|
[South Park Elementary, in
front. Garrison and the class stand next to a colorful bus]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Okay, children. Each of you gets to choose two books
from the Booktastic Bus.
|
| Cartman: |
[to Kyle] Reading sucks ass!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Eric, shut up! [Eric looks up]
|
|
[Inside the bus. The kids mill
around and start browsing]
|
| Kyle: |
Boring. Boring. Gay. Boring. Boring.
|
| Stan: |
[at the next stack] Hey you guys. Check out these
books. [they come over] Sabrina Unchained.
|
| Kyle: |
Wow, these books look cool!
|
|
[Cartman smiles. Here's what they see] |
| Cartman: |
Hey, there's a lot of big words in these books.
|
| Kenny: |
(There's a lot of fuckin' vaginas and penises)
|
| Bus Driver: |
[stops by] Hello, kids. I see you're discovering the
magic of reading. [he is wearing a blue suit, with rainbow shirt and
cape, and looks a bit like Albert Einstein]
|
| Kyle: |
Who are you?
|
| Bus Driver: |
I drive the Booktastic Bus, where magic
begins. You see, reading opens up whole new worlds to you. You can take
a canoe down the Amazon. Or go back in time to Camelot. Or become a
race car driver. All by just opening a book. Just like magic. The magic
of reading.
|
| Cartman: |
[irritated] Gosh, shut up, dude.
|
| Bus Driver: |
Go ahead and pick any books you like. Then give in.
Give in to the magic of reading! [floats away]
|
| Stan: |
[to Kyle] If we read, are we gonna become like that
guy?
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah, this is stupid! Books aren't magical. [tosses his
book away]
|
| Cartman: |
I don't know, I'm kinda getting a tingly feeling
looking at these. [A man and woman are kissing on the cover of his
chosen book. Off in the distance a chicken clucks and a farmer shrieks]
|
| Kenny: |
(Hey, what's that?)
|
| Stan: |
I don't know. Let's go see. [they drop their books and
exit the bus. Cartman is glued to his]
|
|
[Here's a show within a show:
an episode of COPS shown in real time along with South Park]
|
| Barbrady: |
Well,
being an officer of the peace means a lot of things. It's a hard job,
but then I'm a hard man. A lot of people think that in a small town
there isn't a lot for the law to do. Well, they're wrong.
|
| Dispatcher 1: |
All units. All units. Report to 254 Avenue de los
Mexicanos. Possible hostile situation.
|
| Barbrady: |
[puts his siren light up on the dashboard] There, you
see? This could be a bank robbery. Or possibly even a murder! This
ain't no podunk little town!
|
| Dispatcher: |
And, Barbrady? Your wife called: she wants you to get
some pizza on the way home.
|
| Barbrady: |
Gad-dammit!
|
|
[A crowd has gathered
at the site of the incident, across the street from the school. The
boys are there, front and center. Officer Barbrady pulls up with the
COPS film crew, and his siren light is now on the car roof.] |
| Barbrady: |
Okay, people, move along. There's nothing to see here.
[to the rancher] What's the trouble, where's the body?
|
| Rancher: |
Barbrady. I just caught some guy in here having sex
with one of my chickens
|
| Barbrady: |
[says nothing as the crew films him, then] Huuuuh, oh.
[the chicken doesn't seem traumatized one bit]
|
| Woman: |
O my God, that's disgusting!
|
| Stan: |
Whoa, dude! How do you have sex with a chicken?
|
| Barbrady: |
Wuuh, boys, move along. This isn't for young eyes to
see. [to the rancher] Did you get a good look at the suspect?
|
| Rancher: |
Noaw, I didn't see anything. It just happened so fast.
|
| Barbrady: |
Wellll uh, this is quite interesting, huh guys?
|
| Cameraman: |
Uuh, we're gonna go grab some lunch and maybe get some
shots of those turtles down at the pond. [the crew leaves]
|
| Barbrady: |
Haw, camel poo!
|
| Stan: |
Hey what's this? [picks up a sheet of paper]
|
| Kyle: |
It looks like a note.
|
| Barbrady: |
Give me that! [takes the note] That's a clue, and
you'll get your stinking DNA all over it!
