|
[South Park Elementary. Class
is in session]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Okay, children, I know that
today is the last day of school, and that the last day of school
involves pranks, but this is going too far! What have you done with Mr.
Hat?! [the kids stay silent] Children, I want Mr. Hat right now!
[pounds his desk] The prank is over! [pounds his desk again, and the
kids sit still]
You think I can't get along without Mr. Hat, don't you? You think I
can't live without him. Well, I can! He's just a puppet. I don't need
him. You see? Watch. [starts waiting. Soon he grimaces, then he
taps his thumbs together, then taps them faster] GOD DAMMIT, WHERE THE
FUCK DID YOU PUT MR. HAT?! [pounds his desk hard, and the apple bounces
away]
|
| Kids: |
[the dismissal bell rings] YEH-
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[quite angry] Oh, no, you don't! The school year is
over, but summer vacation doesn't start for you little bastards, until
Mr. Hat is back on my desk!
|
| Kids: |
AAWWWW!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Now, I'm goin' to turn around, and when I turn back, I
expect to see Mr. Hat lying right here! [turns around] Okay. Now I'm
gonna turn around now. [turns back. Only one student remains] Shit!
|
| Pip: |
Where did everybody go?
|
|
[Outside. The kids bolt
through the school's front door]
|
| Kids: |
Yea! Hooray!
|
| Cartman: |
It's summer!
|
|
[the snow melts away, and a mound of it
reveals a boy whose missing person's poster was in the back of the
class. He gets up, and his parents rush up to meet him]
|
| Mom: |
Oh golly, Kevin honey.
|
| Dad: |
Good to see ya again, son.
|
|
[the boys don't take the bus home today. They walk past
a house where a man stretches in the warm breeze]
|
| Man at doorway |
Looks like winter is right around the corner. Better
get some firewood ready. [uses a chainsaw on the tree in front of the
house. Trees all over the area are coming down]
|
|
[A park, and kids are
at play already. The boys walk through it. Fosse chases a ball. Jordan
and the soiled kid stand next to each other, but a ball hits the soiled
kid and knocks him down. Pip is farther away.]
|
| Pip: |
[rushes up to them] Oh! Have a good summer, gentlemen!
[behind him, Bebe goes after Bill, and Bill screams]
|
| Stan: |
Shut up, Pip!
|
| Pip: |
Right-o. Uh. Enjoy some of this summer for me, would
you?
|
| Kyle: |
What do ya mean?
|
| Pip: |
Welluh I have to spend my summer in summer school.
Because I can't be left alone. You see, my parents are dead.
|
| Cartman: |
Your parents are dead? God-damn you suck, Pip! [the
boys laugh at him and walk away]
|
| Stan: |
Oh yeah, dude. It's summer. That means we have to go
buy fireworks.
|
| Kyle: |
I saved up enough money to buy M-80's this year.
|
| Stan: |
I saw in this movie once, where this guy stuck a
firecracker up a cat's butt.
|
| Kyle: |
Cool! Maybe we can do that to Cartman's cat.
|
| Cartman: |
Eeyy! If you so much as touch
Kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nut sack, and blow your
balls out all over your panties!
|
| Stan: |
Jesus, Cartman!
|
| Cartman: |
[mumbling] Well, I'm just checking, man. Don't mock my
kitty, man. [walks off. The others follow]
|
| Stu: |
Hi, fellas.
|
| Boys: |
Hi, Stu.
|
| Stu: |
What can I do for you?
|
| Kyle: |
We wanna buy M-80's.
|
| Stan: |
The kind that fit in Cartman's cat's ass.
|
| Cartman: |
Okay, that's it! [Kenny laughs] Screw you guys, I'm
going home. [walks off]
|
| Kyle: |
What a baby.
|
| Stan: |
So we'll have ten M-80's, please.
|
| Stu: |
I'm sorry, fellas. Haven't you heard?
|
| Stan: |
Heard what?
|
| Stu: |
All fireworks have been banned in Colorado.
|
| Kyle: |
What do ya mean?
|
| Stu: |
It was in the paper this morning |
| Kyle: |
Dude! Just 'cause some stupid North Park kid blew his
hands off, we don't get to buy our M-80's?
|
| Stu: |
Right.
|
| Stan: |
How can they do this to us? Doesn't anyone believe in
tradition anymore?
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. We've been playing with firecrackers our whole
lives.
|
|
[Kyle remembers their
days as toddlers. All four stand in a hallway holding lit firecrackers.
