|
[Hell's Pass Hospital. Sharon
and the doctor stand before Shelley's bed.]
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
It's a good thing we got her to the hospital in time.
|
| Sharon: |
But what's wrong with her?
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
It's chicken pox. There seems to
be a small epidemic going around. Your daughter never had the chicken
pox as a little child, I take it?
|
| Sharon: |
No, uh-no, she's been perfectly healthy.
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Well, that's the problem. You
see, chicken pox is a pretty normal thing for young children. But as
you get older it becomes more and more a- ferocious disease. [the door
opens and Stan enters]
|
| Sharon: |
[sweetly] Shelley, look who's come to visit you; your
little brother, Stan.
|
| Shelley: |
[in disgust] Oh, whoo-peee!
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
You know, most people don't realize that chicken pox is
actually a form of herpes.
|
| Stan: |
Dude, you've got herpes on your face!
|
| Shelley: |
Shut up, brat!
|
| Sharon: |
[with some urgency] Will my daughter be okay?
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
She'll be fine.
|
| Shelley: |
[Stan scratches her cheek] Stop it!
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
We just want to be cautious and monitor her here.
|
| Stan: |
[A crash is heard, and Sharon and the doctor look on in
surprise] OOOWWW! [Shelley has knocked Stan down]
|
| Sharon: |
Come on, Stanley. Give your sister a kiss and then we
have to go.
|
|
[The Broflovski house. Sharon,
Sheila, and Liane are seated at the dining room table. Ike is playing
in his high chair]
|
| Sharon: |
…and then the doctor said that it's much
worse as you get older. My daughter is in pretty bad shape now, but if
she were in her twenties, she could die.
|
| Sheila: |
My God, I never knew chicken pox was such a dangerous
illness.
|
| Liane: |
I guess it's much better to get it when you're young.
|
| Sharon: |
So tell me if I'm crazy, but I started thinking that we
should intentionally have our boys play with a child who has the
chicken pox. Let them get it now, while they're young.
|
| Sheila: |
That's not crazy at all, Sharon. Mothers do it all the
time.
|
| Liane: |
Oh, yes. When I was a child, my mother had me go over
to a little girl's house who had the chicken pox, just so I would get
it.
|
| Sharon: |
So it's not such a crazy idea after all?
|
| Sheila: |
Noo, no. And I'm pretty sure that strange little boy
Kenny has the chicken pox right now. [Kyle, Stan, and Cartman walk up
to the table]
|
| Kyle: |
Are you guys having a meeting or something?
|
| Sheila: |
How would you boys like to have a little slumber party
at your friend Kenny's house tonight?
|
| Cartman: |
No way, dude. Kenny's family's poor; they live in the
ghetto.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. Let's just have a slumber party here.
|
| Sharon: |
Boys, you're going to sleep over at Kenny's, and that's
final!
|
| Cartman: |
Oh weak!
|
|
[The boys have gone home to
gather their things. Now they meet up and walk to Kenny's house]
|
| Kyle: |
I wonder why our moms want us to sleep over at Kenny's
so bad.
|
| Stan: |
Yeah, it's pretty weird. [the boys cross some railroad
tracks]
|
| Kyle: |
Well, all I can say is, he's better have Nintendo!
[they
come to a house with an orange cat and a small gray dog. Strewn about
the yard are a motor, a sofa, a refrigator, a pack of beer
bottles…] Well, here's Kenny's house.
|
| Cartman: |
In the ghetto
On a cold and gray Chicago morn another little baby
child is born
In the ghetto In the ghetto
|
| Mr. McCormick: |
[Stan knocks and the door opens] Yeah?
|
| Stan: |
We're here to have a slumber party with Kenny.
|
| Mr. McCormick: |
[beer in hand] What? Don't you know Kenny's sick with-?
|
| Mrs. McCormick: |
[intruding] That's the whole point, remember?? Their
moms want them to catch it while they're young.
|
| Mr. McCormick: |
Oh yeah.
|
| Stan: |
Catch what?
|
| Mrs. McCormick: |
Nothin'. Uhco-uh, come on in, I was jus' makin' dinner.
[the boys follow the parents in. Shag carpeting, another sofa, an
engine block doubling as a coffee table, a beer sign…]
|
| Cartman: |
And his momma cried
'Cause if there's one thing that she don't need is
another little hungry mouth to feed
In the ghetto In the ghetto
|
| Stan: |
[Mr. McCormick sits in his armchair] Sshh! Cartman!
|
| Cartman: |
What?
|
| Mrs. McCormick: |
[setting table] Kenny, your little friends are here!
