|
[The Marsh car, night,
Randy's driving. He and Sheila take Stan along with them. It seems
Shelley has already been dropped off at Cartman's house to babysit him.]
|
| Stan: |
I don't want to go to this stupid party! |
| Randy: |
Come on, Stan, you're gonna have a great time.
|
| Stan: |
No, you guys are gonna have a
great time! Whenever there's a party, the adults get to hang out and
have fun while the kids spend the night locked in the basement eating
stale pretzels.
|
| Randy: |
Well, your mom and I don't get out much, so you'll just
have to bear through it.
|
|
[The Mackey house. The
Marshes arrive. Four other cars are there, one of them double-parked.
The house is festooned with stars of various sizes, with two shooting
stars among them. A banner reads, "METEOR SHOWER PARTY" while a sign on
the door reads "WELCOME SKYWATCHERS." The Marshes reach the door and
Randy rings the bell. Mr. Mackey answers.]
|
| Mackey: |
Hello! Welcome, hmkay? This is already a wild party,
hm.
|
| Randy: |
Yeah, well uh, sorry we had to bring the kid along. We
had nowhere else to put him.
|
| Mackey: |
Oh, that's okay. I've got a special kids' room down in
the basement.
|
| Stan: |
Awww!
|
| Mackey: |
[leads the family across the room] Be sure to help
yourselves to the crab soufflé, and uh, eh, Juanita? [clap
clap] Juanita? [clap clap] We need some more finger sandwiches? [she
scurries by]
|
|
[The basement. Mr. Mackey
leads the family down the steps]
|
| Stan: |
I don't wanna hang out in the kids' room. I won't know
anybody
|
| Randy: |
Well, it would be good for you to make
new friends. You can't just hang out with your buddy Kyle all the time.
People will think you guys are, you know, funny. Now I bet you'll have
a great time.
|
| Mackey: |
[opens a door] Here you go, it's right in here. [Stan
enters and gasps. Before him are two classmates and a smaller kid]
|
| Randy: |
We'll be upstairs if you need anything, Stan.
|
| Stan: |
[soft but urgent, tugging at Randy's pants] Dad! You
can't leave me here! These guys are total Melvins!
|
| Sharon: |
You have fun, Stanley.
|
| Stan: |
[soft but urgent, tugging at Sharon's dress] No! Mom,
please! They're the geekiest kids at our school!
|
| Mackey: |
We'll come get you kids when the meteor shower starts.
[closes
the door. Stan looks at it with hands in pockets, then he looks at the
other kids. Pip, Swanson, and a first grader smile at him. Stan tries
to open the door, but it's locked. He turns to face his peers.]
|
| Pip: |
Cheerio, Stahan. I do say it's quite a nice surprise
seeing you here. |
| Stan: |
Shut up, Pip.
|
| Swanson: |
Hey, Stan. Why I-I-I sure am glad
you're here, 'cause then we'll have even more fun than we, why, than we
was havin' before. Why, we wuh, we were havin' an awfully good time
before you showed up, too, however.
|
| Stan: |
Butters, is there any way out of here?
|
| Butters: |
Nope. No way out. Buh, but there
ain't nothin' upstairs but an old, stupid party anyways. It's better
down here in the kids' room. [motions to the little boy to his left]
Uh, this here is Dougie. He's not too old, but he sure is a hoot to
hang with. Uhuh, he's in first grade, I think.
|
| Dougie: |
I like math.
|
| Stan: |
Oh my God.
|
| Pip: |
We were just playing a game called Wickershams and
Ducklers. Do you want to play?
|
| Stan: |
No.
|
| Pip: |
I'm the head Wickerknicker. And you are all little
Wickershams [Butters bows]
We all sing the merry tune of Stratford until I yell, "Turrah!" and
then you all fall down laughing, and I join you, as I find it funny
too. Stan, would you be the Wickersham of Brumble Briar? [Stan just
looks at them] And all right, here we go. Whippy-tippy tootoo,
tralala-la.
|
| All three: |
Whippy-tippy tootoo, tralala-la. Whippy-tippy tootoo,
tralala-la. [Stan tries opening the door again]
|
|
[Upstairs. The party is well
under way. Mr. Garrison walks up to Mr. Mackey]
|
| Garrison: |
[quite drunk] Great party, Mr. Mackey. Mr. Hat just
grabbed Principal Victoria's ass. [his right hand jerks to the right,
pulling him] No! Mr. Hat, you get back here! [walks away. The Marshes
and the Broflovskis stand in front of the punch bowl]
|
| Mackey: |
Anyone for some meteor mai tai punch? It packs quite a
whallop.
|
| Sharon: |
Oh, I'll pass. I don't drink hard alcohol.
|
| Mackey: |
[offers the drink] Come on! Loosen up! Meteor showers
only come once in a great while. [Sharon takes it]
|
| Randy: |
One little drink isn't going to hurt anything, honey.
