|
[The Cartman house, day.
Cartman is watching TV and snacking on soomething. Kitty walks up]
|
| Kitty: |
Reowr. |
| Cartman: |
No, Kitty! These are my spicy-hot Louisiana-baked
Chicken Tenders! |
| Kitty: |
Reowr.
|
| Cartman: |
No, Kitty! [the TV screen shows a blond Ash-like figure
surrounded by three little monsters]
|
| "Ash": |
Someday, I will collect all the
Chinpoko Mon. Then I will fight the Evil Power that will reveal itself
once all the Chinpoko Mon are collected- [tilts his head to one side]
oh?
|
| Kitty: |
Roar?
|
| Cartman: |
[affecting an anime look] No, Kitty. You can't have
these chicken tenders, because they are mine, and I keep mine to
myself- oh?
|
| Annoucner: |
Be sure to tune in tomorrow for another inexplicable
episode of… CHINPOKOMON.
|
| Cartman: |
[exults] Hooray! [hops off the sofa and begins to walk
away…]
|
| Annoucner: |
Hey kids! [Cartman turns to look at the TV] Do you love
Chinpokomon? |
| Cartman: |
Yes.
|
| Announcer: |
Well, now you can buy your very own! [the little
mosnters begin to flash across the screen]
|
| Singer: |
I've got to buy Chinpokomon
I've got to buy it, I've got to buy it! [six Chinpokomon appear] |
| Announcer: |
[more Chinpokomon appear…]
Now you can collect them all. Furrycat, Donkeytron, Pengin, Shoe,
Lambtor. Collect them all, and you can become Royal Crown Chinpoko
Master.
|
| Cartman: |
Whoa! Crown Chinpoko Master?! Holy shit!
|
| Announcer: |
All the Chinpokomon are in stores now.
|
| Japanese Woman: |
[dressed in business attire] Chinpokomon is
soo-peh-rior rubbeh toy, Nuhmbah 1!
|
| Singer: |
Come buy us! Chinpo-ko-mon!
|
| Cartman: |
[turns off TV and rushes to the kitchen, tossing the
chicken tenders away] Mom! Mom!
|
|
[The kitchen. Liane is at the
sink. Cartman rushes in and runs circles around her legs] |
| Cartman: |
[pants] Mom! Seriously! Let's go to the toy store, Mom.
Now! Must go! Toy store!
|
| Liane: |
Eric, calm down. [genuflects and restrains him]
|
| Cartman: |
Uh seriously! Mom! Must go! Must buy!
|
| Liane: |
What is it, Eric?
|
| Cartman: |
[breathless] Muh. Mom, I've
only just heard. They're making Chinpokomon dolls, mom. You can collect
them all. You can collect them all, Mother; quick, come on. Let's go to
the toy store.
|
| Liane: |
[stands up and turns to the counter] I'm making you
some lunch right now, Eric.
|
| Cartman: |
[stops] …But Mo-o-om, I have to get
Chinpokomon dolls before everybody else does, 'cause then I'll be
coo-oo-ool.
|
| Liane: |
Can't it wait till tomorrow, hon?
|
| Cartman: |
[shriek] …But Mo-o-om, I have to get the
first one, or else people won't think I'm coo-oo-ool!
|
| Liane: |
Alright! let's go. [heads towards the front door.
Cartman follows]
|
| Cartman: |
Sweet.
|
|
[The toy store, "TOYS."
Cartman and Liane approach it]
|
| Cartman: |
Everybody's gonna be sooo jealous when they see my
Chinpokomon. [Liane
opens the door, and both are shocked to find the store full of kids
looking around and walking with Chinpokomon dolls. The class is
there…]
|
| Girl: |
[amid the din] Give it to me!
|
| Boy: |
Give it here!
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, God damnit! [walks in and runs into Stan]
|
| Stan: |
Hey, fatass.
|
| Cartman: |
Hey, dick-whore. I guess you saw the commercial, too.
|
| Stan: |
Yep. I got: Roostor, Lambtron, and Shoe.
|
| Cartman: |
Well, that's nice, but I'm gonna get a Pengin. He's the
coolest. [walks to the Pengin canister and finds it empty] God damnit,
there's no more Pengins! [Kenny walks over with one] Kenny, Pengin is
my favorite. That's the last one. Let me have it. [starts pulling]
|
| Kenny: |
(Nuh uh.) [pulls back. Tug-of-war]
|
| Cartman: |
C'mon.
|
| Kenny: |
(Nuh uh!)
|
| Cartman: |
C'mon, Kenny. Let me ha-
|
| Kenny: |
(No!)
|
| Cartman: |
C'mon.
|
| Kenny: |
(No!)
|
| Cartman: |
C'mon. Give me Pengin!
|
| Kenny: |
(No! This is mine!)
|
| Cartman: |
C'mon!
|
|
[The checkout counter. Sharon
is ready to pay for some Chinpokomon. Liane has one, too. Sharon turns
to Liane]
|
| Sharon: |
Honestly, I don't see what they find so amusing about
those things.
|
| Liane: |
They're so strange. Where are they from?
|
| Cashier: |
Well, it's some new big thing from Japan. I tell you,
those Japanese really know how to market to kids.
|
| "Ash": |
[on a TV screen] I've got to collect all Chinpokomon.
