|
[A television is on, and a new
show seems to be on the air]
|
| Announcer: |
And now back to Huntin' and Killin' with South Park's
favorite hunters, Jimbo and Ned. [their
set is off to one side of the entrance to the hunting lodge. They are
each holding guns, and Ned's gun is a flamethrower with a low flame
right now]
|
| Jimbo: |
Hi, I'm Jimbo Kern, and this here is Ned. Say 'Hi',
Ned.
|
| Ned: |
M-hi, Ned.
|
| Jimbo: |
[laughs heartily] Now, idn't that great? [his cameraman
holds up a thumb]
We have a terrific show for you today: we're gonna kill some elk, and
we're gonna kill some mountain goats. Now, the new law passed by
Colorado legislature, which Ned and I call 'Pussy Law #4', states that
we can no longer kill animals in defense.
In other words, our old line of 'It's comin' right for us'-
|
| Ned: |
It's comin' right for us.
|
| Jimbo: |
-no longer works. So now, we only kill
naimals to, quote, thin out their numbers. If we don't hunt, then these
animals will grow too big in number and they won't have enough food. So
you see, we have to kill animals, or else they'll DIE. [an awkward
moment. Jimbo, Ned and the cameraman look at each other] Uuh. So, roll
the tape. [A trill, and the tape shows a field into which Jimbo and Ned
wander] Here we are at Shafer's Crossing lookin' for some animals.
|
| Jimbo: |
Looky, Ned, there are some deer! [a group of deer looks
up and stares at them] Quick, Ned. Thin out their numbers!
|
| Ned: |
Thin out their numbers! [walks
up to the deer and fires up the flamethrower, producing a huge flame.
The deer are incinerated where they stand, and their bones crumble]
|
| Jimbo: |
Good work, Ned. Now, they won't starve.
|
| Jimbo: |
That sure was a great hunting trip. We saved those deer
from extinction.
|
| Ned: |
Mmmwe're environmentalists.
|
| Jimbo: |
Comin' up next, we're gonna drop some
napalm on an unsuspecting family of beavers. And also, try to thin out
the numbers of some endangered species.
|
|
[South Park Elementary. Class
is in session. Mr. Garrison writes] |
| Cartman: |
Mr. Garrison, what's Vietnam?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
What's Vietnam? A question a
child might ask, but not a childish question. Heheheheheheheheheh.
Children, for the next few days, we'll be learning all about Vietnam.
Chances are that somebody in your own lives was affected by this
incredible war. |
| Mr. Hat: |
That's right, Mr. Garrison. The Vietnam War was sticky
and icky.
|
| Kyle: |
[raising his hand] Mr. Garrison. Were you in Vietnam?
|
|
[Mr. Garrison frowns as he seems to
recall an incident in that war. An injured man is dragged to a
helicopter as fresh troops wait to replace him]
|
| Injured Man: |
Aaawwwgh. Aaawwwgh.
|
| Leader: |
Come on, men! Jump out of the chopper!
|
| Trooper: |
Call the doctor! Call the doctor!
|
|
[The class is waiting. Now Mr. Garrison
is smiling as the next scene begins. A group of men is seen disrobed
and bathing. At the end of it, he laughs to himself]
|
| Man 1: |
Who's next to take a shoowwerr?
|
| Man 2: |
Me-ee.
|
| Man 3: |
I am.
|
| Man 1: |
You just took one last week, silly.
|
| Man 2: |
Oh, where can I hide this big pipe?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
No, I wasn't in Vietnam. But sometimes, I like to
pretend I was. Anyway, children, I'm going to assign you all a paper.
|
| Class: |
AAWWWW!
|
| Cartman: |
Son of a bitch.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
I want you all to find somebody in your own life who
was in Vietnam, and interview them about it.
|
| Clyde: |
What if we don't know anybody who was in Vietnam?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Then you get an 'F', fail the third grade, and have to
get a job cleaning septic tanks to support your drug habit.
|
| Clyde: |
Oh.
|
| Stan: |
Dude. My uncle Jimbo was in Vietnam.
|
| Kyle: |
Hey yeah. He and Ned do that stupid TV show.
|
|
[Back to Huntin' and Killin']
|
| Jimbo: |
And now, time for
[the letters are wavy and uneven. The boys come to see the taping] One
of our loyal viewers from South Park sent us some 8mm film of what he
claims to be the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka. Now, as
you all know, the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka can
supposedly kill you with one horrid gaze. If a person even so much as
looks into the frog's eyes, they can be paralyzed, or even die. And
this film proves that that frog may very well exist. [it plays. Shown
is a snowy field, with the camera looking from behind some blades of
grass] Now watch carefully, you're gonna see the Mexican staring frog.