Come play with them!
|
| Kenny: |
(No, Mom, I'm seriously sick!)
|
| Mrs. McCormick: |
I know you're sick! Now get your buns out here!
|
| Kyle: |
Heheheh, bun.
|
| Kenny: |
[walks up to the other boys] (Hey you guys, what's
goin' on?)
|
| Stan: |
Whoa, dude! You've got herpes on your face, too!
|
| Cartman: |
[scanning] Where is the- Nintendo?
|
| Mr. McCormick: |
We don't have a Nintendo. We got a ColecoVision hooked
up to the black-and-white TV. [rats scurry near it]
|
| Kyle: |
Oh my God. This is like a third-world country.
|
| Mrs. McCormick: |
[now finished setting table] Throw your sleeping bags
in Kenny's room and then come grab some dinner.
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, good. I'm starving.
|
|
[The boys are seated,
as are Kenny's parents. Kenny's older brother comes to table. All there
is to eat is a plate of 5 or 6 frozen waffles and a toaster to toast
them in. The boys can only wonder]
|
| Mrs. McCormick: |
Let's say grace. [The boys put their hands together]
|
| Mr. McCormick: |
Lord, we thank you for this staggering payload of
frozen waffles you have bestowed upon us. Andn since we have been faithful
to you, we know that you will send us some good fortune one of these
days, even though you sure as hell seem to be taking your sweet time.
Amen.
|
| All: |
Amen.
|
| Cartman: |
Pfff
|
| Mrs. McCormick: |
Okay, let's dig in. [drops a waffle into the toaster]
|
| Kenny's brother: |
That one's mine, that one's mine!
|
| Cartman: |
[coolly] What kind of side dishes will we be enjoying
this evening with our frozen waffles? [everyone stops and waits] Am I
to understand there will be no side dishes?
|
| Mr. McCormick: |
So, Kyle, your dad's still bringing home those big,
fat, lawyer paychecks?
|
| Kyle: |
I don't know.
|
| Mrs. McCormick: |
Stuart, don't even get started! [she points at him]
|
| Stuart: |
[to his wife] What? I'm just askin' a question. [to
Kyle] You know, your dad and I used to be best friends when we were
teenagers. We would work together at Pizza Shack. But he got promoted
and went off to community college and I didn't. And you know why?
'Cause your dad's Jewish!
|
| Cartman: |
Puh. I heard that!
|
| Mrs. McCormick: |
That aint why, Stuart! [sadness creeps into her voice]
It's because you are an alcoholic retard and he had dreams of not
eating frozen waffles for dinner every night! [thump]
|
| Stuart: |
Hey, is it my fault you don't know how to cook?!
|
| Mrs. McCormick: |
What am I supposed to do with frozen waffles,
clamhead?! You put 'em in the toaster and you cook 'em!
|
| Stuart: |
You just don't know how to used spices and stuff.
|
| Kenny's brother: |
[gleefully] My waffle's d-hun, my waffle's d-hu-hun!
|
| Mrs. McCormick: |
Now Kevin, we ain't got enough for everybody. You have
to split that with your brother.
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, Jesus. Are you fucking kidding me?
|
| Stuart: |
Ey! We don't say 'fuck' at the table, you little
asshole!
|
| Cartman: |
[hushed] Heh, we apparently don't say 'side dishes' at
the table, either.
|
| Kenny: |
(Aa-choo!)
|
| Mrs. McCormick: |
Kenny, honey, if you're going to sneeze, sneeze on
them.
|
| Stan: |
Huh?
|
| Kenny: |
[turning to Cartman] (Waa-choo!)
|
| Cartman: |
[recoiling] Ey! [he closes both his eyes, but then
opens the right one]
|
|
[Kenny's room. The boys
enter it. Kenny has two posters of bikini-clad women and one of a 4X4
monster truck. His curtains are tatters and his dresser drawer is a
battered suitcase. His bed has no frame to rest on]
|
| Cartman: |
Man, your family sucks ass, Kenny. Whoever heard of
frozen waffles for dinner?
|
| Kyle: |
Come on! Let's just get in our sleeping bags and get
this night over with!
|
|
[The boys go to their respective sleeping bags while Kenny goes to
his bed. The boys roll down their bags and this is what the bags say] |
| Kyle: |
Cartman! What the hell is that?!
|
| Cartman: |
It's my Urkel sleeping bag. Isn't it coool??
|
| Kyle: |
No, it's not cool!
|
| Stan: |
Dude, I think I just saw a rat!
|
| Cartman: |
Agh! You have rats in your house, too, Kenny?!
|
| Kenny: |
(Uh-huh.)
|
| Cartman: |
Dude, seriously, you'd better stop being so poor, or
else I'm gonna start huckin' rocks atcha.
|
| Stan: |
I don't think it's very healthy to sleep with rats.
|
| Kenny: |
(Well, there's gonna be a bunch of rats until they put
the freakin' ceiling in.)
|
| Stan: |
Oh. [the boys settle in, and Kenny claps twice. The
lights go out]
|
| Kenny: |
(Aa-choo!)
|
|
[The next day. The boys
have gone back home. First up: Stan's house. Stan has a thermometer in
his mouth and the first pox on his face]
|
| Sharon: |
Okay, lemme see. [withdraws it and reads it] Oh, goody!
