|
[The Mayor's office, day.
The mayor is at her desk, flanked by her assistants. Before her are
Chef and Jimbo. The meeting starts]
|
| Mayor: |
Gentlemen, I understand you are here
to present both sides of an issue. I wanna hear you both out and do
this in a civil and constructive manner so that I can give you both the
time and attention you deserve. Jimbo, why don't you begin?
|
| Jimbo: |
Mayor, it's about the South Park flag.
|
| Mayor: |
[instantly exasperated] Oh, Jesus Christ, not this
again!
|
| Jimbo: |
We cannot change the South Park flag, Mayor!
|
| Chef: |
Mayor, as I've said before, I find that flag to be
racist and insensitive!
|
| Jimbo: |
Chef, I respect you very much, but you have to
understand that this has been the South Park flag since some of our
ancestors, like my great-grandfather, founded this land!
|
| Chef: |
That flag represents a time when blacks were persecuted
by whites! How can a black man not be bothered by it?!
|
| Mayor: |
Ahalright, Chef, I'll have my assistants hold up the
flag. [the one with the bang goes to get it] and you tell me what
exactly you find racist about it. [the
assistant returns and gives one end to Johnson. They unfurl the flag
between them. The flag shows a black figure dangling from a hangman's
noose, and two white figures on either side of him rejoicing. "South
Park" is written underneath]
|
| Chef: |
You don't see anything wrong with that flag?!
|
| Jimbo: |
Chef, what about the baseball team, the Cleveland
Indians, huh? Should they change their name because it's racist?
|
| Chef: |
Yeah!
|
| Jimbo: |
No, because it's their history!
|
| Chef: |
Look, I have gone to every quiet protest I could! I
have written everyone; I've put up signs! But now I'm telling you
[points to the mayor and emphasizes], THIS FLAG WILL BE CHANGED!
|
| Jimbo: |
And I'm telling you it WON'T!
|
| Mayor: |
[rolls her eyes] Oh, boy.
|
|
[South Park Elementary, day.
The class bell rings and the kids are in their seats. Timmy is now
shown with the class.]
|
| Mr. Wyland: |
Okay, children, in Mr. Garrison's
absence, I would like to turn the class's attention to current issues.
Some people think the South Park flag should be changed, while others
believe that changing the flag is wrong. I think this is a perfect
subject for your debate club.
|
| Class: |
[Timmy stays quiet] Aaaaah!
|
| Mr. Wyland: |
I see that you've already had a lot of interesting
debates this year. [points to a chart with three debates on it]
Pro-Choice vs. Cartman, Pro-Gun Control vs. Cartman, a-and People
Against the Clubbing of Baby Seals vs. Cartman. And apparently, the
winner of all your debates so far has been… Cartman.
|
| Cartman: |
Thaaat's ri-ight.
|
| Kyle: |
Cartman doesn't always win! He just gets pissed off and
goes home so we can't debate anymore!
|
| Class: |
[including Timmy] Yeah.
|
| Cartman: |
Nah-ah! I'm just a better debater than you guys!
|
| Stan: |
You don't even know what you're debating about half the
time! |
| Cartman: |
Yes I do!
|
| Craig: |
No you don't!
|
| Cartman: |
Oh yeah?! Well, screw you guys, I'm going home! [rises
from his seat, heads for the door, and exits]
|
| Kyle: |
Told ya.
|
| Mr. Wyland: |
Alright, children, well, unlike Mr. Garrison, I want
you all to go out and research this debate before we pick teams.
Tomorrow, you'll need to choose which side of this poignant debate you
are on. [the class stares back blankly]
|
|
[Jimbo and Ned's lodge, after
school. They're sitting on the front porch.]
|
| Jimbo: |
This is about history, kids. [Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and
two others are present] If you don't have respect for your past, then
you can never expect to- BIRD! [he and Ned each take a shot at it, and
it tumbles away, falling dead on the read behind the boys] -then you
can never expect to have a future. Nowadays, everyone wants to change
mascots and flags because they're not [does quotes with his left index
and middle finger]
"politically correct." Well, where does it end? I mean, people are
gonna start sayin' that the Denver Broncos are offensive to horses. And
then we'll have to- a SQUIRREL! [He and Ned take shots at it, and it
falls dead from its branch]
Aand then we'll have to change everything, and pretty soon all our
history will be forgotten. But to REALLY understand the South Park's
flag's importance, you need to know about South Park's history. Ned
here's a big history buff, and he can tell you the whole story. Ned?
|
| Ned: |
Nnneh, in 1867, fourteen pioneers from the East Coast
traveled across the Plains-
|
| Stan: |
Uh that, that's okay, dude, I think we got it.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah, we got it.
|
| Jimbo: |
You sure?
|
| Stan, Kyle: |
Yup.
|
| Jimbo: |
You boys go make me proud now and win that debate-
Chris Peterson! [he and Ned fire away, and Chris yells and dodges the
bullets, then runs off] God-damnit, we missed him again!
