|
[South Park Elementary Gym]
|
| Chef: |
Okay, children, it's Friday, and you know what that
means for PE class. We're gonna play dodgeball! [the class groans]
|
| Kyle: |
We don't wanna play dodgeball. It hurts.
|
| Stan: |
Yeah.
|
| Chef: |
So let's have half the children on this side [to his
right] and half the children on that side [to his left. Team 1 walks to
one side]
|
| Pip: |
[uncertain] Uuh. Excuse me a moment, gentlemen. I don't
believe I know how to play dodgeball.
|
| Cartman: |
[with Clyde and Stan looking on] What? Don't you have
dodgeball in France?
|
| Pip: |
Well, no. And actually, I'm not from France-
|
| Stan: |
Look, Pip, the rules are simple. A kid from that team
is gonna try to bean a kid on our team in the head with a big red ball.
|
| Pip: |
Oh, dear.
|
| Stan: |
If the ball hits you, you're out, but if you catch the
ball, he's out, and the last team to still have anybody standing wins.
|
| Pip: |
Oh, what jolly good fun!
|
| Kyle: |
No it isn't, it hurts! I can't believe they let us play
this in school.
|
|
[The teams are as follows:
Team 1: Kyle, Clyde, Kenny, Stan, Cartman, Pip, Jordan, Swanson, and
one other
Team 2: Bill, Fosse, Kevin, Bebe, and five others]
|
| Chef: |
[blows his whistle] Play ball! [Kevin takes the ball
and chucks it at Stan's team. It hits Clyde]
|
| Clyde: |
Ow! Ahow-ow-ooooowww!
|
| Stan: |
Dammit, we lost one already!
|
| Chef: |
Aheeheh, you're out, Clyde! Heheheh.
|
| Stan: |
Jordan, Swanson, pull forward! We need backup! [Kevin
throws again, and it hits Jordan]
|
| Jordan: |
Aaaaah!
|
| Stan: |
We're losing men fast out here! [he
and Kyle jump out of the way as the ball sails towards the unnamed
teammate. The guy falls and the ball returns to the opposing team]
|
| Chef: |
[giggling] Concentrate on your ge-hame! Be the
buhaw-hall! [Kevin serves again, and Kyle looks away as it comes
towards him.]
|
| Kyle: |
[finds the ball in his hands] I caught it! I caught it!
|
| Chef: |
Great catch, Kyle! Now your team's on offense!
|
| Kyle: |
Here, Pip. You throw. [tosses the ball to him]
|
| Pip: |
[catches it] Ugh. On, no, I couldn't.
|
| Kyle: |
Come on, limey, don't be a wuss! Are you just gonna be
a little French pig your whole life?
|
| Pip: |
I'm not French-
|
| Kyle: |
Throw the ball, you stupid frog! [Pip sets up]
God-damn, maybe if you didn't eat all those croissants [angered, Pip
zipz the ball at him], you'd be able to thr-ow! [he falls]
|
| Chef: |
Okay, that was pretty good, Pip. But you're supposed to
hit the kids on the other team.
|
| Kyle: |
Ow, my nose! You broke my nose!
|
| Cartman: |
Damn, Pip. I didn't know you had it in you.
|
| Pip: |
Ogh! I'm dreadfully sorry!
|
| Chef: |
That nose is bleeding pretty bad, Kyle. I think you
might have to go to the nurse's office. [fear strikes the kids]
|
| Kyle: |
[gasp] No. No, it'll be okay!
|
| Chef: |
Sorry, son. You'll have to let the nurse look at it.
Come on [takes him by the hand]
|
| Kyle: |
Oh. Noooo!
|
| Cartman: |
[ominously] Dude! He's going to the nurse's office.
|
| Clyde: |
I heard the school nurse is hideously deformed.
|
| Bebe: |
I heard she has tentacles and eats children for lunch.
|
| Cartman: |
Stan? Has anybody actually seen the nurse, and come
back to tell about it?
|
| Stan: |
[somberly] No, Cartman. Nobody ever has.
|
|
[Nurse's Office. Kyle's
shadow is on the window. He waits with his hand on his nose. He sees a
mouse nibble at some cheese and run away. He looks up, and a door
epens.]
