|
[The optometrist's office.
A penguin sits above the OPTOMETRIST sign. Liane and Cartman are
waiting in the lobby. Liane reads a magazine. A poster off to one side
reads "Real eyes the beauty within."]
|
| Cartman: |
Mom, please can we just leave?
|
| Liane: |
You have to see the eye doctor, Eric.
|
| Cartman: |
But I hate the eye doctor. He always makes fun of me
for being fat.
|
| Liane: |
You're not fat, you're big-boned.
|
| Cartman: |
That's what I told him, but he doesn't listen to reason.
|
| Doctor's assistant: |
[at the door, flatly] Eric Cartman. [a poster behind
her looks like her]
|
| Cartman: |
[enters the examination room] Weak. [the assistant
follows him in to close the door.]
|
|
[Inside, Cartman stops]
|
| Optometrist: |
Hello, Eric.
|
| Cartman: |
[resigned] Hi, Dr. Lott
|
| Dr. Lott: |
How's my little piggy today?
|
| Cartman: |
[points his finger at him] Ey! Don't call me a little
piggy!
|
| Dr. Lott: |
I just say that because you're my little buddy.
|
| Cartman: |
I'm just here for an eye exam, all right?! Keep the fat
jokes to yourself!
|
| Dr. Lott: |
Hop up on the chair. [Cartman hope up] Don't break it
now!
|
| Cartman: |
[turns around and sits] God damn it!
|
| Dr. Lott: |
Just kidding. Let's see how your eyes are doing.
[lowering a refractor to Cartman's eyes] All you have to do is read the
letters. Can you see the letters?
|
| Cartman: |
Yes.
|
| Dr. Lott: |
All right, read them out for me.
|
| Cartman: |
I am a little piggy.
Ey! [the optometrist laughs. Cartman stands up on the chair and pushes
the refractor away.] That does it! Mom!
|
| Dr. Lott: |
No no. That, that was just a weird coincidence. [voice
fades as he removes the card from the refractor] I do not know how that
happened. [reads the card] "I am a little piggy." Wow! What are the
odds of that? [throws it away] All right, let's get down to business,
shall we? [places the refractor back on Cartman's face.]
|
| Cartman: |
Oh gee! That's a good idea! My mom isn't paying you to
be a comedian!
|
| Dr. Lott: |
[begins to calibrate] Hmm, let's see, which is better:
one, or two? One, or two?
|
| Cartman: |
They look exactly the same.
|
| Dr. Lott: |
Just pick one. Or two.
|
| Cartman: |
I don't know, two! |
| Dr. Lott: |
[flips between two women] Okay. One, or two? One, or
two?
|
| Cartman: |
Uh, one.
|
| Dr. Lott: |
[flips between an apple and a tall slice of chocolate
cake] One, or two? One, or two?
|
| Cartman: |
[chooses the cake] Two.
|
| Dr. Lott: |
No! The answer is one, piggy! One! [hits Cartman
through the refractor]
|
| Cartman: |
Ow! I hate you!
|
| Dr. Lott: |
[removes the refractor] Yes, there is obviously a
problem with your eyes. I am gonna have to dilate them and run some
tests.
|
|
[Lunchtime at the school
cafeteria. Stan, Kyle and Kenny stand in line to get their lunches]
|
| Kyle: |
I wonder how come Cartman's not in school today?
|
| Stan: |
Yeah. Usually when he ditches school, he still shows up
for lunch.
|
| Kenny: |
{Maybe he took a dump and got sick.} [the others laugh]
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. [sees Cartman] Oh, here he comes.
|
| Cartman: |
[with very dilated pupils] Hey dudes.
|
| Stan: |
[squints hard for a better look] Whoa, what happened
to your eyes, Cartman? [Kyle blinks hard] |
| Cartman: |
My asshole eye doctor made them all dilevated.
|
| Kyle: |
Why?
|
| Cartman: |
Why? I'll tell you why! Because he's a God-damned
asshole, aaand, that's about it!
|
| Stan: |
Why do you have to see an eye doctor?
|
| Cartman: |
Because my eyes suck. But that doctor likes to torture
me and I have to go back tomorrow, and I don't know what I'm gonna do.
|
| Kyle: |
Dude, just ask Chef for help. He always knows what to
do. |
| Cartman: |
Hey, yeah! [The four enter the kitchen, but Cartman
runs into the entrance and falls on his way in.] Ow!
|
|
[The kitchen. The boys
approach the lunch counter]
|
| The Boys: |
Hey Chef!
|
| White Chef: |
[wearing a hair net and cook's cap] Hello there,
children. |
| Cartman: |
[rubs his eyes] Dude, my eyes are seriously screwed up.
