|
[The bus stop, morning.
The boys are dreassed in Union blue. Stan bears the flag, Kyle and
Kenny have fifes, and Cartman carries a drum.]
|
| Stan: |
Ready? 1-2-3-4. [the boys begin to march forward and
play.] |
| Cartman: |
Hey, dude. Do you like to rock?! [answers himself] Yes,
I like to rock! Helloo, Baltimore! |
| Kyle: |
Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
|
| Cartman: |
I'm playing the drum.
|
| Kyle: |
Well, you have to hit it softer!
|
| Cartman: |
You can't just "hit" a drum, you have to beat the shit
out of it! [to the drum, hitting it once in a while] Shut you butthole,
or I'll kick your ass, you fuckin' drum!! [to Kyle] That's how you rock,
dude.
|
| Kyle: |
You're not supposed to rock, you're supposed to keep
the beat!
|
| Cartman: |
I ma keepin' the beat; your flute-playing sucks! |
| Stan: |
That's it, Cartman, you can't be the drummer!
|
| Cartman: |
Ey, I'll get it! |
| Kyle: |
Dude, the Civil War reenactment is tomorrow! You're not
gonna get it by tomorrow!
|
| Cartman: |
Yes I will!
|
| Stan: |
Alright alright. Let's just try it again. 1-2-3-4.
[again, the march and play. Cartman gets carried away and the others
glare at him]
|
| Cartman: |
Go!!! Does Cleveland like to rock?! Go!!! Yes, damnit!
|
| Kyle: |
Cartman!!! [Cartman stops] |
| Cartman: |
What?
|
| Kyle: |
Give me the drum, and you play the flute
|
| Cartman: |
No way! Flutes are totally gay! |
| Kenny: |
[inspects his flute] (Oh. Flutes are gay?) |
| Stan: |
Cartman, I'm the leader of the Reenactment Fife and
Drum Squad, and I say you play the flute!
|
| Cartman: |
Oh! Well, you know what I say?! [drops his drum and
jumps on it] Screw you guys, I'm going home! [walks away, leaving the
drum split in two]
|
| Kyle: |
You dick!
|
| Cartman: |
Later.
|
|
[The South Park Banquet Hall,
8:04 A.M., morning of reenactment. "Welcome Reenacters." People inside
chatter away]
|
| Jimbo: |
Alrighty everyone. We just have a few things to go over
before we head out to the reenactment battlefield. [the townsmen are
dressed in the Blue and the Grey]
First of all, I have great news. There are over 200 folks from around
the state that have come to see this year's reenactment, and that's the
best turnout ever!
|
| Men: |
[jump and cheer] Yes! Woohoo, yea!
|
| Stan: |
Where the hell is Cartman? If he misses the
orientation, they're not gonna lethim in the reenactment. [Kyle and
Kenny are also present]
|
| Kyle: |
He'll show.
|
| Stan: |
He'd better!
|
| Jimbo: |
I'm also very proud to announce that
this year's alcohol sponsor, Jagermin's S'more-flavored Schnapps, the
schnapps with the delightful taste of s'mores.
|
| Men: |
Whoa. Mmm.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Mmm. It does taste like s'mores. |
| Stuart: |
[coughs] Hih yeah, and it's got quite a kick, too.
|
| Jimbo: |
And now, to clarify how the reenctment should unfold,
let's bring up our master historian, Grnandpa Marvin Marsh, [Grandpa
rolls up in his wheelchair amid applause] the only man old enough to
have actually seen the Civil War… reenactment of 1924.
|
| Kyle: |
Wow, dude! Your granpa still isn't dead?
|
| Stan: |
Dude, that's not cool.
|
| Cartman: |
[arrives dressed in the Grey] Good morning, gentlmen.
|
| Stan: |
Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
|
| Kyle: |
Teah! You're dressed up like the South.
|
| Cartman: |
Yes. This year, I've decided to
fight for the glorious South. Screw you guys, home. And may I say that
we're going to whup your ass this time.
|
| Stan: |
You can't just come to a Civil War reenactment dressed
up like General Lee, fatass!