You've got a fever!
|
| Stan: |
[mad] Goody?? What do you mean, 'goody'?!
|
| Sharon: |
Yyup, it looks like you've got chicken pox alright.
|
| Stan: |
Chicken po-? Oh no, I must have caught it from Kenny
last night.
|
| Sharon: |
Oh, gee, I guess you did.
|
| Stan: |
Well, you sure seem happy about it!
|
| Sharon: |
All right, it's off to bed with you, young man.
|
|
[Cartman's house. Cartmn is on
the sofa picking at his pox]
|
| Liane: |
Don't scratch it, hon.
|
| Cartman: |
[whining] But mom, seriously, it itches. I can't stand
it!
|
| Liane: |
No, hon.
|
| Cartman: |
Mom, seriously, it itches. It itches.
|
| Liane: |
Here, I got you some calamine lotion. [hands the bottle
to him]
|
| Cartman: |
I don't wanna.
|
| Liane: |
It'll make your itches go away. [she opens the bottle
and rubs some lotion on his face]
|
| Cartman: |
Ugh. Uunnh. [she stops] Ey, give me that! [he takes the
bottle and rubs some more lotion on his face. Then, deeply] Aaaaaah!
|
| Liane: |
Not too much, hon. It says on the bottle that too much
can be bad.
|
| Cartman: |
More calamine lotion!
|
|
[Kyle's house. His parents
look him over]
|
| Sheila: |
I don't understand it. He's perfectly healthy.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. I feel great!
|
| Sheila: |
Are you sure you stayed over at Kenny's house?
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah, dude. I told you, we had bread sandwiches for
breakfast.
|
| Sheila: |
Did you sleep in the same room?
|
| Kyle: |
Yes. Why?
|
| Sheila: |
Bubbe, how would you like to spend the night at your
friend Kenny's house again?
|
| Kyle: |
Nno way, dude! It sucked ass! They don't even have
cable! |
| Sheila: |
Well I think you need to spend more time with your
friends.
|
| Kyle: |
Kenny's not really my friend, Ma. I don't give a rats
ass about him.
|
| Sheila: |
I'm gonna give Mrs. McCormick a call.
|
| Kyle: |
Aawwww! Hey Dad. Is it true that you and Kenny's dad
used to be best friends when you were young?
|
| Gerald: |
Who? Stuart? Yeah, yeah, I guess we were.
|
| Kyle: |
Well how come Kenny's family eats frozen waffles for
dinner and has rats on the floor, and we have a big house and lots of
food?
|
| Gerald: |
Well, because Kenny's family doesn't have as much money
as we do.
|
| Kyle: |
But why? If they're hungry and poor, why don't we just
always give them half of our food?
|
| Gerald: |
Ha ha ha ha ha! Ooh-ho boy, have you got a lot to
learn! Sit down, son. [Gerald sits and motions for Kyle to sit on his
lap] You see, Kyle, we humans work as a society, and in order for a
society to thrive, we need gods, and clods.
|
| Kyle: |
Gods and clods?
|
| Gerald: |
Yes. You see, I spent a lot of time
going to law school, and I was able to go because I have a slightly
higher intellect than others. But I still need people to pump my gas,
and make my French fries, and fix my laundry machine when it breaks
down.
|
| Kyle: |
Oooohh, I see. Gods and clods!
|
| Gerald: |
That's right. So Kenny's family is happy just the way
they are, and we're all a functioning part of America.
|
|
[Stan's house, night time.
Stan is in bed, motionless]
|
| Sharon: |
[enters] Stanley, can I get you anything else? [draws
closer and feels his forehead] Stanley? Ohmigod! Randy?! Randy, hurry,
he's burning up!
|
|
[Next day, Hell's Pass
Hospital. Stan now lies next to Shelley. Their parents are also present]
|
| Sharon: |
Don't you worry, Stanley. You're going to be okay.
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
[entering] Can I talk to you outside?
|
| Sharon: |
Kids, Daddy and I are gonna be right back, okay?
|
| Stan: |
Okay.
|
| Shelley: |
[now that they're alone] Serves you right, you little
brat!
|
| Stan: |
Well at least I'm not gonna die from it like you might!
Hahahahah!
|
| Shelley: |
If I die from this, I'm taking you with me.
|
| TV Voice: |
["Passion Cramps"] Will Carol find out she's a fa-?
|
| Stan: |
I don't wanna watch this! I wanna watch Terrance and
Phillip!
|
| Shelley: |
[threatening] We're watching this.
|
| Stan: |
Well I've got the remote, bitch! Hahaha. [Click]
|
| Phillip: |
Say, Terrance? Will you check my ass for abnormalities?