I've got to collect them all so I can become Royal Crown Chinpoko
Master - oooh? [static]
|
| Japanese woman: |
Own-ah Chinpokomon, and-ah you vill-ah have-ah happy
feelings-eh. [static]
|
| "Ash": |
I have to become Royal Crown Chinpoko Master.
|
| Kids: |
[recite as they disperse] Must collect Chinpokomon.
|
|
[South Park, next day. The
boys stand around with their Chinpokomon. Kyle is missing.]
|
| Cartman: |
Okay, Kenny. I'll trade you my Chuchunezumi for your
Pengin.
|
| Kenny: |
(Fuck you!)
|
| Cartman: |
God damnit, you're supposed to trade those, you
asshole! Now, give me Pengin!
|
| Kyle: |
[arrives] Hey dudes. [notices] What are those?
|
| Stan: |
What are these? They're Chinpokomon!
|
| Kyle: |
Huh??
|
| Cartman: |
[haltingly] You don't appear to have any Chinpokomon.
|
| Kyle: |
No, but look: I just got this sweet Cyborg Bill doll. |
| Cartman: |
Oho, please. Cyborg Bill is so yesterday.
|
| Stan: |
Yeah, like ancient history.
|
| Kyle: |
Cyborg Bill isn't cool anymore?
|
| Stan: |
No, dude!
|
| Cartman: |
Cyborg Bill hasn't been cool for a long time, Kyle.
|
| Kyle: |
Why the hell don't people tell me these things?!
|
| Cartman: |
It's all Chinpokomon now.
|
| Stan: |
Dude, if you collect Chinpokomon you can complete the
Primary Main Objective.
|
| Kyle: |
What's the Primary Main Objective?
|
| Cartman: |
You don't even know what the Primary Main Objective is?
|
| Stan: |
The Primary Main Objective is to destroy the Evil
Power.
|
| Kyle: |
Well. what's the Evil Power?
|
| Stan: |
[exasperated] Ogh!
|
| Cartman: |
[exasperated] Oh, my God! The
identity of the Evil Power won't be revealed until all Chinpokomon are
collected by a Royal Crown Chinpoko Master!
|
| Kyle: |
What?
|
| Cartman: |
Duuuh!
|
| Stan: |
Kyle, get with the times, dude! [turns and walks away
with Cartman and Kenny]
|
| Cartman: |
Duuuh!
|
| Kyle: |
[throws down Cyborg Bill] Shit! |
|
[The Broflovski house. Sheila
and Gerald are talking on the sofa. Ike sits to Gerald's left]
|
| Gerald: |
Yeah, I guess so.
|
| Kyle: |
[enters] Mom, Dad, can I have money to buy Chinpokomon?
|
| Sheila: |
What's a Chinpokomon?
|
| Kyle: |
I'm not sure.
|
| Sheila: |
Well, why do you need one?
|
| Kyle: |
I don't know.
|
| Sheila: |
…Well then, the answer is no, Kyle. You just
got money to buy your Cyborg Bill doll.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah, but Cyborg Bill is totally gay now. Please Mom?
Everybody else has Chinpokomon.
|
| Gerald: |
Well, Kyle, that's not a reason to buy something.
|
| Ike: |
Neah Kyle doh.
|
| Gerald: |
You see, son, fads come and go. And this "Chin-po-ko
Mon" is obviously nothing more than a fad. You don't have
to be a part of it. In fact, you can make an even stronger statement by
saying to your peers, "I'm not going to be a part of this fad, because
I'm an individual." Do you understand?
|
| Kyle: |
Yes. Yes, I do, Dad. Now let me tell
you how it works in the real world. In the real world, I can either get
a Chinpokomon, or I can be the only kid without one, which singles me
out, and causes the other kids to make fun of me and kick my ass.
|
| Gerald: |
Hm. Good point; here's $10. [hands it to him]
|
| Kyle: |
Thanks.
|
| Gerald: |
Wait, here's 20. Get one for your brother, too. [Kyle
receives the other $10 and walks out]
|
| Ike: |
Hey, Chih-paw-ko.
|
|
[The toy store. Kyle has just
purchased a Lambtor]
|
| Cashier: |
[hands him the doll] There you go, son. I honestly
don't know what you see in these things.
|
| Kyle: |
Neither do I. [turns and walks out.]
|
| Cashier: |
[closes the door and turns off the lights] I guess I'll
call it a night. [heads towards the back]
|
| A voice: |
Chinpoko! [the cashier turns] Buy me! Buy me! [the
cashier heads for the Chinpokomon display] When will you become Royal
Chinpoko Master? [the cashier gets a Lambtor and squeezes it, making a
little squeak.] Hurry up and buy me. [squeeze] Down with America!
|
| Cashier: |
What? [squeeze]
|
| Lambtor: |
I love you. Let's be best friends, and destroy the
capitalistic American government.
|
| Cashier: |
What the hell is goin' on here?!
|
|
[The Cartman house, next day.
The boys are engaged in a video game. Again, Kyle is absent]
|
| Kyle: |
[enters] Hey you guys! Check out my sweet Chinpokomon
doll!