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, really? I'm pretty sure I just did. |
| Grandpa: |
Okay, you all know the rules. You must fire your blanks
into the air, and if someone says they killed ya, you gotta play dead.
|
| Kyle: |
The South loses this battle, Cartman. They lose the
war!
|
| Cartman: |
Nuh uhn, the South is gonna win.
|
| Kyle: |
No they're not, stupid!
|
| Cartman: |
Yes we are!
|
| Kyle: |
How much do you wanna bet?!
|
| Jimbo: |
Now remember, everybody: for a good
reenactment we've got to pretend down to the last detail that we're
really in the Civil War. So when the North wins, all of us on the
Confederate side should act all bummed and depressed. [continues as the
boys speak]
|
| Kyle: |
Come on, Cartman! How much do you wanna bet the South
doesn't win?!
|
| Cartman: |
Well, this war is about slavery, so how about if the
South wins, you two assholes have to be my slaves for a month.
|
| Kyle: |
And if the North wins you're our slave for a month??
|
| Cartman: |
Right.
|
| Kyle: |
You're on!
|
| Cartman: |
Then I shall bid you good morning, gentlemen, and see
you on the battlefield. [walks away]
|
| Stan: |
Hoohoo what a d'humbass!
|
| Cartman: |
Yeahah. He doesn't even know that the South loses the
Civil War.
|
| Stan: |
It's gonna be rad having Cartman be our slave.
|
| Jimbo: |
…And with that, let's all go to Tamarack
Hill and put on a good show!
|
| Men: |
[jump and cheer] Yes! Woohoo, yea!
|
|
["Tamarack Hill," 9:00
A.M. The Reenactment. Bleachers flank Grandpa on either side as the
North and the South face off before him. Each side has set up its camp]
|
| Announcer: |
Welcome to the South Park reenactment of the Battle of
Tamarack Hill. The men in gray are the Confederacy, fron the South
[Butters is there]; in blue are the Union, from the North [Chef is
there, and Kenny has the drum].
|
| Grandpa: |
[addressing the spectators]
It was a cold morning in 1862. The Union Army had to get the bell of
Appmattox down from Tamarack Hill. What ensued was a bloody battle, but
after many hours, the Union Army prevailed. Here now is the reenactment
of that great battle. [blows the whistle]
|
| Jimbo: |
[leading the South] Forward! [The South advances]
|
| Randy: |
[leading the North] Let's bring those Confederate
bastards down! [the North advances, the boys play their tune]
|
| Jimbo: |
Fire! [some guns go off]
|
| His men: |
Yeah!
|
| Randy: |
Alright men, fire! [some guns go off]
|
| His men: |
Yeah! [the battle is joined, and men left and right
begin to drop away. Others scream]
|
| Randy: |
Hey, uh, I shot you, Ned. You have to fall down.
|
| Ned: |
[Jimbo fires a few shots] Ow.
|
| Randy: |
Yeh-hah! [the battle continues, and even a cow gets
into the act]
|
| Man 1: |
[in the stands] Oh, so this is what it was like. [the
battle continues, but now it's hand-to-hand combat. Cartman reaches the
bell and starts to push it down the hill]
|
| Man 2: |
Hey! What's that guy doing?!
|
| Cartman: |
Yippie! Long live the Confederacy!
|
| Soldiers: |
[on both sides] Huh? Wha-?
|
| Grandpa: |
What the hell?
|
| Randy: |
He took the bell!
|
| Gerald: |
He can't do that!
|
| Grandpa: |
The Confederacy doesn't take the bell!
|
| Cartman: |
[skating by on the bell] Hooray for the South!
|
| Stan: |
Cartman, you can't do that!
|
| Grandpa: |
God damnit! Now we have to start over!
|
|
[10:24 A.M., reenactment -
second attempt.]
|
| Jimbo: |
Alrighty everyone. [Cartman walks up] We're going to do
the entire reenactment again, because of some confusion over the bell.
Now, I know you're just trying to help, Eric, but we have to let the
Union capture the bell this time.
|
| Cartman: |
But why? Why should they get the bell?
|
| Jimbo: |
Wuh. Well, 'cause we're supposed to lose. |
| Cartman: |
But we don't have to lose.
|
| Jimbo: |
What??
|
| Cartman: |
[assuming command] Gentlemen, we can win this battle!
[paces]
Sure, we could lose, and tonight we can go back to our families and
say, "We did it! We lost like we were supposed to! Aren't we proud?!"