[raises his leg high]
|
| Terrance: |
Sure thing, Phillip. [sticks his head in there, and
Phillip farts on it] Ah ha ha ha, you got me again! [Stan laughs]
|
| Phillip: |
That's tomfoolery. [Stan laughs, as do Terrance and
Phillip]
|
| Shelley: |
Give me the remote!
|
| Stan: |
No way, dude! We're gonna watch Terrance and Phillip
aall day- [she reaches over to his bed, presses a switch, and his bed
fold him in] Ey! Get me out of here! [she takes the remote and switches
channels]
|
| TV Voice: |
["Passion Cramps"] She was-
|
|
[outside the room]
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
He'll be okay. But it's a good idea for us to monitor
him for a while.
|
| Sharon: |
[anxious] Oh God, what have we done?
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
There there now, it's not your fault.
|
| Randy: |
Doctor, we-uuuh purposefully-ee sent our son to stay
with a friend who had chickien pox so that he would get it early.
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Oh, wow. You did? Wow… You guys suck.
|
|
[Kenny's house. Kyle and his
mom are visiting. She's talking with Mrs. McCormick in the dining room.
Kenny and Kyle enter]
|
| Kyle: |
Could we go home now, Ma?
|
| Sheila: |
No, bubbeleh. You play with Kenny some more.
|
| Kyle: |
But we've been playing for eight hours. We can't think
of anything else to do.
|
| Sheila: |
I've got a grrreat game for you. It's called "ooky
mouth".
|
| Kyle: |
What's "ooky mouth"?
|
| Sheila: |
First, you let Kenny spit in your mouth. Then you try
to swallow his spit and say "ooky mouth" at the same time.
|
| Kyle: |
Sick, dude!
|
| Sheila: |
No, no, bubbe, it's loads of fun. Try it. [Kenny and
Kyle look at each other and walk away] That ought to take care of it.
|
| Mrs. McCormick: |
You want some more hot water?
|
| Sheila: |
Oh, no thank you. It's terrific though, it's-. You
don't have any tea bags or coffee grounds to go in the hot water, do
you?
|
| Mrs. McCormick: |
Naw, we don't go for that hoidy-toidy rich folk stuff.
|
| Sheila: |
I see. Hwell, you certainly have aab- humble home, Mrs.
McCormick.
|
| Mrs. McCormick: |
Yehah, well, unfortonately my husband is a washed-up
hunk of shit!
|
| Sheila: |
Oh, I'm- sorry to hear that.
|
| Kyle: |
Ooky mouth! [Kenny spits in] Gross! I can't do it, Ma!
|
| Sheila: |
Try again, bubbe!
|
| Kyle: |
[Kenny spits] Aaah!
|
| Sheila: |
You know, your husband and mine used to work together
as teenagers.
|
| Mrs. McCormick: |
Oh they wuz best frayends; you couldn't separate 'em.
|
| Sheila: |
Really. I met Gerald in college, so I didn't know-uh.
What happened to them?
|
| Mrs. McCormick: |
Oh they jus' grew apart, I
guess. I think Stuart's a little jealous that your husband got out of
makin' pizzas and went on to make somethin' of hisself.
|
| Sheila: |
Well that's too bad. I'm sure your husband's a fine
man.
|
| Mrs. McCormick: |
Oh, hell no! He's a nugget o' deer turd!
|
| Sheila: |
But if they were such good friends it seems silly that
they don't even talk anymore. Let's get them together!
|
| Mrs. McCormick: |
Uh-I don't know.
|
| Sheila: |
We'll just arrange a little fishing trip for them or
something.
|
| Kyle: |
[returning with Kenny] I can't say "ooky mouth" and
have Kenny spit down my throat at the same time! It's impossible!
[There's spit on his face and on his hat]
|
| Sheila: |
Prrractice makes perfect, bubbe.
|
|
[Cartman's house. Cartmna's on
the sofa watching TV]
|
| Cartman: |
[scratching his face] Hey Ma, where's that calamine
lotion?!
|
| Terrance: |
[with clipboard] Phillip, I've got good news, and bad
news.
|
| Phillip: |
Give it to me straight, Terrance.
|
| Terrance: |
The good news is, you have a clean bill of health.
|
| Phillip: |
Oh, what a relief!
|
| Terrance: |
The bad news is, you have cancer. [Cartman is shocked]
|
| Phillip: |
Cancer??
|
| Terrance: |
Yes. I'm afraid your ass is collapsing.
|
| Phillip: |
My ass is collapsing?
|
| Terrance: |
Yes. See this X-ray? [turns it on] That's your ass. See
this line? [points to it] That's your ass collapsing. Your ass is
collapsing.
|
| Phillip: |
Will this mean that I won't be able to fart anymore?
|
| Terrance: |
No, it means that you won't be able to live anymore.