Chef looks like a skinny little white guy.
|
| White Chef: |
It's time for lunch-e-roo
|
| Stan: |
Where's Chef?
|
| White Chef: |
Chef quit.
|
| The Boys: |
What?!
|
| White Chef: |
Chef is gone. So let my introduce myself. I'm your new
cook, Mr. Durp. [ta-daaa!]
|
| Kyle: |
Mr. Durp?
|
| Mr. Durp: |
When I'm in the kitchen, you never know what nutty
things are gonna happen. If you like Chef, you're gonna love Mr. Durp.
[ta-daaa! Mr. Durp hits himself with a hammer and toddles] Ooo! Durp!
[falls to the floor, then gets up] Durp! O-hoh wasn't that silly kids?
[laughs, but the boys aren't impressed]
|
| Stan: |
Why did Chef quit?
|
| Mr. Durp: |
Aren't I a great character? My antics go right to the
funny bone. [takes out a tiny cannon and shoots himself with it. His
face is full of gunpowder] Oh, I don't feel so good. [laughs] Durp!
|
| Stan: |
[after a moment of silence] Could you just hand us some
food please?
|
| Mr. Durp: |
Sure gang! I have yellow stuff or white stuff, huh.
Durp!
|
| Cartman: |
Can I have the yellow with a side of white?
|
|
[the boys reenter the
cafeteria with their lunches]
|
| Kyle: |
Dude! I hate Mr. Durp!
|
| Stan: |
Yeah, we gotta talk to Chef after school and get him to
come back.
|
| Cartman: |
I don't know, you guys. That hammer thing was pretty
funny. [chuckles]
|
| Kyle: |
[looks back] Shut up, Cartman!
|
|
[Chef's house. The boys reach
the front door]
|
| Cartman: |
[runs into the door] Ow!
|
| Chef: |
[wrapped in a lavender towel, opens the door] Oh! Hello
there, children!
|
| Stan: |
Chef, what the hell are you doing? We almost starved to
death at lunch today.
|
| Chef: |
Oh! Didn't they tell you? I quit.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah, but we didn't believe them.
|
| Chef: |
Well, it's true.
|
| Stan: |
But why? Why would you quit?
|
| Chef: |
Children, three nights ago I was at the
library checking out some books on kama sutra when I met the most
amazing woman ever. She knew so much about so many things. She really
got me thinking. We eventually came back to my place and really hit it
off. |
| Stan: |
So you made sweet love to her down by the fire.
|
| Chef: |
No no, we just sat there all night long and…
taaalked
|
| Stan: |
Talked?!
|
| Chef: |
Yeah. She told me all about the powers
of goddess, and how men have been oppressing women for years and
viewing them as sexual objects, and I realized that I had done that
myself.
|
| Woman: |
[walks up and looks out] Oh! What darling little
children.
|
| Chef: |
Here she is now. Children, meet my new girlfriend,
Veronica.
|
| Stan: |
[ignoring that statement] That's nice. Look Chef,
Cartman's got this eye doctor, see, and he- Girlfriend?!
|
| Chef: |
Children, Veronica is moving in with me.
|
| Kyle: |
Moving in?!
|
| Chef: |
I'm in love.
|
| Boys: |
Love?!
|
| Veronica: |
Oh, you knight. [cuddles Chef]
|
| Stan: |
What the hell is going on?!
|
| Chef: |
Veronica spent the whole day sharing her favorite poems
with me.
|
| Veronica: |
[teasing] Sorry boys, looks like I'm stealing Chef away
from you.
|
| Kyle: |
But Chef always helps us with our problems. When we
have a problem, Chef sings to us and makes it better.
|
| Chef: |
Well, I can still do that, children. In fact, Veronica
can help me. She's a great singer, too.
|
| Veronica: |
What's the problem?
|
| Cartman: |
My eyes are going bad, but the only eye doctor in South
Park is really, really mean.
|
| Veronica: |
Oh, I know just the song for you. [reaches behind the
door and pulls out a guitar. She starts to play it]
There's got to be a morning after
if we can hold on to the night
[the boys are shocked, and Kenny pulls his hood tight]
|
| Chef: |
[blandly] We have a chance to find the sunshine.
|
| Chef, Veronica: |
Let's keep on looking for the light.
|
| Kyle: |
This… is insane. ["Oh, can't you see the-"]
|
|
[On the sidewalk. The boys
walk away from Chef's house]
|
| Kyle: |
That bitch!
|
| Stan: |
She's stealing Chef from us.
|
| Kyle: |
He didn't even seem like Chef. He seemed like a empty
shell of a man.
|
| Cartman: |
Maybe it's just a phase. We just have to get him alone
so we can tell him what a bitch she is.
|
| Stan: |
Wait you guys. [pensive] Maybe, is it possible that
we're just jealous because Chef is our friend, and now he's paying
attention to somebody new? [the others think about it…]
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah, so?
|
| Stan: |
…Yeah, screw that bitch.
|
| Cartman: |
Bitch, I hate that bitch!
|
| Kyle: |
Look, we've just gotta get Chef alone. He won't listen
to reason with that hooker around.
|
| Stan: |
Let's find out where he's working and go see him there
tomorrow.
|
| Kyle: |
Good idea.
|
|
[The optometrist's office. Dr.
