|
[South Park Elementary
cafeteria, lunchtime. Some of the kids have their lunches. In line are
Jordan, Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, the black kid, …]
|
| Cartman: |
Stinky britches, you've got stinky britches
Stinky stinky britches, you've got stinky-
|
| Kyle: |
What the hell are you singin', Cartman?
|
| Cartman: |
This new song by Alanis Morissette. I can't get it out
of my head. Stinky britches, you've got stinky britches!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[passing by] Hello children. Ready for lunch?
|
| Cartman: |
Stinky britches, you've got stinky stinky-!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Eric, is there a problem?
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah, I can't get this stupid song out of my head!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
"Stinky Britches," by Alanis Morissette?
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah. You stinky stinky britches!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Children, did you say 'hi' to Mr. Twig?
|
| Mr. Twig: |
Hi, boys. How are you?
|
| Kyle: |
When is Mr. Hat coming back?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[pause] I told you never to say his name in my
presence!
|
| Stan: |
But we hate Mr. Twig. Mr. Twig sucks.
|
| Student: |
Yeah.
|
| Cartman: |
[almost whisperin] Stinky britches, you've got stinky
br-
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
It just so happens that Mr. Twig is far more stable
than Mr. Hat could ever be! So he's the better puppet!
|
| Kyle: |
He'd be better used as a coat rack. [other kids laugh.
Garrison is dismayed]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[livid] How DARE you?! Come on, Mr. Twig! [walks off]
|
|
[The kids enter the kitchen.
Jordan left the line, leaving Stan behind Kevin.]
|
| Chef: |
Hello there, children.
|
| All four: |
Hey, Chef.
|
| Cartman: |
You've got stinky britches. Stinky sti-
|
| Chef: |
What did you say??
|
| Kyle: |
He's singin' some new hit song. |
| Chef: |
Eric? Wwhere did you hear that song?
|
| Cartman: |
It's all over the place: on the radio, MTV, everywhere.
|
| Chef: |
Well, I'll be sodomized on Christmas.
|
| Kyle: |
What, dude??
|
| Chef: |
Children, I wrote that song twenty years ago!
|
| Cartman: |
You wrote it?
|
| Chef: |
Yeah! Back when I used to be in the rock business. And
now it looks like some big record company has published one of my
songs.
|
| Kyle: |
Wow, then you should get money for it!
|
| Chef: |
Aw, I don't want any money. I'd just like to see my
name on the credits, that's all.
|
| Kyle: |
Then we should go to the record company. My dad's a
lawyer, dude; he tells me about this stuff all the time.
|
| Chef: |
…Well aalll right. Maybe I will go. I'll
play them my version of the song.
|
|
[California. Chef's song is heard]
|
| Recording: |
Stinky britches, you've got those stinky britches
Stinky britches, you've got- [click]
|
| Chef: |
Well, you see, Mr. Big Record Producer, "Stinky
Britches" was something I wrote several years ago.
|
| Mr. Big Record Producer: |
[has a long lock of hair going from right to left on
his balding head] Hmmm. I really see no resemblance between that song
and "Stinky Britches" by our artist, Alanis Morissette.
|
| Chef: |
Huh??
|
| Kyle: |
It's the same goddamned song!
|
| Chef: |
Now, look. I'm tryin' to be cool about this! But you
just can't rip people's music off! It's against the law!
|
| Mr. Big Record Producer: |
I am above the law!! [the lock falls forward, and he
dabs some SPOOGE gel to put it back in place] Mr. Chef, I'm afraid you
leave me no alternative. We're going to sue you.
|
| Chef: |
Sue me?! You stole one of my songs, and you are going
to sue me?!
|
| Mr. Big Record Producer: |
Yes. I suggest you get a real good lawyer. We'll have
the best in the business.
|
| Kyle: |
We'll get my dad to be Chef's lawyer!
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah, and he's Jewish!
|
|
[Mr. Garrison's house.
Some music is heard. Mr. Garrison is watching MTV, apparently, and he
still has a picture of Mr. Hat on his bookshelf]
|
| Alanis: |
Stinky stinky britches, stinky britches
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[hears a door close] Mr. Twig, is that you? [turns off
the TV and goes to the kitchen] Mi, Mr. Twig? [sees a pot of boiling
water and approaches it, then lifts the lid. Mr. Twig is floating
around, charred] AAAAA! Mr. Twig! No! [throws the pot to the floor,
spilling everything] Who did this to you, Mr. Twig?! Who?!
|
|
[a courthouse. All parties are
present, including a black lawyer for Mr. Big Record Producer]
|
| Gerald: |
[amid murmurs] Now, just let me do all the talking,
Chef. We're going to bring these batards down!
|
| Chef: |
Right. [a gavel is heard]
|
| Judge Moses: |
This court is now in session. Who is representing the
defense?
