|
[Mr. Garrison's classroom. The
kids chat away as Token enters]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Okay, chlidren. Let's take our
seats. We have something very important to discuss. Due to recent
events around the country I've been instructed to teach you all about
sexual harassment in school. |
| Kyle: |
About what?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Now, does anybody know what sexual harassment means?
[Cartman raises his hand] Yes, Eric?
|
| Cartman: |
When you're trying to have intercourse with a lady
friend, and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
…No, Eric! That's not what I'm
talking about! The school board has sent over a special guest to teach
us all about sexual harassment in schools. Please welcome Petey, the
Sexual Harassment Panda. [Petey enters]
|
| Petey: |
[song
and dance]
Who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree?
Sexual Harassment Panda.
Who explains sexual harassment to you and me?
Sexual Harassment Panda.
"Don't say that! Don't touch there!
Don't be nasty!" says the silly bear.
He's come to tell you what's right and wrong.
Sexual Harassment Panda.
Hi, boys and girls. [the class says nothing]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Say "hi" to Sexual Harassment Panda!
|
| The class: |
[hesitant] Hi, Sexual Harassment Panda.
|
| Clyde: |
Hababah.
|
| Petey: |
[reaches behind the desk for a picture of two pandas in
briefs]
Did you know that when one little panda pulls on another little panda's
underwear, that's sexual harassment? That makes me a sa-a-a-a-ad panda
[drops his head to one side]
|
| Kyle: |
[to Stan] This is freaking me out, dude.
|
| Petey: |
[shows another picture of two pandas…] And
when one little panda puts his furry little willy in another panda's
ear, that makes me a very sad panda. [puts the picture away and gets
some literature] Now, I'm going to pass out these booklets, and we're
going to go through each and every sexual harassment law.
|
| The class: |
Awgh!
|
|
[Five hours later]
|
| Petey: |
"…Article 36, Section 19: One panda may not
make sexual comments about another panda's appearance. If said panda
does make…"
|
| Stan: |
Ogh, dude, get me out of here!
|
| Cartman: |
I think Sexual Harassment Panda is cool.
|
| Stan: |
You would think that, you little ass-sucker.
|
| Cartman: |
What did you call me?
|
| Stan: |
An ass-sucker. It means you suck ass. You see an ass,
you suck it. You're an ass-sucker. |
| Cartman: |
[indignant] That does it! I am suing you for sexual
harassment!
|
| Petey: |
Uh-oh.
|
| Stan: |
What?
|
| Cartman: |
You have… sexually harassed me for the last
time! It says right here… that now I can sue you and take
all of your money.
|
| Petey: |
That's right, he can.
|
| Stan: |
No you can't, you little ass-sucker!
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, you did it again! You all heard him!
|
| Petey: |
"The first party of the first panda may sue the
second-party panda unless that panda was said panda aforementioned
panda."
|
|
[South Park Courthouse, day.
The Honorable Judge Julie presiding]
|
| Judge Julie: |
This is Cartman vs. Marsh, Case No. 3433. What is your
complaint, Mr. Cartman?
|
| Cartman: |
Your honor, my lawyer is just parking the car. He
should be here any second.
|
| Kyle: |
[sitting by Stan] Dude! He got a lawyer?
|
| Gerald: |
[entering] Sorry I'm late…
|
| Kyle: |
Dad?!
|
| Gerald: |
Oh! Hi, Kyle. [moves to Cartman's side]
|
| Judge Julie: |
All right. Let's move this along, shall we? Now, Eric
Cartman, uh, you claim that Stan Marsh sexually harassed you in school.
|
| Cartman: |
Th… That is correct, my honor.
|
| Stan: |
Hoh, whatever! [rests his head on his left hand]
|
| Cartman: |
He talked about having oral sex with my ass.
|
| Stan: |
I called you an ass-sucker!
|
| Cartman: |
Yes, that was it. I was suh-so upset. [sniffs, Gerald
comforts him]
I couldn't concentrate the rest of the day. And the way his eyes kept
looking at me, slowly going up and down my body, like he was undressing
me with his eyes. [hides his face in Gerald's coat and begins sobbing]
|
| Stan: |
What?! Cartman, you call people names all the time!
