|
[The bus stop. Kenny, Kyle,
and Stan are waiting for the bus] |
| Stan: |
Dude! The bus will be here any minute, and Cartman
didn't show up for school.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. This is like the third day in a row. I wonder
what's wrong
|
| Kenny: |
(Perhaps, he's just too big to get out of bed) [the
three laugh]
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah.
|
| Stan: |
Maybe we should ditch school and go check on him. [the
bus pulls up]
|
| Ms. Crabtree: |
Come on, we're running late!
|
| Stan: |
We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch!
|
| Ms. Crabtree: |
What did you say?!
|
| Stan: |
I said: We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch.
|
| Ms. Crabtree: |
Oh. Alright, then. [closes the door and drives away]
|
| Kyle: |
Whoa, dude.
|
| Stan: |
I always wondered if that would work.
|
|
[The boys approach Cartman's
house. Kyle rings the bell.]
|
| Liane Cartman: |
Hello, boys.
|
| Kyle: |
Hi. We were wondering why fatass [mitt to mouth] I
mean-Cartman, hasn't been showing up for school.
|
| Liane Cartman: |
Ooooh, he's just been feeling under the weather. Maybe
you boys can cheer him up. He's in the backyard.
|
| Stan: |
In the backyard?
|
|
[In the backyard. A
classical piece plays as the camera looks at the picnic table left over
from Cartman's birthday. Cartman is at table surrounded by four dolls:
he is hosting a tea party. Think Mr. Hat, then the Mad
Hatter…]
|
| Cartman: |
Would you like some more tea, Polly Prissy Pants?
|
| Polly: |
Yes, Eric, I would like some tea. Thank you.
|
| Cartman: |
You're very welcome, Polly Prissy Pants. [The boys pop
up over some bushes and look at Cartman from a distance] Would you like
some tea, Clyde Frog?
|
| Clyde: |
Yes, please, Eric. Why are you so cool? |
| Cartman: |
Oh. I don't know, Clyde Frog. I just am.
|
| Polly: |
You are so strong and smart, Eric. Everybody likes you.
|
| Cartman: |
Why, thank you, Polly Prissy Pants. How nice of you.
[sips]
|
| Stan: |
[behind the bushes with the others] Dude, this is
pretty fucked up right here.
|
| Kenny: |
(I think if we run, try to get Eric to drop his tea)
|
| Kyle: |
Come on! Let's go make fun of him!
|
| Stan: |
No, dude. This look really serious. I think we'd better
get help.
|
| Kyle: |
Really?
|
| Peter: |
[back at table] We like ya, Eric. You are the coolest
guy in the world. This is tremendous tea.
|
| Cartman: |
Why, thank you, Peter Panda. This is Distinctive Earl
Grey.
|
| Polly: |
Eric is the best!
|
| Clyde: |
Hooray for Eric!
|
| Peter: |
Eric kicks ass!
|
|
[At school, the Counselor's
office. The boy who saw the counselor in December is back, but then, so
is Kyle]
|
| Kyle: |
Mr. Mackey, something's really wrong with Cartman.
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Oh, well, there's a news flash!
|
| Stan: |
Nono. We saw him having a tea party with his stuffed
animals.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. He was doing their voices and pouring tea for
them.
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Oooh okay-Eric is obviously suffering from some kind of
emotional distress, mkay?
|
| Kyle: |
Woo-whataya mean?
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Have you boys noticed anything recently that troubled
Eric?
|
| Stan: |
No.
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Well-obviously something is bothering him. [looks left]
Oh, of course! [walks over to a shelf]
My video camera! Boys, if you could videotape Eric's behavior, then I
can study him psychologically and find out what's wrong, mkay? |
| Stan: |
Is that legal?