[Kyle looks and shuts his eyes tight] |
| Nurse Gollum: |
Are you Kyle Broflovski? [she sounds friendly, but her
shadow falls on him]
|
| Kyle: |
Ye-yes.
|
| Nurse Gollum: |
I'm the school nurse. Did you hurt your nose?
|
| Kyle: |
Ye- yes.
|
| Nurse Gollum: |
Young man, Why do you have your eyes closed? I'm not
gonna hurt you.
|
| Kyle: |
I know.
|
| Nurse Gollum: |
So open them. [she walks to her left]
|
| Kyle: |
[resists, then opens them] Oh. [glad she's not as
hideous as he thought. She's pretty] Phew.
|
| Nurse Gollum: |
Now, what seems to be the problem?
|
| Kyle: |
Aw, I just hit my nose playing dodgeball.
|
| Nurse Gollum: |
Oh. Well, I'll get you an ice pack. [she turns to face
him, and a withered fetus comes into view. It is joined to her left
temple and upper cheek.]
|
| Kyle: |
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
|
| Nurse Gollum: |
What?
|
| Kyle: |
OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH my God!
|
| Nurse Gollum: |
Oh. I see you've noticed my disorder. I have a
stillborn fetus growth attached to my head.
|
| Kyle: |
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
|
|
[After school, at Kyle's
house. The boys are there to listen to Kyle's story]
|
| Kyle: |
…And when she moved up and down, the little
fetus jiggled.
|
| The Others: |
Eewwww!
|
| Cartman: |
Did it talk? The little fetus, did it talk?
|
| Kyle: |
No. No-it looked dead.
|
| The Others: |
Eewwww!
|
| Stan: |
Wa- was it wearing clothes?
|
| Kyle: |
[oops] Dude, where is she gonna get fetus clothes?
|
| Stan: |
Oh, yeah. Eeww.
|
| The Others: |
Eewwww!
|
| Kyle: |
And then she walked over to-
|
| Sheila: |
Kyle! That is enough! I've been reading up on your poor
nurse's condition, and it is nothing to be made fun of. It's called
'conjoined twin myslexia!' |
| Cartman: |
Who the hell cares what it's called, as long as she
doesn't have to touch me.
|
| Sheila: |
Now, that's just the kind of unawareness that we need
to fight against. Sit down, boys. [they hop on the sofa. She sits in
the middle and opens the book. Softly, she reads]
You see boys, sometimes, when babies are born, they're born as twins.
But sometimes the twins get hooked together, and they're born as Siamese
twins. [a picture of two adults attached by the side of the head is
shown]
|
| The Boys |
Gross!
|
| Sheila: |
But sometimes, after the Siamese
twins are joined together, one of the twins dies before birth. The
living baby is born with the dead baby still attached. [Stan is
frightened] Sometimes, this dead twin is inside the living person, so
even you could have a dead twin inside you and not even know it! [now,
Cartman is frightened. He and Stan rush out of there]
|
| Stan: |
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
|
| Cartman: |
AAAAA! Let me live! AAAAA!
|
| Sheila: |
So now that you're educated about her disease, you
won't need to make fun of her. Right, bubbe?
|
| Kyle: |
Uuuuuh. Yeah. [she leaves, and Kyle's eyes follow her.
Then he looks forward, then at Kenny. Kenny cracks up]
|
|
[The dining room. Sheila
serves dinner to Gerald as he reads the newspaper]
|
| Sheila: |
Can you imagine that poor, poor woman?
|
| Gerald: |
Mm-hmm.
|
| Sheila: |
Feeling like an outcast? Being ridiculed every day?
|
| Gerald: |
Mm-hmm. [the phone rings and Sheila answers]
|
| Sheila: |
Hello?
|
| Sharon: |
Hello, Sheila? It's Sharon, Stan's mother. [he's
screaming and running around the house] |
| Sheila: |
Oh, yes. Hello, Sharon.
|
| Sharon: |
Uh-Sheila, I was just wondering if you might know why
my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick?
|
| Stan: |
[Randy chases him down] No! I have to get it out!
|
| Sheila: |
Well, Sharon, I was just trying to educate them about
conjoined twin myslexia.
|
| Sharon: |
So this is your fault.
|
| Stan: |
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
|
| Randy: |
Damn it, stop. [Stan slips from his grasp and he falls]
Oh! [gets up and chases him] Damm it!
|
| Sharon: |
Would you do me a favor? Next time
you want to scare the hell out of my child, just go outside and sit in
the road until a truck runs you over instead? [click. Stan runs by
again, still screaming and pursued by Randy. Sheila is left with a dial
tone]
|
| Sheila: |
[undaunted] That does it! I must educate the entire
town about this awful disease!
|
| Gerald: |
Mm-hmm.
|
|
[South Park Elementary Gym]
|
| Stan: |
[to Cartman] Dude, I don't get it. Why are we playing
dodgeball again?
