|
[A familiar intro plays, a
playground scene. Bill plays catch with anotheir kid, Jordan and the
black kid are on swings, and Pip is on a hobby elephant. Stan is hiding
behind a tree, using his mitted hand as a gun]
|
| Stan: |
Sgt. Stanley Marsh is trapped behind
enemy lines. His only chance of survival is to sneak past the Bosnian
guard who stands watch. [Cartman, patroling the invisible boundary]
Sgt. Marsh knows it's now or never. He must make a run for it. [waits
for Cartman, with wooden toy rifle, to pass, then rushes past him]
American base is only a few feet away.
|
| Cartman: |
[turns right and notices Stan, then] Master thief,
halt! [they fire away at each other. From behind a nearby bush, Kyle
and Kenny pop up and fire at Cartman] It will take more than your weak
American weapons to destroy me!
|
| Stan: |
Cartman, we shot your Bosnian fat ass!
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah! You're dead!
|
| Cartman: |
I have Class 4 armor on, that, uh, ih-ih-
|
| Stan: |
No, you don't!
|
| Cartman: |
-special armor, that's impenetrable to American
bullets.
|
| Kyle: |
Dude! Every time we play Americans vs. Bosnians, you
cheat!
|
| Stan: |
Yeah, Cartman, you suck! If you want to play Americans
vs. Bosnians any more, you can just play with yourself! [he and Kyle
leave]
|
| Cartman: |
That's fine! I'd like playing with myself! I'll play
with myself all day long! [Kenny laughs and Cartman looks at him] What?
|
|
[Some distance away from
Cartman…]
|
| Kyle: |
Well? Now what are we going to do?
|
| Stan: |
Huh-I donno.
|
| Wendy: |
[arrives with Bebe] Hi, Stan.
|
| Stan: |
Hi, Wendy.
|
| Wendy: |
Kyle, doesn't Bebe look pretty today? [Bebe steps
forward, looking hopeful]
|
| Kyle: |
I donno.
|
| Wendy: |
She does. She looks very pretty.
|
| Kyle: |
Okay.
|
| Wendy: |
Stan, can I talk to you for a second? [takes
his hand and pulls him aside. Bebe and Kyle are left to look at each
other. Bebe smiles at him, and he looks around and put his hands behind
him. She's still smiling. Wendy and Stan end up at a safe distance from
them] Stan, wouldn't it be fun if we fixed Kyle up with Bebe?
|
| Stan: |
…No.
|
| Wendy: |
If Bebe and Kyle were a couple, then
we can invite them over to your clubhouse for dinner and play parlor
games and have meaningful conversations and sip cognac by the
fireplace.
|
| Stan: |
We could?
|
| Wendy: |
Yeah, Stan.
|
| Stan: |
But dude, I don't have a clubhouse.
|
| Wendy: |
You don't?? I thought all guys had clubhouses.
|
| Stan: |
Just how many guys' clubhouses have you been in? |
|
[Back near the tree, Cartman
is sitting on Kenny]
|
| Cartman: |
El Commandant Cartman has ways of making you talk! [a
fart ensues]
|
| Kenny: |
[pulls his arm free] (Heellp!!)
|
| Wendy: |
Stan, you have to build a clubhouse! Then all four of
us can sit in it and play Truth or Dare!
|
| Stan: |
[intrigued] Truth or Dare? Wow. [walks back to Kyle]
Come on, Kyle. We've got work to do.
|
| Kyle: |
We do?
|
| Stan: |
We're gonna build a clubhouse. I have to ask my dad for
help. [walks off, and Kyle follows. Bebe's eyes follow them out, and
Wendy appears]
|
| Bebe: |
[noticing] Did it work?
|
| Wendy: |
I think it did, Bebe. If all goes as planned, Kyle will
be your new boyfriend.
|
| Bebe: |
I hope so Wendy. He's got such a hot ass.
|
|
[The Marsh house. Randy turns
on the TV and ends up on Terrance and Phillip. They are in a church.]
|
| Terrance: |
Hey, Phillip, pull my finger.
|
| Phillip: |
All right, Terrance. [pulls]
|
| Terrance: |
Hurgh. Oh, wait wait wait. Pull harder.
|
| Phillip: |
Well, all right. [pulls harder]
|
| Terrance: |
Hurgh, urgh. [Randy laughs] Damn it! Pull really hard,
Phillip!
|
| Phillip: |
Okay.
|
| Terrance: |
Hurgh-rrh. Waiwait, wait wait. Hrhrhrhrh. Aha! Hr-rhrh.
