|
[South Park Elementary. The
school bell rings. Most of the third-grade boys are in a shop room.]
|
| Voice: |
[male] This is shop class. [it belongs to a heavyset
man, who stands next to a chalkboard, pointing to the information]
My name is Mr. Adler. For the next week, rather than your normal
schoolwork, you'll be learning how to make things. Now, does anybody
know WHY you're in shop class? [Stan raises his hand] Yes?
|
| Stan: |
Because we had to choose between this and home ec, and
we didn't wanna be sissies?
|
| Mr. Adler: |
Wrong! You are here because you are America's future!
[sittiring music plays]
You may someday be doctors, or lawyers, or scientists. Most of you,
however, will be pumping gas, or cutting sheet metal, and that's why we
have… [points to the words] shop class.
|
| Cartman: |
Ooooohh.
|
| Mr. Adler: |
Now, let me make one thing crystal
clear: I don't like kids that screw around! You screw around in shop
class, you can lose a hand or an eye. I have a- [picks up a picture of
a woman and begins to get lost looking at it] I have… uh, I
have a…
|
| Kyle: |
Mr. Adler?
|
| Mr. Adler: |
[sets the picture down] Huh? Oh, uh, I was just saying
that I want to know who is the biggest troublemaker in your class?
|
| Stan: |
[quickly points] Tweek is!
|
| Tweek: |
Arrh! No, I'm not!
|
| Kyle:Stan: |
Yeah, you are! You always get in trouble
|
| Tweek: |
Arrrrh!
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, hello, excuse me, but Craig is the biggest
troublemaker in our class.
|
| Mr. Adler: |
That true, Craig? You a troublemaker?
|
| Craig: |
No.
|
| Mr. Adler: |
Well, you'd better not be, because in shop class we-
[Craig flips him off] Hey! Did you just flip me off?!
|
| Craig: |
No.
|
| Mr. Adler: |
Yes, you did!
|
| Cartman: |
Told ya!
|
| Kyle: |
[hushed, to Stan] Dude, shop class sucks. Maybe we
should have taken home ec.
|
| Stan: |
Now way, dude. Home ec is for girls.
|
|
[The Home Economics room. All
the girls are here]
|
| Voice: |
[female] Welcome to home ec. [the camera scans across
the class] For the next week, you will be learning how to bake, sew,
clean, and make things that are lacy and pretty. [Kenny appears]
|
| Kenny: |
(Woohooo!) [Wendy raises her hand]
|
| Wendy: |
I requested to be in shop class, but they sent me here.
|
| Woman: |
That's right, Wendy. You see, some of you girls will go
on to have interesting jobs and careers. [now cautioning] But all of
you pretty ones… won't have to worry about that, because you
can marry a nice man. And that's why we have… home ec.
|
| Kenny: |
(Woohooo!) [the girls on either side of him look at him]
|
|
[The Shop room. Stan, Kyle,
and Cartman sit before a power miter box. Cartman is feeding it wood]
|
| Cartman: |
I wonder why Kenny didn't wanna take shop class? [cuts
out two slabs]
|
| Stan: |
I don't know. He's such a wuss.
|
| Mr. Adler: |
[passing by] Hey! Don't screw around! You screw around
too much!
|
| Cartman: |
You know, you guys are totally wrong about Tweek. Craig
is way worse than he is. [Craig leafs through some wood scraps, and
Tweek approaches a belt sander on the floor]
|
| Stan: |
No he's not dude. Craig is a wuss.
|
| Cartman: |
Dude, if Craig and Tweek got in a fight, Craig would
kick Tweek's ass.
|
| Kyle: |
Do you wanna bet?
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah, I'll bet.
|
| Stan: |
How much?
|
| Cartman: |
Five bucks.
|
| Stan: |
You're on!
|
| Tweek: |
[revs up a belt sander.] Arrh! [jumps. Stan and Kyle
walk to him]
|
| Stan: |
Hey Tweek.
|
| Tweek: |
[jumps] Gaarhrhrh!
|
| Stan: |
Dude. Craig chooses you. He wants to fight.
|
| Tweek: |
[drops the sander] He does?
|
| Stan: |
Yeah. He's all pissed off at you. So, will you fight?
|
| Tweek: |
Why?
|
| Kyle: |
Dude, because! You have to stand up for yourself! So
will you fight him? [Craig is still leafing through the scraps]
|
| Tweek: |
[jumps] Rrrrh! He doesn't look like he wants to fight
me.
|
| Cartman: |
Craig, could I talk to you real quick? [Craig flips him
off, and Cartman puts his palms up to calm him]
Er, just a second, please, Craig. Craig, I'm not normally one to get
involved in this kind of thing but, well, I was just standing over by
Tweek, and, he called you a big poop-eater.
|
| Craig: |
He did?