|
| Gerald: |
I am, your honor. Gerald Broflovski.
|
| Judge Moses: |
And representing the prosecution?
|
| Prosecutor: |
I am, your honor. Johnny Cochran.
|
| Some observers: |
Ooo.
|
| Gerald: |
Uh oh.
|
| Chef: |
Why 'Oh oh'?
|
| Gerald: |
Chef, that's Johnny Cochran. Huh, he's the one that got
O.J. off. [gavel sounds]
|
| Chef: |
Oh oh.
|
|
[Hell's Pass Hospital]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[bursting through operating room doors with Mr. Twig in
a blanket] I need some help over here! Please help! I think he's got
third-degree burns! [Dr. Doctor and his team turn to him, then rush
over. The patient sits up and looks]
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Give the child to me. [takes the bundle and unfurls the
blnaket. The doctors draw close to look at Mr. Twig]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[panicked] Is he goin' to be all right, doctor?!
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Uuh.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Is he goin' to live?!
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
…[slowly] It's a stick.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Damn it! Don't give me that medical …jargon,
just tell me straight! Is he goin' to be okay?!
|
|
[A TV shows a reporter
in front of the courthouse. The boys are at Cartman's house, watching
the report. Cartman is eating Cheesy Poofs, as usual]
|
| Reporter: |
And so, on this fifteenth day of
what is considered to be the most important trial of the
…day, Johnny
Cochran has appeared to defend Capitalist Records. The question now is,
will Cochran use his famous "Chewbacca" defense?
|
| Cartman: |
What's a Chewbacca defense?
|
| Kyle: |
I don't know.
|
| Stan: |
That's what Cochran used in the O.J. Simpson trial.
|
| Cartman: |
[tosses away the empty Cheesy Poofs box]
God-damned, I hate that Cochran guy. If he was here in front of me, I'd
be like, "Ay! You stupid son of a bitch, you d-. I b-. I'ma I'm gonna
kick you in the nuts!"
|
| Kyle: |
I'm sure that would scare the hell out of him, Cartman.
|
| Gerald: |
[the trial is being aired live] And so, in summation,
ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you've heard the version of my
client's song recorded over twenty years ago. You've heard the EXACT
SAME song produced by these cheats in the past month [shot of producer
and Cochran]. I'd say it's pretty much an open-and-shut case. Make the
right decision. Thank you. [one person claps. Gerald goes back to his
table and tells Chef] I've got 'em. [Chef grins and gives his thumbs-up
approval] |
| Judge Moses: |
[gavels] Mr. Johnny Cochran, your closing arguments.
|
| Cochran: |
[rises and approaches the jury] Ladies and gentlemen of
this supposed
jury, Chef's attorney would certainly want you to believe that his
client wrote "Stinky Britches" ten years ago. And they make a good
case. Hell, I almost felt pity myself. But ladies and gentlemen of this
supposed jury, I have one, final, thing I want you to consider. [walks
to a display stand and pulls down a screen] Ladies and gentleman, this
is Chew-bacca. [true]
Chewbacca is a Wookie from the planet Kashyyyk, but
Chewbacca… LIVES
…on the planet Endor. Now think about that. That does NOT
MAKE SENSE.
|
| Gerald: |
[softly, pounds on the table] Damn it!
|
| Chef: |
[softly] What?
|
| Gerald: |
[softly] He's using the Chewbacca defense!
|
| Cochran: |
Why would a Wookie, an eight-foot
tall Wookie, want to live on Endor, with a bunch of two-foot tall
Ewoks? That does NOT MAKE SENSE! [the jury listens] But more important,
you have to ask yourself: What does this have to do with this case?
Nothing. [Gerald buries his head in his hand, shaking his haed at the
disaster his case is being turned into]
Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does NOT
MAKE SENSE! Look at me. I'm a lawyer defending a major record company,
and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca! Does that make sense? Ladies and
gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so
you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberatin' and
conjugatin' the Emancipation Proclamation, [apporaches and softens]
does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it
does NOT MAKE SENSE! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The
defense rests. [walks back to his table]
|
| Judge Moses: |
Oh-kay then.
|
| Cartman: |
[working on a second box of Cheesy Poofs] Wow, he's
good.
|
| Reporter: |
In a teary-eyed courtroom, Johnny
Cochran has just finished his closing arguments, and, as was
anticipated, he did use the Chewbacca defense [drawings of the trial
are shown] Whether or not it worked, is up to the jury to decide.
|
| Judge Moses: |
How find you, the jury?
|
| Jury Foreman: |
We find the defendant, Jerome "Chef" McElroy, guilty as
charged.
|
| Some observers: |
Ooo.
|
| Gerald: |
Woops.
