|
[South Park Elementary, day. The fourth grade class is shown staring confused at the front of the class.] |
Mrs. Garrison: |
[crying] It’s like *sniff* my whole life has just been one big screw up, you know? *sniff* I admit it I was, I was sexually lost, I... *sniff* And then I see this person on Oprah, *sniff* she’s a woman but then she got a sex change and became a man, but... then she got pregnant and is having a baby which means she’s still a woman all along... That means I’m really still a man, I’m... *sobs* I still feel like a man *sniff* |
Butters: |
(to the other kids) Are we gonna get tested on this? |
Mrs. Garrison: |
*sniff* The sex change was a big mistake, okay? [blows her nose] I was on a lot of painkillers at the time, and I thought it was what I wanted... |
Stan: |
(to Kyle) Dude, you wanna do some math problems? |
Mrs. Garrison: |
*gulps* And then, I go to the doctor right? And I say “Doctor I wanna go back to being a man!” and he says, “Well there’s been too much damage, you can’t go back!” *sniff* “Where are you gonna find a penis?” [completely loses it and starts breaking things] WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHERE AM I GONNA FIND A PENIS? I’M A MAN! [sends things flying everywhere, causing the kids to recoil slightly in their chairs] I DESERVE A GODDAMN PENIS! [throws her chair out the window, then proceeds to punch a hole in a wall, knock over a filing cabinet, and kick her desk angrily] |
Principal Victoria: |
[standing in the doorway with Mr. Mackey] Mr Ga – Mr Garrison! [this gets Mrs. Garrison’s attention and she stops laying waste to the classroom] Could we speak with you please? |
Mrs Garrison: |
[stepping out into the hallway with Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria] What do you want? I’m trying to teach. |
Mr. Mackey |
Uh, we think its best you not teach until you get your personal life in order, mkay? [Principal Victoria goes back into the classroom and shuts the door] |
Mrs. Garrison: |
(scathingly) Ohhhh, it’s so easy for you, Mackey! You have a penis! [storms out] |
Principal Victoria: |
(to the class) Oookay students, obviously we’ve had a little “emergency” with your teacher so uh, while we deal with this we need one of you to lead the class in review for tomorrow’s quiz. |
Cartman: |
Oh! Me me, me... Me! Me me! Me! Right here! Right here right here - |
Principal Victoria: |
Uh, who, who else would like to be teacher for the day? Anybody else? |
Cartman: |
[stands on his chair and holds his hand in the air as high as he can] *straining* Uhh! Principal Victoria! Over here! Nnnnn.... |
Principal Victoria: |
...Any other volunteers, perhaps? |
Cartman: |
[now standing on his desk] Uhhhhhh! (gasping) Principal Victoria! Principal... |
Principal Victoria: |
[conceding] Alright alright, fine, Eric, you lead the class. |
Cartman: |
[running to the teacher’s position at the front] Yes! |
Principal Victoria: |
Now just lead a review over whatever Mr. Garrison’s been teaching you and I’ll be back to check on you shortly. [exits, shutting the door behind her] |
Cartman: |
[picking up the teacher’s pointer and examining it] Well, well, well. Who’s teacher now. [cracks the pointer like a whip] Yeah... Who’s teacher? |
Kyle: |
You’re not the teacher, fat ass. |
Cartman: |
That’s “Mr. Cartman” now, Kyle! And you will be wise not to interrupt my class unless you want to be suspended! [cracks the pointer again] Yeah... [and again] Mmm, yeah, you like that? [Kyle rolls his eyes]
Alright Clyde, you’re first. Get up here. [cracks the pointer again] Yeah, you’re gonna take it, Clyde. [waves it around some more] |
|
[Mrs. Garrison’s house, day. She’s crying on her couch, with the TV on] |
News Reader: |