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah. He said you eat poop, and that it makes your
breath smell like poop, and that, eh, well, you like it.
|
| Craig: |
Why would he say that?
|
| Cartman: |
I don't Craig, I don't know. But now he's over there
telling everybody that you're a poop-eater and he chooses you.
|
| Craig: |
[now pissed] Well, I've gotta go over there and-
|
| Cartman: |
[blocks his way] No, no!
Craig, you you can't fight him here; Mr. Adler would just break it up.
Tell you what: I'll go tell him you accept his challenge, and set it up
for after school today.
|
| Craig: |
Okay. [flips Tweek off]
|
| Kyle: |
There. Did you see? He just flipped you off.
|
| Tweek: |
[twitches to one side] Rrrr! What a jerk! |
| Stan: |
He's really got it out for you, dude.
|
| Tweek: |
Why?! What did I do?!
|
| Kyle: |
So, do you agree to fight him after school?
|
| Tweek: |
I guess so.
|
| Stan: |
Super. See you there. [they walk away, pleased]
|
|
[Mr. Adler takes out
the woman's picture again and looks at it. He begins to daydream.
Memories of his fiancée come to him, and her voice echoes
every time
reminisces]
|
| Fiancée: |
[runs from him] Catch me, Richard. [she laughs even
after he catches her and she's on the grass] I'm so in love with you,
Richard. [next scene: she's in the kitchen holding a tray] I made you
some cookies, Richard. [sniffs them real good. Next, she's by the
fireplace with a little stocking] Merry Christmas, Richard. [laughing
on the yard outside] Oh, Richard. Say you'll hold me forever. [in
flight, trying to regain control] Aaaaaaa! [in a swimming pool, under
water] Richard!
|
|
[the school bell rings, and
he's back] Aaaarr! Uh. [opens a drawer to get some nicotine gum, and
chews some] Oh why? Why? [closes his eyes and continues chewing]
|
| Stan: |
Mr. Adler! Mr. Ad-ler!
|
| Mr. Adler: |
Huhuh Huh? Stop screwing around!
|
| Stan: |
The bell rang. Can we go?
|
| Mr. Adler: |
Well, uh, well, sure. Uh, class dismissed.
|
| Stan: |
Come on, you guys. [Kyle and Cartman follow him out]
|
|
[The school yard]
|
| Stan: |
This is gonna be so sweet, dude.
|
| Cartman: |
You guys are so wrong about Tweek. He's gonna get his
ass kicked.
|
| Kyle: |
We'll see!
|
| Cartman: |
Why don't we just raise our bet to ten dollars?!
|
| Stan: |
You're on, fatass! [Kenny shows up]
|
| Cartman: |
Well, well, well, look who's here! Our little home
economics friend, Kenny!
|
| Kenny: |
(Hey guys, what's going on with you?)
|
| Stan: |
How come you wanna take home ec., Kenny?
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. That's not cool, dude. [the girls walk by]
|
| Bebe: |
Bye, Kenny. See you tomorrow.
|
| Jordan: |
Bye, Kenny.
|
| Kenny: |
(Bye, ladies.) [the other boys arrive as the girls
leave]
|
| Clyde: |
Hey, what's going on?
|
| Kyle: |
Tweek and Craig are gonna fight.
|
| Clyde: |
Really? Cool. [the boys stand around waiting] It's
funny, 'cause Tweek and Craig both went home about fifteen minutes ago.
|
| Kyle: |
What?
|
| Token: |
Yeah, they left.
|
| Stan: |
Aw, hell!
|
| Cartman: |
Those sons of bitches!
|
| Clyde: |
I guess they don't wanna fight.
|
| Kyle: |
Aw, they wanna fight! They just don't know it yet!
[walks off with Stan, Cartman, and Kenny]
|
|
[Stan and Kyle arrive at
Tweek's house. Stan rings the bell]
|
| Stan: |
Tweek?
|
| Kyle: |
[looks up to the second floor] Tweek?
|
| Tweek: |
[opens the center window] Herr. What do you guys want?
|
| Stan: |
How come you didn't show up for the fight, Tweek?!
|
| Tweek: |
Craig and I have no reason to fight each other.
|
| Kyle: |
Well, Craig showed up.
|
| Tweek: |
He did?
|
| Stan: |
Yeah. He was standing there waiting for
you, and he was all like, "Man, Tweek's a wuss," and we were all like,
"No he's not, Craig," and he was all like, "Yeah he is, he isn't
showing up. He's a big wuss, and he has crooked teeth!"
|
| Tweek: |
I don't have crooked teeth!
|
| Kyle: |
And then Craig was all like, "Tweek is
scared o'me. He's a big chicken." And he started doing an impersonation
of you being a chicken [Stan watches as Kyle demonstrates]; well,
everybody in the world saw it!
|
| Tweek: |
Everyone in the world?! Rrrr! [falls down behind the
window]
|
| Stan: |
Yeah, it was weak.
|
| Tweek: |
I'm not a chicken!
|
| Kyle: |
Well, everyone in the world thinks you are. See ya.