|
| Rancher: |
[coming over] What does it say?
|
| Barbrady: |
Uuh. It says, uuh, 'sorry I had sex with the chicken. I won't do it
again. Bye-bye.' Well, there you have it. Case closed.
|
| Rancher: |
Dammit, Barbrady, what the hell's
wrong with you? Every time somethin' happens in this town, you say
'Nothin' to see here,' and 'Case closed.' But we want justice. We have
to find this sicko!
|
| Barbrady: |
I said, return to your homes. Before I start arresting
people.
|
| Rancher: |
For what? Orderly conduct?
|
| Barbrady: |
How about fishing without a license?
|
| Rancher: |
I'm not fishin'.
|
| Barbrady: |
Whataya call this then? [pulls out a fishing rod from
somewhere] If you don't comply, I'll be forced to execute each and
every one of you [pulls out a gun] by gunshot to the head! [the crowd
quickly disperses, the boys remain] That's right! Return to your simple
lives. [puts his gun away] Just forget this ever happened. FORGET.
[moves off, leaving the boys with the chicken] FORGET.
|
| Kyle: |
Wow. Barbrady sure is acting weird.
|
| Stan: |
Yeah. I wonder what's wrong.
|
|
[The patrol car.
Barbrady gets in and looks at the note again. The letters become
unintelligible symbols. He starts up the car and throws the note away.
He stops at a stop sign, and its letters turn into oriental symbols. He
drives on and ends up at Fran's]
|
| Teller: |
Welcome to Fran's. Can I help you? [the letters in the
board above the speaker are jumbled as they are, but they start
whirling around, and Barbrady is speechless] Sir, can I help you?
|
| Barbrady: |
[the letters A, C, K, R, and U stop and start laughing
at him] Uuuh, just give me two cheeseburgers and some jalapeno poppers.
|
| Teller: |
Sir, there's just one problem.
|
| Barbrady: |
What's that?
|
| Teller: |
We're a bank. [the board is back to normal] |
| Barbrady: |
I know that, smartypants! What do you think: I'm some
kinda idiot?
|
| Teller: |
Yes.
|
| Barbrady: |
Hmmm. [drives away] I can't go on living this lie!
|
| Anchor: |
With chicken after chicken being
violated, the South Park police are under increasing pressure to solve
the case of the Chickenfucker. We now go live to a press conference
where Officer Barbrady and the Mayor are fielding questions.
|
| Reporter 1: |
Officer Barbrady, what would drive a man to such a
disgusting act?
|
| Barbrady: |
Well, nobody can say for sure, but no motive has yet
been established.
|
| Reporter 2: |
Do the police have any leads?
|
| Barbrady: |
Welluh, both 3-D computer modeling and intensive
seismology have not given us any leads as of yet.
|
| Reporter 3: |
But has Chickenfucker left any clues at the crime-?
|
| Barbrady: |
All right, all right! I can't
read! [the room falls silent and the reporter sits down] There, I said
it! I can't read! Are you happy now? You pushed and you pushed, and now
you all know my terrible secret! I'm illegitimate! I'm not fit to be a
policeman! I retire! [removes his badge and leaves the room]
|
| Press Coordinator: |
Okay, thank you all for coming. There's uuh, coffee and
brownies out front.
|
| Anchor: |
And so Officer Barbrady has taken a
leave of absence, and South Park would have to manage- without any
police force for a while whe- [a note wrapped around a brick crashes
onto the anchor desk and the anchor gets the note] This just in! South
Park is plunged into total anarchy! [a camera pans across the rioting]
Exactly two seconds after the retirement of Officer Barbrady, looting
and pillaging erupted in the quiet mountain town! [a man comes and
takes away the symbol in the inset. Another man takes the 4.]
|
|
[On the street, two men use a third as a
battering ram and throw him into the electronics store through the big
display window. He gets up and helps the other two take the big-screen
TV away. Several people have looted beer and drink as fast as they can.