Lott sits in the examination room holding a clipboard]
|
| Dr. Lott: |
All right, we got the test results back, piggy-
|
| Cartman: |
[sits on the chair, his pupils normal again] Stop
calling me piggy!
|
| Dr. Lott: |
You've got a small astigmatism that's causing all the
problems.
|
| Cartman: |
So, what does that mean?
|
| Dr. Lott: |
It means, piggy, that your eyesight is never going to
get better.
|
| Cartman: |
[seething] All right. Right
now, I'm gonna be totally serious, dude. Okay? If you call me piggy one
more time, I'm gonna leap out of this chair [throws a fit] and rip your
god-damned nuts off with my bare hands!
|
| Dr. Lott: |
Well, don't worry. I've got something that's going to
make your eyes as good as new. [puts a pair of blocky glasses on
Cartman]
|
| Cartman: |
[after seeing how they look and fit] Oh, dude! Super
weak! I'm not wearing these; the guys would totally rip on me.
|
| Dr. Lott: |
I know, the hardest thing to do is get kids to wear
their glasses.
|
| Cartman: |
I'm just gonna take them off as soon as I leave!
|
| Dr. Lott: |
That's why we have the little stapler. [takes it out
and starts stapling the glasses to Cartman's head]
|
| Cartman: |
Ow! Son of a bitch!
|
|
[The streets of South Park.
The boys, without Cartman, are in the business district
looking…]
|
| Kyle: |
They said that Chef works in one of these buildings
[the boys run into Cartman in front of Steinburg & Burgstein
Accounting.]
|
| Cartman: |
Hey dudes. [the others study him, then laugh. Cartman's
hurt, but jabs] Ha ha ha ha! Look at Cartman and his stupid glasses! Ha
ha ha ha!
|
| Kyle: |
Dude! Just take them off!
|
| Cartman: |
I can't! They're stapled to my head! [they study him
again, then laugh harder.] I hate you guys.
|
|
[Inside. The boys enter and
see the receptionist]
|
| Receptionist: |
Hello and welcome to Steinburg & Burgstein. Can
I help you?
|
| Stan: |
We wanna talk to Chef.
|
| Receptionist: |
Chef?
|
| Kyle: |
He's a big guy, with a beard.
|
| Stan: |
And a chef hat.
|
| Kenny: |
{And a real huge dick.}
|
| Receptionist: |
Oh! The black guy!
|
| Stan: |
Huh?
|
| Receptionist: |
Third cubicle on the left [directs them to the work
area, where Chef's hat can be seen, but stops Cartman] Hey! Aren't you
that cute little kid from Jerry Maguire?
|
| Cartman: |
[dismissively] Uh, yeah, sure sure.
|
| Receptionist: |
Wow! You really got fat.
|
| Cartman: |
Ey!
|
|
[The boys reach Chef's cubicle]
|
| Chef: |
Hello there, children.
|
| Kids: |
Hey, Chef.
|
| Chef: |
Eric, you got glasses!
|
| Stan: |
Chef, you have to dump the bitch!
|
| Chef: |
Huh?
|
| Kyle: |
We need you, Chef.
|
| Man: |
[pops up from another cubicle] Hey, Chef-o, we're gonna
run down to the office supply store and get some leather holders for
our pagers, you wanna come?
|
| Chef: |
You bet! [the guy grins]
|
| Kyle: |
Chef, this place isn't you!
|
| Chef: |
Children, Veronica showed me that I've
been living a very empty life. Meaningless sex is fun for twenty or
thirty years, but after that, it starts to get old.
|
| Stan: |
But we don't like her.
|
| Chef: |
Why not??
|
| Stan: |
I don't know-uh. No reason I guess.
|
| Chef: |
Children, friends get girlfriends all the time. It's
something even you will have to face with each other some day.
|
| Kyle: |
No way, dude!
|
| Cartman: |
Please, Chef! I don't know what to do about my stupid
glasses.
|
| Chef: |
That's easy! Get some laser corrective surgery. That's
what I did.
|
| Cartman: |
Hey! Laser corrective surgery! Thanks Chef!
|
| Chef: |
You see? Everything's gonna be fine. Now how about I
meet you boys after work and we can play ball?
|
| Kids: |
Okay!
|
|
[The bus stop. The boys wait
for Chef. Cartman carries a bat in his right hand and a baseball in his
left]
|
| Kyle: |
Chef should be here any minute.
|
|
[The day passes into
night, and Kenny falls asleep. Rats gather and nibble on him. The
others stand watch waiting for Chef, but there's no sign of him. The
night turns to day, and still no Chef. Kenny wakes up…]
|
| Stan: |
[pissed] Dude! He bailed on us!