Or, or we take that hill. We take that hill, and when we stand tall
upon it, we hold our heads high, and we yell, "Not this year! This year
belongs to the Confederaseh!" [some of the men drink schnapps]
|
| Jimbo: |
[takes a swig] By God, he's right!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Jimbo!
|
| Jimbo: |
Yeah, I've been reenacting this war
for 22 years now. And for 22 years us Confederate reenacters have had
to spend the evening being ridiculed and made fun of by the Union
reenacters! Well, I'm sick of it!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Yeah! Why do we have to be their bitches every year?!
|
| Stuart: |
I'm tired of losing this battle!
|
| Jimbo: |
And I say it's high time we kicked some ass! Who's with
me?!
|
| Men: |
Yeah!
|
| Man: |
Yeah! [drops down drunk. Cartman grins]
|
|
[The battlefield]
|
| Grandpa: |
Alright, folks. Sorry for the false start. We're ready
to go again. It was a cold morning in 1862. The Union Army had to-
[turns at the sound of a gun shot and looks at the Confederates charge
down the field]
|
| Confederate 1: |
Yaaaaah!
|
| Confederate 2: |
Come on! Just give up! We're not gonna let you live
another day!
|
| Gerald: |
Uh, what are they doing?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[drunk] You Yankee sons of bitches!
|
| Randy: |
[a Confederate shoots him on the belly] Ow! That hurt!
|
| Grandpa: |
God damnit, what the hell are they doing?!
|
| Kyle: |
What do we do?!
|
| Stan: |
Run for your life, dude! [the boys run off. Cartman
watches from the hell as the battle rages on]
|
| Cartman: |
God bless those men that fight for their freedom. God
bless those men! And God bless the Confederasah!
|
| Soldier: |
Come on!
|
| Randy: |
[tackled by Jimbo] Oh?
|
| Jimbo: |
[pins Randy to the ground] Surrender your men, general!
|
| Randy: |
Jimbo, have you lost your mind?!
|
| Jimbo: |
SURRENDER YOUR MEN, GENERAL!
|
| Randy: |
Alright, alright. We surrender. [the
Union soldiers drop their guns and raise their arms. Stan, Kyle, and
Kenny walk out from behind a tree with their hands up.]
|
| Barbrady |
[in the stands] The South win?
|
| Jimbo: |
The South wins!
|
| Soldiers: |
Yeah, woohoo!
|
| Grandpa: |
God damnit!
|
|
[South Park Banquet Hall, 3:45
p.m. Reenactment after party. The men are all in conversation]
|
| Jimbo: |
[walks up to Randy] Well, we can all be friends now.
[nudges him] Come on, Randy. Have some s'more schnapps. [hands Randy a
bottle]
|
| Randy: |
Uh, I can't be happy. You ruined the reenactment.
|
| Jimbo: |
Aw, come on. Have a little sip. [Randy sips]
|
| Cartman: |
[walks up to Stan and Kyle] So, you guys about ready to
start being my slaves yet?
|
| Kyle: |
You cheated, Cartman!
|
| Stan: |
Yeah, but it doesn't matter, because the bet was that
the South doesn't win the war! And the South still didn't win the war,
dipshit!
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. Too bad you're such a dumbass in history, or you
would have known that!
|
| Cartman: |
[sighs] I hate you guys so much. So very very much. And
this is not over. Not by a long shot. [the men are getting more drunk]
|
| Randy: |
[talking to Stuart with slurred speech] All I'm saying
is that… is is that the Confederates would have just gotten
their asses kicked in Topeka!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
That ain't true! The Confederates would have shupped
ass in Topeka, too!
|
| Bartender: |
Yeah.
|
| Man: |
Yeah.
|
| Gerald: |
You're dreaming!
|
| Cartman: |
[walks up to Jimbo] Perhaps we should take Topeka.
|
| Jimbo: |
Huh?
|
| Cartman: |
They mock us in Kansas, soldier. They think the South
is a joke. They don't respect our authoritah.
|
| Jimbo: |
They don't?!
|
| Cartman: |
No. I say we take Topeka.
|
| Jimbo: |
[to the crowd] You know what? I'll bet we could take
Topeka right now and clear them all around!
|
| Randy: |
Huh?
|
| Stuart: |
That's right! Maybe we should do what the Confederates
would've done and march on to Topeka!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
I'll bet we could!
|
| Jimbo: |
I'll bet we could, too! [pounds on the podium]
|
| Cartman: |
[throwing his voice] I'll bet you can't.
|
| Jimbo: |
[jumps back] What?! [then walks and stnads in front of
the podium] Is that a challenge?! I'll bet we can!
|
| Cartman: |
[fake voice] I'll bet you can't, because you guys are
all pussies!
|
| Jimbo: |
Pussies?! Oh yeah?! Men! It's time to
show the world what the Confederate Army has got! We're gonna take
Topeka once and for all! |
| Man 1: |
Yeah.