Come on, live a little.
|
| Sharon: |
Well, it is kind of a special night. I guess I
could… experiment. [she takes a sip]
|
| Randy: |
Yeah, experiment.
|
|
[The basement. Pip,
Butters, and Dougie continue with Wickershams and Ducklers. Stan sits
on the floor with his back to them, arms wrapping his knees]
|
| All three: |
[dancing] Whippy-tippy tootoo, tralala-la.
|
| Pip: |
[all turn 'round] Wickersham tally-ho ugh. [all fall on
their backs. Pip gets up] Are you sure you don't want to play, Stanley?
|
| Stan: |
[looks back] Yes.
|
| Dougie: |
What are you? A sourpuss?
|
| Butters: |
Uhuh, you uh really oughta play,
Stan. It's an awfully fun game. Ah I've never been to England, but uh
I'll bet the people there are really nice. [Pip walks off] Are people
nice in England, Pip? I bet they are, huh? [annoyed, Stan covers his
ears] They got those thick noses and all.
|
| Pip: |
[looks in a box] Hey, look at this!
|
| Butters: |
Uh what is it? Is it something neat? Uh I wonder what
it could be. [he and Dougie reach the box and look in]
|
| Pip: |
[leafing around] It's a box filled with ladies'
clothes.
|
| Dougie: |
[pulls out a padded bra and checks it out] Neato.
|
| Butters: |
Hey, you know what we could do with these lady clothes,
huh? Wuh-y why we could play Charlie's Angels.
|
| Stan: |
[incredulous] Oh, dude, you've gotta be kidding me.
|
| Pip: |
[hopping] Yes, let's! Can I be Jaclyn Smith? Can I?
|
| Butters: |
No, uh I get to be Jaclyn Smith. See, uh I thought of
Charlie's Angels, and I get to be Jaclyn Smith 'cause I thought of it.
|
| Pip: |
[twirls with joy] Oh, this sounds as much fun as
Wickershams and Ducklers! Come on, Angels. Let's get dressed. [walks
over to Stan] Which ladies' garments would you like, Stan?
|
| Stan: |
Dude, I'm not putting on ladies'
clothes, and I'm not playing Charlie's Angels! You guys are Melvins,
and I'm not one of you! So you go ahead and be Melvins, and leave me
alone!
|
| Pip: |
Well. [turns and walks away] Alrighty then.
|
|
[The backyard. A hot tub sits
just behind the house. Mr. Mackey leads the Marshes and Broflovskis to
it]
|
| Mackey: |
Here it is. I just had the hot tub put in last week.
|
| Gerald: |
Wow, neat!
|
| Sheila: |
It looks quite inviting.
|
| Mackey: |
Yeah, you can get a lot of action when you have a hot
tub.
|
| Sharon: |
Oh Mr. Mackey, you nut.
|
| Randy: |
Hell, we should get in.
|
| Gerald: |
Yeah.
|
| Mackey: |
Sure, go ahead. It's a-it's a party, isn't it? Mkahy?
|
| Sharon: |
Oh, I'm not hot-tubbing. I have nothing to wear.
|
| Mackey: |
Hm huheh, that's okay. [giggles]
|
| Sheila: |
No hot tob for me!
|
| Gerald: |
Well, screw you guys! [disrobes and jumps in]
|
| Randy: |
I'm getting in for a while, too. [disrobes and jumps in]
Geronimo!
|
| Sharon: |
Oh,
look at our boys, Sheila. [Randy and Gerald splash each other] It's
just like they're in college again.
|
|
[The basement. The Angels are
dressed and ready for action, but…]
|
| Pip: |
Okay, Angels, what's our mission this week?
|
| Butters: |
Well, I don't know what our mission is. Do you know
what our mission is, little first-grade kid?
|
| Dougie: |
How should I know?
|
| Pip: |
Oh, dear. We're Charlie's Angels, but we don't have a
mission.
|
| Butters: |
Hey, that's because we need Bosley.
Uh Bosley always told the Angels what their mission was. Remember
Bosley? Wah uhwhy uhwhy we need somebody to be Bosley. [strokes his
chin. All three look around, but the silence alerts Stan]
|
| Stan: |
[looks back displeased] What?
|
| Pip: |
Well, we hate to trouble you, Stan, but would you mind
terribly being Bosley for us?
|
| Stan: |
[grudgingly] What do I have to do?
|
| Butters: |
Uh you just got- you just gotta tell
us what our mission is, that's all. That's all Bosley does. Just give a
mission, and us Angels will accomplish it.
|
| Stan: |
Alright, alright. Here's your mission.
In ten minutes this room is gonna fill up with water and drown
everybody. You have to find me a way out of this room, fast.
|
| Pip: |
Oh, that's a splendid mission!
|
| Butters: |
Well, what are we waitin' for? We've
gotta find a way out of this room, by golly, or else we're gonna get
drowned. Come on, Angels! [they go in different directions, but Dougie
pauses]
|
| Dougie: |
Which Angel am I again?
|
|
[The hot tub. Gerald and Randy
relax in its bubbling warmth]
|
| Randy: |
Oh boy, it's nice to have a night out without the kids,
huh?
|
| Gerald: |
Yeah, I know what yuu mean. |
| Randy: |
I love havin' a family and all. I
just… miss being able to party. Drinking and socializing,
and
experimenting with all kinds of different things.
|
| Gerald: |
Well, that's what being young is all
about. Once you have a family and a career, your experimenting days are
over. But tonight is the exception; that's why I'm gonna smoke this
cigar. [brushes it under his nose and sniffs it] Only 'cause I've never
smoked before. [picks up a lighter and lights the cigar, then sets the
lighter back]
|
| Randy: |
Good idea.
|
| Gerald: |
What haven't you tried that you've always wanted to
try?
|
| Randy: |
Hohn. [raises his elbows to the rim] Um, I don't know.