|
| Chef: |
Woops?!
|
| Judge Moses: |
Mr. Chef, you've been found
guilty of harassing a major record label. The full fee of $2 million
will be handed over within twenty-four hours. |
| Chef: |
Do I look like I have $2 million?
|
| Judge Moses: |
Well, you have twenty-four hours to find it, or else
you'll have to go to jail. For eight million years! [Chef is agape]
|
| Bailiff: |
[whispering into Judge Moses' ear] Uh, sir, it's for
four years. [leaves]
|
| Judge Moses: |
Oh. Sorry. You'll go to jail for four years.
|
| Chef: |
This can't be happening!
|
| Stan: |
[all are shocked at the decision] Oh no, dude. Chef's
gonna go to jail.
|
|
[Chef's house.
Everything is being repossessed. He has more than one sofa. He's
leafing through a "Memories" photo album. Mr. Big Record Producer
enters]
|
| Mr. Big Record Producer: |
And that chair, too. I want that chair.
|
| Chef: |
Ey, that's my favorite chair! [a mover walks away with
a Brother Isaac poster]
|
| Mr. Big Record Producer: |
You heard the judge: since you lost the case, I can
seize whatever I want to pay my legal fees. [to a mover] Yeah, take
that water cooler, too.
|
| Stan: |
[off camera] Hello there, Chef. [Stan and friends
enter, with Kyle holding a boom box]
|
| Chef: |
[depressed] Hey, children.
|
| Kyle: |
What's goin' on?
|
| Chef: |
Children, that record company guy is takin' all my
belongings. And if I don't come up with $2 million, I'm goin' to jail.
|
| Stan: |
Well, don't worry. We came over to cheer you up.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. Ready, Cartman?
|
| Cartman: |
Ready! [removes his jacket and steps forward, in
lederhosen. Oompa music play]
I will do the German daunce for you.
It's fun and gay and tra-la-la
I hope you will enjoy my daunce
Feedly-I feedly-I ay.
"Would you like some sauerkraut
German boy, German boy?"
"Yes I'd like some sauerkraut.
|
| Chef: |
Okay okay, childrem, thank you very much. I feel much
better.
|
| stan: |
You do?
|
| Chef: |
Sure, sure. Just please, stop.
|
| Cartman: |
[donning his jacket] See? I told you guys it would
work.
|
| Kyle: |
What's that, dude?
|
| Chef: |
[holds up the album] This? This is my photo album of
all my times in the rock business.
|
| Kyle: |
Did you ever know any famous people? [the boys hop on
the sofa for a better look]
|
| Chef: |
Did I? [photos of the music stars are shown as he
mentions them.] Janis Joplin, the Beatles, Elton John. I got to travel
all around the world, hangin' out with bands, goin' to lavish parties
[Studio 54], lovin' many, many women [Chef and two women on the Great
Wall of China].
|
| Cartman: |
What's that? [Chef and a goat in Germany]
|
| Chef: |
Nothin' [next, the Sex Pistols]. Anyway-
|
| Mr. Big Record Producer: |
Take that, too.
|
| Chef: |
Heeyy! That has no monetary value! What the hell are
you takin' that for?
|
| Mr. Big Record Producer: |
I can take whatever I want.
|
| Chef: |
Well, I have twenty-four hours to come up with your
money! That's the law!
|
| Mr. Big Record Producer: |
I AM ABOVE THE LAW! [the lock falls forward, and he
places it back with more SPOOGE. Then he points at Chef] I told you not
to mess with me!
|
| Chef: |
That does it! You know what I'm gonna
do? I'm gonna raise that $2 million, but I'm NOT gonna use it to pay
you back! I'm goin' to use it to hire Johnny Cochran myself, and sue
you!
|
| Mr. Big Record Producer: |
[gasps and backs down] You wouldn't.
|
| Chef: |
Watch me! Now, GET THE FUDGE OUT OF MY HOUSE! [Chef
advances menacingly and the producer leaves]
|
|
[Mr. Garrison's house. Mr.
Twig lies in bed]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Hoh, I brought you some more
juice, Mr. Twig. Are you feeling any better? Huh-I don't know who would
want to hurt you like this, but I promise nobody will ever hurt you
again, ever. [senses something wrong] Mr.- Mr. Twig? Are you okay? Mr.-
Mr. Twig? [pulls the covers back, and] AAAAA! MR. TWIG IS BROKEN IN
HALF!! [goes to his bedroom window] WHO DID THIS?! YOU WON'T GET AWAY
WITH THIS, YOU BASTARDS!!
|
|
[Chef's house. The boys are
still visiting. Chef is on the phone]
|
| Chef: |
Okay. Thank you, Mr. Cochran. [hangs up and turns to
the boys] Well, Johnny Cochran will take my case if I can pay his legal
fee: $2 million.
|
| Stan: |
Hey, why don't you ask all those famous people you used
to know for money? They're rich.
|
| Chef: |
Oh, they wouldn't remember me. All I did was cook for
them.
|
| Kyle: |
You can raise $2 million, dude. We'll help you.
|
| Chef: |
[looks through his closet for a jacket] Uh I appreciate
that, children, but raisin' $2 million is not an easy thng to do.