[nothing seems to be happening] There! There, did you see it? Roll that
back again! [the film is replayed] Now, freeze it! [the film is frozen,
and there's an object flying through the air.] Well, I'd like to know
what all you skeptics have to say now! What do you think, Ned?
|
| Ned: |
Mwhoa, I'm scared.
|
| Jimbo: |
Well, be sure to join us next time. Until then
We're so glad you spent your time with us
While we slaughtered our way through nature's guts
Come again and stay a while
We'll kill a lot more living things to make them bleed
|
| Ned: |
Mmgood night.
|
| Cameraman: |
Aand we're cut. Great show, guys. |
| Jimbo: |
Oh, looky who's here. My little nephew, Stanley. [the
boys approach him] So, you're interested in your Uncle Jimbo's big TV
show, huh?
|
| Stan: |
No. We have to do a stupid report on Vietnam. You and
Ned are the only guys we know who were there.
|
| Jimbo: |
Oh. Yeah, we sure were.
|
| Cartman: |
Was it fun?
|
| Kyle: |
Cartman, what kind of stupid-ass question is that?! Of
course it was fun!
|
| Jimbo: |
Well, sure Vietnam was fun. But not
like goin-to-the-circus fun, or fly-fishin-in-Montana fun. No, Vietnam
was more like shovin' shards of broken glass up your ass and then
sittin' in a tub of Tabasco sauce fun.
|
| Stan: |
Whoa!
|
| Jimbo: |
Yeppur, that's where me and Ned met. [flashback
to a beach. A man write something on a notebook as helicopters take
turns landing on a helipad below. An amusement park is just to the
right, with a carousel and a log ride. A log comes into view with
screaming riders. "Time of the Season", by the Zombies, plays] I
remember I had just gotten off the Ferris wheel.
|
| Jimbo: |
Oh, boy, what a gorgeous day! [a bird alights on his
upper arm and sings to him. He whistles back]
|
| Sergeant: |
Kern, get over here! The new privates are here. I'm
assigning one of them to you as a trainee. Ned Gerblansky. [the crowd
parts to reveal him]
|
| Ned: |
Ned Gerblansky reporting, sir.
|
| Sergeant: |
Thanks,
Ned. Now, the bad guys have been spotted about ten clicks north of
here. I know that you and Kern are best suited to take them out. Are
you up for it?
|
| Jimbo, Ned: |
Sir, yes, sir! [actual footage of a helicopter flying
off is shown]
|
| Jimbo: |
Soon it was all on just me and Ned to win the war for
America.
|
| Jimbo: |
Pass me some more cocoa, will you, Ned?
|
| Ned: |
Certainly. And would you like another muffin as well?
|
| Jimbo: |
Why the hell not? We're at war. [Ned hands them over,
then sits back, pulls out a cigarette and lighter, and lights the
cigarette] Hey, you know those things are bad for your throat.
|
| Ned: |
No, that's all lies. I'll be fine. Charlies, at 2
o'clock!
|
| Jimbo: |
[studing the troop movements on the ground] I see 'em!
Drop the bomb!
|
| Ned: |
[pulls the trigger, but nothing happens] The bomb's not
releasing!
|
| Jimbo: |
Oh, no!
|
| Ned: |
It won't budge.
|
| Jimbo: |
Then we only have one option. [forces the plane down.]
|
| Ned: |
What are you doing, man!
|
| Jimbo: |
We have to take 'em out, Ned! At all costs! Die, you
red Commie bastarts!! [comes
in for a crash landing, and enemy troops are running out of their way.
Jimbo and Ned come out and shoot eveyone they can. The enemy soldiers
die on the spot. Ned pulls out a grenade to activate and throw at other
enemy troops, but it goes off prematurely and takes off his right arm.]
|
| Ned: |
[his arm flies away] Jeeaawwww!
|
| Jimbo: |
[firing away] Eeeeehhhh-oh no! Out of ammo! [Jimbo
reaches behind himself and pulls out a sword. A horse with golden mane
and tail trots in. Ned fights off the enemy troops with his good arm
and martial arts skill, and Jimbo flies onto the horse. He sallies
forth and decapitates every soldier he comes across. When the enemy
soldiers are all dead, Jimbo puts the sword away, and they look at the
corpses around them] We did it, Ned! We killed the entire Viet Cong
army!
|
| Ned: |
Whoopie! [brings out a cigarette and lights it with his
good hand] |
| Jimbo: |
Let's get back to base camp. We can ride the log ride
before it closes! [Ned flies onto the horse behind Jimbo, and horse and
riders leap gracefully away]
|
| Jimbo: |
And that's the way it happened, boys.
|
| Stan: |
Wow!
|
| Cartman: |
Man, Vietnam was sweet!
|
| Cameraman: |
[reading]
Great news, guys. Your TV show ratings have doubled!
