|
[South Park]
|
| Announcer 2: |
Previously, on South Park: an
air of sobriety fills the laboratory as the men of South Park gather to
find out which one of them fathered this boy. [Cartman chowing on
cookies and milk]
|
| Announcer 1: |
Who is Eric Cartman's father? At the end of this
episode, you will know the answer.
|
|
[Opening warning and theme song. Much has been added.
Then the episode resumes at the laboratory]
|
| Mephesto: |
And now, to continue, the father is indeed someone in
this room.
|
| Cartman: |
Man, this feels like the longest minute of my life.
|
| Stan: |
[Kenny is restored to the story line. Kyle notices]
Oooh- hey, Kenny.
|
| Mephesto: |
Gentlemen, the father is… [the lights go out]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Hey, what the hell's going on?
|
| Jimbo: |
It's a power outage!
|
|
[BANG BANG, then a body is heard falling. The lights go
back on and the men settle down]
|
| Chef: |
Is everybody okay? That sounded like a gun shot!
|
| Officer Barbrady: |
Oh my God, look! [Mephesto lies shot on the floor, his
ass-headed cane next to him]
|
| Kenny: |
(Oh my God, they killed Mephesto!)
|
| Kyle: |
You bastards!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Mephesto's been shot. [everyone gathers round Mephesto]
|
| Chef: |
Is he …dead?
|
| Jimbo: |
[with Ned by a broken window] Hey! This window is shot
out, too! That means the killer was not someone in this room!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Then who was it?
|
| Announcer 1: |
Who shot Mephesto? Was it the school counselor? Or was
it Ms. Crabtree? Or was it-
|
| Cartman: |
Ey! I didn't find out who my father was!
|
| Announcer 1: |
Or was it Sheila Broflovski?
|
| Chef: |
[listening to Mephesto's chest] Waait! [getting up]
He's still breathin'-he's not dead.
|
| Cartman: |
[grabbing Mephesto's shirt] Goddammit! Who's my father?
|
| Chef: |
[about to lift Mephesto] We've got to get him to the
hospital.
|
| Cartman: |
You've got to be kidding me!
|
| Chef: |
Come on, children! [carries Mephesto out the door.
Cartman follows]
|
| Cartman: |
Eeeehh!
|
| Gerald Broflovski: |
Oh, that poor kid. It must be hell for him going
through all this. [Ms. Cartman sighs deeply and moves away]
|
| Jimbo: |
There's a murderer free in South Park. We have to find
out who it is before they kill again.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Yeah. God only knows who they'll kill next.
|
| Announcer 1: |
Who will they kill next? Will it be Jimbo? Barbrady?
The Denver Broncos?
|
|
[Chef is driving up a hill
with the kids and Mephesto on the first night of this episode]
|
| Cartman: |
Is he awake yet?
|
| Kyle: |
[checking] He's bleeding pretty bad back here.
|
| Chef: |
Don't let him bleed on my Meredith Baxter-Birney
memorial towel.
|
| Kyle: |
What's a Meredith Baxter-Birney memorial towel?
|
| Chef: |
I actually was with Meredith Baxter-Birney in this very
car. And afterwards we used that towel to… [mad at himself]
Wait a minute. Why am I telling you this?
|
| Stan: |
Could you pull over so I can get out?
|
| Chef: |
What??? We have to get to the hospital.
|
| Stan: |
I have to get out first. I'm not gonna make it-I can't
stand hospitals!
|
| Chef: |
Sorry, Stan. We just gotta drop Mephesto off and then
we can get outta there, alright?
|
| Kyle: |
Man, it's really starting to snow. [outside view of
snow falling as Chef drives by] I hope they don't close the roads.
|
| Cartman: |
They can't. Mephesto can't die.
|
| Kyle: |
Maybe it's better you don't know who your father is,
Cartman.
|
| Cartman: |
No way, dude! I can't stand to leave
things unfinished. It's like when you hear the first part of that song,
Come Sail Away, by Styx. If I hear the first part of that song, I have
to finish it.
|
| Kyle: |
Really?
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah, du-I can't do anything until it's done.
|
| Kyle: |
[looks at Stan, who looks back. He starts] I'm sailing
away.
|
| Cartman: |
No! Don't!
|
| Kyle: |
Set an open course for the virgin sea…
|
| Cartman: |
[tries to resist, but the pull is just too strong] Eh.
