|
[A game show. The audience is applauding
a couple onstage. The host and lady assitant stand near them] |
| Host: |
Well, Tom and Mary, you've made it to the final round. Are you ready
to play for the grand prize? |
| Tom and Mary: |
We're ready, Bob! |
| Bob: |
Any particular prize you're hoping for? |
| Mary: |
Well, Hawaii's nice, but Tahiti would be fun, too! |
| Tom: |
Oh, anywhere would be great! |
| Bob: |
Polynesian diggities. I wish you luck. Here we go. What is the thin
flap of skin that runs from the base of the penis to the scrotum? [the
couple has 9 seconds to answer] |
| Tom: |
Oh. Oh wait wait, I know this. [grips his head with both hands as time
runs out] |
| Mary: |
The upper vascular hood. |
| Bob: |
I'm sorry, but YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. [Tom and Mary exult] Heheh,
tell them what they've won. |
| Announcer: |
Tom and Mary, put on your cowboy hats, because you're going to beautiful
South Park, Colorado! [a cowgirl shows off the picture of the town. The
audience oohs and aahs] |
| Mary: |
Where? |
| Announcer: |
That's right, just in time for Cows Days, the world's 45th biggest
rodeo and carnival. [A poster of Cow Days appears, then rotates to one
of South Park. Scenes of the announcer's descriptions show up] Every
fall, South Park celebrates Cow Days, and you're gonna be a part of it.
You'll stay at the spectacular Super 7 hotel on Bernhardt Road [it says "motel," though],
and enjoy festivities, including prizes, rides, and of course, the world-famous
Running of the Cows! [the audience is awed as a group of cows is shown]
Congratulations, Tom and Mary. |
| Bob: |
Well, Tom, Mary, you must be very excited. |
| Tom: |
What was second prize again? |
| Bob: |
That's all for now. See you tomorrow on [the audience joins him here] "Ooo,
What The Hell Is That!" [the theme music plays them to commercial] |
| Mary: |
Shit! |
|
[South Park, the rodeo ring. A rider falls
from his horse as it jumps some barrels.] |
|
[14th Annual Cowdays. The carnival stage,
on which the Mayor and her aides now stand] |
| The Mayor: |
Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to kick off the 14th Annual South
Park Cow Days! [cheers go up. The Mayor and her aides wear Cow Days buttons.
Others wear Cow Days shirts and wave little flags with cow designs on
them] As most of you know, Cow Days is when we all get together to celebrate
and thank the noble, gentle cows. [the crowd cheers wildly] And now,
the chairman of Cow Days, Jimbo Kern! |
| Jimbo: |
[approaches the mike] This year is a very special Cow Days because
we are revealing our all-new Cow Memorial! [a curtain covers it still]
Which will live forever in South Park from this day forth. Release the
curtain! [the curtain comes down and a large statue of a cow is revealed,
with a large clock attacked to its belly. It is now 1 p.m. The statue
moos and the crowd cheers. Ned is up front, and Tom and Mary are next
to him] |
| Mary: |
This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen! |
| Tom: |
Now, Mary, this is our only vacation for years. We have to make the
best of it |
| Mary: |
Oh you're right. I'm sorry, honey. We just need to stay positive. |
| The Mayor: |
Now get out to the carnival and enjoy the amazing rides and the wonderful
games! |
|
[the carnival gets underway. People mill
around] |
| Toss-a-Ball Operator: |
["3 for $5"] Hey, come on over here, kids. Win fabulous prizes. [Kyle,
Stan, Cartman, and Kenny approach] |
| Kyle: |
Wow, dude, check it out! We can win Terrance and Phillip dolls. [fanfare
and close-up of the dolls] |
| Stan: |
Are those REAL Terrance and Phillip dolls? They look all crappy. |
| Kyle: |
Yeah, they look like cheap rip-offs. |
| Operator: |
Sure they're real. They're even made in Canada. |
| Stan: |
Really? |
| Operator: |
Yeah, look. They're even signed by Terrance and Phillip themselves.