[barely audible over Mrs. Garrison’s sobbing] And so it appears that the local farmer’s market could be soon facing complete closure. In other news tonight, a South Park bio company is coming under fire for genetically engineering body parts onto laboratory mice. This picture of a mouse, genetically altered to grow a human ear, has already sparked waves of protest. |
Mrs. Garrison: |
[suddenly alert] ...What? |
News Reader: |
But the scientists say the process could help thousands of people who’ve become disfigured, and need ears or noses. |
Mrs. Garrison: |
Holy freaking Jesus. |
|
[Research Group Laboratories, day. Mrs. Garrison is being shown around one of the labs, while scientists work busily on various experiments] |
Bio Company Doctor: |
Using common genetics and cartilage scaffolding, we can graft almost any body part onto a mouse and allow it to develop. [shows Mrs. Garrison a cage with a mouse in it] Here’s the mouse you saw on television. [Mrs. Garrison looks at it in awe. It’s very pink, with a partially formed ear protruding from its spine] Once the ear fully forms it can be transplanted onto a person. |
Mrs. Garrison: |
Doctor, what about a penis? |
Bio Company Doctor: |
...Well, a penis is something a man puts into a woman’s vagina. |
Mrs. Garrison: |
No, no, If I gave you some of my DNA could you grow a penis on a mouse for me? |
Bio Company Doctor: |
You don’t understand, doing this stuff is very expensive, and we’ve never tried a penis before, there’s no guarantee it would work! |
Mrs. Garrison: |
I will give you all the money I have to just try, please! Doctor I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body, I need a penis! |
Bio Company Doctor: |
Alright. [Mrs. Garrison grins] Alright, let’s see what we can do. |
|
[Principal Victoria’s office. She’s there along with Mr Mackey and two representatives from the Denver County School board. Cartman has been called into the office] |
Principal Victoria: |
Eric, we’ve called you in to commend you for your role as student teacher. |
Cartman: |
Ay! Don’t commend me, it’s the students’ fault for being so stupid! |
Mr Mackey: |
Uh, “commend” means you’ve done a great job Eric, mkay. |
Principal Victoria: |
After leading your class through review, your schoolmates scored higher than they ever have on their tests! Whatever you did really worked on them. |
Cartman: |
[mildly surprised] Oh, well, thank you. I believe strict discipline along with compassion for my students is catamite to their learning. |
Principal Victoria: |
These gentlemen from the Denver County School board have something they want to ask you. |
Board rep 1: |
Young man, word of your success as a student teacher has started the whole board thinking. We would like you to try your methods on one of our inner city school classes. |
Board rep 2: |
These kids just won’t listen to any adult teachers and... Since you handled your class so well, how’d you like to give it a shot? |
Cartman: |
That sounds like a chance to really make an impact on some students who need it most... How much will you pay me? |
|
[The neighbourhood bus stop, day. The school bus pulls up, and Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman disembark.] |
Cartman: |
Three hundred bucks! Did you hear what I said, you guys? My awesome teaching skills is gonna earn me three – hundred – bucks! |
Kyle: |
You’re not an awesome teacher. |
Cartman: |
Whatever! The whole class scored super high on the tests! |
Kyle: |
The only reason we scored high is because we took the answers out of Garrison’s desk! And you know it! |
Cartman: |
Yes, but who’s idea was it to take the answers out of Garrison’s desk? |
Kyle: |
(pointing) Kenny’s! |
Kenny: |
(Yeah, That was my idea!) |
Cartman: |
Oh yeah. But whatever, I’m gonna go teach those underprivileged inner city students and really turn their lives around. |
Kyle: |
(darkly) Do you know what those kids are going to do to you? A little middle-class white boy telling them what to do? They’re going to fucking, murder you. [Leaves with Stan and Kenny.] |
Cartman: |