Oh my! Yeee-aaa! [inhales] Hurh. Uhwaiwait. Ye-aauraah- [a high fart
finally escapes, and the two laugh] Caught you there!
|
| Randy: |
Uh oh! [laughs as Stan and Kyle approach]
|
| Phillip: |
God. Oh, you got me, Terrance!
|
| Terrance: |
Yes, I sure did! [Randy laughs some more]
|
| Kyle: |
Whoa, dude. Your dad is watching Terrnace and Phillip.
|
| Randy: |
No, I was just uh flipping through the channels [starts
flipping]
|
| Stan: |
Hey, Dad, we need to build a clubhouse.
|
| Randy: |
Okay
|
| Stan: |
How do we do it?
|
| Randy: |
Uhyou just get a hammer and some wood. What? Uh some
girls wanna play Truth or Dare or something?
|
| Stan: |
Yeah, dude! How'd you know? [both he and Kyle are
stunned]
|
| Randy: |
How do you think I met your mother?
|
| Sharon: |
[rushing up] Randy, my wedding ring! I lost it down the
garbage disposal!
|
| Randy: |
Oh, brother. [Terrance and Phillip
are heard laughing, and Sharon looks at the TV. Phillip, right leg
high, farts on Terrance, and both continue laughing]
|
| Sharon: |
Stanley, I thought I told you not to watch this
horrible cartoon!
|
| Randy: |
Yeah, Stanley, you should know better.
|
| Stan: |
Dude! [Sharon takes the remote from Randy and presses a
few buttons]
|
| Sharon: |
Here, Stanley, You watch nice cartoons like Fat Abbot.
|
| Stan: |
Tsk-aw!
|
| Sharon: |
Randy, will you please come get my wedding ring out of
the sink!
|
| Randy: |
[resisting] Okay, okay. [follows her to the kitchen]
|
| Fat Abbot: |
Hey hey hey. What's goin' on, Rudy?
|
| Rudy: |
Man, Fat Abbot, you need to lose weight!
|
| Fat Abbot: |
I'll lose weight when I feel like it, bitch! Shut yo
bitchass mouth, ho!
|
| Rudy: |
Bitch, I'll kick yo ass!
|
| Kyle: |
Whoa, dude!
|
| Stan: |
Sweet!
|
| Fat Abbot: |
You think you're slick, you punkass blasphemous
dope-fiend bitch! I had my jimmy whacked seven times last week! I'll
bust a cap in yo nigga ass, shithole!
|
| Kyle: |
Wow, cartoons are getting really dirty!
|
|
[in the kitchen]
|
| Sharon: |
Did you find it?
|
| Randy: |
Give me a second, would you?!
|
| Sharon: |
Don't snap at me!
|
| Randy: |
I didn't snap at you.
|
| Sharon: |
You snapped at me!
|
| Randy: |
Whatever.
|
| Sharon: |
What ever?! In fifteen years you've never said,
"whatever," to me!
|
| Randy: |
Nuh- I don't wanna fight. I'm sorry.
|
| Sharon: |
I'm sorry, too.
|
| Randy: |
Uh I think I found it. [comes up with an alarm clock]
|
| Sharon: |
That's not it, you idiot!
|
| Randy: |
Hey, back off, cunt!
|
| Sharon: |
[gasps] You just said the C-word!
|
| Randy: |
Did I?
|
|
[Stan and Kyle are
outside working on their clubhouse. The steps, supports, and floor are
in place, and they start work on the railing]
|
| Stan: |
This is a sweet spot for a clubhouse.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. Hey Stan, wwhat did your dad mean when he said
we're gonna play Truth or Dare?
|
| Stan: |
Oh uh, just that, mmmaybe when we're finished, Wendy
anduh… Bebe can come over and play.
|
| Kyle: |
Dude, what kind of sick joke is that? Girls suck ass.
|
| Stan: |
Well-uhuh, of course they do, but uh, wouldn't it be
sweet toob, to play Truth or Dare with them?
|
| Kyle: |
What? Why?
|
| Stan: |
Because, dude. Wwe could make them ddo really gross
stuff, like eat bugs. |
| Kyle: |
Hey yeah! That'd be sweet! We could totally ruin their
lives! [Cartman and Kenny stop by]
|
| Cartman: |
What are you guys doing?
|
| Stan: |
We're building a clubhouse
|
| Cartman: |
[laughs heartily] A clubhouse? Heheh, that's the lamest
thing I've ever heard!
|
| Kyle: |
It's not lame, it's sweet! After we build this
clubhouse, we're gonna get girls to play Truth or Dare!
|
| Cartman: |
[thinks it over] Wwwhy??
|
| Kyle: |
Because, dumbass, we can dare them to do gross stuff
and make them cry! What? Were you born yesterday?
|
| Stan: |
Yeah, now beat it you guys. This clubhouse is private!
|
| Cartman: |
That's fine. We'll build our own clubhouse!
|
| Kyle: |
Fine!
|
| Cartman: |
Fine! And then we'll get girls to play Truth or Dare,
too!
|
| Stan: |
Fine!
|
| Cartman: |
Fine!
|
| Kyle: |
Fine!
|
| Kenny: |
(Fine!)
|
| Kyle: |
Fine!
|
| Cartman: |
Fine! That's fine. [turns and walks away]
|
| Stan: |
Fine!
|
| Cartman: |
Fine!
|
|
[The Cartman house.