[finds a coat] My only hope is to whore myself to every woman in town.
[The boys watch him go to the front door] Wish me luck, children.
[leaves, closing the door]
|
| Stan: |
Agh. We've gotta help him, dude.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah but, but how?
|
| Stan: |
Come on. Maybe those rock stars will remember Chef.
Let's go pay them a visit!
|
|
[The boys take an AA plane to
England, where they look for Elton John] |
| Kyle: |
Whoa, dude, this house is huge!
|
| Stan: |
Yeah, it's bigger than Cartman's ass!
|
| Cartman: |
[wearing a candy tray] No it isn't, you guys. [Kenny
rings the doorbell] |
| Butler: |
Can I help you?
|
| Cartman: |
We've come to raise money for our friend, Chef.
[searches the tray] Would you like a Nilla Crunchy, or a Snacky Cake?
|
| Kyle: |
Are you Elton John?
|
| Butler: |
No, I'm one of his butlers. |
| Kyle: |
Ogh. Then what the hell are we talking to you for?!
Come on, guys. [they go inside and find him in his closet, dressed in a
1970's concert outfit, with star glasses] Hi. Are you Elton John?
|
| Elton: |
Sir Elton John. I was knighted, you know.
|
| Kyle: |
We're trying to raise money for our school chef.
|
| Cartman: |
[searching] We have Chocolate Noogies, and Nilla
Crunchies-
|
| Elton: |
I'm sorry. Bu' I'm not a big candy bar fan.
|
| Cartman: |
What?!
|
| Stan: |
Could you buy a couple anyway? Our friend, Chef is
really-
|
| Elton: |
Chef! You mean, 'Chef' Chef?
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah, dude.
|
| Stan: |
Wow, do you remember him?
|
| Elton: |
Of course! I haven't seen him in so
long. I remember when I first met him. It was about 25 years ago. I was
just a struggling musician [flashback to The Small Bar], and couldn't
get a break.
|
| Elton: |
[at the piano]
Oh oh, you're my cheddar cheese girl
You're soft but firm, and you go well with wine
Oh oh, cheddar cheese girl
Cheddar, cheddar cheese girl
[people boo and start throwing food at him. He goes
backstage]
|
| Chef: |
[sees him] Hey, Elton. Don't feel so down, baby. Have
some of my Scottish haggis. It'll cheer you up.
|
| Elton: |
Thanks, Chef. I just don't understand what my music is
missing.
|
| Chef: |
Look, Elton. You are a great singer, but a retarded
monkey could write better lyrics.
|
| Elton: |
I really thought I had it this time with "Cheddar
Cheese Girl."
|
| Chef: |
What you need is a guy
to write realy good lyrics for you. I know a guy named Bernie Taupin
who's workin' at Moth Burger right now. I'll give him a call.
|
| Elton: |
That's a great idea!
|
| Chef: |
And Elton. Why don't you get yourself some new threads?
You know. Some slick trousers and shit.
|
| Elton: |
And so I got Bernie to write my lyrics. And if it
wasn't for Chef, I would never've had a career in music.
|
| Stan: |
So will you buy some of our candy bars to help him out?
|
| Elton: |
Yes, of course. I'll buy three Crispy Yum-Yums.
|
| Cartman: |
[searches] Three Crispy Yum-Yums.
|
| Stan: |
Hey, Elton, if I give you these lyrics, will you write
a song for my girlfriend, Wendy?
|
| Elton: |
Sure, kid. But I would retain exclusive worldwide
rights, [rushing]
including but not limited to Asian territories, with a 20% commission
from all domestic sales, and sole ownership of any and all publishing.
|
| Stan: |
[unsure] 'Kay.
|
| Elton: |
[pays Cartman for the candy] Tell Chef I said 'hi.'
|
| Stan: |
Thanks, dude.
|
| Kyle: |
Dude, we'll have Chef's $2 million in no time!
|
|
[The Broflovski house. Chef is
in bed with Sheila as she smokes. Kyle's picture is on one nightstand]
|
| Sheila: |
Oh, thank you, Chef.
|
| Chef: |
No problem, Mrs. Broflovski. Uuh, now, about that
hundred bucks?
|
| Sheila: |
Eh, of course! [reaches into a drawer] Here you go.