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah. I thought we only played on Fridays.
|
| Chef: |
[arriving with a letter] Children! Great news! We've
been asked to play in the State Finals for dodgeball!
|
| All: |
Groan.
|
| Stan: |
Aw, do we have to?
|
| Kyle: |
Can't we just play with that big parachute again or
something?
|
| Chef: |
You-you don't understand, children. If we can win
State, we can play in the Nationals in Washington, D.C.!
|
| Cartman: |
Heyh! They have a zoo there!
|
| Chef: |
That's right! Now, come on! We have a lot of practicing
to do! [the class separates into teams]
|
| Stan: |
Aren't we supposed to have won something in order to go
to State Finals?
|
| Kyle: |
Hey, Pip. Do you wanna be on my team again?
|
| Pip: |
I'd love to!
|
| Cartman: |
Now, let's try not to send anyone to that monster nurse
this time, Frenchy.
|
| Pip: |
Hey! I get quite disturbed when you call me that! You
shouldn't make fun of foreigners! [turns and walks away] And besides, I
hate French people! [Chef
blows the whistle to begin play. Fosse throws, and Bebe is beaned. The
foursome look at her, then laugh while Pip observes.]
|
|
[Principal Victoria's office.
She's meeting with Mr. Mackey and Sheila]
|
| Principal Victoria: |
Wwell, Mrs. Broflovski, it certainly is a thrill seeing
your cheery face again. What seems to be pissing you off today?
|
| Sheila: |
Nothing is pissing me off! I jsut wanta start a movement.
|
| Principal Victoria: |
Yah-of course you do!
|
| Sheila: |
I want to talk to you all about your school nurse.
[Victoria and Mackey are surprised]
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Uh. Nurse Gollum is absolutely qualified to be a-
|
| Sheila: |
No, no no. I'm not upset about her. I want to make the
public aware of her. Her disease should be brought to light so that it
can be understood rather than made fun of.
|
| Principal Victoria: |
Oh. And uh what disease is that?
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Uh, Principal Victoria, Nurse Gollum has conjoined twin
myslexia.
|
| Principal Victoria: |
What's that?
|
| Sheila: |
She has a dead fetus attached to her head.
|
| Principal Victoria: |
[gasp] She does?
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Yeah-uh. You never noticed that?
|
| Principal Victoria: |
No-o, I never did.
|
| Sheila: |
Well, that's exactly what I'm talking
about. This poor woman is forced to live in the shadows because she
feels like an outcast. It is up to us to make her feel comf'table and
welcome in our town!
|
| Principal Victoria: |
Did you say a fetus, sticking out from her head?
|
| Sheila: |
I want to invite your nurse to a dinner party at my
house this evening. I'd appreciate it if both you and Mr. Mackey would
attend.
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Do we have to eat kosher stuff?
|
| Principal Victoria: |
Well, I'll talk to Nurse Gollum, but I'm sure she'll be
delighted. Let's say around 8?
|
| Sheila: |
Wonderful!
|
| Principal Victoria: |
Now, you did say she has a fetus on her head?
|
|
[A mountain road. The class is
on its way to the State Finals] |
| Chef: |
[rising] Okay children. [encouraging] Now, who's gonna
win the State Finals? [the kids just look at him]
|
| Clyde: |
Denver?
|
| Chef: |
Here we go Ca-ows, here we go: Unh! Unh!
Here we go Ca-ows, here we go: Unh! Unh!
[the kids just look at him. He looks
back, then turns to Mrs. Crabtree]
I think we need to get off on this exit. |
| Mrs. Crabtree: |
SIT DOWN, KID!!
|
| Chef: |
But it's quicker to get to the Denver school that way!
|
| Mrs. Crabtree: |
DO YOU WANT AN OFFICE REFERRAL?!
|
| Chef: |
How mant times do I have to explain this to you?! I'm
not a student! You can't give me an office referral, and-!
|
| Mrs. Crabtree: |
I SAID SIT DOOWWN!!!
|
| Chef: |
[sits down] Yes, ma'am.
|
|
[The kids arrive]
|
| Stan: |
Whoa! Dude! This is a school?
|
|
[the crowd is cheering. Cows fans are scattered among the crowd]
|
| Bob Thomas: |
Hello, there. I'm Bob Thomas, the coach for the Denver
Cougars. [slaps Chef on the back]
|
| Chef: |
I'm Chef, coach of the South Park Cows.
|
| Bob Thomas: |
Welll, I certainly want to thank
you for bringing your team down. Apparently, nobody else would play us
because they knew we'd just beat 'em silly. Soo, I told the school
board to find me some hick school from the mountains, and here you are!