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, please, Chinpokomon dolls are so last week.
|
| Kyle: |
What?
|
| Stan: |
Yeah, dude. Don't you know? It's all
about the Chinpokomon video game now. Did you bring your special
Chinpokomon game controller?
|
| Kyle: |
[a little lost] Huh? No.
|
| Cartman: |
[haltingly] Oh, you didn't get a special Chinpokomon
game controller. T-heh heh heh heh. Jehesus C-hrist!
|
| Announcer: |
Chinpokomon, what is Primary Objective?
|
| Stan, Cartman, Kenny: |
To destroy the Evil Power!
|
| "Ash": |
I've got to buy all the Chinpokomon so I can destroy
the Evil Power - oooh?
|
| Stan, Cartman, Kenny: |
Oooh?
|
| Kyle: |
Damnit! [walks out]
|
| "Ash": |
I've got to buy them all, so first I'd better go to
Hawaii and visit Pearl Harbor.
|
| Japanese woman: |
[pops up] Gottai to bomb thah hahbah! Deddy? [vanishes]
|
| "Ash": |
Go! ["GO" pops up, and the boys are furiously
maneuvering their controllers]
|
| Kenny: |
(Hey, you guys.) [the boys bomb the harbor, grunting
all the while]
|
| "Ash": |
I must buy them all! I must buy them all!
|
| Stan, Cartman, Kenny: |
We must buy them all! [they finish the first round of
bombing and fly away] |
| Japanese woman: |
[pops up] Gottai to bomb thah hahbah! [drops
down. The second round begins and the bombing is more intense. Kenny
begins to convulse and finally drops off the sofa. Play stops as
Cartman and Stan look on with shock]
|
| Stan: |
Dude! The video game gave Kenny a seizure.
|
| Cartman: |
Cool! This game rules!
|
|
[Japan, later, Chinpokomon
Company, outside. An insde shot looks to the main doors as they open,
and one man walks in]
|
| Cashier: |
Hello-o? Ey, hello? [a monitor drops down from above]
|
| Japanese woman: |
[on screen] Werucome to Chinpokomon Toy Corporashon.
Purease state a-name.
|
| Cashier: |
Rr- Red Harris? I own a toy store in Aemrica?
|
| Japanese woman: |
Purease state the puhpose-uh.
|
| Red: |
Uh, I wanna know what the hell you people are doing
with these dolls, talkin' about bringin' down American government and
all? [the monitor is pulled up in a hurry, and an elevator rises from
the floor. The doors open and two men walk towards him.]
|
| Taller man: |
I am President Hirohito. And-ah, this is Mr. Ose.
|
| Mr. Ose: |
[nods forward] Peased to meet you.
|
| President Hirohito: |
We unduhstand you have big concern about our fine
pro-duct.
|
| Red: |
Oh, eh- yes. Do you mind tellin' me what the hell this
is about? [squeezes Lambtor]
|
| Lambtor: |
The American government lies to you! Join the fight for
Japanese supremacy of the world! More to come. [the two men remain
silent]
|
| Red: |
Well?
|
| Mr. Ose: |
Uuuh.
|
| President Hirohito: |
That is so sturange. [takes Lambtor from Red] I do not
a-know how this could happen. But urest assured, I will make sure
[glares sideways at Mr. Ose] it does not happong again!
|
| Red: |
Well, now, come on, I don't think that that quite
satisfies my-
|
| President Hirohito: |
You are American?
|
| Red: |
Yes.
|
| President Hirohito: |
[begins to gesture] Ogh! You must have very big
pee-anis!
|
| Red: |
Excuse me? I was just asking you what you're up to with
these toys!
|
| President Hirohito: |
Nothing. We are very simple people. With very small
penis. Mr. Ose penis is …especially small.
|
| Mr. Ose: |
[fakes a sob] Uh, smuh, so small.
|
| President Hirohito: |
We cannot achieve much with so small penis. But you!
Americans. Wow! Penis so big! SOOO big penis!
|
| Red: |
[flattered] Well uh, he-I guess it is a pretty good
size.
|
| Mr. Ose: |
Minata, kite kite! ["Everone, come come!" A group of
Japanese women move in, chattering] This-a man has veh-ry big penis!
[the women applaud, Red grins big]
|
| Woman 1: |
Take takeru o da ne? ["It's rather large, isn't it?"]
|
| Woman 2: |
Hai. ["Yes."]
|
| Mr. Ose: |
Uh, hoh, what an-whoa immense penis-uh!
|
| Red: |
Well, it certainly was nice meeting you folk, I just
wanted to bring that little malfunction to your attention. Bye-bye now.
|
| President Hirohito: |
Good-bye. Thank you for stopping by, with your
gargantuan penis. [Red walks out humming happily. After a moment
Hirohoto looks angrily at Mr. Ose] Dame, dame da. ["Bad, this is bad."
The women move away quickly. He slaps Mr. Ose] Naze kono chippu wa soto
ni detandaba? ["How could you let this chip go out?!"]
|
| Mr. Ose: |
Wa, wakarimasen, sachoo san. Mondai desu nee. ["I, I
don't know, boss. That's the problem."]
|
| President Hirohito: |
Sekinin shoo yobe! ["You're no longer in charge!"]
|
| Mr. Ose: |
Hai. Hai, sachoo san. ["Yes. Yes, boss." He bows out]
|
|
[The Cartman house, night.