[thinking about this] Maybe he’s right... I better be careful how I look. [The scene changes to Cartman’s bathroom. He looks at himself in the bathroom mirror for a moment, then takes out a shaver and shaves a long strip of hair off his head.] |
|
[Jim Davis High School, early morning. The place looks pretty run down, with smashed windows and graffiti all over the building. Fights break out in the yard. Inside, students are put through metal detectors before being allowed into the building. Kids smoke, drink, make out, and punch each other in the hallways. In one classroom, bits of paper fly around, the kids talk loudly, make out or hit each other some more. One kid can be seen playing a PSP when a teacher enters the room.] |
Mrs. Miller: |
Students, quiet. Quiet please! [she gets hit by a flying piece of paper] Give me your attention! |
Rodriguez: |
I’ll give you my attention all night long Mrs. Miller! [the rest of the class laughs] |
Mrs. Miller: |
You’re on thin ice, Rodriguez! Now listen up! The Denver County School board has sent over a special guest teacher. [The class “Ohhhh!”s in mock astonishment] This may be your last shot at graduating from high school at all! I want you to welcome: Eric Cartmenez. [Cartman enters the classroom wearing a casual work outfit. He’s combed some of his hair over the bald strip he shaved onto his head, and he has glasses and a suitcase.] |
Cartman: |
(in a Mexican accent) Hello students. I am Eric Cartmenez... Your new teacher. |
Student 1: |
[pointing at Cartman] What the hell is this? |
Cartman: |
(in a Mexican accent) I am here... to teach you calculus. |
|
[Research Group Laboratories, day. Mrs. Garrison is being lead through the same lab as before.] |
Bio Company Doctor: |
I think you’re going to be very pleased with the progress, Miss Garrison. |
Mrs. Garrison: |
Mister Garrison! |
Bio Company Doctor: |
Sorry, Mister Garrison. Your DNA has replicated and grafted very successfully with the mouse. And so... Here’s your penis. |
Mrs. Garrison: |
[examining the penis mouse, which is partially out of the camera frame.] Wow. My penis looks great! |
Bio Company Doctor: |
Yes, it’s a fantastic penis. Congratulations! |
Mrs. Garrison: |
[examining the penis mouse even closer] How long until its ready? |
Bio Company Doctor: |
Well it still has some forming to do, but fairly soon! |
Mrs. Garrison: |
Lemme see if it feels right in my hand... [opens the cage door] |
Bio Company Doctor: |
No! Don’t open the – [too late. The penis mouse jumps out of the cage and scurries around on the floor.] |
Mrs. Garrison: |
Oh no! [one of the scientists tries to grab it with no success. The penis mouse heads for the door.] |
Scientist 1: |
Don’t let it get out of the lab! [Unfortunately, another scientist chose that exact moment to enter the lab. He opens the door, and the penis mouse runs outside.] |
Mrs. Garrison: |
My penis! [She runs out of the lab, followed closely by the scientists, to see the penis mouse running away as fast as it can] Stop penis! Come back here! [she runs after it again.] |
|
[Jim Davis High school class room. Cartman is starting to do his job.] |
Cartman: |
(in a Mexican accent) Okay, everyone take a syllabus, and pass it to the amigo behind you. |
Student 2: |
Hey man, what the hell do you think you’re doing? |
Student 3: |
Yeah! |
Cartman: |
(in a Mexican accent) Mr. Cartmenez is here to make sure you all get into college. |
Student 4: |
Getting into college? Man, we ain’t get into no college! Fuck you! [the other students agree with this] |
Cartman: |
(in a Mexican accent) *sigh* How do I reach these kids? The reason that you think you can’t get into college, is because you haven’t been taught... How to cheat. Properly! How do you think white people always get ahead? Because we cheat all the time – I mean because they cheat all the time. [brings out a picture of Bill Belichick] This is Bill Belichick, coach of the New England Patriots. He’s won three Super Bowls. How? He cheated. He even got caught cheating, and nobody cared. Bill Belichick proved that in America it’s okay to cheat, as long as you cheat your way to the top! |