[turns to walk away]
|
| Tweek: |
[pops up] Wait! I'll fight!
|
| Stan: |
Tomorrow?
|
| Tweek: |
Okay.
|
|
[Cartman and Kenny arrive at
Craig's house. Cartman knocks and Craig answers.]
|
| Cartman: |
Craig, what the hell are you doing home?! You're
supposed to be out fighting Tweek!
|
| Craig: |
Red Racer's on.
|
| Cartman: |
Craig, you can watch Red Racer any day of the week!
|
| Craig: |
I do watch Red Racer every day of the week!
|
| Cartman: |
[aloof] Well, that's fine. I guess you don't care about
what Tweek said about your mom.
|
| Craig: |
Nnope. [shuts the door]
|
| Cartman: |
[hushed] Egh. God-damnit! [knocks again, and Craig
answers] Well, I guess you don't care about what Tweek said about your
guinea pig.
|
| Craig: |
What?! What did he say about Stripe?!
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, nothing, except that you stick it up your ass
before you go to bed.
|
| Craig: |
That son of a bitch, I'll kill him!
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah, I'd be pissed too, so maybe we should reschedule
the fight for tomorrow?
|
| Craig: |
After Red Racer.
|
| Cartman: |
[being graceous] After Red Racer, of course.
|
|
[The Tweek house, that night,
dinner. The Tweeks are at table]
|
| Richard: |
How was school today, son?
|
| Tweek: |
Errh!
|
| Richard: |
That's great.
|
| Tweek: |
Dahad, if some kid in school wants to fight me, what
should I do??
|
| Richard: |
Son, let me tell you a little story about when your
mother and I first met. [gets up and stands next to her. Peaceful music
plays] You see, a long time ago, there were a lot of guys who were
after your mother. She used to be very attractive.
|
| Mom: |
It's true. I was. [Tweek bobs as he listens]
|
| Richard: |
Well, when I started courting your
mother, there was this big muscular football player named Quib, who
didn't take too kindly to me. He wanted your mother all to himself. And
so, one day, he challenged me to a fight. [sits down, and both parent
resume eating. Tweek waits for the rest of the story]
|
| Tweek: |
[after a long lull] Well?
|
| Mom: |
Well what, honey?
|
| Tweek: |
Nrr. What happened?
|
| Richard: |
Oh'd. I, I don't know. He moved away or something.
|
| Mom: |
Yes, I think that's right.
|
| Tweek: |
Rrrrr! You guys never help me! [the parents look at
each other, and Tweek starts banging his head against the table] Your
stories never go anywhere! I hate it! I want out! I want out! [the
parents resume eating]
|
|
[Craig's house, dinner time.
Craig has a little sister]
|
| Craig: |
Dad, I'm supposed to get in a fight tomorrow.
|
| Dad: |
With who?
|
| Craig: |
Some kid.
|
| Dad: |
Oh.
|
| Mom: |
Don't just "Oh" him, Thomas!
|
| Craig: |
Yeah, don't just "Oh" me!
|
| Thomas |
I'll "Oh" whoever I want! [Mom
flips Thomas off, he flips back, the daughter flips them both off, and
Craig flips his dad off with the right hand, his sister off with the
left, and his mom with the right, up close]
|
|
[Mr. Adler's home. He and a
woman have just returned from a date]
|
| Mr. Adler: |
Well, that was fun, Pearl. See you later.
|
| Pearl: |
Richard, aren't you going to invite me in?
|
| Mr. Adler: |
Why?
|
| Pearl: |
Well, I thought maybe you would at least at-tempt to
make love to me tonight.
|
| Mr. Adler: |
Oh, well, uuh, I can't. I left the oven on.
|
| Pearl: |
Oh, Richard, why can't you open your heart to me? Why? |
| Mr. Adler: |
I just… I can't. Oh, I know. I have genital
warts. [he begins closing the door]
|
| Pearl: |
We'll use plastic wrap.
|
| Mr. Adler: |
Nope. Sorry. Maybe some other time. [shuts
the door on her face. He holds the door in place, then makes his way to
a picture of his deceased love, picks it up, and remembers…]
|
| Fiancée: |
[on a swing] Swing me Richard, swing me higher. I wanna
touch the sky, Richard. [now in a gazebo] Richard, I'm here! [waves him
over] Smile. [now opens a little box and sees a ring] Oh, Richard, it's
beautiful. Yes. Yes. [Now at a phone by a desk] But you have to come
see me fly tomorrow, Richard. I have a surprise for you. [next day,
next to a plane] Don't worry, Richard. I'll pilot! It's what I do! [in
flight, trying to regain control] Aaaaaaa! [in a swimming pool, under
water] Richard! [now rising from an open coffin] Richard.