Kitty roars outside. Cartman is asleep, but tossing…]
|
| Cartman: |
I've got to buy Chinpokomon. I've got to…
buy them. Must buy Chinpokomon. |
|
[His
Chinpokomon sends up an antenna, which sends out a signal, which goes
out the window and joins other signals at a point in space. Then the
merged signals go to a satellite, which bounces them to Japan. The
signals reach the Chinpokomon Toy Corporation's rooftop satellite dish
and split up to show each Chinpokomon in its own screen on the
company's video wall. President Hirohito is talking to his board of
directors under heavy guard]
|
| President Hirohito: |
Amerika ni, kodomo zenbu Chinpokomon motte iru. Kore
kara, "phase two" hajimete. IKIMASHOO! ["All the children in America
own Chinpokomon. We'll begin "phase two" there. LET'S GO!" The soldiers
set their rifles] The time has come! We will take Pearl Harbor!
|
|
[The Marsh house next
day. A TV is on: "I've got to buy it! I've got to buy it! Chinpokomon!"
Sharon sits on the sofa looking at the cartoon]
|
| Randy: |
[walks up] What are you doing?
|
| Sharon: |
I'm watching one of Stanley's Chinpokomon video tapes.
|
| Randy: |
Why?
|
| Sharon: |
Our son loves this show, Randy, so I think it's
important that we watch it to see if it's teaching him good moral
values. [Randy sits]
|
| "Ash": |
[addressing a robot rooster]
Hey, you must be Roostor! I haven't bought one of you yet, but I'll bet
you can transform into Roostallion if you found Diamond Skill 7! [picks
it up and squeezes]
|
| Roostor: |
Roo-oo-oostor! [a teen boy in black body suit
emblazoned with an 8 appear]
|
| "Eight": |
[does the following as he speaks] Hey, I'm gonna take
your Roostor and put it in this bag, where it will flourish or expire,
depending on fate! |
| "Ash": |
Hey! Is that a good idea?
|
| "Eight": |
Roostors aren't like Chuchunezumis. They haven't the
heart for such endeavors.
|
| "Ash": |
Oooh? [Randy and Sharon look lost]
|
| Randy: |
…Are those good moral values?
|
| Sharon: |
I don't know what the hell they're talking about.
|
|
[The Marsh house, later. Randy
and Sharon watch a battle scene in disbelief]
|
| "Ash": |
Lambtron! You are losing the battle of your life!
[Lambtron battles Furrycat]
|
| Narrator: |
But Lambtron's powers also give him a good chance for a
new fight. Will he succeed?
|
| "Ash": |
I am sad now, because Lambtron must be
very lonely because there are so few Lambtrons in the world. Will he
ever find a companion?
|
| Sharon: |
This doesn't make sense. Are those stupid things
supposed to be animals or robots or what?!
|
| Randy: |
I don't know, but I suddenly kinda wanna own them all.
|
| Sharon: |
Randy, we can't allow our son to watch this stuff!
|
| Randy: |
Well, it's not like it's vulgar or violent.
|
| Sharon: |
No, but it's incredibly stupid, and
that could be worse on a child's mind than any vulgarity or violence.
Remember what "Battle Of The Network Stars" did to an entire
generation.
|
| Randy: |
[solemnly] My God, you're right.
|
|
[South Park, by Tom's
Rhinoplasty, day. Cartman is strumming a guitar. A sign on the case
reads: "Please HELP…Boys
Sent to camp] |
| Cartman: |
Come on, brothers and sisters, we've all got to join
together.
Join together and give me money so I can buy more Chinpokomon!
We've got to stop this fight and…
|
| Stan: |
[arrives with Kenny] How's it goin', fatass?
|
| Cartman: |
I haven't made any money yet.
|
| Stan: |
What?! You've been out here all weekend! How are we
gonna raise money to get into the Chinpokomon camp?
|
| Cartman: |
Ey! I'm the one who's been standing out here with this
gay guitar like a God-damned hippie all weekend! What have you two
assholes done?!
|
| Stan: |
We can't do anything. Kenny still hasn't come out of
his seizure. [moves Kenny so the glazed eyes can be seen]
|
| Kyle: |
[rushes up with a new item] I got it! I got my
Chinpokomon game controller! [The others look at him and then laugh]
|
| Cartman: |
Jesus Tapdancing Christ! Get with the program, Kyle!
|
| Stan: |
Yeah. Nobody plays the Chinpokomon video games anymore.
Now it's all about the big weekend Chinpokomon camp.
|
| Kyle: |
Camp?
|
| Cartman: |
[sighs] The makers of
Chinpokomon are going town to town and putting on a special camp to
show all the Chinpoko Masters how to destroy the Evil Power.
|
| Stan: |
You didn't know that?
|
| Kyle: |
[quickly saving face] No, uh-I knew it! I knew it. I
was just testing you guys. You just wait till I get to that Chinpokomon
camp! I'm gonna be the toughest master of them all! So we'll see you
there, a-ight? [turns and walks away]
|
| Stan: |
Dude, did you just say "a-ight"?
|
| Kyle: |
[turns back] Yeah. You know, like Lauren Hill. A-ight?
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, my God, that's so yesterday!
|
| Stan: |
Yeah, dude. Nobody says "a-ight" anymore.
|
| Kyle: |
What?? "A-ight"'s not cool, either?? When did that
happen?
|
| Cartman: |
Like, eight days ago.
|
| Kyle: |
God damnit! [turns and hurries away]
|
|
[The Marsh house, night. The
TV is shown]
|
| Announcer: |
Hey, kids! [Furrycat appears] Only one more day till
the Chinpokomon camp! ["Ash" and "Eight" appear] Come early and enjoy
all the Chinpoko fun! ["CHINPOKO MON CAMP" is placed over Furrycat,
then a violet gorilla appears]
|
| Singer: |
Chinpokomon Camp!