Student 5: |
Hey, I don’t wanna be called a cheater! |
Cartman: |
(in a Mexican accent) No no! If you cheat and fail, you’re a cheater. If you cheat and succeed, you’re savvy. |
Student 6: |
This is bullshit! I don’t wanna waste my time learning to cheat! |
Cartman: |
(in a Mexican accent) Go ahead, the door’s right here, bye bye have fun, we will miss you. [waves to the kid while looking the other way. The kid leaves.] *sigh* How do I reach these kids? |
|
[The neighbourhood park, day. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Butters are in the sandbox, making a castle. Mrs. Garrison runs to them from the gate.] |
Mrs. Garrison: |
Boys! Boys, have you seen my penis? |
Kyle: |
[exchanging confused looks with the other boys] ...What? |
Mrs. Garrison: |
My penis is on the loose! If you see it, just try to catch it with some cheese! [runs off in search of the penis mouse.] |
Butters: |
Ow... That hurt my brains... Owww.... |
|
[Jim Davis High school, day. Student 6 (the kid who ran out of the class before) is shooting baskets. He misses, and the ball rolls away, ending up at Cartman’s feet.] |
Cartman: |
[picking up the ball] (in a Mexican accent)Nice form, compadre! |
Student 6: |
Hey I walked out of your class, teacher! Look I don’t wanna argue with you about the merits of cheating! |
Cartman: |
(in a Mexican accent) Who wants to argue on a nice day like this? How about a little pickup game? [whistles to a kid sitting by the scoreboard reading a book] Hey Petano! Can you keep score for us? |
Petano: |
Sure thing, Mr. C! [he gets up] |
Cartman: |
(in a Mexican accent) Okay, you start on defence amigo! [tosses the ball to Student 6. Cartman bounces the ball for a few seconds, then gets past Student 6... by smacking him on the leg with a teacher’s pointer. He sinks the basket, and Petano changes the score to 1 - 0]Oh, that’s one to nothing amigo! |
Student 6: |
You cheated! |
Cartman: |
(in a Mexican accent) What’s the score, Jefe? Okay lets go, your turn! [Student 6 tries to get past Cartman, but again gets whacked by the teacher’s pointer. Cartman steals the ball and sinks another basket. Petano changes the score to 2 - 0] That’s two to nothing, amigo! |
Student 6: |
Fuck you man! You can’t do that! |
Cartman: |
(in a Mexican accent) Look at the scoreboard, amigo. No matter how many times you say I cheated, the scoreboard says two, nothing. [tosses the ball to Student 6] |
Student 6: |
I know what you’re trying to say. But I still don’t agree with it. [throws the ball away and limps away] |
Cartman: |
(in a Mexican accent) (yells after Student 6) Two to nothing esé! Two to nothing! *sigh* How do I reach these kids? |
|
[Butters’ house, night. Linda is washing dishes and humming to herself. Suddenly, she hears a squeak.] |
Linda: |
[listening] What is that? [the penis mouse runs across the floor. She jumps up onto a stool and jumps around on it] Eek! eek! [the penis mouse runs through again] Eek, eek! [she runs into the lounge, where Butters is playing with a toy bulldozer while Steven reads a newspaper] Steven! Steven come quick! |
Steven: |
What is it dear? |
Linda: |
A penis is loose in our kitchen! |
Steven: |
...A penis? |
Linda: |
Yes! It just ran across the floor! |
Steven: |
Now darling, calm down. |
Linda: |
(slightly hysterical) Calm down nothing, I don’t want that penis running through my house! |
Steven: |
(to Butters) Heh, women. Always afraid of penises. [he goes to the kitchen with Linda and Butters. After a moment of silence the penis mouse scurries across the room.] |
Linda: |
[pointing at the penis mouse] There! There you see it? |
Steven: |
Oh, it’s just a little penis, darling! |