|
| Jimbo: |
Wow!
|
| Cameraman: |
They've gone from six people, to twelve.
|
| Jimbo: |
Holy Smokes! We could get an Emmy!
|
|
[South Park Public Access. The
set of Jesus and Pals]
|
| Producer: |
We've got to do it, J. Your ratings are being killed by
the Jimbo and Ned hunting show.
|
| Jesus: |
But I don't really care about that.
|
| Producer: |
Wuhell, you'd better care, Mr. Smarty Pants. No ratings
means no show. If you want to keep reaching out to people, you have to
keep up with the times.
|
| Jesus: |
[reluctantly] (Tsk) ooh, alright.
|
| Cameraman: |
Aright we're ten second to air, guys.
|
| Producer: |
Remember: big, big, big. [She holds up her hands and
moves them apart with each 'big.' Then she walks off] |
| Cameraman: |
And five, four, three,… [spotlight beams
dance around the studio]
|
| Announcer: |
[Applause] It's your Hour
of Power on Mission Mountain Cable Access! Put your hands together and
welcome the only man in town who always has a fully-stocked wine
cellar, Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus Christ. [these last two syllables
are very short in duration. Jesus is caught off guard as a spotlight
jumps to him.]
|
| Jesus: |
Uuuh. Hi. [his producer signals him to build up his
intro] Uh, yeh-yeah, okay. Beginning today, we're taking the show in a
new direction. [a stage hand guides him through with the cue cards]
We've got some very interesting people coming on the show this week for
you, our viewers. Today's guest is- TV's Gilligan. Mr. Bob Denver.
|
| Announcer: |
[Applause. The curtains open] And here's uh Booooobbb
Denver. [he makes his way to Jesus. They shake hands and sit down]
|
| Jesus: |
Hi, Bob Denver.
|
| Bob: |
Hi, Jesus. Great to be here ahem.
|
| Jesus: |
[Pause. They look at each other] So. Bob. So, yu-you
just get in town?
|
| Bob: |
Yup. Just got in.
|
| Jesus: |
[Pause. This is not good] So. Um. Su-so, wwhat have you
been up to?
|
| Bob: |
Nn-nothing. Nothing really at all. [the producer cues
the studio band to play]
|
| Lead singer: |
Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'
You've gotta have somethin'…
|
| Jesus: |
[cynically] Oh boy.
|
|
[South Park Elementary. Stan
is presenting his group's report]
|
| Stan: |
[reading from his notes] …and after killing
the entire Viet Cong army, they returned to base camp. [Mr. Garrison is
behind Clyde, listening]
Once there, they rode the Devil's Drop roller coaster and ate cotton
candy. And ultimately, Ned got the Purple Heart for his courageous
defense of the log ride. [Mr. Garrison doesn't believe it] So was the
horror of Vietnam. The End.
|
| All four: |
The End.
|
| Kyle: |
Are there any questions? [Mr. Garrison raises his hand]
Yes, Mr. Garrison?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Yes, uh. [suddenly angry] Where the fuck did you hear
this ridiculous load of bullshit?! [the boys' grins vanish]
|
| Stan: |
From a Vietnam veteran.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Well, boys, it's obvious to me that you didn't do your
work, and that you stayed up all night thinking up some ridiculous lie!
|
| Stan: |
No, no, we didn't-
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
You all receive an F. Minus. |
| Kyle: |
F minus? Can he do that?
|
| Stan: |
But-eh, but we're not making it up! And wuh-
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Stanley, the Vietnam war was war! There weren't
galloping steeds or singing birds or logrides!
|
| Kyle: |
How do you know?! You weren't even there!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Well that's it! All of you have detention for the rest
of the week!
|
| The Group: |
Aawwww!
|
|
[After school, at the
cafeteria. Mr. Mackey is supervising] |
| Cartman: |
Too bad.
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Welcome to detention. Mkay. Mr. Garrison told me about
your little joke. Important for you all to know why you are in
detention. For you to obtain the full benefits from it.
|
| Cartman: |
You're dead, Stan.
|
| Stan: |
For what, dude?
|
| Kenny: |
(Just face it, dude, your uncle's stupid!)
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
[while the boys talk softly] You're here because you
are inferior, mkay? You're here because you are awkward, mkay?
|
| Cartman: |
Well, thanks a lot, Stan, for having such a cruel uncle
that got us all detention for a week!
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah, dude. Your uncle Jimbo sucks ass!
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Shh! 'Kay?
|
| Stan: |
Why would he just invent a story instead of telling us
the truth?
|
| Cartman: |
Well, let's see. Maybe 'caauuse he's an old drunk
hillbilly dick!