[they both laugh]
|
| Cartman: |
[somber] Oh, no. [the itching returns] Damnit! [Kyle
strolls by] No, Kitty! That's a b-wait a minute. Come 'ere, Kitty!
[Kitty jumps up and Cartman uses him as a scrubber] Uh. Yes. Uh.
|
| Liane: |
[closing a door] I'm back, hon. I got some more
calamine lotion. [she's been shopping]
|
| Cartman: |
[releases the cat] It's about friggin' time! Give me
that! [grabs the bag and hurries up the stairs]
|
| Liane: |
Just use a little bit of that stuff, hom. It has to
last a while.
|
|
[Cartman reaches the bathroom and closes
the door. Then he opens the bag and pulls out six bottles of the lotion
and pours them into the tub. Then he undresses and jumps into the tub
himself]
|
| Cartman: |
Uugh! [relief] Yeessss! [his voice trails off] Ooohhh
yyess, seriiously, it calms yer ass. Yeessss! [he sinks into the water
blissfully as bubble pop around him]
|
|
[Gone fishin'. Stuart drives
Gerald to a fishing site]
|
| Stuart: |
I didn't know you like to fish, Gerry.
|
| Gerald: |
Oh, yeah, love it! I haven't done it
for a while, though. I had to go out and buy a few things, you know a-.
A rod and a reel and a uh. Uuh.
|
| Stuart: |
Tackle box?
|
| Gerald: |
Yeah, tackle box. [stretches] Man, smell that mountain
air. What a great Saturday morning-aren't weekends just the best?
|
| Stuart: |
When you're uh-unemployed, weekends are meaningless.
|
| Gerald: |
Right. Right-right.
|
|
[Monday afternoon, South Park
Elementary. The dismissal bell rings]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
And so, children, that's how you tell a prostitute from
a policeman. Now, are there any questions? [Kyle raises his hand] Yes,
Kyle.
|
| Kyle: |
What the hell does that have to do with American
history?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Uhthat's a good question, Kyle. Are there any other
questions?
|
| Kyle: |
Mr. Garrison, I'm the only one here. Everyone else has
chicken herpes.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Right, right. Uub. Well, class,
I'm going to assign you all a paper. The theme of the paper will be,
"How I would make America better."
|
| Kyle: |
What?! Does everybody have to do it, or just me?!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Uhdon't worry, Kyle. I'm sending homework to all the
children who are out sick. They'll have to turn in a paper, too.
|
|
[Hell's Pass Hospital]
|
| Stan: |
Homework?! But I'm in the hospital!
|
| Sharon: |
Well, your teacher sent this stuff over for you to do
while you're sick.
|
| Stan: |
That son of a bitch! What kind of sick weirdo is he?
|
| Sharon: |
Now, Stanley, I know at your age
teachers can seem cold and heartless, but later, you'll understand that
he did this for your own good.
|
| Stan: |
Not Mr. Garrison, Ma. He really is a sick weirdo.
|
| Randy: |
Yeah, it's it's true, he is.
|
| Sharon: |
Oh. Well, anyway, here's a pencil and some paper. |
| Stan: |
Wait! Where are you going?!
|
| Randy: |
We're going down to-uuh Happy Burger for some
milkshakes.
|
| Stan: |
Milkshakes?!
|
| Sharon: |
Yeah, and then we're going to the movies.
|
| Randy: |
See ya, son. [they leave]
|
| Stan: |
Weak!
|
|
[Kyle's house. Kyle is on the
sofa working on his paper]
|
| Kyle: |
So this is how America
works. We have gods and clods. My dad says America needs both rich and
poor to survive, but I have a better idea.
|
| Sheila: |
[Kyle puts down pen and paper and walks over to the
kitchen] No I don't understand it, Dr. Schwartz. He's perfectly
healthy. [she's on the phone, he's by the microwave oven] He's been
over at Kenny's house three days in a row and still hasn't caught the
chicken pox.
|
| Kyle: |
[softly] What?
|
| Sheila: |
I don't know what else to do. We sent the other boys
over and they all got sick, but I can't get my little Kyle to catch it.
|
| Kyle: |
[frightened] Oh my God!
|
| Sheila: |
[turns] Kyle, oowhat are you doing there, honey?
|
| Kyle: |
[angry] You!
|
| Sheila: |
[subdued] I'll call you back, Dr. Schwartz. [hangs up]
|
| Kyle: |
You!
|
| Sheila: |
[walks over] What, bubbeleh, what is it?
|
| Kyle: |
You sent us over to Kenny's house on purpose! You wanted
us to get sick!
|
| Sheila: |
Oygh. It was for your own good, Kyle. I wanted you to
get chicken pox while you were young.
|
| Kyle: |
Why?! So I could be sitting in the hospital waiting to
die, like Stan?!
|
| Sheila: |
Now, Kyle, come here.
|
| Kyle: |
You get away from me, you crazy woman! [runs off]
|
| Sheila: |
Hoh boy.
|
|
[Down by the riverside. Stuart
and Gerald are fishing]
|
| Stuart: |
Beer?
|
| Gerald: |
Huh? Oh, uhno thanks. I brought my own: Microbrew
Sampler from Aspen. Has six different beers from local breweries.