[gives it to him, then, still interested] Leaving so soon?
|
| Chef: |
I've got a loohohohohohohohohong way to go to raise the
kind of money I need. [Chef leaves]
|
| Sheila: |
Well, best of luck to you then.
|
| Gerald: |
[opens the bedroom door] How was it, honey?
|
| Sheila: |
Pretty much what I expected.
|
|
[The boys stand before another
house, and Kyle knocks. The boys now pull a money meter around on a red
cart. The door opens]
|
| Stan: |
Hello? Are you Meatloaf?
|
| Meatloaf: |
Yeah. What the hell do you want?
|
| Cartman: |
Mr. Loaf, we are selling candy bars for our dying
friend.
|
| Kyle: |
He's not dying, Cartman!
|
| Cartman: |
[whispers to Kyle] Shut your goddamned mouth! [to
Meatloaf] We have Nilla Crunchies, Berry Bars.
|
| Meatloaf: |
What's this for?
|
| Stan: |
Our friend, Chef.
|
| Meatloaf: |
Chef's in trouble?
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. Do you know him?
|
| Meatloaf: |
Do I? |
| Cous-Cous: |
Nobody came again.
|
| Chef: |
There, there, Cous-Cous. It'll be all right. Maybe you
just need to change your image. [carries a meatloaf platter]
|
| Cous-Cous: |
What do you mean?
|
| Chef: |
Nobody wants to see a guy called Cous-Cous. You need a
big, strong, beefy name.
|
| Cous-Cous: |
Beefy, like uuuuh… Tri-tip!
|
| Chef: |
Aw, that's not bad. Here, have some meatloaf.
|
| Meatloaf: |
I owe eveything to Chef.
|
| Stan: |
Wow. So you'll help him?
|
| Meatloaf: |
You bet. Give me a box of Nilla Yum-Yum's and a couple
of Berry Bars.
|
| Stan, Kyle, Cartman: |
Cool!
|
| Kenny: |
[at the same time] (Hooray!)
|
|
[Ms. Crabtree's house. Chef is
in bed with her]
|
| Ms. Crabtree: |
All right, let's get this show on the road! Come 'ere,
puppy!
|
| Chef: |
Uh, uh, hold on a second, Ms. Crabtree. How would you
like to use some… sex toys?
|
| Ms. Crabtree: |
Sex toys? Like what?
|
| Chef: |
Like this very special device. [pulls up a paper bag] I
call it "Chef's Pleasure Bag." |
| Ms. Crabtree: |
How does it work?
|
| Chef: |
Now, all you do is put this paper bag over your head,
and it increases your sexual pleasure.
|
| Ms. Crabtree: |
Really? Well, hell, let's give it a shot. [She drops a
bit, and Chef places the bag on her head]
|
| Chef: |
[admiring the rest of her] Aaah, yeah. That's much
better.
|
|
[The boys visit Rick James]
|
| Rick: |
Sure. I'll do anything for Chef. Give me a box of those
Choco-Numbers. [hands them the money]
|
| Kyle: |
Gosh. Thanks, Rick James.
|
| Stan: |
Yeah, thanks. [to Kyle as they walk away] That's $35
dollars. Come on, you guys. We've gotta hurry and give this money to
Chef!
|
|
[City Hall. Chef and the Mayor
are in her bed]
|
| The Mayor: |
Ohoho, that was wonderful, Chef. Good show!
|
| Chef: |
[pants] I can't keep doin' this. It's killin' me!
|
| The Mayor: |
[encouraging] Ugh, come on, buck up, little fella.
|
| Chef: |
I'm serious! I'm not gonna make it.
|
| The Mayor: |
Sure you are, Chef. I'll give you a hundred more for
another romp! [shows him the money. Chef drops out of bed, and the
Mayor has nothing to do] Aw, hell!
|
|
[Mr. Garrison's house. Officer
Barbrady enters]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[upset] Thanks for coming, Officer Barbrady!
|
| Officer Barbrady: |
What's this all about?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
These pictures just arrived. I set up a camera, and
caught Mr. Twig's assailant red-handed! Now, go arrest 'im! [pulls out
the pictures. Barbrady looks at them, then at Garrison. Garrison looks
at them, then softly] What??
|
| Officer Barbrady: |
Can I go now?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Yes. Yes, uh-I'm sorry.
|
| Officer Barbrady: |
Weirdo. [leaves]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[looks at each picture] It can't be. These can't be
right. [walks to the guest cloest and opens the door, looks inside, and
gasps loudly] Mr. Hat!! [there he is!]
|
|
[the boys go to Chef's house.