|
|
[South Park
Supermarket, after school. Chef is at the entrance with a petition in
his hands. With him are Wendy, Bebe, Clyde, and Butters. Some folks
head for the store…]
|
| Chef: |
Sign up to join me, and come marchng to the Mayor's
office in protest of the South Park flag! [the shoppers brush on by and
enter the store, and the doors close] You see that, children?! Nobody
wants to get involved! [the doors open and Randy Marsh walks out with a
bag of groceries. Chef notices] Randy! Sign up to march with me against
the South Park flag on Wednesday?
|
| Randy: |
Oh, uuhh, look, Chef, you know I'm-m not a racist, but
uh, I just don't really feel strongly one way or another about the
flag.
|
| Chef: |
Well, alright, Marsh, you're entitled to your own
opinion. [Randy walks away and Chef looks at the kids] That's how it is
in this town. I haven't gotten one signature on this damn sheet, and
I've been here all day!
|
| Wendy: |
We'll march with you, Chef.
|
| Chef: |
That's nice, but I need the support of some registered
voters. [Mr. Mackey walks out with some groceries. Chef stops him] Ey,
Mackey! Sign up to march on Wednesday?
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Oo, Wednesday? Uh-Wednesday's tough. I guess- maybe I
could do somthin' uh, Thursday afternoon.
|
| Chef: |
Alright, fudge it, Thursday. Anyone else wanna go
Thursday?
|
| Principal Victoria: |
[arrives] Thursday's no good, we've got chior council.
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Oh, yeah.
|
| Principal Victoria: |
What about next Sunday?
|
| Chef: |
Fine! Next Sunday!
|
| Man 1: |
You mean, during the ball game?
|
| Man 2: |
Oh, yeah. We can't do Sunday. |
| Chef: |
Monday??
|
| Principal Victoria: |
Oh, I can't do Monday.
|
| Man 3: |
[arrives] I could do Tuesday.
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Yeah, Tuesday morning's good.
|
| Man 1: |
You know what would be better for me is Saturday
afternoon.
|
| Man 2: |
Saturday is perfect for me.
|
| Principal Victoria: |
Yeah. How about Saturday at 11:30?
|
| Man 3: |
Mm hmm.
|
| Man 2, Woman 2: |
Yeah.
|
| Man 1: |
Yeah.
|
| Man 3: |
That sounds good.
|
| Man 2: |
Mm hmm.
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Yeah, I think that's the best day.
|
| Chef: |
Okay! On Saturday, we march!
|
| Man 2: |
Oh, march? What are we marching for?
|
| Chef: |
To bring down the South Park Flag!
|
| Man 2: |
…Oh. [the adults begin to disperse]
|
| Man 3: |
Oohh, I gotta go.
|
| Man 1: |
I know what I may like. I dont like marching
|
| Woman 2: |
Uh, marching's really not for me.
|
| Man 2: |
See you later.
|
|
[South Park Elementary,
next day. Mr. Wyland's class. He's at the chalkboard tallying up the
votes. There are eight votes on each side of the board: eight on the
left for "FLAG SHOULD CHANGE," eight on the right for "FLAG SHOULD STAY
THE SAME"]
|
| Mr. Wyland: |
Well I've counted up all your
secret ballots, childen, and it look like about half of you think the
flag should stary, and half think the flag should be changed.
|
| Wendy: |
How could any of you think that flag should stay the
way it is?!
|
| Mr. Wyland: |
Save it for the debate, Wendy.
Now I'm going to assign the debate leaders. Who wants to lead the "Flag
Should Stay The Way It Is" team?
|
| Stan, Kyle: |
Me. Me. Me. Me.
|
| Wendy: |
[upset] Stan?! How could you be so insensitive?!
|
| Stan: |
Whoa, dude, I don't see anything wrong with that flag.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah, me neither.
|
| Mr. Wyland |
Alright. Stan and Kyle, [turns and writes on the board]
you can both be the team leaders for the "Flag should stay the way it
is" team. [turns around. Their names are there now] Now, who wants to
lead the "Flag should be changed" team? [an angry Wendy raises her
hand. Cartman looks over at her, then raises his hand and chuckles]
Okay, Wendy and Eric can team up. [writes their names on the board] |
| Wendy: |
[mortified] Nooo! [Cartman chuckles some more]
|
| Mr. Wyland: |
Alright, children. Do your homework, and let's get
ready for a great debate!
|
|
[South Park Elementary,
cafeteria. Kids enjoy their meals. Craig enters the kitchen, followed
by Stan, Kyle, Butters, and someone else]
|
| Stan, Kyle: |
Hello, Chef. |
| Chef: |
[in a foul mood] My name isn't Chef anymore, children.