|
| Gerald: |
As you can see, your honor, my client is too upset to
continue.
|
| Judge Julie: |
Mr. Marsh, what do you have to say?
|
| Stan: |
Wwhat do you mean?
|
| Judge Julie: |
I need to hear your defense.
|
| Stan: |
Uh… I'm eight?
|
| Judge Julie: |
All right, this seems pretty
open-and-shut. Stan Marsh, under the new Sexual Harassment in Schools
law, I am forced to find you guilty.
|
| Stan: |
Huh???
|
| Gerald: |
All right, we did it!
|
| Cartman: |
Hooray!
|
| Judge Julie: |
Since the defendant is under age
and has no monetary resources, it is the judgment of this court that
50% of Stan Marsh's belongings are to be handed over to Eric Cartman
immediately.
|
| Stan: |
I have to give him half my stuff??
|
| Cartman: |
Sweet!
|
|
[The Marsh house. Cartman is
present with Gerald and a collector in Stan's room]
|
| Cartman: |
Let's see. I want that Clown Criminy game [on the
cabinet next to the door. The collector puts it into Cartman's box],
aand that Power Jim doll. [goes to Stan's toy box] And, let's
see… [pulls out a Mega Truck] Do you really like this
remote-controlled truck?
|
| Stan: |
Yeah, dude. That's my favorite toy. |
| Cartman: |
Oh, well, I'll just take that, then. [tosses it into
his box and reaches for a lizard] And what about this? Is this one of
your favorites?
|
| Stan: |
Uh, no! I hate that toy!
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, then you won't mind if I take it! [tosses it into
his box]
|
| Stan: |
Damnit!
|
| Collector: |
[approaches Gerald with two toys] Here you go. As your
legal fee you can choose between the green choo-choo or the squishy
football.
|
| Gerald: |
Hm. [drops them and walks to Cartman] You know, Eric,
I've been thinking, uh…
|
| Cartman: |
Uh-huh? That model airplane kit? Go on.
|
| Gerald: |
Uh, you know, the people really responsible for your
harassment is the public schools. [Cartman looks through Stan's drawers]
Perhaps we should sue them next.
|
| Cartman: |
What? But uh, why should I sue the school?
|
| Gerald: |
Well, because they're the ones that
let this harassment go on. And, they have a lot more money. I think we
could get a lot more out of this than half of Stan's belongings.
|
| Cartman: |
Interesting. [the collector picks up a can and presses
a button on it] Ooo, Stan's asthma inhaler. I want that! [rushes to
grab it]
|
|
[The courthouse, day. The
gavel sounds. Cartman vs. South Park Elementary, The Immediate Party]
|
| Judge Julie: |
Answer the question. Did you know that sexual
harassment was going on in the classroom?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
No, I had no freakin' idea!
|
| Gerald: |
Mr. Garrison, do you know the definition of sexual
harassment?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Of course, and so does Mr. Hat. We do not tolerate
sexual harassment!
|
| Judge Julie: |
You are the witness here, Mr. Garrison, not Mr. Hat.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
I'm sorry, toots.
|
| Gerald: |
Did you, or did you not, hear my client being called an
ass-sucker?!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Yes.
|
| Gerald: |
And you did nothing.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Well, he is a little ass-sucker. [the audience laughs]
|
| Judge Julie: |
[gaveling twice] Mr. Garrison, I will remind you that
we are in court!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Okay, baby, I'm sorry.
|
|
[Later that day. Cartman vs.
South Park Elementary, The Responsible Party]
|
| Gerald: |
Principal Victoria, were you aware that my client was
being harassesd at your school?
|
| Principal Victoria: |
Well, not any more than any other student.
|
| Gerald: |
Oh! So you admit that harassment goes on!
|
| Principal Victoria: |
I don't know!
|
| Gerald: |
You don't know?! You're the principal!
|
| Principal Victoria: |
I can't be around every second!
|
| Gerald: |
[staring her down] So it DOES go on!!!
|
| Principal Victoria: |
All right, all right, I
killed him. I hit him over the head and I cut up the body. I tried to
burn him, but it wouldn't burn! Oh, the smell of it! I put the legs in
garbage bags and hid the torso under a bridge. I HAD TO DO IT!! [beaks
down on the stand] OH GOD!!!
|
| Gerald: |
Principal Victoria, was Eric Cartman called an
ass-sucker? Yes or no?
|
| Principal Victoria: |
[composes herself] I believe so, yes. [the audience
begins to murmur]
|
| Man: |
That's sexual harassment.
|
|
[The courthouse, still later.