I've got to buy a ticket!
I've got to buy one! A ticket!
I've got to buy buy buy!
|
| Japanese woman: |
[pops in from the side] It'sa Satuhday anda Sunday. You
can'ta wait to go! [moves out]
|
| Singer: |
Chinpoko Mon!
|
|
[The living room. The
Broflovskis, Liane, the McCormicks, and the Tweeks join the Marshes.
The TV clicks off, and Sharon speaks]
|
| Sharon: |
We just thought we'd bring it to everyone's attention
because, honestly, we don't know how to feel.
|
| Liane: |
Well, I'm letting Eric go to the camp. I mean, it seems
to me this Chinpokomon thing is just another harmless fad.
|
| Sheila: |
Yeah. We told Kyle he could go if he did all his
chores, and he did.
|
| Randy: |
[concerned] Now, I'm not sure this blatant
commercialism is good for our boys.
|
| Sheila: |
Well, you know how it is, Randy. The more we forbid
them to play with Chinpokomons, the more they're gonna love them.
|
| Sharon: |
You're right, Sheila. I guess the best thing we can do
is just let them go until they get sick of it.
|
| Sheila: |
Sure. Apparently, they've been doing these camps in
every city around the country; how bad can they be?
|
|
[A chinpokomon camp. A
huge temple looms over the crowd of kids. Three huge screens display
the Chinpokomon program. Soldiers guard the screens and the central
stairway. Stan and friends move through the crowd. Several classmates
are already there]
|
| Cartman: |
Get outta the way! Move it!
|
| Stan: |
Can you see anything? [the gorilla chinpokomon appears
onscreen]
|
| Kids: |
YAY!!! [appaluse]
|
| Stan: |
It's starting, it's starting!
|
| Singer: |
I've got to buy it! I've got to buy it! Chinpokomon!
[the kids continue to cheer and clap. Mr. Ose takes center stage]
|
| Mr. Ose: |
Attention! Attention! [the kids quiet down] This isa
Chinpokomon Camp!
|
| Kids: |
Chinpokomon is what we strive to be great at in our
hearts!
|
| Kyle: |
…our hearts. [looks left] Kenny? [Kenny
stands motinless]
|
| Mr. Ose: |
What is the Primary Main Objective? |
| Kids: |
To destroy the Evil Power!
|
| Kyle: |
…Power.
|
| Mr. Ose: |
Yesuh. Anda what is the Evil Power? [no one answers]
The Evil Power is the UNITED STATESUH GOVERNMENT! [the three screens
display the U.S. flag. The kids stay silent]
|
| Cartman: |
Ooooh.
|
| Mr. Ose: |
United Statesuh government is the
Evil Power! It hasa taken Japanese Americans! It hasa broken Japanese
spirit! And what do Chinpoko Masters do to Evil Power?!
|
| Kids: |
Destroy it!
|
| Kyle: |
Destroy it?
|
| Mr. Ose: |
That isa correct! Now, it isa great honor to
present… your Chinpoko Leaduh! Emperor Hirohito! [a gong is
heard, and Mr. Ose claps a few times]
|
| Emperor Hirohito: |
[President Hirohito in shogun attire takes center stage]
Welcome to campu. Whoever passes it knows and honors that the greatness
of Japan is in its history, and it is based on that history that we
shall again rise to the dominant world powuh!
|
| Cartman: |
Is this cool or not? I can't tell.
|
| Emperor Hirohito: |
It is again time for the Rising Sun to sit tall in the
sight! One Japan! One society! [walks off. Mr. Ose claps and takes the
mike]
|
| Mr. Ose: |
We will begin witha language anda exercise skills.
Hajimete!! ["Begin!" Two instructors walk up]
|
| Instructors: |
[doing squats] Ichi, ni, san, shi! ["1, 2, 3, 4!"]
|
| Kids: |
Ichi, ni, san, shi! Ichi, ni, san, shi!
|
|
[South Park Elementary, Mr.
Garrison's class. The kids are chatting away happily in Japanese. All
have anime expressions]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Okay, children, I want it quiet! [the class shuts up]
Now, we're gonna try this again until we get it right! What is 6 x 3?
|
| Stan: |
Juuhachi desu ka? ["Isn't it 18?"]
|
| Class: |
Juuhachi da nee! ["Eighteen it is!"]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
NO, GOD DAMNIT, IT'S 18!
|
| Stan: |
Juuhachi is 18, Garrison-san.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
For the last time, my name is
not Garrison-san, all right?! And this is not Hat-san! And you all
better start talking in a manner that I can understand!
|
| Cartman: |
Wuu, Garrison-san sabuchii dana! ["Ooo, Mr. Garrison is
such an asshole!"]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
What did he say?!
|
| Stan: |
He said, "Garrison-san sabuchii da naa!"
|
| Class: |
Soo desu nee! ["That's right!"]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Damnit, this is not Japan!!