|
| Kyle: |
[pissed] I can't believe it!
|
| Stan: |
Come on! We're going to his house! [they leave the bus
stop]
|
|
[Chef's house, inside. There's
a knock on the door and Chef answers. The boys stand outside, angry.]
|
| Chef: |
Oh! Uh, hello there, children.
|
| Kyle: |
All right, mister! You better have a good explanation
for why you didn't show up to play ball!
|
| Chef: |
Oh, children, I'm sorry. I forgot.
|
| Stan: |
[sarcastic] You forgot!
|
| Chef: |
Veronica surprised me at the office and took me out to
dinner. [dreamy] She's so amazing.
|
| Kyle: |
Well, we've got something to tell you about Veronica,
Chef!
|
| Veronica: |
[appears behind Chef] Hello, children!
|
| Cartman: |
Ma'am, we're having a dude moment here, if you don't
mind?
|
| Chef: |
Children, I've got some great news for you. Veronica
and I are getting married. [a dramatic riff signals the boys' alarm]
|
| Stan: |
Oh no! No nononononono!
|
| Chef: |
My whole family's coming here for the wedding, and I
want you boys to come, too.
|
| Veronica: |
This is so wonderful! Let's sing! [gets the guitar]
There's got to be a morning after.
|
| Chef: |
[blandly] If we can hold on through the night.
[the boys are truly shocked] We have a chance to find the sunshine.
|
|
[South Park Elementary, Mr.
Garrison's class]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
And that, children, is what you need to know about The
Facts Of Life. So, let's review. [writes a diagram on the board]
Tootie left in the fourth season, but Blair and Jo stayed on and got
husbands, leaving the fifth and sixth seasons hideously stagnant. [the
bell rings] Okay children, that's lunch. See you in thirty minutes.
[the class leaves, but the boys walk up to Garrison]
|
| Kyle: |
Mr. Garrison, can we talk to you?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Sure.
|
| Stan: |
Normally we go to Chef with our problems, but wuh we
can't this time.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[asserting himself] Well children, I am your teacher. I
think you'll find that my advice is just as valuable as Chef's, if not
more so.
|
| Kyle: |
All right. Mr. Garrison, have you ever
had a friend who got a new girlfriend, and then stopped being your
friend, and it pissed you off?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Oh, the old succubus syndrome.
|
| Stan: |
What's a succubus?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
A succubus is a woman sent from Hell to suck the life
out of a man.
|
| Kyle: |
That's it!
|
| Stan: |
Yeah!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Yeah, there's not much you can do about a succubus.
Their evil power makes man blind to love.
|
| Kyle: |
This is totally what's happening!
|
| Stan: |
Wow, you are smart, Mr. Garrison!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Yeah, I tell you boys, women
can kill. Poontang's expensive. That's why when it comes to chicks, I
just screw them and leave them. I'd say "get out of my bedroom,
poontang, before you suck my life dry!"
|
| Kyle: |
Thanks, Mr. Garrison.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Sure, kids. [the boys leave the classroom]
|
| Mr. Hat: |
You're not fooling anyone!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Shut your hole, Mr. Hat!
|
|
[South Park business district.
The boys head back to Steinburg and Burgstein]
|
| Kyle: |
Come on guys! We gotta go tell Chef he's in love with a
succubus.
|
| Stan: |
Yeah! He's gonna be so thankful we told him. [a small
station wagon pulls up, driven by Cartman's mom]
|
| Liane: |
There you are, Eric! Come on, we have to go to the eye
doctor.
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, no!
|
| Liane: |
Come on. Do you want your laser corrective surgery or
not?
|
| Cartman: |
Yes, but can't we wait until tomorrow.
|
| Liane: |
Now, hon.
|
| Cartman: |
But mo-om! I have to tell Chef that he's marrying a
succubuuus!
|
|
[Chef's house. People
are milling around outside as Stan, Kyle, and Kenny arrive. Stan rings
the doorbell, and an elderly gray-haird man answers]
|
| Chef's dad: |
Hello there, children.
|
| Stan: |
Who are you?
|
| Chef's dad: |
I'm Chef's father. We just flew in for the wedding.
|
| Kyle: |
Oh, hi. Is Chef here? We have to talk to him.
|
| Chef's dad: |
Well, come on in. [they enter]
|
|
[Once inside, Chef's dad
closes the door]
|
| Kyle: |
There he is! [rushes in]
|
|
[The fitting room.