Cartman and Kenny are looking over the clubhouse kit Cartman has
apparently ordered: the Ewok Village 2000 Deluxe Club House Kit
w/Elevator. It has a two-story design. Cartman is wearing a yellow hard
hat, and Kenny is trying to get a better look at the blueprints]
|
| Cartman: |
No, Kenny, you can't look! I'm the foreman!
|
| Kenny: |
(Well, why the fuck do I have to do everything while
you stand around in the snow lookin-) [he inches the blueprints closer
to himself]
|
| Cartman: |
Because, Kenny, your family's poor! You have to be the
worker!
|
| Kenny: |
[still trying] (Uh-)
|
| Cartman: |
Nno, Kenny.
|
| Liane: |
[stopping by] How's the treehouse coming along, hon?
|
| Cartman: |
Mom, it's not a treehouse, it's a clubhouse!
|
| Liane: |
Sorry, hon.
|
| Cartman: |
Mom? Can we pull up the carpeting in the living room?
|
| Liane: |
Well, I don't know, Eric. If you did that, then the
floors would be bare.
|
| Cartman: |
[sliding into a whine] But Mmmom, the blueprint says we
need carpeting in the clubhouse!
|
| Liane: |
Well, all right.
|
| Cartman: |
Kenny, my mom says you can go get carpeting in the
living room now.
|
| Kenny: |
(You suck ass and you suck dick!) [walks off to get the
carpeting]
|
| Cartman: |
And stop your bitchin!
|
|
[the Marsh house. Stan enters
the kitchen and tries to get at a jar as his mom washes dishes. She's
upset]
|
| Sharon: |
What are you doing sweetheart?!
|
| Stan: |
Getting a cookie. We're building a clubhouse and then
we're-
|
| Sharon: |
You men are all alike! First you get a cookie and then
you criticize the way I dress and then it's the way I cook! I suppose
next you'll be telling me that you need your space and that I'm
sabotaging your creativity. Go ahead, Stanley. Get your God-damned
cookie! [walks off in a huff]
|
| Stan: |
'K.
|
|
[South Park Elementary. Class
is now in session. Mr. Twig is still there]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
And so, children, today we're gonna focus on American
history, right Mr. Twig?
|
| Mr. Twig: |
Uhthat's right, Mr. Garrison. American history is very
important.
|
| Kyle: |
When is Mr. Hat coming back?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
What did you say?!
|
| Kyle: |
When is Mr. HAT coming back?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
I told you to never mention that name in my classroom
again! Mr. Hat is a two-timin' whore! And now we all learn from Mr.
Twig!
|
| Stan: |
But Mr. Twig sucks.
|
| Class: |
Yeah.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
That is enough! Mr. Hat is gone, and he isn't coming
back, and I don't wanna hear it! Anyway, children, lets turn our
history textbooks to page 105, which should be right after page
104… |
| Cartman: |
So, how's your lame-ass clubhouse, Stan?
|
| Stan: |
Better than yours, fat boy.
|
| Cartman: |
We'll see about that. [to Kenny] Don't forget you need
to cut school early and wait for the hot tub, Kenny.
|
| Kenny: |
[gruffly] (Yes, sir!)
|
| Wendy: |
Is the clubhouse ready?
|
| Stan: |
Almost.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Stan? Are you paying attention?
|
| Stan: |
Yes, Mr. Garrison.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Well, then, Stanley. What did I just say?
|
| Stan: |
[the class waits for an answer]
Um. Yyou said that even though- Charo appeared twelve times on the Love
Boat, the episode with Captain and Tenille got- higher ratings.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Well, okay. I suppose you were paying
attention. [turns to write on the blackboard]
Anyway, children, the Love Boat did go on for about eight years. They
tried to bring it back recently, but it didn't work. Probably 'cause
Robert Urich had to weigh… [while he's explaining the
mediocrity of The Love Boat, The Next Wave, the following takes place]
|
| Kyle: |
Good guess, dude!
|
| Stan: |
Phew.
|
| Bebe: |
[writes a note, then hands it to Swanson] Pass this up.
|
| Swanson: |
[handing it to Kevin] Pass this up.
|
| Kevin: |
[handing it to Fosse] Pass this up.
|
| Fosse: |
[handing it to Stan] P-huh pass this h-up. [Stan gets
the note and reads it]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Stanley, are you passing notes to Kyle?!
|
| Stan: |
No, I just-
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Don't lie, Stan. Lying makes you sterile.
|
| Stan: |
I'm not lying. Someone just handed me the-
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Stanley, if you think it's so important to keep
interrupting my class, then why don't you come up to the front and read
your note to Kyle for everyone to hear!
|
| Stan: |
But I didn't write the note!
|
| Cartman: |
Mr. Garrison, Stan's behavior is having an adverse
effect on my education.
|
| Stan: |
Shut up, Cartman!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Stanley Marsh, you come up here right now and read your
note!
|
| Stan: |
Oh, man. [Bebe's worried. Stan goes up to the front and
faces the class, then reads]
Dear Kyle.
You have got such a great ass. I could sleep for days on those perked
cheeks, let me tell you. I'd like to live with you and wear your ass
as a hat for all eternity.
[the class stares in shock, even Bebe] Whoa, dude! |
|
[Counselor Mackey's office.
Stan and Mr. Mackey talk]
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Nowuh, young man, uhschool is a time for learning,
mkay? Not for immature skylarkings.
|
| Stan: |
What's 'skylarkings'?