|
| Cartman: |
Minata! Kite kite, churi- [farts. The class laughs]
|
| Wendy: |
Dare ga pu shita no. ["Who farted?"]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Aaaaah! [rushes out of the room amid the kids' laughter]
|
|
[City Hall, the Mayor's
Office. The parents are gathered in it]
|
| Mayor: |
People, please! We can only speak one at a time. Now,
Mr. Garrison, you were saying…
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
I can't take it, Mayor. You have to put an end to this
Chinpoko Camp. |
| Sharon: |
[Randy holds her] My son hasn't made any sense in days.
|
| Fr. Maxi: |
I tell you, Mayor, these Japanese are trying to change
our American children somehow!
|
| Mayor: |
Alright, people, Mr. Hirohito and Mr. Ose were nice
emough to stop by to talk to you. Gentlemen? [Mr. Hirohito and Mr. Ose
step up]
|
| President Hirohito: |
We at the Japan Toy Compnay are vetty cohncerned
about-a your cohncerns. That is why we make Chinpokomon camp.
|
| Randy: |
Well, how is it good?! We don't understand what the
point of your product is!
|
| President Hirohito: |
There is nothing to worry about. We at Japan Toy
Compnay are in awe of your large penis.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
What?
|
| President Hirohito: |
You see, Japanese penis so small [holds his hands about
an inch apart] |
| Mr. Ose: |
[set his index finger an inch from his thumb] So-eh
small.
|
| President Hirohito: |
You Americans have such humungous burbous penis.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Well, uh-I guess that's true.
|
| Mr. Ose: |
Oh, suh-n nice-a big penis American.
|
| President Hirohito: |
What can we possubruh do with such small penis? We
cannot take over your city, filled witha men awith such mastodonic
penis.
|
| Jimbo: |
Huwell, uh he's got a point there.
|
| Randy: |
Well, I guess that settles that.
|
| Fr. Maxi: |
We're sorry we took your time, gentlemen.
|
| President Hirohito: |
[bowing with Mr. Ose] Oh, no. Thank you. Another chance
to be in same room with big American penis. [exits]
|
| Mr. Ose: |
Uh, uh, my penis so small. [exits]
|
| Fr. Maxi: |
Nice guys. [the door closes]
|
|
[City Hall, outside the
Mayor's Office.]
|
| President Hirohito: |
Jikan ganai. Suberi maratsuba. Sukash. Simenu bi faamo
werosii kowai samaneba. ["Time is short. Those people will discover our
plan soon. We must finish quickly."]
|
|
[City Hall, the Mayor's
Office. The men and women have split into two groups by gender. Sharon
speaks]
|
| Sharon: |
So, what are we going to do about our children? [the
men smile down at their crotches] Aah, hello-o?
|
| Mayor: |
O-kay, people. I know this Chinpuku Man fad is causing
a lot of problems. But I think we've already found a solution.
|
| Liane: |
You have?
|
| Mayor: |
Children are fickle. [thump] All we have to do is come
up with a new fad. We find the next toy and turn them all onto it as
soon as possible.
|
| Sharon: |
Of course! That's a great idea!
|
| Sheila: |
But what toy?
|
|
[South Park Market
Research Laboratories, a nondescrpt building. A big-screen TV is shown,
flanked by two lab techs. Then a sofa is shown, with Kyle, Stan,
Cartman, Kenny, and Butters]
|
| Lab Tech 1: |
Alright, boys, we're going to
show you a couple of comemrcials, and you tell us which toy interests
you the most. Now, watch carefully. [the first one comes on]
|
| Announcer: |
Hey, kids. Do you like Chinpokomon?
|
| Boys: |
Yeah!
|
| Announcer: |
Well then, you're gonna go wild for [echo comes on as a
weird bike is shown] Wild Wacky Action Bike! [a bike with two
single-arm handles, one attached to each wheel, and two lumpy side
wheels]
|
| Singer: |
Wild Wacky Action Bike! The bike that's hard to ride!
|
| Announcer: |
[a boy runs to the bike and hops on, trying to figure
out how to steer it] Wild Wacky Action Bike is almost impossible to
steer. And look: it glows in the dark!
|
| Singer: |
Goin' to try to ride all day long, but I'm goin' to
fail
'Cause it's Wild Wacky Action Bike!
|
| Boy: |
[manages to steer it, but runs into some cones] Man.
[then steers it well enough down the street]
|
| Singer: |
You get about in, you get about in Wild Wacky Action
Bike!
|
| Boy: |
Aaaaa-agh! [ends up under a truck. A cloud of steam
rushes out on impact]
|
| Announcer: |
Wild Wacky Action Bike comes with everything you see
here. [the boys say nothing for a while, then…]
|
| Cartman: |
…Gay.
|
| Stan: |
Yeah, dude. That was totally gay.
|
| Lab Tech 1: |
Ooh. [writes "GAY" under "Wild Wacky Action Bike" on
his "Test Results" pad and underlines it] Wuh-okay, here's the next
one.
|
| Announcer: |
Hey, kids. Do you like Chinpokomon?
|
| Boys: |
Yeah!
|
| Announcer: |
Well then, you're gonna love… Alabama Man!