Maybe I'll drink a few more beers and see where the party takes me.
|
| Gerald: |
Yeah! …Was that your leg?
|
| Randy: |
Huh? Oh, you mean, this?
|
| Gerald: |
Yeah.
|
| Randy: |
Yeah. That, that was me.
|
|
[The basement. Pip rushes up
to Stan]
|
| Pip: |
Bosley! Bosley!
|
| Stan: |
[in no mood for role-playing] What, Pip?
|
| Pip: |
Oh no no no. My name is Sabrina Duncan. Remember? We're
playing Charlie's Angels.
|
| Stan: |
What the hell do you want?!
|
| Pip: |
Well, we've completed our mission. Jill found a way
upstairs.
|
| Stan: |
You did? [rises and walks to the way]
|
| Dougie: |
[dressed as Jill] Air shaft.
|
| Butters: |
Dougie pushed that big box out of
the way and found this old ventilation duct. And I reckon it's got to
lead somewhere, and and it's good 'cause, uh 'cause now we won't drown.
|
| Pip: |
So Bosley, what's our next mission?
|
| Stan: |
We're going upstairs.
|
| Butters: |
Upstairs? Uhwhy why there's ain't nothin' upstairs but
adults. Uhwhy would we want to go upstairs for?
|
| Stan: |
Because, you stupid Melvins, they have rad food and
desserts upstairs! [crawls into the duct]
|
|
[The hot tub]
|
| Randy: |
Hey, did you see Principal Victoria in there? She looks
hot.
|
| Gerald: |
She sure does. I wouldn't mind takin' that home.
|
| Randy: |
O-hoh, yehah, I'm sure your wife would love that.
|
| Gerald: |
I wish. That's the one thing I've always thought of
experimenting with. A threesome
|
| Randy: |
[eager to know] With two girls or two guys?
|
| Gerald: |
Huh, well, two girls, of course! I mean
…with another guy, you know, that'd be… [ends up
staring at Randy]
|
| Randy: |
You, you never have a homosexual fantasy? Not that I
have.
|
| Gerald: |
You haven't?
|
| Randy: |
No, I mean… Well, they say everybody has at
some point, don't they?
|
| Gerald: |
Well, I never really wanted to
experiment with anything too crazy. You know… maybe
just… I don't know…
masturbate in front of another guy.
|
| Randy: |
Yeah well, that, that's not really …gay, is
it?
|
| Gerald: |
NO, no, uh I don't think so.
|
| Randy: |
…Well it is a night for experimenting.
|
| Gerald: |
Sure is. [both of them wait for the other to make the
first move, then…]
|
| Randy: |
Okay, I'll start. [begins]
|
|
[some activity is going
on out on the street. Someone is looking at the house through
night-vision scopes and taking snapshots. One of those shots is of
Liane talking to her son over the phone. Five ATF agents are now seen
looking at the house from across the street]
|
| ATF lead: |
This must be the place. They've got all kinds of crazy
stuff going on in there.
|
| ATF agent: |
[talks into a communicator] Code 7. We believe we have
found the compound. Request immediate backup. [the ATF lead looks at
the house again]
|
| Barbrady: |
[immediate indeed, appears in the lead's sights] Okay,
so just what is going on here, people?
|
| ATF lead: |
Get down! [pulls him into position along with the
others]
|
| Barbrady: |
What?
|
| ATF lead: |
It's just like we told you,
officer! There's a religious cult in there that plans to commit mass
suicide when the meteor shower starts. [resumes viewing, but is
interrupted]
|
| Barbrady: |
Are you sure?
|
| ATF lead: |
Of course we're sure! [points out the initials on his
cap] We're the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms! It's our job
to know what these fanatics do!
|
| Barbrady: |
So what does the ATF do when religious fanatics are
gonna commit mass suicide?
|
| ATF lead: |
Oh, don't worry! We won't let that happen! Even if it
means we have to kill each and every one of them.
|
|
[Out front, later. ATF trucks
and tanks roll in and more agents arrive]
|
| ATF lead: |
What's the situation?
|
| ATF agent: |
[coming in from reconnaissance] Apparently, we've got
at least five dozen men and women in there who intend to commit suicide
when the meteor shower starts.
|
| ATF lead: |
Any luck talking to somebody in the house?
|
| ATF agent: |
We've tried calling, but there's no answer. I think
we're gonna have to move in, sir.
|
| ATF lead: |
Alright. Johnson!
|
| Johnson: |
[a marksman, runs up] Sir!
|
| ATF lead: |
I'm sending you in. Watch your ass.