Kyle tosses one up in the air and it pops. Kenny holds on to his, to
his peril. It pops, and Kenny's head flies off his torso. The rest of
the body falls over]
|
| Stan: |
Oh my gosh ih killed Kenny!
|
| Kyle: |
Oo bastards! [rats pile on the corpse and nibble away]
|
| Stan: |
A summer without fireworks is like… I don't
know, but it's like-uh, ih, it sucks ass.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah-uh now what are we supposd to do?
|
| Stu: |
[pulls out a fireworks box and takes something out] I
can still sell snakes. [lights one up, sets it down, and watches it
grow]
|
| Stan, Kyle: |
Hwaah.
|
| Kenny: |
(Never mind)
|
|
[City Hall. The Mayor is in]
|
| The Mayor: |
[on the phone] This is absurd. We need fireworks for
our Fourth of July celebration at the lake. [listens] I don't care that
some twerp blew his hands off! We've got to have fireworks for our
picnic! Hold on, I've got another call. [switch] Hello? No, I don't
know where Mr. Hat is. Jesus, Garrison, I've got bigger problems!
[switch]
Hello, yes? Now what am I supposed to do about our Fourth of July show
at the lake? NO, I don't want snakes! This is an outrage! Get me the
Mayor! I know that, smartass, I was being ironic! [hangs up]
|
| Barbrady: |
[gets up from under her desk] Oh I'm sorry Mayor, but I
couldn't find the little man in the boat.
|
| The Mayor: |
Well, keep looking! [pushes him down]
|
| Barbrady: |
Oh?
|
| The Mayor: |
This is ridiculous. We can't have a celebration without
fireworks. Whoever heard of a Fourth of July picnic with snakes?
|
| Barbrady: |
[from under the table] Oh I like snakes. You light 'em
and they grow and grow.
|
| The Mayor: |
Wait a minute, that's it!
I've got it. This year, South Park will make history by having the
largest snake in the world! The press will love it. I'll be on the
front peh- [swoons] Oooooogh.
|
| Barbrady: |
Huh, I found him.
|
|
[The bus stop. The boys just
can't seem to get into summer wear]
|
| Stan: |
Man, it's hot out here.
|
| Cartman: |
What do you guys want to do? We've got the whole summer
to play.
|
| Kyle: |
Dude, what are we supposed to do? We always just play
with fireworks.
|
| Stan: |
I know, let's go sledding!
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah!
|
|
[The top of a hill. The boys
have brought their sled, and Cartman is left to go on]
|
| Stan: |
Come on, Cartman. Get on.
|
| Cartman: |
Stan?
|
| Kyle: |
Come on, dude, we're ready.
|
| Stan: |
The hell are you waiting for?
|
| Cartman: |
Huh. Don't you notice anything wrong with this picture?
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. Your fat ass isn't on the sled.
|
| Cartman: |
Ahem. What ever. [hops on. The sled goes down just a
bit, then stops]
|
| Stan: |
What the hell's goin' on?
|
| Jimbo: |
[drives by with Ned] Hey there, boys!
|
| Stan: |
Hi, Uncle Jimbo.
|
| Jimbo: |
How come you're not blowin' things up? It's summer.
|
| Kyle: |
Didn't you hear? They outlawed fireworks 'cause a
little boy blew off his hands.
|
| Jimbo: |
What?!
|
| Stan: |
Yeah, they're not even having 'em at the lake this
year.
|
| Jimbo: |
Oh my God! [revs up] Well, don't worry boys. Uncle
Jimbo is on the case. [drives off] Buckle your seat belt, Ned.
|
| Ned: |
Mmmm-where are we going?
|
| Jimbo: |
Mejico, my amigo.
|
| Ned: |
Mmmm-why are we going to Mejico?
|
| Jimbo: |
Buy fireworks. Just 'cause some kid blew off his hands
doesn't mean the rest of us have to suffer now, does it?
|
| Ned: |
Are fireworks legal in Mexico?
|
| Jimbo: |
Hell, everything's legal in Mejico. It's the American
way. [and away they go]
|
|
[The Mayor's office. Her aides
are there now.]
|
| Charlie: |
At the Dyno Might Firework Company, we have a
commitment to excellence. [he is shown with an easel and large notebook]
Our focus is on safety while th-
|
| The Mayor: |
Just cut to the chase and tell us about the snake!
|
| Charlie: |
Uh oh-kay. [to himself] Let's see. [turns
the pages up and over. Page 1: Dyno Might Safe and Spicy. Section 1:
Introduction. Section 2: Safety Features. Section 3: We Value The
Customer…] Weh-. Now the disk that we are making is
approximately 5000 times bigger than the average snake.
|
| The Mayor: |
Ooooo!
|
| Charlie: |
We have to fly it in with three Comanche helicopters
and lower it onto the ground at the lake.
|
| The Mayor: |
[taking notes] …Comanche
helicopters…
|
| Charlie: |
[flips the page] Then we'll need 57 flamethrowers, all
set up around the perimeter of the disk, that are all triggered to fire
at the same time.
|
| The Mayor: |
…flamethrowers…triggered at the
same time…
|
| Charlie: |
[flips the page. A giant smiling snake is shown rising
out of the disk] Once lit, the snake will- grow. [flips the page, and a
vaudevillian is shown] And good times will be had by all. [all clap]
|
| Aide 1: |
Wonderful.
|
| Aide 2: |
Spectacular.
|
| The Mayor: |
Well, you see? Fireworks at the
lake will not only go on, but perhaps be the best ever. Wait a minute!