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
You know, like tomfooleries.
|
| Stan: |
Who? [he understood 'Tom Fooleries']
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
[a knock is heard on his door] Oh, your parents are
here.
|
| Stan: |
Oh, no. [they enter and stand behind him]
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Thank you for coming on such short notice. I was just
disciplining your son for his skylarkings.
|
| Randy: |
Stanley, I-! Skylarkings?
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Yeahmkay?
|
| Randy: |
Stanley, I want you to explain to me why you were
passing notes in school.
|
| Sharon: |
Randy, let me handle this. Now Stanley, I want you to
explain to me why you were passing notes in school.
|
| Stan: |
It wasn't my note, dude. It was some girl's.
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Okay. Stanley, we're all here to get to the root of
your behavior disorder.
|
| Sharon: |
You really should know better, Stanley.
|
| Randy: |
You need to shape up, mister!
|
| Sharon: |
[to Randy] Don't interrupt me! You always interrupt me
when I talk! Can't you see that I-?
|
| Randy: |
[a bit testily] I don't interrupt you.
|
| Sharon: |
There, you did it again! [to Mr. Mackey] He interrupted
me again.
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Okay, uh-. Perhaps you should let your wife finish
talking, Mr. Marsh. Now, Stan, I want to you to be-.
|
| Randy: |
Okay, I'm sorry I interrupt. But she always takes over
any conversation!
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Uh. U-uh, taking over any conversation's bad.
|
| Sharon: |
[to Randy] Like you're one to talk! When's the last
time you really listened to what I had to say?!
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
[slowly] Uuuhh. Mmm mkay.
|
| Randy: |
When was the last time you had anything interesting to
say? It's always gossip and stupid crap!
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Okay uh uh uh-apparently we have a bit of a
communication problem here. Uh, Mr. Marsh, tell me how you're feeling.
|
| Randy: |
Welluh, I feel like everything I do is wrong, it
doesn't matter what I say.
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Mkay. That's valid. Now, uh, Mrs. Marsh-
|
| Stan: |
Excuse me.
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
-how do you feel?
|
| Sharon: |
Like I'm a ghost. Like he sees right through me.
|
| Randy: |
Oh, please!
|
| Stan: |
Hello?
|
| Sharon: |
Oh, please yourself!
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Who tries to control the marriage? And by that I mean,
who's dominating the aspects of the relatioship?
|
| Sharon: |
He is. [Stan gets off the chair]
|
| Randy: |
No, she is. [Stan walks to the door and opens it]
|
| Sharon: |
Oh, I'm sorry! I guess I'm wrong again! [Stan is gone]
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Mmkay.
|
|
[The Cartman house. Foreman
Cartman is back at the blueprint]
|
| Cartman: |
Look at it, Kenny! It is the greatest clubhouse ever
built! |
| Kenny: |
(Uh huh)
|
| Cartman: |
And we built it, with our own hands. Now all we need is
chicks, Kenny.
|
| Kenny: |
(Yeah!)
|
| Cartman: |
All right. You go find chicks, Kenny.
|
| Kenny: |
(Well, why do I have to be the one to go and find
chicks?)
|
| Cartman: |
Because I have to stay here
and work! I still have to shingle the roof, test the foundation, run
all kinds of expenses. I've got way too much to do, and all you have to
do is to go find chicks! Now, stop your bitchin'! [Kenny walks off and
Cartman watches him leave. As soon as he's gone, Cartman throws off his
hat and runs into the house] Mom? Can I watch American Gladiators?
|
|
[The Marsh house. Kyle is on
the clubhouse floor, waiting as Stan climbs up the steps. A tire swing
hangs from the foundation]
|
| Kyle: |
Dude! Where have you been? I've been waiting all
afternoon.
|
| Stan: |
I got in trouble for that note Bebe was trying to pass
to you.
|
| Kyle: |
To me??
|
| Stan: |
I mean, no. Not to you. Forget it. Come on, dude. We
have to finish our clubhouse quick. The girls wanna play Truth or Dare
tomorrow! [they start to hammer a board onto the floor, but]
|
| Kyle: |
We should use nails, dude.
|
| Stan: |
My mom won't let us. [even so, a railing goes up]
|
| Wendy: |
[stopping by] Hi, guys. How's the clubhouse coming?
|
| Stan: |
Pretty good. We're almost done.
|
| Wendy: |
Well, hurry! We wanna play Truth or Dare!
|
| Stan: |
We're going as fast as we can!
|
| Bebe: |
Kyle, could you turn around for a second? [Kyle and
Stan look at each other. Kyle turns around, then looks back with Stan
at the girls] Thank you! [the girls walk away, and the boys resume
hammering]
|
| Stan: |
Come on, dude, we have to hammer faster.
|
| Kyle: |
Hey, Stan. Do you know how to play Truth or Dare?
|
| Stan: |
No.
|
| Kyle: |
Well dude, how the hell are we supposed to play it,
then?
|
| Stan: |
I didn't even think about that.
|
|
[Chef's house. Candles line
his dining room wall, and Stan is at the table with him]
|
| Chef: |
And then, they'll ask, "Truth or Dare?'
|
| Stan: |
And I say, "Dare!"