A red car crashes into a yellow building. Here and there people are
screaming]
|
| Looter 1: |
Whoopee, this is killer!
|
| Looter 2: |
With no cops around, we can do whatever we want!
|
|
[The boys are at a corner when
someone runs by with a boom box. Kenny is closest to the corner]
|
| Stan: |
Whoa, dude. What's going on?
|
| Kyle: |
I don't know. [Next to Kenny, two people are trying to
turn car over. They succeed, and]
|
| Stan: |
Oh my God, they've killed-! [Kenny opens the door and
steps out, dusting himself off] No, never mind. [the car had a sunroof]
|
|
[The Mayor is watching
all this from her office. Automatic weapons fire is heard as a woman
screams, but the street before her window is clear of any commotion.]
|
| Mayor: |
I don't believe it. All this time, Barbrady actually did
keep this town peaceful.
|
| Aide 1: |
Who knew? I always thought he was a complete idiot.
|
| Mayor: |
He is.
|
|
[the press breaks in and rushes the Mayor's desk. More
questions, but one stands out]
|
| Reporter 3: |
Mayor, what do you plan to do about the South Park
riots?
|
| Mayor: |
No reason for concern. I want to assure all of you that
Officer Barbrady is still our active police force.
|
| Reporter 3: |
But he's illiterate. What do you plan to do?
|
| Mayor: |
Uuuuhhhh, plan? I don't actually have a-
|
| Aide 2: |
Reading classes, plain and simple. By
the mayor's order, Officer Barbrady is on temporary leave of absence to
learn to read. Effective immediately.
|
| Mayor: |
Yes, that's right. It's back to school with Officer
Barbrady! [cameras snap away]
|
|
[South Park Elementary.
There's someone new…]
|
| Garrison: |
Now, children, we have a new student joining us today.
Please say 'hi' to Officer Barbrady. [silence]
|
| Stan: |
I can't see, dude!
|
| Garrison: |
Okay now, since our focus has been on reading, let's
review some of the basics. [Barbrady raises his hand] E-yes, what is
it?
|
| Barbady: |
I need to go poopies.
|
| Garrison: |
[pause] Officer Barbrady, in school we go to the
bathroom before and after class.
|
| Barbady: |
Oh, Christ. How do you kids do it?
|
| Garrison: |
Ha- does anyone have any suggestions where we should
begin with Officer Barbrady?
|
| Kyle: |
How about a brain transplant? [Barbrady raises his
eyebrows]
|
| Garrison: |
Now, Kyle, let's be supportive of
our new student, give him the nurturing environment he needs to thrive.
Now, I'm gonna write a sentence and I want us all to help Officer
Barbrady read it. [Stan struggles to see what Garrison is writing]
Give it a shot, Officer Barbrady.
|
| Barbrady: |
Aaah. Oooooh. Ooooh.
|
| Garrison: |
Bzzzt! Wroong! Try again, dumbass! Hahahahahahaha
[slaps his thigh], hahahaha. [wipes his forehead] Okay okay. Maybe we
should try something a little easier. We can work our way up to the
hard ones. [turns around and writes something more on the board] Go
ahead, Barbrady, don't be scared. |
| Barbrady: |
Aaah. Oooooh.
|
| Garrison: |
Bzzzt drrrrr! Did you hear that, Mr. Hat?
|
| Mr. Hat: |
I sure did, Mr. Garrison. What a retard! [Garrison
starts laughing uncontrollably]
|
| Barbrady: |
Did you kids actually learn how to read this way?
|
| Stan: |
No, we just fake it to shut him up.
|
| Garrison: |
Okayheh, okay hi'm sohry. I'm sohry heh. Let's try
again.
|
|
[The chicken coop. The
chickens are clucking away when the door creaks open. A silhouette
appears]
|
| Intruder: |
So, what are nice chickens like you doing in a coop
like this? [he grabs a chicken and…]
|
|
[South Park Elementary, back
in class]
|
| Garrison: |
Now, children, I hope you all had a good time reading your books and
are prepared for your book reports.
|
| Cartman: |
[squirms in his seat and whispers] God-dammit.
|
| Garrison: |
Who should we have go first, Mr. Hat? Let's
see…
|
| Cartman: |
[in falsetto] Oh. How about Stan? Or Kyle?
|
| Garrison: |
Eric, why don't you go first?
|
| Cartman: |
Oooaaagh.
|
| Garrison: |
What's the matter, Eric? Are you not prepared again?
|
| Cartman: |
I'm prepared! [gets up and walks to the chalkboard,
then faces the class] For my book report, I read "The Lion, The Witch,
and the Wardrobe." It was very very good. Have you read it, Mr.