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Shh! 'Kay?
|
| Kyle: |
[pounds the table] We've gotta get him back, dude!
|
| Cartman: |
Totally!
|
| Stan: |
How?
|
| Kyle: |
Well, he screwed us by makin' something up; I say we do
the same thing!
|
| Stan: |
Whattaya mean?
|
| Kyle: |
Did you guys ever see that one Brady Bunch where the
guy bzzzt…
|
| Cartman: |
[as Kyle whispers his plot] That sounds sweet. Ah,
yeah, sweet. Yeh, super sweet! Ahyes! |
|
[Jimbo and Ned back on the set]
|
| Announcer: |
And now back to Huntin' and Killin' with South Park's
favorite hunters, Jimbo and Ned.
|
| Jimbo: |
Welcome, hunters. Boy, have we got a
show for you today! We have just received a tape from another viewer
who filmed the Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka right here in
South Park. |
| Ned: |
Aaaaa.
|
| Jimbo: |
Yes, now we're about to roll the film,
but remember: if you look the Mexican staring frog in the eyes, you
could go catatonic. We don't know if this applies to pictures of the
frog or not, but who wants to take chances? So when we roll this film,
be sure to look away. [looks away and shields his eyes with his arm.
Ned does the same] Okay, roll the film, Tom. [Tom starts the film and
looks away. The footage is that of a fake frog sitting on a doorstep
motionless] Is it over?
Okay, it's over. [they lower their arms and sit up]
Well, there you have it. Undeniable proof that the Mexican staring frog
of Southern Sri Lanka exists. And you saw it here, on the Jimbo and Ned
show.
|
|
[Cartman's house. The boys are
looking at the show and smiling]
|
| Kyle: |
Dude, I can't believe they fell for it!
|
| Stan: |
Yeah, what a couple of dumbasses.
|
| Kenny: |
(Yeah, it's like killing a dead pig and a turkey.)
[they all laugh]
|
| Stan: |
Yeah. |
| Kyle: |
Come on! We've gotta make another one! [the boys get
off the couch and leave]
|
| Cartman: |
Lying kicks ass! |
|
[Jesus and Pals]
|
| Producer: |
Jesus!
|
| Jesus: |
Yeah.
|
| Producer: |
We're in trouble. The Jimbo and Ned
show made up some ridiculous staring frog story and jumped another two
points in the ratings!
|
| Jesus: |
Uh oh, sssooo what are we supposed to do?
|
| Producer: |
I don't know. We'll have to- continue with the changes
we've made and then- go even further.
|
| Stage Hand: |
And we're back in five, four, three,…
|
| Producer: |
Remember: big, big, big.
|
|
[Show time! Jesus and Pals has a new
openng sequence, with Jesus walking backwards into view and throwing
his jacket over his shoulder. Meanwhile, 'Jesus and Pals' scrolls along
the bottom as both his logo drops down from above. His signature blinks
here and there. A montage follows with Jesus talking to a monkey in one
screen and Jesus waiting for calls in another. The last thing you see
is]
|
| Jesus: |
If you're just joining us, we've been listening to
Michelle's incredible story of survival. Go on, Michelle.
|
| Michelle: |
[tearfully] Well, as I was saying, I tried to drive him
over to our gorgeous wood bench. My husband was trapped for twelve
hours.
|
| Jesus: |
And yet somehow he managed to survive.
|
| Michelle: |
That's right. He's a very brave man, and I love him
very much.
|
| Husband: |
[in a wheelchair, head bandaged] I love you, too.
|
| Jesus: |
Wwell, let's see if the audience has any questions. [a
large woman raises her hand] Yes, uuh, you over there. [walks down to
her]
|
| Large Woman: |
[lowers her hand] I think she needs to kick him to the
curb, baby! [the audience applauds]
|
| Jesus: |
Kick who to the curb?
|
| Large Woman: |
Her no-good husband! She's got to lose that zero and
get herself a hero! [the audience applauds]
|
| Jesus: |
Buut-
|
| Another Woman: |
He wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He's got to
dump that trash, girlfriend. [grabs the mike] It's all about respect.
You've got to have respect for yourself. [the audience applauds.