[Chef is pissed] You're from South Park, yeah?
|
| Chef: |
[in a low tone] Yeah.
|
| Bob Thomas: |
My G-hod, amazing where people
can live nowadays. Well, we might as well get this over with; we've
gotta start thinking about D.C. Promise we won't make it too painful.
[slaps Chef on the back again and leaves. Chef wonders, then gets mad
again as the whisle blows]
|
| Referee: |
Play ball!
|
|
[Dinner at the
Broflovski house. Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, and Nurse Gollum are
there, with her conjoined fetus out of view]
|
| Sheila: |
Ehso-uuuh where did you get your degree, Nurse Gollum?
|
| Nurse Gollum: |
Colorado State.
|
| Sheila: |
Aaaaah.
|
| Principal Victoria: |
Oh. [they resume eating in silence]
|
| Gerald: |
Sheila, could you pass me the dead fetus? [she looks at
Nurse Gollum, then glares at him] I mean, gravy. [she kicks him on the
shins] OW!
|
|
[Denver Elementary. The
Cougars are serving. Player 1 throws the ball]
|
| Black boy: |
[hit] Ow! [goes down. The Cougar fans cheer]
|
| Chef: |
Dammit, Come on! [Clyde and Swanson are already out,
along with one other] Somebody catch the ball! [Pip and the foursome
remain]
|
| Bob Thomas: |
Alright, boys, jsut five more of the little bastards to
go. [Player 1 serves again, and the ball lands in Cartman's belly]
|
| Cartman: |
I caught it, I caught it!
|
| Player 1: |
Oh, that's not fair. He's so fat, it stuck in his
belly.
|
| Referee 2: |
South Park on offense!
|
| Chef: |
Great job, children! Just stay focused now
|
| Kyle: |
Go for it, Pip. [tosses the ball to him]
|
| Pip: |
[gets it] Oh, bother.
|
| Kyle: |
Come on, you Frenchy little frog!
|
| Pip: |
Gaaah! [pitches the ball and knocks down players 1 and
13]
|
| Chef: |
Whoahohoho! Great shot, Pip!
|
|
[back at dinner]
|
| Principal Victoria: |
Ehsooo, I-ee hear that the South Park Cows are playing
for the State Finals in dodgeball tonight.
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Yeah, but you know, it-it doesn't matter though, the-
the Denver team always wins, okay?
|
| Gerald: |
Oh, I don't know. I think our boys might just have the
dead fetus to win-heart!
|
| Sheila: |
Gerald! [smacks him off his chair] Keep your damn mouth
shut!
|
| Nurse Gollum: |
Ih-it's okay, Ms. Broflovski. Really.
|
| Sheila: |
[exhales] Please forgive us. Ah-I'm terribly sorry,
Nurse Gollum.
|
| Nurse Gollum: |
No, I'm quite secure with it.
|
| Sheila: |
I have felt so bad ever since I heard the boys making
fun of you-
|
| Nurse Gollum: |
They're just young boys. Joking is a way for them to
come to terms with what they don't understand.
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Could I get some more pork?
|
| Principal Victoria: |
So did you ever think of just, you know, having it cut
off?
|
| Nurse Gollum: |
Yes, Principal Victoria, the thought had occurred to
me. Unfortunately, it would mean my death.
|
| Principal Victoria: |
Ooohh, so I suppose that's out. Uhow about a hat, then?
|
| Nurse Gollum: |
No, really, I don't need a-
|
| Sheila: |
Yes, we could get you a few hats and wear a different
one every day. No big whoop!
|
| Nurse Gollum: |
I- really- appreciate what you're trying to do here,
but it's not necessary. I'm- a pretty happy person.
|
| Sheila: |
I've got it! We could set aside a whole week to make
the public aware of folks just like you
|
| Principal Victoria: |
Oooohh, yeess, a Conjoined Twin Myslexia Awareness
Week. You know, that has a nice ring-
|
| Nurse Gollum: |
But I really don't think-
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
The- the school could put out pamphlets, mkay? And we
could have seminars to educate, mkay?
|
| Sheila: |
Ooooh, this is so exciting! I'm gonna get the mayor on
the phone right now! [leaves with Mackey and Victoria. Nurse Gollum and
Gerald look at each other. Gerald winces.]
|
|
[Dodgeball State Finals]
|
| Chef: |
You got just one more, Pip. You get this kid, and we
are State Champions.