[Stuart is expressionless] Sahay, remember that time we built the fort
in your mom's back yard?
|
| Stuart: |
Hu hu hu hu heh yeah. It took us damn near two years to
finish it, hu.
|
| Gerald: |
Hahah. Whatever happened to that old hunk o' junk, ha
ha.
|
| Stuart: |
[soberly] That's where I live now.
|
| Gerald: |
Oh. right.
|
|
[Hell's Pass Hospital. Stan is
working on his paper]
|
| Stan: |
And so that's why Knight Rider
was the best show in America.
|
| Kyle: |
[rushing in] Stan! Stan!
|
| Stan: |
[pointing to Shelley] Sshh. Wake her up and we're both
dead.
|
| Kyle: |
[softly] Sorry, sorry. You know how after we spent the
night at Kenny's house andand you and Cartman got sick with chicken
pox?
|
| Stan: |
Yeah.
|
| Kyle: |
Dude! Our parents sent us over there to get us sick!
|
| Stan: |
What are you talking about?
|
| Kyle: |
They knew that staying at Kenny's house would get us
sick, and they made us do it anyway.
|
| Stan: |
They did??
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. And I think I figured out why.
|
| Stan: |
Why?
|
| Kyle: |
Because they're a bunch of assholes.
|
| Stan: |
[long gasp] Of course!
|
| Kyle: |
Come on, dude. We've gotta get out of here. I don't
know what they're planning next, but it can't be good! [they rush out
of the room]
|
|
[Cartman's house.
Cartman is back in the tub, now working on his paper. Calamine lotion
bottles line the tub and litter the floor outside]
|
| Cartman: |
| I hope that one day America could be more like
Endor, where the Ewoks live. Endor is very cool. |
[the doorbell rings] Mom, answer that!
| They have trees and Ewoks, and barbecues, which
is why I like Endor more than America. |
Oh… kaayy. [Kyle and Stan rush into the bathroom]
|
| Kyle: |
Cartman, do you remember how we all spent the night at
Kenny's a couple of days ago?
|
| Cartman: |
I rmember frozen waffles, but no side dishes.
|
| Stan: |
Cartman, our parents sent us over there to catch
chicken pox from Kenny!
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah, dude. Your mom wanted you to have herpes on your
face.
|
| Cartman: |
She what?!
|
| Stan: |
It's some kind of parental consipracy. Our parents are
trying to kill us or something.
|
| Cartman: |
That bitch! I'm gonna go downstairs and kick her square
in the nuts
|
| Kyle: |
Nononono. Come on, fatass, we're gonna get 'em all
back.
|
|
[Down by the riverside]
|
| Gerald: |
Well I'm sure you'll find another job soon.
Something'll come along.
|
| Stuart: |
Not that easy. You were lucky.
|
| Gerald: |
Now, now-I, I wasn't lucky.
|
| Stuart: |
You had rich parents. You got to go to that expensive
community college.
|
| Gerald: |
Hey! I worked my ass off to get to where I am today!
[rising] I wanted to be somebody!
|
| Stuart: |
[rising] I wanted to be somebody, too! I just wasn't
born with a silver enema up my ass!
|
| Gerald: |
You're just jealous. You're a bitter old drunk, just
like your father! [Stuart punches him down] Ow. [gets up]
|
| Stuart: |
Now don't make me do that again! [hits him again]
|
| Gerald: |
Ow! You son of a bitch! [chokes Stuart. They start
tugging at each other]
|
| Stuart: |
Uh.
|
| Gerald: |
Ow!
|
| Stuart: |
Oh!
|
| Gerald: |
Ow! [ends up on the floor again]
|
| Stuart: |
Eeaaaahh! [jumps and drops an elbow on Gerald]
|
| Gerald: |
[in pain] Huuuh!
|
|
[Hell's Pass Hospital. Stan's
parents are visiting]
|
| Randy: |
Doctor?
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Yes.
|
| Randy: |
Wuhwhere's Stan?
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Stan?
|
| Randy: |
Stan, our son?
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Oh, yes. Where is Stan?
|
| Sharon: |
You mean Stanley's missing?
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
No, no. He's not missing. We just… can't
seem to find him at this moment.
|
| Sharon: |
[to Randy] Oh my God! Our son ran away!
|
| Randy: |
Will he be okay, out of the hospital?