Michelle and her husband are shocked, and he drools a little blood]
|
| Jesus: |
Uuh-I think we've somewhat missed the point here. Let's
go to somebody else. [backs up to an African American] Yes, your
comments.
|
| African American: |
Montel, I think we're
forgetting something very important in all this. Okay, sure, he touched
some children, but, the man is a great singer and he has entertained us
for so many years.
|
| Jesus: |
Wha- What are you talking about?
|
| African American: |
Michael Jackson! All this
baad-mouthin', puttin' the man down. Maybe he did touch some children
now and then, but come on! It's Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson! [the
audience applauds]
|
| Jesus: |
Uh, we'll be back right after these messages.
|
|
[In the woods, the boys
set up for another staring frog video. Cartman is behind some boulders
and Kyle is in front of them. Stan and Kenny face them]
|
| Stan: |
Ready, you guys?
|
| Kyle, Cartman: |
Ready. [Cartman drops out of view]
|
| Stan: |
Okay. Action! [the camera rolls, and the frog is
dangling from a fishing pole, jumping around]
|
| Cartman: |
[handling the fishing pole, he speaks spookily]
Blululululululuh. I am the deadly Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri
Lanka! I am very scary. And dangerous.
|
| Stan: |
Cut! Cartman!
|
| Cartman: |
[popping up] What?
|
| Stan: |
It's supposed to be a frog!
|
| Cartman: |
I know that!
|
| Stan: |
Wuh since when do frogs talk, Cartman?
|
| Cartman: |
[thinks] It's a Sri Lanka frog.
|
| Kyle: |
[holding the camera] Drrr, Cartman!
|
| Cartman: |
Drrr yourself, hippie!
|
| Kyle: |
Just do it again, Cartman, and don't make it talk!
[resumes filming]
|
| Stan: |
Okay. Here we go, ready?
|
| Kyle: |
Are you ready Cartman?
|
| Cartman: |
[pops up] I'm ready, Steven Spielberg! [drops]
|
| Stan: |
Action!
|
| Cartman: |
[moves the frog around] Blulululuh. Screw you guys.
|
|
[Another clip. The boys are in
town]
|
| Cartman: |
Wait, why do I have to dress up like a old lady?
|
| Kle: |
Because old ladies are fat, and you are, too!
|
| Cartman: |
It's not funny!
|
| Stan: |
Come on, Cartman. The way we're filming this, nobody
will even know it's you.
|
| Cartman: |
They'd better not!
|
| Stan: |
Okay, when I yell 'action,' you start to walk this way.
[his left] And Kenny's gonna pull the plastic frog in front of you, and
you have to be scared.
|
| Cartman: |
Scared? Of a plastic frog?
|
| Stan: |
It's acting, Cartman. You have to
pretend you're really scared. Then the Mexican staring frog will look
you in the eyes, then you fall down, like you're dead. Okay? You ready?
|
| Cartman: |
Huh this is stupid.
|
| Stan: |
Good! Aaand action! [Kenny walks in front of the camera
with the frog]
|
| Cartman: |
Eee-ee-ee-ee! [falls on his back] |
|
[Jimbo and Ned back on the set]
|
| Jimbo: |
Well, it appears that now a lot of you
uh "skeptics" thought that the film we showed of the Mexican staring
frog of Southern Sri Lanka was a fake. That you say it didn't harm
anybody. Well, it just so happens that we just received another film
from another anonymous viewer. [looks away] Roll it. [the
two scenes have been spliced together, except that Cartman falls on his
left side, and Kenny added his own touch by mooning at the camera]
There you go. Proof that not only is this frog real, but it is doing
harm to the people of South Park as we speak.
|
| Ned: |
Mmmm. Damn that frog!
|
| Jimbo: |
Well, that does it! All this week, Ned
and I will be risking life and limb as we on location to hunt the
Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka! Join us, won'tcha?
|
|
[Jesus and Pals. His producer
was watching Huntin' and Killin']
|
| Producer: |
Ooh, nonono no! [Jesus walks up behind her] This is the
biggest publicity stunt I've ever seen! Damn, those hunters are clever!
|
| Jesus: |
Uuuh, clever?
|
| Producer: |
It's genius, it really is. Hell, I even want to watch
then hunt the Mexican staring frog. Unless… |
| Jesus: |
Unless what?
|
| Producer: |
Unless we can prove to the world
that the whole thing is a sham. If we prove that the Mexican staring
frog of Southern Sri Lanka is just something- mmade up by Jimbo and
Ned, we can have them taken off the air, perhaps even killed!
|
| Jesus: |
Look, why don't we just stick to our own show. People
will watch again.
|
| Producer: |
[wearily] Oh, J. You are so
omnipotent, and yet so naive. We launch a full investigation, and in
the meantime we can cash in on the videotapes.
|
| Jesus: |
What videotapes?
|
|
[A commercial begins]
|
| Jesus: |
Yea, children, I am the Way and the Light…
|
| Voice-over: |
You've seen Jesus and Pals. Now you've got to get the
video! Jesus and Pals Too Hot For T.V.! [a man pours some whipped cream
on the chest of a topless bikini-clad woman wearing a cowboy hat]
Things get a little out of control! [another guest yells obscenities at
another guest, but his mouth is censored with]
You won't believe your eyes! [Jesus is flanked by two Klansmen as
he interviews them]
Order now, only $19.95! [Jesus is Lord!!! Visa, MC, and AmEx accepted]
Remember, this is stuff you can't see on T.V.! [Two other women in
bikinis take off their tops and dance around. Their breasts are
censored with bars saying]
|
|
[Next day. Jimbo and Ned drive
through the town]
|
| Jimbo: |
Anonymous tip?