I've converted to Islam.
|
| Stan: |
Islam??
|
| Chef: |
From now on, my name is [points to his apron] Abdul
Mohammed Jabar [points to the rest of his name on a sign held by an
Arab assistant] Rauf Kareem Ali. [proceeds with preparing the trays]
With everyone in town so insensitive about the flag, I find it no
longer fitting to use my slave name!
|
| Stan: |
Well, we need help with our debate club. We have to
explain why we think the flag should not be changed.
|
| Chef: |
You WHAT?! [plants his fists on the counter] You don't
think they should change the flag?!
|
| Kyle: |
Not really.
|
| Stan: |
Yeah, we don't see what the big deal is.
|
| Chef: |
[moves to his right and sets the ladle and a pot down]
Well, that figures you don't! Because your cracker-ass parents turned
you into little cracker-ass cracker-racists! I never thought I'd live
to see this many of the people I considered friends turn against me!
|
| Stan: |
But Chef, we don't know what you're talking about.
|
| Chef: |
But nothin'! [picks up the ladle and throws it down]
"But" my ass! Fix your own damn food! [hurries out, and his assistand
quickly follows. Stan and Kyle look at each other, confused]
|
|
[South Park Elementary,
school library. Wendy has assembled her team and leads them through
preliminary items. In her team are Bebe, Clyde, Butters, Token, Kevin,
and three others. Cartman is not there yet.]
|
| Wendy: |
Okay. Now, in order for us the debate
to change the South Park flag, we will need to do a lot of research.
Now, my plan is to divide up into three research teams. We will present
our arguments based on things that w-
|
| Cartman: |
[enters] It's okay, I'm here.
|
| Wendy: |
[glares at him for a few seconds] Nice of you to show
up! We were just discussing how we should state our case. |
| Cartman: |
[begins pacing] Yes. This is a difficult case. In order
to win the debate, we will need to attack Stan and Kyle's credibility.
|
| Wendy: |
[stunned] What??
|
| Cartman: |
That's how you win these things: attack your opponents'
credibility! [starts barking orders] Butters! Take some kids and go dig
up whatever dirt you can on Kyle's past. I'm talkin' booby magazines,
whatever.
|
| Butters: |
Wwuhuh-o-kay! [hops off his chair. Wendy watches him
leave]
|
| Cartman: |
The rest of you, go get the goods on
Stan! His mom grounded him once for setting something on fire. Let's
find out what that something was, and then lie and say it was a puppy.
|
| Clyde: |
Right. [the others disperse, leaving Wendy and Cartman
facing each other at the round table.]
|
| Cartman: |
[takes out some Cheesy Poofs] Mmmm.
|
| Wendy: |
[walks up to him] Cartman, we can't just attack Stan
and Kyle's credibility. We need to present our side of the debate.
|
| Cartman: |
You're right. We'll need to look
like we prepared a case, too, so that they look all the weaker. Good
plan. Sooo, what's the issue again?
|
| Wendy: |
The South Park flag!
|
| Cartman: |
Interesting. Aaand, what side are we on?
|
| Wendy: |
D'aaaaahhh!
|
| Cartman: |
Whoa! Calm down, ho. [eats some poofs]
|
|
[South Park City Hall,
day. A Channel 4 field reporter is on scene. Chef is in the background
dressed in a daishiki facing the Hall, with his fist up. Two groups of
people are there, one on either side of him. The mayor and her
assistants look out over the scene from her office]
|
| Reporter: |
["NEWS 4 LIVE!"] Tom, I'm standing out front of the
South Park Mayor's Office, where both sides of this debate have
gathered.
|
| Chef: |
Change the flag! |
| Jimbo: |
Don't change history!
|
| Mayor: |
Oh brother, what now?!
|
| Chef: |
[background, as the reporter speaks] Change the flag!
Change the flag!…
|
| Reporter: |
Earlier, the South Park townspeople voiced their
opinion.
|
| Man 4: |
[angry] Well, I think the flag is racist! [turns
pensive] Huh, but then again, it is part of our history.
|
| Man 5: |
Well, I guess the flag is part of history,
…but I can see how it is racist.
|
| Man 6: |
[flatly, slowly] I think it is history. I think it is
racist.
|
| Reporter: |
Well, one things for sure, tensions are high and
pressure is mounting on the South Park Mayor to do something.
|
| Chef: |
[background, as the reporter speaks] …Change
the flag! Change the flag! Change the flag! Change the flag! [the mayor
simply looks down] In the 1960's there was a monk [shows a photo of a
man in flames] who set himself on fire to protest! You have left me no
choice! [lowers the photo] To protest your lack of humanity, I will now
do the same thing! [raises a portable gas tank and a lighter, then
pours the gasoline on a Japanese monk and sets him on fire]
|
| Monk: |
[in flames] Huh! Haaaaaaaaaaaah! [dies]
|
| The KKK: |
[arriving] White Power! White Power! White Power! White
Power! White Power! White Power! White Power!
|
| Reporter: |
[stunned, then speaks] What's this? Uh, Tom, it looks
as if the KKK have shown up to espress their opinion.
|
| KKK Leader: |
[walks up to Jimbo and extends his hand.] Hello,
brother. [Jimbo and his group turns to see the Klan] We are here to
support your noble cause.
|
| Jimbo: |
Huh? Uh hey now, uh. We don't want your support. We're
not racists; this is about history.
|
| Ned: |
Yeah.
|
| KKK Leader: |
Well, whether you want our support or not, we're on
your side! [he and the rest of the KKK face right and march away]
|
| The KKK: |
White Power! White Power! [Jimbo and the others watch
them leave] White Power! White Power! [they take up positions in front
of City Hall, facing Chef. A familiar figure is chanting with them]
White Power! White Power! White Power! White Power!
|
| Sheila: |
[arrives] Mr. Garrison, you're a Klan member?