|
| Man 2: |
Yeah.
|
| Jimbo: |
[walks to the Union soldiers] All o' you men. You may
have lost in the Union today, but join us now and win back your pride!
|
| Man 3: |
Yeah.
|
| Man 4: |
Yeah.
|
| Randy: |
Well, the Union be damned!
|
| Jimbo: |
Let's go!
|
| Men: |
Yeah! [all walk out]
|
| Cartman: |
[trailing, stops by his friends] Oh! What was our bet
again? Let's see… Yes, I remember. If the South wins you
have to be my slaves for a month.
|
| Kyle: |
They're just drunk, Cartman! As soon as they sober up,
they'll stop.
|
| Cartman: |
Yes. E-e-enjoy your freedon,
gentlemen. Soon, you will be my properteh. Come, Kenny. Come fight for
us, and I'll make sure you get lots of plunder and womens.
|
| Kenny: |
(Woohoo!) [exits with Cartman. The men charge out of
the banquet hall growling]
|
|
[Topeka, Kansas, 7:53
A.M., next morning. A rooster crows. The town goes about its business.
A mailman delivers some mail. A woman opens the school door. A traffic
cop directs traffic. Two kids play catch in front of the school. The
woman returns with the flag and hoists it up on the flagpole, and the
mailman drops by.]
|
| Mailman: |
Oh good morning, Mrs. Hollis.
|
| Mrs. Hollis: |
Hello, Ralph.
|
| Ralph: |
Did you happen to catch that ball gamem last night?
|
| Mrs. Hollis: |
I'm afraid I was grading papers pretty late and- [both
turn in the direction of a rumble. Everyone stops and looks in the same
direction]
|
| Driver: |
What's that noise, officer? [the officer looks, and the
South Park men rise over a hill and charge towards town.]
|
| South Park Men: |
Yeah! Yeah!
|
| Jimbo: |
Ccchhhhaaaarrrrggggeeee!
|
|
[Randy knocks Ralph down with the butt of
his gun. Gerald tackles Mrs. Hollis. Another man prepares a Molotov
cocktail and throws in into a house, then salutes the resulting fire.
Jimbo and Med head for the church, and its congregants rush out
screaming. Stuart aims at the officer and shoots him]
|
| Officer: |
[soothing his ass] Ow!
|
| Stuart: |
Freeze, buddy. These are blanks, but they still hurt
like hell! [the church bell rings. Jimbo is pulling at the rope]
|
| Jimbo: |
It's ours, it's ours! We've taken Topeka!
|
| Men: |
Yeah!
|
| Randy: |
[still holding Ralph] Alright, Yank, tell us where you
keep your Jagermin's S'more-flavored Schnapps?!
|
| Ralph: |
Uh-uh-uh schnapps? Uhm, uh-uh-I guess that would be at
the liquor store.
|
| Randy: |
WHERE?!
|
| Ralph: |
At the liquor store, at the liquor stohohohohore!
|
| Randy: |
[drops Ralph] Come on, boys! [they all rush the store]
|
| Mrs. Hollis: |
[looking on] This is the most bizarre thing I've ever
seen.
|
| Cartman: |
[walks by] Excuse meh.
|
|
[South Park. Stan and Kyle
wait at a regular bus stop]
|
| Stan: |
Dude, my mom is sooo pissed at my dad for going to
Kansas.
|
| Kyle: |
I know, but—why do they have to take it out
on us? Why do we have to wait around for them to come back?
|
| Stan: |
Oh here comes the bus. [a tourist bus. Butters is
behind the doors waiting to come out. The doors open and Butters exits.
The bus leaves] Butters? Are you the only one that came back?
|
| Butters: |
Uh, conuh- [salutes] Confederate Messenger Butters
reporting, sir. I have a message for you from the battlefield. [offers
it]
|
| Stan: |
What battlefield?!
|
| Butters: |
Uh Topeka. We're raisin' all kids of hell, see? [hands
the message to Stan] Eh, it's probably the most fun I've had in several
months. Wuwell, you gonna read your message or not? [Stan opens and
reads the message. A sepia image of Cartman appears]
|
| Cartman: |
Dear guys.