|
| Johnson: |
Yes, sir! [makes his way to the
front door while stopping at various points for better views. He rings
the doorbell with his elbow, but doesn't wait for an answer]
|
|
[The Mackey house,
living room. Johnson now looks around the living room, but no one seems
to be alarmed at his presence. Mr. Mackey's face soon fills the view]
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Oh, come on in. Join the party, mkay? [Johnson,
surprised, lowers his guard] Would you like a meteor mai tai?
|
| Johnson: |
Heeey, I love mai tais! [closes the door]
|
|
[The living room, at the
ventilation duct. Stan leads the others out]
|
| Pip: |
We did it! Great job, Angels!
|
| Butters: |
So what's our mission now, huh Bosley? Uh wha what do
you want us to do now, I wonder?
|
| Stan: |
[mischief flashing across his face] Alright, Angels.
Uh, your next job is to get Bosley some cookies and a TV set.
|
| Pip: |
What kind of cookies do you want, Bosley?
|
| Stan: |
I don't care, just hurry! [the Angels walk away]
|
| Butters: |
Well, hooray!
|
|
[The deck. Gerald and Randy
have left the hot tub and are getting dressed. Things get awkward]
|
| Gerald: |
[buttoning his jacket] So uh. Well. That was
certainly… interesting.
|
| Randy: |
[tying his shoes] …Yeah.
|
| Gerald: |
Uh, you don't regret doing it now, do you?
|
| Randy: |
No no. …Wuh what's there to regret,
right? I mean…, all we did was watch each other
…masturbate. That's
that's not gay or anything. We said so, right?
|
| Gerald: |
Thuh that's right. Ir's just harmless experimenting.
|
| Randy: |
Well, let's get back into the party and see what
everyone is doing. [turns to go in]
|
| Gerald: |
Hey. [Randy looks] Nothing changes between us, right? I
mean, we're still friends.
|
| Randy: |
Um… Yeah yeah sure sure. [goes inside]
|
|
[Outside, the ATF agents are
armed and ready to fire. The lead agent reviews the situation inside
with his scopes]
|
| ATF lead: |
Damnit, where is Johnson?!
|
| ATF agent: |
No communication, sir. It doesn't look good for him.
|
| ATF lead: |
Those bastards!
|
|
[Inside. Johnson is dancing
away. A couple is about to leave the party]
|
| Man: |
Great party, Mr. Mackey. Thank you so much.
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Well, are you sure you have to leave so early?
|
| Woman: |
We both have to be up early tomorrow, but thanks again.
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Mkay. Drive carefully, mkay? [waves them off and closes
the door]
|
|
[Outside, The couple walks a
few steps before two spotlights stop them in their tracks]
|
| ATF lead: |
[On a bullhorn] Hold it right there! Whatever it is you
are intending to do, do not do it! [the man shrugs] Your freaky
religious cult will not succeed in its plan!
|
| Man: |
What?
|
| ATF lead: |
Do not move, or we will be forced to shoot-
[ratatatatatatat. The couple dies and the lead lowers the bullhorn] God
damnit, who was that?! [most of the agents raise their hands] Did you
see them move?! |
| Agent 1: |
…I did.
|
| Agent 2: |
[next to floodlight] Yah.
|
| Agent 3: |
Yeah, they moved alright.
|
|
[Inside, several men gather
around Jimbo and Randy.]
|
| Jimbo: |
Well, I tell you what: we may not have Elway this year,
but Brister won every game he started in last year.
|
| Burly man: |
Eh that's true, but Elway was the heart of the team.
Who's the leader now?
|
| Blond man: |
I think the Jets are gonna be the team to beat this
year in the AFC.
|
| Randy: |
Yeah. Hey uh, if you watch another guy masturbate, does
that make you gay?
|
| Jimbo: |
…What??
|
| Randy: |
Well I just… I have this buddy, uh, he, sat
and watched another guy …play with himself.
|
| Burly man: |
Well… Let's go kick his ass!
|
| Other men: |
Yeah!
|
| Jimbo: |
Where is he?!
|
| Randy: |
Oh he, he lives in, like, Florida.
|
| Burly man: |
Aw! [the men disperse]
|
| Gerald: |
[walks up] Hey, Randy. What are you doing? [pats him on
the back]
|
| Randy: |
[subdued] Nothing. Uh. I'm gonna go get some chips.
|
| Gerald: |
Can I come with you?
|
| Randy: |
[softly] Okay. [rolls his eyes]
|
|
[Mackey's bedroom. Butters
leads Stan inside]
|
| Butters: |
Come right on in here, Bosley. Huhwell, it was my idea.
[Pip and Dougie are already inside, waiting]
Uh I got to thinkin', "Wuh, where do people keep TV sets?" and then I
remembered that lots of grownups have TV's ih in their bedrooms. So, so
I walked into Mr. Mackey's bedroom and er and sure enough, here it was.
|
| Stan: |
Rad! [hops on the bed and starts switching channels]
|
| Pip: |
Okay, Bosley, we got you cookies and a TV set. So
what's our next mission?
|
| Stan: |
There are no more missions. I have everything I want.