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
NO, no, [steps out] but Mr. Hat is. [points to the
puppet, which bends down a few times as if to say "hello"]
|
| Mr. Hat: |
White Power! White Power!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Ogh! You're such a racist bastard, Mr. Hat.
|
| The KKK: |
White Power!
|
| Chef: |
Change the flag!
|
| Jimbo: |
Don't change history!
|
| Mayor: |
Ooh, Jesus. What a mess.
|
|
[South Park City Hall, Mayor's
office, later.]
|
| Mayor: |
Chef, we realize that you find the South Park flag
racist, and we certainly understand your case. [shot of an angry Chef]
We have been diligently working on this problem, put in a lot of hours,
and we have finally altered the flag in a way that we think will make
you very happy. Gentlemen? [her assistants lift up a flag and carry it
to a clear area, then unfurl it for Chef to see] There. Is that better?
[It looks the same…]
|
| Chef: |
No, damnit!
|
| Mayor: |
[points to the black figure] No, but look! He's got a
little smile now! [a close-up reveals closed eyes and a smile] See?
He's happy. Much better, don't you think? [Chef just rises and walks
out. The mayor lumps in her chair] Well, some people just won't with
you at all. This is getting out of hand. How do I absolve myself of an
responsibility with this?
|
| Johnson: |
Mayor, the-ee South Park Elementary children are
discussing the flag issue in their debate club on Friday.
|
| Assistant: |
We… could use the debate as an excuse to
hold a vote on the issue.
|
| Mayor: |
Yes, of course. Let the children be
responsible. Everybody loves children. Tell the press. South Park
Elementary will be holding a vote on Friday!
|
|
[South Park Elementary, school
library. Wendy has three stacks of books to pore over, Cartman is
playing with his toys]
|
| Wendy: |
This might come in handy. It says here
that recently a case was brought before the South Carolina Court about
their flag, and they-
|
| Cartman: |
I warn you, Bog Monster! Do not mock Captain Candycone!
[as Bog Monster] O yeah?! How would you like I should kick you in the
nuts?!
|
| Wendy: |
If we could show a parallel between the South Carolina
case-
|
| Cartman: |
[as Captain Candycone] Ugh. Oh yeah?! I'll kick you in
the nuts!
[as Bog Monster] Ugh. I'll kick you in the nuts!
[as Captain Candycone] I'll kick you in the nuts!
|
| Wendy: |
Cartman, why don't you just go home?! You aren't
helping any!
|
| Cartman: |
You won't let me help.
|
| Wendy: |
That's because you're stupid, and you're a racist!
|
| Cartman: |
[thinks a moment…]
…Touché.
But dude, you might as well let me help you. We're in this together. I
mean, just… tell me what to do, and I'll do it. [Wendy
remains mad at him. He does Bog Monster] Wendih, let Cartman help.
Seriouslih. [she averts her gaze, then breaks into a smile] Wendih.
Seriouslih. [she chuckles] The Bog Monster speaketh.
|
|
[South Park, the
offices of Brovlofski and Jackson, Attorneys At Law. Kyle and Stan have
assembled their team there. Kenny, Craig and Tweek are there with two
others.]
|
| Kyle: |
Okay. since my dad's a lawyer, he says we can use any
of his books we want. [Kenny chows down tablets from a blue bowl before
him] Who wants to read them? [no one responds]
|
| Stan: |
Come on, you guys. We all have to work on this!
|
| Kyle: |
Kenny, how many of my dad's mints are you gonna eat?
Jesus!
|
| Kenny: |
(Plenty. This is 'cause my family's poor.)
|
| Kyle: |
I know your family's poor, but you can't just eat an
entire bowl of mints for dinner.
|
| Kenny: |
(Ah, fuck you!) [gives him the finger]
|
| Stan: |
I don't think we stand a chance in this debate, 'cause
Wendy's leading the other side.
|
| Kyle: |
Dude, you're just saying that because she's your
girlfriend.
|
| Kenny: |
[burps] (Kyle, can I have a drink of water?)
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah, you can have a drink of water. The dispenser's
over there. [Kenny hops off and walks to the dispenser]
|
| Stan: |
Yeah, you must be thirsty after eating 60 mints. [Mr.