Garrison?
|
| Garrison: |
No, I can't say that I have.
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, good. In "The Lion, The Witch,
and the Wardrobe," a bunch of uh, hippies, walk around and paint stuff.
They eat lunch, and then they find a magical…
camel… which they have to
eat to stay alive. And that's pretty much it. I give it a 'B-.'
|
| Garrison: |
And I give you an 'F,' Eric, now sit down!
|
| Cartman: |
God- dammit! [the kids start laughing at him]
|
| Barbrady: |
Haa haa. Ha ha ha.
|
| Garrison: |
Okay, Officer Barbrady, why don't you give us your book
report?
|
| Barbrady: |
[rises and goes to the board, then faces tha class]
I've just finished reading the heartwarming novel, "Go Dog Go." I found
it a compelling and disturbing look at the canine psyche. If I may read
a passage: 'Big… dog…, little… dog.'
[turns the page] 'A red
dog… on a…' Well, anyway, I'm not one to give
away the ending, but I
will say that it spirals toward an incredible twist-turn that parallels
my own life. |
| Garrison: |
Thank you, Officer Barbrady. That was a very good book
report indeed. I'll give you an "A."
|
| Barbrady: |
Hooray!
|
| Cartman: |
[miffed] Goody two shoes!
|
|
[The Playground. The
camera pans across the playground. It passes the kid with the aviator
cap holding a Blue Mega Man, Bebe and Clyde on the hobby elephants, the
boys passing a ball amongst themselves, and stops at the swings.
Barbrady swings between Kenny and the red-haired girl]
|
| Barbrady: |
Swingset, Swingset, up and down I go
'Whossh!' goes the willy-wind, flowing through my toes.
[Kyle looks looks back at Barbrady]
|
| Stan: |
Dude! I think Barbrady enjoys being in school a little
too much!
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. Isn't he just supposed to be learning how to
read?
|
| Barbrady: |
Swingset, Swingset, up and down I go…
|
| Mayor: |
[arrives with her aides] Officer Barbrady. What are you
doing?! [he quickly gets off the swing, but in so doing he stresses the
set and launches Kenny…]
|
| Kenny: |
(Aaaaaa.) […into the brick wall at the other
end of the yard] (Oooogh.)
|
| Stan: |
Oh my God! They've killed-!
|
| Kenny: |
(Hey.)
|
| Stan: |
Oh, never mind [smiles]
|
| Mayor: |
Well, how's the reading coming along?
|
| Barbrady: |
[wringing his hands] Oooh, pretty good.
|
| Mayor: |
Barbrady, we really need you to speed this up. The
Chickenfucker struck again last night.
|
| Kyle: |
Oh no! [the boys gasp]
|
| Barbrady: |
Ah mayor, please, when we're around children we prefer
to call him the Chickenlover.
|
| Aide 2: |
This time he made love to Carla Weathers' prize
chicken. She's catatonic.
|
| Barbrady: |
Who? Carla Weathers or the chicken?
|
| Mayor: |
The perpetrator left this clue at the crime scene.
[hands it to Barbrady, who looks it over]
|
| Barbrady: |
Oh I can't read this. It has silent E's.
|
| Mayor: |
[throttling him] You have to learn to read faster,
Barbrady!
|
| Barbrady: |
I'm doing the best I can. I even got a 'A' on my book
report.
|
| Mayor: |
Llisten, buddy! Either you learn to read quick, or else
I'm gonna find a law officer to replace you forever! [leaves with her
aides. Aide 1 takes the ball from the boys and pops it.]
|
| Aide 2 |
Hey, what'd you do that for?
|
| Aide 1 |
Uh just dramatic effect, sorry. [they leave]
|
| Barbady: |
Oh boy, I'm in big trouble. [the boys surround him]
I'll never learn to read fast enough, and the town is in chaos.
|
| Stan: |
It's cool, dude. We'll help you.