|
| Chef: |
No no! You say, "Truth."
|
| Stan: |
"Truth?" But that's boring! I want to get "Dare" to
kiss her.
|
| Chef: |
You have to say "Truth" the first few times. Or else,
you seem too eager.
|
| Stan: |
Oooh.
|
| Chef: |
You can't seem too eager. You've got to play it cool,
like you don't even care what happens.
|
| Stan: |
Yeah.
|
| Chef: |
Then, after a few "Truth"s, you finally answer, "Dare."
|
| Stan: |
"Dare!"
|
| Chef: |
But not like that, son. Like this: "Daaare" [in a low,
suggestive voice, sweeps his hand through the air for effect]
|
| Stan: |
Oooh.
|
| Chef: |
And then her little friend will dare you to kiss Wendy.
|
| Stan: |
You really think so?
|
| Chef: |
Of course she will. They're women. They've had this
whole thing planned out months ahead of time.
|
| Stan: |
Wow!
|
|
[The Cartman house. Cartman is
watching TV and munching on Cheesy Poofs]
|
| Fat Abbot: |
Heeyy hey hey. What's goin' down, y'all?
|
| Rudy: |
Man, Fat Abbot. What are you doin' on this side of the
'hood?
|
| Fat Abbot: |
You know somethin', Rudy? You're like school in
summertime.
|
| Rudy: |
School in summertime?
|
| Fat Abbot: |
Yeah, bitch, school in summertime! [grabs Rudy by the
collar and lifts him high] Open yo' fuckin' ears and shit, ho, or I'll
pop your bitch ass.
|
| Donald: |
I'llba poppa yourba bitcha assa tooba, bitcha.
|
| Cartman: |
What the hell is goin' on in this cartoon? [the
doorbell rings, and he gets up to answer] Oh. Hey, Kenny, did you find
any chicks to come to the clubhouse?
|
| Kenny: |
[proudly, thumbs up] (Uh-huh) [two teenage girls appear
behind him]
|
| Blonde: |
Hi. We ran away from home.
|
| Brunette: |
Well like, this kid told us we might be able to crash
at your clubhouse for a couple of days.
|
| Cartman: |
[Amazed at Kenny's effort] Holy crap! [he takes the
three of them to the backyard] Behold! The Ewok Village 2000!
|
| Blonde: |
Oh well, I guess it beats living at home,
|
| Cartman: |
[properly] Can I offer you ladies a cool beverage? Or a
tasty snack? [rubs his stomach]
|
|
[The Marsh house, the phone
rings. Stan answers]
|
| Stan: |
Hello?
|
| Cartman: |
[on a cordless phone] How's the clubhouse coming, Stan?
|
| Stan: |
We're working on it.
|
| Cartman: |
Well, I just thought I'd tell you that me and Kenny
have finished our clubhouse, and we already have chicks over.
|
| Stan: |
No, you don't! [female giggles are heard, and Stan
pulls the receiver from his ear] Dude!
|
| Cartman: |
It's only a matter of time before
we're playin' Truth or Dare with them. Good luck with your piece of
crap clubhouse, stupid asshole.
|
| Stan: |
Aw, that hunk of fat- [Sharon walks in] Mom, will you
please ask Dad to come help me build my clubhouse?
|
| Sharon: |
Stanley, I think you should know that your father has
moved out.
|
| Stan: |
What?! Why?
|
| Sharon: |
Because, we're divorced, Stanley.
|
| Stan: |
Divorced? On no. Does that mean you and Dad don't love
me anymore? This is all my fault, isn't it?
|
| Sharon: |
Yeah, kind of.
|
| Stan: |
…Dude, you're not supposed to say that!
|
| Sharon: |
But I would like you to meet your new stepfather, Roy.
|
| Roy: |
Hello, son.
|
| Stan: |
What?!
|
| Sharon: |
I'll leave you two alone to get acquainted. [moves off]
|
| Roy: |
Hello, Stanley. I know this must be a
very difficult period for you right now, and the adjustment is going to
take some time. But I'd like to be your friend. So when you're ready, I
want you to feel free to come to me with anything you might need,
whether it's advice, or- just someone to play catch with. You can count
on me.
|
| Stan: |
This is happening way too fast.
|
| Roy: |
Oh, Jesus! When are you gonna cut me
some slack, huh?! I have taken you under my wing and done my best, and
all you ever do is whine and moan about it! Now, for the last time, go
cut some firewood! [moves off. Stan can only stare blankly]
|
|
[The Cartman house. The
teenage girls explain themselves]
|
| Blonde: |
So, I'm on my way out the door, and she goes, "Make
sure you're home before midnight!"
|
| Cartman: |
Ahaw, that's weak.
|
| Blonde: |
And I go, "Listen, bitch! I don't need my mother giving
me no curfew!"
|
| Cartman: |
That's killer.
|
| Blonde: |
And she goes, "Yeah, well, if you're not home befoe
midnight, don't bother coming home at all!"
|
| Cartman: |
That's totally weak!
|
| Blonde: |
So I go, "Fine! I won't come home!"
|
| Cartman: |
Sweet.
|
| Blonde: |
And then she goes, "Fine! Don't come home!", getting
all up in my face and crap and acting all tough and crap.