|
| Mr. Adler: |
[returns] Haaarrr! [opens a small drawer in the side
table, gets some nicotine gum, and starts chewing, then mumbles] Aw,
God, what am I gonna do? [resumes chewing]
|
|
[South Park Elementary,
the cafeteria, next day, recess. From left to right on a table are
seated Stan, Tweek, Kyle, Cartman, Craig, and Kenny. Much of the class
is assembled before them. A large sign saying "Tweek VS. Craig" hangs
above them from the ceiling]
|
| Stan: |
Okay, so, just to set the record
straight here, the fight will be happening out by the tetherball pole
at 3:30. Tweek just weighed in at 48 pounds, Craig at 45.
|
| Clyde: |
Uh, how long do you expect the fight to last?
|
| Craig |
I uh…
|
| Cartman: |
[covers Craig's mouth] However long Craig wants it to
last. [the kids laugh] T'heh, ub. Look, make no mistake. Craig has been
ready for this fight since day one. He doesn't even view it as a
challenge.
|
| Kyle: |
He'll view it as a challenge when he's getting his ass
kicked!
|
| Cartman: |
Hup. Did you hear that? It sound like some diarrhea
coming out of someone's mouth or something.
|
| Kyle: |
Shut up, fatass!!
|
| Cartman: |
Don't call me fat, you son of a bitch! [jumps on him,
and they start fighting. Kenny and Stan soon join in, leaving Tweek and
Craig looking at them]
|
| Clyde: |
Wow. Tweek and Craig really hate each other, huh? This
should be a good fight.
|
|
[Home Economics, after recess.]
|
| Pearl: |
[stands by a chart equating shoes with money] On your
first date, look at the man's shoes. Sometimes you can tell how much
money a man has just by his shoes. [Kenny and the girls take notes.
Pearl then stands by the chalkboard listing the number of credit cards
from 1 to 4]
When he takes you out to dinner, try to sneak a peek at his wallet
while he pays for you. If he only has one credit card, BEWARE. [crosses
1 out]
It means he doesn't spend a lot, and worse yet, it could be a debit
card. If he has more than four credit cards, that's a little fishy.
[crosses 4 out] The perfect number of credit cards for a man to have
is… two. [circles it. Bebe raises her hand]
|
| Bebe: |
What if we meet a guy who wants to be a doctor or a
lawyer, but is still getting his degree?
|
| Pearl: |
Dump that zero and get yourself a
hero! He could be earning that degree all his life while you starve to
death with two dying babies sucking at your teats. [the girls and Kenny
just look at her]
|
|
[Shop class. The boys
are busy on various projects. Cartman stands on a stool operating a
drill press as Stan and Kyle stand on the floor.]
|
| Cartman: |
When I have you guys' ten bucks, I'm gonna use it to
buy the sweetest big-screen TV in the whole world.
|
| Kyle: |
That's more than ten bucks, you stupid fatass!
|
| Cartman: |
Well, if I get ten buck from each of you, that's like
$2000
|
| Mr. Adler: |
Hey, quit screwing around back there! You're horsing!
[He now hears a voice calling to him, from the drawers in his
desk…]
|
| Fiancée: |
Ri-chard! [he whistles] Ri-chard! [he remembers
mumbling something in return, and pulls out her picture. He dreams: she
is back on the swing] Swing me Richard, swing me higher!
[now in a gazebo] Richard, I'm here! [waves him over. Cut to her
opening a little box] Oh, Richard, it's beautiful. Yes. Yes. [Now at a
phone by a desk] But you have to come see me fly tomorrow, Richard. I
have a surprise for you. [next day, next to a plane] Don't worry,
Richard. I'll pilot! [in the cockpit, she calls out] It's all for you!
[an alarm sounds, and the gas tank explodes behind her] Aaaaaaa! [she
tries to land the plane right, but it falls into a swimming pool. She's
thrown clear, into the water] Richard!
|
| Clyde: |
Mr. Adler. Mr. Adler! |
| Mr. Adler: |
[returns] Huh? Uh, what?
|
| Clyde: |
Tommy stuck his face in the belt sander [Tommy comes
and stands beside Clyde. There are no features on his face.]
|
| Mr. Adler: |
The belt sander? Tommy?? I told you not to screw around
with the belt sander, didn't I? [Clyde looks at Tommy for a reaction,
but…] Well go on. Go see the nurse; she'll give you some
peroxide. [Tommy walks away in the wrong direction]
|
| Clyde: |
[noticing the picture and points] What's that?