[four shows and a commercial pass by as he channel-surfs.]
|
| Butters: |
Wwe ain't got no more missions? Uhwhawhat are we
supposed to do? We're Angels. Whawhat do Angels do without a mission?
|
| Stan: |
[annoyed] Just… play something else! God!
|
| Pip: |
Oh dear. We've angered Bosley.
|
|
[Breaking news]
|
| Reporter: |
Tom, I'm standing in front of a house where a religious
cult is planning to commit mass suicide when the meteor shower starts.
|
| Stan: |
Whoa, cool!
|
| Dougie: |
I wanna be a reporter someday.
|
| Reporter: |
Just moments ago, a couple emerged from the house.
[footage of it is shown]
According to the ATF, the couple refused to cooperate, then pulled out
very big guns and started shooting everyone. The ATF had no choice but
to shoot the insane couple, and now a standoff has ensued.
|
| Pip: |
Oh, looks like that cult is about to be blown into tiny
bits.
|
| Reporter: |
The ATF commander tells us that he
has reason to believe there may be children inside and that they are
the primary concern of all. There are choppers here along with several
tanks. [choppers and tanks are heard coming in] The commander is very
concerned about what the mood is inside.
|
| Stan: |
[as the reporter speaks] Wait a minute [hops off the
bed and walks towards the window. He looks out] Oh my God! [runs back
to the others] Dude! That's this house. They think our parents are the
religious cult!
|
| Dougie: |
Do you think someday I can be a reporter?
|
| Reporter: |
We just received a photo from the recon team of the
action inside the house [Stan looking out the window just moments
before] showing eveidence that there are indeed innocent children
trapped inside. Those sick cult fanatic bastards!
|
| Stan:: |
Dude!
|
| Butters: |
Hey, uhour parents aren't religious fantastics. Why, we
gotta tell them that they're makin' an awful mistake, don't we?
|
| Pip: |
Yes. Come on, Angels. Looks like we have a new mission.
|
|
[The living room.
Everyone is carrying on, drinking and dancing, oblivious to the
commotion outside. Randy sits on the sofa, his hands to his eyes, his
mind in turmoil. Gerald walks up to him]
|
| Gerald: |
[sits] Randy, you're making me feel unimportant. Talk.
Talk, damn you.
|
| Randy: |
I'm just having a hard time with what we did in the hot
tub.
|
| Gerald: |
So, so now we can't be friends?
|
| Randy: |
I didn't say that. I mean, I don't
know, I… I just feel so strange. I know it's ridiculous, but
I can't
help feeling like people here know. You know? Like, even though nobody
could know, 'cause we said we'd never tell anybody.
|
| Gerald: |
We said we'd never tell anybody?
|
| Randy: |
[now cross] Well, of course we wouldn't.
|
| Gerald: |
Oh, uh I didn't realize that. [looks away ashamed]
|
| Randy: |
[sensing betrayal] Yuh… You didn't
…tell anybody, did you?
|
| Gerald: |
Well, uh uh a few people, yeah.
|
| Randy: |
[hushed] What?! Why the hell would you do that?!
|
| Gerald: |
You didn't say not to tell anyone.
|
| Randy: |
[hushed] Well, of course! I
thought it would be implied! When you masturbate with another guy in a
hot tub, you assume that nobody is gonna tell anybody! [looks around in
desperation to make sure no one else is listening]
|
| Gerald: |
Listen to you. You're yelling at me; you've never
yelled at me before.
|
| Randy: |
AAAW!! [jumps up and hurries away]
|
| Stan: |
[rushes out with the others in tow] Hey you guys! We've
got a big problem! [sees everyone quite drunk. A naked man dances by
with a lampshade on his head] The ATF is outside and they think you're
all a religious cult. You've gotta go talk to them. [the adults didn't
hear him]
|
| Butters: |
Huh how come they're actin' that way, Stan, huh? Uh how
come they're laughin' and fallin' down and such?
|
| Stan: |
[sees his mom waddle by] Mom, go look outside.
|
| Sharon: |
[drunk, with mai tai in hand] Mommy's little
boopie-kins [falls down and out]
|
| Butters: |
Uh let me handle this, Stan. [walks forward]
Uh now l-listen up and listne good, everyone! Why, I'm awful
disappointed in you drinkin' and carryin' on this way! Why you uhyou
should be ashamed of yourselves! Uh if you don't get outside right now,
and tell those army guys you're not religious fantastics, there's, why
there's gonna be heck to pay. Uh, heck, I tell ya! [The adults laugh
and his face drops]
|
| Stan: |
Come on, we're gonna have to go tell 'em ourselves.
[walks to the door. The others follow]
|
|
[Outside.