[shows them the tag: "TERENSE AND PHILLUP" with the R backwards] |
| Cartman: |
Wwow! |
| Kyle: |
Dude, that kicks ass! |
| Cartman: |
[breathlessly] Oh, dude, I gotta win those. How much to play? |
| Operator: |
Five dollars for three balls. |
| Cartman: |
Five dollars?! Jesus Christ! |
| Operator: |
Don't worry, kid, it's easy. You just gotta put one ball through Jennifer
Love Hewitt's mouth. [duly shown] |
| Cartman: |
That's easy! |
| Operator: |
Okay, we've got a player! |
| Cartman: |
Ay! Check it out! [tossed the ball and misses, just to the right of
the mouth] Damn it! |
| Operator: |
Okay, son, you've still got two balls to try and get through her yapper. |
| Cartman: |
Take this, Jennifer Love Hewitt! [fires away again, and misses] |
| Kyle: |
You suck, Cartman! |
| Cartman: |
I'd like to see you do better! |
| Kyle: |
Give me that! [takes the ball and throws it. It goes into the mouth,
but falls out and away] Hey! It hit her right in the mouth! |
| Operator: |
It's gotta go through her mouth |
| Kyle: |
But ih- |
| Operator: |
Sorry, kid, try again. Just five more dollars. |
| Kyle: |
Here, give me some money, Cartman! [Cartman looks at him and starts
laughing] Lend me money, fat boy! |
| Cartman: |
I only have three dollars left, asshole! |
| Kyle: |
Damn it! Come on! I'll try to get more money from my mom. [the boys
walk off] |
| Jimbo: |
[onstage] Okay, everybody! It's time for the Running of the Cows! [the
crowd cheers] |
| Kyle: |
[finds his parents] Mom, give me some money! |
| Sheila: |
Kyle, what are you doing here?! This is very dangerous! |
| Kyle: |
I need $17 so we can win Terrance and Phlllip dolls. |
| Sheila: |
Kyle, get back into the carnival this instant! You can't be out in
the street! |
| Kyle: |
I will if you give me money! |
| Sheila: |
Okay, here! [hands him some bills. Kyle moves away] |
| Cartman: |
Sweet. |
|
[Back on stage, Jimbo has some more things
to tell the guests] |
| Jimbo: |
[amid cheers] Okay, everybody, okay. Settle down. Now I know you're
all anxious to get to the Running of the Cows, BUT, let me remind you:
those brave souls who have decided to run against the cows through town
do so at their own risk. I don't think I have to remind you that three
people died in last year's Running of the Cows. [the crowd pays no heed
and keeps cheering] With that said, let's rock and roll! [the crowd strains
at the starting line. Halfy is there, too] Everybody ready to run? [yes]
Release the cows! [the corral doors open, but not a cow moves. The crowd
rushes forth] They're loose! [leaves the stage] |
| Cows: |
[bewildered at the townsfolk] Mooooo?! |
|
[The townfolk scream wildly while the cows remain in the corral and
moo some more.] |
| Ned: |
[runs into a phone pole and falls] Ow. |
|
[One cow timidly leaves the corral. A townsman looks back as he runs,
and finds himself impaled on the lower half of a shattered phone pole] |
| Jimbo: |
[runs by] Yeehaw! |
|
[A red heifer chews on some grass just outside the corral. A man comes
and tries to provoke a grazing cow, but the cow ignores him. The man
shakes his ass at the cow, then runs away screaming] |
|
[the carnival. A Chamber of Farts stands
near a Ferris wheel. Its entrance consists of a huge lavender ass with
doors through which the cars enter] |
| Kyle: |
Okay. We've got $15 between us. That means we get nine balls to throw. |
| Cartman: |
I only need one, dude. I only need one. |
| Operator: |
Come one, come all. Get in line now, for the Chamber of Farts. |
| Stan: |
What's that? |
| Operator: |
Dare you enter the Chamber of Farts? |
| Cartman: |
How much is it? |
| Operator: |
Just three tickets, boys. [into the mike] Dare you enter the Chamber
of Farts? |
| Kyle: |
Is it like a- haunted house or something? |
| Operator: |
Sure. It's veery scary. |
| Cartman: |
Let's see: each ticket is a dollar, so three tickets is like two twnety-five. |
| Kyle: |
No. We can't, dude. We have to win the Terrance and Phillip dolls. |
| Cartman: |
Oh come on, you guys. We still have plenty of money left over. |
| Kyle: |
You'd better be right, dude. |
| Cartman: |
I'm right! |
| Operator: |
[the boys step up to the ride and car 15 comes to them. They get in]
Keep your hands in at all times. |
| Kyle: |
Okay. |
|
[they go in. They pass through a cemetery with asses everywhere. A
man has his pants down just enough for his ass to poke through, a dog
next to him has its tail up, there are flying asses about, and some volcanos
poke through the ground. All are farting. The car stops] |
| Operator: |
So, the Chamber of Farts has another victim, eh? Don't be afraid. There
aren't any ghouls here, only FARTS! [the car starts up again, and Catman
gets a dose of farts from an ass jet] |
| Cartman: |
Eh! God-damnit! [as they enter the Hall of Farts, a wailing fart is
heard from two figures hanging from spider webs] |
| Stan: |
What the hell was that? |
| Operator: |
Perhaps you need some MORE FARTS! [the car heads for a woman stretched
out in torture. A weak fart escapes from her. The car leaves the Gas
Caverns] All right, boys. Ride's over. |
| Kyle: |
That was the dumbest ride I've ever seen! |
| Stan: |
Yeah. What the hell kind of carnival company are you?! |
| Cartman: |
[as they step down] I don't know what you guys are talking about! That
scared the crap out of me! |
| Kyle: |
That was a waste of money, Cartman! |
| Operator: |
Hey, if you guys want a great ride, get in this line. It's only seven
tickets. |
| Kyle: |
We can't. We're saving our money for the balls in Jennifer Love Hewitt's
mouth game. |
| Cartman: |
Kyle, will you relax, you pink eye? We have plenty of money. [$12.