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah. And if you don't, you're a big dumbass European
hippie piece of crap! [Pip gets pissed and winds up]
|
| Kyle: |
Get him, Frenchy!
|
| Pip: |
Gaaah! [releases the ball, and it hits player 6 on the
nose. The player goes down]
|
| Referee 2: |
South Park wins! [Coach Thomas looks like he's had a
rug pulled out from under him while victory music plays]
|
| Chef: |
We did it, children, we did it! We're going to
Washington, D.C.!
|
| Player 6: |
Uh-hu-hu-hu-howieee! [a group of parents looks on] Ihit
hurhurts! Howieee! [two clowns come out with a stretcher and place it
next to him] Mommy, it huurts! Ihit hurhurts! [the
clowns do a little jig, and the parents laugh. The clowns place him on
the other side of the stretcher, then pick up the stretcher and walk
away. The boy is left on the floor. The parents applaud]
|
| Chef: |
Oh. Sorry about whuppin' your ass there, Coach.
Ooo, baby, come on.
Just whup Denver's ass!
Gonna need some cream for your ass, because
We're winnin' there…
[he dances, and shows off his butt several times. He
also turns to make sure Coach Thomas is watching] |
|
[South Park Town Sqaure]
|
| The Mayor: |
Ladies and gentlemen, this is
indeed a great week for South Park. Miss Hermans has opened the east
wing of the library, and our own South Park Cows Elementary School
dodgeball team is going to the national finals! [the crowd cheers
wildly] Where they will undoubtably be beaten senseless by the
Washington team. [the Broflovskis are not amused. The crowd quiets down]
But most
importantly, this week has brought to my attention a very serious and
dreaded disease. Conjoined Twin Myslexia. And so it is in honor of this
that I declare this exciting week as Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week! [The
crowd cheer louder] And now, let's kick off our weeklong festivities
with the first Annual Grand Conjoined Parade! [more cheering. There are
people on rooftops all over the square cheering as well] Let's hear it
for these brave souls! [The
band starts playing festive music. The crowd cheers up and down as
Nurse Gollum walks down the street, alone. She looks around and waves]
What a glorious parade that was! Let's hear it for the parade
coordinators! [nine men are shown, and they cheer back]
|
| Nurse Gollum: |
[up on the podium next to the Mayor] You know, Mayor, I
really should be accompanying those kids to Washington in case they get
hurt. That is my job.
|
| The Mayor: |
[the mike is still on] Nonsense. This is your week. You
aren't going anywhere.
|
|
[Somewhere near Washngton,
D.C. The bus is going through a lovely meadow]
|
| Chef: |
How much further is Washington, D.C.?
|
| Mrs. Crabtree: |
SIT DOWN, KID!!
|
| Chef: |
I need to know how far it is, lady!
|
| Mrs. Crabtree: |
I SAID SIT DOOWWN!!!
|
| Chef: |
[grumbling] Yeah, whatever, you old, dried-up, fat ho.
|
| Mrs. Crabtree: |
WHAT DID YOU SAY?!!
|
| Chef: |
Ah-I said, 'I've always wanted to visit Prague.'
|
| Mrs. Crabtree: |
D'ogh. Me too. [Clyde munches away]
|
| Stan: |
[to Kyle] Okay, what have you got?
|
| Kyle: |
Some hackuh fish, some gefaggah-
|
| Cartman: |
[quickly] I got a jelly roll! I got a jelly roll!
[Kenny pulls out a bone]
|
| Stan: |
Sweet! Jelly roll is perfect! [takes one end of a short
bungee cord while Cartman holds the other end] Places! [gives
his end to Kyle and takes the jelly roll. He places the jelly roll in
the makshift sling, pulls back, and fires away. All three smile as the
roll leaves the sling. It hits Mrs. Crabtree on the back of her head]
|
| Mrs. Crabtree: |
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [she loses control of the bus as it
careens down the road.]
|
| The Kids: |
Whoa!
|
| Kenny: |
(Sheesh!)
|
|
[A tourist sees the bus coming his way
and tries to get out of the way, but the bus crashes into the Vietnam
Memorial's right wall, and the engine bursts into flames. He was thrown
to one side. The right wall drops down three feet, taking the front end
of the bus with it and raising the back of the bus off the ground five
feet. Both front doors fall off]
|
|
[At Grant Elementary's Gym.