Three police cars are there. The boys walk in to see Chef being cuffed]
|
| Stan: |
Wait, wait. What are you doing?
|
| Chef: |
It's over, children. I couldn't raise the $2 million to
hire Johnny Cochran, and now I have to go to jail.
|
| Stan: |
[happily] No you don't.
|
| Chef: |
Huh?
|
| Kyle: |
We went to a bunch of rock stars and sold them candy
bars to raise the moeny you needed.
|
| Chef: |
Did what?! Wow! How much did you make?
|
| Kyle: |
Cartman?
|
| Cartman: |
[stands by the Save Chef money meter] Well, you can see
here that we raised approximately $95, falling well short of our $2
million goal illustrated here.
|
| Chef: |
[dejected] Ooh.
|
| Kyle: |
But we can put our money together with the money you
made whoring yourself to all the women. How much did you make?
|
| Chef: |
I made about $410,300, but-
|
| Mr. Big Record Producer: |
That doesn't matter, because that money belongs to me!
|
| Stan: |
You can't take Chef's money! That illeg-!
|
| Mr. Big Record Producer: |
I AM ABOVE THE LAW! [his lock falls forward, and he
resets it with SPOOGE]
|
| Officer: |
All right, you. It's time to go!
|
| Chef: |
Good-bye, children. Thanks for all your help.
|
| Officer: |
Let's go. [hits Chef with the baton--Paff]
|
| Chef: |
[miffed] Ow! What the hell did you do that for?!
|
| Officer: |
I don't tell you how to do your job, don't tell me how
to do mine!
|
| Chef: |
[The officers lead him out. Paff] Ow! [paff] Ow!
|
| Kyle: |
Dude, Chef is gone.
|
| Stan: |
No more Chef.
|
| Cartman: |
[voice quivering] No more Salisbury steak and pecan
pie. [weeps]
|
| Stan: |
We can't let him down, you guys.
|
| Kyle: |
Dude, it's over. He's gone.
|
| Stan: |
No! Chef wouldn't give up on us. How many times has
Chef gotten us out of trouble?
|
| Cartman: |
Four.
|
| Kyle: |
But what are we gonna do?
|
| Stan: |
It's easy, dude. Chef Aid.
|
| Kyle: |
Chef Aid?
|
| Stan: |
Yeah. We set up a stage, and have Cartman do the German
Dance. Then we charge people for tickets.
|
| Kyle: |
Hey, that's a great idea!
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah!
|
|
[Mr. Garrison's house. He
paces back and forth in front of Mr. Hat, seated in the armchair]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[angrily] Did you think
I would just take you back? Like you can just, walk out and then, come
back like nothing happened? Oh, don't look at me like that, Mr. Hat.
Remember, you're the one that left! And I'm NOT goin' to take you back!
[removes him and takes him to the door] You can just go to hell!
[throws him into the street] You go to hell and you die! [walks out to
the street in his underwear] You are a lying ball of turd, Mr. Hat!!
[neighbors converge on the scene] I hope you starve, you lousy son of a
bitch!! [notices the crowd. Barbrady walks up] What are you all looking
at? This is just between me and Mr. Hat.
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
It's over, Mr. Garrison. This is it. We've had enough.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Wuwhat do you mean?
|
| Officer Barbrady: |
I'm afraid it's the big house for you, fruitcake.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
What?! Jail??
|
|
[Chef Aid. Fanfare.]
|
| Cartman: |
[back in lederhosen]
I will do the German daunce for you.
It's fun and gay and tra-la-la
I hope you will enjoy my daunce
Feedly-I feedly-I ay.
[some folks stop by, then leave]
|
| Kyle: |
Hmm. This isn't going over so well.
|
| Stan: |
Cartman just needs to put more into it [to Cartman]
Dance better, Cartman! |
| Cartman: |
[faster]
"Would you like some sauerkraut
German boy, German boy?"
"Yes I'd like some sauerkraut.
Boy, I'm hungry!"
[a white limousine pulls up]
|
| Elton: |
[steps out] Howdy ho, boys! |
| Stan: |
Elton John. What are you doing here?
|
| Elton: |
It occured to me that you might need some more help
raising money for Chef.
|
| Stan: |
Boy, do we!
|
| Elton: |
So I called a few friends, and we all decided to come
over. [at least four more limos pull up]
|
| Kyle: |
Wow, cool!
|
| Elton: |
I see you've got a stage all set up for us.
|
| Stan: |
Yeah, dude. It's all yours!
|
| Elton: |
Then, let's rock and roll! Or something simlar.
|
| Cartman, Kenny: |
Hooray!
|
|
[South Park Police Dept. Chef
and Garrison now share the same cell] |
| Mr. Garrison: |
…And Mr. Twig is at home; he
has no idea Mr. Hat is even back. I mean, I care a lot about Mr. Twig,
but Mr. Hat and I have so much history.
|
| Chef: |
You've finally snapped, huh, Garrison? |
| Mr. Garrison: |
What?
|
| Chef: |
Don't you get it, Garrison? It's all you! You're Mr.