Chef's dad shows them in, then leaves. A tailor takes Chef's
measurements for the pants as Vernoica walks by. Chef is wearing the
finished coat and shirt.]
|
| Stan: |
Chef, we have to talk to you!
|
| Chef: |
Who? Not now, children! I gotta get fitted for my
britches! Be right back. [hurries away. Stan's head drops, then the
boys walk away.]
|
|
[The living room. The
boys reach the sofa and hop up to sit on it. Chef's parents sit across
from them on the love seat. An uneasy silence follows] |
| Chef's dad: |
Well, aren't you crackers just cute as the dickens?
|
| Stan: |
You're Chef's parents?
|
| Chef's mom: |
Yes, all his life.
|
| Kyle: |
We have to talk to him!
|
| Chef's dad: |
Well, he should be out now directly.
|
| Chef's mom: |
Oh, he's so excited about the wedding now.
|
| Chef's dad: |
Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we
saw the Loch Ness monster?
|
| Stan: |
No, that's okay.
|
| Chef's dad: |
Ooh, it must've been about seven,
eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see,
all alone at night, when all of a sudden this huge creature, this giant
crustacean from the paleolithic era, comes out of the water.
|
| Chef's mom: |
We was so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the
boat and I said "Thomas, what on earth is that creature?!"
|
| Thomas: |
It stood above us looking down with these big red
eyes,-
|
| Chef's mom: |
Oh, it was so scary!
|
| Thomas: |
-and I yelled. I said, "What do you want from us,
monster?!" And the monster bent down and said, "…Uh I need
about tree-fitty." [a long silence follows]
|
| Kyle: |
What's tree-fitty?
|
| Thomas: |
Three dollars and fifty cents.
|
| Chef's mom: |
Tree-fitty.
|
| Stan: |
He wanted money?
|
| Thomas: |
That's right. I said "I ain't giving you no tree-fitty
you goddamn Loch Ness monster! Get your own goddamn money!"
|
| Chef's mom: |
I gave him a dollar.
|
| Thomas: |
She gave him a dollar.
|
| Chef's mom: |
I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar.
|
| Thomas: |
Well of course he's not gonna go away, Nellie! You gave
him a dollar, he's gonna assume you got more!
|
|
[The optometrist's
office. Cartman is on the examination chair flanked by a nurse on each
side. He is wearing a breathing mask. Dr. Lott noves around him]
|
| Dr. Lott: |
Okay, let's get started. You're here for the
liposuction, right? [the nurses giggle]
|
| Cartman: |
Hey! You son of a bitch!
|
| Dr. Lott: |
All right. Time to laser me a little piggy. [the nurses
giggle]
|
| Cartman: |
Ey! You son of a bitch! I'm gonna kick you square in
the nuh- [Dr. Lott turns up the sleeping gas] I'm gonyanya, uhnyuh,
uhnyuuh, nyaahh [the gas knocks him out]
|
| Dr. Lott: |
I bet his mom wishes she could do that.
|
|
[Chef's house. Thomas is still
telling the story…]
|
| Thomas: |
And that was the third time we saw the Loch Ness
monster. Then one time, I believe it was July-
|
| Nellie: |
August.
|
| Thomas: |
-August. There's a knock on the door. I open it, and
there's this cute little girl scout-
|
| Nellie: |
And she was so adorable, with the little pig tails and
all.
|
| Thomas: |
-And she says to me, "How would you
like to buy some cookies?" And I said "Well, what kind do you have?"
She had thin mints, graham crunchy things-
|
| Nellie: |
Raisin oatmeal.
|
| Thomas: |
-Raisin oatmeal, and I said "We'll
take a graham crunch. How much will that be?" And she looks at me and
she says, "…Uh I need about tree-fitty."
|
| Nellie: |
…Tree-fitty.
|
| Thomas: |
Well, it was about that time that I
notice that girl scout was about eight stories tall and was a
crustacean from the protozoic era.
|
| Nellie: |
The Loch Ness monster.
|
| Thomas: |
I said, "Dammit monster! Get off my lawn! I ain't
giving you no tree-fitty!" It said, "how about just two-fitty?" I said,
"Oh, now it's only two-fitty!! What?! Is there a sale on Loch Ness
munchies or something?!"
|
| Nellie: |
Lord, he was angry.
|
| Thomas: |
Damn right, I was angry!
|
| Nellie: |
Not you, the monster. He was about to kick your ass.
|
| Thomas: |
Aah, shut your mouth, woman!
|
| Stan: |
Uh, could you just tell Chef we were here?
|
| Thomas: |
Sure. That crazy old monster [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny
walk out] Now, then the fourth time I saw the…
|
|
[Cartman's room.
Cartman is in bed recovering from the laser corrective surgery on his
eyes. Patches cover his eyes and are taped to his face. There's a knock
on his door, and the boys enter]
|
| Stan: |
[disappointed] Cartman, what the hell are you doing?!
|
| Cartman: |
That asshole eye doctor screwed up my laser surgery; I
have to wear these bandages for three days!
|
| Stan: |
Damn, your eyes must really suck, Cartman.