Cartman vs. South Park Elementary, The Expert Witness]
|
| Gerald: |
Last, I'd like to bring up my expert witness: Sexual
Harassment Panda.
|
| Petey: |
[song and dance as he goes to the stand]
Who lives in the caves 'neath the willow tree?
Sexual Harassment Panda.
|
| Gerald: |
Expert witness, did South Park Elementary allow sexual
harassment to go on?
|
| Petey: |
Well, when one little panda asks another little panda
to perform oral sex, that is sexual harassment.
|
| Gerald: |
And who's to blame?
|
| Petey: |
I'm afraid the law states that the school must be held
responsible.
|
| Gerald: |
There! You have it! Straight from the horse's mouth!
|
| Petey: |
Panda.
|
| Gerald: |
Pan- Panda's mouth.
|
|
[Cartman vs. South Park
Elementary, The Verdict]
|
| Judge Julie: |
After careful review, it is the
judgment of this court that South Park Elementary pays Eric Theodore
Cartman $1.3 million in damages.
|
| Gerald: |
All right! We did it, Eric!
|
| Cartman: |
[takes his jacket off and twirls it around]
It's time to celebrate, yeah. It's time to celebrate, yeah.
|
|
[The Broflovski house.
It is literally bigger now - 50% taller, wider, deeper… Same
with the
garage, itself bigger than the house to irs right. The icicles are also
bigger. Furniture movers come by with new furnishings for the new, big
house. Two delivery men take a big-screen TV into the house]
|
| Gerald: |
That goes in the master bedroom. [Kyle walks up] Well,
Kyle. What do you think of your new house?
|
| Kyle: |
It's… big.
|
| Gerald: |
Yes, it is big, isn't it? It is very… big.
|
| Kyle: |
Dad, if the school has to pay you and Cartman $1.3
million, where does that money come from?
|
| Gerald: |
Well Kyle, schools have lots of
money. You see, we all pay taxes, and part of that tax money goes to
public schools, and it's from that money that we got our 1.3 million.
|
| Kyle: |
[thinks a bit] And you don't see a problem with that?
|
| Gerald: |
No. It's a very fragile system that nature has
designed. All things flow into each other.
|
| Kyle: |
You're trying to confuse me now, aren't you?
|
| Gerald: |
Sort of, yeah.
|
|
[Mr. Garrison's
classroom, some days later. The alphabet strip, the poster, and the
teacher's desk and chair are gone. Only the chalkboard remains. Mr.
Garrison enters]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Okay, children, there's a few changes being made here
at school, but lessons will go on as normal. Any questions? [Stan
raises his hand. The desks, pictures, and numbers are gone] Yes, Stan?
|
| Stan: |
Where's our desks?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Rright, ddesks. Well, a lot of cuts had to be made
since the school's funding is short for lawsuits.
|
| Stan: |
[huffs] You see, Cartman? You see what this has done?
|
| Cartman: |
All I know is, I got this sweet digital watch and these
cool shoes; I'm telling you guys, suing people kicks ass!
|
| Clyde: |
Wow! I wanna sue somebody! [smiles at Bebe]
|
| Bebe: |
Me, too. I wanna get a lawyer.
|
| The class: |
Yeah!
|
| Kenny: |
(Woohoo)
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Well, let's just try to cope
with the changes and do our schoolwork. Now, I'm gonna write a sentence
on the board, and I want you to tell me the noun. [starts writing, but
not with chalk. The sound just grates to the ear]
|
| The class: |
[wincing] AAAAAAAH!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[turns to face the class]
I know, I know. I'm sorry, children, but we can't afford chalk anymore.
I have to write on the chalkboard with this rusty nail. Anyway,
children, in the sentence, "The ball is red…" [loud
scratching]
|
| The class: |
[wincing] AAAAAAAH!
|
|
[The offices of
Broflovski and Jackson. Gerald is in his office looking out the window.