Hat and Mr. Twig! You've got split personalities schizophrenic jeebies.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
…I warn you, Chef! Don't even think of
taking advantage of me in this prison cell! |
| Chef: |
What??
|
|
[back at Chef Aid. The stage
has been reworked with the addition of PA system, drums, floodlights,
spotlights]
|
| Teen MC: |
Okay. Thanks for coming to Chef Aid, everybody! Are you
ready to rock and roll?! [five people stand around, motionless] Woo!
[no response] All right, let's get things going with…
Rancid!! [moves offstage and squeaks] Ran-cid! [the band members take
their positions]
|
| Rancid: |
California sun has sunk
But Amana mailed, she'll come tonight
I wish I were junk-
[people begin to jump to the music and buy tickets]
|
|
[back in jail]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
You still aren't entertaining any ideas of raping me
here in this prison cell, are you, Chef?
|
| Chef: |
No, Garrison! Shut the hell up!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Well that's good. [something pulls the cell wall apart,
and the window falls, leaving a large opening]
|
| Chef: |
What the?!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[exults] Oh boy, we're free! [he and Chef walk out to a
truck] Wow, what a daring rescue! [opens the driver's door] Mr. Hat!
[Yup. Mr. Garrison turns] Mr. Hat saved us, Chef! [Chef is puzzled]
Come on, let's get in the truck! I'll drive from here, Mr. Hat. [starts
up the engine]
|
| Chef: |
How the hell did he reach the gas pedal?
|
|
[Chef Aid. Rick James has just
ended a song. The group is now a crowd, cheering the music]
|
| Rick: |
Mmmmm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mmmm.
|
| Teen MC: |
Rick James, ladies and gentlemen!
|
| Rick: |
God bless you, Chef! [leaves]
|
| Teen MC: |
And now here's your favorite band, Primus! Woo!
|
| Les Claypool: |
[in duck outfit] We're
damned proud to be here to support our good buddy, Chef. It was Chef
who told us in the early days, to keep trying and to keep pursuing our
dreams, no matter how much we sucked. I love that man. [Primus begins
to play. Someone holds up a poster saying, "We Love Chef." Mr. Mackey
is being moved around above the crowd]
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Wooo!
|
| Mr. Big Record Producer: |
[walks up to the boys] What are you bastards doing?
|
| Kyle: |
We are raising money so that Chef can hire Johnny
Cochran to sue you!
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah, now get out of here before I kick you in the
nuts!
|
| Mr. Big Record Producer: |
Oh yeah? We'll just see about this!
|
| Teen MC: |
Now here's Joe Strummer! Wooo-hoo!
|
| Joe: |
You know, in the Classroom Tour, we lost
a beat. Chef would be like it was so offstage going, "Don't forget.
Pump your loins, children." [the crowd is calm] You know, it was like
his mo'o, or something.
|
| Teen MC: |
[popping in] Woo! [the band begins to play]
|
| Joe: |
Well it's a rockin' world, make no mistake about it
It's a shockin' world, could be what's so great about it
[The truck pulls up and Chef exits]
It's a rockin' world, there ain't nothing fake abou-
|
| Chef: |
What the hell is this? [The music stops, and the crowd
turns to face him]
|
| The Crowd: |
Welcome to Chef Aid, Chef.
|
| Stan: |
Wow, how'd you get out of jail, Chef?
|
| Chef: |
Mr. Hat busted me out. Children, did you do this?
|
| Kyle: |
Well, we helped.
|
| Stan: |
We're gonna raise your money, Chef.
|
| Chef: |
[turns to the stage] I don't believe it!
|
| Mr. Big Record Producer: |
[ready to saw a support in half] We'll just see how
long this Chef Aid thing lasts! [starts sawing and laughing cruelly]
|
| Teen MC: |
And now, here he is. TV's Ozzy Osbourne!
|
| Ozzy: |
We're all here to help our good friend, Chef, who has
touched our lives in the past. [Johnny Cochran is now in the crowd,
listening]
I remember when I was just starting out. Chef suggested I buy a
pompadour hat. I thought he said, "bite the head off a bat," so I did.
And the rest, oh, it's just history. Now, let's go freakeeee! [music
starts and crowd roars]
Ain't nowhere to run (come everybody let's)
[the producer continues sawing. Two of the supports are gone]
Ain't nowhere to hide (come on!)