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, thanks for the news flash, Tom Brokaw! What
happened with Chef? Did you tell him she's a succubus?
|
| Stan: |
Well, we couldn't even talk to him. She's so evil. She
has him totally kept away from us.
|
| Liane: |
[entering] Eric, you have a little visitor. Is that all
right? [the others face her]
|
| Cartman: |
Okay. [Liane leaves, and Veronica soon enters]
|
| Veronica: |
Hello,
boys. I heard Eric had laser surgery, so I made him a pie.
|
| Cartman: |
Aaah! It's the succubus! [looks in her direction as the
others jump, and Kenny pulls his hood tight]
|
| Veronica: |
Huh?
|
| Stan: |
We know what you are, lady!
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah! You're a blood-thirsty succubus!
|
| Veronica: |
A what?
|
| Stan: |
A demon from Hell sent to suck the life out of men!
|
| Veronica: |
[sweetly] Boys, you know how silly that sounds, don't
you?
|
| Kyle: |
Well, you are taking Chef from us. [Kenny has loosened
his hood]
|
| Veronica: |
[sets the pie down on the floor]
Boys, come here. I want to explain this to you. I know Chef is your
friend, but Chef is a grown man. He has needs you boys can't fulfill.
He wants a life with me because I make him happy. Do you understand?
|
| Stan: |
I guess
|
| Veronica: |
Good. Oh and boys. Just one more thing. I'm going to
marry Chef tomorrow, [her face becomes that of a demon's, with
blood-red eyes and sharp teeth, and her voice grows sinister] And
there's not a God-damned thing you can do about it! [laughs evilly.
Stan and Kyle jump and scream, and Kenny pulls his hood tight again.
Her face resets itself] Toodle-oo! [leaves]
|
| Stan: |
Jesus dude! [the boys are trembling, and Kenny keeps
that hood tight]
|
| Cartman: |
What? What happened?
|
|
[King Jimmy's Buffet. A
banner spans the front of the restaurant, saying, "Clsoed for Wedding
Rehearsal Dinner Party." Chef, his family, Veronica, and other guests
are present. Soft jazz plays in the background.]
|
| Thomas: |
Could I have your attention please? [the guests quiet
down and the music stops] Tomorrow, my son is gonna get married to a
beautiful lady. [sniffles] I'm very happy for them both. [sobs] Ooh
there I go! I told myself I wasn't gonna cry, now.
|
| Chef: |
It's okay, pop.
|
| Nellie: |
Thomas, you're gonna get me going now. [sobs]
|
| Thomas: |
Oh, I remember when Chef was just a
three-year-old little man. He came running up to me with a big smile
and his little chef's hat on, and he said, "Poppa, poppa!" I said "What
do you need, Chef, my boy?", and he said, "…I need about
tree-fitty."
|
| Nellie: |
…Tree-fitty.
|
| Thomas: |
Well, it was about that time I got suspicious. I said,
"Chef, why do you
need tree-fitty?" He said, "My imaginary friend Goo-Goo the dinosaur
wants it." I went to my son's room, and sure enough, there was the Loch
Ness monster!
|
| Nellie: |
Oh, it was scary!
|
| Thomas: |
I said, "Dammit monster! You stop bugging my children
now! We work for our money in this house and we don't give money away!"
|
|
[the door opens, and the boys
enter]
|
| Stan: |
Excuse me! [the boys stop at the register] We're sorry
to interrupt, but we've got bad news. [the boys approach the head table]
|
| Kyle: |
[pointing to Veronica] This is not a woman! It is a
succubus!
|
| Chef: |
What?!
|
| Stan: |
Yeah! She's evil and wants to suck Chef's life out of
him
|
| Veronica: |
[hurt] Children! That hurts my feelings.
|
| Kyle: |
[unmoved] Oh, you can pretend all you want! You're not
fooling anybody!
|
| Chef: |
All right guys! That's enough! I have had it with you!
This is the happiest time of my life, and you can't be happy for me!
|
| Stan: |
Chef, but-
|
| Chef: |
No buts, Stan! [Veronica starts crying, and he cradles
her] I love this woman, and I am marrying her! Now you can either
accept that, or get out of my life! Now if you'll excuse us, we're
having a party. [the boys exit]
|
| Thomas: |
So I chased the monster down the street, you
see…
|
|
[Outside, the boys walk away
from the restaurant]
|
| Kyle: |
I guess there's nothing we can do. Chef likes her more
than us.
|
| Stan: |
No! I'm not willing to give up! Chef wouldn't give up
on us!
|
|
[Cartman's room, morning.