Linda: |
I don’t care, it’s probably got all kinds of diseases! [the penis mouse rushes back across the floor.] |
Butters: |
(remembering what Mrs. Garrison had said) Hey! I think that’s teacher’s penis! |
Steven: |
Your teacher’s penis? |
Butters: |
Yeah! That must be his! |
Steven: |
Butters... How do you know what your teacher’s penis looks like? |
Butters: |
Huh? |
|
[Jim Davis High school, day. Cartman has managed to get the kids to pay attention, and they are writing down the things he is telling them.] |
Cartman: |
(in a Mexican accent) Today we will discuss one of the fundamental ways to cheat: getting material ahead of time. When Bill Belichick cheated for the Patriots, what did he do? He videotaped the opposing team’s defence. Think of the defence as your test. When taking a test you must also videotape, the defence. Learn what’s on the test before they give it to you. And that way you can – [stops. Student 6 has quietly entered the classroom.] |
Student 6: |
[looks around guiltily.] I thought that... Well maybe I can give cheating a try. |
Cartman: |
(in a Mexican accent) Have a seat amigo. Good to have you back. [Student 6 sits down] Alright. When Bill Belichick got caught with his, camera, he did not panic; he simply said what every good white cheater says when caught: “I misinterpreted the rules”. It’s what you must also say when caught cheating: “I misinterpreted the rules”. Say it with me. |
Cartman and the class: |
“I misinterpreted the rules” |
Cartman: |
(in a Mexican accent) Good! Again! |
Cartman and the class: |
(with more enthusiasm) “I misinterpreted the rules” |
Cartman: |
(in a Mexican accent) Again! |
Cartman and the class: |
(Student 6 joins in) “I misinterpreted the rules” |
Cartman: |
(in a Mexican accent) Now you sound like white people! |
The class: |
(shouting excitedly) “I misinterpreted the rules!” |
|
[South Park shopping centre car park, day. Butters is helping Steven load shopping into the back of the car. Mrs. Garrison confronts Steven.] |
Mrs. Garrison: |
What the hell do you mean you just put my penis outside?! Why didn’t you call me? |
Steven: |
Look, Garrison, my wife didn’t want a penis in the house, I had to get it out. |
Mrs. Garrison: |
Well now how am I supposed to find it? It could be anywhere! [They all hear a woman screaming somewhere.] Holy crap! [runs toward the sound.] |
Scared woman 1: |
[standing on a pile of suitcases outside the Komfort Inn] Eeeeek! Eeeeek! |
Her husband: |
Carol, get down from there. |
Scared woman 1: |
No! Didn’t you see that penis just now? Eek! |
Her husband: |
I’m sure that penis is way more scared of you than you are of it. |
Mrs. Garrison: |
[appearing suddenly from the left, pointing at the woman] You saw a penis? |
Scared woman 2: |
[from inside the Komfort Inn] Eeeeeek! [Mrs. Garrison follows the sound of her voice.] Oh, it’s so big and disgusting, eek! [the penis mouse runs through the room. Mrs. Garrison goes after it. Eventually the penis mouse goes into the steam room.] |
Mrs. Garrison: |
Come back here penis! [follows it into the steam room. It’s very hard to see. Mrs. Garrison feels around the room, until eventually...] There you are, got you! [she drags it out of the room, but discovers that the penis she’s holding is attached to a very confused looking man.] Hey... you’re not my penis! [the man becomes angry and smacks her across the face] Ow! [the penis mouse runs back out of the steam room and down the corridor. ] There it goes! Stop, you! |
|
[Jim Davis High school classroom. Cartman is busy teaching.] |
Cartman: |
(in a Mexican accent) The answer to number twenty-seven is five. |
The Class: |
[copying this down while reciting...] The answer to number twenty-seven is five. |
Cartman: |
(in a Mexican accent) The answer to number twenty-eight is fourteen. |
The Class: |
The answer to number twenty-eight is fourteen. |
Molita: |