We're gonna need an orchestra to play the Stars and Stripes!
|
| Aide 1: |
Hey! How about the elementary school orchestra? They
had a great version of Mary Had a Little Lamb at their last concert.
|
| The Mayor: |
Yyes! Get the school principal on the phone! And we
need somebody to dress up like Uncle Remus!
|
| Aide 2: |
Uh, Mayor, I think you mean Uncle Sam? |
| The Mayor: |
Of course I do, you fuckin' asshole!
|
|
[On the side of a road. The
boys are building a snowman, but out of mud. A mudman]
|
| Kyle: |
Dusty, the dirtball
|
| Stan: |
Why does everything have to suck so bad in summer?
|
| Kyle: |
Hehey, look. It's Mr. Garrison [walking by, quite
disheveled]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[still sleepy] Hhello, children. Hhhow is your summer
goinnngg?
|
| Stan: |
Summer sucks ass, Mr. Garrison.
|
| Kyle: |
Hey! Have you found Mr. Hat yet?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Oohh oh, that old thing? [mechanically] Whah, I almost
forgot he was gone. I don't need Mr. Hat.
|
| Stan: |
That's good. [long pause]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Mr. Hat is just a puppet
|
| Kyle: |
Yeup. [long pause.]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Mr. Hat isn't real.
|
| Stan: |
Right. [long pause. Mr. Garrison walks away]
|
| Cartman: |
Hey you guys. My mom signed me up for swimming lessons
at the community pool; you wanna come? [the others laugh at him]
|
| Stan: |
Swimming lessons, dude? That is the lamest thing I've
ever heard!
|
| Cartman: |
Is not!
|
| Stan: |
Everyone knows that the first graders pee in the
community pool.
|
| Kyle: |
Hyeah, Cartman. You're swimming around in first-grader
pee!
|
| Cartman: |
Dah-I'm not swimming around in pee!
|
| Stan: |
Whatever, dude!
|
| Cartman: |
My mom says if I take swimming lessons, I could be in
the Olympics some day.
|
| Kyle: |
Heyeah, the Fatass Olympics. [Stan is still grinning]
|
| Cartman: |
I am trying to make the best out of
a bad situation! I don't need to hear crap, from a bunch of hippie
freaks living in denial! Screw you guys! I'm going home.
|
| Stan: |
But Cartman, we're tryin' to-
|
| Cartman: |
Hup- Screw you guys. Home. [goes on his way]
|
| Stan: |
What does he mean, living in denial?
|
| Kyle: |
Dude, it's Cartman. He's just being a dumbass like
always.
|
| Stan: |
[hops up to put a carrot for a nose on the mudman]
There. How does that look?
|
| Kyle: |
Like a- big hunk o' dirt with a carrot sticking out of
it.
|
| Stan: |
Nuh, crap.
|
|
[The community pool. Kids are
swimming and diving, and a lifeguard looks over the scene]
|
| Cartman: |
[tips his toes into the water] Eh eh eh eh. [backs away]
|
| Instructor: |
[nice blonde, blows her whistle] Okay kids! Everyone in
the pool! [the kids jump in] Come on, Eric. We're gonna start now.
|
| Cartman: |
Nuh uh.
|
| Instructor: |
Just jump in.
|
| Cartman: |
I don't wanna.
|
| Instructor: |
It's not gonna hurt ya, hon. Just do it.
|
| Cartman: |
[holds his breath, covers his nose and jumps in] Egh.
[comes up and treads water] Deh. Dugh ugh egh.
|
| Instructor: |
There you go. Now, just let the first graders swim by
you and then swim towards us.
|
| Cartman: |
Huh? First graders? [they swim by, but stop to look at
him. Yellow pools of pee appear in front of them. They swim away]
Aawwww, weak, weak. Aaww yeyou sons of bitches!
|
|
[South Park, Stark's Pond.