The boys step out, the ATF agents reload, and the door closes. The
spotlights come on and the commander takes up the bullhorn]
|
| ATF lead: |
Lay down your weapons!
|
| Stan: |
We don't have any weapons.
|
| ATF lead: |
Go back inside and tell everyone that they are
surrounded! Tell them to come out peacefully, and we will not shoot
them. [ratatatat]
|
| Butters: |
Whoa!
|
| Stan: |
Get back inside! [opens the door and the boys hurry in]
|
| ATF lead: |
I don't think they're gonna come out. Use the Ganz
technique.
|
| Barbardy: |
What's the Ganz techique?
|
| ATF lead: |
This is what we did in Waco. [two monster speakers are
moved into place on either side of the front of the house. A technician
readies the large CD player] Play really bad music really loud until it
drives them nuts and makes them want to come out. [the technician
presses a button and a garbled song plays] Nobody can stand this much
Cher. This is her new album. If this doesn't drive them out, nothing
will.
|
|
[Living room, the stereo. Mr.
Mackey turns on the very same song and starts dancing to it]
|
| Garrison: |
That's great music, Mr. Mackey. What is that?
|
| Mackey: |
Uh this is Cher. This is her new album.
|
| Garrison: |
Well, hell, turn it up.
|
|
[Living room, away from the
stereo. Randy is walking around. Two men talk in the foreground]
|
| Goateed man: |
Yeah, well, you know what I heard? I I heard that he's
gay.
|
| Other man: |
Oh, is he?
|
| Randy: |
[runs up] Who?!
|
| Goateed man: |
Huh?
|
| Randy: |
Who who did you hear is, is gay?!
|
| Goateed man: |
Ricky Martin, the singer.
|
| Randy: |
Oh. [the two men walk away as Gerald approaches]
|
| Gerald: |
Hey, Randy, what's up?
|
| Randy: |
[tenses up] What the hell is that supposed to mean?!
|
| Gerald: |
Huh?
|
| Randy: |
Ssh-shouldn't you be hangin' out with your wife right
now?
|
| Gerald: |
Wulluh uh I just felt like talkin' to you.
|
| Randy: |
There's nothing to talk about.
|
| Gerald: |
You're having regrets, aren't you?
|
| Randy: |
No, I-… I don't know.
|
| Gerald: |
Hey. Talk to me.
|
| Randy: |
No!
|
| Gerald: |
I thought we agreed what happened in the hot tub
wouldn't change our relationship.
|
| Randy: |
Will you stop it?! I don't… I
just…
|
| Gerald: |
Hey, Mr. Withdrawn, you might not need to talk about
it, but I sure do.
|
| Randy: |
Aaww! [rushes away] Sharon? [finds her at a table and
genuflects] Sharon, cuh can we go?
|
| Sharon: |
[swaying] Go?? The meteor shower hasn't even started
yet.
|
| Randy: |
[his voice grows urgent] Uh I know, but I want to make
love to you right now. I have to make love to you right now.
|
| Sharon: |
Randy, relax. We don't ever get to party. Now come on!
Loosen up! Experiment!
|
| Randy: |
Ogh, I already did.
|
| Stan: |
[rushes up with the other boys] Dad! Dad, they shot at
us.
|
| Randy: |
Not now, Stanley. [gets up and walks away. Stan watches
him go, then turns to Sharon]
|
| Stan: |
Mom!
|
| Sharon: |
Whoopee! [gets up, and the bowl of
chips drops to the ground. She faints on the table. Stan looks around,
not sure how he can rouse the adults to action, drunk as they are.] |
| Butters: |
[panicking] Hey, what are we
gonna do, huh?! Ughuh uh they shot at us! They really shot at us! They,
they ain't gonna stop until we're all dead, I betcha. Huh us and all
our families.
|
| Stan: |
[slaps Butters across the face with a backhand and
grabs him by the collar] Get ahold of yourself, man! [lets go]
|
| Butters: |
How come you slapped my face, Stan, huh? Why uhwhy on
earth would you do that, anyways?
|
| Stan: |
Come on. We have to find out what's happening. [leads
the other boys to the bedroom]
|
|
[Mackey's bedroom. The boys
enter and check out the news again.]
|
| Reporter: |
I'm standing now with Danny Ganz, the commander of the
ATF. Commander, what is the latest?
|
| Ganz: |
We have not had any cooperation with
the cult inside the house. They are refusing to come out, and
apparently they still plan to commit mass suicide once the meteor
shower starts, which should be any moment now.
|
| Dougie: |
See how reporters get to wear those cool jackets?
That's why I wanna be a reporter.
|
| Reporter: |
So what are your plans, commander?
|
| Ganz: |
Right now, our plan is to burn the house down. If we
set it on fire, they'll have no choice but to come out.
|
| Butters: |
Oh dear God, they're gonna set us on
fire. Uhoh, great Jesus, son of Mary, wife of Joseph, what are we gonna
do, huh? Huhoh, sweet Joseph, husband of Mary but not father of sweet
Jesus-
|
| Stan: |
Sh!
|
| Reporter: |
Setting them on fire seems a little dangerous,
commander. |
| Ganz: |
It is, but we can't let them kill themselves.
|
| Stan: |
We have to let them know that this isn't a cult party.
|
| Pip: |
But we can't. They'll just shoot at us again.
|
| Butters: |
Uhuh, they're gonna burn us up and
act like nothin' happened. Oh, sweet Jesus, Mary, mother of Jesus, wife
of Joseph, father to Mary, well- Wait. Mary, wife uh… Oh,
hold on.
|
| Stan: |
Come on, Angels. We've got a new mission. And this
time, it's for real. [walks off]
|
|
[Outside. The reporter
continues]
|
| Reporter: |
For hours now, the ATF has tried to
communicate with the religious fanatics inside this house. The meteor
shower is expected to begin at any moment, and so time is running out.
|
|
[Inside, the party continues.]
|
| Mackey: |
Hoh, look. Harold's doing it again, hm huh hnmkay?