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Oh sure, sure. But we have to get him back soon. If he
doesn't get his antibiotic shot today, he could die.
|
| Sharon: |
Die??
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Yes, die. It won't be any easy death, either. The
chicken pox will slowly move down his trachea into his lungs.
|
| Randy: |
Okay, well well, let's go look!
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
As he chokes for breath the pox will move through his
inner ear into his brain, making him think his David Duchovny.
|
| Sharon: |
Oh God, no!
|
| Randy: |
I'ma I'm sure he couldn't have gone far.
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Now moving on all fours and wheezing uncontrollably,
his cellular structure will regress into a gelatinous mass of-
|
|
[Kyle's house. Sheila looks
after Ike, who plays with a toy truck. Gerald enters]
|
| Sheila: |
So how was it? Did you boys have a good time fishing?
|
| Gerald: |
[tattered] That son of a bitch ripped my parka! [and
tore his hat and pants, gave him a black eye, mangled his fishing
line… He closes the door and walks to the sofa]
|
| Sheila: |
Catch anything?
|
| Gerald: |
I just don't get it. [drops the pole] Why would he
invite me fishing and then turn into a complete bastard?
|
| Sheila: |
Well, darling, I have to tell you something. He didn't
invite you. I set the whole thing up.
|
| Gerald: |
What? Now why the hell would you knowingly deceive me
like that?
|
| Sheila: |
I thought it would be good for you!
|
| Gerald: |
Just like you deceived our son into going to Kenny's?
And that didn't work, either!
|
| Sheila: |
[exasperated, she leaves] I'm doing the best I can!
|
|
[Gerald picks up the paper on the sofa and looks over
it]
|
| Gerald: |
[reading]
"My Final Solution
By Kyle Broflovski"
My dad is the smartest guy in the whole wide world. He has taught
me that all poor people are actually things called clods. I wanna live
in a world of only gods, so my idea to make Ameica better is put all
the
poor people into camps.
What?!
If we get rid of them, there will be nothing but rich people. And
there won't be any hunger, poverty, or homeless people. 'Cause they'll
all be dead. The end.
Oh, God. What have I done? |
|
[Chef's house. He's watching
Terrance and Phillip]
|
| Phillip: |
[both are on tables with only their heads and asses
exposed] What's happening here, Terrance?
|
| Terrance: |
We're doing an anal transplant. It's our only hope.
|
| Phillip: |
Who's the donor?
|
| Terrance: |
I am, Phillip. I am.
|
| Phillip: |
Terrance! You're giving up your ass for me?
|
| Terrance: |
Just half my ass. Can you believe it, Phillip? Best
friends, and now we're going to share the same ass.
|
| Chef: |
[hears some knocking] Oh, damn it. Not now! [goes to
answer the door. Stan, Kyle and Cartman wait] Damn it! Children, what
are you doing here? Terrance and Phillip are about to go into surgery!
|
| Kyle: |
Chef. We wanna know about herpes.
|
| Chef: |
What makes you think I would know anything about that?
|
| Kyle: |
Well I don't know. You're just the only grownup we
trust.
|
| Stan: |
How does someone get herpes?
|
| Chef: |
Well you get it by sharin' relations
with somebody who already has it. You have to be veerryy careful arond
someone who has herpes.
|
| Kyle: |
Do you know anybody with herpes?
|
| Chef: |
Well, there's old Frida down on Main Street. She has a
mouthful of herpes. You need to stay away from her.
|
| Stan: |
But what if we want to give somebody herpes?
|
| Chef: |
Oh, then, Frida's the right person to go to.
|
| Kyle: |
Cool! Thanks, Chef!
|
| Chef: |
O-kay! [Closes the door and goes back to his armchair.
The boys leave] Wait a minute. What the hell did I just do?
|
|
[Main Street. Randy and Sharon
drive around looking for Stan.]
|
| Sharon: |
Stanley?
|
| Randy: |
Stan?
|
| Sharon: |
[softly] Oh, Stanley, where are youuu?
|
| Randy: |
Stan?
|
| Sharon: |
Stanley?! [the car makes a right
two blocks down, and the kids appear a block closer. They walk up the
block and see an old redhead smoking a cigarette]
|
| Kyle: |
Are you old Frida?
|
| Frida: |
[raspily] Who wants to know?
|
| Kyle: |
Someone who wants a favor.
|
| Frida: |
Ten dollars a lay, five dollars a b-nut. [snorts]
|
| Kyle: |
[to Stan, thows his hands up] Huh?
|
| Cartman: |
We want you to give our parents herpes.
|
| Frida: |
[puffs out] Five dollars.
|
| Stan: |
My dad has five dollars on top of his dresser. [coughs]
|
| Kyle: |
Damn, you sound pretty sick. Maybe you should go back
to the hospital.
|
| Stan: |
And have Shelley kick my ass? No thanks. Plus, I have
to get my parents back just as much as you do!
|
|
[The boys hire Frida and take her to each
of their houses. First stop, Stan's house. She goes into the bathroom
and uses Randy's and Sharon's toothbrushes. Stan and Kyle smile, then
Stan holds out his right thumb in approval. In the kitchen, Frida chugs
away at a jar of milk, then sends the milk right back into the jar.
