Squeezin' 'tween your festive buns.

[A boy dances on his ass on the toilet]
A present from down below,

[Timmy dances with some kids]
Spreading joy with a

But if you eat fiber on Christmas Eve,
He might come to your town.

[a boy has made a Hankeyman and added smudges of real poo]

[pops out from behind the bushes] HOWDY HO!
I'm Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo.
Season's greetings to all of you.
Let's sing songs and dance and play

[moves in between two kids and holds hands with them]
Now, before I melt away

[hops onto Timmy and kisses his cheek]
Here's a game I like to play:

[skips onto every open mouth]
Stick me in your mouth and try to say,

Okay, Ike. You're my little brother, so I have to show you how to celebrate a Channukah. [picks it up] This is called a dreidel. You spin it and see where it lands. And you sing this song:[begins to dance]

I have a little dreidel; I made it out of clay.
And when it's dry and ready, with dreidel I shall play. Hoh,
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay.
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I shall play.

[gives the dreidel to Ike. Cartman walks in]

O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,
wie treu sind deine Blätter.
O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,

[little Hitler is lifted up to put a star atop the Christmas tree]
wie treu sind deine Blätter.
De grünst nicht nur zur Sommerzeit,

[little Hitler beans a Jewish boy down with a snowball]
Nein, auch im Winter, wenn es schneit.

[Little Hitler looks at trees, and has visions of marching soldiers. He salutes.]
O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum,
wie treu sind deine Blätter.

[live Nazi footage is superimposed on the fire. Hitler breaks down]

String up the lights and light up the tree.

[…and the man tied to it]
We're gonna meke some reverly!
Spirits are high, so I can tell,

[two of the damned stand up and dance]
It's Christmas Time in hell.

Demons are nicer as you pass them by.

[passes them in front of Azrael's Toys]
There's lots of demon toys to buy.
The snow is falling, and all is well.

[a volcano behind the store erupts]
It's

There goes Jeffrey Dahmer with a festive Christmas ham.

[Dahmer walks out of a meat store and into the house next door]
After he has sex with it, he'll eat up all he can.
And there goes John F. Kennedy caroling with his son.

[they stop by to sing with him]

Even Mao Tse Tung is under the spell

[Mao is making a snow angel]

God cast me down from heaven's door

[hops into a mining car and moves. Two demons man the front car]
To rule in hell forevermore.
But now I'm kinda glad that I fell,

Here's a rack to hang the stockings on

[…the type of rack with a man stretched out on it]

There's Princess Diana holding burning mistletoe
Over poor Gene Siskel's head; just watch his weenie grow.

[She does hold the mistletoe; Gene takes her down and makes love to her]

For one day we all stop burning, and the flames are not so thick.

[a demon turns down the flames]
All the screaming and the torture stops as we wait for Ol' Saint Nick! So,

[Satan sets some cookies on a small table; a demon brings him an armchair]
String up the lights and light up the tree.

[with him are Mao, Gene, Diana, JKF Sr. and Jr., and Dahmer]
We're damned for all eternity.
Bur for just one day all is well.
It's Christmas Time in hell!!!

Gather close together and make it quick!
We gotta make room for Andy Dick.

[shows the picture]

[slowing, takes away the set] Wake his mother and ring the bell. It's

[three demons dress Satan in a green cape and Santa cap]

And
O Holy Night, the stars are brightly shining

[The Star of the Nativity appears, then the Three Wise Men]
It is the night of our dear Savior's b-b-bir-birth

[The Nativity and Cartman are seen in the background, Formal Cartman vanishes]
O Holy Night, the- something something distant.

[Formal Cartman before a starry sky]
It is the night with the Christmas trees and pie.

[Present-day Cartman finishes decorating the tree, helps himself to a pie]
Jesus was born, and so I get presents.

[Little Drummer Cartman stands before the manger scene, Present-day Cartman is seen tearing into his gifts back at home.]
Thank you, Jesus, for being born. (Wo-o-o-o-o)

[back at the manger, Little Drummer Cartman turns to look at Baby Jesus.]
Fall (Fall) [four angels appear behind Formal Cartman]
On your knees (On your knees) [Cartman falls on his knees]
And hear (Can't you hear)
The angels'…something (Voices)
O night (O night) [Present-day Cartman tosses in bed, which is covered in candy canes]
Divine (Divine)
[Formal Cartman] The night
When I get presents (O-o)

[at the manger, Little Drummer Cartman takes the gifts meant for Jesus]
O night (O o-night) [loads them up on his camel, with other presents]
Divine! [Present-day Cartman rips into more presents at home]
[Formal Cartman] O night (Ooo-ooo)
O night divine! [Little Drummer Cartman leads the gift-laden camels away]

Oh. Ch.

Now, pay attention. Ahem…
I heard there is no Christmas in the silly Middle East

[points it out]
No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus; They have different religious beliefs
They believe in Muhammad, and not in our holiday.

[shows some Arabic writing]
And so, every December I go to the Middle East and say,

[tosses the picture away]

[In the Middle East]
Hey there, Mr. Muslim, Merry Fuckin' Christmas!
Put down that book the Koran, and hear some holiday wishes

[rips the Koran out of the Muslim's hand and dresses him up as a tree]
In case you haven't noticed, it's Jesus's birthday

[removes the veils of two women, who turn out ugly]
So get off your heathen Muslim ass and fuckin' celebrate.

