|
[The boys are camping near
Stark's Pond. They've set up a campfire and are roasting marshmallows.
Cartman plays a harmonica]
|
| Cartman: |
You guys, listen to this song I just wrote. It's
called, "I Hate You Guys":
[plays four notes before each line]
I hate you guys.
You guys are assholes.
Specially Kenny.
[the other three glare at him] I hate him the most.
Okay now, let's try one all together:
I hate you guys. Come on, you guys know the words.
Specially Kenny.
|
| Kyle: |
This is sweet, being rugged outdoorsmen. ["Hey you
guys, sing the song!"] Facing the wilderness, not having to be home
until 8:30,… [Cartman gets up and walks away]
|
| Stan: |
Where are you going?
|
| Cartman: |
I'm going home for a minute. I have to go to the
bathroom.
|
| Kyle: |
Just go behind a tree.
|
| Cartman: |
I have to go number two.
|
| Stan: |
So? You can poo in the wilderness.
|
| Cartman: |
No way, dude! What would I wipe with?
|
| Kyle: |
Cartman, don't be such a baby! We're supposed to be
rugged outdoorsmen!
|
| Cartman: |
Well what do I sit on?
|
| Kyle: |
You just squat, stupid! [Cartman begins to lower his
pants…]
|
| Stan: |
Not here! Go further away!
|
| Cartman: |
[moves away] God, I'm glad you guys know all these
"pooping outside" rules! [he squats some distance away and begins]
Urgh. Come on, now.
|
| Kyle: |
Watch out for ground eels! [he, Stan and Kenny begin to
laugh]
|
| Cartman: |
Stop, you guys! I can't think!
|
| Kyle: |
What do you have to think about?
|
| Cartman: |
I have to think about… planes dropping
bombs, and dump trucks, and self-serve ice cream… [a dump is
heard] Oh, that did it.
|
| Stan: |
Sick, dude!
|
|
[In the lake, the water
becomes agitated, and a bubble comes up. Cartman pulls out his
harmonica and plays again]
|
| Cartman: |
Poopin' outside,
[a rear shot] Makin' self-serve ice cream
For my friends
Specially Kenny.
Hey, Kenny, Can I borrow one of your gloves? [a yellow
creature peeks out between the trees. It is the one looking at
Cartman's rear.]
|
| Kenny: |
(Here you go.) [begins to walk to Cartman, but realizes
what it's to be used for] (No way!) [goes back to roasting his
marshmallow]
|
| Cartman: |
[hears some rustling and zips up immediately] What the?
|
| Creature: |
[running through the trees] Oohma poota!
|
| Cartman: |
Oh my God! Come on, you guys, come look at this!
|
| Stan: |
[thinking of poo] We don't wanna look at it, Cartman!
|
| Cartman: |
[urging] You guys, get over here!
|
| Kyle: |
No way, dude!
|
| Cartman: |
I'm serious now! [the boys walk over to the spot] Look.
Over by those bushes.
|
| Kyle: |
What?
|
| Creature: |
Meesa scared!
|
| Stan: |
I see it!
|
| Cartman: |
Come on! Let's kill it! [the boys move forward]
|
| Kyle: |
[steps in the poo and looks at his shoe] Aw, Cartman!
You're supposed to bury it!
|
|
[Jimbo's lodge. This is where
Huntin' and Killin' is shot. Inside, Jimbo is watching TV and Ned, in a
short kimono, looks for something.]
|
| Announcer: |
Look at this sword. Only on House Shopping Network. It
has a dragon on the blade. [close-up of the samurai sword] It's got a
dragon painted right on the blade! You should buy the samurai sw-
|
| Jimbo: |
Ned, how the hell could you lose your voice box?! [Ned
tries to speak]
I can't hear you, Ned. You don't have a trachea. You smoked too much
and you had it removed. And then you drank too much and you lost your
god-damned voice box, Ned!
|
| Ned: |
[eructing] Shut… up… Jimbo.
|
| Jimbo: |
Aw, Ned, don't burp-talk. That just sicks me out.
|
| Stan: |
[outside] I saw it this way!
|
| Kyle: |
Over here!
|
| Cartman: |
[trying to keep up] Come on, you guys!
|
|
[the boys reach the lodge]
|
| Jimbo: |
[opens the door] What the hell's goin' on?!
|
| Stan: |
Uncle Jimbo, Cartman found a big animal creature and it
ran over that way!
|
| Jimbo: |
Hold on, I'll get my shotgun! Ned! Ned, come on! [goes
in, and reappears with his gun. Ned follows him out the door] Where did
it go?
|
| Kyle: |
It just ran by here a second ago. [rustling is heard]
|
| Jimbo: |
[cocks the shotgun] Sounds like it ran into the ostrich
trap! [all move slowly around a corner] Sshh. Now keep quiet. All
right. I'm gonna turn my flashlight on. It may get startled, so be
ready. [turns it on and flashes it into the trap]
|
| Creature: |
Ooba jaaga!
|
| Jimbo: |
Holy Crow! I've never seen anything like it!
|
| Creature: |
Meesa gonna die? Wooo-wowoop!