Broflovski enters]
|
| Gerald: |
[stops behind Kenny's chair] Hey, boys, how's the
research coming?
|
| Kyle: |
Pretty good, I guess.
|
| Stan: |
Do you think they should change the flag?
|
| Gerald: |
Oh, uuhh. I don't know. [picks up the empty bowl]
|
| Kyle: |
Kenny ate all the mints, dad.
|
| Gerald: |
Oh, those weren't mints, those were antacid tablets.
|
| Kyle: |
Oh.
|
| Stan, Kyle: |
Kenny! [Mr. Broflovski looks in anticipation]
|
| Kenny: |
[drinks the water, then looks at them] (What?) [the
tablets start to fizz] (Oh oooooooOOOOOOOH!) [as
his voice rises, his body balloons and foam comes out of all possible
orifices. Then he bursts and parts of him fall all over. Some antacid
squirts out of somewhere. At the table, body parts and antacid cover
some books, parts of the table, and on parts of everyone left. The
other students and Mr. Broflovski laugh. Stan and Kyle clap somewhat]
|
| Stan: |
That was a good one.
|
|
[South Park City Hall. The KKK
is still rallying. Mr. Hat keeps Mr. Garrison in place]
|
| The KKK: |
White Power! White Power!
|
| KKK Leader: |
Do not change the flag! It is a symbol of white power!
|
| The KKK: |
White Power!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[now next to the leader] Oohh, I'm sorry, Chef. Mr. Hat
is a racist son of a bitch.
|
| Mr. Hat: |
Don't apologize for me to that spearchucker!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[shocked] Dugh! [covers his mouth. Chef looks at him an
angry disbelief] Ogh. Waaaaah! [runs away]
|
| Chef: |
[approaches one group] How can you all just stand by
and let these racists do this?!
|
| Officer Barbrady: |
Well, Chef, it's freedom of speech. We don't like it,
but we can't arrest them for talking.
|
| Reporter: |
Should the Klan be allowed to rally on the steps of the
Capitol? Here's what some people think.
|
| Man 7: |
Well, I think they are racist, but I… do
think freedom of speech is important.
|
| Man 8: |
Well, I, for one, believe in freedom of speech.
…Mmm but then again, I think they are racist.
|
| Man 9: |
Well, I believe that they are racist, but I do believe
that all-
|
| Chef: |
[shoves the man out of the way] Aw, the hell with all
of you indecisive bastards!
|
| Reporter: |
On Friday, South Park Elementary
will present its debate, and after the debate, there will finally be a
vote. Preliminary polls show three in favor of changing the flag, three
against changing the flag, and 4382 undecided. So the pressure in on
those South Park kids!
|
| KKK Leader: |
Well, that's enough rallying for this afternoon,
members. Let's take a hot shower!
|
| The KKK: |
Hot shower! Hot shower! Hot shower! [they march away]
|
| Jimbo: |
[to Ned] Ned, nobody's gonna vote for our side if it's
the side those KKK members are on. Come on, we gotta put a stop to
them.
|
|
[South Park Elementary,
school library, night. Wendy and Cartman are both laboring over books.
Between them is a tray of Oreo cookies.]
|
| Wendy: |
I can't believe it. All the pressure's on us. I mean,
this debate is going to actually affect the outcome of the vote.
|
| Cartman: |
[aloof] Uh huh.
|
| Wendy: |
Oh man, we've got to come up with rebuttals to the
history argument.
|
| Cartman: |
Why don't we just talk about the swastika?
|
| Wendy: |
Huh?
|
| Cartman: |
I mean, Germany was united under the
swastika, right? But,… obviously history wasn't as important
as
changing the views after the war and stuff, so hey changed it. |
| Wendy: |
[mulls over the argument] Hey, that's a pretty good
point, Cartman.
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah.
|
| Wendy: |
Not bad at all. I may make that our first argument.
[takes a cookie]
|
| Cartman: |
Cool.
|
| Wendy: |
Double-stuffed cookies are my favorite. [starts eating]
|
| Cartman: |
Really? Mine too. What I really like
to do, is I like to take the tops off of two cookies, and then put them
together and make "quadruple stuffs."
|
| Wendy: |
Hey, that's what I always do, too!
|
| Cartman: |
No way!
|
| Wendy: |
Yeah. Jesus, I never thought I'd have anything in
common with you, Cartman.
|
| Cartman: |
Me neither.
|
| Wendy: |
Aha ha.
|
| Cartman: |
Huh.
|
| Wendy, Cartman: |
Well, anyway, let's get back to work. [two kids on the
same wavelength]
|
| Cartman: |
Whoa.
|
| Wendy: |
Weird, um. Okay. Uh. Now, let's say that first we talk
about the history of the flag. [reaches for a cookie] We can show that
the- [Cartman's hand rests on hers. Their eyes meet]
|
| Cartman: |
[withdraws his hand] Ur, s-sorry. [shoves the plate to
her a bit] Go ahead.
|
| Wendy: |
No. [shoves the plate back] You go ahead.
|
|
[Mr. Garrison's house, night.