[two short gasps follow, then he races through…]
For I've got to be free, free to face the life that's
ahead of me
On board I'm the captain, so climb aboard
We'll search for tomorrow on every shore
And I'll try, oh lord, I'll try to carry on
Maymaynemay Maymaynemay Maymaynemay Maymaynemay
A gathering of angels appeared above our heads
They sang to us this song of hope
And this is what they said
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with
me… lads
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me
I thought that they were angels, but to my surprise
We climbed about their starship and headed for the skies
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with
me… lads
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me… lads
[heavy panting. Chef keeps driving]
|
| Kyle: |
Whoa, dude!
|
|
[City Hall, first night.
Sheila, Officer Barbrady, Carol, and Jimbo are assembled before the
Mayor]
|
| Jimbo: |
What are we gonna do, Mayor? This killer is on the
loose!
|
| Sheila: |
We can't even leave our homes for fear of our
children's safety.
|
| Carol: |
Uh. Where are our children? [they look around]
|
| Mayor: |
Officer Barbrady, let's pretend for one second that we
had a competent law enforcer in this town: what would he do?
|
| Officer Barbrady: |
Hmmm. That's a good question, Mayor. Let me get right
on that, with thinking.
|
| Greenfield: |
[rushing in with cameraman amd boom mike operator]
Mayor! Mayor!
|
| Mayor: |
[aside to an aide] The press is here.
|
| Greenfield: |
My name is Sid Greenfield. I'm the director from Los
Angeles for America's Most Wanted
|
| Mayor: |
[amazed] Youuu certainly made it up here quickly.
|
| Greenfield: |
We're desperate for stories. [boom mike operator thumps
him] Ah and this one is so compelling.
|
| Mayor: |
[aroused] Really??
|
| Greenfield: |
Sure. This story has everything. People. Furniture.
Talking-ih it's a real American story.
|
| Officer Barbrady: |
Hey, I thought of something. [close-up] Uh…
oh, wait, that's subtraction.
|
| Mayor: |
Mr. Director person, what exactly do you want to do?
|
| Jimbo: |
Mayor, shouldn't we be focusi-
|
| Mayor: |
Shh.
|
| Greenfield: |
We just want to do a recreation
of the story for our show. Then we'll flash a number on the screen that
people can call if they have any information regarding the identity or
location of the shooter. That's it. You win, we win, America wins.
|
| Mayor: |
Are you sure this wouldn't make our little town look
dangerous?
|
| Greenfield: |
Don't worry, Mayor. America's Most Wanted is not about
violence, it's about family.
|
| Cameraman: |
It is?
|
| Mayor: |
[thoughtfully] Weelll, in that case, I guess it's okay!
[gung-ho]
|
| Greenfield: |
Great! We'll get started with auditions immediately.
What part should we cast first?
|
| Announcer 1: |
Who will the director cast first? Will it
be… Mr. Garrison? Officer Barbrady, Chef?
|
| Liane: |
I want to have… an abortion.
|
| Receptionist: |
Uoh well, we can do that. This must be a very difficult
time for you, Mrs.…
|
| Liane: |
Cartman. Yesuh- it's such a hard decision, but I just
don't feel I can raise a child in this screwy world.
|
| Receptionist: |
Yes, Ms. Cartman-if you don't
feel fit to raise a child, then abortion probably is the answer. Do you
know the actual time of conception?
|
| Liane: |
About - eight years ago.
|
| Receptionist: |
[processing] …I sseee, so the fetus
is…
|
| Liane: |
Eight years old.
|
| Receptionist: |
Ms. Cartman, uh- eight years old is a little late to be
considering abortion.
|
| Liane: |
Really?!
|
| Receptionist: |
Yes- this is what we would refer to as the - "fortieth
trimester"
|
| Liane: |
But I just don't think I'm a fit mother.
|
| Receptionist: |
Wuh… But we prefer to abort babies a little-
…earlier on; in fact, there's a law against abortions after
the second trimester.
|
| Liane: |
Well, I think you need to keep your laws off of my body.
|
| Receptionist: |
Hmmmmm. Tsk, I'm afraid I can't help you, Ms.
Cartman-if you want to change the law, you'll have to speak with your
congressman.
|
| Liane: |
[rises from the chair] Well, that's exactly what I
intend to do! Good day! [exits]
|
| Chef: |
[reaches the hospital and gets out quickly] Come on,
children! We've gotta find a doctor! [Kenny follows him in]
|
| Stan: |
[stops] Ugh. I can't do it, dude. [Kyle and Cartman
pass him]
|
| Kyle: |
Come on, Stan. Hospitals aren't all that bad.