Bleachers are being set up for the Fourth of July picninc, and a chili
and donut stand goes up]
[The Mayor and her aides are supervising]
|
| The Mayor: |
Where the hell is our firework! We only have 24 hours.
|
| Aide 2: |
I'm sure it'll be here any second.
|
| The Mayor: |
Shut up!
|
| Aide 2: |
Copy that.
|
| Conductor: |
[a tall, skinny, bald man] Okay, children. I'm sure
we're a little rusty. Where is Eric Cartman?
|
| Stan: |
He's taking swimming lessons.
|
| Conductor: |
Huhoh dear. How are we supposed to
sound good without our French horn section? Oh, let's try some scales
first. C scale first. And… [They start playing the scale (F#
first), but everyone is all over the place.] Hoh? Okay, that was pretty
good. Let's play Mozart's Symphony No. 5 [they try, but it is just
awful]
|
| Mayor |
Oh, we're doomed. Our Fourth of July celeebration is
going to have no fireworks and a bunch of tone-deaf little shitheads
playing- [she sees something] Wait a minute. It's the snake! [the snake
appears over the mountain transported by the three Comanche
helicopters. Everyone stops to watch]
|
| Barbrady: |
[trying to get everybody back to work] Let's move
along, people. If you've seen one giant snake-thingy firework, you've
seen them all.
|
| The Mayor: |
Call everybody! The show's back on! Come on! We've only
got one day to prepare! [they move out]
|
|
[Mexico. Jimbo and Ned pass by
a store that sells cohetes. They stop and walk back to it]
|
| Jimbo: |
Buenos dias, mi amigo. [the proprietor wears a Menudo
shirt.] Yo soy un Americano spectacularrrr. ["Good morning, friend. I'm
an awesome American."]
|
| Proprietor: |
¿Qué? ["What?"]
|
| Jimbo: |
Yo necesito el fireworko spectacularrrr! [that's what
cohetes are: fireworks - "I need an awesome firework"]
|
| Proprietor: |
¿Necesita usted un cohete grande? ["Do you
need a large firework?"]
|
| Ned: |
Nnnn-no moleste el gato spectacularrrr. ["Don't bother
the awesome cat" - the proprietor pulls out a large box and places it
on the coounter]
|
| Jimbo: |
Would you look at that, Ned! That's a
Tijuana bottle rocket! These babies have enough power to blast a
firehole right through the ozone!
|
| Ned: |
Mmmm. They're spectacularrrr.
|
| Jimbo: |
Ned. It's our job to get these to children all over
America for the Fourth of July. [he and Ned take a rocket each] We'll
be like Santa Claus on Christmas morning.
|
| Ned: |
Hmmm-bueyno.
|
|
[A house. Mr. Garrison
is in his armchair next to a phone looking at TV. A picture of Mr. Hat
is in one of his bookshelves. Riinngggg]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Hello:
|
| Caller: |
Hello, is Mr. Hat there?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[wonders] Is this some kind of joke?!
|
| Caller: |
Huh, huh, yes.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
You go to hell! You go to hell and you die! I'm gonna
find out who you are!
|
| Caller: |
Ughuh, I don't think you can, mkay? [Mackey!]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[hangs up, upset] God-dammit! [turns on the TV, to PBS,
when Shari and Lamb Chop are on. Oops.]
|
| Shari: |
So, Lamb Chop. What would you like to do today?
|
| Lamb Chop: |
Well, I'd like to sing you a song.
|
| Shari: |
Hey, let's sing one to-gether!
|
| Lamb Chop |
As long as we're together, we can do anything.
We can take on the whole darned world.
We're happy as clams, we've got plenty of pearls.
Through thick and thin, we've always been together…
|
|
[Garrison gets gets madder and madder as the song
prgresses, until he imagines himself going to her studio]
|
| Shari: |
Whoa-aaahh! Aaaahh! Aaah! [Garrison
approaches, and with a small ax, chops off Lamb Chop from Shari's hand
and tosses it onto a lit barbecue grill. Flames rise up and engulf Lamb
Chop.] No! Lamb Chop! No!
|
| Lamb Chop: |
[overhead shot of the puppet burning] Shari! Help mee!
It burns! It burns!
|
|
[Garrison is shown smiling away on his armchair, having
dreamed out his anger]
|
|
[The community pool.
The swimming instructor has five swimmers in front of her at the deep
end, and Eric stands alone at the shallow end]
|
| Instructor: |
Eric, you have to get in the deep end sooner or later.
|
| Cartman: |
Later's fine.
|
| Instructor: |
Just do your side stroke.
|
| Cartman: |
I only know how to do it doggie style.
|
| Instructor: |
That's doggie paddle, Eric! Now, come over here!
|
| Cartman: |
Can I do it doggie style?
|
| Instructor: |
Okay. [Eric starts paddling towards her] That's it!