|
| Cartman: |
Killer weak sweet!
|
| Blonde: |
I'm sixteen. I should be able to do what I want when I
want. [Cartman listens intently] I don't need her breathing down my
neck every two seconds telling me what I can and cannot do!
|
| Cartman: |
I had the same thing with my mom the
other day. I'm all like, "Ey! I am not a little kid anymore! Ma, I'm
eight years old! And if I wanna fingerpaint, then I'm gona
fingerpaint!" [the girls just look at him]
|
|
[the Marsh house. Stan and
Kyle have built the clubhouse and are putting the finishing touches on
it]
|
| Stan: |
Okay. We're done.
|
| Kyle: |
[testing the railing] Dude, I don't think this is very
sturdy. [a piece of it comes off in his hand and falls to the ground,
where it breaks up]
|
| Stan: |
It doesn't matter, dude. It only has to last long
enough to play Truth or Dare. I'm gonna go get the girls. [climbs down]
|
| Kyle: |
Okay.
|
| Stan: |
[hums as he goes away, but he is stopped by a pair of
legs. He looks up] G'oh?
|
| Sharon: |
Stanley, it's time to go!
|
| Stan: |
Go where?
|
| Sharon: |
Your bastard father has visitation rights, and this is
his time with you.
|
| Stan: |
But no! I have to get the girls to come-
|
| Sharon: |
Come on, Stanley! [takes him away by the hand]
|
| Stan: |
Weak! [a car is heard pulling up. It's Randy in a red
sports car] Dad?
|
| Randy: |
Hey, Stanley, uuh, hop in. [Stan gets in, and they peel
off]
Listen, Stanley, I I know all this change must be tough on you, but you
know, your- your mother and I thought it'd be best for all of us if
we'd split up.
|
| Stan: |
But I don't understand why we have to-
|
| Randy: |
[stopping next to a pink Jeep] Well, hello, ladies.
|
| Passenger: |
[a blonde] Hi, handsome. We're gonna be at Larry's Bar
tonight.
|
| Randy: |
[suavely] I'm already there. [the passenger winks at
him and the ladies peel off. Randy turns to Stan]
What were we talking about? Oh yeah. See, your mother and I still care
about you and your sister. But we just don't like being around each
other any more.
|
| Stan: |
Well, I don't like being around my sister anymore; does
that mean I can leave her, too?
|
| Randy: |
Well, no, because you're a family! You just can't leave
family; you have to stick with family, no matter what.
|
| Stan: |
But you and Mom are family; how come you can just split
up? [Randy is stumped on that one] You know what I
think? I think that when you and Mom got married, you became family.
And now that you are, you shouldn't be able to leave her anymore than I
can leave my sister.
|
| Randy: |
Hoho, Stan, you're so young. You just don't get it.
[arrives at the house] Well, anyway, have a nice day.
|
| Stan: |
What? That's it?
|
| Randy: |
Yeah. But I loved our time together. I hate to see it
end. Go on, get out. [Stan gets out] You know that nothing is more
important to me than you, right, Stan?
|
| Stan: |
I gguess, but- [Randy drives off, and Stan watches]
|
|
[Stan's clubhouse. He and Kyle
are inside looking out the window]
|
| Stan: |
Okay, dude, the girls are gonna be here to play Truth
or Dare any minute.
|
| Kyle: |
Stan, if I didn't know you better, I would almost think
you're doing this because you wanna play with girls.
|
| Stan: |
No way, dude! Don't be silly.
|
| Bebe: |
[off screen] Come on, Wendy.
|
| Stan: |
We have to say "Truth" a couple of times before we say
"Dare," right?
|
| Kyle: |
Right. Why?
|
| Stan: |
Because if we don't, we'll seem too eager.
|
| Kyle: |
Too eager to what?
|
| Stan: |
To say "Dare," dumbass! Jeez.
|
| Wendy: |
[entering the clubhouse] Hi, guys. [the boys are
startled, but turn around]
|
| Stan: |
Oh, hi Wendy. What's up?
|
| Bebe: |
Don't you guys still wanna play "Truth or Dare"?
|
| Stan: |
Yeah! I mean, sure, whatever.
|
| Bebe: |
Then come on! [all sit]
|
| Stan: |
[softly, to Kyle] Remember, "Truth" the first couple of
times.
|
| Kyle: |
Okay.
|
| Bebe: |
Who wants to go first?
|
| Wendy: |
I will. Kyle?