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah, stop being a wuss!
|
|
[Operating room. A patient lies on the
table, and the doctor is being assisted by a female nurse with no arms
below the elbow. Chef and the kids enter]
|
| Chef: |
Doctor!
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
One moment, please. Nurse, I need 20 cc's of sodium
pentathol, stat! [she reaches for the syringe and grabs it with her
mouth]
|
| Kyle: |
Whoa, dude! She doesn't have any arms!
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
We're an equal-opportunity employer here, son. [she
spits out the syringe, and he catches it along the cartridge end]
|
| Chef: |
Doctor! We've got a shot cracker outside!
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
I'll be right with you, right after I inject this man
with a long needle.
|
| Stan: |
[pained] Oh man. [grabs his stomach] I'm gonna be sick.
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
There there, young man. Medical science is nothing to
be afraid of. [squeezes out any air left in the syringe. A few drops
escape, and he rams the needle into the man's side]
|
| Stan: |
Oogh.
|
| Nurse: |
[scraping sounds are now heard] Ooooo, I think you're
hitting the bone.
|
| Stan: |
Ooooogh.
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
[still driving the syringe] Yes. I can hear the needle
scraping against the bone inside. [blood bursts from the injection site]
Oops. He's hemorrhaging. [a burst lands next to Stan]
|
| Stan: |
[wide-eyed] Aaah!
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
[plop] Ooo! His head fell off.
|
| Stan: |
I'm gettin' out of here!
|
| Kyle: |
Stan!
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Ugh, some people just have a weak stomach.
|
|
[The second day. America's
Most Wanted temporary set]
|
|
[Greenfield is accompanied by his assistant in the
auditorium]
|
| Mephesto tryout: |
And the father of Eric Cartman is… Bam. Oh,
Jiminy! I've been shot! [drops the cane]
|
| Greenfield: |
Oh. Thank you very much. We'll get back to you. [the
actor departs] I think I've seen enough genetic engineers. Let's move
on to the auditions for the part of Misteruhh Garrison.
|
| Assistant: |
Call the Mr. Garrison auditions!
|
| Garrison 1: |
Boy. I sure hope I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr.
Hat.
|
| Mr. Hat 1: |
[just a sock with two purple disks for eyes] You can
say that again, Mr. Garrison!
|
| Greenfield: |
Alright, not bad. Let's keep him on the top pile. Next!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
I sure hope that I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr.
Hat.
|
| Mr. Hat: |
You can say that again, Mr. Garrison!
|
| Greenfield: |
Thank you! Next!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[shocked] What?
|
| Greenfield: |
Next! [Mr. Garrison leaves, dejected, as another actor
enters]
|
| Garrison 2: |
[an actor with a deep voice] I sure hope that I'm not
Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat.
|
| Mr. Hat 2: |
[a fist with a face drawn on it] You can say that
again, Mr. Garrison!
|
| Greenfield: |
Perfect! You got it! Let's move on to the Chefs! [Mr.
Garrison stands dumbstruck]
|
|
[Same day. Liane is in bed
with her congressman]
|
| Liane: |
…And so you see, Congressman O'Reilly,
that's why I think abortion laws should be changed.
|
| O'Reilly: |
Well, all I know is that third-trimester abortions are
illegal. I don't really know anything about 40th.
|
| Liane: |
But the person at Unplanned Parenthood said you were
who I had to talk to about changing the law.
|
| O'Reilly: |
No- No, I think youah gotta talk to the governor about
that stuff.
|
| Liane: |
Oh, dear.
|
|
[The third night. Back at the hospital.]
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
[Mephesto is on the operating table, sedated] Well,
this is about all I can do for him.
|
| Cartman: |
Can't you get him to talk? I have to know who my father
is.
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Sorry, son, it might be a while.
|
| Cartman: |
[bounding onto Mephesto and slapping him around] Wake
up, you sonofabitch!
|
| Chef: |
Whoa!
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
[as he lowers Cartman to te ground] Now, son, that's
not's gonna do him any good. I'll let you know if there's a change in
his condition.
|
| Cartman: |
I can't wait anymore. What am I supposed to do?
|
| Kyle: |
Hey. Cartman.
|
| Cartman: |
What?
|
| Kyle: |
I'm sailing ay…
|
| Cartman: |
-way. Set an open course for the virgin sea.