|
| Cartman: |
Heheh. Hey-heh, that thing's funny.
|
| Kyle: |
[annoyed] It's stupid
|
| Jimbo: |
Well, let's kill it.
|
| Cartman: |
[intervening] No! No. Don't.
|
| Jimbo: |
Huh?
|
| Cartman: |
I like it.
|
| Kyle: |
You don't like anything, Cartman! [the creature is
shaking from fright, and Cartman looks at it affectionately] |
| Jimbo: |
Well, all right. Ned, get the Mayor on the phone, tell
her that we… hoh yeah, he can't talk. All right, never mind,
I'll do it.
|
|
[South Park, the next day]
|
| Jimbo: |
Yeah, it was like wrestling a Lousiana alligator, this
thing. Put up one hell of a fight. [the crowd murmurs and the creature
just stares out of the cage. His view is that of a fish lens]
|
| Sheila: |
[walks up to it] Hello there. Who's the cute baby?
Who's the fuzzy, huh? Yes, that's a cutie. [three men with briefcases
walk up]
|
| Fed: |
Mayor, we're from the Department of Interior.
|
| Mayor: |
Ooh, yes. How are you?
|
| DOI 1: |
[the one with black hair] Fine, just fine.
|
| DOI 2: |
[the one with red hair] Fine, just fine.
|
| DOI 3: |
[the one with brown hair] Fine.
|
| Mayor: |
Right over here. [she shows them the creature and they
stare in awe]
|
| DOI 2: |
My God, McClanahan, do you believe it? [DOI 3 is just
stunned]
|
| Creature: |
Meesa needa Jakov. [raises its arms] Dwooooooo!
|
| DOI 1: |
Mm-it's amazing.
|
| Mayor: |
What?
|
| DOI 1: |
Mayor, this is a jakovasaur. A live one has never been
seen.
|
| Mayor: |
Oh, neato.
|
| DOI 2: |
Incredible. [turns to look at the Mayor] We know of
this creature only from remains frozen in snow.
|
| DOI 1: |
Do you realize what this means? We
could use its DNA and have a chance of bringing the entire jakovasaur
species back from extinction.
|
| Cartman: |
Wow! Cool!
|
| Ned: |
[eructing] Is… there…
re… ward… money? [the DOI agents look at him]
|
| Jimbo: |
Huh, cut it out, Ned! That's just disgusting!
|
| DOI 2: |
This one jakovasaur can mother an entire population of
the animals.
|
| Woman: |
Well, in that case, I think we should name
it… Hope.
|
| Woman 2: |
Hope.
|
| Man: |
Yes, Hope.
|
| "Hope": |
Meesa name Junjun.
|
| Stan: |
I think his name is Junjun.
|
| Mayor: |
Hope. Why, that's a perfectly beautiful name!
|
| DOI 1: |
Now we must find a safe place for it.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
I'll keep it at my house.
|
| Mayor: |
No, Garrison, you'll just try to have sex with it!
|
| Junjun: |
Uuh?!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
What?! How dare you say that?!
|
| Mayor: |
Garrison, you remember what happened to the wounded
pigeon you were supposed to take care of?!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Oh, come on! You all know that pigeon was a total slut.
|
| Rancher: |
Oh, I got a barn it can stay in. It ain't much, but
it's heated.
|
| DOI 1: |
Well, that sounds fine, just fine.
|
| DOI 3: |
Fine, just fine.
|
| DOI 2: |
Fine.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Now, wait a minute. I wanna
clear the air here. We all know that pigeon was a whore. Raise your
hand if you didn't sleep with that pigeon? [everyone around him raises
his or her hand] Oh, whatever!
|
|
[That night, something
myterious is happening at Stark's Pond. The water is agitated again,
and another jakovasaur rises out of the water. It sees a pup tent and
rushes to it. It finds a backpack next to it and searches it. The
following address shows up:
But Cartman is at home looking at the House Shopping Network on TV]
|
| Announcer: |
It's got a dragon painted on the blade. This is the
Sumatomi sword-
|
| Cartman: |
[wondering] Wow, a dragon right on the blade. Mom, can
I get a Sumatomi sword used by the ancient Tokugawa soldiers??
|
| Liane: |
[from somewhere else] I'll think about it, hon.
|
| Cartman: |
Sweet. [someone knocks on the front door] Mom,
somebody's at the door.
|
| Liane: |
Mommy's busy, boopie-kins.
|
| Cartman: |
Should I get it?
|
| Liane: |
[in bed, with torch and bong in hand] Go ahead,
snookums. It's probably one of your little friends.
|
| Cartman: |
Okay.
|
| Liane: |
[inhales, with a manly voice] Hmmm. [two men are in bed
with her. One of them is her congressman, O'Reilly]
|
|
[the knocking continues]
|
| Cartman: |
Okay, okay, hold your horses! God! [opens the door and
screams. An angry jakovasaur glares at him. Cartman backs into the
living room] Mom, it's another Stark's Pond creature!
|
| Liane: |
That's nice, muffin.
|
| Jakovasaur: |
Please help me. Whoa-oh-oh-oh. [falls on his face and
gets up] Please help me find Junjun. She has been gone since last
night, and I'm worried sick.
|
| Cartman: |
You mean the other jakovasaur?
|
| Jakovasaur: |
What means a jakovasaur?
|
| Cartman: |
You're a jakovasaur; that's what they call you.
|
| Jakovasaur: |
Oh. Cool beans.
|
| Cartman: |
But the other jakovasaur talked different.
|
| Jakovasaur: |
That's 'cause Junjun's a girl. Girls talk different.
|
| Cartman: |
I have to call my friends over; they're never gonna
believe it.
|
| Jakovasaur: |
Please take me to Junjun. We're the last of our kind.