Cartman gets into line, then goes back for the others] Come on, you guys!
It'll be sweet! |
|
[The Cow Memorial, 12:59 p.m. A cow comes
to look at the statue, and the clock strikes 1 p.m. The statue moos.
The cow looks around, then moos. Two more cows arrive. Back in the line,
the boys near the front of it] |
| Kyle: |
This ride better be good! |
| Stan: |
Yeah, this line is way too long! |
| Cartman: |
I think we're almost to the end. |
| Kyle: |
We'd better be. We've been in line for almost an hour! |
| Stan: |
Here we go. [passes under a LINE RIDE banner] |
| Kyle: |
Finally! |
| Line Ride Operator: |
Did ya enjoy the ride? |
| Stan: |
What ride? |
| Kyle: |
Yeah. |
| Line Ride Operator: |
This was the Line Ride, a real live simulator of a long line. |
| Kyle: |
Ugh. You've gotta be kidding me! |
| Line Ride Operator: |
That's five tickets, thank you very much. [a two-ticket discount! The
boys pay up and leave with $7] Come see us again soon. |
| Stan: |
My ass we will! |
| Kyle: |
Well, Cartman, this is just my opinion, but I think the Line Ride sucked
donkey balls! |
| Stan: |
Yeah, let's not ride that ride again. |
| Photo Seller: |
Would you like to buy a photo of you boys enjoying the Line Ride? [shows
them the picture] |
| Cartman: |
How much? |
| Photo Seller: |
Just three dollars. |
| Cartman: |
Hunh that's, that's pretty sweet. [buys the picture, now has $4] |
| Kyle: |
You dumbass, Cartman! |
| Cartman: |
What? This is cool. |
| Kyle: |
No, it's not cool! |
| Cartman: |
It is, too! [they head back to Toss-A-Ball] |
| Operator: |
Can I help you boys. |
| Stan: |
We're gonna try to win those Terrance and Phillip dolls again. |
| Operator: |
O-kay, five dollars for three balls. |
| Kyle: |
How much do we have left, Cartman? [Cartman leafs through the bills,
but doesn't answer] How much do we have left, Cartman?! |
| Cartman: |
Aah, three dollars. |
| Kyle: |
What?! You said we had plenty of money, Cartman! |
| Cartman: |
Yeah, but I didn't take into account the fact that I suck at math. |
| Kyle: |
You son of a bitch! Aaargh! [lunges at Cartman, and they fall to the
ground, wrestling. |
| Cartman: |
Ey! Seriously! |
|
[A view of the carnival. After a while
the boys calm down and stand up again] |
| Kyle: |
Well, Cartman, thanks to you we don't have any money left to win the
Terrance and Phillip dolls! |
| Cartman: |
Well, I'm sorry! |
| Kyle: |
Well, sorry's not good enough! What are you gonna do about it? |
| Cartman: |
[thinks a moment] Hey! I bet Kenny has some food stamps on him! |
| Kenny: |
[pulls some out] (What? These?) |
| Stan: |
Sir? Will you take food stamps for three balls? |
| Operator: |
Sure, as long as they're good. |
| Kyle: |
Give him your food stamps, Kenny! |
| Kenny: |
(Nuh uh) |
| Kyle: |
Come on, dude! I can do it! I'm sure! |
| Kenny: |
(Dude, these are my fucking food stamps! How am I going to eat without
all these food stamps?) |
| Cartman: |
Damnn it, Kenny, don't be such a food-stamp hog! Share with the rest
of your friends! [Kenny hands them to the operator, and Kyle receives
the balls] |
| Kyle: |
Okay. Here we go. [throws the first ball into Jennifer's mouth, but
it bounces away] Hey! That was right on target. |
| Operator: |
Sorry, kid. Try again. |
| Kyle: |
[throws the next ball in, but it bounces away] That does it! Shenanigans!