|
| Cameraman: |
Yeah, it was left on our answering
machine. All it said was that they saw the Mexican staring frog just
south of Stark's Pond this morning.
|
| Jimbo: |
Hey Ned. Remember that time when we got the anonymous
tip back in 'Nam?
|
| Cameraman: |
You were in 'Nam? Where were you stationed?
|
| Ned: |
Mmm Da Nang.
|
| Cameraman: |
With the log ride?
|
| Jimbo: |
Yeup.
|
| Cameraman: |
Man, I was in Tet. We had a
bad-ass roller coaster, but… all we ever wanted was a log
ride. We
waited and we waited, but… they never built us one. I think-
Danforth
wanted the log ride more than anybody, but he… he had to
settle with
that lame dinosaur water adventure ride.
|
| Jimbo: |
That was was hell on everybody. [the cameraman starts
sobbing]
|
| Producer: |
Good. Okay. Okay, bye! Good news, everybody. This
week's ratings are through the roof! We're up to twenty people!
|
| Jimbo: |
Wow, do we got more money?
|
| Producer: |
No, but I do. We're now the highest rated show on
Mountain Cable Access! God bless the Mexican staring frog!
|
|
[The boys are back in the
woods, and their frog is on a small boulder]
|
| Kyle: |
Dude, they're gonna look so stupid.
|
| Cartman: |
Dude, totally!
|
| Stan: |
They deserve it for lying to us, dude!
|
| Cartman: |
[relishing the moment] Revenge is so very, very sweet.
|
| Stan: |
They're here! Hurry and hide! [they run for cover in a
patch of shrubs. Jimbo stops his hummer and the men get out]
|
| Jimbo: |
Let's hunt!
|
| Producer: |
We'll start with a two-shot of you and Ned getting your
equipment together and- |
| Ned: |
Mmjimbo, look!
|
| Jimbo: |
Hit the deck!! [they do, behind a snow drift]
|
| Producer: |
What is it?
|
| Jimbo: |
It's him! The Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri
Lanka! He's right over there on that rock!
|
| Producer: |
He is?
|
| Jimbo: |
Dumbass, you've got to keep your eyes away from him.
[the producer tries to sneak a peek, but Jimbo forces him down again]
Stay down. Ned, you take flight position; I'll try to keep it turned
away from you.
|
| Ned: |
Mmrr roger that. [leaves the drift] |
| Jimbo: |
[standing and facing the camera] Hello, fellow hunters.
Have we got a show for you today. [Ned moves behind the cameraman and
begins his assault] The Mexican staring frog is sunning itself on a
rock directly behind us. [Ned jumps from behind one tree to behind
another] We've got to take the frog by surprise. I'm gonna create a
diversion using this incendiary device [a grenade] while Ned will
ambush him from the rear. [he pulls the pin and throws the grenade
behind him. It hits the rock, but the plastic frog simply went about
face] Now, Ned. He's not lookin'. [Ned advances quickly] Quick, Ned,
hit him with the shotgun! Now, Ned! [silence] Ned? Ne-ed. [turns around
and draws closer to the rock. He sees Ned, now catatonic, looking at
the frog] Oh, no! [Close-up. Ned's hair stands on end] Come on, Ned
buddy, snap out of it! [Ned's gun drops from his good arm] Come back to
me, buddy.
|
| Producer: |
You getting all this? [Yup. The cameraman smiles and
holds out his thumb]
|
| Jimbo: |
Hold on to your butts. [fires away at the frog with his
shotgun] Take that, you demon frog!! [rushes up to Ned] Ned, Ned. Can
you hear me? [turns to his crew] Somebody, call an ambulance. This man
is catatonic! |
| Producer: |
Get the Flight for Life helicopter! [the boys rise out
of the shrubs]
|
| Stan: |
Holy crap, dude.
|
|
[Hell's Pass Hospital. Jimbo
is at Ned's bedside reading to him]
|
| Jimbo: |
…but Pony Boy was beat up pretty bad. He
kept saying, 'stay gold.' [closes the book and watches Ned] Aw, Ned. If
you can hear me, yyou've got to snap out of it, 'cause if you don't,
uh- I'll never forgive myself. [the boys enter the room] Aw, Stanley,
he's gone! My only friend in the world is gone!
|
| Stan: |
Dude, he's okay. That frog wasn't even real!
|
| Kyle: |
Look! [holds it up]
|
| Jimbo: |
[on guard] Aaww! What the hell are you doin'? I almost
looked right at it!