There are only two of us left.
|
|
[Cartman's room. He's telling
his friends what he learned]
|
| Cartman: |
He's the last of his kind, you guys. There's only two
of them left. [the others stay silent, looking at him]
|
| Kyle: |
Did you smoke some of your mom's crack?
|
| Cartman: |
Will you stop with the whole "mom smoking crack"
thing?! It's a old joke!
|
| Jakovasaur: |
[hidden] Eric, do you have any more cookies? [Cartman
turns his head aside and grins]
|
| Stan: |
Who's that? One of your mom's boyfriends?
|
| Cartman: |
No, that was a jakovasaur. It's okay to come in. [the
closet door opens and the jakovasaur comes out]
|
| Stan: |
Wow
|
| Cartman: |
Jakov, I want you to meet my friends.
|
| Jakov: |
Huhello, guys. I love new friends. [trips and flies
across the room, then clears his head. A rattling noise is heard]
|
| Cartman: |
Hahahahaheh, isn't he funny?
|
| Stan: |
[put off] No, he's annoying.
|
| Kyle: |
What are we supposed to do with him?
|
| Cartman: |
We have to take him to that rancher's barn to see his
girlfriend.
|
| Stan: |
Why don't we just tell our parents?
|
| Cartman: |
No! Why don't you wanna to understand? We have to do
this ourselves.
|
|
[The rancher's barn, that same
night. The boys break into the barn with Jakov]
|
| Stan: |
[softly] Sshh! Be quit. We could get in big trouble for
being here.
|
| Jakov: |
[sees his mate and can't help it] Junjun!
|
| Stan: |
[softly, curtly] Sh! Keep quiet, stupid!
|
| Jakov: |
[ruhes up to her] Oh, Junjun, I'm so glad you're okay!
[she's sitting on some hay]
|
| Kyle: |
[softly, curtly] Dude, have you ever heard of
whispering?!
|
| Jakov: |
[turns around] I am whispering! [steps on a rake, whose
handle smacks him on the head] Yyeow!
|
| Cartman: |
[laughing] Haaahahahah. You're so funny, Jakov.
|
| Jakov: |
[soothing his head] I am?
|
| Stan: |
Okay, uh, Jakov, why don't you just take bunga here and
go back to Stark's Pond?
|
| Jakov: |
Oh, I don't know. This place is kinda nicer than
Stark's Pond. [the barn doors open to show the Mayor, the rancher, and
the DOI agents looking quite angry.]
|
| Junjun: |
Aw, we's in big doodoo now.
|
| Jakov: |
Uh oh.
|
|
[Jimbo's lodge, daytime. Ned
is on the phone]
|
| Operator: |
Hello, and welcome to Voice Box Express, your #1 source
for voice boxes. I'm Amanda. How may I help you?
|
| Ned: |
[eructing] Yes… Hello…,
um…, I… lost… my…
voice… box…
|
| Amanda: |
Excuse me?
|
| Ned: |
I… lost… my…
voice… box…
|
| Amanda: |
[after a long pause] Excuse me?
|
| Ned: |
[faster, after a pause] I… lost…
my… voice… box… [Jimbo enters the room
and Ned hangs up]
|
| Jimbo: |
Hey Ned, look what I bought you! A new voice box! [Ned
reaches for it, but Jimbo keeps it out of reach, teasing Ned] You want
it? You want it? Yeah! Do you? Yeah! You want it? All right, here you
go. [hands him the box] Well, try it out!
|
| Ned: |
[crisply] Mmm. Aw, Jimbo, I can't thank you enough for
the new voice box. Gmmm, now, what in the devil is this thing?
|
| Jimbo: |
Oh, no, I must have picked up the Irish model by
mistake.
|
| Ned: |
Mmm-aw, what a bloody pickle this is! Did you keep the
receipt, then?
|
| Man: |
[barges in] You guys come quick! I've only just heard!
|
| Jimbo: |
What? What is it?
|
| Man: |
They've found another one! They've found another
jakovasaur! [silence]
|
| Ned: |
Gmmm, blimey.
|
|
[South Park Square. The
Mayor stands on stage with the DOI agents and the two jakovasaurs as
the townsfolk filter in. The boys stand in front of the steps on the
left side of the stage]
|
| Mayor: |
[on the mic] Here with more on the status of the
jakovasaurs is Department of Interior guy.
|
| DOI 1: |
Thank you, Mayor. [takes over] The noble jakovasaur is
on the brink of extinction. And now, you, as a community, have a chance
to bring them back.