|
| Mr. Adler: |
Huh? Oh, this is a woman I knew a long time ago.
|
| Clyde: |
What? She die or something?
|
| Mr. Adler: |
What? Hey! Go on! [upset, he puts the picture away]
You're screwing around in here! [Clyde hurries away]
|
|
[After school. The kids climb
over a hill to reach the tetherball pole. Stan, Kyle, and Tweek lead
the way]
|
| Clyde: |
Oh boy! Here we go!
|
| Wendy: |
[joins the group] What's happening?
|
| Kyle: |
Tweek's gonna fight Craig!
|
| Wendy: |
Oh cool!
|
| Stan: |
Stay pissed, Tweek. Stay pissed. [the two groups meet]
All right. Here we go.
|
| Kyle: |
Time for you to get proven wrong, fat boy
|
| Cartman: |
You're gonna be eating those words, asshole.
|
| Kyle: |
No I won't, because you'd eat 'em first, tubby. [Craig
and Tweek look at each other, but nothing happens] |
| Stan: |
Well?
|
| Cartman: |
Come on!
|
| Wendy: |
Yeah, if you're gonna do it, do it!
|
| Craig: |
[turns to the crowd] What do we do?
|
| Stan: |
Huh?
|
| Cartman: |
What do you mean, what do you do? You just fight each
other.
|
| Tweek: |
How?
|
| Kyle: |
How??
|
| Craig: |
I've never been in a fight before.
|
| Tweek: |
Me neither.
|
| Crowd: |
[let down] Awwww.
|
| Stan: |
[in disgust] Aw, dude, come on!!
|
| Cartman: |
You just hit each other, smack each other around.
[Tweek slaps Craig, and Craig slaps Tweek. No effect]
|
| Kyle: |
[sighs] Not like that!
|
| Tweek: |
Like what, then?
|
| Stan: |
[approaches the fighters] All right, all right, screw
it! We have to postpone the fight 'til Tweek and Craig can learn how to
fight.
|
| Crowd: |
Awww. [disperses]
|
| Clyde: |
[to Wendy] All that build-up for nothing.
|
| Wendy: |
Yeah. Christ, I could have been home by now!
|
| Stan: |
All right. Tweek, we'll teach you how to fight, and
Cartman, you teach Craig.
|
| Cartman: |
I don't think that's very fair: if I teach Craig, he's
gonna really kill Tweek.
|
| Stan: |
Oh yeah? Well, I'm gonna have my uncle Jimbo teach
Tweek how to box!
|
| Cartman: |
[faking fear] Ooooo! Boxing's scary, you guys! [serious]
I'm gonna have Craig learn martial arts!
|
| Stan: |
Fine! We'll see you back here tomorrow!
|
| Cartman: |
Fine! [the parties part ways]
|
| Kyle: |
Fine!
|
| Cartman: |
Fine, that's fine!
|
|
[Big's Gym, later. This
is where Stan and Kyle took Jesus to learn to box. Chef knocked him out
with one blow. On this occasion, Stan and Kyle bring Tweek. Jimbo is
the coach, Ned the sparring partner. All are in the ring]
|
| Jimbo: |
Alrighty. Tweek, my little nephew Stanley has asked me
to teach you the fine points of boxing.
|
| Tweek: |
Rrrrh!
|
| Jimbo: |
You're in luck! Ned here used to be the state champion
until a grenade blew his arm off.
|
| Ned: |
Mmrr I can still kick ass.
|
| Jimbo: |
Now, Tweek, boxing is a Man sport.
There is nothing in the world more Man than boxing. It is Man at his
most Man. So when you spar with Ned here, just dig deep into that most
Man part of you.
|
| Tweek: |
Hwaaah! [Stan and Kyle look at each other and shrug]
|
| Jimbo: |
Well, enough of the lectures. let's get to boxing.
[rings the bell, and Ned sends Tweek to the ropes with one punch]
|
| Tweek: |
Uugh!
|
| Ned: |
Mmm whatcha got, bee-ahtch? [Tweek gets up]
|
| Jimbo: |
Keep your guard up, Tweek! [Tweek doez so. Ned punches
him twice more, and Tweek falls]
|
| Tweek: |
Ow!
|
| Stan: |
Damnit!
|
| Kyle: |
Come on, Tweek! He's only got one arm!
|
| Jimbo: |
All right, looks like we'll have to apply the
Oppenheimer technique with Tweek here. [Tweek gets up]
|
| Ned: |
[prancing] Gmmmmm, whatcha got, bee-ahtch?
|
| Jimbo: |
Punch him in the balls, Tweek!! [Tweek lunges at Ned
and lands the punch]
|
| Ned: |
AAAAaaaarrgh.
|
| Jimbo: |
Atta boy! Now quick, get him again while he's down!