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Oh, hell yes!
|
|
[Back at Cartman's Tea Party]
|
| Cartman: |
My goodness, that's a lovely dress you are wearing,
Polly Prissy Pants.
|
| Polly: |
Oh, thank you, Eric. You are a perfect gentleman, and
you are smart and true.
|
| Peter: |
Yes, Eric, you are strong and smart and true. Everybody
likes you very much.
|
| Cartman: |
That's niiice, Peter Panda.
|
|
[Stan and Kyle are back at the bushes with Mr. Mackey's
camera]
|
| Stan: |
Dude, this is going to be the funniest tape ever made.
|
| Kyle: |
How much do you think Mr. Mackey needs?
|
| Stan: |
I donnow, just keep rolling.
|
| Cartman: |
More tea, Rumpertumskin?
|
| Rumpertumskin: |
Yes, please, Eric. You are tough and handsome.
|
| Cartman: |
Thank you, Rumpertumskin. And what do you think about
me, Clyde Frog?
|
| Rumpertumskin: |
I think you're a big fat piece of crap.
|
| Cartman: |
[not knowing how to take that, then] Eeeyy!
|
|
[Cartman's house, later that
night. Cartman and his mom are dining when Kitty comes by.]
|
| Kitty: |
Meow.
|
| Cartman: |
No, Kitty, this is my corned beef cabbage!
|
| Kitty: |
Meow.
|
| Cartman: |
No, Kitty, that's a bad kitty!
|
| Kitty: |
Hhhhhcck!
|
| Mrs. Cartman: |
How is your beefy roast, snookums?
|
| Cartman: |
Mom? Can I ask you a question?
|
| Mrs. Cartman: |
Sure, hon.
|
| Cartman: |
You know how my friend Stan, has… a dad?
|
| Mrs. Cartman: |
Uh huuuh.
|
| Cartman: |
And my friend Kyle has - a dad, and my friend Kenny has
a dad?
|
| Mrs. Cartman: |
Yyeess?? [they look at each other for a long time]
Well, what's your question, hon?
|
| Cartman: |
God-dammit!! Do I have a dad?!
|
| Mrs. Cartman: |
Oooooohh.
|
| Cartman: |
I want to know where I came from.
|
| Mrs. Cartman: |
Ooohh, hhmmm [finger to lips]. Wwell - yyou see, Eric,
sometimes when a man and a woman are… attracted to each
other [Kitty is still looking at Cartman], they want to be…
close to each other.
|
| Cartman: |
Uh huuh.
|
| Mrs. Cartman: |
And sometimes the man puts his who-who-dilly in the
woman's cha-cha. [Cartman and his mom look at each other, Kitty looks
at them both.]
|
| Cartman: |
So who put his who-who-dilly in your cha-cha?
|
| Mrs. Cartman: |
Eric, the day I met your father
it was like - magic! It was a beautiful autumn night when the aspen
trees were turning, at the Twelfth Annual Drunken Barn Dance. [A
flashback sequence begins where a barn appears with a
banner…]
|
|
[Cows are standing around while music and light emanate
from inside the barn]
|
| Mrs. Cartman: |
I was young and naive then… [she is seen
downing a very tall flask of beer]
|
| Man: |
Man, I've never seen a woman drink that much-you're
amazing, Ms. Cartman.
|
| Ms. Cartman: |
Oh, heck. I haven't even started yet. He-he. [the band
ends its tune] I baked cookiees; would anybody like one?! [she stands
next to Barbrady]
|
| Trainee Barbrady: |
I wouldn't mind gettin' ahold of your cookies, Ms.
Cartman!
|
| Ms. Cartman: |
[breathlessly] Well, go right ahead, Officer Barbrady.
|
| Trainee Barbrady: |
[takes a cookie and bites into it] Mm, that's a good
cookie! [the band resumes playing]
|
| Jimbo: |
Come on everybody, let's do the Drunken Barn Dance! [a
duck falls from the ceiling and everybody takes their bottles of beer
and toast the occasion. They drop their empty bottles, and Ned ends up
falling where he stands.]
|
| Mrs. Cartman: |
And then I saw him. He was the most beautiful, charming
piece of ass I'd ever seen in South Park. His name… was
Chief Running Water. [The
crowd separates to reveal a handsome Indian entering the dance. A song
begins: "There you are, like a throbbing star. I want you to make love
to me." Ms. Cartman and the Chief focus in on each other, then walk to
each other, then bump into each other. Ms. Cartman falls, then gets up,
vomits, and starts dancing with the Chief.] I don't recall exactly
how the rest of the night went, but the next morning I was pregnant
with you, my little blueberry muffin.