[points an accusing finger at the operator, then turns around] SHENANIGANS! |
| Operator: |
Uhwhat are you doing? |
| Kyle: |
I'm declaring Shenanigans on you! This game is rigged! |
| Operator: |
Shenanigans? |
| Officer Barbrady: |
[arriving] What's all the hoo-ha? |
| Kyle: |
Officer Barbrady, I wanna declare Shenanigans on this carnival operator. |
| Officer Barbrady: |
Why? |
| Kyle: |
This game is fixed! The balls are bigger than Jennifer Love Hewitt's
mouth! |
| Officer Barbrady: |
If that is true, then your declaration of Shenanigans is just. [raises
his baton and points it at the operator] What do you have to say, carnival
operator? |
| Operator: |
Look, the kid was really close. He still has another ball left. Leh
let's try again, son. [reaches behind the counter and switches balls.
Kyle gets a smaller one] Here you go. [Kyle tosses it, and it goes clear
through the mouth] There, you see? We have a winner! |
| Kyle: |
It worked! |
| Officer Barbrady: |
Young man, you can't just go declaring Shenanigans on innocent people!
That's how wars get started! |
| Stan: |
Sorry, Officer Buttbaby. |
| Officer Barbrady: |
Barbrady! |
| Stan: |
Oh, I'm sorry. What did I say? |
| Officer Barbrady: |
You said Buttbaby. [the boys start laughing after a few seconds] |
| Cartman: |
Sweet. |
| Operator: |
Okay, kid, you won. You get to pick between the Barbie Pocket Mirror
and the Bon Jovi Toothpick. |
| Kyle: |
No! Dude! I want the Terrance and Phillip dolls up there. |
| Operator: |
Oh, nonono, you gotta win seven times to earn those. |
| Kyle: |
What?! |
| Operator: |
You win seven Bon Jovi toothpicks, then you can trade them in for the
Terrance and Phillip dolls. |
| Kyle: |
You dirty son of a bitch, you never told us that we had to win- |
| Operator: |
Step on up, just five dollars to play! |
| Kyle: |
Damnit, I have to have those dolls! [walks off pissed. The others follow] |
| Stan: |
This is hopeless. We're never gonna have enough money to win. |
| Kyle: |
[something stops him] Wait a minute! I've got it! The bullriding contest.
Cartman could ride a bull, and try to win $5000. [the other boys look
at him] Think about it, dude: $5000. That's 1000 set of balls. That's
3000 balls! We'd have to win enough to get the dolls! |
| Cartman: |
What the hell makes you think Cartman rides a bull? |
| Kyle: |
[grabbing Cartman by the collar] Because you spent all of our money
on those stupid rides, fatass! Now, either you're getting on a bull or
I'm gonna break your fuckin' head open! |
| Cartman: |
O-kay, I'll- get on the bull. |
| Kyle: |
All right! Now, come on! We have to practice! [walks away. The others
watch him] |
| Stan: |
[to Cartman] He really wants those dolls. |
| Cartman: |
I guess, damn! |
|
[Tom and Mary have just exited the Chamber
of Farts on car 11] |
| Mary: |
That ride wasn't very good. |
| Tom: |
Now, Mary, you promised me we'd try to have a good time. |
| Mary: |
You're right. I'm sorry, honey, I'll try and have a good time. |
|
[the Cow Memorial. The clock now reads
1:59 p.m., and seven cows stand before the memorial. Two o'clock strikes,
and the statue moos twice. The cows answer with two moos of their own.
More cows arrive] |
|
[the town bar] |
| Stan: |
Hey, uh this mechanical bull's gonna help you practice for the real
thing, Cartman. |
| Cartman: |
Hey, this is sweet. |
| Kyle: |
You've gotta try and stay on for ten seconds. Okay, Cartman? |
| Cartman: |
I'll try. Ten seconds is a long time. |
| Stan: |
We'll start on the slowest setting and work our way up. Ready? Go.