["ALABAMA MAN" over the Stars and Bars, then Alabama Man is shown with
bowling ball and beer can]
|
| Singer: |
Alabama Man! He's quick, he's strong, he's happ'nin'
|
| Announcer: |
You can take Alabama Man to the bowling alley, where he
drinks heavily and chews tobacco. [A
little bowling alley is shown, with Alabama Man standing on a platform
that connects to the alley by a ramp. Behind that sits a woman doll
keeping score]
|
| Boy 1: |
[watching Alabama Man swing a bowling ball] Wow! He can
bowl. [presses a button, releasing the bowling ball. It goes down the
bowling alley and knocks six pins down]
|
| Singer: |
He can bowl, he can drink, he can drink and bowl.
Alaba-ma Man.
|
| Announcer: |
When his wife asks him where he's been, just use the
action button [Alabama Man is made to knock her down], and Alabama Man
busts her lip open.
|
| Boy 1: |
[with Alabama Man. Boy 2 has his wife] Shut up, bitch!
[has Alabama Man knock his wife down]
|
| Boy 2: |
Wow!
|
| Singer: |
He beat the wife and sleeps it off. Alabama Man!
|
| Boys 1 & 2: |
I wanna be just like Alabama man.
|
| Announcer: |
Alabama Man comes with everything you see here. Wife
sold separately.
|
| Boy 2: |
I thought I told you to shut up! [has Alabama Man knock
his wife down with a backhand]
|
| Announcer: |
Not all people from Alabama are wife-beaters. [Again,
the boys stay silent]
|
| Cartman: |
Gay.
|
| Stan: |
Totally gay.
|
| Kyle: |
Liberace gay.
|
| Lab Tech 1: |
[writes "GAY" under "Alabama Man" and underlines it
twice] Oooh, dear. Well, let's keep trying. How about this? [cuts into
an actual commercial…]
|
|
[South Park, next
weekend. The adults are lined up on either side of Main Street as Mr.
Ose leads the kids through the town. Japanese flags, a poster of
President Hirohito, and red flags are being paraded]
|
| Mr. Ose: |
Owatta! ["Down with"]
|
| Kids: |
Beikoku! ["the U.S.A.!"]
|
| Mr. Ose: |
Owatta!
|
| Kids: |
Beikoku!
|
| Mr. Ose: |
Owatta!
|
| Kids: |
Beikoku! Nihon en ima hajimaru! ["Its fate is now to
become Japan!"]
|
| Mr. Ose: |
Owatta!
|
| Sharon: |
Stan?
|
| Kids: |
Beikoku!
|
| Sharon: |
Stan, it's Mommy! [starts to move with the troops]
|
| Mr. Ose: |
Owatta!
|
| Kids: |
Beikoku!
|
| Mr. Ose: |
Owatta!
|
| Sharon: |
Stanley,-
|
| Kids: |
Beikoku!
|
| Sharon: |
-you need to come home right now.
|
| Mr. Ose: |
Owatta!
|
| Kids: |
Beikoku!
|
| Sharon: |
Mommy misses you.
|
| Mr. Ose: |
Owatta!
|
| Kids: |
Beikoku!
|
| Sharon: |
Stanley, I'm talking to you!
|
| Mr. Ose: |
Owatta!
|
| Kids: |
Beikoku! [Sharon steps in and takes Stan's hand. The
troops gather round, forcing her back] Ooh?
|
| Sharon: |
[pleading] Stan, please, come home!
|
| Stan: |
Kore wa watashi no uchi desu. ["This is my home now."]
|
| Kids: |
So desu nee. ["That's right."]
|
| Mr. Ose: |
Ooh? [resumes his position. Sharon looks betrayed] Do
not worry. Everything isa okay.
|
| Sharon: |
No it's not okay!
|
| Mr. Ose: |
Oh, but-a you have-a such large penis-uh. [behind him,
Stan has a fierce expression on his face]
|
| Sharon: |
What?
|
| Mr. Ose: |
Your penis, WOW! [President Hirohito walks up and slaps
him] O-oh.
|
| President Hirohito: |
What he means is that all men in this town have very
large penis. [all the men smile at the compliment]
|
| Sharon: |
Can't you see what's happening?! They're just using
that talk to distract you! He doesn't really have a small penis!
|
| President Hirohito: |
Misenasai! ["Show them!" Mr. Ose takes down his pants.
The people are shocked, and he pulls them up again.]
|
| Sharon: |
Oh! [the march resumes]
|
| Mr. Ose: |
Owatta!
|
| Kids: |
Beikoku!
|
| Mr. Ose: |
Owatta!
|
| Kids: |
Beikoku!
|
| Gerald: |
Oh God, is there nothing we can do?
|
| Sharon: |
[turns to face the adults] Wait a minute. Wait a
minute, I think I know the answer! I know how to get our kids to stop
liking Chinpokomon! [the last of the troops leaves]
|
| Sheila: |
How?
|
| Sharon: |
Come on! We don't have much time! [leads the adults
away]
|
|
[Washington, DC, the White
House.]
|
| Reporter: |
And now, for a special annoucement from the President
of the United States.
|
| Presidetn Clinton: |
[from the Oval Office]
My fellow Americans, I wish to address the concerns many of us have
over the growing number of Japanese military bases forming in the
United States. The new Japanese emperor, Hirohito, has made our own
children into fighter pilots who will soon fly to Hawaii and attack
Pearl Harbor. I spoke with Mr. Hirohito this morning, and he assured me
that I have a very large penis. He said it was mammoth, dinosauric, and
absolutely dwarfed his penis, which, he assured me, was nearly
microscopic in size. My penis, he said, was most likely one of the
biggest on the planet. I applaud Mr. Hirohito in his honesty. Thank
you.
|
|
[A Japanese military base.