|
| Cartman: |
So where is Chief Running Water-I mean, Dad, now?
|
| Mrs. Cartman: |
Oh I never saw him after that. Ah-I wasn't really that
interested in him.
|
| Cartman: |
[weighs the story, then] That isn't a very romantic
story, Mom.
|
| Mrs. Cartman: |
I heard he still lives on the Ute reservation just
outside of town.
|
| Cartman: |
Well. To think all this time I'm actually a Naive
American.
|
| Kitty: |
Meow.
|
| Cartman: |
No, Kitty, that's a bad kitty!!
|
|
[Stan's house. Grampa, Stan,
Kyle, and Kenny are watching TV.]
|
| Annoncer: |
Coming this Sunday, [music begins to play] a major
television event that will blow you away. Terrance. Phillip. [the title
screen appears] In the harrowing made-for-TV drama, Not Without My
Anus, based on a true story.
|
| Terrance: |
Hey, Phillip. I have to go to Iraq and find my
kidnapped daughter.
|
| Phillip: |
Then I'm going to go with you, Terrance. [farts. They
both laugh]
|
| Annoncer: |
[music starts up again] See Canada's hottest stars on
the HBC movie of the week.
|
| Stan: |
Wow, check it out, dude. We have to remember to tape
Not Without My Anus next week!
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah, dude. It looks riveting. [Grampa starts flipping
channels]
|
| Stan: |
Come on Grampa. We wanna watch Terrance and Phillip.
|
| Grampa: |
No, Billy. We're gonna watch the Bob Saget show.
|
| Stan: |
Aaawww.
|
| Kyle: |
[at the same time] Hunh?
|
| Annoncer: |
And now, back to America's Stupidest Home Videos. Here
is you host, Bob Saget!
|
| Bob Saget: |
Hey, I just flew into the studio. [flaps his right arm
like he actually flew in] Boy are my arms tired. Heheh. Heh. [Grampa
laughs, but no one in the studio audience is] Wha, Why didn't the
skeleton cross the road? 'Cause he didn't have the guts. [only he and
Grampa laugh] Knock knock. [the audience stays silent] Bob [---] Bob
Saget [chuckles
to himself. As if on cue, the audience breaks into laughter and some
members fall over. Grampa falls over, too, and laughs his ass off for a
minute or so]
|
| Stan: |
This guy sucks! [the bell rings and he goes to answer
it]
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. He's almost as bad as that guy on Full House.
|
| Stan: |
[opens the door] Cartman? What the hell are you doing
dresed up like an Indian with a bear necklace?
|
| Cartman: |
[Indian music plays] Naive American, Stan, and the bear
is very important to my people. [He's
dressed in Indian clothes (including tassles), with a headband holding
three feathers, and an eagle necklace, not a bear one.]
|
| Stan: |
What?? [Kyle and Kenny reach the door, look at Cartman,
and crack up]
|
| Cartman: |
Hey! The white man has marred my people long enough!
You keep your God-damned mouth shut! [the boys are quiet] Stan, I need
your bike in order to ride over to the reservation.
|
| Stan: |
What are you talking about, Cartman?!
|
| Cartman: |
My name isn't Eric Cartman, it's
Eric Running Water. Now, can I borrow your bike, or do I have to kick
you in the nuts and steal it?
|
| Stan: |
Go ahead, dude. [Cartman turns left and leaves to get
the bike. The other three return to the sofa to watch TV]
|
| Kyle: |
Man. Cartman's more screwed up than I thought.
|
| Stan: |
Yeah. We'd better get this videotape over to Mr.