Cartman is in bed with patches over his eyes. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are
reading books on demonology]
|
| Stan: |
Oh man! There's tons of stuff on succubuses, but
nothing on how to stop them.
|
| Cartman: |
You guys, it's six in the morning, I have to get some
sleep.
|
| Stan: |
Dude! Chef's wedding is in three hours. We've got that
much time to find out how to destroy a Succubus.
|
| Cartman: |
You know what?! Screw Chef! There, I said it! Screw
him! Let him marry a succubus! I wanna go to sleep. [rolls over]
|
| Kyle: |
Here! Here! Look at this. It says "The
succubus enchants its victim with an eerie melody. This is the Succubi
power. Only playing this melody backwards can vanquish the succubus
power."
|
| Stan: |
What the hell does that mean?
|
| Kyle: |
I don't know.
|
| Kenny: |
[closes his book and expounds]
(Hey, you guys! You guys, I think I know precisely what it's saying. It
says that we've gotta go and find a pile of records and get the one
that has the entire lyrics, and then we gotta get into learning to
rearrange them.)
|
| Stan: |
Right.
|
| Kenny: |
(And then we gotta go down and get a
piece of paper and write down each one of the words we sang on the tape
deck. And then, sing it back again!)
|
| Stan: |
Yeah?
|
| Kenny: |
(That's what that means!)
|
| Stan: |
Oh-hoho!
|
| Kyle: |
Hey yeah! What's that song she always sings? There's
got to be a morning after.
|
| Cartman: |
[picks up] If we can hold on to the night.
We've got to find our way together…
|
| Stan: |
That's it! We gotta learn that song backwards.
|
| Kyle: |
[doubting] In three hours.
|
|
[First Church of South
Park. A banner above the lower cross reads "Congratulations Chef and
Veronica." People are streaming in for the wedding]
|
| Kyle: |
Ah man! I can't keep my eyes open. [Cartman is nodding
off, too]
|
| Stan: |
We can't fall asleep. We gotta nail that song. [turns
to Cartman] You got the tape recorder, Cartman? Cartman?? [taps him]
|
| Kyle: |
He's asleep. Wake up fatass!
|
| Cartman: |
[rattled] What what what?
|
| Stan: |
God-damnit! You can't fall asleep.
|
| Cartman: |
I wasn't sleeping, I was just thinking really hard!
|
| Thomas: |
[telling his tale to Randy and Sharon] …And
then these aliens had me up on their ship, right? They was probing me
and all that.
|
| Nellie: |
We had taco salad that night.
|
| Thomas: |
Don't matter what we had for dinner
woman! Now this alien had a big head and big black eyes, and it was all
bent over me. I said, "What do you want from me, alien?!" and do you
know what he said?
|
| Nellie: |
Tree-fitty.
|
| Thomas: |
Uh. Let me tell the damn story now!
He said, "tree-fitty." And so I realized I that it wasn't no alien, it
was that God-damned Loch Ness monster again, trying to trick me into
giving him tree-fitty by dressing up like an alien. Don't that just
beat all?!
|
| Nellie: |
I had just given him tree-fitty the week before.
|
| Thomas: |
What?! You gave that monster another damn tree-fitty?!
|
| Nellie: |
[somewhat defensive] He tricked me.
|
| Thomas: |
Well no wonder the damn monster keeps coming back to
our house! You keep giving it tree-fitty!
|
|
[The ceremony begins.
An usher goes up to a turntable and sets the needle down on a racord.
Veronica enters in a traditional wedding gown]
|
| Stan: |
There she is! ["Here Comes the Bride" plays. Chef and
Priest Maxi await her.]
|
| Stan: |
[as Vernonica walks by] Bitch. Bitch.
|
| Kyle: |
[joins in] Bitch.
|
| Stan: |
Bitch.
|
| Kyle: |
Dirty bitch.
|
| Stan: |
[to Cartman] All right. Kyle and I are gonna take our
positions up front.
|
| Cartman: |
Okay. [Stan and Kyle leave]
|
| Priest Maxi: |
Do you, Chef, take this woman as your lawful-wedded
wife, to have and to-
|
| Chef: |
Iii do!
|
| Nellie: |
Aaah, my baby's getting married!
|
| Priest Maxi: |
And do you, Veronica, take Chef to be your daddy?
|
| Veronica: |
I do!
|
| Priest Maxi: |
And now a special sharing of vows through song.
|
| Stan: |
[as "A Morning After" begins] Here it goes
|
| Veronica: |
There's got to be a morning after. [the needle is
removed and there's no more music]
|
| Stan: |
Now, Cartman! [Kyle holds the needle in his left hand.
The crowd gasps and Vernoica is pissed]
|
| Kyle: |
Now, Cartman!! [No response. Cartman is asleep again.]
|
| Chef: |
[looks over] Children! You are screwing up my wedding!