|
| Barbady: |
Hey, that's right. You can help me. Under Article 39,
Section 2 of Police Code, I'm allowed to deputize citizens in a time of
crisis.
|
| Cartman: |
Really? I wanna be a cop.
|
| Barbady: |
You boys will be my deputies. You can help me restore
order, catch the Chickenlover, and swing me on the swing set. [this
last idea he likes a lot]
|
| Cartman: |
Do I get a night stick?
|
| Barbady: |
Sure! Night sticks for everybody! [hands his night
stick to Cartman, who smiles] You keep a tab on crime in the city, and
we'll try to solve the Chickenlover case.
|
| Cartman: |
10-4, sergeant! [walks off]
|
| Barbady: |
Now, what did that clue say again?
|
| Stan: |
'If you want to know where I'll strike next, read
"Bumbly Wumbly and the Spotted Spacecraft"'
|
| Barbady: |
To the Booktastic Bus, deputies! We haven't a moment to
spare!
|
| Stan, Kyle, Kenny: |
Hooray!
|
|
[The Booktastic Bus]
|
| Bus Driver: |
Good day friends. Welcome to the magical world of
reading.
|
| Barbrady: |
We need a copy of "Bumbly Wumbly and the Spotted
Spacecraft" right away!
|
| Bus Driver: |
Ooooh, that's a very magical book, full of wondrous-
|
| Barbrady: |
Aw, just give us the damn book, fruitcake! [the bus
driver retrieves the book and hands it to Barbrady. He opens it]
|
| Kyle: |
What's it say?
|
| Barbrady: |
It says, 'Mmmuh mmmuuh…' Uh, what's this
word? [points out to Stan]
|
| Stan: |
I
|
| Barbrady: |
Oh yeah. 'I… mmuh mmuh'
|
| Kyle: |
Here, give me that. [takes the book] 'I am Bumbly
Wumbly. I live in the pond.'
|
| Stan: |
A pond. Hey, maybe that means Stark's Pond.
|
| Barbrady: |
That's quick thinking, deputy. Let's get to Stark's
Pond immediately!
|
|
[Downtown. The streets
are desolate, and only the sound of a bike is heard. Suddenly, Eric
pops over a low hill on his Big Wheel tricycle and goes down Main
Street. The bike has been souped up with a motorcycle windshield and
signal lights. Shades appear on his eyes. A car passes by him, and he
pursues it. He activates his siren.]
|
| Cartman: |
Ey!
|
|
[the driver sees him in the rear view
mirror and pulls over. He gets off his bike, comes to the door, and
taps the driver-side window with the night stick. The driver turns and
lowers the window: it's Stan's father, Randy Marsh]
|
| Randy: |
Uuuh yes officer?
|
| Cartman: |
Ii clocked you at 40 mph back there. Do you know what
the speed limit is heawh?
|
| Randy: |
Well, according to that sign right there, it's 40 mph.
[yep]
|
| Cartman: |
Step out of the car, please, sir.
|
| Randy: |
Wait a second. Aren't you Stan's little friend? |
| Cartman: |
[slower] Sir, step out of the car, please.
|
| Randy: |
[steps out] Yeah. You're the one who always plugs up
the toilet at our house.
|
| Cartman: |
Ey! I am a cop, and you will respect my authoritah!
|
| Randy: |
Yeah, right. You'd better get back to school, little
boy. [Cartman swings at his shins and connects with a grunt] Ow!
|
| Cartman: |
Get your ass to jail! [continues to swat him on the
legs with the baton]
|
| Randy: |
Ow! Hey, what the hell are you doing? You can't do
that! Ah- ow! Ah- ow! Ow!
|
| Cartman: |
[getting carried away] Sweet!
|
| Randy: |
Ooww!
|
|
[Stark's Pond. A crowd is
gathered at the crime scene. The chicken is fluttering about. Barbrady
arrives with Stan and Kyle]
|
| Barbrady: |
Oh, weak, dude! We're too late!
|
| Stan: |
Well, the chickens don't seem to really mind.
|
| Priest: |
Well, this is terrible! Now, who would have sex with a
chicken?!
|
| Halfy: |
[mischievously] I would!! [everyone looks at him]
|
| Garrison: |
Aw, you couldn't screw anything, Halfy. You don't have
any legs!