Championship banners going back to 1987 hang from the rafters. Posters
line the walls]
|
| Chef: |
Damn, man. This is the big time, alright.
|
| Stan: |
Chef, we're hungry.
|
| Chef: |
You can eat after the game! You children win this one,
and you're National Champions! Then you can go on and play the Chinese.
|
| Cartman: |
My mom says there's a lot of black people in China.
|
| Chef: |
What?
|
| Referee: |
Are you Chef?
|
| Chef: |
Yeah.
|
| Referee: |
The Washington team has forfeited the game.
Congratulations, you're national champions.
|
| Chef: |
What? We did it! Children, we won!
|
| Kyle: |
Wow! That was easy.
|
| Announcer: |
Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear a round of applause
for the new national champions of dodgeball! The South Park Cows!
[everyone boos]
|
| Kyle: |
[rushing to the opposing team] Hey. Why did you guys
forfeit?
|
| Player: |
You mean, you don't know?
|
| Kyle: |
Know what?
|
| Player: |
Last year's national champions were
the Austin Pirates. They played China for the world championship. Only
four of them came back alive. Chinese dodgeball players aren't like us.
[A temple scene comes up. A squad of Chinese kids are exercising as
their master gives orders. Some of them are being acrobatic, others
throw solid spherical weights at each other] |
| Master: |
Bush langli. Woon taun. Waya ching gia!
|
| Player: |
They do nothing but dodgeball, day
in, and day out. They use steroids and advanced training equipment to
make them, not kids, but animals. [each kid is handed a bowling
ball, which he or she throws aganst a brick wall. The wall crumbles
further with every throw. The scene fades, and the foursome are
standing there, awed] Well, good luck. We've got our futures to think
about. [hops off and leaves]
|
| Chef: |
[coming over] Okay, children. Back in the bus.
|
|
[South Park City Hall. Many
people are seated at table waiting for the evening's events to unfold]
|
| The Mayor: |
And so, at this honorary dinner we
take a look back at our beloved Nurse Gollum and the brave life she has
lived. Roll the tape, please, Mr. Garrison. [he starts up the player.
He's in a nice tuxedo]
|
| Nurse Gollum: |
[quite embarrassed, seated with Sharon] Oh, no!
|
| Singer: |
You've got the strength, you've got the courage
Even with a dead fetus on your head
Carry on! Fight for tomorrow!
Dead fetus or no, you never let go!
You're my conjoined-twin,
dead-thing-hanging-off-your-head woman
|
|
[there are sobs here and there, a smattering of
applause]
|
| Barbrady: |
Oh, that was so touching!
|
| The Mayor: |
[with envelope in hand]
Hand now, friends, hit's time to present the Lifetime Conjoined Twin
Achievement Award. This award goes to outstanding conjoined twins who
have made a mark on society. And the winner is [reaches into the
envelope] |
| Nurse Gollum: |
[derisively] Nurse Gollum.
|
| The Mayor: |
Nurse Gollum!! [the room applauds and the spotlight
moves from the Mayor to the nurse]
|
| Nurse Gollum: |
Oh boy.
|
| Jimbo: |
[interrupting] Excuse me, Mayor, but I just received
some news that you might all be interested in. [takes the microphone]
Our South Park Cows have jsut beaten the Washington dodgeball team, and
are on their way to the world championship in China. [the crowd erupts
in applause]
|
|
[Somewhere near China. The bus
is going down a slope]
|
| Chef: |
Okay, children. Now, we're almost to China! I want you
all to try and focus on your game.
|
| Stan: |
But Chef, we don't wanna play the Chinese!
|
| Chef: |
Nonsense! If we win this one, we're world champions!
|
| Kyle: |
But we could get killed!
|
| Chef: |
And just what price would you pay for eternal glory?
[Stan and Kyle fall silent] Just imagine: a big yellow Dodgeball
Champions banner hanging in the cafeteria! Imagine it!
|
| Stan: |
Dude, Chef has lost it.
|
| Chef: |
You'll be in the news all over the world. South Park
will finally have a sport that it's good at. Oooh, children. It'll be
glorious.
|
| Cartman: |
Sure! Captain Ahab has to get his whale, huh? [Chef
looks at him]
|
| Kyle: |
Dude, what does that mean?
|
| Cartman: |
I dunno.
|
| Stan: |
Hey, isn't that kid Kevin Chinese? [Kevin looks back]
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. You're from China.
|
| Kevin: |
No, I'm from America. My parents are Chinese.
|
| Stan: |
Tell us how the Chinese play dodgeball!
|
| Kevin: |
I have no idea, dude.
|
| Cartman: |
Come on, rice-picker!
|
| Chef: |
Hey, hey hey! [Cartman hides his hands] Children,
that's not cool! You don't make fun of somebody because of their
ethnicity!