His briefcase is open. Music starts for a commercial]
|
| Gerald: |
[turns around] Kids! Are you
tired of being harassed at school? Sick of being called a homo? A
farty-pants? A butt-… face? Then call me, Kyle's dad, and
I'll help you
[slams his briefcase shut] close the lid on sexual harassment in
schools!
|
| Bebe: |
[outside] After a boy in my
class tried to put his tongue in my nouth, I knew I needed legal help.
Kyle's dad helped me get a $1.6 million settlement, and this bright new
shiny bicycle. Thank you, Kyle's dad! [rings her bell and rides away]
|
| Clyde: |
[on a yacht, The Litigator, sunning himself] Kyle's dad
got me 1.4 million, and he can do it for you, too. Just look at all
these beautiful girls! [four of them come to cater to him]
|
| Gerald: |
So call me, Kyle's dad. Because it's not about money,
it's about… wait, what am I saying? Call me! [jumps for joy.
This shot is frozen as the jingle is sung]
|
| Singers: |
Kids picking on you? Well, don't be sad.
Just sue their asses with Kyle's dad!
["Call now! 1-555-SUE THEM"]
|
|
[South Park School Board
meeting at South Park Elementary] |
| Chairman: |
All right, what other cuts do we have to make to the
school budget?
|
| Woman: |
Uh, next we have Tom Morris. He plays Sexual Harassment
Panda at the schools.
|
| Chairman: |
Oh, right. We certainly can't afford him anymore.
|
| Woman: |
I warn you, Mr. Evans, uh, Tom Morris takes his job a
little seriously.
|
| Petey: |
[enters] Hello, sexual harassment cubs.
Who lives in the caves 'neath the willow tree?
Sexual Harassment Panda.
|
| Mr. Evans: |
Uh uh, have a seat, Mr. Morris.
|
| Petey: |
Who?
|
| Mr. Evans: |
Uh. S-Sexual Harassment Panda.
|
| Petey: |
Oh, all right. [sits]
|
| Mr. Evans: |
Uh. M-m-m-Mr. Morris, we at the
school board have been thinking, and, we've decided that perhaps a
"panda" isn't the best way to explain sexual harassment to children.
[Petey's head tilts]
|
| Woman: |
You see, Mr. Morris, we believe that a panda doesn't
really have anything to do with… sexual harassment. [long
pause] At all.
|
| Mr. Evans: |
…I'm afraid we're just going to have to let
you go.
|
| Petey: |
[rubs his eyes] I'm a sa-a-a-a-ad panda.
|
|
[The courthouse, day. The
dominoes begin to tumble. Pip vs. Cartman]
|
| Judge Julie: |
Eric Cartman, it is the judgment of this court that you
sexually harassed Pip Philip at school.
|
| Cartman: |
No way!
|
| Pip: |
I won!
|
| Cartman: |
This is ridiculous!
|
| Judge Julie: |
You asked Pip to suck your… you know what.
You must give Pip half your stuff, and the school must give Pip $1.6
million.
|
| Principal Victoria: |
[Mr. Mackey sits with her] Oh, dear God!
|
| Gerald: |
Wow, I'm good!
|
| Judge Julie: |
Next!
|
|
[Craig vs. Wendy. They go to
their respective podiums. The boys have left]
|
| Craig: |
This girl touched my thigh.
|
| Judge Julie: |
Half her belongings, school is sued for 2.1 million.
|
| Principal Victoria: |
We're ruined!
|
| Judge Julie: |
Next!
|
|
[Mr. Mackey vs. Tweek. They go
to their respective podiums.]
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Uh, your honor, this young man commented on the shape
of my ass.
|
| Tweek: |
[hops] Guh!
|
| Judge Julie: |
Half his stuff, 2 million from the school.
|
| Principal Victoria: |
Ogh! [faints right off the chair]
|
|
[South Park Elementary, class
time, barren classroom]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Okay, children, let's all take our seats. We have a lot
to learn today. [gets out the rusty nail, but turns to see the class
with Mr. Broflovski in the back] Oohh-kay. Uh, Clyde, can you tell me
when Ulysses S. Grant was president?
|
| Clyde: |
Um.
|
| Gerald: |
[admonishing] Don't answer that!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Uh, Craig, how about you?
|
| Craig: |
Um. [Gerald whispers in his ear] Okay. I refuse to
answer on the grounds that it may incinerate me. |
| Gerald: |
[whispers] Incriminate.
|
| Craig: |
Incriminate.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[angrily] Okay, children, I'm having a real problem
with you all having lawyers! Ir is really disrupting class time!