|
| Halfy: |
Oh. Yeah. [moves away on his fists]
|
| Priest: |
Have some respect for people's feelings, would you,
Halfy?!
|
| Barbrady: |
Come on, dudes. We need to look for another clue.
|
| Kyle: |
[finds it and holds it high in the air] Here! Here, I
found one!
|
| Stan: |
What's it say? What's it say?
|
| Kyle: |
[reads it] It says, 'Read Teetle, The Timid Ta- Taa- eh
Taxi-' What's this word?
|
| Barbrady: |
[taking the note] Ta- tah- Taagzuh, Taxi-dermist
[everybody cheers] I read it! I read it all by myself! [grins]
|
| Halfy: |
[doing flips] Hooray, yeah! Wooo!
|
|
[South Park at night. Cartman
is doing a segment for COPS]
|
| Dispatcher 2: |
Five George is in route to 496 Broad Wasteland-
|
| Cartman: |
Aw, I've been working this beat for about three days
now.
I gues you have to…have pretty thick skin or else these
people just walk all over you. [the camera checks out traffic]
Sometimes you have to go undercover to get the worst of them.
[Cartman is standing around, dressed in a hot-pink dress and fishnets.
A car stops] |
| Driver: |
[winking] Hi there, little lady.
|
| Cartman: |
Well, hi there, uh. [lowers his shades and bats his
eyelids] Wha- what are you doing tonight?
|
| Driver: |
Well, hopefully spending some time with you, gorgeous.
Is $20 enough?
|
| Cartman: |
Twen- Step out of the car, please.
|
| Driver: |
What. Oh oh uh is this a bust?
|
| Cartman: |
[displays his badge] Sir. Uhstep out of the car.
|
| Driver: |
[stepping out] Hey, wait a minute. You're just a kid!
|
| Cartman: |
[pulls out his baton] Maybe this'll teach you to listen
to authoritah. [starts beating him on the shins]
|
| Driver: |
Ow! Oo-uhow! Ow! Hey, man, what are you doing?! Ow,
stop it!
|
| Cartman: |
[exhales, then] Yeup. Sometimes upholding the law is
messy. But you get by. One day at a time. |
|
[Outside South Park Library.
Three people walk by with looted stuff]
|
| Looter 3: |
Got the TV.
|
| Looter 4: |
Shh. Come on!
|
|
[Inside, the camera zooms in
on Barbrady]
|
| Barbrady: |
[reading from the book] Tee-tle the timid
taxidermist… loves… to… Oh, Goddamn,
reading is lame!
|
| Kyle: |
[arriving with Stan] How's it goin', dude?
|
| Barbrady: |
Terrible! I give up! I'm not fit to be a cop!
Booohoohoohoohoo, booohoohoohoohoo.
|
| Stan: |
Come on, dude, it's not that hard!
|
| Barbrady: |
It is, too!
|
| Kyle: |
Just read the sentence.
|
| Barbrady: |
Teetle the timid taxidermist loves to go to the pet-
pet-
|
| Kyle: |
Come on, dumbass, you can do it!
|
| Barbrady: |
Pet- wait a minute. [recalls Garrison]
|
| Garrison: |
Conjugate the verb. Conjugate the verb.
|
| Mr. Hat: |
Yes. Conjugate the verb.
|
| Barbrady: |
Pet-ting. Petting zoo. He loved to go to the petting
zoo! Boys, we're off!
|
| Dispatcher 3: |
All units. All units. Five-twelve at 635 Avenue de los
Mexicanos. Request assistance. [the siren goes on]
|
|
[Kenny's hosue. Cartman
arrives and jumps off the bike, makes his way to the front door, and
knocks. Mr. McCormick opens the door. Another segment for COPS]
|
| Cartman: |
Sir, could you step out of the car, please?
|
| Mr. McCormick: |
We're fine, officer. [sips]
|
| Cartman: |
Anduuh who's, who's in here with you?
|
| Mr. McCormick: |
Just me and my wife and my brother. And my wife's
cousin and his son and my brother's girlfriend and our two kids- [one
of them is Kenny]
|
| Kenny: |
(Hi, Cartman.)