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah?
|
| Wendy: |
Truth, or Dare?
|
| Kyle: |
Umm. Dare?
|
| Stan: |
[looks at him angrily, then punches him on the arm]
Dude!
|
| Kyle: |
What?
|
| Wendy: |
[whispers] How about we give him Bebe?
|
| Bebe: |
[whispers] Okay.
|
| Wendy: |
[whispers] Okay.
|
| Bebe: |
[whispers] Okay.
|
| Wendy: |
Kiss Bebe on the lips!
|
| Kyle: |
What?!! Sick, dude, I'm not kissing a girl!
|
| Wendy: |
What's the matter, Kyle?
|
| Kyle: |
It's just wrong, that's all.
|
| Stan: |
Don't be a chicken, dude. Just close your eyes.
|
| Kyle: |
What the hell have you gotten me into?!
|
| Stan: |
Dude, Cartman is in his clubhouse playing Truth or Dare
with girls right now. You really want him to beat us?
|
| Kyle: |
[thinks a moment and looks at Bebe] Hoh boy. [puckers
up. Bebe comes and gives him a peck on the lips] Sick! [gets up and
rushes to the entrance] Aaaaah! Fucking sickening! [shimmies on down]
|
| Bebe: |
[staring after him] Wow, look at that ass! Shake it,
baby!
|
| Wendy: |
Your turn, Bebe.
|
| Bebe: |
[back in position] Okay, Stan. Truth or Dare? [Stan
takes a moment to look at Wendy, then at her lips] Stan, Truth or Dare?
|
| Stan: |
[dreamily] Dare.
|
| Roy: |
[popping in] Son, could you please help me with the
firewood?
|
| Stan: |
…Dude, we cut firewood all day yesterday! We
have enough to last twelve years!
|
| Roy: |
When will you let me in?! Let me love you?! Now, get
your ass out here and help me!
|
| Wendy: |
Bye, Stan. Hopefully we can play Truth or Dare
tomorrow.
|
| Stan: |
Crap!
|
|
[Cartman's clubhouse.
Meaningful discussions are taking place]
|
| Blonde: |
I think you should be able to move out legally when
you're fourteen.
|
| Brunette: |
[pulls out a cigarette] Our moms won't even let us
smoke.
|
| Blonde: |
Yeah, it's my body. My mom always gives me shit for
smoking, but it's my body. I should be able to do whatever I want with
it.
|
| Cartman: |
Totally. Uuuuuh my mom gives me shit sometimes, and I
tell her to shut her hole before I kick her in the nuts!
|
| Liane: |
[calling up to him. Eric freezes] Eric, snookums! it's
time for Mommy to tuck you into your snuggleboat for night-night! [he's
alarmed now] Eric? Are you out there in your clubhouse?
|
| Cartman: |
[voice shaking] Coming, Mom. [to the girls] Okay, we
have to play Truth or Dare, quick!
|
| Guy in Leather Jacket: |
Hey, girls.
|
| Guy with Long Hair: |
What's up.
|
| Blonde: |
Oh hey, Scott.
|
| Cartman: |
Who the hell are you?!
|
| Brunette: |
Uhwe invited some people over. Hope you don't mind.
|
| Cartman: |
How many people?
|
|
[The bus stop, next day. Kyle
is alone, and Bebe walks up]
|
| Bebe: |
Kyle, can I talk to you?
|
| Kyle: |
Okay.
|
| Bebe: |
Kyle, this is very difficult for me. I think we need
time apart.
|
| Kyle: |
Huh?
|
| Bebe: |
I'm just feeling really trapped. I can't go on with
this codependency.
|
| Kyle: |
Okay, that's fine.
|
| Bebe: |
[covers Kyle's mouth with her mitt] No, no. Don't
speak. Just try and understand. It has to be this way.
|
| Kyle: |
[muffled] But I don't care.
|
| Bebe: |
Please. Just remember the good times we have. I'll
never forget you. Never. [walks over to her new love interest] Okay,
Clyde, we can go now.
|
| Clyde: |
Bitchin'. [walks off after her]
|
|
[The Marsh house. Roy is
looking at a home decorating show. Stan comes in]
|
| Host: |
These are café curtains that require no
sewing, and I know you all love that! [a smattering of applause. Not
many audience members]
|
| Stan: |
Do you mind if I watch cartoons? I've had a rough day.
|
| Roy: |
Nnuuhunuuhh.
|
| Stan: |
What?
|
| Roy: |
Chores. Do chores.
|
| Stan: |
My dad lets me watch cartoons.
|
| Roy: |
Well I'm not your dad. Okay? I'm NOT your dad! You jyou
can't just go around playing games with my emotions. [starts weeping
and walks away as Sharon approaches]
|
| Sharon: |
[arms akimbo] Stanley, what did you do to Roy?!
|
| Stan: |
Roy's a dick! He ruined my chances with Wendy in the
clubhouse!
|
| Sharon: |
[sighs] Stanley, you know you're the most imprtant
thing to me, right?
|
| Stan: |
If that's true, then get back together with Dad for me!
|
| Sharon: |
Now Stanley, you have to understand
how divorce works. When I say, "you're the most imprtant thign to me,"
what I mean is, you're the most important thing after me and my
happiness and my new romances.
|
| Stan: |
Oh.
|
| Sharon: |
Bye now. Roy! [goes after him]
|
| Stan: |
Divorce is stupid! [clicks on the TV, and the new Fat
Abbot show comes on]
|
| Fat Abbot: |
Heeyy heeyy heeyy! Hey Yolanda. Why is your eye all
black and blue and shit? |
| Yolanda: |
Maaan, Fat Abbot. My stepdad popped me in my eye.
|
| Fat Abbot: |
Stepdad? You gotta off his ass! |
| Yolanda: |
Really?
|
| Fat Abbot: |
Yeah, bitch! Snatch his ass in a
bear trap! Leave that motherfucker swingin' from a tree so high nobody
finds him for days! Glock-glock, you know what I'm sayin'? Dumbassed
motherfucker pullin' shit! Damn!
|
| Yolanda: |
You're right, Fat Abbot. Thanks!
|
| Fat Abbot: |
No problem, ho. Maybe later you can suck my dick,
bitch-ho! Shit!
|
| Bill: |
Well, Fat Abbot and the gang sure done
learned somethin' today. If you have a stepdad ridin' your ass, just
snatch his ass in a bear trap. Grine! No more stepdad. See ya next time
eatin' the pudding.
|
| Stan: |
Yeah. Yeah, I think I'll write a little note for Roy!