[Gerald approaches and whispers in his ear] Uh huh. Ri- oh, uh oh, I
see. Oh, okay. Ri-ight. [Gerald leaves]
Kids, what I meant to say is that I fully condone you all having
lawyers and support your legal recourses in every way. Now, let's get
back to Ulysses S. Grant, if that's okay with you, uhum…
|
|
[Cafeteria. The boys are in
line. At least the tables are still there]
|
| Kevin: |
[to the redhead] Let's trade sandwiches.
|
|
[The kitchen. The poster and
menu board are missing, but the counter is there]
|
| Chef: |
Hello there, children!
|
| The boys: |
Hey, Chef.
|
| Chef: |
How's it going?
|
| Stan: |
Bad.
|
| Chef: |
Well, they're about to get worse. All I can serve you
for lunch is lumpy potatoes.
|
| Cartman: |
Lumpy potatoes?! Oh, no!
|
| Chef: |
Sorry, children. All my funding's been cut.
|
| Cartman: |
Oh my God! You guys have to do something!
|
| Stan: |
Chef, how can we stop all these sexual assment
lawsuits?
|
| Chef: |
I don't know, children. [to Kyle] Why don't you ask
your dad? He's a lawyer, ain't he?
|
| Kyle: |
I've tried talking to him, but he doesn't want the
lawsuits to stop. He's making too much money.
|
| Chef: |
Well, somebody else has got to know all about this
sexual harassment whosafudge.
|
| Kyle: |
Hey, what about that stupid panda?
|
| Stan: |
Yeah, Sexual Harassment Panda. He's the one that
started all this. We have to find him!
|
| Chef: |
Well, I hope you do. Otherwise, it's lumpy potatoes
from here on out.
|
| Cartman: |
Noooo! [runs out]
|
|
[South Park School Board
meeting]
|
| Mr. Evans: |
That's thrity-two more lawsuits in the past twenty-four
hours.
|
| Woman: |
Oh my God!
|
| Mr. Evans: |
Looks like we'll have to cut all counseling and
nutrition programs.
|
| Woman: |
The children have started suing adults. They could sue
us next.
|
| Mr. Evans: |
Holy smokes, you're right!
|
| Stan: |
[enter with Kyle, Cartman, Kenny] 'Scuse me. We'd like
to speak with Sexual Harassment Panda, please.
|
| Mr. Evans: |
Ugh! [he and the other members hide behind their chairs]
P-please! Don't sue us.
|
| Kyle: |
[confused] Huh?
|
| Man: |
We'll give you anything you want.
|
| Stan: |
We want Sexual Harassment Panda.
|
| Mr. Evans: |
Oh! Well, uh… We had to let him go.
|
| Cartman: |
What?!
|
| Mr. Evans: |
[ducks and rises again] D'uh. I mean, he left.
|
| Stan: |
Well, where is he?!
|
| Woman: |
We don't know! Honestly, I swear it! Please!! Let us
go!
|
| Stan: |
What the hell is wrong with these people?!
|
|
[The Company]
|
| Company rep: |
Well. Uh, your credentials are
very impressive, and you do seem to have a lot of ambition, uh but I'm
afraid there's no room for you at our comapany at this time.
|
| Petey: |
It's because I'm a panda, isn't it?
|
| Company rep: |
Well, ih it is because you're a panda. Euh, it's
because you're a sexual harassment panda.
|
| Petey: |
I can't help what I am.
|
| Company rep: |
Now, have you ever heard of a retreat called "The
Island of Misfit Mascots?"
|
| Petey: |
Well, yes, but that place is for loser mascots that
make no sense.
|
| Company rep: |
Well, uh, yes. They may be… just what you're
looking for.
|
| Petey: |
I don't have to sit here and listen to this! How would
you like a big panda punch in your puss?!
|
|
[Special Report: Sexual
Harassment]
|
| Reporter: |
As sexual harassment lawsuits
increase all over the state, the mother of all trials is set to begin.