[Kenny presses the switch. The mechanical bull starts to move] |
| Cartman: |
Yikes! [the bull throws him off, and he lands in a Zoomin' Pinball
machine, face up] Ow! [glass scatters all around] Son of a bitch! |
| Stan: |
How long was that? |
| Kyle: |
That wasn't quite ten seconds. |
| Stan: |
Damn it! [all go to Cartman] That wasn't ten seconds, Cartman. You
have to do better than that. |
| Cartman: |
[whispering] You guys, eh seriously, my back! |
| Kyle: |
Get back on, fatass! You have to practice! |
| Cartman: |
[whispering] Seriously. Help. [none of the other boys moves] Screw
you guys. Hate you guys. |
| Kyle: |
What'd you say, Cartman?? |
| Cartman: |
[whispering] I hate you guys! |
| Kyle: |
I think he said he wants to practice on a real bull. |
| Cartman: |
[whispering] Hate you guys. |
|
[The cows are now pushing the memorial
across open fields. It now reads 3 p.m.] |
|
[the boys stand next to a rancher who
has offered his bull for Cartman to practice on] |
| Rancher: |
Be careful with old Bob here. He ain't much for a-ridin' anymore, but
he's all I got. |
| Kyle: |
Well uh, he'll have to do. Cartman has to get some practice with a
real bull. |
| Rancher: |
Well, have fun, boys. [leaves] |
| Kyle: |
Okay, Cartman. You ready? |
| Cartman: |
[hesitantly] Nnoo. |
| Kyle: |
Open the gate! [Kenny opens it. The bull stands there, then walks out
slowly and turns left] |
| Cartman: |
All right, get down. This is my kind of bullride. |
| Kyle: |
[whispers to Stan] That bull sucks! He's not even bucking or anything! |
| Cartman: |
Yeah, this is sweet! |
| Stan: |
What are you going to do? |
| Kyle: |
Get the bull in the balls with a smowball. |
| Stan: |
Hoh, yeah. That's a good idea. [the snowball leaves Kyle's hand and
hits its target. The bull starts bucking in pain] |
| Cartman: |
Eeyy! |
| Kyle: |
That's better. |
| Stan: |
Hold on, Cartman! |
| Cartman: |
Ey! Seriously, dude! Do something! Dude, stop this crazy thing! [the
bull throws him off] Mother f- [lands in the snow in front of them] |
| Kyle: |
Get up, Cartman! You're still not staying on long enough! [no response] |
| Stan: |
Come on, Cartman. [no response] |
| Kenny: |
(Oh my God, they've killed Cartman!) |
| Kyle: |
No he didn't kill him, he's still breathing! [kicks Cartman] Get up!
[waits, then kicks him again] Get UP! [Cartman stirs, then stands up.
He's pale] |
| Stan: |
You okay, dude? [nothing. Cartman sees everything undulate and hears
Stan's voice echo] Cartman, hello? Hel-lo? |
| Kyle: |
Dude, I think we broke him. |
|
[Hell's Pass Hospital, waiting area] |
| Dr. Doctor: |
Boys, I'm afraid your fat little friend has suffered head trauma. |
| Stan: |
What's the matter with him. |
| Dr. Doctor: |
Well, apparently, he thinks he's a Vietnamese prostitute named Ming
Li. |
| Kyle: |
…Oh. |
| Stan: |
But can he still ride a bull? |
| Dr. Doctor: |
What? |
| Kyle: |
We need him to win a bullriding contest so we can get Terrance and
Phillip dolls. Can he still do it? |
| Dr. Doctor: |
No, boys! You need to take him home and let him get plenty of sleep.
[turns and walks away] |
| Kyle: |
[waits until the doctor is gone] Damn it! |
| Stan: |
[now with Kyle and Kenny in his recovery room] Cartman. Cartman, can
you hear me? |
| Cartman: |
Boinsure li bonsure. |
| Stan: |
What?! |
| Cartman: |
Boyongture taur lur mahrter. |
| Stan: |
Oh, he's fine, dude. |
| Kyle: |
You think? |
| Cartman: |
Shunkarah puntaur lah-turi. |
| Stan: |
Oh, yeah, dude. Let's get his ass to the rodeo. |
|
[The Running of the Cows is ended and
Jimbo is onstage.] |
| Jimbo: |
All right, damn it! We're not going to stand for this! Now, whoever
stole our golden cow memorial, we're gonna find you and kill you! [the
crowd stands silent] Aall right, uhow about this? Whoever took the sacred
cow, just please return 'im, and there'll be no quesitons asked. [nothing.