The living room. Mr. Garrison enters]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Mr. Hat, what do you think you're doing?
|
| Mr. Hat: |
There's another Klan rally tonight; I have to be there
in 15 minutes.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Ooh no, Mr. Hat. You are not dragging to another Klan
meeting.
|
| Mr. Hat: |
But they're electing a new assistant to the Grand
Dragon. I might get elected.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Well, good for you, Puppet Pants! I'll have nothin' to
do with it!
|
| Mr. Hat: |
I'm going whether you like it or not!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Oh yeah?! [sits in his armchair and waits] I'm not
going, Mr. Hat, and that's final! [looks away] Let's just see you try
and go without me! [looks back again, and his right hand is bare]
Mi-Mr. Hat?
|
|
[South Park, the woods. The
KKK rallies around a burning cross.]
|
| The KKK: |
White Power! White Power! White Power! [Jimbo and Ned
rise up out of the brush and look at the rally] White Power! White
Power! White Power! White Power! White Power!
|
| Jimbo: |
[softly, during the rally] Alright, Ned. We've got to
be careful. These are really evil men we're dealing with.
|
| Ned: |
Mmm-okay.
|
| Jimbo: |
Damnit Ned, doesn't that thing have a volume control?
|
| Ned: |
No.
|
| The KKK: |
White Power! White Power!
|
| KKK Leader: |
[walks in and stands in front of the burning cross,
raising his arms to quiet the group] Good evening, brothers. Our first
order of business tonight is to have Brother Anderson update us on last
week's minutes. |
| Brother Anderson: |
Last week we decided we hate blacks and Jews. A lot!
|
| KKK Leader: |
Alright. And now it's time for us all to come together,
and… do our cake raffle.
|
| KKK Members: |
[ad lib] Oh, cake raffle. [Jimbo and Ned look at each
other]
|
| KKK Leader: |
This week's winner is… [reads the ticket]
uh, 2 9 7 4.
|
| Ticket 2974 Holder: |
[jumps for joy] I won, I won. [moves forward] I won the
cake! [takes it and returns to his place]
|
| KKK Leader: |
God job, brother. [smatterng of applause. Jimbo and Ned
look on.]
|
|
[A green and flowering
meadow under a brilliant orange dawn. A happy Wendy walks in and grabs
some flowers, then sniffs them deeply. She then looks behind her to
find Cartman sitting on a white steed under a bright yellow sun. The
steed neighs]
|
| Wendy: |
[turns and runs to him] Cartman! [Cartman gets off the
steed and runs to Wendy, his hair billowing in the wind]
|
| Cartman: |
Ahh! [they run into each other's
arms and tumble down, laughing all the while. At the bottom, Wendy's on
her back and Cartman is on top of her]
|
| Wendy: |
Say it'll be like this forever.
|
| Cartman: |
Okay, It will be like this forever.
|
| Wendy: |
Oh, Cartman! [Cartman looks at her, his hair billowing
in the wind]
|
|
[Wendy's room, night. She
rises in bed with a start. That scene in the meadow was a dream]
|
| Wendy: |
AAAAAAaaaah! [pants heavily, then dunks her head in the
fish bowl on the little desk next to her bed.] Brrrrr. What's wrong
with me? [hops
down and heads for the bathroom, flips the lighs on, goes to the sink,
hops on a stool, and checks out her tongue and eyes, then] Ahhh. It's
okay. Get a grip, girl. [hops down and heads for the switch. She's
about to turn off the lights when a voice stops her]
|
| Cartman's voice: |
Wendih. [she looks at the Russell Crowe poster next to
the switch] Wendih. [Rusell's face stretches into one of Cartman]
|
| Wendy: |
[shocked at the hallucination] Aaaah!
|
| Cartman's voice: |
[the face reverts to Russell's as the voice fades]
Wendih, look at me.
|
| Wendy: |
[turns around, looks up, then sits down with her face
in her hands] Oh God, please don't let this be happening.
|
|
[South Park, the woods, deep
in the night.]
|
| KKK Leader: |
Alright brothers, listen up! [two more members show up,
and the leader starts to pace back and forth]
As you know, this fine city is holding a vote on whether or or not to
change their flag. But lynching minorities is history! So what are we
gonna do about it?!
|
| Member 1: |
Let's say that if they change the flag, we'll burn down
the Capitol!
|
| KKK Members: |
Yeah!
|
| Member 2: |
Let's say that if they change the flag, we'll never
leave this town!
|
| KKK Members: |
Yeah!
|
| Jimbo: |
[in KKK disguise] Let's say they should change the
flag!
|
| KKK Members: |
Yeah! [turn to see the new member] Wah?
|
| KKK Leader: |
Uh what's that, brother?
|
| Jimbo: |
I thnk we should switch sides!
|
| Ned: |
Me too. Nnn-that's a good idea.
|
| Jimbo: |
Look, we have to accept the fact that most people in
the world hate us, right?
|
| KKK Members: |
[rolling reaction] Yeah, m-hm.
|
| Jimbo: |
So, whatever side we're on is the side that's gonna
lose, right?
|
| KKK Members: |
[rolling reaction] Right, yeah.
|
| Jimbo: |
So why don't we all say that we want the flag changed.