The sexual harassment case of Everyone vs. Everyone begins tomorrow. No
matter what the outcome, the public schools are sure to lose at least a
whopping $30 million. Representing the side of Everyone is Gerald
Broflovski, the lawyer from South Park who plans to make quite a
commission. Representing the side of Everyone Else is Gerald
Broflovski. So whatever the outcome, things look very bright for Kyle's
dad. Personally, I think Kyle's dad is just a whore, taking advantage
of everyone in town and… [a note is handed to him] This just
in! Newscaster Kevin McCarty is being sued by Kyle's dad for slander.
The newscaster has yet to be reached for comment. Wait…
|
|
[South Park Bar. Cool
Beer In Here. A jukebox plays. Petey sits at the bar, and three
unsavory patrons, two of them seated, study him.]
|
| Jukebox: |
Some days just seem lonely
Still, there don't seem to be no end in sight…
|
| Barkeep: |
Another scotch? [Petey nods affirmatively, and the
barkeep serves up another scotch. Petey sips]
|
| Jukebox: |
So I'll drive this ol' 18-wheeler down the
highway…
|
| Standing Patron: |
Hey! Panda bear! [Petey lowers his drink to look at him]
We don't take kindly to your types in here!
|
| Barkeep: |
Now, calm down, Skeeter. He ain't hurtin' nobody.
|
| Skeeter: |
NO! [approaches Petey] I
wanna know som'in' from Mr. Panda Bear here! If you pandas are from
mountainous areas of China and Tibet, how come you eat bamboo, which is
prone to grow only in drier, more arid regions?! [Petey has no answer]
|
| Barkeep: |
Sk-heeter, I don't want no trouble nu-how.
|
| Petey: |
It's okay. I get it. There's no room
in the world for pandas. Well, you don't have to worry about me! I'm
off to the Island of Misfit Mascots! [rises and goes out the door.
Skeeter watches him go]
|
| Barkeep: |
Damnit, Skeeter! How come every time a panda bear come
in here you gotta go flappin' your jaw?
|
|
[The Broflovski house.
Now it has massive front doors, five stories, and a water fountain just
to the right of the doors. The garage itself is bigger than the house
next to it. And the icicles are bigger, too. More furniture arrives]
|
| Gerald: |
[Kyle arrives] Well? What do you think, Kyle?
|
| Kyle: |
Dad? Don't you think our last new house is big enough?
|
| Gerald: |
Well, this one is BIGGER!
|
| Kyle: |
Tomorrow's trial, Everyone vs. Everyone, is gonna make
things a lot worse! We have to stop it!
|
| Gerald: |
[kneels] Kyle, let me explain something to you.
|
| Kyle: |
[annoyed, looks askance] Hoh God, here we go.
|
| Gerald: |
You see, Kyle, we live in a liberal,
democratic society. And Democrats make sexual harassment laws. These
laws tell us what we can and can't say in the workplace. And what we
can and can't do in the workplace.
|
| Kyle: |
Isn't that fascism?
|
| Gerald: |
No, because we don't call it fascism. Do you
understand?
|
| Kyle: |
Do you?
|
| Gerald: |
[rises] Just look at how big this house is, Kyle. Just
look at it.
|
|
[While Kyle talks to his
father, Stan, Cartman and Kenny go to the bar. The three patrons are
still there]
|
| Stan: |
[enters] 'Scuse me.
|
| Barkeep: |
Yeah? What can I do for you?
|
| Stan: |
Somebody told us they saw a big panda bear in here.
|
| Barkeep: |
Big panda bear, big panda bear, hm.
|
| Skeeter: |
Hey! Eight-year old! We don't take kindly to your types
in here!
|
| Barkeep: |
Now, calm down, Skeeter. They ain't hurtin' nobody.
|
| Skeeter: |
NO! [approaches Stan] I wanna
know som'in' from Mr. I'm Eight Years Old here! How come you types are
always wearin' them funny padded shirts in the winter?!
|
| Stan: |
…Coats?
|
| Barkeep: |
Now, Skeeter, I don't want no trouble.
|
| Patron with hat: |
[pointing at Stan] We don't take kindly to your types
around here!
|
| Stan: |
Dude, what the hell is going in?!