Jimbo now looks around] Wait a minute. You folks from out of town. You're
the only ones with a reason to take our beloved cow memorial! [people
start buzzing] |
| Mary: |
[Officer Barbrady comes up behind the couple] Where are we going to
put a 60-foot tall statue of a cow? |
| Officer Barbrady: |
Oh, I think maybe you'll answer that downtown, tourists. [cuffs them
both and takes them away] |
| Mary: |
Oh my God! |
|
[At the carnival, the boys have returned
with Cartman.] |
| Stan: |
How's he doing? |
| Kyle: |
He still thinks he's a Vietnamese prostitute. |
| Cartman: |
Pooinshower. Madalen shine debaur. Huelar she mashartah me shur har. |
| Stan: |
Do you think he can ride the bull? |
| Kyle: |
Yeah, I think so. |
| Stan: |
Cool. [they cross paths with an officer and his wife] |
| Cartman: |
Hello. Hello, polie. Hello, polie hurrah you soldier boy. Hey, soldier
boy! |
| Soldier: |
Huh? |
| Cartman: |
Hello? Soldier boy. Me so horny. Me love you long time. |
| Soldier: |
Go away, kid. You're grossing me out. |
| Cartman: |
Hello, puhree! Puhree hello! Hello, sucky-sucky! Hello, puhree! |
| Soldier: |
Beat it, kid! Come on, honey. [they walk away] |
|
[the Chamber of Farts again.] |
| Chamber of Farts Operator: |
Come one, come all! The Chamber of Farts has been fixed and is reopen!
[a crowd rushes to it, and Cartman is gone] |
| Stan: |
Jesus, dude! |
| Kyle: |
Hey, where's Cartman? |
| Stan: |
[looks at the others present] Oh, hell! |
| Kenny: |
(I don't know where he went!) |
| Stan: |
Kenny, you go find Cartman. We have to go sign him up for the bull
ride. |
| Kenny: |
(Okay.) |
|
[South Park Police Dept. Tom and Mary
are still in jail, shivering and apparently forgotten] |
| Tom: |
Huh, it's so cold here. |
| Mary: |
Where is that sheriff?! We need water! |
| Tom: |
Oh well, let's try to make the best of it, Mary. |
| Mary: |
You're right. We're not being positive. At least we get some time alone. |
| Tom: |
Yeah, and at least we've got our health. [a rat runs by] |
|
[ranch lands. Two ranchers get out of a truck and
walk into a field] |
| Grey Hat: |
I tell you, Mitchell, I ain't never seen nothin' like it. |
| Mitchell: |
Where are they again? |
| Grey Hat: |
Just right up over this ridge. [they reach the top of the ridge and
look out over a large field full of cows gathered around the Cow Memorial,
mooing. It is almost 9 a.m.] That's what they've been doin' all morning:
sittn' there and mooin'. And more cows come all the time. |
| Mitchell: |
Well, I ain't never seen this before, neither. But I know one thing:
when cows start gettin' together, it can't be good. They might start
formin' a cult! |
| Grey Hat: |
[ponders] Hm. Cow cult. |
|
[back at the carnival, rodeo riders try
out their luck. One of them loses his luck when his horse throws him
off] |
| Announcer: |
The grand-daddy of them all, the South Park Cow Days Rodeo! Let's begin
the bullriding event. Grand prize: $5000! |
| Stan: |
Kenny, where the hell is Cartman?! |
| Kenny: |
(I don't know. I can't find him.) |
| Kyle: |
He's up in, like, twenty minutes! |
| Kenny: |
(All right! I know!) |
| Cartman: |
[off-camera] Hello, fren! Hello! |
| Stan: |
[points to him] There he is! |
| Cartman: |
[emerges from the crowd in hot-pink two-piece outfit, orange purse,
blush, and Oriental wig] Sucky-sucky, five dollar. |
|
[back at the police station jail, Tom
and Mary just sit and wait…] |
|
[Jimbo and Ned join the two ranchers on
the ridge] |
| Grey Hat: |
There they are, just like we told you. |
| Jimbo: |
[now standing before the cows] Okay, that's enough o' that! You cows
need to dis-perse! [it is now 3 p.m.] All right, bad cows! Do you hear
me? Bad cows! [the cows stand still] All right, Ned. You're gonna have
to bust out the whip! |
| Ned: |
[reaches for his whip and cracks it] Mmmm-gahyah! Git along, little
doggies! [cracks the whip again, and strikes a cow. The cows lurch forward]
Bad cows stay! Stay! [these cows are pissed. They rush in and pound him
into the ground] AAAAAH! |
| Jimbo: |
[hollering] Holy smokes! Play dead, Ned! |
| Grey Hat: |
[still on the ridge, casually] I reckon we should get some help. |
| Mitchell: |
I reckon. |
|
[the boys now have Cartman on the bull,
ready to ride] |
| Kyle: |
Don't be nervous, Cartman. This is gonna be cake. |
| Stan: |
Yeah, and then those Terrance and Phillip dolls will be ours! |
| Cartman: |
Hucky-sucky five dollar. |
| Announcer: |
Up first, No. 24, Jack McMack! [the crowd cheers, and he removes his
hat in appreciation] Three, two, one. [the gate opens and Jack goes forth] |