|
| Cartman: |
[reading his acceptance speech] "Thank you, Mayor, for
this distinctive honor…"
|
| Kyle: |
What are you doing, fatass?!
|
| Cartman: |
I'm preparing my speech for when
they call me up to congratulate on me on my discovery. "Thank you,
Mayor, for this distinctive honor…"
|
| DOI 1: |
…Hope and Jakov are the last of their
kind. But with the help of the Mayor, we have implemented a plan to
help them breed. We will give them a home and a fighting chance at
survival.
|
| Man: |
[amid much chatter] Yea for us!
|
| Jakov: |
Thank you!
|
| Mayor: |
And now, the little boy who first discovered the
jakovasaurs, Eric Cartman!
|
| Cartman: |
[walks to the podium and speaks] Thank you, Mayor, for
this honorable distinction. |
| Man 2: |
Well, that's about it. Let's go.
|
| Man 3: |
Yeah. [the crowd begins to disperse]
|
| Cartman: |
You know, there's really only two
seasons here in South Park: Winter, and July, heh heh heh. But, but um,
seriously, South Park has always been a place of discovery for
me… [finds himself all alone in the square] Ey, you sons of
bitches! Get back here! I'm having a god-damned distinctive honor!
|
|
[The jakovasaurs' new home.
Everyone involved in finding and caring for the jakovasaurs is there] |
| Jakov: |
Wow!! It's so pretty!
|
| DOI 1: |
Well, Jakov, we hope this new home "inspires" you and
Hope to uh, hm, you know… [the room falls silent]
|
| Jakov: |
What?
|
| DOI 2: |
Well, we'd love to see more jakovasaurs, so, maybe you
two should uuh…
|
| Jakov: |
What?
|
| DOI 3: |
Get to some business. [make a ring with the thumb and
index finger of one hand and sticks the other index finger through the
ring]
|
| Jakov: |
[scratches his head] What??
|
| Kyle: |
They want you to have sex, God-damnit!!
|
| Jakov: |
Ooohh.
|
| Mayor: |
[as the rest leave the house] We'll just leave you two
lovebirds alone.
|
| Jakov: |
Well, all right, then. [the Mayor closes the door]
|
|
[The jakovasaurs have
no idea what to do, so they don't do anything. Outside, the boys, the
agents, the Mayor, the rancher, and Jimbo wait for something to happen.
Sure enough, things are heard falling inside. Jakov is heard moaning
and yelling as he stumbles around. Junjun runs out of the house and
Jakov stands at the entrance]
|
| Junjun: |
Meesa just don't wanna!
|
| Jakov: |
[walking out] I don't know what to do!
|
| DOI 1: |
Jakov, to have sex, all you need to do is, well, you
know, put your… [sees there's nothing where something should
be] Hmmm. [stroke his chin] I guess we don't know exactly how
jakovasaurs mate.
|
| DOI 2: |
[holds his index finger up] There is…
another option.
|
|
[Mephesto's ranch. The
boys, the agents, and the Mayor are present with the jakovasaurs. Jakov
and Junjun are on the examination table.]
|
| Mephesto: |
I've managed to artificially inseminate Hope with your
semen.
|
| Jakov: |
I have seamen? Where's their boat? [imitates a fog horn]
Arrrrr-urrrrr! Arrrrr-urrrrr! [Cartman laughs]
|
| Mephesto: |
Yes, yes, that's… very funny, Jakov. [Jakov
stops] I… will need to examine Hope once more to see if the
process worked. [sticks a syringe into Junjun's arm and draws a blood
sample. Junjun reacts immediately as Mephesto goes to his microscope]
|
| Junjun: |
Oh-wwoooooop! Oh-wwoooooop!
|
| Jakov: |
[adds his reaction] Arrrrr-urrrrr! Arrrrr-urrrrr! |
| Stan: |
God-damn!
|
| Kyle: |
Shut up!!
|
| Mephesto: |
Yes! Yes, I think it worked! [Jakov and Junjun stop as
Mephesto turns to face the group] You are going to be parents!
|
| DOI 3: |
Yeah!
|
| DOI 2: |
We did it!
|
| Jakov: |
Now I can be like all the other guys in South Park!
|
| Stan: |
[to Kyle] Dude, do we really want another one of these
things hanging around?
|
|
[The Marsh house. A
football game is heard inside. Next, several men are behind or sitting
on the sofa. Seated are Randy, Gerald, and Stuart, and behind are Chef,
Mr. Mackey, and Mr. Garrison. Jakov is seated next to them on a folding
chair. Jakov will now know what it is to be one of the guys.]
|
| Commentator: |
…and Bubby Brister is having a great first
quarter! Let's see what trickery he uses here. Here's the snap, and
he's down-
|
| Jakov: |
Thanks for inviting me to watch the game, guys!
|
| Randy: |
No problem, Jakov.
|
| Commentator: |
To the 40-yard line!
|
| Men: |
Yea!
|
| Jakov: |
Go Niners! Ni-ners!
|
| Gerald: |
We're rooting for the Broncos here, Jakov!
|
| Jakov: |
Oooops!