[Priest Maxi and Veronica turn to face them]
|
| Veronica: |
I'll take care of them! [begins to move towards them]
|
| Kyle: |
Cartman!! Wake up you fat piece of crap!! [Kenny
punches Cartman]
|
| Cartman: |
Ow! [Veronica reaches Stan and Kyle, but the backwards
version of "A Morning After" soon plays]
|
| Stan, Kyle: |
[singing on the tape]
light the for looking on keep Let's
sunshine…
|
| Veronica: |
[stops] Aaargh!
|
| Stan, Kyle: |
the find to chance a have We
night-
|
| Veronica: |
Noooo! [the whites of her eyes flash red for a few
seconds]
|
| Chef: |
[sees Veronica transform] What the-?!
|
| Stan, Kyle: |
-the to on- [the tape balks and reverses to a halt]
|
| Cartman: |
Oh no! The tape jammed! [Veronica
transforms again, this time tearing through the gown, revealing her
huge wings and succubus body. The congregation reacts with groans and
screams]
|
| Man: |
Oh my God!
|
| Women: |
Oh my God!
|
| Chef: |
What the-?! [everyone else falls silent]
|
| Thomas: |
She's a goddam Succubus!
|
| Nellie: |
Succubus trying to take my baby! [the succubus roars
and flies into the air. As she hovers over the congregants, they scream
and dive under the pews]
|
|
[Outside, The doors open and
people pour out]
|
|
[Inside, Stan and Kyle try to
get Cartman's attention again]
|
| Stan: |
Come on Cartman!
|
| Cartman: |
[pressing every button on the tape player] I can't see
anything! |
| Kenny: |
[tries to help] (Wait…) [the succubus lands
on Kenny, breaking the pew in half. Kenny is dead under her feet]
|
| Stan: |
Oh my God! She killed Kenny!
|
| Kyle: |
You bastard!
|
| Nellie: |
[with a stick, runs at the succubus] You damn monster!
Get away from my baby!
|
| Thomas: |
[reaching into his pocket] Hold on, now, I'll see if I
have tree-fitty!
|
| Nellie: |
[gets a few blows in, but the succubus knocks her away]
Oh my-
|
| Cartman: |
[presses the right button] Got it! [music resumes]
|
| Stan, Kyle: |
-the to on hold can we if after [ths succubus grips her
head with both hands, roaring in pain]
morning a be to got There's
Warm and safe that's… [the ground opens up,
flames appear, and the
succubus drops down into the hole. The flames leave with her. Chef
walks up to the hold and looks over it]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[sits up in his pew] Hoh, wow! You don't see that every
day!
|
| Stan: |
[walks up with Kyle to Chef] We're sorry Chef, we had
to do it!
|
| Chef: |
[sadly] No I'm, I'm glad you did, children. Now that
she's gone, I can't really figure out what I ever saw in her.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[to man on his right] Poontang's poontang.
|
| Chef: |
Come on, children. Let's go get some ice cream.
|
| Stan, Kyle: |
Hooray! [the three walk out. As they do, people start
rising from under the pews]
|
| Cartman: |
What? What happened you guys? Is Kenny okay?
|
|
[The cafeteria kitchen. Chef
is back at the counter as the boys enter.]
|
| Chef: |
Hello there, children!
|
| Stan, Kyle: |
Hey, Chef!
|
| Chef: |
How would you like some fish sticks and tater tots?
|
| Stan: |
[cheerfully] We'd love them!
|
| Kyle: |
It's great to have you back Chef!
|
| Chef: |
Yeah, well, I learned a very important lesson this week:
[begins to sing]
Sometimes you fall in love and you think it feels that way forever.
You change your life and didn't know your friends cause you think it
can't get any better.
But then love goes away; no matter what, it doesn't stay as strong.
And then you're left with nothing, cause your tinking with your dong.
So watch out for that love bug! It can destroy like a
typhoon wind!
Just play it cool and don't be a fool…
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[from the entrance] And never let poontang come between
you and your friend.
|
| Chef: |
Daaamn right, Garrison! [song fades out]
|
|
[The optometrist's
office. Cartman walks in with a large ice box. His bandages are off.
Now we know why he wasn't at school with Stan and Kyle.]
|
| Dr. Lott: |
Oh, hello, piggy. How are your eyes doing?
|
| Cartman: |
After today they're gonna be fine, and I'll never have
to see you ever again!
|
| Dr. Lott: |
I don't think that's possible, piggy, not with your
eyes.
|
| Cartman: |
No, not with my eyes. With these! [takes Kenny's frozen
head out of the box to show the eyes] Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
|
| Dr. Lott: |
Was he an organ donor?
|
| Cartman: |
Eh-sure.
|
| Dr. Lott: |
All right, then let's get to work. [Cartman gets in the
chair, and the optometrsit pulls out Kenny's left eye] Say, you don't
have three dollars and fifty cents on you, do you?
|
|
[End of Chef's Mama. "A
Morning After" plays backwards]:
light the for looking on keep Let's
sunshine the find to chance a have We
night the to on hold can we If
after morning a be to got There's
Warm and safe that's…
|