|
| Mr. McCormick: |
-and my brother's girlfriend's mother, and this guy Bob
who I met last year.
|
| Cartman: |
[to the camera] Poor people tend tooo live in clusters.
|
| Mr. McCormick: |
[takes a swig of beer] What? What did you say?
|
| Cartman: |
Nothing- now, sir, is there some kind of uh-
|
| Mrs. McCormick: |
I want him out of my house! He ain't worth a shit! He
cain't even hold a fuckin' job!
|
| Mr. McCormick: |
Shut up, bitch!
|
| Cartman: |
Okay okay, let's try to watch the language: there's
children present heuh.
|
| Mrs. McCormick: |
He is a lazy-ass motherfucker!
|
| Mr. McCormick: |
Look what she did to my fuckin' eye.
|
| Mrs. McCormick: |
I'll do it again!! [kicks him in the ass and continues
hitting him. Kenny just laughs at the sight]
|
| Kenny and his brother: |
Eh-Mom hit Dad again! [both then continue laughing at
them]
|
| Cartman: |
Now, thee first thing to do in domestic disturbance
calls like this one is to just calm everybody down. Respect my
authoriteh! [jumps up and knocks Mrs. McCormick down, then Mr.
McCormick. He then concentrates on Mr. McCormick]
|
| Kenny: |
(God-dammit, Cartman!)
|
| Mr. McCormick: |
Aagh!
|
| Dispatcher 1: |
All units. All units. We have a 5-20 on the suspect.
Report to the South Park Petting Zoo immediately!
|
| Cartman: |
[stops] Chickenlover!
|
|
[The petting zoo. The school
kids mill among the animals]
|
| Barbardy: |
Keep your eyes peeled, boys. Somebody's gonna make love
to this chicken any minute. [she blushes]
|
| Stan: |
Maybe we were wrong about the clue.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. Maybe you read it wrong.
|
| Barbardy: |
Oh, no! [rustling is heard] Shhh! [they turn around. A
hand reaches down and plucks the bird away] Keep your eyes peeled!
[they turn around]
|
| Stan: |
Look! [feathers are flying out from behind a bush as
the bush moves around]
|
| Kyle: |
He's here!
|
| Barbrady: |
Grab him! [all three rush the bush]
|
|
[South Park downtown. Cartman
is racing towards the zoo.]
|
| Cartman: |
Dammit! Can't this thing go any faster?! [reaches for a
doughnut and bites into it.]
|
|
[The petting zoo.
Barbrady is wrestling the Chickenlover as Kenny arrives. Barbrady
finally gets his man. It seems to be the Booktastic Bus driver, and he
pulls out a pistol. As Barbrady takes it from him, it fires and hits
Kenny]
|
| Stan: |
[gasps] Oh my God, they've killed-!
|
| Kenny: |
[gets up] (Oh, it was only my jacket.)
|
| Stan: |
God dammit!
|
| Barbrady: |
I knew it was you all along, Richard Nixon!
|
| Stan: |
Aw, I think that's a mask, dude.
|
| Barbrady: |
Oh. [pulls off the mask. It's the driver, alright]
|
| Kyle: |
Whoa, dude! It's the bookmobile driver!
|
| Barbrady: |
Caught you red-handed!
|
| Bus Driver: |
Indeed you did! How did you know I would strike here?
|
| Barbrady: |
By reading "Teetle the Timid Taxidermist."
|
| Bus Driver: |
You did?! Really?! Then it worked! My whole plan worked
absolutely perfectly! [pleased]
|
| Stan: |
What are you talking about, dude?!
|
| Bus Driver: |
When I heard that Officer
Barbrady couldn't read, I knew I had to motivate him somehow. So I
formulated a plan to encourage him to learn the magic of reading!
|
| Kyle: |
So you fucked a bunch of chickens?
|
| Bus Driver: |
Yes! Yes exactly! Don't you see? Only by fucking
chickens could I get Officer Barbrady to become literate.
|
| Stan: |
That doesn't- make a whole- lot of sense, dude.
|
| Bus Driver: |
Oh no? He who was blind can now see! [no reaction from
the kids] I got Officer Brabrady to read. My plan worked perfectly.