Mackey, quick!
|
| Bob Saget: |
Just a free li'l reminder to all
of you out there: send us your stupidest home videos. Grand prize for
this month will be $10,000. [chuckles]
|
| Grampa: |
Ten thousand dollars? Holy smokes.
|
| Kyle: |
Wow, I wish we had a stupidest home video. [They
realize that they do, then look at the videotape, and smile]
|
| Chief Running Water: |
…And Bear cried to Eagle-
|
| Indian 1: |
Running Water, there is some kid here to see you.
|
| Chief Running Water: |
What kid?
|
| Indian 1: |
He claims to be your kid.
|
| Cartman: |
[squeezing into the campfire circle] Hiya, Dad!
|
| Chief Running Water: |
Who the hell are you?
|
| Cartman: |
I'm your son, Eric. My mom says you put your
who-who-dilly in her cha-cha, at the Drunken Barn Dance.
|
| Chief Running Water: |
Your mother??
|
| Cartman: |
Liane Cartman.
|
| Chief Running Water: |
Cartman? Hohoho. Oh boy, I was worried there for a
second. [suddenly serious] Look, kid, I'm not your father.
|
| Cartman: |
But my mom says you're the guy she was with.
|
| Chief Running Water: |
Kid, I hate to break this to you, but your mother is
what we Native Americans refer to as, 'Bear with Wiiide Canyon.' |
| Cartman: |
Whatooya mean?
|
| Chief Running Water: |
She is, 'Doe who cannot keep legs together.'
|
| Cartman: |
Huh??
|
| Chief Running Water: |
Your mom's a slut [a Ute on either side of him nods
agreement]
|
| Cartman: |
Eeyy!!
|
| Chief Running Water: |
Don't feel too bad. Your mom was just too drunk to
remember what happened. Let me tell you. [he flashes back to the 12th
Annual Drunken Barn Dance] We got tired of dancing, so we went off to
find a private spot. ["There you are…"] I knew that she
wanted me, because she kept saying romantic things.
|
| Ms. Cartman: |
Oh, Chief. I want your hot man chowder.
|
| Chief Running Water: |
Whoa, Helloooh!! [They start kissing. A man vomits and
passes out]
|
| Ms. Cartman: |
[interrupting the action] Wait. Wait. [She looks
towards the entrance, and the Chief rolls back] Who is that?
[some funk plays as Chef makes his entrance and waves hello to
everyone. She looks at Chef. "There you are like a throbbing star-" Now
these two focus in on each other] Chief… could you excuse me
for a minute?
|
| Chief Running Water: |
Huh?? [Ms. Cartman gets up and leaves] You gotta be
kidding me.
|
| Ms. Cartman: |
[approaching Chef] Why hello there. I don't think I've
seen you around before. [flirts with him gently]
|
| Chef: |
Nawh. I'm new in town.
|
| Ms. Cartman: |
Wehell, what's a nice, handsome, black [looks at his
crotch. He follows her gaze] man like yourself doing in a pit like
South Park?
|
| Chef: |
I'm gonna open up my own restaurant here.
|
| Ms. Cartman: |
Mmmm-my, how exciting. Would you care to…
put your tongue in my mouth?
|
| Chef: |
Daaamn, baby! You cut right to the chase, don't you?
|
| Ms. Cartman: |
Ahah, I'm plastered! [tongues come out and they start
kissing]
|
| Cartman: |
[alone with the Chief] His tongue? Chef?? Chef is my
dad??
|
| Chief Running Water: |
He's the last person I saw with your mom that night.
|
| Cartman: |
Oh my God! I'm a black African American!
|
|
[Back in town, the following
day. Kenny is trying to start a go-cart]
|
| Stan: |
Come on, Kenny, get the go-cart going. I wanna ride it.
|
| Kyle: |
Did you send the videotape to America's Stupidest Home
Videos?
|
| Stan: |
Yeah. I mailed it last night. What sucks is that now
I'll have to actually watch that Bob Saget guy to find out if we won.
|
| Kyle: |
If we win, we can buy a new go-cart that actually runs.
|
| Stan: |
[with the right hand cupped to the side of his mouth]
Shhh! Here comes Cartman.
|
| Cartman: |
[with rap beats playing now] 'S up, homies? [he's
dressed in a red jogging suit and white sneakers. He has a large clock
hanging off his necklace and sports a high flat-top. On his right hand
are some brass knuckles with the work 'PIE' grafted to them.]
|
| Stan: |
Cartman?!
|
| Cartman: |
I was just down in the SPC kickin' it with some G's on
the Westsa-eed-eh.