Words cannot express how much I hate you guys. As we
fight our
way northward into the great unknown, only that one thing remains
certain: that I hate you guys with every tired muscle in my Confederate
body. We have taken Topeka, and now I must lolly the men over to
Missouri. Because I will not stop until we have won it all, and you
guys are my slaves. Because, I hate you guys. I hate you guys so very
very much. Yours,
General Cartman Lee |
| Stan: |
[crumples the message into a ball and throws it away]
God damnit, that fat piece of shit!
|
| Kyle: |
Dude! What if Cartman really does succeed? And we
really do have to be his slaves??
|
| Stan: |
That would suck so much ass.
|
| Kyle: |
We have to stop him, dude.
|
| Stan: |
I'll go get my grandpa. He'll help us. Where's the
Confederate Army now, Butters?
|
| Butters: |
Uh-uh, wuh-I ain't supposed to tell you that. If I told
you that, well, why I'd be a, a no-good Yankee son of a bitch.
|
| Kyle: |
We'll give you 10 bucks.
|
| Butters: |
Oh. O-oh, okay.
|
|
[News Report]
|
| Reporter: |
…And she was forced to live off her own
feces for several days. In national news, [the group's entry into
Topeka is shown] a frightening radical group from Colorado is making
its way across the Southern states of Aemrica. [the guy throwing the
Molotov cocktail is shown] The group is recruiting new members in every
town they pass through, and rapidly growing in number. [one last attack
is shown]
So authorities have decided to call in the National Guard. The groups
seems to be led by military mastermind and right-wing radical Jimbo
Kern [he is shown armed], who is known for his guerilla-fighting and
leadership skills.
|
|
[Somewhere…]
|
| Jimbo: |
[now bloated and sluggish] Give me some more s'more
schnapps! I'm gonna be sick. [vomits] Blouach.
|
|
[Chattanooga,
Tennessee, 2:35 P.M. The town is destroyed and in flames. The men revel
in their victory. Stan and Kyle approach the city with Grandpa and look
over it from a hill]
|
| Stan: |
Oh, boy. This is worse than I thought.
|
| Grandpa: |
Well, comem on Billy, we've gotta make these little
peckers stop before they get themselves killed.
|
| Man: |
[running] Aaaaa!
|
| Brunet: |
They say you can either fight them or join them.
|
| Blond: |
Well I'm joining them. Those blanks hurt!
|
| Stan: |
[now in town] Dad, Dad. [Randy appears and stops] Mom
wants you to come home.
|
| Randy: |
Not now, uh Stan, I'm pillaging. [a resident runs by]
Get over here!
|
| Kyle: |
You've got to stop, Dad. If the South wins, me and Stan
have to be Cartman's slaves!
|
| Gerald: |
This is a reenactment, Kyle. My name is Pvt. John
Fugasol, and I have to do what my general tells me!
|
| Jimbo: |
Hey! There's some more schnapps over here!
|
| Gerald: |
More schnapps! [moves towards it]
|
| Sgt. Larsen: |
[the National Guard arrives] I'm Sgt. Larsen of the
National Guard. We're here to stop the terrorists. |
| Grandpa: |
They're not terrorists, they're just a bunch of drunk
wankers from Colorado.
|
| Larsen: |
Well, we can't just shoot 'em; there's innocents and
children about. Dawkins!
|
| Dawkins: |
Sir!
|
| Larsen: |
Fire a warning flare!
|
| Dawkins: |
Yes sir! [launches the flare. The flare goes up in the
air, lands right on Kenny and burns him to a crisp.]
|
| Jimbo: |
Medic! [amid the panic, a medic comes and extinguishes
Kenny.]
|
| Larsen: |
Woops.
|
| Stan: |
Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
|
| Grandpa: |
You bastards!
|
| Kyle: |
Hey!
|
| Soldier: |
[off camera] We can't fire at them, sir. There are too
many children.
|
| Larsen: |
Then how do we stop them?
|
| Stan: |
I know! But we'll have to wait until dark.
|
|
[South Park, Kenny's
house, morning. Mrs. McCormick comes out to pick up the day's mail. She
finds a letter, opens it, and reads… The sepia image of
Cartman returns]
|
| Cartman: |
Dear Ms. McCormick,
It is with a very heavy heart that I must inform
you
that your son Kenny was killed in battle [her brows rise in surprise]
on the morning of November 18, at Ruby Hills Funland in Chattanooga.
This war has taken something from all of us, and, although your son
seems to be the only casualty so far, know that we all share your pain.
Your son did not die in vain. I shall persevere and make Stan and Kyle
my slaves. Because I hate those guys. I hate them so very very much.