Eighteen planes and 39 troops are seen. The kids stand at attention.
Kyle is missing]
|
| Mr. Ose: |
Your plane will fly autopilot to Pearl Harbor! When you
arrive you will drop many bombs!
|
| Kids: |
Hai, sachoo-san ["Yes, Mr. President." The kids part to
the planes. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny run into the adults]
|
| Stan: |
Nan da kore? ["What's this?!"]
|
| Randy: |
Chinpoko ga dai-suki yoo! ["We're crazy about this
Chinpoko stuff." All the adults carry Chinpokomon now]
|
| Stan: |
What?
|
| Randy: |
Uh we just came to support you. We love Chinpokomon,
too. It's super toy, number 1!
|
| Stan: |
You like it?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
You bet. I think Chinpokoman is chinpokorrific. I got
Shoe.
|
| Liane: |
Come on, Eric. Let's try to battle your Roostor with my
Donkeytron.
|
| Cartman: |
Uh… no, that's okay, Mom.
|
| President Hirohito: |
Whar are they doing?!
|
| Mr. Ose: |
It's a trick!
|
| Randy: |
Hey, Stan, look at my new bumper sticker. ["MY
KID IS A CHINPOKOKID" with a smiling kid's face on the left end, and a
Lambtron on the right. Randy walks to it and kneels to display it]
Isn't that cool?
|
| Stan: |
[holding a Chuchunezumi] No. [the adults laugh, and he
throws the Chuchunezumi away] Screw this, dude. [starts walking out]
|
| Cartman: |
Where are you going, Stan?
|
| Stan: |
Huh, I don't know. Chinpokomon just doesn't seem that
cool anymore. I'm gonna go kill some ants or something. [walks away]
|
| Cartman: |
Wait for me, I wanna get out of these stupid clothes.
[follows]
|
| Other kids: |
Yeah. Me too! Me too. [each
one tosses a Chinpokomon onto a pile and leaves the airfield. A
Lambtron lands on its side and a kid steps on it. The adults cheer.]
|
| President Hirohito: |
[grabbing his head in frustrated disbelief] Ooooh!
|
| Randy: |
Well, you were right, Sharon. The best way to make our
kids not like something is to like it ourselves.
|
| Sharon: |
That's right. Anything we like is instantly not cool.
[turns to Mr. Garrison]
We know how to take them out, Mr. Garrison! Spread the word! Get on the
wire to every parent around the country and tell them how to bring
those sons of bitches down! [he walks over to a telegraph machine and
starts spreading the word]
|
| Stan: |
Hey, Mom, I'm sorry I went a little nutty with that
Chinpokomon stuff. Can I have $5 to buy a football?
|
| Sharon: |
You bet, Stanley! [a fighter plane has left its spot
and appears before the crowd. Kyle is in the cockpit] |
| Kyle: |
Owatta Beikoku! [the adults are stunned]
|
| Sheila: |
Kyle, it's over!
|
| Kyle: |
But I'm gonna be Royal Crown Chinpokomon Master!
|
| Stan: |
[flatly] Dude, Chinpokomon isn't cool anymore.
|
| Kyle: |
What?
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah, dude, that's way over. [some rats are on Kenny,
trying to nibble]
|
| Kyle: |
Dude, you're just jealous because I'm Chinpoko Master! |
| Stan: |
No, Kyle. You see, we learned something
today. This whole Chinpokomon thing happened because we all followed
the group. We only liked Chinpokomon because everyone else did. And
look at the damage it caused.
|
| Kyle: |
So now I should stop liking Chinpokoman because you all
don't?
|
| Stan: |
…Ye-eah.
|
| Kyle: |
But if I stop now, I'll just be going with the group
again. So, to be an individual, I have to bomb Pearl Harbor. See ya.
[moves forward]
|
| Stan: |
Oh. Wait. [walks with the plane] Actually, I was wrong.
You see, Kyle, I learned something, just now. It is good to go with the
group. A group mentality is healthy, sometimes.
|
| Kyle: |
Aw, screw it; I'm too confused. [turns the power off
and hops out of the plane. Mr. Garrison walk away]
|
| Randy: |
Well, I'm sure glad this is all over.
|
| Cartman: |
[sees rats on Kenny and swats them off] Hey, get offa
him! He's not dead yet!
|
|
[The bus stop, next day. The
four boys are waiting. The rats return and crawl all over Kenny]
|
| Cartman: |
Nnno! Get off, you stupid rats! He's not dead yet!
|
| Randy: |
Hey, you guys wanna go to the toy store after school
and get some Spaceman Greg cards?
|
| Kyle: |
Naw, I think I'm through with fads for a while.
|
| Cartman: |
Me, too. [Kenny starts to tremble] I'm choosing my own
toys from now on, 'cause- [Kenny falls and trembles harder. The others
watch] |
| Stan: |
What the-? [Kenny's body rips open and a bunch of rats
crawl out of him.]
|
| Cartman: |
Ooooh-ho-ho-ho, gro-hoss! [Stan and Kyle laugh as
Cartman looks on.]
|
|
[End of Chinpoko Mon] |