That's it, you can do it!
|
| Cartman: |
Sweet! [three first graders swim by, leaving yellow
trails. That stops him] Aaww, dammit! Aw, not again!
|
| Instructor: |
Come on, Eric!
|
| Cartman: |
No way! Sons of bitches, I'm going home! [turns around
and leaves the pool]
|
|
[News 4 brief]
|
| Anchor: |
Fourth of July is finally here, and
with the statewide ban on fireworks, people from all over Colorado are
flocking to South Park. Here with a special report is a normal-looking
guy with a funny name.
|
| Creamy Goodness: |
Thanks, Tom, it looks like the firework ban won't be
putting a damper on one
town's festivities tonight. I'm here at Stark's Pond in South Park,
where the crowd of residents and scores of tourists anxiously await the
lighting of the largest snake in human history. [some of the folks have
picnic blankets set out]
Now, as most of you will probably remember, snakes are these little
round disks that you light, and they spew out a little snake of black
ash. Well, the South Park snake is over half a mile in diameter, and
twenty stories high. I'm told that this event won't begin until the sun
goes down and night is upon us. [so it is said, so it is done] Well
alrighty then, looks like we're ready.
|
|
[Orchestra stage. Everyone is
present and ready to play]
|
| Stan: |
How are your swimming lessons going, Cartman?
|
| Cartman: |
Fine.
|
| Kyle: |
I heard you won't even get in the deep end!
|
| Cartman: |
Well, you heard wrong, hippie!
|
|
[A wide view of Stark's
Pond and everyone in the area around it. Then, the mayor is on the main
stage with her aides about to address the crowd]
|
| The Mayor: |
Ladies and Gentlemen, good
citizens of Colorado. It's my pleasure to be the first person to wish
you all a Happy Fourth of July! Let's start with our school band
playing the Stars and Stripes!
|
| Conductor: |
This is it. And a-one and a-two and a- [the kids begin
to play, and the result is as bad as in practice]
|
| People in the crowd: |
[covering their ears] Oooohhh!
|
| The Mayor: |
What the fuck is that?!
|
| Aide 2: |
I think it's the Stars and Stripes.
|
| The Mayor: |
Oh, hell! [grabs the mike] Light the smake! [everyone
cheers. The lighters step forward and fire up the flamethrowers]
|
| The Crowd: |
Ooooo! [the snake begins to bulge.] Aaaah! [The Mayor
is pleased with the results]
|
|
[Mexico, near the border at
night. Jimbo and Ned drive by an abandoned truck]
|
| Jimbo: |
Alright, Ned. Now we're coming up to
the Amrican border. They can't know that we have fireworks in the
trunk. Just let me do the talking. [Ned says nothing] Ha ha ha ha, I
guess that goes without saying, doesn't it? [laughs some more]
|
|
[The border]
|
|
[Jimbo and Ned drive up. The border agents attend to
them]
|
| Agent: |
Good evening, gentlemen.
|
| Jimbo: |
Hello there, fellow American. We're just anxious to get
back to our homeland.
|
| Agent: |
Oh alright, I just need to ask you a few questions.
|
| Jimbo: |
Fire away, we have nothing to hide.
|
| Agent: |
Is anyone other than the two of you traveling in this
vehicle?
|
| Jimbo: |
No, sir.
|
| Agent: |
Do you have any firearms or explosives in the car?
|
| Jimbo: |
Yeah. [Ned recoils] I mean, no! No.
|
| Agent: |
[brings out his flashlight and turns it on] Open your
trunk, please, sir. [moves to the trunk]
|
| Jimbo: |
Damn! Damn, I always get that question wrong.
|
|
[Stark's pond. The
crowds are still cheering and the band is still playing, and the snake
is still growing. Cartman looks intently at his sheet music]
|
| The Mayor: |
My God, it's beautiful. It never fails to amaze me how
I manage to overcome adversity. [the snake is still growing, and the
Mayor gets depressed] Say uh, Charlie, when does that thing die out?
|
| Charlie: |
Die out?
|
| The Mayor: |
Yes. You know, expire, end. [Charlie just stands there]
Hello, I'm asking you when it stops!
|
| Charlie: |
Uuuh, Aha'm not sure, uh. I never made one this big. I
guess we didn't quite think this through, did we?
|
| The Mayor: |
What?! [the snake is now a pillar, rising into the sky]
|
| Kyle: |
[looking up] Dude. That thing is huge.
|
| Stan: |
Yeah, they need to shut it off.
|
| Cartman: |
[distracted] Hey, you guys are screwin' up the song!
|
|
[the crowd is now alarmed as well as awed. Grumbles are
heard]
|
| Man 1: |
Somebody stop it!
|
| Man 2: |
It's out of control!
|
|
[Everyone leaves in a hurry. A piece of
the ashen snake breaks off and the main pillar lies down and starts
moving through the crowd.]
|
| A Woman: |
Nooo!
|
|
[The snake heads for the orchestra stage and all the
students jump off, except…]
|
| Kyle: |
Kenny, watch out! [Stan and Cartman gasp. The snake
slams into the stage]
|
| Kenny: |
(Damn!) [jumps clear and lands under some bleachers.