|
| Commentator: |
…to Terrell Davis! He's at the 50, the 40,
the 30,… [the men are happy]
|
| Jakov: |
You guys know what? [they angrily snap their heads in
his directions] This one time, I was watching this rabbit, a a brown
rabbit-
|
| Commentator: |
He breaks another tackle, and the ball is loose!
|
| Jakov: |
You guys know what… happened? It touched
Junjum right in front of me.
|
| Randy: |
Hey Jakov. Uh, could you run down to the store and get
some more… pretzels?
|
| Jakov: |
Sure. You got money?
|
| Gerald: |
[hands him some bills] Here- here you go. And and don't
go to the store down the block. The one four miles away in Fairplay has
better pretzels.
|
| Jakov: |
[gets up] Cool beans. [trips over the plug, knocking
down the TV] Oopsie. I'll be right back. [closes the door]
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Jakovasaurs kinda piss me off, mkay.
|
| The others: |
Yyup.
|
|
[The house of the jakovasaurs.
The boys, the agents, Jimbo, Mephesto, the Mayor, and Sheila are all
present]
|
| DOI 1: |
Amazing! The gestation period was only four days.
|
| DOI 2: |
At that rate, we could repopulate the jakovasaurs in
just a few years.
|
| Junjun: |
Doe-wooop!
|
| DOI 1: |
Don't worry, Hope. Everything's gonna be fine, just
fine.
|
| DOI 3: |
Just fine.
|
| DOI 2: |
Fine.
|
| Kyle: |
Dude, I don't wanna watch this thing have a baby.
|
| Cartman: |
If Jakov and Hope don't have kids, their race will
become extinct.
|
| Kyle: |
Maybe their baby will be still-born, like Cartman was.
[he and Stan laugh]
|
| Cartman: |
Hey! I might have been still-born, but at least I got
better!
|
| DOI 2: |
Here we go.
|
| Junjun: |
Doe-woooop!
|
| Sheila: |
[gushing] Behold, the miracle of childbirth!
|
| Junjun: |
Dowoop! [her water breaks and lands on everyone]
|
| Kyle: |
Gross! |
| Junjun: |
Dowoop! [a baby jakovasaur is shot out and strikes the
wall. It whimpers as it drops]
|
| All: |
Hooray!
|
| DOI 3: |
This is the first step in bringing the species back
from the brink of extinction! [the baby jakovasaur gets up and moves
around, growling]
|
| Junjun: |
Dowoooop! Dowoop!
|
| DOI 2: |
Looks like there might be a second one.
|
| DOI 1: |
Wow! That would be a great start for them. [close-up of
the second baby flying out of the vagina]
|
| All: |
Hooray! [Junjun starts pumping babies out in all
directions. The adults crouch behind the sofa for cover]
|
| Mayor: |
She's a cannon! [seventeen babies end up in front of
the wall. The lead agent walks up to them]
|
| DOI 1: |
Well. Ap-parently, they breed in litters.
|
| Cartman: |
[picks up a baby and says sweetly] Aren't they cute,
you guys?
|
| Stan: |
[to Kyle] Huh-I'm not so sure this is a good thing.
|
| Junjun: |
Huh-owhoa-o-woop! [pumps out a second set of
jakovasaurs]
|
| DOI 1: |
Huh?! [getting out of the way] Whoa-o-whoa!
|
|
[South Park Elementary,
Garrison's class. Class is now in session.]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Ho-okay, children, we have some new students joining us
today. Let's all be warm and welcome them to our class. [the class is
full of jakovasaur children]
|
| Stan: |
Dude, it's crowded in here.
|
| Jakovasaur Boy: |
[sitting in front of Pip] I like school!
|
| Jakovasaur Girl: |
Bo-woop!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
O-kay, so, we're just gonna stick to our normal lesson
plan and start the day with history. [starts writing on the board] Now,
does anyone know why Chubby Checker left the Beatles in 1972? [a
jakovasaur kid in the front row raises his hand and waves it] Yes?
|
| Jakovasaur Boy: |
I don't know.
|
| Jakovasaur Girl: |
Bo-woop!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
O-kay, is there anyone who can answer the question?
|
| Jakovasaur Kid 1: |
[in front of Wendy] I can't.
|
| Jakovasaur Kid 2: |
Me neither.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[angrily] Damnit, you don't raise your hand if you
don't know!
|
| Jakovasaur Kid 2: |
Oh.
|
| Jakovasaur Kid 3: |
O-wowo-oop! O-woo-oop!
|
| Jakovasaur Kid 4: |
Ooo! Fight! Fight! [he and another jakovasaur start to
fight]
|
| Jakovasaur Kid 5: |
School, school! I like school! [the fighting escalates]
|
| Jakovasaurs: |
School, school! I like school!