For I've got to be free, free to face the life that's ahead of me
On board I'm the captain, so climb aboard…
|
| Stan: |
Okay okay, let's get outta here now! […We'll
search for tomorrow on every shore…]
|
| Kyle: |
[looking out at the snow storm] I don't know if that's
gonna be too easy. […And I'll try, oh lord, I'll try to
carry on.]
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
My God, that's a hell of a storm. [I look to the sea.
Reflections-]
|
| Stan: |
[-in the waves spark my memory…] Oh, weak.
[Kenny looks up towards the window.]
|
| Cartman: |
…Some happy, some sad. I think of childhood
friends and the dreams we had
We lived happily forever, so the-
|
|
[The third day. Back at the
studio, auditions have ended]
|
| Greenfield: |
[looking at the storm] God I hate mountains. [moving to
the center of the studio] This better not push back our shooting
schedule! [Actors for Mephesto, Barbrady, and Chef are on the
laboratory stage. Greenfield takes the megaphone] Okay, people, let's
rehearse the reenactment from the top before we shoot it. [sees a new
actor and turns to his assistant] Who's that?
|
| Assistant: |
Oh, that's TV's Eric Roberts. We were able to ge him to
play the part of the little monkey guy.
|
| Greenfield: |
Whoa. Talk about "all washed-up", huh? Great to have
you, Eric! [he stops munching a doughnut long enough to wave and smile]
Here we go, aaand action.
|
| Mephesto actor: |
I want to announce who the father is.
|
| Greenfield: |
Bang!!
|
| Mephesto actor: |
Oh. I've been shot! [falls over]
|
| Barbrady actor: |
Nobody move! I'm a law officer!
|
| Chef actor: |
My God, I think he's gone into cardiac arrest!
|
| Mephesto actor: |
[as Chef actor speaks] Whoaw!
|
| Barbrady actor: |
You seem somewhat unnerved by this, Chef.
|
| Chef actor: |
Are you accusing me, Barbrady? Because if you are
accusing me, don't hide behind your clever riddles!
|
| Barbrady actor: |
Our differences must be set aside for now, Mr. Chef.
I'm simply a man, a man trying to do my job.
|
| Barbrady: |
Whoa, this is a good movie!
|
|
[Same day, back at the
hospital]
|
| Cartman: |
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with
me… lads
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me-hee.
[the boys are in the emergency room with a bunch of
patients bleeding, getting nauseous, etc.]
|
| Stan: |
Ohh. Dude, when can we get out of here?
|
|
[the doctor bursts through the emergency doors with the
nurse] |
| Blonde: |
[bleeding from a gash on the neck] Doctor, I can't
focus!
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
We're doing the best we can,
ma'am. They've closed the pass and none of the other doctors can get
through. For now, it's just me, and Nurse Goodly. [she tosses the
stethoscope around for a better hold]
|
| Chef: |
Wait a second. They've closed the pass??
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Yes. I'm afraid we're critically understaffed. Unless
we get help soon, all these people in here are completely fucked.
[everyone turns to him and gasps. He quickly retracts] Mmetaphorically
speaking, that is.
|
| Cartman: |
What about Mephesto? Are you taking care of him?
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
He's on full life-support and breathing fine. He
shouldn't need any help - so long as the power doesn't go out. [Bzht.
Everything goes black] Oof. Who didn't see that coming a mile away,
huh?
|
|
[The fourth night. Show
time! A siren rotates, there's a hold-up and a helicopter zooms in on a
raid from above. There's also a ground shot of the arrest. Lady Justice
appears. A suspect is thrown behind bars]
|
| Voice-over: |
Tonight, on America's Most Wanted! A shooter is on the
loose in Colorado, and its residents are up in arms! Here's your hose,
John Walsh.
|
| John Walsh: |
Good evening and welcome to America's Most Wanted.