|
| Cartman: |
Did you guys see a big panda bear in here, or not? |
| Skeeter: |
[pounds the counter] We don't take kindly to panda
bears!
|
| Stan: |
Well, we don't take kindly to you!
|
| Patron with hat: |
[pointing at Stan] Well, we don't take kindly to folks
that don't take kindly around here. [they look anew at each other, and
nothing more is said among them]
|
| Barkeep: |
Kids, there was a panda bear in here. He said somethin'
about the Island of Misfit Mascots.
|
| Cartman: |
Where's that?
|
| Barkeep: |
If I'm not mistaken, it's over near the Jenkins place.
|
| Stan: |
Come on, we'd beter hurry. [the boys make their way
past the men and leave]
|
| Skeeter: |
Whoa! Look at her! [a blonde sits alone at the bar]
Hey! Beautiful woman! [she sips a beer and lowers the bottle] We don't
take kindly to your types around here!
|
| Barkeep: |
Nu-how, Skeeter. She ain't hurtin' nobody.
|
|
[The courthouse, next day.
Everyone vs. Everyone begins. Everyone is chattering in the audience]
|
| Judge Julie: |
This is Case No. 47g, Everyone vs. Everyone. [gavels,
and all fall quiet] Representing the side of Everyone is Gerald
Broflovski.
|
| Gerald: |
Thank you, your honor. Ladies and
gentlemen of the jury, Everyone has committed a crime here, and
Everyone must pay for that crime. My client, Everyone, has been hurt by
this crime and must be compensated.
|
|
[The Island Of Misfit Mascots
Commune. The boys reach the front gate]
|
| Stan: |
[reads] "Island Of Misfit Mascots Commune." This must
be the place. [they enter]
|
| A worm: |
Hello there, boys.
|
| Stan: |
Whoa! Who are you?
|
| The worm: |
I'm Willy, the "Don't Stare Directly Into The Sun"
Worm. Now, you boys know not to stare directly into the sun, right?
|
| The boys: |
Yes.
|
| Willy: |
That can burn your retinas and make you blind. [pulls
out some shades and a cane, puts on the shades, and sticks the cane
out, to simulate a blind person, then puts his props away]
|
| Stan: |
…Thanks a lot, dude.
|
| A pig: |
[rushes up snapping two pairs of scissors around] Oink
oink! Be sure to run around with scissors, says Oinky, the "Run Around
With Scissors" Pig. |
| Cartman: |
I thought you weren't supposed to run around with
scissors.
|
| Willy: |
That's why he's on the Island Of Misfit Mascots. [Oinky
walks away]
|
| Stan: |
Have you seen any panda bears?
|
| Willy: |
Hm…
|
| A falcon: |
[shows up behind the boys] Hey, kids! I'm Jimmy, the
"Don't Hold On To A Large Magnet While Someone Else Uses A Fan Nearby"
Falcon!
|
| Kyle: |
What??
|
| Jimmy: |
Here, watch. [hands a large magnet
to Kenny, then walks to a wind-generating fan and turns it on. As the
blades rev up, the magnet tugs at Kenny]
|
| Kenny: |
(You guys, come get this fucking magnet noooowwww!)
[the magnet pulls him into the blades, and he's chopped up into bits]
(Argh!)
|
| Jimmy: |
See?
|
| Stan: |
Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
|
| Kyle: |
You bastards! [looks further on] Hey! There he is!
[Petey, the Sexual Harssment Panda, seated on a bench while a whale and
an octopus dance to his song]
|
| Petey: |
Who lives in the caves 'neath the willow tree?
Sexual Harassment Panda.
[the boys rush up, and the whale and octopus leave]
|
| Stan: |
Dude, are we glad to find you! You have to come back to
South Park, quick!
|
| Petey: |
Why?
|
| Kyle: |
Because! Everyone is suing everyone else, and you're
pretty much the cause of it all!
|
| Petey: |
Seems all I do now is cause trouble.
|
| A badger: |
Hello, kidsh, I'm Happy, the "Don't Do Stuff That Might
Irritate Your Inner Ear" Badger. [a long silence follows as the boys
look at Happy] Well, I'll leave now.
|
| Stan: |
Please, Sexual Harassment Panda. People listen to you.