Next stop: Kyle's house. She goes into the master bedroom and uses
Sheila's lipsticks. Then she goes to the kitchen and soils the
silverware by putting each and every utensil under her armpits. Stan
and Kyle jump for joy and high-five each other. Last stop: Cartman's
house. She goes into Liane's room and pulls out some panties, then rubs
them all over her face. Cartman jumps for joy. They all return to
Stan's house, and she licks away at some wine glasses and the phone
receiver. Stan and Kyle high-five each other again. Finally, they pay
her and she leaves]
|
| Stan: |
Thanks a lot, Frida!
|
| Frida: |
[hacks] Don't mention it. [hacks again, pockets the
money, and walks away]
|
| Kyle: |
D-hude, this is gonna be so killer. They're all gonna
get herpes!
|
| The boys: |
Hooray! [Stan coughs and the adults burst into the
room. Fear strikes the boys]
|
| Randy: |
Stanley, where the hell have you been?
|
| Sharon: |
Damn it, Stanley, you had us worried sick! You have to
get back to the hospital for a shot!
|
| Stan: |
[hiding behind Kyle] Huh-I don't wanna go back there.
|
| Randy: |
[coming for him] Come on, we're taking you back to the
hospital. [drags him off]
|
| Stan: |
Don't you guys feel like brushing your teeth first?
|
| Randy: |
What?
|
| Stan: |
You know, freshen up your breath.
|
| Kyle: |
Aw, man. [tottering, eyes half shut] I don't feel so
good. |
| Sheila: |
[pleased] Oh good, maybe you finally caught the
chicken-
|
| Kyle: |
Ugh. [falls back, passing out]
|
| Sheila: |
Kyle!!
|
|
[Hell's Pass Hospital. All
four boys are now in recovery]
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Well, I hope you boys learned your lesson. Going out
and playing around with chicken pox almost killed you all!
|
| Kyle: |
We're sorry.
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Well just be thankful we got you here in time. Your
parents are here to see you, I'll send them in.
|
| Kyle: |
This itches! Give me some of that calamine lotion,
Cartman!
|
| Cartman: |
Hell no! You guys get your own!
|
| Sharon: |
[the parents enter] Stanley, how are you feeling today,
son?
|
| Stan: |
Pretty good.
|
| Sharon: |
[cheerfully] The doctor says that maybe you can go home
tomorrow.
|
| Randy: |
Yeah. Isn't that great, Stanley?
|
| Stan: |
Wow, coo-hul!
|
| Sheila: |
And how are you, Kyle?
|
| Gerald: |
Are you doing okay?
|
| Kyle: |
I'm better now. [he and Stan start laughing]
|
| Sharon: |
What's so funny, you two?
|
| Kyle: |
We gave you guys herpes.
|
| Sheila: |
Whatwhatwhaaat?! You did this?!
|
| Stan: |
We got you back for getting us sick. We had a
prostitute use your toothbrushes and stuff.
|
| Randy: |
I can't believe you gave us herpes. You little rascals!
|
| Sharon: |
[to Randy] Well, I guess it serves us right. [to the
boys] Kids, we should have honest about wanting you to get chicken pox.
|
| Sheila: |
It's true. We were wrong for deceiving you about it.
[Liane walks over to Cartman]
|
| Cartman: |
Hey, how come you don't have sores on your lips, Ma?
|
| Liane: |
Ooh, I have them somewhere else, boopiekins.
|
| Cartman: |
Hooray!
|
| Gerald: |
Anduh Stuart, I think I owe you an
apology. I realize that I shouldn't be so cold towards people that are
less fortunate than me.
|
| Stuart: |
Waww hell, I'm sorry, too. [Terrance and Phillip are
on. The anal transplant surgery was a success]
|
| Terrance: |
Oh, Phillip, I'm so glad everything turned out for the
better. [he farts high and laughs]
|
| Cartman: |
Well, I know one thing for sure.
|
| Liane: |
What's that, Eric?
|
| Cartman: |
We're all gonna need a lot more calamine lotion.
|
|
[all the boys start laughing, then the
parents join in. The doctor stands by Kenny and doesn't laugh. Kenny
laughs, but drops dead. The meter flatlines and a long, steady note is
heard. All stop laughing]
|
| Stan: |
Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
|
| Kyle: |
You bastards!
|
|
[Stan laughs, then Kyle, then everyone else, including
Kenny's parents. End of Chicken Pox. I'm A Believer plays] |