|
| Stan: |
Dude, it's just a plastic frog; it's not real. Check it
out!
|
| Jimbo: |
[drops his guard and inspects the frog] What?
|
| Stan: |
We shot all those videos and sent them in.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah, we made the whole thing up. It was all just a
really, really funny joke! [grins]
|
| Jimbo: |
You sent in those videos?!
|
| Producer: |
[on the phone] Oh, this is not good.
|
| Jimbo: |
My best friend is a vegetable, and I'm gonna be the
laughing stock of South Park!
|
| Kyle: |
Aw, come on. Ned's faking it. That frog was just a
piece of plastic!
|
| Stan: |
Yeah. Come on, Ned. Quit fakin'. [no response from Ned]
|
| Jimbo: |
You boys don't understand. Ned was so
freaked out by the idea of the Mexican staring frog that he must've
sent himself into a deep coma.
|
| Jesus' Producer: |
[suddenly at the dorway with a satellite listening
device] It's a psychosomatic response. [entering] I couldn't help
overhearing your conversation just now.
|
| Kyle: |
Who are you?
|
| Jesus' Producer: |
I produce a little TV show called Jesus and Pals, you
might have heard of it. Your story is amazing: full of jealousy,
duplicity, backstabbing, and bitterness.
|
| Jimbo: |
Uuuuuuuuh. Thanks?
|
| Jesus' Producer: |
How would you like to share your remarkable story with
us on tomorrow's show?
|
|
[Jesus and Pals, after a
commercial break. Today's topic: Tots in Trouble.]
|
| Jesus: |
We're back with Jimbo and his nephew Stan. These kids
can't stop lying, can't they?
|
| Jimbo: |
That's right, Jesus. No respect for their elders. As
some of you may know, I host a local show on hunting. [a woman claps]
Thanks. We've been hunting the Mexican staring frog for a week based on
some video footage we received from a viewer. Well, it turns out that
these kids faked the footage!
|
| Jesus: |
Is that true, Stam?
|
| Stan: |
It was just a joke; we didn't think it would hurt
anybody.
|
| Jesus: |
[seeing the producer signal for a break] Uh, we'll find
out more about this debauchery when we return. [moves towards the stage]
|
| Sound Man: |
Aaand we're out. |
| Producer: |
[rushing to the stage] You're corpses out here! We need
a lot more action from everybody!
|
| Jimbo: |
Like what?
|
| Producer: |
Like, go ahead and tell how your nephew Stan takes
drugs and worships Satan.
|
| Jimbo: |
Satan. Got it.
|
| Stan: |
Whoa, I don't take drugs and worship Satan. That's a
lie.
|
| Jimbo: |
Give you a taste of your own medicine, you little
fibber!
|
| Producer: |
You kids, I didn't bring you on this show to be boring.
Somebody get pissed off and throw a chair at Ned here.
|
| Cartman |
[raising his hand] Dibs!
|
| Producer: |
Remember, you all start to fight after the chair is
thrown: that is your cue.
|
| Jimbo: |
Roger.
|
|
[the theme music plays again
and the crowd applauds for the next segment. Action]
|
| Jesus |
Welcome back to Jesus and Pals. Jimbo, why do you think
little Stanley lies?
|
| Jimbo: |
I'll tell you why. Because he's on drugs and worships
the Devil.
|
| The Audience: |
[gasp. So does Stan] Jeesus! Jeesus! Jeesus!
|
| Jesus: |
Wow. Now, Stanley, it sound like your uncle is really
worried about you.
|
| Stan: |
Well I only- did it 'cause… he- molested me.
[Jesus' jaw drops. The audience boos, and the sound man and the
director high-five each other]
|
| Jimbo: |
Why, you little piece of crap!
|
| Stan: |
You big piece of crap!
|
| Cartman: |
That's it! Now I'm all pissed off! [takes his chair and
throws it at Ned] Take that, hippie! [hits him. Ned just sits there]
|
| Jimbo: |
Hey! [picks up his chair and throws it at Cartman]
|
| The Audience: |
Jeesus! Jeesus! [the chair hits a woman in the audience
and she gets up angry. She heads for the stage]
|
| Jesus: |
[trying to calm things down] O-Okay, okay, that's
enough.
|
| The Woman: |
[slugs Jimbo] Take that, you asshole! [He falls. She
jumps on him and strikes again] What the fuck was that?
|
| Jesus: |
Uh, let's watch the lanugage, people.
|
| Jimbo: |
Bring it on, you bitch! [she hits him again.]
|
| Cartman: |
Ey, get off of him, you fuckin' nutsack!
|
| The Audience: |
Jeesus! Jeesus! Jeesus! [a
blond man pushes Jesus out of the way as he heads for the stage. The
rest of the audience follow suit, and soon everone is fighting]
|
| Jesus: |
Let's all just- make our way back to our seats.