[Harold
is wearing a lampshade, but he's fully dressed. The camera moves to the
crowd, then to the ground, where Dougie is standing with microphone in
hand]
|
| Dougie: |
This is Jill Munroe reporting live from inside the
meteor shower party. [Stan is filming, Butters is cueing]
As youu can see, this is a perfectly normal party. Nobody is killing
themselves. We tried to tell ATF people, but they shot at us. [aside]
Anything else?
|
| Stan: |
Tell them not to burn us down.
|
| Dougie: |
Oh yeah. Don't burn us, please. Jill Munroe, GFN news.
|
| Pip: |
Now what do we do?
|
| Stan: |
[removing the tape from the camera] Now we find a way
to get this tape to the real reporters.
|
| Dougie: |
Hey, I'm a real reporter.
|
| Stan: |
You're right. You are, Dougie. You did an awesome job.
[Dougie smiles]
|
|
[Outside, Ganz is back behind
the firing line with the bullhorn]
|
| Ganz: |
Attention, cult people! Do not commit
mass suicide! There are so many reasons not to kill yourselves!
Flowers, for instance. And backrobs. [turns off the bullhorn and
listens for a moment] Alright, I'm through trying to reason with them.
Send in the Negotiator! [a large truck hauls a large cannon in. The
barrel of the cannon reads, "NEGOTIATOR"]
|
| Reporter: |
[approaches] Excuse me, but what proof do you have that
those people inside are religious fanatics?
|
| Ganz: |
We know what we're doing. We did this all before in
Waco.
|
| Reporter: |
Uh yes, but you totally screwed up Waco. You killed a
bunch of innocent people and then tried to say they killed themselves.
|
| Ganz: |
[holds out a beanie baby] Look. You see this? You see
this?
|
| Reporter: |
Yes.
|
| Ganz: |
You see it? You see it? Go get it. [throws it away to
his left] Go get it! [the reporter soon moves in the direction of the
throw] Alright, let's get ready to kick some religious fanatic ass!
|
|
[Inside. Randy is
scarfing down some nachos at the snack table, and Gerald approaches
him. Randy sees him and gives him the evil eye, then moves to the mai
tai bowl. Gerald follows. Randy glowers at him]
|
| Gerald: |
Having a good time?
|
| Randy: |
Yeah, swell! Could I just… have a few
minutes alone?
|
| Gerald: |
I'm not gonna let you change on me,
Randy. Just because we shared an intimate moment in the hot tub, I
won't let it change our friend-
|
| Randy: |
[irritated, interrupts] We did not share an intimate
moment, okay?! That makes it sound gay! [walks away]
|
|
[Outside. The front door opens
and six guests exit]
|
| Guest: |
Good night, everyone.
|
| Ganz: |
Look out! [ratatatatatatatatatat. Screams are heard as
the guests are hit. The guests die on the spot] Ho-old your fire! Okay,
hrm. [on the bullhorn] People at the door! That was a warning! Go back
inside and tell the others that they now have one minute to surrender!
[the Negotiator is aimed right at the front door]
|
|
[The boys are in Mr. Mackey's
bedroom. From outside, the boys are seen looking out the window]
|
| Stan: |
Oh no, we're out of time! [hops down and moves away. He
ties some rope around Butters' middle] Are you sure you can do this,
Butters?
|
| Butters: |
Wuh, no, I'm not sure. Uh-I'm not sure at all. Wha-what
am I doin' again? |
| Stan: |
We're just gonna slide you down this rope, and then
you've gotta get our exclusive video to that reporter down there.
[hands him the video]
|
| Butters: |
Tha-at sounds awful dangerous.
|
| Stan: |
Can you hit a target, Pip?
|
| Pip: |
[with bow and plunger] I was archery-class esquire at
Stratfordshire. [pulls back on the bow]
|
| Stan: |
Hit something nice and solid now. [Pip
releases the plunger, with rope attached, and it lands on the left side
of Barbrady's head. Barbrady moves just a bit, then sips his coffee]
|
| Pip: |
[pulls the rope taut] I think that's got it. |
| Stan: |
Nice job, Pip.
|
| Pip: |
Did I do a nice job? Really?
|
| Stan: |
Alright, Butters. Now it's your turn. [he and Dougie
help Butters onto the window sill and hook him up to the rope]
|
| Butters: |
Wha-ah I don't know about this, uh. I think I'll
reconsider. Yep uh I think reconsiderin' is the thing to do right now.