That way, most folks'll vote to keep it the way it is.
|
| KKK Leader: |
That's a great idea, brother!
|
| KKK Members: |
[jubilant, jumping] Yeah!
|
| KKK Leader: |
Alright, it is decided! We will officially tell
everyone that we want the flag changed, so that they will all vote
against us! |
| KKK Members: |
[ad lib] Hooray, yeah! [the two new members leave]
|
| A Member: |
We'e smart! [the two members head into the brush]
|
| Jimbo: |
[both members take off their hoods] That worked
perfectly, Ned.
|
| KKK Leader: |
Well alright, now that that's out of the way, it is
time to play, "Whose got the silliest thing on under their robe?"
|
| KKK Members: |
[ad lib] Yeah, woohoo! [a member walks up to an organ
and sits. He begins to play "If You're Happy And You Know
It…" The rest form two lines and clap.]
|
|
[The contest. The first
member walks down the middle and shows off his boxers with a heart
design. The second comes in and shows off his lederhosen. The third
comes in and shows off bikini briefs and garters. The fourth comes in
and shows off a yellow bird costume.]
|
| Jimbo: |
Jesus, Ned, these guys are completely nuts.
|
| Ned: |
Mm-yup.
|
|
[the fifth member comes
in and shows off his hand-walking skills, and the sixth one shows off
his penis… Jimbo and Ned walk away from the scene]
|
| Jimbo: |
[stops] That is the most insane thing I've ever seen. I
can't believe those people are on our side. I mean, is our side that
crazy? [some headlights pass over them and they shield their eyes. A
staton wagon rolls up with Chef behind the wheel] Oh, hello, Chef. Big
debate tomorrow, I guess. [Chef glowers at them for a few seconds] Oh,
Jesus, the robes! Chef, this isn't what it looks like. You've gotta
listen to us!
|
| Chef: |
I ain't gonna listen to nothin'! This whole cracker-ass
town can kiss my ass! [peels off. Mud flies behind the Town &
Country and splatters Jimbo and Ned]
|
| Jimbo: |
Ned, I'm starting to think that maybe history ain't
worth defendin' sometimes.
|
|
[Wendy's house, morning,
before school. Living room]
|
| Wendy: |
[leads Bebe in] Thanks for coming over, Bebe. I have
something to tell you.
|
| Bebe: |
Sure, what?
|
| Wendy: |
Bebe, I'm attracted to Cartman.
|
| Bebe: |
[shrieks and covers her ears] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
|
| Wendy: |
[ashamed] I know.
|
| Bebe: |
Why would you tell me this? Why would you tell anyone
this?
|
| Wendy: |
Because I don't know what to do. I
can't concentrate, and if I can't concentrate, then I can't win the
debate tomorrow. The whole vote is dependent on me doing a good job-
|
| Bebe: |
Alright, look. When two people work
closely for a long time, sometimes they feel what's called, "sexual
tension." Sometimes you just have to act on impulse and get it over
with.
|
| Wendy: |
You mean, I should kiss him? [looks away embarassed]
|
| Bebe: |
Kiss him and get it out of your system.
|
| Wendy: |
[dreading] Oh God.
|
|
[South Park Elementary,
the gym. Mr. Wyland is shown behind a podium, and the South Park flag
hangs from some rafters behind him. Two tables are set up, one for each
side of the debate. Behind the "FLAG SHOULD STAY THE SAME" table are
Stan, Kyle, and two other boys. Behind the "FLAG SHOULD CHANGE" table
are Wendy, Cartman, Token, and Butters.]
|
| Mr. Wyland: |
Well I certainly would like to thank all the parents
for their support of our debate club. [the bleachers are shown. The
mayor, Chef, Jimbo and Ned, and others are present] I r-realize that
many of you
are torn by the issues as well, so, perhaps the children can shed some
light on us. We'll start with Wendy Testaburger on the "Flag Should Be
Changed" team. [Wendy hops off her seat, then looks at Cartman and
strokes her chin, then steps up to look at the audience. She looks
again at Cartman. He's been watching her all the while, wondering where
this is all headed]
|
| Wendy: |
[looks at the audience] The- [looks at Cartman] the-
uh, [clears her throat] aheh ahum, [looks at Cartman] the…
the- uh, [closes her eyes and pushes her hands out as if to push away
the feelings swirling within] Ahhhhh, [exhales softly, then sighs] The
first argument we- [her eyes snap back to Cartman, who's still watching
her. Stan and Kyle watch as well] ah… [resets] Let me start
over. [looks at Stan] The uh- [loses her rudder] oh God. Could you all
excuse me for a moment? [steps down and kisses a surprised Cartman full
on the lips]
|
| People in Audience: |
[ad lib] Oh. [Stan's jaw drops]
|
| Really Shocked Man: |
[off camera] Oh, God! [Butters'
and Token's jaws drop. So does Chef's. Wendy finally releases the
pucker, sighs in happy relief, and goes back to the podium]
|
| Wendy: |
[confident now] Yes. Now, the
main point we would like to make is oftentimes it is prudent to change
history. As times change we hope to grow, and as we grow our rules must
change. It is a natural part of evolution. Thank you. [steps down
as people clap. Stan is still in shock that Wendy kissed Cartman. She
sits down, Cartman looks at her, then places his hands behind his head
in a supreme air of confidence and looks away]
|
| Mr. Wyland: |
Okay, and Kyle and Stan's team, your main point? [Kyle
moves to the podium while Stan remains stunned]
|
| Kyle: |
Our main point is that the flag
shouldn't offend anyone, because killing has been around since the
bieginning of time. All animals kill. [an astonished Stan looks as
Cartman puts his right hand on the back of Wendy's chair and points at
her with his left, winks, then dances a bit. A smiling Wendy remains
oblivious to this showing off] And the animals that don't kill are
stupid ones, like cows and turtles and stuff. So people should not be
so upset about killing. [returns to his seat amid a smattering of
applause]
|
| Chef: |
[stands up] Whoa whoa whooaa! You just missed the point
entirely!