The snake is coming his way] (Oof! Hey you guys, I really, really don't
have time to tell you that-aargh…) [the snake mows the
bleachers down on him]
|
| Stan |
Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!
|
| Kyle: |
You bastards!
|
| The Mayor: |
[horrified] Oh my God! [grabs Charlie] You tell me how
much longer this thing is gonna last!!
|
| Charlie: |
Huh nowuh, let's see. At normal speed, snake lasts
three minutes, this is in con- athuthuthuthuthu a normal snake-
|
| The Mayor: |
So when does it run out?!
|
| Charlie: |
November. Of next year.
|
| The Mayor: |
Oh, hell!
|
|
[The rest of the crowd rushes off in all
directions. Kyle picks up a violin and starts playing a dirge. Stan
returns and looks at him, then takes up his own violin. Then come
Cartman, Bill, Fosse, and the black kid to take up their instruments.
This time, they sound pretty good]
|
|
[July 5, 6 A.M., Stark's Pond.
News 4 coverage resumes]
|
| Creamy Goodness: |
Well, we're coming up on
nine hours, and the giant snake of South Park shows no signs of
stopping. Residents have tried everything from firehoses to yelling at
it to make the snake stop. But nothing seems to work.
|
| Tom: |
Thanks, Creamy. Police are advising all
citizens to stay indoors, not breathe the ashen air, and not ever light
any giant snakes in the near future.
|
|
[The snake is now some thirty feet wide and moving down
South Park's main thoroughfare, incinerating everything in its path]
|
| Stan: |
Man, this sucks!
|
| Kyle: |
What should we do, dude? The big snake keeps growing;
it's gonna demolish the whole state soon.
|
| Stan: |
Well we should do what we always do: ask Chef.
|
| Cartman: |
Where is Chef?
|
|
[An island in the Caribbean]
|
| Chef: |
[singing to some waitresses, one of them holding a
phone]
[slowly] Baby you know you're the girrrl, for meeee
And aallll that I want to bee-ee-ee-ee is
[faster, with a beat] You. And me. And her. Simultaneous
You. And me. And you, and you! Simultaneous
Lovin', baby. Two or three, heheh. Simultaneous
Ooo, that's right!
[rrring. He answers] Hello? What? Oh, hello, children!
It's a what? A giant snake?! Killing everybody?! Growing bigger?!
Children, you know I rarely say this, but, wellll… fudge ya.
[hangs up and resumes singing]
Simultaneous
You. And me. And you, and you! Simultaneous
Lovin', baby. Two or three, heheh.
|
|
[South Park. The smoke is
heavy in the air. Stan hangs up the phone]
|
| Kyle: |
What did he say?
|
| Stan: |
Dude, I think he told us to go fuck ourselves.
|
| Cartman: |
Wow!
|
| Kyle: |
How's that gonna help?
|
| Anchor: |
All over America, the effects of the giant ash snake of
South Park can be seen. [on
the U.S. map behind him, the snake is shown having separated into four
snakes. The first has gone through the Northwest and backtracked into
Canada. The second has gone into the Great Plains and is headed for the
East Coast. The third has gone down into Texas and the South, and the
fourth has gone through the Southwest and is now in Northern Mexico]
|
|
[Utah. Mormons are gathered at
a river to welcome new members into the Church. Baptism, you know]
|
| Preacher: |
Yea, let the Spirit of Heavenly Father be blessed upon
you. [dunks the catechumen into the river]
|
| Assistant: |
From this day on, all will be well. [the new member
pops up]
|
| New Mormon: |
I already feel like things are getting better. [Snake
One comes and engulfs them all]
|
| All: |
Aaaaa- [Oh, well]
|
|
[New York. Mr. Garrison's
voice can be heard over some music]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
… and I can't sleep or think uh. [on a
psychiatrist's couch] Where would he have gone? Why would he leave?
|
| Psychiatrist: |
Well um, let me ask you this: why-? Where, where do you
think… Mr. Hat… went?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
How the fuck should I know?! If I knew that, I wouldn't
be seein' a fuckin' psychiatrist, would I?!
|
| Psychiatrist: |
Well… I guess, I I see what you're saying,
you know.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
At first, I was sure 'at one of
the children took it. But then I remembered that Mr. Hat and I actually
had a fight that morning.
|
| Psychiatrist: |
Um. Ahem. [long pause] Are you gay?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[jumps up] What?!