School, school! I like school!
|
| Kyle: |
Dude, this sucks ass!
|
| Cartman: |
["School, school! I like school!"] I like going to
school now. Jakovasaurs are so cool. ["School, school! I like school!"]
|
| Mr. Hat: |
This is insane, Mr. Garrison. ["School, school! I like
school!"]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[looking defeated] It sure is, Mr. Hat. ["School,
school! I like-!"]
|
|
[The bar, that night. Many of
the town's adults are inside chatting away, including the Mayor]
|
| Mayor: |
Now, folks, I know we're all a little worried about the
jakovasaurs, and I want to hear you all out! |
| Mr. Garrison: |
Mayor, the little jakovasaurs are ruining my classroom.
I can't teach our kids anything!
|
| All: |
Yeah!
|
| Chef: |
And those jakovasaur eat three times as much as normal
children! I can't keep up!
|
| All: |
Yeah!
|
| Man: |
Totally!
|
| Trashman: |
And they're creating more trash than we can handle,
too!
|
| Man: |
Totally!
|
| All: |
Yeah!
|
| Man: |
Listen to her!
|
| Man 2: |
And what about little Laura, the Williams kid? If she
doesn't get that heart-valve operation, she could die. [no one
responds, so he supports himself] Yeah! Yeah, that's right!
|
| Mayor: |
All right, all right. It's obvious we have to do something,
but we can't just make them leave.
|
| Jimbo: |
We just encourage them to find someplace better.
|
| Mayor: |
But where? Jakovasaurs are big, loud, annoying, and
stupid. Where would they fit in?
|
|
[The house of the jakovasaurs,
next day. The Mayor and others are talking to Jakov and Junjun] |
| Jakov: |
Memphis?
|
| Mayor: |
Yes, Memphis. [shows him a brochure of the city] You
jakovasaurs would love it there.
|
| Jakov: |
I don't know. I like South Park a lot. What do you
think, honey?
|
| Junjun: |
G'ooh-woo-ooop!
|
| Jakov: |
Yeah.
|
| Mayor: |
But everyone in South Park wishes they could live in
Memphis. Right? [several people respond with "Yeah" and "Memphis"]
|
| Jakov: |
Okay, we'll move to Memphis!
|
| Some men: |
Yea!
|
| Others: |
Hooray! [the door opens, and the boys appear with Liane]
|
| Cartman: |
[cheerfully] Hey, Jakov, how's it going?
|
| Jakov: |
Great, Eric! We're moving.
|
| Cartman: |
[gasps] Moving?
|
| Jakov: |
Me, Jun and the family are heading to the Promised Land
of Memphis.
|
| Cartman: |
You… can't leave. You're my friend.
|
| Liane: |
Oh, Eric dear. It's what's best.
|
| Jimbo: |
Yeah. Let's get that luggage packed!
|
| Cartman: |
[softly] Jakov, please don't go. [music] You make
everything in South Park fun. [Jakov is touched] You brought life to
this whole town. It would suck without you.
|
| Jakov: |
It would?
|
| Cartman: |
Yes. These people, Jakov, these people need you. I need
you. Please, Jakov. Stay?
|
| Jakov: |
O-kay. I like South Park best of all. We're staying!
|
| Cartman: |
[exulting] Hoo-ray! Jakov is staying, you guys!
[everyone else is pissed at him] |
|
[Outside. Everyone leaves the
house disappointed]
|
| Mayor: |
Now what do we do?
|
| DOI 1: |
Don't worry, We've come up with a plan.
|
| Mayor: |
You have?
|
| DOI 1: |
Yes. We're leaving.
|
| All: |
What??
|
| DOI 1: |
We're getting the hell out of here and away from those
God-damned things.
|
| Mayor: |
You can't leave.
|
| Cartman: |
Yes. Who would take care of them?
|
| DOI 2: |
Little boy, we're making you an honorary Department of
Interior person. [gives him a DOI badge] So now, you are officially in
charge of South Park's fish and wildlife. You have authority over all
of them.
|
| Cartman: |
[a bit humbly] I have authoriteh?
|
| DOI 2: |
That's right. And people must respect it.
|
| Cartman: |
[fitting into the role] Well, that should be fine, just
fine. [the agents climb into their van]
|
| DOI 2: |
Fine, just fine.
|
| Cartman: |
Fine.
|
| Stan: |
Oh, no! Nothing's worse than Cartman with authoritah!
|
| DOI 2: |
Bye-bye, now. [closes the door, and the van speeds
away. Stan and Kyle just look at each other.]
|
|
[The Jakovasaurs' house, later
that week.]
|
| Announcer: |
And now back to… Jakovasaurs! on Comedy
Central. ["Jakovasaurs" appears on screen. Then, Junjun appears in the
living room with some of her children.]
|
| Jakov: |
[enters wearing a fedora and carrying a briefcase] Hi,
honey! I'm home! [trips over the welcome mat and crashes into the sofa.