|
| Kenny: |
[being pulled apart by a man and woman]
(Nononono-yikes!) [his head comes off]
|
| Man: |
Yeah, yeah, yeh-oh? [the man and woman realized what
they have done]
|
| Stan: |
Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!
|
| Kyle: |
You bastards!
|
| Cartman: |
[flying across the stage] Ey, you guys! [two men just
sitting in the audience start to fight for no reason]
|
| Jesus: |
Let's all just- make our way back to our seats.
|
| Woman 1: |
Nooooo! [Cartman flies across the stage again]
|
| Woman 2: |
Oh my Gooodd! [a man walks by with a chainsaw]
|
| Jesus: |
SHUT THE FUCK UP!! [the audience members stop and gasp
at him. Cartman was biting at the leg of a man onstage] Jesus, what is
wrong with you people?! Look around you, Stanley. Look at all the pain
and suffering your lie has caused. [the audience members slowly return
to their seats]
|
| Stan: |
Wull we only did it because Jimbo lied
to us first. We had this report on the Vietnam War for school, and we
interviewed Jimbo about it and he made up all this stuff about Vietnam,
and he got us in trouble. [a couple of rats come by and drag Kenny's
remains away]
|
| Jimbo: |
Hey, now. Everything I told you boys about the war
actually happened.
|
| Stan: |
Mr. Garrison said that there was no way you could have
defeated the entire Viet Cong army by yourself.
|
| Jesus: |
The entire Viet Cong army?
|
| Jimbo: |
I uh… Well, okay, I might have embellished
the truth a little, but that's different.
|
| Jesus: |
Is it?
|
| Jimbo: |
Well, sure. I mean, eh… [pinned] Well, no
uh, I guess not.
|
| Jesus: |
And as for you, Stan uh, I think you need to kick your
drug habit pretty soon.
|
| Stan: |
Wait a second-I don't take drugs-that was a lie!
|
| Jesus: |
Wait. Jimbo made that up?
|
| Stan: |
No. Your producer did. [that got her attention] She
made Jimbo tell everybody that I did drugs.
|
| Jesus: |
What?
|
| Stan: |
During the break. Your producer came over, and told
Jimbo what to say about me. She told him to lie!
|
| Jimbo: |
It's true. She did. Hu-I'm such a tool.
|
| Jesus: |
Oh, really? [she tries to hide behind a potted plant]
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah! Then she told us to throw a chair at Ned!
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah. I didn't wanna do it, Jesus. They made me do
that.
|
| Man in Brown Shirt: |
Screw this show. I thought this was all real. [audience
members begin to leave]
|
| Jesus: |
W-wait, everybody. Come back.
|
| African American: |
[pats Jesus on the shoulder] Don't feel too bad,
Montel. We all want to touch children sometimes; it's only natural.
|
|
[Outside South Park Public
Access. Show's over.]
|
| Jimbo: |
I'm sorry, Stan uh, I was just trying to tell a good
story. I never meant for you boys to get in trouble.
|
| Stan: |
Well, we're sorry too, Uncle Jimbo. We're sorry for
making you look stupid in front of the whole world.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. And we're sorry for turning Ned into a vegetable.
|
| Jimbo: |
Aw, he'll be fine. I'll just take him home and show him
some good hard-core porn-he'll snap right out of it. Won't you, Ned?
[slaps him on the shoulder, and Ned falls like a statue. A door opens]
|
| Jesus: |
I want to apologize to all of you for
what happened in there. In our competition for ratings we lost sight of
why we got into show business in the first place. |
| Jimbo: |
Yeah. TV's and beer.
|
| Jesus: |
Actually, I was referring more to the
pursuit of truth, but-well anyway, I can't wait to get back to my old
show without all the glitz and the ratings and producers and-
|
| Kyle: |
Wait a second. Where is your producer?
|
| Jesus: |
[upset] I sent her away.
|
| Cartman: |
Sent her away where?
|
|
[Hell. She enters Satan's lair
with phone in hand]
|
| Producer: |
[pitchforks rise and begin poking her] What is, is-
What's happening?!
|
| Satan: |
Welcome to my dominion!
|
| Producer: |
[retreating] Noooooo!
|
| Saddam Hussein: |
[comes up behind Satan and stands next to him] Hey.
Take a load off. Put your feet up. Me and Satan were just aboot to go
shopping for furniture. Come on, Satan.
|
| Satan: |
Okay, honey. [they turn around and walk away]
|
| Producer: |
Noooooo! [the camera enters her mouth]
|
|
[End of The Mexican Staring
Frog of Southern Sri Lanka...
War is hell
My brother's a dirty mess
In war, war is hell.
It's hell for you and me.]
|