Tonight: terror invaded the small mountain community of South Park,
Colorado, when Dr. Alphonse Mephesto [his picture appears] was gunned
down in his laboratory. America's Most Wanted has reconstructued this
heinous crime [the South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch is seen] in
hopes that your calls could help solve the case. |
| Mephesto actor: |
[Pfff. The actors flinch and he throws away the cane]
I've been shot!
|
| Garrison actor: |
[catches him] My God, Mr. Hat! Get some help!
|
| Mr. Hat actor (!): |
Right away, Mr. Garrison.
|
| Eric Roberts (as Kevin!): |
No, No! My lifetime partner and friend, gone, taken
away in the wink of an eye. O, Fortune, why do you mock me?
|
| Greenfield: |
What the-? Bu-eh. Eric Roberts is improvving lines
again!
|
| Chef actor: |
I'm going to get the man to a hospital. Who will help
me?
|
| Eric Roberts: |
This is not a world I want to live in! Doesn't anyone
want-
|
| Greenfield: |
God-dammit! [outside, a pine tree falls on the studio's
power lines. The lights dim and all action comes to a halt] What the
hell is this?!
|
| Cameraman: |
We've lost the feed to L.A.
|
| John Walsh: |
Uuuhm. We-we seem to have lost our linkup to the South
Park crew, sso I guess we'll be going to our featured movie, Who Framed
Roger Rabbit?
|
| Announcer 1: |
Who framed Roger Rabbit? Was it Jimbo? Mr. Garrison?
Chef?
|
| Greenfield: |
Somebody go see why we lost the hookup! [the doors fly
open and snow is swept in]
|
| JImbo: |
Holy smokes, that blizzard is getting crazy!
|
|
[The fourth day, back
at the hospital. Lights can be seen in most of the rooms. Inside, the
backup generator has come online and everyone is running around]
|
| Nurse Goodly: |
Don't panic, anybody. The power lines are down, but the
backup generator is running just fine. |
| Dr. Doctor: |
[opening the operating room doors wide] Nurse, I could
use some help in here!
|
| Nurse Goodly: |
Coming! [finds Cartman in her way]
|
| Cartman: |
[haltng her] Lady-m? Is Mephesto gonna be okay?
|
| Nurse Goodly: |
Yes. For now. But I'm afraid the generator won't run
for long. The batteries run out in half an hour. Time is very short.
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Nurse, please! I need another pair of hands in here!
[she looks at him and glares] Oh. Sorry.
|
|
[Same day. Liane at the
Governor's mansion, in bed with him]
|
| Liane: |
Don't you see, Governor? I should have a right to have
an abortion if I want one.
|
| Governor: |
[smoking] Mmaarr. I don't know-uh, I might need some
more convincing, hm-hm-hm. [edges closer to her]
|
| Liane: |
I mean, whar right do I have bringing
another child into this overpopulated world? Then again, I should've
thought of that before having sex. then againuh- Oh, I just don't
know…
|
|
[back at the hospital]
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Please, Mr. Chef. I've over 100 people to attend to an-
and only myself and Nurse Goodly.
|
| Chef: |
What do you want me to do?
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Do you know anything about surgery?
|
| Chef: |
I used to watch Quincy.
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
What?! Why the hell didn't you say so? Put on some
scrubs! Boys, I'm making you all honorary doctors. You can help us save
these people's lives.
|
| Stan: |
No way, dude!
|
|
[America's Most Wanted studio,
in the dark, the fifth night]
|
| Jimbo: |
[opens the door and a pile of snow pours in on him]
Well [opens his right eye], we're not going anywhere for a loong time.
|
| Greenfield: |
We're snowed in?
|
| Mayor: |
Yes. We're trapped!
|
| Garrison: |
[snuggling up to Greenfield] Like sailors on a
submarine.
|
| Mayor: |
My God, this is the worst storm I've ever seen.
|
| Assistant: |
Oh I have to get out of here, I haven't eaten since
breakfast.
|
| Barbrady: |
Yeah, I'm gettin' hungry, too. [rubs his belly]
|
| Jimbo: |
I hope you all realize what we might be facing here.
[all are attentive] Our only option might be to… eat each
other to stay alive. [Gasps are heard all around]
|
| Greenfield: |
Uuuhh, it's only been like, four hours. Aren't you
resorting to cannibalism a little quickly?
|
| Jimbo: |
That's a lot of lead, Mr. Director. I don't eat pretty,
but if a few of us must die so the rest can stay alive, so be it.
|
| Mayor: |
Buut, how do we decide "who"?
|
| Jimbo: |
Well, we draw straws.
|
| Greenfield: |
Now, wait a minute. We all had a big breakfast: can't
you people go without eating for a little while?
|
| Jimbo: |
Calm down, soldier! We need every person here to keep
his head! Barbrady, fetch some straws.
|
| Greenfield: |
Well- who the hell made you the boss anyway?
|
| Announcer 1: |
Who the hell made Jimbo boss? Was it- Barbrady? Chef?
