - ahem - I want to apologize to everybody. The way
I acted was wrong, [Stan frowns. Sad music plays] and I've learned from
it. [Her eyes begin to well up with tears] I just wish…Stan,
and Ms. Ellen, would have all the happiness in the world.
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Wendy, there's nothing between me and Stan!
|
| Cartman: |
That's not what we just heard!
|
|
[the sidewalk. Mr. Garrison is
next to a trash can. His shirt and pants are torn to bits. The top of
Mr. Hat's hat is missing]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Hoh Mr. Hat, I hate this! I wish I'd never had a nose
job. [The women find him and rush towards him]
|
| Woman: |
Oh my God, did he…?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Damn this beautiful face of mine! Damn it to hell!! [he
pants] We have to get the surgery again, Mr. Hat. I want to be the old
me again! [He
enters Ton's Rhinoplasty again, the women rush by, and he peeks out
from behind the window. So much for looking like David
Hasselhoff…]
|
|
[the classroom]
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Okay, children, let's catch up on our cursive
handwriting.
|
|
[A commotion is heard in the hall, then
Arab soldiers burst through the door and pour into the classroom with
their swords drawn]
|
| Leader: |
Down! Down! Everybody down!
|
| Cartman: |
What the hell…? [everybody drops down below
their desks]
|
| Leader: |
So! We meet again, Ms. Ellen!
|
| Principal Victoria: |
And just what is going on here, mister?
|
| Leader: |
I am Hakim Qorashqi, of the mighty nation of Iraq! This
woman is a traitor to our government!
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
It's a lie!
|
| Qorashqi: |
She has killed thousands, and will kill again, I assure
you!
|
| Principal Victoria: |
Ms. Ellen, is this true?
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Nooo!
|
| Qorashqi: |
We must take her back to Iraq immediately!
|
| Wendy: |
Oh, coool!
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Principal Victoria, please.
|
| Qorashqi: |
Here is a black-and-white photo of Ms. Ellen with our
leader. [shows photo] Her real name is Maqesh Alaq Makaraqesh.
|
| Principal Victoria: |
Well, Ms. Makaraqesh, you certainly tried to put one
over on us, boy howdy. Take her away!
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
NOOOO!! [grabs the scimitar away from a soldier] GET
AWAY FROM ME!! UUGH!!
|
|
[The scimitar leaves her hand and heads
for Kenny. It pierces him right above the nose, picks him up, and pins
him to the back wall]
|
| Stan: |
Oh my God, she killed Kenny! |
| Kyle: |
You bastard!
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
[being dragged out the door by the soldiers] NOOOOOOO!!
|
| Wendy: |
Wow. [the kids take their seats] What incredible irony.
|
|
[School entrance.
helicopters are hovering around, an ambulance and Officer Barbrady hold
the crowd back. Stan is standing next to Wendy]
|
| Stan: |
Wow. I can't believe Ms. Ellen was a criminal Iraqi
fugitive.
|
| Wendy: |
Yeah, you just never know.
|
| Stan: |
Well, I guess I'm sorry that I was ignoring you and
stuff.
|
| Wendy: |
Happy Valentine's Day, Staan. [she turns to kiss him.
He turns to kiss her. Wendy's theme plays. They get closer,
then…]
|
| Stan: |
Bluuuuch! [right in her mouth]
|
| Wendy: |
Eeewwww! [quickly wipes the vomit from her mouth]
|
| Stan: |
[looks away, embarrassed] Sorry.
|
| Wendy: |
No, it's okay, Stan! [he looks at her] Everything's
going to be o-kay!
|
| Kyle: |
Cartman, are you still trying to become a lesbian?!
|
| Cartman: |
[takes a big bite out of a cardboard box] Yeah, dude!
My mom says all I have to do is chow on this box.
|
|
[Iraqi desert. Military
maneuvers are taking place. The camra stops at a rocket waiting to be
launched]
|
| Qorashqi: |
For crimes against this country, you are hereby
sentenced to be shot into the center of the sun!
|
| Ms. Ellen: |
Egh. [she is moved to the rocket] This is all a
mistake! [she is thrown in] This can't be happening! [she pops up, the
rocket door is shut, and the rocket is fired up] Pleease! For the love
of God!
|
| Qorashqi: |
Shove off!! [the rocket takes off and heads for the
sun]
|
|
[Wendy's house, pool party]
|
| Mrs. Campbell: |
Wo-hoo-hoo! Great party, Wendy!
|
| Wendy: |
Thanks, Mrs. Campbell. Thanks for helping me get Mr.
Garrison to come back as a teacher.
|
| Mrs. Campbell: |
Anything for you, sugar-pie!
|
| Wendy: |
[seeing Kyle come up] Oh, hi, Kyle! |
| Kyle: |
I've been thinking, Wendy. This whole outcome is pretty
strange.
|
| Wendy: |
U-huh. Excuse me. [some Iraqi soldiers approach to talk
to Wendy, and so] Ka fahra qehlaq hemblaq!
|
| Iraqi: |
Ka fahra qetlaq humblaq! [Greetings…]
|
| Wendy: |
Laq hemblaq henlaq henlalah qemblaq!
|
| Iraqi: |
Kuhla shaluah lakhenblaturtulah!
|
| Wendy: |
Kaqemblaq! [throws them a wad of bills]
|
| Iraqi: |
Ah, laqeh blakatah! [they walk away miffed]
|
| Kyle: |
How is it that Ms. Ellen was suddenly arrested for
being an Iraq-
|
| Wendy: |
Wait, wait! [throws off her sunglasses and reaches
down]
It's time to whip out the eclipse shoebox thing! [puts
it up to her left eye, then smiles. She is looking at the rocket fired
off by the Iraqis some time earlier as it nears the sun. She sees the
impact] Bye-bye, Ms. Ellen.
|
| Kyle: |
Wendy! You didn't!
|
| Wendy: |
I toold her. Don't… fuck…
with… Wendy… Testaburger! [Kyle is shocked.]
|
|
[End of Tom's Rhinoplasty] |