You have to get them to stop suing each other.
|
| Petey: |
But, I'm just a panda.
|
| Kyle: |
NO YOU'RE NOT, DUDE!! YOU'RE A GUY IN A PANDA COSTUME!!
[All mascots within hearing distance turn to see the cause of this
outburst]
|
| Willy: |
[rushes over to Petey and the boys] Heeyy, I'm a real
worm, pal!!
|
| Kyle: |
Okay, sorry, sorry.
|
| Cartman: |
You're you're a worm. That's that's cool, that's cool.
|
| Stan: |
[to Petey] Okay, yyou are a
panda. But being Sexual Harassment Panda isn't helping anyone right
now. You used to use your panda powers to teach people about sexual
harassment. But now you need to teach a new message. A new massage that
people will find useful again.
|
| Petey: |
What message?
|
| Kyle: |
That people shouldn't sue each other all the time.
|
| Petey: |
…You know? You little cubs might just be
right.
|
| Willy: |
Yeah!
|
| Petey: |
[jumps up and stands] Okay!
|
|
[The courthouse. Closing
arguments begin.]
|
| Gerald: |
Your honor, I'd like to make my closing arguments.
|
| Kyle: |
[bursting in] Wait! [Stan, Cartman, and Petey follow]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Hey, it's Sexual Harassment Panda.
|
| Stan: |
[faces the audience] No! He's a whole new panda now,
and he's got something to say.
|
| Petey: |
Hello, everyone. I'm Petey, the "Don't Sue People"
Panda.
|
| Jimbo: |
"Don't Sue People" Panda? [the bar patrons are present]
|
| Skeeter: |
[stands up] Hey! We don't take kindly to folks that
don't sue people 'round here!
|
| Barkeep: |
Nuhow, Skeeter, he ain't hurtin' nobody.
|
| Petey: |
Listen to me: when you sue somebody,
it hurts everyone. You sue for money, but where do you think that money
comes from? From the schools, from taxes, from the state. From you.
[The courtroom is silent, listening]
There's no such thing as free money. When you sue somebody, you take
money away from parks and schools and charities, and put it in your own
pocket. And that makes me a sa-a-a-a-ad panda. [reactions are seen in
the faces of various people in the courtroom, even in Gerald's face.]
|
| Bearded man: |
I'm a sad panda, too.
|
| Man 1: |
I'm a really sad panda. I didn't know we were doing all
that damage. This is all that damn lawyer's fault! [people get angry at
Gerald]
|
| Man 2: |
[rises] Yeah! Let's sue the lawyer!
|
| All: |
[rising] Yeah!
|
| Gerald: |
[approaches Petey and the boys]
No! Don't you see? Th-the panda's right. Boy, what a great message he
has! When you sue people, you just end up causing a lot of problems for
society. Uhwell, I've really learned something today. All I could see
was the millions of dollars coming to me and I didn't care about where
the money came from. Well, I'm no longer doing sexual harassment
lawsuits in schools! They're too vague and two easily corruptible.
Thank you, Sexual Harassment Panda!
|
| Petey: |
"Don't Sue People" Panda.
|
| Gerald: |
Yeah, well, whatever, sooo let's…
not… sue anyone again. Okay, come on, guys. Let's go get
some ice cream!
|
| Petey and the boys: |
Hooray!
|
| Petey: |
Pandas love ice cream. [Gerald, Petey, and the boys
leave the courtroom] |
| Judge Julie: |
Well, seeing as we have no lawyers, I'm throwing the
case out! Case dismissed! [gavels and leaves the bench]
|
| Skeeter: |
[people in the audience leave] Hey! We don't take too
kindly to cases being dismissed around here!
|
| Barkeep: |
[passing by] God damnit, Skeeter, shut the hell up.
|
|
[Public Service Announcement]
|
| Petey: |
Hello, cubs. I'm "Don't Sue People"
Panda, with an important message for you! Lawsuits damage our society.
I know it's tempting to make money, but just remember: that money has
to come from somewhere. And usually, it ends up hurting a lot of
innocent people. So, until next time, don't let frivolous sexual
harassment lawsuits ruin our schools. Good-bye now. [walks off]
|
|
[End of Sexual Harassment Panda] |