[grabs paper and pencil and starts writing]
|
|
[Cartman's clubhouse,
that night. The place is jumping. Music is blaring and a small crowd
mills around the clubhouse. The long-haired teenager, standing next to
the radio, passes out. Cartman brings a tray holding a box and bowl of
Cheesy Poofs]
|
| Older kid: |
Hey, kid! Give me some of those! [holding a beer
bottle, he grabs some Cheesy Poofs and swallows them]
|
| Cartman: |
[making his way to the teenage girls] Hey! When are we
gonna play Truth or Dare?
|
| Blonde: |
What? That game's for kids. |
| Cartman: |
This is bullcrap! [throws up the tray and lets it fly]
|
| Randy: |
[a girl in overalls dances his way] Oh boy, it's
getting late. I'm gonna have to leave this party.
|
| Cartman: |
This sucks, Kenny! I wish we'd never built a clubhouse!
[the music builds up]
|
| Punk: |
MOSH PIT!
|
| Kenny: |
[alone in a clearing] (Huh?) [the
crowd rushes to fill it in and stomps all over him, then parts to
reveal rats feasting on him. The music says, "Why don't you just pull a
piece of me? Why catch some piece of me? Why does everybody want a
piece of me?"] |
| Cartman: |
Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
|
| Kyle: |
[outside, passing by] You bastard!
|
|
[The Marsh house]
|
| Sharon: |
Stanley?! Your father is coming over for visitation!
Stan? [sees the note and reads] Meet me in the clubhouse. [tosses the
note onto the sofa and walks out] |
| Roy: |
[coming in] Sharon? Sharon, have you seen my copy of
Harper's? [sees the note and reads] Meet me at the clubhouse.
|
|
[In the clubhouse. Randy is
alone there]
|
| Sharon: |
[opens the curtain and sees him] Oh, Randy. What are you
doing here? [gets in and sits apart from him]
|
| Randy: |
Iii-uuh got a note from Stanley to come out to the-uh
clubhouse.
|
| Sharon: |
Oh I thought that note was for me.
|
| Randy: |
Oh, maybe it was.
|
| Sharon: |
[looks around the room] Well, it looks like our little
Stanley has built himself quite a clubhouse here.
|
| Randy: |
I remember not too long ago we were just kids playing
kissing games in my clubhouse.
|
| Sharon: |
[an awkward moment, then gets up and goes for the
curtain] Goodnight.
|
| Randy: |
Sharon?
|
| Sharon: |
Yes? [turns to face him]
|
| Randy: |
Truth or Dare?
|
| Sharon: |
It's too late for games. [goes back and sits down]
|
| Randy: |
No, I'm serious, please. Truth or Dare?
|
| Sharon: |
Truth.
|
| Randy: |
Do you still love me?
|
| Sharon: |
Oh, Randy, I do love you, but- now I'm so confused-uh.
I'm living with Roy and-, I don't know how to break it off with him.
|
| Roy: |
[exits the house looking for] Sharon- [the trap is
sprung] Guh-ow! Uh. Ey! Uh.
|
| Randy: |
Well, you never know. Maybe-
|
| Roy: |
He-
|
| Randy: |
-thing will work out.
|
| Roy: |
Hello?
|
| Sharon: |
Maybe. I guess it's my turn. Truth or Dare?
|
| Roy: |
Sharon?
|
| Randy: |
[sensually] Dare.
|
| Sharon: |
Do me. Right here in the clubhouse! [he pounces on her
and they go at it]
|
| Roy: |
Hello? Hel-lo? Could- could somebody get me d-? Hello?
|
| Stan: |
[holding the rope to the trap] Wow. Clubhouses are
magical.
|
|
[Next day, back at the
clubhouse. Stan, Wendy, and Bebe are there. So is Clyde]
|
| Bebe: |
Okay. It's my turn. Stan? Truth or Dare?
|
| Stan: |
[sweating, but willing. He looks at Wendy, then at her
lips, then] Dare. [the girls whisper]
|
| Bebe: |
Take this stick and jam it up your peehole.
|
| Stan: |
…What?!
|
| Wendy: |
Wow, that sucks!
|
| Bebe: |
Do you think it'll hurt?
|
|
[End of Clubhouses. Roy is
still dangling from the tree outside]
|
| Roy: |
Hello? I sure am hungry. Anybody? It certainly does
suck right here. Hello? Shuh- Sharon? Sharon, hello? |