Mr. Gar-
|
|
[Same night, the
hospital. The doctor is operating with his motley crew. Stan and Kyle
are on one side, Cartman and Kenny are on the other. Chef stands at one
end of the table between Cartman and Kyle, and the doctor is at the
other end.]
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Miles' appendix has burst. I have no choice but to
operate now with our limited power. I need you all to be strong for me.
[Stan raises his brows] Nurse Goodly will take care of the anesthesia.
Chef, you act as her arms. [he withdraws] Boys, you have to help with
suction and bandages. Ready?
|
| Stan: |
No.
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Okay. First, I'll make an incision on the chest, over
the heart.
|
| Stan: |
[queasily] Oh boy. [the doctor slices the flesh
vertically over the X he has marked over the heart. It splits open and
Stan removes his mask] Bluuch! [the vomit goes right into the open
incision]
|
| Kyle: |
Duhuhude! You barfed into the incision!
|
| Cartman: |
Weak.
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Suction! [Kenny places the suction cup over the
incision. The power begins to flicker, and he removes the cup]
|
| Cartman: |
Hey, who's screwing with the lights?
|
| Announcer 1: |
Who is screwing with the lights? Is it- Barbrady? or
Jimbo? Or the 1991 Denver Broncos?
|
| Cartman: |
[to Kenny] This is really starting to piss me off!
|
|
[America's Most Wanted studio,
nighttime. Barbrady stands holding the straws]
|
| Jimbo: |
Alright. So far, everybody has a long piece of straw.
We'll keep drawing. [draws] Whew.
|
| Garrison: |
[draws] Whew.
|
| Barbrady: |
[sees that his straw is short and throws it away,
behind himself] Wooo!
|
| Jimbo: |
Wait a minute! Where the hell is the short one?
|
| Barbrady: |
The short what?
|
| Jimbo: |
Dammit, Barbrady! When you draw straws, you're supposed
to have one of them short! That's how you decide who loses!
|
| Barbrady: |
That's not how I played it!
|
| Garrison: |
Uuugh, could we hurry this up? My stomach is growling
|
|
[back at the hospital]
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
I found a map that shows the
location of a backup generator. Apparently, they built a large
self-sustaining generator- for just this kind of emergency. But it's
out and away from the hospital.
|
| Chef: |
So how do we get to it?
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
We must split up into two teams:
Team A, and Team B. Team A will consist of myself, Stan, Kyle, Eric,
Chef, and Nurse Goodly. Team B will consist- of Kenny. [stunned. The
doctor pats his head]
Now, listen closely, Team B. Your goal will be to turn on the backup
generator. To do this you must brave the storm outside and get into
this sewage duct [points it out to him on the map] Meanwhile, Team A
will go to the holding area, here [points to it]
where there is a television, and some cocoa. We will drink the cocoa
and watch family programming until Team B makes it through the sewage
duct. By that time, Team B- remember, that's you, Kenny- should reach
the outer core of the generator. It will be a cold and dangerous climh
to the top, and there could be velociraptors- here [points to an area
between the holding area and the generator].
Once you reach the top, you should be able to get a clear view from
this windows of us drinking cocoa and watching television. Then, you
could proceed down into the generator, and power it on. Are there any
questions?
|
| Cartman: |
Nnoh, that sounds pretty sweet to me.
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Great, then, let's do it. Go, Team!
|
| Kenny: |
(Huh?)
|
|
[the studio]
|
| Garrison: |
I… can't… go on… eh.
So… hungry…
|
| Mayor: |
We're all going to die in this horrible place [covers
her eyes]
|
| Jimbo: |
We have to have the energy to make it through the
night. We have to eat.
|
| Greenfield: |
How can we? How could we live with ourselves?
|
| Jimbo: |
There's only one answer: eat Eric Roberts. [He's shown
squatting on the floor]
|
| Mayor: |
[thoughtfully] Yes, uh-of course. Nobody gives a shit
about Eric Roberts.
|
| Garrison: |
[madly] Eat Eric Roberts! [the rest of the group goes
mad and prepares to do him in]
|
| Eric Roberts |
No! No, please!
|
|
[Later. Eric's arms, legs, and head have been removed,
and bees hover around the corpse]
|
| Mayor: |
Well, there's no going back now. [Ned and Jimbo keep
eating] We're cannibals [someone burps] God save us.