Canned laughter is heard] Wooooo! [gets up, rubbing his head] Boy, it
was rough at work today. I've never seen so much coffee.
|
| Junjun: |
Booo-wooop?
|
| Jakov: |
No, in the boss's lap. [more laughter]
|
| Boy: |
Hello, dad.
|
| Jakov: |
Hello, son. How was your day?
|
| Boy: |
Oh, not so good. Something really strange happened.
|
| Jakov: |
What? You mean MTV played a video that wasn't Will
Smith? [more laughter]
|
| Boy: |
Noho, dad. A man in a blue suit and a bag came to the
door. He just left this li'l piece of paper with a stamp on it. [brings
out the letter]
|
| Jakov: |
That's called a mailman. He takes care of mail.
|
| Boy: |
Oh! He took care of mom, too. [more laughter]
|
| Jakov: |
You're a nut! Let me see that letter. [opens it and
reads the letter] It's from a game show. The Mayor has invited me to
compete. [the front door opens]
|
| Cartman: |
Hi, Jakov. [applause] What the hell is that? [laughter]
Who's laughing?
|
| Jakov: |
Eric! The Mayor has invited us to compete on a game
show in South Park! Big prizes, an all-expense paid vacation-
|
| Cartman: |
Wow, that's cool. I can help you get ready. [he and
Jakov start walking]
|
| Jakov: |
Woo, woo! [trips over one of his
kids and falls on his back. Cartman stops. Jakov gets up. He and
Cartman face the camera as laughter and applause are heard, and grin.]
|
|
[While Cartman visits Jakov,
the other boys are in the Mayor's office with several townsfolk. Liane
is there, too]
|
| Mayor: |
[anxious] Come onn, come on! [the phone rings and she
snatches the receiver] Hello!
|
| Jakov: |
Mayor? This is Jakov. I'm the tall fellow down the
block from-
|
| Mayor: |
Yes. Yes, Jakov. You're calling about the game show.
Congratulations! Will you do it?!
|
| Jakov: |
Sure! If a free trip is involved, can my whole family
go?
|
| Mayor: |
[rushing] Of course! That's the point! Just be ready
this afternoon at the public access building, and good luck! Hope you
win!! [thrusts the receiver to arm's length]
|
| Jakov: |
Cool beans!! [the Mayor hangs up]
|
| Mayor: |
We've got 'em! All right. The boys
here will keep little Eric Cartman distracted. Meanwhile, we get rid of
the jakovasaurs and bring some normalcy back to this town! Ready?
|
| All: |
Break!
|
|
[South Park Public
Access. The Mayor is hosting her own game show this afternoon. To her
right is Jakov, to her left Officer Barbrady. Jakovasaurs cheer in the
first two rows in the studio audience. Jimbo approaches Ned]
|
| Jimbo: |
Hey, Ned! A package came for you today from Voice Box
Express.
|
| Ned: |
[eructing] Oh… boy…,
oh… boy.
|
| Mayor: |
[whispering in Barbrady's ear] Now remember, Barbrady,
all you have to do is lose!
|
| Barbrady: |
Right. |
| Mayor: |
[goes back to her mark] Okay. Let's quiet down, people
and jakovasaurs! [turns on the mic]
Now, as you know, the winner of this little game will get an
all-expense paid trip for himself and fifty of his closest relatives to
lovely France! [the jakovasaurs hoot and holler] And, all one of you
lucky constetants has to do is answer only one of these questions! Are
you ready, players?
|
| Barbrady: |
Ready.
|
| Jakov: |
Ready.
|
| Mayor: |
Okay. Hands on your buzzers.
|
| Jakov: |
[bzt] Forty-seven! [his kids cheer wildly]
|
| Mayor: |
[correcting Jakov] You have to wait until I ask the
question first.
|
| Jakov: |
Sor-ry!
|
| Mayor: |
That's okay. Hands on buzzers.
|
| Jakov: |
[bzt] Turkey sandwich!
|
| Barbrady: |
Damn, he's quick!
|
| Jakov: |
[bzt] Oh. Sor-ry! [bzt]
|
| Barbrady: |
No, I'm sorry. [bzzzt]
|
| Jakov: |
[Bzzzzzzzzt] No, it's my fault. I'm sorry.
|
| Barbrady: |
[Bzzzzzzzzt] No, it's all me. Uh, my bad.
|
| Jakov: |
Sorry.
|
| Barbrady: |
Sorry. [both buzzers stay on]
|
| Mayor: |
Will somebody please unplug the God-damned buzzers?!
[the buzzers stop]
|
| Stagehand: |
[off camera] Got it!
|
| Mayor: |
Now, can we get on with this? First question: What
color is blue? [drumroll]
|
| Barbrady: |
Blue? [ping. Barbrady gets the first point]
|
| Mayor: |
What?
|
| Barbrady: |
Uh. Blue is blue?
|
| Jakov: |
Awww, did I lose?
|
| Mayor: |
What? Blue is-? Nono. Hang on. [whispers to Barbrady]
You're supposed to lose, you idiot!
|
| Barbrady: |
Where am I?
|
| Mayor: |
Just don't answer any more questions, got it?
|
| Barbrady: |
Okie-dokie.
|
| Mayor: |
Sorry, folks, a little mix-up. We're playing best out
of three!
|
|
[The woods. Stan and Kyle lead
Cartman along. Cartman is in uniform.]
|
| Cartman: |
What are we doing out here, you guys? I wanna see if
Jakov wins that game show.
|
| Stan: |
Oh, he'll win. Don't worry.
|
| Kyle: |
We just have to show you this new
species because you're the Department of Interior guy now. Soon,
they'll all be eaten by bears.