|
| Kyle: |
You live on the Eastside, Cartman!
|
| Stan: |
Dude, I thought you said you were Native American.
|
| Cartman: |
[aloofly] Weh hunh hrhrh hrh huh-right! Like I'm some
hippie Indian. [Stan and Kyle just look at him] You know what I'm
sayin' G? Check you later-I'm gonna go chill with mide-my dad. [start
to moonwalk away to the sound of scratchin']
|
| Stan: |
Dude. We should be videotaping this. We could make
another $10,000.
|
|
[Kenny finally gets the go-cart going, but is yanked
behind it. It won't let him go, and a variation on Mission Impossible
begins to play]
|
| Kenny: |
(Guuyys! Could you please make it stoopp?!!)
|
| Stan, Kyle: |
Hold on, Kenny!
|
| Kenny: |
(Oof. Oh this Goddamned freakin'- [hits a bump on the
road] AARGH [the go-cart returns and goes into the snow] Goddamn, why-
[goes into a tight grove of trees, then exits] Oh this freakin'- [hits
a boulder] AARGH [the go-cart lands upside down on some tracks. Kenny
gets up and dusts himself off.] Phew. [The guys look at him and he
waves to them] Well, I'm fine, guys! [they smile and wave back.] Now if
I can- [a train strike him and the go-cart, obliterating both]
|
| Stan: |
Oh my God, they've killed Kenny.
|
| Kyle: |
You bastards!
|
|
[Chef's house. Cartman arrives]
|
| Chef: |
Hello?
|
| Cartman: |
Yo, Pops!
|
| Chef: |
[studying…] Boy, what the fudge are you
doin'?
|
| Cartman: |
You know, jus'… layin' down some rhymes for
G-folk, you know what I'm sayin'?
|
| Chef: |
Get in here! [drags him in]
|
| Cartman: |
Westsa-eed-eh.
|
| Chef: |
[now in the living room with Cartman] Take that wig
off! [does it himself] What's gotten into you?!
|
| Cartman: |
You're my dad, Chef. Chief Running Water said - you got
together with my mom at the Drunken Barn Dance.
|
| Chef: |
What?! Noh! Uh, did I?
|
| Cartman: |
He said you kissed her with your tongue.
|
| Chef: |
Ooooh-ho-ho-hoh hohohohoh, that's different. Women
don't get pregnant from tongue-kissing, children.
|
| Cartman: |
[dejected] Huho. So you're not my dad?
|
| Chef: |
Of course not. Here. You children sit down, [props him
up on a stool] and let me explain somethin' to you about where babies
come from. THEN, you'll see why I can't be your dad.
When a man loves a woman, and a woman loves a man,
Actually, sometimes a man doesn't love a woman, buut…he acts
like he does, in order to get some action, heheh
The magic starts to happen, and the two take off their clothes, that's
right
And they caress and touch each other, until the part of the man grows
Oooooooooo And they roll around and now things a-really
startuh getting hot
And the man says "I love you" and the woman says "hold on a second, I
gotta go to the bathroom"
So you wait, and you wait, and you wait and you
wait…[pause]…and you wait, and you wait, and you
waaaaiit
And you wait and you're coolin' down and she's still goin' to the
bathroom
Finally she comes back, and she says, "Baby, I'm gettin'
hot!"
And that's when you gotta jam her butt and pump her full of…
|
| Cartman: |
What?! Who the hell did that to my mom at the Drunken
Barn Dance?!
|
| Chef: |
Oh, children, that was a long time ago. But I'll tell
you what I remember. [Back at the Drunken Barn Dance. Chef is kissing
Ms. Cartman on the hay stack]
|
| Ms. Cartman |
Whoa, Chef! [he pulls away a bit] You're so strong!
|
| Jimbo: |
Hey, everybody, look who's here! The AFC Champion
Denver Broncos! [The barn door opens and the Broncos pour in. Most of
them are "hutt-hutting"]
|
| Bronco 1: |
Are we late for the party?
|
| Bronco 2: |
What the hell town is this?
|
| Ms. Cartman |
[getting in the mood: "There you are, like a shining
star. I want-"] Oooohh, Chef! Woooo, Chef!
|
| Chef: |
Damn, woman, what's gotten into you?!
|
| Ms. Cartman |
Woooh! Whooppee!! [throws her arms out in ecstacy]
Unhh! [a hand appears from under the hay. Chef grabs it and pulls the
rest of the body up]
|
| Chef: |
Garrison! What the hell are you doing?!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
You're drunk, Mr. Hat! [Mr.