[picks up Kenny and bites into him] Arrrrrrrrgh
|
| Kenny: |
(All right dude, let me go now)
|
| Ozzy |
[looks up with a bloody mouth] Yaahhhh! [Kenny's head
is missing. The music dies down]
|
| Stan: |
Oh my God, Ozzy Osbourne bit Kenny's head off!
|
| Kyle: |
You bastard!
|
| Teen MC: |
And now here's Ween! [the band members, wearing "I'm in
Ween" tees, get in place]
|
| Dean: |
[the crowd cheers] We're proud to be a part of Chef
Aid.
|
| Gene: |
Chef is the guy who told us to do a country album.
|
| Dean: |
Whoa, dude, that was Steve's idea.
|
| Gene: |
Oh, then. Who's Chef?
|
| Dean: |
I don't know, dude. I though you knew him.
|
| Gene: |
Oh, well. Anyways, here's our song! [the crowd roars]
|
| Ween: |
Many colors in my homo rainbow
Don't be afraid to let your colors shine
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[still undressed] Don't worry, Mr. Twig. Even though
Mr. Hat rescued me from prison, I'm still gonna stick with you. ["Many
colors in my homo rainbow. Don't we all just-"]
|
| Mr. Twig: |
[in a French accent] Do you love him?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
It doesn't matter. He left me.
|
| Mr. Twig: |
Do you love him?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[breaks down] Yes. [a variation on Wendy's theme plays]
|
| Mr. Twig: |
Then run to him.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
But I feel like I'd be making the wrong decision.
|
| Mr. Twig: |
Love isn't a decision, it's a feeling. If we could
decide who we love, it would be much simpler, but much less magical.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
I'll never forget you, Mr. Twig. Thank you. [tosses him
away, pulls out Mr. Hat, and smiles.]
|
| Teen MC: |
And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elton John! Woo!
[the crowd cheers]
|
| Elton: |
[under a spotlight at the piano] Thank you all for
coming to help Chef. This is a song written by a veerry special little
boy [Stan] I have no idea what his name is. Agh, who the hell cares?
Anyway, he wrote it for his girlfriend. [the crowd is excited]
Wake up, Wendy. Smell the coffee
[Wendy smiles and looks over at Stan. Stan looks baack]
|
| Kyle: |
Dude, that's your song for Wendy!
|
| Cartman: |
Ha haa, you're a wuss. [Stan punches him]
|
| Elton: |
You know I do want you
Your flavors smell of peanuts peanuts peanuts…
|
|
[the record producer saws yet another
support, and this one brings the stage down, with Elton still on it.
The lights go out, and the audience is stunned]
|
| Mr. Big Record Producer: |
Haa ha ha ha ha. I win. You lose! Chef Aid is over, and
you didn't raise near enough money to pay Cochran's legal fees. Ha
hahaha I win!
|
| Voice Over: |
And what happened then? Well, in South Park they say [a
little X-ray panel comes up and shows Cochran's heart], Johnny
Cochran's heart grew three sizes that day. [the heart bursts through
the panel, and the panel diappears]
|
| Cochran: |
Wait! [walks to Chef] Mr. Chef, this music has really
touched me. I'd like to take up your case, free of charge!
|
| Chef: |
You will?
|
| Cochran: |
I will.
|
| Crowd: |
YEA!!
|
| Mr. Big Record Producer: |
No!
|
| Cochran: |
We'll see you in court, Mr. Record Producer.
|
| Mr. Big Record Producer: |
[drops to his knees] Nooooooooooo!
|
|
[Back to the
courthouse. Cochran now prosecutes for Chef, and the record producer
has a new lawyer. The boys are now among the obssrvers]
|
| Cochran: |
Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, you must
now decide whether or not to reverse the decision for my client, Chef.
[next to a display stand] I know he seeems guilty, but ladies and
gentlemen, this… is Chewbacca. [pulls down a picture of him]
Now think about that for one minute: that does NOT MAKE SENSE! Why am I
talkin' about Chewbacca when a man's life is on the line? [Chef looks
at the picture] Why? I tell you why. I don't know. It doesn't make
sense. If Chewbacca does not make sense, you must acquit! [produces a
monkey] Here, look at the monkey. Look at the silly monkey. [a juror
chokes, then his head explodes]
|
|
[The courthouse doors open and
Chef emerges, with the four boys behind him. Reporters gather around
him]
|
| Reporter: |
Chef? How does it feel to be a free man and finally
have your name credited on the song, "Stinky Britches"?
|
| Chef: |
It feels greaheet! I just can't fuhind
the words to thank all the artists who put on Chef Aid. And most of
all, I want to thank the children.
|
| Reporter: |
So, what are you gonna do now?
|
| Chef: |
Get back to what's important. It's Tuesday! And that
means tomorrow is Tuna Casserole Day.
|
| The Boys: |
Hooray!
|
|
[End of Chef Aid. "Stinky
Britches" plays, but it's worth repeatiing:
Stinky britches, you've got those stinky britches
Stinky britches, you've got them stinky britches
Stinky britches, you've - got - stinky britches
Whew!
Stinky!]
|