| Jack: |
Yeehaw! Yeeha! Yeehaw! [the bull finally throws him off. The crowd
is silent and watches him sail through the air] Aaaaaaaa! [lands on the
horns of another bull and dies] |
| Announcer: |
Oooh, that's gonna cost him a point deduction. [a shot of the boys,
then of Cartman] Up next, no. 14, Ming Li! |
| Cartman: |
Ten dollar? Eight dollar? You give me eight dollar, soldier boy! |
| Announcer: |
Here we go! |
| Stan: |
Dude, I'm having second thoughts about this. |
| Kyle: |
What do you mean? |
| Stan: |
I'm startin' to think that maybe it's wrong to put someone who thinks
they're a Vietnamese protstitute on a bull. |
| Announcer: |
Let her go! [the gate opens and Cartman goes forth] |
| Cartman: |
Eey! Freline furton! Sucky-sucky! |
| Kyle: |
Hang on, Cartman! [Cartman is still on the bull] |
| Announcer: |
Wow, and this Vietnamese prostitute can really ride a bull! [Frnak
Hammond! His partner looks bored] I guess she's had a lot of practice,
if you know what I mean. [the partner simply blinks] |
| Cartman: |
Aaah! Ten dollar! [still on. The crowd cheers] Ten dollar, soldier
boy! |
| Announcer: |
She's setting a new world record! |
| Crowd: |
[jumping up and down] Ming Li! Ming Li! Ming Li! |
| Cartman: |
[the bull finally bucks him off] Gaaah! [he ends up in the snow. The
bull comes and kicks him like a football] Heeee! |
| Stan: |
[up on the fence with Kyle and Kenny] Dude, that bull's gonna kill
him. |
| Kyle: |
Go help him, Kenny! |
| Kenny: |
[climbs down and is about to enter, but] (Huh-uh, I ain't gonna get
inside that ring! Aaah!) [the bull runs through the fence and away, taking
Kenny with him. Stan and Kyle watch Kenny disappear] |
| Stan: |
Oh my God, they killed Kenny! |
| Kyle: |
You bastard! [a clown picks Cartman up and carries him off] |
| Announcer: |
And this brave little whore from the East has really put on a show
for us today! [his partmer, rather disguated at the announcer, taps his
mike until it falls] The winner of the bullriding contest: Ming Li! |
| Cartman: |
[the clown places him in a barrel] Hey, sucky-sucky? Only ten dollar. |
| Stan: |
We did it, dude, we did it! [Kyle smiles] |
|
[the cows are gathered again before the
Memorial, about 3 p.m. Behind some large rocks, FBI agents pop up and
take aim at the cows] |
| Agent: |
Freeze, cows! [the cows look up, startled] The game is over! You will
now return to your respective towns! [Jimbo stands next to the agent.
The cows ignore them] |
| Jimbo: |
You hear that, cows? You're surrounded! There's no way out! |
| Agent: |
You will now all march in an orderly fashion into this trailer! [Ned
opens the back door. There's just no way…] Move! [The cows just
look at them, then one of them walks forward and turns left. She walks
away] |
| Jimbo: |
Hey. Where's she going? That's the wrong way, you stupid cow! [she
walks to the edge of a cliff and looks back at them] |
| Agent: |
[sensing what'll happen] Oh, dear Jesus, no! |
| Cow: |
[walks off and falls] Mooooo! |
| Jinbo: |
[in horror] Nnoo! [the other cows reach the cliff and walk off, one
by one] They're killing themselves! Stop! Please! [the suicides continue]
Can't we do anything?! Oh, God, the humanity, Ned! The humanity! [weeps
into his hands] |
| Agent: |
This is the first mass cow suicide I've seen in- at least eight months. |
|
[Tom and Mary still wait in jail] |
|
[The carnival. The boys walk back to Toss-A-Ball] |
| Toss-A-Ball Operator: |
Oh, you boys are back again, huh? |
| Stan: |
Yeah. And we have $5000 this time. |
| Kyle: |
How many ball does that get us? |
| Cartman: |
[still Ming Li] Odline daur shunba shunba? |
| Toss-A-Ball Operator: |
Aw I ah- I tell you what, boys. Uh, I'm gonna be really nice and just-
trade you the 5000 for the Terrance and Phillip dolls. |
| Kyle: |
You will? |
| Stan: |
Wow, why'd you get so cool all of a sudden? [the operator starts tossing
down the dolls] |
| Kyle: |
We did it! You see, Cartman? You won us the Terrance and Phillip dolls! |
| Cartman: |
Ten dollar? Sucky-sucky? |
| Kyle: |
What are we gonna do with them? |
| Stan: |
[a Terrance head falls off as he turns] We should- [looks down with
Kyle at the head, horrified] |
| Kyle: |
…What the-? |
| Stan: |
Dude, these dolls are cheap rip-offs! [A Phillip leg falls off] |
| Kyle: |
After all that?! Shenanigans! Shenanigans! SHENANIGANS! [Barbrady,
Garrison, and others show up] |
| Officer Barbrady: |
What's all this? |
| Kyle: |
Officer Barbrady, I would like to reinstate my previous Shenanigans!