Garrison is rather pleased that he did quite a bit without getting
caught. Ms. Cartman now looks at Mr. Garrison. "There you are-"]
|
| Chef: |
Ooooh, man! I'm outta here!
|
| Ms. Cartman |
Come on, Chef! Haven't you ever heard of a manage
o'three?
|
| Chef: |
Yeah! When two women are involved. [moves away]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Damn, Damn, Damn!! Oh well, I guess it'll just have to
be you and me, Ms. Cartman. [moves quickly on top of her and starts
kissing her]
|
| Chef: |
And that's… who she was with last! Mr.
Garrison!
|
| Cartman: |
No! Noooooo! No, God, Nooo!
|
|
[Stan's house that afternoon.
He, Kyle, and Grampa are once again looking at TV]
|
| Announcer: |
And now, back to America's Stupidest Home Videos-
|
| Bob Saget: |
Here's a video sent to us that shows a very disturbed
little boy.
|
| Cartman: |
Why, thank you Polly Prissy Pants. You are my best
friend. [the audience is watching]
|
| Polly: |
I think you are one of the coolest people in the world,
Eric. And you are not fat at all. [the audience starts to laugh]
|
| Cartman: |
Realy? You don't think so?
|
| Clyde: |
Naw, you're not fat.
|
| Cartman: |
[grabs a teacup] Gee, that's kewl. [The audience is
laughing harder. Stan and Kyle are laughing with the audience, and
Stan's parents appear]
|
| Carol: |
Aww, Stanley. We just heard the news that your little
friend Kenny was killed by a train this morning.
|
| Stan: |
Huh? [looks up at them] Oh yeah.
|
| Randy: |
Is there-uh anything we can do for you, son?
|
| Stan: |
How 'bout some ice cream?
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah, with butterscotch. [Stan nods agreement]
|
| Carol: |
You bet, you poor dears.
|
| Bob Saget: |
Now, the moment you've all been
waiting for, when one of our lucky videos qualifies for the $10,000
Grand Prize to be chosen tomorrow night! The winner is [drumroll
crescendo] Little Boy's Tea Party
|
| Kyle: |
Woohoo!
|
| Stan: |
Oh, yeah! We're gonna be in the finals!
|
| Kyle: |
We're gonna win $10,000! [Grampa doesn't look
pleased…]
|
| Stan: |
Man! Cartman's gonna be famous! [Kyle dances gleefully]
|
|
[The Bar. Mr. McCormick and
Mr. Garrison are at the bar]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Well, I guess we should go, Mr. Hat.
|
| Mr. Hat: |
Oh, just one more Cosmopolitan, Mr. Garrison.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Mr. Hat, you need to admit you have a drinking problem!
[to the barkeep] Another Cosmo, please.
|
| Cartman: |
[throwing the bar doors open] All this time! Why didn't
you tell me, father?!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
What the hell are you talking about, Eric?
|
| Cartman: |
It was you all along. You were with my mother the night
of the Drunken Barn Dance!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[gasps] Oh.
|
| Jimbo: |
Garrison? That's impossible. He's gay.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
I am not gay!
|
| Cartman: |
Then you did sleep with my mon?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
No!
|
| Jimbo: |
He's gay!!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Okay, Okay! I admit it! I might have made love to your
mother at the Drunken Barn Dance! But who here didn't?! [Everything
stops and gasps are heard] Now come on, honestly. Who here has never
had sex with Mrs. Cartman? [two men at a table look around and get
shocked. Principa Victoria and the Mayor are seen next]
|
| Principa Victoria: |
Oooooh. |
| Mayor: |
[at the same time] Hmmm. [Jesus and the Priest look
shocked as well. No one moves]
|
| Grizzled man: |
I haven't.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
…You don't count, Halfy-you don't have any
legs!