|
| Jimbo: |
God wants you to live, Mayor. Thanks! [presumably, to
God]
|
| Assistant |
[Coolly] Well I have to admit, Eric Roberts was much
juicier than I expected.
|
| Greenfield: |
[miffed] Aaww.
|
| Garrison: |
This snow just isn't letting up. We're gonna die here,
I know it.
|
| Jimbo: |
What time is it, Barbrady?
|
| Barbrady: |
It's almost midnight.
|
| Garrison: |
Oh! I can't… go on. [drops to his side]
|
| Jimbo: |
We'll give the storm another hour. After that, we might
have to eat again.
|
| Greenfield: |
What? Christ, are you people diabetic or something?
|
|
[the hospital. Kenny has made
it through the tunnel and exits the manhole. He's pretty soiled. He
turns on his communicator]
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Team B? Come in, Team B.
|
| Kenny: |
(This is Team B.)
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Listen, Team B. We've found
another path to the generator. There's actually a nice heated walkway
to it. So you don't need to walk through all that sewage.
|
| Kenny: |
(Are you fuckin' telling me that I could've fuckin'
gone that way?!)
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Oh. Well, forget I said that,
then. Listen, Team B. You should be seeing a large drift of snow with
some metal sticking out of it just to your left.
|
| Kenny: |
(Yup! I see it in the drift)
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Good. Head towards it. Team A out.
|
| Cartman: |
What if Mephesto never wakes up, and I never find out
who my father is?
|
|
[Kenny heads toward the generator and a dinosaur casts
its shadow on both of them]
|
|
[The studio. Ned,
Jimbo and the Mayor are eating again. The camera shows that Greenfield
and the assistant have joined Eric Roberts as casualties to
cannibalism. Barbrady is seen working on a leg and some ribs]
|
| Mayor: |
My God, what a harrowing tale of human drama this is.
All of us doing what we must to survive.
|
| Jimbo: |
It is amazing what people can do under stress. Just
look at the pyramids. Nobody knows how they built those. Or who.
|
| Announcer 1: |
Who built the pyramids? Was it- the Babylonians?
Officer Barbrady? Samaritans?
|
|
[The generator. Kenny has
opened the door and is ready for new orders.]
|
| Kenny: |
(Okay, I've reached the generator)
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Roger, Team B. [to the rest of Team A] He's reached the
backup generator. [to Kenny] Team B, can you see the two copper nodes?
|
| Kenny: |
(Roger.)
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Good. Now, is there a wire connecting them?
|
| Kenny: |
(Negative.)
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Damn! The wire connecting the nodes is gone! We need to
complete the circuit between them, or we're screwed.
|
| Kyle: |
D'you have any wire here?
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
There's no time! Once these lights flicker out all the
patients on life-support are going to die!
|
| Kenny: |
(I'll stick 'em together)
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
No, Kenny, you can't. There must be some other way!
He's going to make the connection himself, with his hands.
|
| Kyle: |
No, he'll die!!
|
| Cartman: |
Go, Kenny!
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Kenny! Nnnoooooo!
|
| Kenny: |
(Good-bbyyyyee-ugh.)
|
| Stan: |
Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
|
| Kyle: |
You bastard! [the lights stabilize]
|
| Chef: |
The power! [Kenny's sacrificial act has worked!]
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Quickly! Get the scanner running again! [the scanner is
brought in] We've got a chance now!
|
|
[The fifth day, the White
House. Liane has bedded her way up to the President, and she's in bed
with him now.]
|
| Clinton: |
Well, okay, Mrs. Cartman, I'll legalize 40th trimester
abortions for you. |
| Liane: |
[relieved and joyful] Oh, thank you, thank you.
|
| Clinton: |
We'll have the pregnancy terminated immediately. [Her
eyes widen]
|
| Liane: |
[pulls back] Terminated?
|
| Clinton: |
Why yes, that's what an abortion is.
|
| Liane: |
Oh no uh- I didn't mean that. I meant the other thing
you can do-what's that other A word?
|
| Clinton: |
Adoption?
|
| Liane: |
Yess, that's what I mean. Adoption.
|
| Clinton: |
Well, that's- pretty different.
|
| Liane: |
Oh, I should tell my son the truth about everything
myself. Good day, Mr. President. [quickly leaves the bed]
|
|
[The fifth day. Colorado
sunrise]
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Well, we made it. The power is on, the snow is melting,
and your friend Mephesto is doing fine.
|
| Mephesto: |
[just now coming to] Where… where am I?
|
| Chef: |
You're at the hospital, Mr. Mephesto. You were shot.