Oh man, what’s the point... What’s the point of any of this? [picks up her things then runs out of the classroom crying.] |
Cartman: |
(in a Mexican accent) Alright uh, everyone review the section on sportscasters forgiving the Patriots for cheating and saying it was no big deal, I’ll be right back. [follows Molita into the corridor] Molita! Molita, hold on! You can’t quit now! Come on, what’s wrong with you? |
Molita: |
There isn’t any point to all this. I won’t be going to college... I’m pregnant, alright? I just found out, and Eduardo isn’t gonna help me raise it. |
Cartman: |
(in a Mexican accent) *sigh* How do I reach these kids? Alright, let’s go get you an abortion. |
Molita: |
No, I’m catholic! I think abortion is wrong! |
Cartman: |
(in a Mexican accent) Abortion isn’t wrong! What’s the one thing I’ve been teaching you? |
Molita: |
...That cheating is good? |
Cartman: |
(in a Mexican accent) Yes! And abortion is the ultimate form of cheating! You’re cheating nature itself! [Molita walks away from him] Why do rich white girls get ahead in life? Because they get abortions when they’re young! They get pregnant, but they still want to go to college so, whatever, they just cheat! They cheat that little critter in their belly right out of a chance at life. |
Molita: |
I don’t know Mr C... |
Cartman: |
(in a Mexican accent) Mexicans are told not to cheat. “Don’t cheat! You got pregnant, you have to raise the child!” So then you have to raise the child while all the white girls get to go to college and probably have a bunch more abortions! [faces Molita] It is at our most challenging times, that we must cheat our very hardest. |
|
[Park County Police Station, day. Detective Mitch Murphy is making a police sketch, and Sergeant Lou is taking details from Mrs. Garrison.] |
Sgt. Lou: |
And the last time you saw your penis was two days ago? |
Mrs. Garrison: |
(sounding mildly distraught) That’s right. |
Detective Murphy: |
Long whiskers or short? |
Mrs. Garrison: |
Short, and little fluffy ears. |
Detective Murphy: |
[drawing] Fluffy... ears... okay. |
Sgt. Lou: |
Think you got it, Mitch? |
Detective Murphy: |
I think so, sir. Is this pretty close? [shows Mrs. Garrison the sketch. It looks like Mickey Mouse with an enormous boner.] |
Mrs. Garrison: |
No, no! Not like that! That’s just silly! [a police officer approaches them] |
Police officer: |
Sir. We might wanna get a unit down to the Italian restaurant on Ketner. |
Sgt. Lou: |
What is it? |
Police officer: |
Call just came through. Seems a penis broke in and tried to eat their cheese. |
Mrs. Garrison: |
...Well come on! [runs off, followed by Murphy and Lou.] |
|
[The Italian restaurant, night. Its business as usual until the penis mouse charges across the floor.] |
Scared woman 3: |
Eeek! [jumps up onto her chair] |
Her date: |
What’s the matter? |
Scared woman 3: |
A penis! |
Scared woman 4: |
[getting up on a table.] A penis? Where?! |
Scared Woman 5: |
[the penis mouse runs past her table] There it is! Eek! [every other woman in the restaurant jumps up on their table and starts yelling “Eek!”. Mrs. Garrison, Murphy, and Lou enter the restaurant.] |
Mrs. Garrison: |
Where is it?! |
Detective Murphy: |
Look! There! [points at the kitchen door, which the penis mouse is about to run through. It goes unnoticed by the waiter who is leaving the kitchen.] |
Mrs. Garrison: |
Come on! [chases after it with Murphy and Lou.] |
Italian Chef: |
Whatsa thata penis doing in-a my kitchen? [aims a rolling pin at it.] |
Mrs. Garrison: |
[realising what the chef is trying to do] Hey! Don’t you dare kill my penis! [the penis mouse jumps through an open window.] ... Crap, we gotta go back around! [runs back out of the kitchen. The penis mouse makes its way along some garbage bins and runs along a fence, before stopping to stare at the moon. It begins to sing.] |
Mouse: |
Someone, somewhere,
Is loving me tonight.