|
| Stan: |
You don't?
|
| Kyle: |
But Chef, you just ripped on Chinese people.
|
| Chef: |
Nonononono. That's different. I made fun of them
because they are from China. You see, it's not okay to make fun of an
American because they're black, brown, or whatever, but it is okay to
make fun of foreigners because they are from another country.
|
| Stan, Kyle: |
Oooooh.
|
| Cartman: |
[at the same time] Oooh, I get it.
|
| Kevin: |
[vindicated] Yeah.
|
|
[The bus has reached the
temple. On the side is a banner that reads] |
| Mrs. Crabtree: |
[slamming on the brakes] Haaaaaaaaa!
|
| Short Chinese Commentator: |
Hiit ita wita great pride, that huwe huwelcome ourn
American friends. Now let the [thumps the table, and his partner's mike
falls] champions of dodgeball be deshide! [his
partner resets the mike, a muscular man bangs away on a kodo drum, and
musicians next to him start playing. The crowd cheers, and dancers come
up and unfurl streamers]
|
| Stan: |
Damn, dude, China's fucked up!
|
| Referee: |
Take places!
|
| Chef: |
All right. Let's go, Cows! Let's show 'em what we've
got.
|
| Short Chinese Commentator: |
Okay, Kam, rooks rike a-mericans are getting ready to
play. I don't suppose they'll have any problems seeing the ball with
their BIG American eyes. [they laugh]
|
| Kam: |
Yeah. Good thing they have those uh big eyes so that
they don't have to rery on that amazing American interect. [laughs]
|
| Short Chinese Commentator: |
Oh, you bet that stings!
|
| Kam: |
I can shing 'em.
|
| Referee: |
Praaayyy Brar! [The Chinese serve, The first one out is
Clyde, who tumbles all the way to the wall]
|
| Chef: |
Holy crap. [Kyle is hit, twice, before he goes down]
God-dahamn!
|
| Short Chinese Commentator: |
Hey, hey! What do you call white American person wit
Ph.D. in a physics anda math?
|
| Kam: |
Ah. I don't know. Rwat?
|
| Short Chinese Commentator: |
Stupid American! [laughs]
|
| Kam: |
Aw! No, wait! [starts laughing]
|
|
[A Chinese player takes aim at Cartman, who turns and
runs away squealing. The ball gets him anyway, and he tumbles away]
|
| Short Chinese Commentator: |
Oooh, another American is down! It's numberrrr,
aaahhhm. Oh, I don't know, all Americans look alike. [they laugh]
|
|
[A Chinese player serves and hits Kenny
with such force that the ball picks him up and splatters him against
the wall, then bounces up and away. Paint falls away and cracks are
left in the wall. Blood pours out quickly. The crowd jumps up and
cheers]
|
| Stan: |
Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
|
| Kyle: |
[lying on his side and out of breath] You…
bastards…
|
| Short Chinese Commentator: |
Oooh, my. I haven't seen an American die like that
since Abraham Lincoln! [chuckles]
|
| Kam: |
Dude, that isa not cool! You're gonna get us into
trouble again.
|
|
[South Park Town Square. The
town is assembled yet again]
|
| The Mayor: |
Ladies and gentlemen, on this
fourth day of Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week, all our prayers are with
our little South Park Cows now playing their hearts out in China. [the
town cheers] Now, join me in saluting our Cows and help make Nurse
Gollum not feel like an outcast with our first official Conjoined Twin
Myslexia Hat! [one of her aides passes out the hats as an organ plays.
Nurse Gollum just watches]
|
|
[The Temple. Chef is
tending to his injured players. Kyle is hooked up to an IV unit. The
other players are bandaged up according to the severity of their
injuries]
|
| Short Chinese Commentator: |
And these is a only a one South Park prayer left. [Pip.
Kenny is still plastered to the wall] Still aallll Chinese player. This
should be over veerry shortly.
|
| Chinese kid: |
Come on! Throw ball!
|
| Kam: |
Hey! You ah wanna hear my impersonation of American?
|
| Short Chinese Commentator: |
Yeah, yeah!
|
| Kam: |
Ah. Okay. [puts his hands to his eyelids and opens them
wide to simulate American eyes, and talks in a deep voice] Hey. I
rearry rearry want that. That hurts good. [they have a good laugh]
|
| Short Chinese Commentator: |
Heyheyhey. Let me try, let me try. [sets up with a deep
voice] I'll use my credit card. [they laugh harder, and he resumes] Eh.