|
| Psychiatrist: |
It's it'suh it's just ag, it's just a question.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[disgusted] Are you propositioning me?!
|
| Psychiatrist: |
No.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Well, I can tell you that I am 100% NOT GAY.
|
| Psychiatrist: |
Well I, I believe you, uh Ibe- absolutely believe you.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Mr. Hat, on the other hand…
|
| Psychiatrist: |
Mr. Hat was gay?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Sometimes he fantasizes about same-sex relations.
|
| Psychiatrist: |
I see.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Sometimes Mr. Hat liked to pretend he was in a sauna
with Brett Favre, and a bottle of Thousand Island dressing.
|
| Psychiatrist: |
That I did not need to know.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Well, I'm just sayin…
|
| Psychiatrist: |
Mr. Garrison, I think that Mr.
Hat was actually your gay side trying to come out. You see, it's it's
you that's gay, but, but you're in denial. So, you act out your gay
persona, with a homosexual puppet. [Garrison doesn't say anything] What
do you think about that?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
I think you're the looney one in this room. [the
psychiatrist looks insulted. Snake Two bounds over several buildings,
knocking them off their foundations. It smashes through the
psychiatrist's window and pins him]
|
| Psychiatrist: |
AaaaAAaaAaaaAagh [his eyebrows burn off, then the rest
of him burns up. The snake does not touch the sofa]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[stands up and points at the remains] Serves you right,
you gay-bashing homo!
|
|
[Texas prison, high security.
Jimbo and Ned share a cell]
|
| Jimbo: |
Well Ned, looks like we missed Fourth of July again.
|
| Ned: |
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm yup.
|
| Jimbo: |
Dammit. Those poor kids must've been so disappointed to
have nothin' but them stupid wussy snakes to light.
|
| Ned: |
Mmm, well better luck next year ghm.
|
| Jimbo: |
Yeah, you're right. Okay, let's try again.
|
| Ned: |
Mmmm-is anyone other than the two of you riding in this
vehicle?
|
| Jimbo: |
No.
|
| Ned: |
Mmmm-do you have any firearms or explosives in the car.
|
| Jimbo: |
Yes? [Ned shakes his head] Dammit, I got it wrong
again! What's the answer again? [Snake Three makes its way to the
prison and smashes through the wall of their cell. Jimbo is startled]
Holy smokes! What the hell is that?!
|
| Ned: |
Mmm-it looks like my ex-wife!
|
| Jimbo: |
Quick, Ned. This is our chance! The Hummer is outside!
|
|
[Green Bay, Wisconsin]
|
|
[A sauna. Brett Favre, wearing No. 4,
enters it and removes his shirt, but keeps the towel on. Mr. Hat is
already seated on the lower bench]
|
| Brett Favre: |
Hi, I haven't seen you in here before. [Mr. Hat blinks
and looks at him. Look who's coming to dinner…]
|
|
[South Park City Hall. The
coverage continues]
|
| Reporter: |
As more and more cities are affected by the growing ash
and the death toll rises to 3000, [a tree inexplicably falls over]
people from all over the country are looking to the Mayor of South Park
for answers. [the hall doors open and the Mayor's aides step forward]
Heh- And it appears as if the Mayor is going to explain matters now.
|
| Aide 1: |
Uh, ladies and gentlmen, the Mayor regrets that she
cannot be here herself, but she is… sick
|
| Reporter 2: |
Sick?! What kind of lame excuse is that?!
|
| Print Reporter: |
You gotta be kidding me!
|
| Reporter 3: |
Ooh, this is rediculous!
|
| Reporter 4: |
Come on! We want answers!
|
| Other Reporters: |
Come on! Come on. Aaww. Come on.
|
| Aide 2: |
Op peh sh she's having her period. [the reporters fall
silent. Reporter 3 gasps quietly]
|
| Reporter 4: |
[softly] Oh.
|
| Aide 1: |
We do, however, have an official
statement for all the concerened cities about thee matter with thee
giant snake that we can't seem to put out.
|
| Aide 2: |
[pulls out the statement and reads it] We're sorry. Our
bad.
|
| Aide 1: |
Thank you, that is all. [they turn around and go back
into City Hall. The reporters are left grousing]
|
|
[The community pool]
[Cartman is swimming all alone in the pool] |
| Cartman: |
Okay. No first graders around. I can swim to the deep
end. [starts swimming] Yeh. I can do it. I can do it. I can do, I'm
gonna make it. [from his view, the diving board is getting closer and
closer]
|
|
[From the space shuttle, the
snakes can be seen growing longer and longer across the face of the
nation]
|
|
[Stark's Pond. The disk
is still producing the snake. Stan and Kyle sit under a tree with
nothing to do, and next to them a man rests on a billboard with this
message on it] |
| Stan: |
How many days left in summer?