Yours,
General Cartman Lee
|
|
[The Confederate camp. The men
relax and talk. Stan, Kyle, Grandpa, and Larsen sneak in…]
|
| Stan: |
There, you see? We take the s'more schnapps, and by
morning they're all gonna wanna go home.
|
| Grandpa: |
Nice thinkin', Billy.
|
| Larsen: |
Let's go. [they proceed to carry the schnapps away]
|
| Jimbo: |
[enters Cartman's tent] Where to next, General?
|
| Cartman: |
[with pipe in mouth] Where did the Confederates go,
son?
|
| Jimbo: |
Well, I guess uh Fort Sumter in South Carolina. That's
where the Civil War really escalated.
|
| Cartman: |
Ah, splendid. Then to Fort Sumter we shall go.
|
| Jimbo: |
Welluh, that sounds great. I'm gonna get some s'more
schnapps. You want anything?
|
| Cartman: |
[turns around] Yeah. Can I get some of those animal
cookies? Those frosty ones with the sprinkles on 'em. |
| Jimbo: |
Um, sure. [exits to get some
schnapps. He lifts a case and removes the lid, but finds the case
empty. He takes a second case and again finds it empty] What the-? Ey,
where's the s'more schnapps?
|
| Randy: |
[with a guitar] We're out of s'more schnapps?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[checks his empty bottle] That can't be.
|
| Jimbo: |
I guess we drank it all.
|
| Dawkins: |
Now what?
|
| Stan: |
Now we just wait until morning. Check-mate, Cartman.
Pretty soon, you're gonna be our slave.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah.
|
|
[The Confederate camp, 7:29
A.M., next morning, 7 hours without schnapps.]
|
| Soldier 1: |
Uugh.
|
| Soldier 2: |
Ouch.
|
| Randy: |
[exits his tent] Oh, my head.
|
| Gerald: |
Where am I?
|
| Jimbo: |
[sits next to Ned on a bench] Ned, I think I can say
without any doubt that that was the longest drinking binge we've ever
had.
|
| Ned: |
Mmm-oh. Gmm-oh, my head.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[rises in his sleeping bag behind Stuart] Oh no, I'm
supposed to be at work today.
|
| Stuart: |
Me, too.
|
| Jimbo: |
[stands] Well, come on everybody. We've got to get to
the nearest bus station, quick.
|
| Cartman: |
[at his tent entrance] Where are you going?
|
| Jimbo: |
We're goin' home kid. Come on. [walks off]
|
| Cartman: |
We can't go home, we have to take Fort Sumter! [Randy
stops by]
|
| Randy: |
Uh, the only thing we have to do is get home before our
wives leave us.
|
| Cartman: |
[watching the sober Confederates walk away] No! What
about the Confederasuh?! What about freedom?!
|
| Stan: |
[rushes up with Kyle and Grandpa] Haha! You lose,
fatass!
|
| Cartman: |
God, I hate you guys!
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah, but you know? I think you've learned something
today. You've learned that you can't rewrite history. [Cartman eyes a
phone…] You see, history is forever, […and an
empty schnapps case next to it] and everything happens for a reason.
[Cartman turns and walks] Sure, you can try and change the past, but
usually you kno-
|
| Stan: |
Where are you going?
|
| Cartman: |
This isn't over! Oh no! Oh no, not by a long shot!
[Stan and Kyle just look at each other]
|
|
[The long march
home… The group is in a meadow.] |
| Randy: |
Ogh. I don't believe we came all the way out here.
|
| Jimbo: |
Yeah? Well, I don't think the bus station is too far
from here.
|
| Stuart: |
Uh, how much do you think a bus ticket back to Colorado
is gonna run? [two
schnapps trucks pull up and the drivers drop down. They head to the
rears of the trucks and start unloading case after case of Jagermin's]
|
| Suzette: |
Allo, I am Suzette, the S'more Schnapps girl. [Cartman
gets out of the truck and walks up behind her] We are pleased to
sponsor you with all the S'more Schnapps you need.
|
| Randy: |
Awgh, I can't drink anymore of that stuff.
|
| Gerald: |
Me neither. |
| Cartman: |
Uh uh come uh, come on, guys. Just one little drink. Uh
a toast to how far you came and all that you saw.
|
| Suzette: |
Yes, please. Do a shot out of my breasts. [pours two
bottles into her cleavage]
|
| Jimbo: |
Well, uh I guhess one little cheers is in order.
|
|
[Soon, the men are drunk again
and having a good time.]
|
| Jimbo: |
Hey, look! Ned's doin' his trick again! [Ned tumbles by
wearing a fancy lampshade]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[rushes up] Hey, guys. Let's all play a game of "grab
ass."
|
| Gerald: |
What's "grab ass?"