[Dougie pushes him off] Waaah! [slides down to Barbrady and bounces off
the hook] Gooh. [runs to the reporter]
|
| Stan: |
He made it down. [Pip and Dougie grin]
|
|
[Outside.]
|
| Ganz: |
Alright, people, prepare to fire on my command! [the
agents take aim]
|
| Butters: |
Uhuh, Mr. Reporter, sir?
|
| Reporter: |
Huh?
|
| Butters: |
Uhuh wuhwe've got an eyewitness exclusive video for
you, sir. [hands it to the reporter, who inspects it]
|
|
[Inside, living room. Randy
stands alone in the middle of the crowd, despondent]
|
| Gerald: |
[walks up] Honey?
|
| Randy: |
[hushed] God, everybody's looking at me. Everybody
knows.
|
| Gerald: |
Everybody doesn't know. And why are you so ashamed of
me?
|
| Randy: |
What's happened to you?! You've become all needy and
talkative and-!
|
| Gerald: |
I just want to know it meant something to you.
|
| Randy: |
It didn't mean anything to me, Gerry! [the music stops]
All we did was watch each other masturbate in the hot tub! [people turn
and stare. One man gasps and Sharon lifts her head from the floor]
|
| Man in briefs: |
Aw, I was just in the hot tub. [a man next to him pulls
away]
|
| Randy: |
Yeah! Yeah, it's true! I thought it would be exciting,
and maybe it was, but I can't deal with your accusing stares! [shots of
various people looking at him] We watched each other jack off in the
hot tub! There! We did it! I'm not proud of it, but there it is!
|
| Mackey: |
Uh. Well, it's not like you're the only guy who's ever
watched another guy masturbate; I've done it.
|
| Ned: |
Mmm-me too. [other men begin to answer]
|
| Man 1: |
Yeah, uh I've done it a few times.
|
| Man 2: |
Yep.
|
| Man 3: |
Yup.
|
| Man 4: |
Uh huh.
|
| Man 5: |
Me too.
|
| Man 6: |
Myeup, me too.
|
| Man 7: |
Yup.
|
| Jimbo: |
Aw, hell, uh I've done it too. With Cameron here.
[points to the burly man who spoke earlier]
|
| Mackey: |
[music resumes] Uh, Juanita, could you fix some more
dip, please, Juanita? [she goes to do it, and conversation resumes
among the guests]
|
| Randy: |
You mean it? I'm not gay?
|
| Jimbo: |
[walks up] Hwell… maybe a little. But we're
all a little gay.
|
| Randy: |
Oh, I feel so much better! Wow!
|
| Gerald: |
So we're friends again?
|
| Randy: |
Uh, you bet we are, Gerry! I feel great! I feel like I
could take on the world! Everything's gonna be okay!
|
|
[Outside. The Negotiator is
rolled into placed and aimed once more]
|
| Ganz: |
Alright everyone, fire!
|
| Reporter: |
[runs in front of the cannon and waves his arms] Hold
on just a minute! This is Derek Smalls reporting. We have just received
an exclusive video from inside the house [holds it up], proving that
the people inside are not cultists after all.
|
| Ganz: |
[to an agent] Uh oh. [runs to address the agents and
waves his arms] Uh uh attention everyone! This has only been a test.
Good job, men, on this, uh, simulation.
|
| Blond agent: |
Simulation?
|
| Ganz: |
[to the blond] Sh. [to all] All is well. Do not shoot
at [BOOM.
The cannonball hits a house behind Mackey's, then bounces to crush
another, then another, and yet another. Stan, Pip, and Dougie rush
outside to join the reporter.]
|
| Pip: |
O-hoh, I believe we've saved the day! [Butters joins
them]
|
| Ganz: |
Woops.
|
| ATF agent: |
Sir, this isn't gonna look good.
|
| Ganz: |
You're right. Quick, let's get out of here! [in the
blink of an eye, every ATF agent and vehicle rushes away, leaving a
clear road]
|
| Derek: |
Say, that was a fine piece of journalism, boys.
|
| Dougie: |
Wow, you mean that?
|
| Derek: |
Sure. Why, with your tape, I'll be able to make
millions and further my career beyond my wildest dreams. [walks away
with the tape]
|
| Butters: |
Uhuh oh uh, uh hooray, then!
|
| Pip: |
There. Angels, I must say I think we did a smashing
job.
|
| Butters: |
Uh we, we sure did. Why, we put the fear of God in
those ATF sons of guns, I can tell ya.
|
| Stan: |
But you know, I learned something
today. I used to call you guys Melvins. But you're just kids, like me.
We separate you in school because you talk different and you study too
hard, but we've proven tonight that we can all get along.
|
| Butters: |
Uh, so you mean we can stay friends, Stan? Wouldn't
that be swell, huh?
|
| Kyle: |
[shows up] Dude! I'm glad to see you. You would not
believe the night I had.
|
| Stan: |
You?! You think you had a bad night?! I had to hang out
all night with these friggin' Melvins! |
| Kyle: |
Hoh, dude, weak.
|
| Stan: |
Super weak.
|
| Kyle: |
Come on. I'll tell you all about what happened to me.
[goes inside with Stan and Ike, leaving the Melvins outside sad.]
|
|
[End of Two Guys Naked In A
Hot Tub. Cher's mangled song plays.] |