This whole carnival is a rip-off! |
| Mr. Garrison: |
You know, uh, excuse me, but I agree. These rides are really stupid!
Chamber of Farts isn't scary at all! |
| Priest: |
Yeah, and the food is terrible! |
| Chamber of Farts Operator: |
Hey, it's just a stupid rodeo. What do you expect? |
| Officer Barbrady: |
Ho-kay okay, let's calm down. People of South Park, do you declare
Shenanigans on the carnival people? |
| Townspeople: |
Yeah! |
| Officer Barbrady: |
Okay, carnival people, do you accept this decree of Shenanigans? |
| Woman: |
…What the hell are you talking about?! This whole town is screwy! |
| Officer Barbrady: |
Well, that settles it! Everybody grab a broom, it's Shenanigans! [the
town cheers, and some of the folks have brooms already. They gang up
on the carnival people and beat them all for a long time. Stan and Kyle
just watch] |
|
[One in the afternoon. Jimbo, Ned, and
some townsfolk are pushing the Cow Memorial back into the carnival area] |
| The Mayor: |
You found it! You found the memorial! |
| Jimbo: |
Yeap. |
| The Mayor: |
And the cows? Are they all back, too? |
| Jimbo: |
They're dead, mayor. They're all dead. [sobs] |
| The Mayor: |
What?! |
| Jimbo: |
Oho, it was awful! [weeps] Cow after cow taking its own life, and we
could do nothing to stop them! Oh, God! |
| The Mayor: |
Well, perhaps, one day, cows will learn that cults are never a good
thing. |
| Jimbo: |
[still sad] I hope so, Mayor. I hope so. Uhud I need a cold beer and
a burger. [hears the crowd and perks up] What's all the ruckus over there?
[sees the townsfolk beat on the carnival people] |
| The Mayor: |
Sounds like somebody declared Shenanigans! |
| Jimbo: |
Oh, hell, I have to run home and get my broom! |
|
[The police station] |
| Officer Barbrady: |
All right, you dammned carnival people. Into jail with- [voice wavering]
Oooooh? [Tom and Mary are no more. They've died of starvation and the
rats are eating parts of them away.] |
| Jimbo: |
Hey, aren't those the people we at first thought took the wooden cow? |
| Officer Barbrady: |
[nervously] Yeah. |
| The Mayor: |
Didn't we ever release them? |
| Jimbo: |
Aw, I forgot all about them. |
| Officer Barbrady: |
Uh me, too. |
| The Mayor: |
Oh my God! Officer Barbrady, ugh, you never had Tom and Mary in this
cell. |
| Officer Barbrady: |
I didn't? |
| The Mayor: |
No, no. In fact, they never came to South Park. We've never heard of
them. |
| Officer Barbrady: |
Ooh, phew, I feel a lot better, then, although I could've swore that
I had heard of them and they starved to death in my prison. |
|
[The bus stop. Stan and Kyle are swimming
in Terrance and Phillip dolls] |
| Stan: |
[with Terrance doll] Say, Terrance, let's look for treasuh. |
| Kyle: |
[with Phillip doll] Oh. Good idea, Phillip. Let's look for treasuh. |
| Cartman: |
[arrives, back to normal] What are you guys doing? |
| Stan: |
Oh, hey, Cartman. How are you feeling? |
| Cartman: |
Oh, pretty good, except I had the weirdest dream last night. |
| Kyle: |
Really? What about? |
| Cartman: |
Well, I dreamt that I was a poor Vietnamese girl, and then you guys
made me ride a big, scary bull, and then Leonardo Di Caprio gave me a
spankin' for several hours. [notices the dolls] Eeyy, where did you guys
win all those Terrance and Phillip dolls? |
| Stan: |
Oh-h. Nowhere. [he and Kyle start giggling] |
| Cartman: |
Wait a minute! You guys did make me ride that bull! |
| Kyle: |
No! Cartman, that was just a dream! |
| Leonardo Di Caprio: |
[his limousine pulls up] Bye, Ming Li. Thanks again. [pulls away, and
Stan and Kyle laugh even harder] |
| Cartman: |
Oh! Son of a bitch! |
|
[End of Cow Days] |