|
| Halfy: |
Oh. Yeah.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
So you see, Eric, anyone here could be your father. I'm
afraid you're never going to know. [Cartman slumps and Jimbo takes pity
on him]
|
| Jimbo: |
[approaching him] Don't feel too bad there, kid. I
never knew who my father was either. I mean, I did know who he was and
well, we had some great times together in huntin' and fishin' whe-well,
hell, you know what I mean. [a dirge plays as Cartman heads out of the
bar. Jimbo and Mr. Garrison look on, as do Jesus and the Priest]
|
| Mephesto: |
Wait, wait. [Cartman stops.] I know a way to find out.
[He is at the bar with his little friend]
|
| Cartman: |
[turns around] How?
|
| Mephesto: |
At my laboratory. We can do DNA
genetic testing. I'll take some of your blood along with the blood of
everyone here, and we can determine who your father is.
|
| Cartman: |
Really? You can? [the dirge turns hopeful]
|
| Mephesto: |
Yes, of course! I mean, that much testing will cost a
pretty penny but…
|
| Cartman: |
How much?
|
| Mephesto: |
Three thousand should cover it.
|
| Cartman: |
I don't have $3000.
|
| Mephesto: |
Oh. Never mind.
|
|
[The bus stop, next day. Stan
and Kyle are waiting]
|
| Stan: |
Dude! I can't wait to win that $10,000 on America's
Stupidest Home Videos. I'm gonna buy the coolest go-cart ever.
|
| Kyle: |
I'm gonna a Walkman with my half.
|
| Cartman: |
[depressed] Hi guys.
|
| Stan: |
How's it going, Cartman?
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, fine. How are you guys?
|
| Kyle: |
[looks at Stan; both are worried] Dude. What the hell
is wrong with you?
|
| Cartman: |
Ohh. Nothing. It's just… nothing.
|
| Stan: |
Come on, what's the matter, Cartman?
|
| Cartman: |
Well, I wanna know who my dad is, but… to
find out they have to do these DNA tests, and they cost $3000
and… I don't have $3000.
|
| Stan: |
Wow. We're sorry your mom's a whore, dude.
|
| Cartman: |
Well, it sucks. I have to know who my father is, I just
have to. Maybe I can work in a sweatshop for a while uh…
[Stan and Kyle look at each other again, seeing who'll make a move
first] Well, see you guys. I'm gonna go stay in my backyard for a
while.
|
| Kyle: |
Uuuh, Cartman. Wwe know how you can get $3000.
|
| Cartman: |
[suddenly bright] You do?
|
| Stan: |
Yyeah. We have a videotape that's in the finals for
America's Stupidest Home Videos, and… if we win, we'll give
you - 3000 of out $10,000 prize.
|
| Cartman: |
You will? Wow, you guys are the best! Thank you guys!
|
| Stan: |
Uh, yyeah.
|
|
[Cartman's house that night.
The boys are on the sofa]
|
| Announcer: |
And now, back to America's Stupidest Home Videos-
|
| Cartman: |
What kind of video did you guys make?
|
| Stan: |
Uuh, you'll see.
|
| Bob Saget: |
Well, it's time to crown the
$10,000 winner. Our judges have norrowed it down to only three
videos-first it's… "Dog Who Puts Hat On Master's Head."
|
| Falsetto: |
Oh, I'm a little dog. I'm just a little dog. [picks up
a hat and walks towards a man on a chair] Hahaha. [leaps up behind the
man and drops the hat in place] Hold on, I've got to put a hat on my
master's head, [jumps off, and the man turns to see the camera]
hehehahahuh. [the audience laughs. One woman with red curly hair is
particularly tickled by the video]
|
| Bob Saget: |
And now our second finalist, "Little Boy Has A Tea
Party." [Cartman reacts to what he sees on screen, which is a video of
his tea party two days before]
|
| Cartman: |
Why, thank you Polly Prissy Pants. You are my best
friend.
|
| Polly: |
Oh, thank you, Eric. [the audience starts to laugh.