[Tweek lands a barrage of punches, and Ned groans after each punch]
|
| Ned: |
Ow.
|
| Jimbo: |
Good! Now kick his balls! [Tweek does so several times,
and Ned groans] There, see? You've got him coughing up blood.
|
| Stan, Kyle: |
Hooray!
|
| Tweek: |
Rrrr!
|
| Jimbo: |
Now THAT'S BOXING!
|
|
[The Nishimura School of
Matial Arts]
|
| Master: |
Your friend hasa brought you to learn the ancient art
ofa sumo. You must learna discipline anda respect. [Craig flips him off]
In sumo, your body must be rike a stone, and your mind rike a meatroaf.
|
| Craig: |
Meatloaf?
|
| Master: |
The object is simpry to push opponent out of circle. Is
opponent ready?
|
| Cartman: |
I'm ready! [comes out, speaks softly] Hey, I like this
hair thing. This is cool. [stops to pull some salt out of a kettle and
pats his hands together]
|
| Master: |
Let us begin. [Cartman plants his feet] Ready? And,
th-ree.
|
| Cartman: |
Respect my authoritah! [he and Craig engage in pushing
each other]
|
| Master: |
Body rike a stone! Mind rike a meatroaf!
|
| Cartman: |
[turns around to back Craig out of the ring] Dude. Come
on, now. Come on.
|
| Craig: |
Oh, Jesus! I can't take it! Stop!
|
| Master: |
Fight back! Resist the ass!
|
| Craig: |
How can I resist an ass so great?
|
| Master: |
It is only an ass. You must overcome the ass with your
mind.
|
| Craig: |
This ass is umlike any I've encountered, Master.
[Cartman bumps him off the ring, he hits a wall, and he's out]
|
| Cartman: |
I win!
|
| Master: |
There is indeed great power in your ass, Eric. Perhaps
you should consider sumo as your profession.
|
| Cartman: |
Hey, may be. [plants his feet again]
|
|
[Mr. Adler's house, night.
He's asleep, and a bad dream begins]
|
| Mr. Adler: |
[twisting and turning] No. No. Make it stop. |
| Fiancée: |
[laughing on the yard outside] Oh, Richard. Say you'll
hold me forever. [Now at a phone by a desk] But you have to come see me
fly tomorrow, Richard. I have a surprise for you. [next day, next to a
plane] Don't worry, Richard. I'll pilot! [in the cockpit during flight]
Watch me, Richard! [waves
to him as shw writes "I love U Richard." As she gets to the latt
letters, she loses control and the alarm comes on. Her gas tank
explodes and she screams. She manages to write A's on her way down to a
crash in the pool. She sinks and calls out] Richard!
|
| Mr. Adler: |
Baaaaa! [looks around and then sobs] I never got to say
good-bye. I never got to say good-bye! [reaches for some nicotine gum,
only to find the box empty] Oh no! Oh NO! NOW what do I do?! [begins
bawling]
|
|
[South Park Elementary, next
day. Home Ec.]
|
| Pearl: |
Okay, that was very good, class. Now let's try this one
together. [holds up a board saying] Honey, can I get a new wardrobe?
|
| Class: |
[including Kenny] Honey, can I get a new wardrobe?
|
| Pearl: |
All right, now let's try this one together. [holds up a
board saying] Lisa Smith's husbamd just bought HER a new car....
|
| Class: |
[including Kenny] Lisa Smith's husbamd just bought HER
a new car....
|
| Pearl: |
Good. Bebe, why don't you try this one. [holds up a
board saying] I think a trip to Hawaii would really improve our sex
life.
|
| Bebe: |
I think a trip to Hawaii would really improve our sex
life.
|
| Pearl: |
Outstanding! Now, Kenny, how about you try? [holds up a
board saying] I can't make love to you until we get a king-size bed.
|
| Kenny: |
(I can't make love to you until we get a king-size
bed.)
|
| Pearl: |
[looks at him in dismay] O-kay. Kenny, could I talk to
you over here real quick? |
| Kenny: |
(Sure you can.) [gets up and goes to her desk]
|
| Pearl: |
Kenny, I don't know quite how to tell you this,
but… I'm not sure home economics is right for you. |
| Kenny: |
(Why?)
|
| Pearl: |
Well, your cooking is unsatisfactory,
your sewing skills are below average, and, frankly, I don't think the
odds of you marrying a nice rich man in the future are very, well,
good.
|
| Kenny: |
(You don't?)
|
| Pearl: |
No. I think you should consider transfering to shop
class.
|
| Kenny: |
(Shop class?) [images of threatening tools tools fill
his head: a drill, a torch, a belt sander, a table saw] (No, I won't!)
|
| Pearl: |
Now, now. Very few students are severely innured in a
shop class. |
| Kenny: |
(I don't wanna take shop class!) [draws his hood tight,
and the bell rings]
|
| Bebe: |
Come on! It's time for the fight!
|
| Wendy: |
Yeah! [the girls begin to file out of class]
|
| Pearl: |
Fight? Oh no no no, girls! Haven't I taught you anything?
|
|
[The playground, after
school. The kids head for the tetherball pole. The fighters are
present: Tweek wearing a boxing robe with hood, Craig in sumo gear]
|
| Stan: |
Okay, the time has finally come. [the other kids close
in]
|
| Clyde: |
[holding a box of] Programs, get your programs here.