Noww, we don't know who tried to shoot you, but-
|
| Mephesto: |
Ohh. I'm sure it was my brother again. He tries to
shoot me every month.
|
| Chef: |
Ooohhh.
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Where's the little fat boy? He'll be delighted that
Mephesto's awake.
|
| Chef: |
He went off looking for Mr. Kenny.
|
|
[Outside, Stan, Kyle, and
Cartman are at the generator. I guess the raptors have left.]
|
| Stan: |
He was a good friend, and I'll miss him.
|
| Kyle: |
He was very brave. He risked his life so that Mephesto
could live.
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah. And now he's a freezy-pop. [Kenny is shown iced
over, and the boys simply stare]
|
| Stan: |
[to Kyle] Dude! D'you think if we hit him with a
shovel, he'd shatter?
|
| Kyle: |
I don't know. Let's find out.
|
|
["Ave Maria" begins to
play. Jimbo is the first to shovel his way out of the studio. Garrison
follows, then Ned, then the Mayor, then…]
|
| Garrison: |
Ohh. It's over! We're free!
|
| Barbrady: |
Yes, but at what cost, Mr. Garrison? At what cost?
|
| Jimbo: |
Listen, everybody. We did what we had to in there.
|
| Mayor: |
But- hhhow will we live with ourselves now?
|
| Ned: |
Mm-one day at a time, Mayor. Mm-one day at a time.
|
| Singer: |
[A la Aaron Neville] Ave Maria… [the camera
pulls back, and back…]
|
| Garrison: |
Well I'm bringing home some Eric Roberts in a doggie
bag-does anybody else want some?
|
|
[the hospital. Mephesto
is recuperating, and Kevin is back at his side. All the possible
fathers are present, including the Denver Broncos]
|
| Mephesto: |
I'm glad that you could all come. I
can finally reveal who the father of Eric Cartman is. But first, I want
to thank Kenny McCormick for sacrificing his life-
|
| Cartman: |
Just tell us already!
|
| Mephesto: |
Alright alright. The father of
Eric Cartman is… Say, did anbody see that Terrance and
Phillip special
last month? Wasn't that just the funniest thing-
|
| Cartman: |
[boiling] Dammit!! Tell me who my father is already!!
|
| Mephesto: |
Oh. As I said before, the father is somebody in this
room. The father is… Mrs. Cartman. [all gasp]
|
| Chef: |
What???
|
| Liane: |
[back with her cookies] Yes, it's true.
|
| Garrison: |
Noo, that doesn't make sense!
|
| Mephesto: |
Yes. It took quite a while for me to understand as
well. You see, Mrs. Cartman is a hermaphrodite. [she looks guilty]
|
| Garrison: |
Uh-meaning what?
|
| Mephesto: |
Meaning that she has both male and female genitals.
|
| Liane: |
It's true.
|
| Chef: |
You mean, at the Drunken Barn Dance, when we all got
together with her, she was a he?!
|
| Mephesto: |
No no, not exactly. But she did have a penis. [Ned,
Barbrady, and Chef vomit. The rest just cup their mouths. Gerald is
shocked]
The fact of the matter is, hermaphrodites cannot bear children, so Mrs.
Cartman's DNA match with Eric can only mean that she is his father, and
she got another woman pregnant at the Drunken Barn Dance.
|
| Cartman: |
Ugh. Man, this is fuckin' weak.
|
| Stan: |
Dude! You're a big fatass, and your mom's a
hermapholite!
|
| Liane: |
I'm sorry I never told you, Eric. [Eric and Stan look
up at her] I just thought, mmaybe it would be a little shocking to you.
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, wow, gee whiz, you think so, Mom?!
|
| Mephesto: |
Well, that's that. Thank you all for playing.
|
| Cartman: |
No no, wait a minute! If… if she's my dad,
then… who's my mom?!
|
| Announcer 1: |
Who is Eric Cartman's mother? Is it- Mrs. Crabtree?
Sheila Broflovski? The Mayor?
|
| Cartman: |
Ooohhh, forget it!! [Stan moves off]
|
|
[End of Cartman's Mom's Still A Dirty Slut] |