|
| Kyle: |
A lot, I think.
|
| Stan: |
Dammit, I just want it to snow again!
|
| Kyle: |
I don't think it matters, dude. This giant snake is
gonna kill everytone soon. [Jimbo and Ned drive up]
|
| Jimbo: |
Buenos gracias, boys.
|
| Stan: |
Hi, Uncle Jimbo.
|
| Jimbo: |
Aw, hell, why the long faces?
|
| Kyle: |
We're bored.
|
| Stan: |
There's nothin' to do.
|
| Jimbo: |
Weelll, I don't think those are problems that some
Tijuana bottle rockets can't solve. [reaches into the Hummer's trunk
and pulls out the boxes containing the rockets]
|
| Stan, Kyle: |
Hooray! [the man next to them smiles. They go get the
rockets]
|
| Jimbo: |
Careful with those, now. Those are dangerous. [Stan and
Kyle set up the rockets and Jimbo lights them. The rockets are as big
as the boys] Point them away from your eyes now.
|
| Kyle: |
Wow. These are huge! [and boy, is he glad they are]
|
| Jimbo: |
Aw, look at 'em, Ned. Look how much happiness a little
firepower can bring to a child.
|
|
[The rockets are launched and they head
for the snake. Upon impact, the snake falls apart, and the base of it
loses its fire. Ash now rains down upon everyone]
|
| Kyle: |
Hey, look! We blew up the snake! [cheers are heard all
around him]
|
| Citizen: |
All the ash from the snake is putting the flame out.
|
| Jimbo: |
Hwell, how do you like that? The bottle rockets saved
the Fourth of July!
|
| Stan, Kyle: |
Hooray! [crowds begin to gather]
|
|
[The community pool. Cartman
has almost reached his goal]
|
| Cartman: |
I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it to the deep end.
[he touches the wall at the 9½ foot mark] I did it! I did
it! I made it to the deep end! Hooray for me!!
|
| Instructor: |
The snake's been destroyed. The pool's open! [she
removes the 'Pool closed' sign]
|
| Cartman: |
Huh? [kids rush in from all
around and jump in. The instructor blows her whistle. The kids start
swimming and the pool turns a bright, buttery yellow in a flash] |
| Kids: |
Yay, yippee, yippee [laughter all around]
|
| Cartman: |
OH MY GOD, YOU SONS OF BITCHES! AW, SONS OF BITCHES!
[makes his way out along the edge of the pool]
|
|
[Stark's Pond]
|
| Citizen 2: |
Look, they put out the snake! Yoohoo!
|
| Others: |
Yay.
|
| The Mayor: |
[shows up] A yeh-a yes. Apparently, my plan too- blow
up the snake wworked perfectly. [Ned, Jimbo, Stan, and Kyle look at her]
|
| Kyle: |
Hey, look! It's snowing! [the others, and the crowd,
look and ponder]
|
| Jimbo: |
Well, it's snowing black ash, but what the hell.
|
|
[Clyde, Jordan, the redhead, and the
black kid cheer and dance around in the ash. The camera starts to pan
around. The mountains are now capped in ash. Stan and Kyle work on an
ash man, and Pip is singing with his family once again. His parents are
not dead. Clyde and another kid take a sled down an ash drift]
|
| Stan: |
[soiled with ash] Winter's back! [So is Mr. Garrison,
holding something other than Mr. Hat. Kyle looks on as he approaches]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Wow, it's a black blizzard!
|
| Kyle: |
Mr. Garrison! Where's Mr. Hat?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Oh, I'm through with Mr. Hat. He's a two-timin' whore.
From now on, children, you're all gonna be learning from Mr. Twig. [a
twig dressed in a purple jacket like Mr. Hat's, but with a small
triangle near the left lapel]
|
| Mr. Twig: |
That's right, children. I'll see you in the fall.
|
| Stan: |
Well, I can hardly wait.
|
|
[All is quiet now. Chef drives
up and steps out]
|
| Chef: |
Hey, children, everybody! I'm back! I'm back from
Aruba! What the-? [before
him, some kids play on ash-covered ground. They are pretty much in
black-face. Cartman has joined Stan and Kyle in working on the ashman.]
|
| Stan: |
Hey, Chef.
|
| Cartman: |
How's it going?
|
|
[Chef look around. A couple is clearing out ash from
the main street]
|
| Man: |
Howdy, Chef. How was your summer vacation?
|
| Chef: |
Okay! Eeeeeehverybody get into line, so I can whup all
your asses!
|
|
[End of Summer Sucks. "Simultaneous Lovin' " plays] |