Eh. Uh. Do you have any non-dairy creamer? [they laugh]
|
| Kam: |
Yeah, Yeah! [laughs] Y'all come a-back now, hear? [they
laugh so hard they fall from their chairs]
|
| Chef: |
[crestfallen] Oh! What have I done? [Cartman comes over
and sits next to him] You know, Eric? I just realized something. I have
been obsessed, and obsession isn't good. [Eric bites into a chocolate
bar] If we had won the world championship, what then? [Kevin walks off]
It would only be a bigger letdown the nest year if we didn't win! Our
lives would have to revolve around dodgeball. Our lives were fine
before! [Cartman farts and tries to fan it away] Oh, I'm sorry,
children. I let it all go to my head. Can you ever forgive me? [the
kids are stunned at this sudden reversal of desire] Come on, forget
this stupid game! Let's go home.
|
| Chinese kid: |
Come on! Praya ball!
|
| Kevin: |
[walking over to player 70] Hey, if you wanna make him
throw the ball, say this. [hands him a note to read]
|
| Player 70: |
Thank you, American dumbass! [reads it] You French
piece of crap, throw ball. [Pip gets angry] What's the matter, Frenchy?
You got crepes in your ears? [the team laughs. Pip gets livid rather
quickly]
|
| Pip: |
Aaaaaaaaah! [starts spinning. The
Chinese team watches as Pip picks up speed, and the players gasp. Pip
releases the ball and it shoots all over the temple stadium, knocking
out players left and right, until all of them are down. Pip slows down,
and finally stops]
|
| Short Chinese Commentator: |
And the winner is South Park Cows! [musicians play]
|
| Pip: |
Everyone! Everyone, look! I won the
game! We're world champions! Mr. Chef, Mr. Chef. South Park is the
world champion in dodgeball. Oh, glorious day! [the South Park team is
limping off the court, with Kyle taking his IV unit along]
|
| Chef: |
Shut up, Pip!
|
| Stan: |
Yeah, shut up, Pip! [to Chef] Can we go home now?
|
| Pip: |
Did you all see? I can't believe I threw such a ball
with my own arm. It was-
|
| Other kids: |
Shut up, Pip!
|
|
[South Park Town Square. The
Mayor is on stage]
|
| The Mayor |
This year as Conjoined Twin
Myslexia Week draws to a close, I wold like to personally thnak all of
you for your enthusiastic cooperation. [the crowd cheers] Now, let's
hear it one more time for our World Champion South Park Cows! [the team
is standing behind a low wall with a trophy at one end, next to Chef]
|
| Kyle: |
[now dressed normally, but still bandaged] What the
hell is eveyone wearing on their heads?
|
| The Mayor: |
And now, let's hear from the woman of the week, the
incredible, courageous, Nurse Gollum!
|
| Kyle: |
Aaah!
|
| Stan: |
Dude, it's the freak nurse!
|
| Cartman: |
Holy crap.
|
| Sheila: |
Dammit, Kyle! We've been working all week against that
kind of behavior!
|
| Kyle: |
Well sorry, dude. We weren't here.
|
| Nurse Gollum: |
Thank you, Mayor. I uhhh, wa-I… I don't know
what to say; this has been quite a week.
|
| Sheila: |
[wiping away a tear] She's really touched.
|
| Nurse Gollum: |
What I really wanna say is…
well, -egh this may sound odd coming from a woman with a fetus sticking
out of her head, but… you're all a bunch of freaks! [the
crowd is stunned]
|
| The Mayor: |
[taking the mike] Uuhh. Freaks with big hearts! And
now, le-
|
| Nurse Gollum: |
Don't you realize that the last thing I ever wanted was
to be singled out? [Sheila and the priest look betrayed]
I just wanted to do my job and live my life like any normal person, but
instead, you've made everybody focus on my handicap all week long. [the
look is spreading] Look, I don't want to be treated different. I don't
want to be treated special orh-or treated gingerly or-I just want to be
ridiculed, shouted at, and made fun of like all the rest of you do to
each other. [people are listening] And take those stupid things off
your heads! [she turns and walks off the stage]
|
| Principal Victoria: |
Oh, my. What an ungrateful bitch.
|
| Sheila: |
Yyeehh, the nerve of some people!
|
| Kyle: |
Hey, you know. That nurse is actually pretty cool.
|
| Stan: |
Yeah. Maybe that dead fetus makes her smarter.
|
| Cartman: |
I love you guys. [Stan and Kyle merely look at him and
say nothing] Ah, screw you guys.
|
|
[end of Conjoined Fetus Lady] |