[sticks a candy cane in the man's house]

There is no holiday season in India, I've heard.

[pulls down a chart showing India's demerits.]
They don't hang up their stockings, and that is just absurd.

[Stan and Kyle look at each other and shrug]
They've never read a Christmas story, they don't know what Rudolph is about.

[holds up a book: "The Night Before Christmas"]
And that is why in December I'll go to India and shout,

[In India, next to a swami sitting on a bed of nails]
Hey there, Mr. Hinduist, Merry Fuckin' Christmas!
Drink eggnog and eat some beef, and pass it to the Missus.

[gives beef to one man, pours eggnog on another]
In case you haven't noticed, it's Jesus's birthday.

[wraps a few people in Christmas lights]
So get off your heathen Hindu ass and fuckin' celebrate.

[passes out wreaths]

Now, I heard that in Japan everyone just lives in sin.
They pray to several gods and put needles in their skin.

[on the chalkboard, a drawing of a Japanese man with needles stuck into him]
On Decemer 25th all they do is eat a cake.
And that is why I go to Japan and walk around and say,

Hey there, Mr. Shintoist!, Merry Fuckin' Christmas!
God is gonna kick your ass, you infidelic pagan scum.
In case you haven't noticed, there's festive things to do.

[throws some straw on the musicians]
So let's all rejoice for Jesus, and Merry Fuckin' Christmas to you

[knocks down the Shintoist and dumps gifts on him, and wraps others in lights]

[dressed as Santa, dances around the class]
On Christmas Day, I travel around the world and say,
"Taoists, Krishnas, Buddhists, and all you atheists, too!
Merry Fuckin' Christmas to you."

[Mr. Hat claps]
Uh uh thank you, Mr. Hat.

I saw three ships come sailing in
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
I saw three ships come sailing in

[Stan sticks out his tongue and wiggles his hands on his ears]
On Christmas Day, in the morning.

[Kyle pulls the ends of his lips apart and goes cock-eyed]
And what was in those ships, all three?

[Stan starts to slurp on his figners, then the boys chuckle]
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
And what- [turns and points at them]

The Virgin Mary and Christ were there

[Stan mimics Shelley with exaggerated expression, Kyle stifles a laugh]
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day

[Kyle cracks up]
The Virgin Mary and- Shut up, TURDS! [The boys cover their mouths. Kyle burps]
-Christ were there
On Christmas Day, in the morning.

Let us all rejoice, amain,

[Stan pulls his cap over his face, Kyle flaps his ear flaps]
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day

[the boys burst our laughing]
And let- [walks to the boys]

I told you to shut up! [Stan burps]
[back at the piano] -us all rejoice, amain,
On Christmas Day, in the morning.

[the boys make faces again]
Shelley is starting to get pissed

[the boys begin to chuckle]
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day

[the chuckle get louder]
Shelley got up and killed the turds

[the laughs roll out]
On Christmas Day, in the

Joy to the world, for I have come.
Let earth receive Me!
Let every heart prepare Me room. [gets some applause]

Up on the housetop reindeer pause
Out comes good old… me. [get some applause]
Down through the chimney with lots of toys
All for the little ones' Christmas joys

Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand
Just like that river twistin' through the dusty land.

Leett it snow, let it snow, let it snow. [more applause]

The lights are turned way down low, so
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

[Santa: Snow… snow…snow.]

[the club claps enthusiastically. The pianist winks at the duo and points at them. Jesus points back, and Santa holds up a thumb]

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
May your heart be light
From now on, our troubles will be out of sight.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the Yuletide gay. [hops out of the bowl]
From now on, our troubles will be miles away.

[hops onto a ham as a family of four looks on, leaves his mark, then hops onto his armchair]

[In the next scene Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny join him. Clips of Wendy, Sheila, the Mayor, Ms. Crabtree, and Liane follow.]
Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.

[The females join Stan and Kyle: Wendy, Shelley, Sheila, Liane, Mrs. McCormick, Nurse Gollum, Principal Victoria, the Mayor, Sharon, and Ms. Crabtree.]
Faithful friends who are dear to us

[Cartman strokes Mr. Kitty. Stan and Kyle decorate the chandelier]
Gather near to us once more.

[Mr. Hankey hops onto Santa's shoulder as Jesus looks on]

Through the years we all will be together

[the boys embrace shoulders and stand united]
If the Fates allow.

[the chandelier drops on Kenny and the others back away, shocked]

Hang a shining star above the highest bough.

[Kyle lifts Mr. Hankey up to do this. Sharon hugs and kisses Stan. JFK and Hitler approach the fireplace and embrace]

And have yourself a merry little Christmas now.

[Some of the characters in the other songs come in and smile:

Sheila, Gerald, Ike, Mr. Mackey in a bell, Satan, Jimmy the mailman Jesus, Santa, Hitler, Mr. Garrison in Santa outfit, and Shelley.
Kyle climbs down from the ladder with Mr. Hankey in hand and stands with Stan and Cartman, and rats rush in to chew on Kenny.]