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
You know. We just run around in circles and try to grab
each other's asses.
|
| Randy: |
Ey, that sounds fun. [grabs Mr. Garrison's ass]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Hohoho.
|
| Solders: |
I got you. Oo-oh. [the men laugh and chase each other
around trying to grab asses here and there]
|
| Cartman: |
[intervenes] Gentlemen! I hate to break up the party,
but I believe we have a fort to take.
|
| Jimbo: |
You heard the General.
|
| Soldiers: |
Yeah! [all charge out. Empty schnapps cases litter the
field]
|
| Stan: |
[reaches the scene a bit late] Oh, no.
|
| Kyle: |
We'll never stop them now.
|
|
[The March of War.
Chattanooga, Tennessee, is struck, then Atlanta, Georgia; then eastern
and southeastern Alabama, then Orlando, Florida. The group is on a log
ride]
|
| Soldiers: |
Woohoo!
|
| Cartman: |
Yes! Yes!
|
|
[Southeast Georgia is struck,
then Darling County, South Carolina.]
|
|
[Fort Sumter, day. A tour is
taking place.]
|
| Guide: |
Throughout 1861 the Confederate
authorities tried to drive out the Union occupants of Fort Sumter
peacefully. But Abraham Lincoln's administration would not surrender
the fort to the Confederates, so Jefferson Davis decided to take
action.
|
| Tourist: |
And the Confederates won the fort?
|
| Guide: |
Yes. [turns and leads the group to the gates]
Imagine what it must have been like: you're a Union soldier stationed
at this fort, and one day, you look out and see thousands of
Confederates ready to pounce on you. [the group stares in awe at the
thousands of Confederates just outside the gate. The guide turns to
see…] Uh…
|
| Cartman: |
Take the fort!
|
| Jimbo: |
Charge!
|
| Men: |
Yeah! [they enter] Woohoo, yeah, come on!
|
| Jimbo: |
We got it! The fort is ours! [a cannon blast knocks
Randy down]
|
| Randy: |
What was that?? [the National Guard has caught up with
the Confederates and now surrounds the fort.]
|
| Larsen: |
[on the bullhorn] Attention
political activists: you are on government historical document
property! Surrender the document with your hands up! If you would like
a tour of the fort, one can be arranged through the South Carolina
Chamber of Commerce.
|
| Stan: |
[takes the bullhorn] Give up, fatass! There's over a
hundred National Guards down here.
|
| Cartman: |
Suck my ass!
|
| Jimbo: |
What do we do, General? We're outnumbered.
|
| Cartman: |
We asked the State of South Carlina for recruits. The
reenforcements are bound to show up.
|
| Larsen: |
Alright, that does it. Blow the whole thing up.
|
| Stan: |
No, you can't do that. Our dads are there.
|
| Larsen: |
Sorry, son. We tried it your way; now we do it our way.
Prepare the mortar.
|
| Elderly Voice: |
Hold it right there! [The camera zooms out to show the
rowdy reenforcements converge on Stan, Kyle, Grandpa, and the National
Guard]
|
| Jimbo: |
Wow, look at that! The entire state of South Carolina
showed up! [other men grin with joy]
|
| Cartman: |
I knew they would!
|
| Stan: |
Aw, damnit!
|
| Leader: |
[saluting] We're ready to fight with ya. Long live the
Confederacy!
|
| Men: |
Yee-haw! All right!
|
| Cartman: |
Now our numbers are truly great. It is time. It is time
to march to Washington D.C.!
|
|
[Washington D.C., 7:45
A.M., next day. The group has entered the city and are protesting
outside the white house. The Million Confederate March?]
|
| Jimbo: |
Hey, government! You can't ignore our anguished cries
anymore! You hear that?! You Government?! [Clinton looks out the window
with two advisors]
|
| Al Gore: |
Oh boy, this doesn't look good.
|
|
[the three men turn away from
the window]
|
| Advisor: |
It's just like the Million Man March, except that there
actually are a million people.
|
| Aide: |
Mr. President! A message for you from the extremists!