Cartman is shocked, and Kyle, seeing Cartman's reaction, is afraid]
|
| Bob Saget: |
Boy! Looks like this kid needs some therapy!
Heheheheheh, heheheh.
|
| Stan: |
We're sure to win, Cartman. Then you get your DNA
money! [Cartman's anger is beginning to build]
|
| Cartman: |
I… am… so…
pissed… off… right… now.
|
| Kyle: |
[trying some encouragement] They laughed hardest at our
video. We're gonna win! [Stan smiles, Kyle throws his arms up] We're
gonna win! |
| Bob Saget: |
And finally our third contestant, "Young Child Gets Hit
By A Train."
|
| Falsetto: |
Oh, I'm such a cute little kid. [Stan and Kyle are
shocked, Cartman is angrier] Hmmm, I wonder if I can get this go-cart
started. [the go-cart starts and pulls Kenny along 'round a corner,
back again, into some tree, and finally onto the railroad tracks] Oh! I
hope I don't get hit by a train. [the train demolishes him] Ooooh, I
sure did. [Stan and Kyle are agape, and the audience roars with
laughter]
|
| Stan: |
Oh my God, they videotaped killing Kenny!
|
| Kyle: |
You bastards!
|
| Bob Saget: |
Now, that's what I call a joyride. Heeheeheeh. [The
audience continues laughing] And the winner is, naturally, "Little Boy
Being Hit By A Train," [Stan is stunned, Kyle is cross] Nnnnhnnnhnnnh.
[the audience laughs harder]
|
| Stan: |
Dude. We lost.
|
| Kyle: |
Dammit!
|
| Cartman: |
[slowly, deliberately] I am going to fucking kill you
guys, seriously. [getting more livid with every word]
|
| Bob Saget: |
Stand up and take a bow, Mr. Marsh.
|
| Grampa: |
I won! I won! [So that's why they were at Cartman's]
|
| Stan: |
[his eyes grow large] Grampa!! [they go back to normal]
|
| Bob Saget: |
Our other finalists will have to settle for their $3000
runner-up prizes-well, see you next time. [chuckles as the show ends]
|
| Kyle: |
Did you hear that, dude? We still get $3000. That's
enough for you to do your DNA test.
|
| Cartman: |
[very livid now] Kill… you… guys!
Kill you guys!!
|
|
[South Park Genetic
Engineering Ranch. Thunder and lightning abound.]
|
| Mephesto: |
All right. From everyone's
accounts, I've narrowed down Eric's possible father… to the
people in
this room: Officer Barbrady, Chef [blinks up], Jimbo [a bit shocked],
Mr. Garrison [eyebrows up], Ned, Chief Running Water, Gerald Broflovski
[surprised], myself, my friend Kevin [looks up at him], or, the 1989
Denver Broncos.
|
| Stan: |
Wow. I always knew Cartman's mom was a slut, but
Goddamn!
|
| Mephesto: |
The test results are in this envelope. [Cartman is
hopeful] Shall I… open it?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[impatiently] Yes! For God's sake, get on with it!
|
| Mephesto: |
Erhum ehrum uh [gasps] The father of Eric Cartman is
indeed, someone in this room. The father is-
|
| Announcer: |
[an organ plays] Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it -
Chief Running Water? [looks askance] Or is it - Chef? Is it Mephesto?
[looks around] Or that little monkey guy that follows him around? Or is
it Mr. Garrison?
|
| Jimbo: |
Nope. He's gay.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
|
| Announcer: |
Is it Jimbo?
|
| Jimbo: |
[agahst] Daaagh!
|
| Announcer: |
Or is Officer Barbrady?
|
| Officer Barbrady: |
Huh?! Where?!
|
| Announcer: |
Or could it be Ned?
|
| Ned: |
Could be.
|
| Announcer: |
Or Mr. Broflovski??
|
| Kyle: |
[pissed] Dad, how could you?!
|
| Announcer: |
Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos? The answer is coming
on an all-new South Park, in just four weeks.
|
| Cartman: |
What?! [enunciating] Son of a bitch!!
|
|
[End of Cartman's Mom Is A Dirty Slut] |