|
| Cartman: |
Oh. Let me get out my notepad so I can classify this
new species. [brings it out] Well, this should be fine, just fine. Just
fine, fine.
|
| Kyle: |
[pointing] There it is! [a shot of Kenny wearing twigs]
That must be of the antelope family.
|
| Cartman: |
[after some study] That's Kenny with branches on his
head. [looks again] Why did you bring me all the out here, you guys?
|
| Stan: |
[huffs] Cartman, jakovasaurs are making South Park
suck. You have to understand that.
|
| Cartman: |
Well, what does that have to do with me being all the
way out…? Wait a minute. You're distracting me! That game
show is a fix! [drops his notepad and rushes back to town]
|
| Kyle: |
Cartman! Wait!
|
| Kenny: |
(Hey you guys, wait up for me!) [a black bear rushes
down the hill, growling] (Waaah!) [the bear mauls him and tumbles away]
|
|
[South Park Public Access. The
game show continues. Barbrady is ahead 7-0]
|
| Mayor: |
What's two plus two, Jakov?
|
| Jakov: |
I don't know!
|
| Barbrady: |
Four? [ping. 8-0]
|
| Mayor: |
Jakov, what is your name? [drumroll. The studio
audience looks at him quite annoyed]
|
| Barbrady: |
Jakov [ping. 9-0]
|
| Mayor: |
Oh, screw it. Jakov wins! [raises his hand in victory]
|
| Jakov: |
I do? [his kids rejoice]
|
| Mayor: |
You and your entire family are going to wonderful and
exotic France!
|
| Jakov: |
Hooray!
|
| Mayor: |
All right, everybody. Let's get them to the airport!
[members of the studio audience start carrying out little jakovasaurs]
Let's go, people! There's no time to lose! [two people carry Jakov out]
|
|
[South Park Airport. The
jakovasaurs are being whisked into the plane as quickly as possible]
|
| Jakov: |
[looking at Randy and Gerald] But what about our
clothes? Shouldn't we pack first?
|
| Randy: |
Jakovasaurs don't wear clothes, Jakov.
|
| Jakov: |
Oh yeah. Well, good-bye everybody! We'll send stuff
from France!
|
| Crowd: |
Good-bye!
|
| Jakov: |
[almost trips as he turns to enter the plane] Werrr.
[the crowd laughs weakly]
|
| Cartman: |
[arriving and running up the stairs] Jakov!
|
| Jimbo: |
Close the door! [an attendant closes the door on
Cartman's face]
|
| Cartman: |
[pounding] Open this door!
|
| Liane: |
Eric, this is for the best.
|
| Cartman: |
[facing the crowd angrily] I am Department of Interior
guy, and I have authoritah! [the plane backs into the runway, then
moves forward. Cartman rushes down the steps and runs alongside the
plane] No! Jakov, don't go!
|
| Jakov: |
[from his window] Hi, Eric! Okay, bye, then! [the plane
takes off. Cartman can only watch as the plane disappears in the
horizon]
|
| Cartman: |
[resigned] Well… Fine. [the crowd begins to
surround him.]
|
| Liane: |
[reaching out] Eric, it's important for you to
understand-.
|
| Cartman: |
Don't, mother! Just, don't.
|
| Mayor: |
[on one knee] I know it's hard,
Eric, but I've learned something today. You see, animal species come
and go. It's all a part of natural evolution.
|
| Jimbo: |
The jakovasaurs would have gone extinct if we hadn't
interfered. Because their particular form of life simply wasn't
practical.
|
| Ned: |
[with a much better voice box] We can't go around
saving every form of life, any more than we can kill them all. We have
to let nature run its course. [silence]
|
| Jimbo: |
Mhmm Ned, that voice box sucks!
|
| Ned: |
I know. I'm still trying to find my old one.
|
| Mayor: |
Well, then. What say we all go get some ice cream!
|
| Crowd: |
Hooray!
|
| Cartman: |
No. That's okay. I'll see you guys. [slowly walks away]
|
| Kyle: |
Dude! I've never seen Cartman care so much about
something.
|
| Stan: |
Yeah. I guess he finally found something that's as
annoying as he is.
|
|
[The Café
Grenouille in Paris, France. The Eiffel Tower in in the background. An
accordionist plays]
|
| Waiter: |
Bonjour.
|
| Woman: |
[blonde wearing stylish shades] Bonjour.
|
| Waiter: |
Café?
|
| Woman: |
Oui. [a bus pulls up and drops off passengers, then
pulls away]
|
| Jakov: |
[with his family] Come on, kids! Let's go find some
pyramids! [crashes into a table and ends up in its umbrella on the
ground] Woops! Aaaah! [The accordionist stops and everyone stares at
Jakov. Then they start laughing]
|
| Man: |
[one of two in suits] C'est drôle et amusant
(That was SO FUNNY!!) [chuckles]
|
| Accordionist: |
(I love its antics!!!)
|
| Blonde: |
Il est si comme Jerry Lewis!!! (He's just like Jerry
Lewis!!!) [the laughter continues]
|
|
[End of Jakovasaurs] |