|
| Barbrady: |
Well, I guess I should sayy 'Thanks?'
|
| Bus Driver: |
You're welcome. And now, my
reading friend, you've proven that you are ready for the big time. I
give you this hardback copy of "Atlas Shrugged," by Ayn Rand.
|
| Cartman: |
[rushing up] Wait! Put your hands in the air!
|
| Kyle: |
Cartman!
|
| Cartman: |
I got reports that the suspect is in this area!
|
| Kyle: |
Well, he is. It turns out that the bookmobile driver
here was the one making love to chickens.
|
| Cartman: |
AHA! [hits him with the baton]
|
| Bus Driver: |
Ah, that hurts!
|
| Stan: |
Whoa, dude!
|
| Kyle: |
Cartman!
|
| Babrady: |
[picks Cartman up and takes the baton from him] No, no,
that's not how you uphold the law! [puts him down]
|
| Cartman: |
Well, he is not listening to my authoritah!
|
| Babrady: |
Oooohb, oooh, you've got it all wrong, my little
friend. You do it like this: [paf]
|
| Bus Driver: |
[going down, squealing] Heee.
|
| Babrady: |
You've gotta get 'em in the head; they go down quicker.
|
| Cartman: |
[looks at the driver and removes his shades] Oooooh.
|
| Kyle: |
I guess you should leave police work to the
professionals, huh, Cartman?
|
| Babrady: |
Well anyway, I'm relieving you of your duties. I've
proved that I can read, and now I'm back on the job! [spins the
cylinder on his pistol]
|
| Stan, Kyle: |
Hooray! [Cartman watches as Barbrady leaves the petting
zoo]
|
| Stan: |
[calling to Barbrady] Hey! So what are you going to do
now?
|
| Babrady: |
Now? [turns around] Well, I-ee uh. I think I'll get in
the bathtub, and then curl up with a good book. [displays
the book for a moment, then holds up his right thumb for the camera to
see. The end credits begin to roll, but only the executive producer is
listed. The boys watch for a moment more, then walk off to the right.
The chicken just walks around pecking at the straw. A bunny hops across
the yard and a blonde girl chases after it]
|
|
[Newscast]
|
| Anchor: |
And so today South Park held a parade to honor Officer
Barbrady and his heroic work on the Chickenfucker case. [tape
is shown of the parade. Confetti is flying everywhere. The South Park
High School band is marching before Barbrady's car. He is in the car
with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman]
|
| Barbrady: |
Thank you, everybody. Thank you.
|
| Man in crowd: |
Speech! Speech!
|
| Barbrady: |
[lowers his arms] What?
|
| Stan: |
They want you to give a speech, Officer Barbrady. About
the whole experience over the last couple of days.
|
| Barbrady: |
Oh. Okay, uh. Well, first of all
I'd like to thank the town of South Park, the town that borne me, and
eventually will rob me of my life precious. [the town cheers]
|
| Man 2: |
Yeh!
|
| Barbrady: |
Second, I'd like to say to all
those out there who think they can screw chickens just to teach people
to read: your days are numbered! [more cheering] And finally, I'd like
to say that [enunciating] reading totally sucks ass!
|
| Stan, Kyle: |
Hooray!
|
| Barbrady: |
Yes, at first I was happy to be
learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical. But then I read
this: "Atlas Shrugged," by Ayn Rand.
I read every last word of this garbage, and because of this piece of
sh-shit I'm never reading again!
|
| Stan, Kyle: |
Hooray for Barbrady! [the crowd cheers again]
|
| Kyle: |
Wow! I guess reading really does suck ass!
|
| Cartman: |
Ey, that's what I've been saying all along, you guys.
|
| Stan: |
I'm just glad everything turned out okay, and Barbrady
got his job back.
|
| Kyle: |
It's poetic justice.
|
| Barbrady: |
[leaning forward] Thanks, boys.
|
|
[The end credits roll again, this time
normally. When the producer is listed, Kenny is shown in a clear area
behind the crowd. A tree falls, flattening him]
|
| Kenny: |
(Ow!)
|
|
[Blood oozes from under the tree. End credits continue,
showing more scenes from the parade. End of Chickenfucker] |