Programs.
|
| Kyle: |
Remember, Tweek: punch hard, punch low.
|
| Tweek: |
Hrrr.
|
| Kyle: |
This is when you gotta get mean, Tweek
|
| Tweek: |
Rrrr, mean, rrrr.
|
| Cartman: |
The spirit of the dragon is in your hands. Hurshar
kashurshar. Hurlong churshar. All right?
|
| Craig: |
Okay.
|
| Cartman: |
Now, LISTEN to me! Hurlong kashurshar! All right?! And
seriously: Hurlong kepur shung kwong!
|
| Craig: |
Okay, okay!
|
|
[Tweek is ready first, then
Craig gets ready]
|
| Tweek: |
Rrrr! [Craig adjusts his own head] Hr. [Craig flips him
off]
|
| Stan: |
You ready Tweek? You ready Craig? Let's get in on!
|
| Craig: |
Respect my authority.
|
|
[Tweek lands some punches and
Craig tries to throw Tweek off suno-style. They go back and forth this
way for a while]
|
| Stan, Kyle: |
Come on, Tweek!
|
| Cartman: |
Come on, Craig!
|
|
[The shop room. Mr. Adler is
alone and starts to write]
"To whom it may concern:
I can no longer live
without her. I couldn't
say goodbye to her, and so
now I must say goodbye
to all of you, for I am all
out of nicotine gum.
Sincerely yours,
Richard Adler
Shop Class
P.S.
Don't screw around.
You all screw around too much"
[he leaves the desk and goes to the table saw, turns on the switch,
lies on the table feet first, and is pulled towards the blade]
|
| Mr. Adler: |
Good-bye, cruel world. [sits up] Jesus Christ! What was
I thinking?! That would have hurt like hell!
|
|
[the playground. Craig
and Tweek tumble towards the school, neither giving in. The other kids
follow them to a clearing outside a bungalow, where Caraig and Tweek
resume trading punches]
|
| Stan: |
Ye-hah!
|
| Cartman: |
Come on, Craig! Time to kick his ass! [the fighters,
now tired and panting, butt heads]
|
| Kyle: |
Go, Tweek. Kick his ass! Get him!
|
| Cartman: |
Come on, Craig!
|
| Stan: |
Come on, Tweek! You got him!
|
| Kyle: |
Get him! [the fighters just pant, stuck to each other]
Whoa, Tweek! Did you hear that?
|
| Tweek: |
What?
|
| Kyle: |
Craig just called you a boner!
|
| Tweek: |
Rrrr! [punches Craig]
|
| Kyle: |
[to Stan:] He'll just have to keep throwing jabs to win
the fight.
|
| Stan: |
Yeah.
|
|
[Shop class. Mr. Adler draws
closer to the saw blade and sighs. Kenny comes in and hands him Pearl's
note.]
|
| Kenny: |
(Hi, Mr. Adler.)
|
| Mr. Adler: |
What? Who are you?
[takes the note and reads:
Kenny McCormick
has been transferred
from home ec
to shop class]
Well, all right. Get some safety goggles and start gettin' acquainted
with the jigsaw over there. [hands him back the note and Kenny goes to
the jigsaw] Hrh.
|
|
[Outside the bungalow
Craig and Tweek continue fighting. They lock up and tumble into the
slide, tearing it down. They end up under the debris]
|
| Tweek: |
[gets up] Huh? [Craig pops up and tackles Tweek. The
other kids, fearing the fight over, cheer again.]
|
|
[Shop Class. Kenny
starts cutting wood on the jigsaw, but looks at Mr. Adler going to his
death. Craig and Tweek crash through the shop class window and continue
fighting]
|
| Mr. Adler: |
[sits up] What the-? [the door opens and the other kids
pour in]
|
| Stan: |
Here they are.
|
| Mr. Adler: |
[stands and walks towards the kids] Hey! What's going
on?
|
| Stan: |
Tweek and Craig are fighting. We're just watching.
[trading punches]
|
| Mr. Adler: |
Well, why the hell don't you stop them?
|
| Cartman: |
'Cause we have ten bucks riding on it.
|
| Mr. Adler: |
Don't screw aROUND!