|
| Kyle: |
Huh?
|
| Chef: |
I'm not mad because the flag shows somebody gettin'
killed, It's because it's racist!
|
| Kyle's Team: |
[minus Stan] Racist??
|
| Chef: |
Children, don't you even know what this
argument is about?! That flag is racist because a black man is being
hung by white people.
|
| Kyle's Team: |
[minus Stan] Ooooooohhh.
|
| Chef: |
Ooooooohhh?!
|
| Kyle: |
W-we really didn't see it that way.
|
| Chef: |
But that's a black man up there!
|
| Kyle: |
Y-yeah, but… the color of someone's skin
doesn't matter.
|
| Chef: |
Well of course it matters when- [catches himself]
…Oh my God. Wait a minute. You children didn't even see the
flag as a black man being hanged by white people, did you?
|
| Kyle's Team: |
[minus Stan] No.
|
| Chef: |
[deducing, marveling] Why, that is- that is the most
beautiful thing I have ever heard.
|
| Mayor: |
What?
|
| Mr. Wyland: |
What?
|
| Chef: |
Don't you see? All this time I thought these little
crackers had turned racist, when actuallih they were so not
racist that they didn't even make a separation of black and white to
begin with. All they saw when they looked at that flag was five people.
|
| A Few People: |
Awww.
|
| Some KKK members: |
Awww.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. [Cartman is still showing off, Wendy remains
oblivious]
|
| Chef: |
I'm sorry, children. I was wrong about
you. But I still the flag needs to be changed. But now I realize that I
almost let racism turn me into a racist.
|
| Jimbo: |
Yeah. You know, uh I suddenly found myself on the side
of Klan menbers. I've never had anything against blacks, Chef.
|
| Chef: |
Oh, I know you don't, Jimbo. I've known you for almost
ten years. You're a good man.
|
| Jimbo: |
We've been way too divisive over this,
Chef. Maybe we can come up with a- compromise flag—something
that
everybody can be happy with.
|
| Chef: |
I think that's a much better start than me tryin' to
separate myself from all you wonderful crackers.
|
| Audience Members: |
[relieved, ad lib] Ooh, huhuh. Oooh [Stan's astonished
gaze was fixed on Cartman and Wendy all that time.]
|
| Kyle: |
Oh. Sweet, dude. I don't think we have to do this
stupid debate now. [waves his hand in front of Stan to get his
attention] Stan?
|
|
[South Park City Hall,
day. The Mayor has called a town meeting at City Hall and now stands at
her podium with the town gathered before her. Something hangs above her
covered by a brown curtain]
|
| Mayor: |
This has been an interesting week in South Park. We've
all done a lot of growing this week. [shot of the crowd, some of them
smiling]
Everyone was afraid to take a stand on this issue. But now we have
learned once again that black, white, yellow, brown, or whatever, we
are all just people. And so, I am very excited to unveil our new South
Park Flag! [The curtain falls away to reveal the same flag, only
with the five people, including the hanged man, holding hands. The
crowd cheers. From left to right: a white man, a yellow man, a black
man, a red man, and another black man]
|
| Stan: |
[recovered, looks at the flag] Wait, I don't get it.
|
| Kyle: |
No, see? There's people of all colors. And they added a
black guy as one of the hangers, too, so it's not racist.
|
| Chef: |
Hooray!
|
| Jimbo: |
I have to admit it, that is a lot nicer.
|
| Wendy: |
Phew. I'm sure glad that's over with. [the applause
begins to die down]
|
| Cartman: |
Me, too!
|
| Wendy: |
[applause stops, background music plays]
I can't believe how right Bebe was about feeling under pressure with
somebody. As soon as it was over, all my feelings for you just
vanished.
|
| Cartman: |
[fronting] Oh, huh. Yeah. Yeah, totally huh.
|
| Wendy: |
I'm totally back to normal. See you later. [the crowd
disperses behind her]
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah. See you later, heh. Ho, huhuh, he, haha.
|
| Wendy: |
Hahaha. [looks off to her right] Stan. Stan, wait up!
[hurries
away to catch up to him. Cartman looks at her, then away, then at her
long, then away, than at her quick one last time, then looks down and
sighs. He turns to his left and walks away, dejected]
|
|
[End of Chef Goes Nanners] |