[Clinton reads:]
|
| Cartman: |
Dear Mr. President:
There are times when humans
can no longer endure their government's authoritah. You must declare
the Confederaceh its own
nation so that we may enter into a new millennium of prosperitah. If
you do not meet our demands, we will be forced to show the videotapes
we have of you with Marisa Tomei. |
| Clinton: |
Oh, dear God! Wuh-we have to meet their demands.
|
| Advisor: |
What?? Sir, there's- there's not that many of them.
|
| Al Gore: |
As Vice-Persident, I think we'd better give them what
they want. It's just the Southern states; who really needs them?
|
| Clinton: |
My hands are tied. Tell General Lee that I'll meet him
in front of the Capitol.
|
| Aide: |
[salutes] Sir!
|
| Al Gore: |
I'm so glad I don't have your job. [Clinton is
surprised]
|
|
[back outside in the raucous
crowd]
|
| Stan: |
Dude, let's just give up right now and accept that we
have to be Cartman's slaves.
|
| Grandpa: |
Damnit, Billy, this isn't about you havin' to be
slaves! This is about history! We can't let them change it!
|
| Stan: |
Well, we've tried everything, Grandpa. What else can we
do?
|
| Grandpa: |
Wait a munute! They're all still
doing a reenactment. What we have to do is play into that. Come on,
Billy. You boys need a quick history lesson! [wheels away]
|
|
[The Capitol, later. President
Clinton is at a table on the Capitol with Gore and others]
|
| Clinton: |
All right, I'm gonna sign the document declarin' the
Confederacy winners of the Civil War.
|
| Confederates: |
[exulting] Hooray!
|
| Jimbo: |
[to Cartman] Boy, we really got the President by the
balls. Good thing you have that videotape of him and Marisa Tomei.
|
| Cartman: |
I don't. I made it up. [Kyle and Stan approach Clinton
as Lincoln and Davis, respectively]
|
| Jimbo: |
Hey! Who's that?!
|
| Kyle: |
Hello. I'm Abraham Lincoln, President of the United
States.
|
| Stan: |
Yes, and I'm Jefferson Davis, President of the
Confederacy. |
| Clinton: |
Boy, this just keeps getting weirder, doesn't it?
|
| Cartman: |
What the hell are you guys doing?!
|
| Jimbo: |
Ey, General, he's reenacting Jefferson Davis! You can't
talk that way to a superior officer!
|
| Stan: |
Men, I want you all to know that as President of the
Confederacy, I am hereby surrendering.
|
| Cartman: |
What?!
|
| Kyle: |
Well, as Abraham Lincoln, I accept your
surrender, and agree to your conditions. You and all the Confederates
will have all the S'more Schnapps you can drink for a year.
|
| Confederates: |
Wow!
|
| Randy: |
A whole year?
|
| Jimbo: |
All right! Well, I think we got what we wanted.
|
| Clinton: |
That's it? I-I don't have to sign this thing? [Kyle and
Stan turn to each other and shake hands]
|
| Gerald: |
Hey, come on. We should take a tour of the Smithsonian
before we head back.
|
| Cartman: |
No! We still have to fight!
|
| Jimbo: |
[stops] Lincoln and Davis signed the treaty, General.
The war is over.
|
| Cartman: |
NOOO!!
|
| Stan: |
[walks over with Kyle] It's finally over, Cartman. You
lost!
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. And now you can stake that stupid beard off!
[tugs at it until it pulls off]
|
| Cartman: |
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- [the
camera zooms out for a view of the city, then the planet, then the
Milky Way, then the binary-star system of Marklar, the Marklars
themselves, then another planet, then the aliens seen so often
before…] -AAAH!
|
| Clinton: |
[walks up and genuflects behind Stan and Kyle, patting
each of them on the shoulder] Boys, as President of the United States,
I want to commend you for stopping the rebel uprising.
|
| Stan: |
Don't touch me. [Clinton stands up]
|
| Kyle: |
Well Cartman, the South lost! That mean you're our
slave for a month!
|
| Cartman: |
Damnit! Damnit, I was so close! Damnit!
|
| Stan: |
Now, the first thing I want you to do for us is-
|
| Cartman: |
Wait a minute! I don't have to be your slave.
|
| Kyle: |
What??
|
| Cartman: |
The North still won the Civil War! That means slavery
is abolished!
|
| Clinton: |
Eh, he's right, boys. Slavery is illegal and immoral,
partially in thanks to the North winning the Civil War.
|
| Stan: |
Awwww!
|
| Cartman: |
Hahahaha haa ha!
|
| Stan: |
Aw, the hell with it. Let's go home. [he and Kyle walk
away with Grandpa] Thanks a lot, Bill Clinton!
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. Thanks, dick!
|
|
[End of The Red Badge Of
Gayness] |