Looking at the same moon,
And seeing it, so bright... |
Penis: |
Someone, somewhere,
Is feeling my despair - |
Mouse: |
Feeling your despair... |
Penis: |
And this same moon, is - |
Mouse and Penis: |
Making them think, of the – [Mrs. Garrison has arrived.] |
Mrs. Garrison: |
There it is! [makes a dive for it, but the penis mouse jumps away. Its chased by Mrs. Garrison, Murphy, Lou, and the Italian chef. It finds a drain, and disappears down it..] |
Mrs. Garrison: |
[reaching blindly into the drain.] No, no! NOOO!!! Noho! |
Detective Murphy: |
There’s not a chance now. |
Mrs. Garrison: |
No! We, we can find it! |
Sgt. Lou: |
Sorry, Garrison, your penis is gone. I’m afraid there’s nothing more we can do. You’ll just have to live with being a woman... a very ugly one. Come on, men. [Leaves with Murphy and the chef.] |
|
[Jim Davis High school classroom. Mrs. Miller is addressing the class, with Cartman watching them proudly.] |
Mrs. Miller: |
Students, I wanna congratulate you on your amazing test scores. The school board is so impressed with your progress, that they are going to let you take the standardized advanced placement test for college credit! [the class celebrates for a moment.] The test is going to be heavily monitored in a private room at their location, to assure that there can be absolutely no cheating. |
Cartman: |
[looks troubled] (in a Mexican accent) Uh, what? |
Mrs. Miller: |
The test will be tomorrow. Make us proud. [she leaves.] |
Student 7: |
...”Monitor us in a private room”? |
Student 2: |
Now they’re gonna know we’ve been cheating all along! |
Student 1: |
I knew it man... You made us believe in your way and now it’s all for nothing! |
Cartman: |
(in a Mexican accent) I-it’s not for nothing, i-if you’re good enough you can cheat right in front of them! |
Student 7: |
[standing up, getting pissed off.] Shut up man! You royally screwed us all! |
Cartman: |
(in a Mexican accent) HOW DO I REEEEEEACH THESE KIIIIIIIDS! [Student 7 sits back down.] Just before the last Super Bowl, Bill Belichick gathered his football players and said: “Lets win this one for real. Just this one time, let’s not cheat!”. You know what happened? They lost. [the students look at each other.] Even if you feel all eyes are upon you, you cannot give up on cheating! Or else you can lose the biggest game of your lives. |
Student 5: |
Yeah, come on, we can do this guys! |
Cartman: |
(in a Mexican accent) You are the true dreamers. Tomorrow you will prove it. We will begin by reviewing how to print out cheat sheets as labels for your bottled water... |
|
[Outside the Italian restaurant, night. Mrs. Garrison is lying on a park bench crying.] |
Mrs. Garrison: |
*sobs* You did this to yourself, Garrison. *sniff* Get your hopes up with a stupid genetic experiment and now all your money’s gone along with your penis! [cries some more, then hears a familiar squeaking sound. She sits up.] Wuh-what the? [looks towards her feet and sees the penis mouse crawling onto the bench.] Why... it’s my penis! My penis came back... But why? [lowers her hand for the penis mouse to crawl onto, then brings it up near her face to look at the penis mouse.] I guess it’s true... what’s that old saying? “If you love your penis, let it go”? |
|
[Jim Davis High school gymnasium, during an awards ceremony. Cartman’s class is out the front, with Mrs. Miller giving a speech.] |
Mrs. Miller: |
The standardized advanced placement test is considered one of the most difficult and carefully monitored tests in the country. Twenty-four of our students took the test, and all twenty-four scored one-hundred percent! [the audience applauds them.] |
Student 6: |
Uh, can we say something? |
Mrs. Miller: |
Sure! [moves out of the way.] |
Student 6: |
We would like to present this plaque to the person who taught us the white people method: Mr. Cartmanez! [The audience applauds once more. Cartman hesitates, then modestly approaches the class to receive the plaque. Several people begin taking photos.] |
Cartman: |
[looking satisfied.] I reached these kids. |
|
[South Park Elementary, gymnasium. The students and teachers are gathered.] |
Principal Victoria: |
Students and faculty, please put your hands together and help me in welcoming back: Mister Garrison! [Mr. Garrison walks in waving cheerfully. The teachers all clap.] |
Mr. Garrison: |
Thanks, everyone! It’s great to be back. I’m a man again! Thanks to my very special new friend. [The mouse appears on his shoulder, with no more penis attached to it.] But you know, I’ve learned that I’ve really been a dude all along. Because the key difference between men and women, is that women can have babies. If you can’t have babies then... You’re a man. |
Thompson: |
Whoa-uh, wait, uh, hang on a second, my wife had ovarian cancer, so she can’t have babies. |
Mr. Garrison: |
Well then get an AIDS test, Thompson, ‘cos your wife’s a dude, faggot. [Thompson looks stunned.] Yeah! I’m back! [jumps into the air in celebration.] |
|
[End of Eek, A Penis!.] |