[Craig and Tweek tumble towards Kenny]
|
| Kenny: |
(Hey!) [They knock the stool out under him. He hangs on
to the jigsaw table] (Hey!)
|
| Mr. Adler: |
Stop screwin' aROUND!!
[Tweek
slams Craig into a second jigsaw and both tumble into a tool cart,
which falls onto the second jigsaw, which tumbles onto the one Kenny is
on.]
|
| Kenny: |
(Hey, God damnit!) |
| Mr. Adler: |
Eh. Hey, you're SCREWIN' AROUND TOO MUCH!! [Kenny
gets stuck in the blade and spins around. He's finally thrown clear and
ends up in a box of old nails. Some nails fly out of the box.]
|
| Kenny: |
(Ugh!)
|
| Stan: |
Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
|
| Kyle: |
You bastards!
|
| Mr. Adler: |
[goes to the box of nails and plucks Kenny out] Well,
don't just stand there, call an ambulance! [the boys just shrug] You
see? You see what happens when you screw around in shop class?
|
| Kenny: |
(I understand, dude.)
|
| Mr. Adler: |
What? What's that, son?
|
| Fiancée: |
[through Kenny] Richard.
|
| Mr. Adler: |
AAaaagh! [settles down] No! No, please don't go. I need
you. I can't live without you. [Stan and Kyle look at each other, Stan
shrugs]
|
| Fiancée: |
[visible now, where Kenny's face was] Richard, you have
to move on. I want you to be happy.
|
| Mr. Adler: |
But I can't. I never got a chance to say good-bye.
|
| Fiancée: |
Then say it now, Richard.
|
| Mr. Adler: |
Good-bye?
|
| Fiancée: |
There. Now do you feel better?
|
| Mr. Adler: |
No.
|
| Fiancée: |
Of course you don't. Saying good-bye
doesn't mean anything. It's the time that we spent together that really
matters, not how we loved it.
|
| Mr. Adler: |
You… you're right. You're right. [The
fiancée leaves and an old woman takes her place. The
background is blue.]
|
| Woman: |
Richard, this is Grandma.
|
| Mr. Adler: |
Gram'ma? Hi, Gram!
|
| Gram'ma: |
You never said good-bye to me either. [she leaves and a
man enters]
|
| Man: |
Hey, Richard. Remember me?
|
| Mr. Adler: |
Uncle Corey! Wow, you're all alive again!
|
| Uncle Corey: |
[gleefully] No! We're dead! [leaves]
|
| Fiancée: |
[returns] I love you, Richard. See you soon.
|
| Mr. Adler: |
Thank you. Thank you for freeing me. I feel like now I
can move on. Baby, I feel so much better. I feel so alive. [holds Kenny
close] Thank you, baby. Thank you.
|
| Stan: |
Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
|
|
[Hell's Pass Hospital. The
kids enter. Stan approaches a nurse]
|
| Stan: |
Hi. We're here to visit our good friends, Tweek and
Craig.
|
| Nurse: |
Oh. Well, I suppose a quick visit is okay. Maybe you
kids can cheer them up. [leads the way. The kids follow and are let in.
Craig and Tweek are in adjacent beds recovering from their injuries.]
|
| Stan: |
Hey, you guys. How are you feeling?
|
| Tweek: |
Rrr!
|
| Craig: |
Ugh.
|
| Stan: |
Well, uh. We just came by because we have something to
tell you.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. See, we got you to fight just
'cause we wanted to see who was the toughest. We made up all that stuff
we said to get you guys mad at each other. [Craig flips them off]
|
| Cartman: |
Yes. You can flip us off, Craig. We deserve that. We
just came by to apologize. We feel so bad.
|
| Kyle: |
Boy, do we ever.
|
| Stan: |
So I guess we'll be gong now, and live with the
knowledge that… you're both kind of sissies. [the group
turns towards the door]
|
| Tweek, Craig: |
What?!
|
| Stan: |
[the group turns back to the beds] Well, I mean, that's
what was on the news.
|
| Craig: |
What was on the news?
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, you didn't see it? Oh. Tweek's family was on the
news saying what a wuss youare, Craig.
|
| Craig: |
Huh?
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. And then Craig's family came on and said Tweek
was the wuss, and then punched Tweek's mom in the hooters.
|
| Tweek: |
Uuh! You son of a bitch! [pounces on Craig, and the
fighting starts again, leaving the room a mess]
|
| Craig: |
I'm gonna kick you ass!
|
| Stan: |
Come on, Tweek! You got him!
|
| Cartman: |
Give him sucky, Craig, give him sucky! Hurlong
churshar!
|
|
[End of Tweek Vs. Craig] |
