|
[A stage, rehearsal, day.
Stan, Kyle, and Wendy are in costume on stage. Stan is dressed in a
white suit and bowtie, and a fake beard and moustache. Kyle is dressed
as a country doctor with starched collar, and Wendy is dressed in white
pants, purple coat and beret, and bowtie. The stage itself has a door
prop and a tripod table with a bowl and jar atop it. Kyle enters
through the door.] |
| Wendy: |
Doctor, doctor! Will our daughter be okay? |
| Kyle: |
I am sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Keller, but I'm afraid your
daughter Helen still cannot see, hear, or speak.
|
| Wendy: |
Oh no! NO!
|
| Stan: |
'Ere 'ere, my good wife, 'ere is nothing we can do.
|
| Wendy: |
My poor little Helen.
|
| Timmy: |
[enters through the prop door in blue dress and wig,
and holding a doll - Helen Keller!] Timmiihhh!
|
| Wendy: |
She can't see or hear us, John. |
| Timmy: |
Heh-aaaah, Timmih!
|
| Stan: |
[very slurred - John Keller] E-yes. Perhaps she should
go to an asyluh.
|
| Cartman: |
[in the second front row, directing] Stan, what the
hell is wrong with you? I can't understand your lines!
|
| Stan: |
'Cause the 'eard 'urts my 'ace.
|
| Kyle: |
Can we take a lunch break now?
|
| Cartman: |
No! If we want our play to be better
than the kindergartners' play, we have to rehearse as much as possible!
Now let's continue the scene!
|
| Bebe: |
[enters the scene] Hello. My name is Anne Sullivan, and
I believe I can teach this child to communicate.
|
| Stan: |
Uh-eally? Uh you think so?
|
| Bebe: |
[slaps some water from a pitcher into Timmy's right
hand] Water, Helen! Waaa-terr!
|
| Timmy: |
Agh oh-ight, Timmih! |
| Cartman: |
God-damnit, Timmy! Helen Keller isn't suposed to talk!
|
| Butters: |
[a camera follows him to the auditorium at butt level;
another camera shows him entering the room] Hey you guys! We got a big
problem! [rushes onto the stage]
|
| Kyle: |
What is it, Butters?
|
| Butters: |
The kidnergartners! I just came from their dress
rehearsal. Hoh, it's good, you guys. It's real good!
|
| Cartman: |
How good?
|
| Butters: |
They got Pilgrim outfits! And Indian ones, too! They've
got singing and dancing and boy you've never seen such a show! Why,
it's a Thanksgiving extravaganza!
|
| Clyde |
Oh, no! |
| Kyle: |
We can't be outdone by the kindergartners!
|
| Clyde: |
Oh, now what?
|
| Stan: |
Oh yeah, we can't!
|
| Cartman: |
Alright, alright! Quiet down! Look,
we still got four days until the Thanksgiving festival; that's plenty
of time to revamp our play!
|
| Kyle: |
Revamp how? The rules are that the fourth grade class
has to perform the Helen Keller Story.
|
| Carrtman: |
Yeah, but nobody told us how we had to do it. We can
have Thanksgiving stuff and music numbers, too.
|
| Clyde: |
Well, we can add music numbers, but how do we make the
Helen Keller story more Thanksgivingy?
|
| Wendy: |
I know! How about, instead of a dog, Helen Keller has a
pet turkey.
|
| Token: |
Yeah, a turkey that could do tricks.
|
| Kids: |
Yeah
|
| Cartman: |
That's the spirit, gang! Alright.
Stan and Wendy, you go out and find some musical instruments! Kenny and
Clyde, take some kids and buy some Thanksgiving decorations for the
set! Kyle and Timmy, you go out and find a turkey! |
| Kyle: |
Okay!
|
| Cartman: |
This is gonna be the best version of the Miracle Worker
ever!
|
| Kids: |
Yay!
|
|
[a barn, with no snow around
it. Cows are grazing on the grass outside. Inside, a rancher shows
Timmy and Kyle around the barn.]
|
| Rancher: |
What kind of turkey are you lookin' for?
|
| Kyle: |
A smart one, that can do tricks. |
| Rancher: |
Well, I ain't got a whole lot left, it bein' almost
Thanksgiving and all. [opens a turkey pen so the boys can see] Go
ahead, just pick one out. [Timmy looks pleased, looks around, and
settles on a deformed turkey which walks with its head against the
ground]
|
| Timmy: |
[apparently having chosen his turkey] Timmaay! [the
turkey blinks at him]
|
| Rancher: |
[notices the turkey] Oh, that one's a little messed up.
Not exactly the… pick of the litter.
|
| Timmy: |
Haaaaa!
|
| Kyle: |
Uh, Timmy, if we back to the other kids with that
turkey they're gonna be pissed!
|
| Timmy: |
TIMMAY! |
| Rancher: |
Yeah. Best you not take that one. I was just about to
take it out in the yard and putt a bullet in its head.
|
| Kyle: |
What?! Aw, dude, don't say that!
|
| Timmy: |
T-TIIMMAY TIMMAY!
|
| Kyle: |
Alright, we'll take him. How much?
|
| Rancher: |
Fifty bucks.
|
| Kyle: |
But you were just gonna take it out in the backyard and
put a bullet in its head!
|
| Rancher: |
I know! Now I gotta find somethin' else to shoot.
|
| Kyle: |
[thinks] …God-damnit, here! [the rancher
takes the money, walks over to get the turkey, and delivers the turkey
to Timmy] Alright, Timmy, let's go! [Kyle and Timmy leave]
|
| Rancher: |
I've got a one-legged pig if you'd like, too.
|
| Kyle: |
Aw, blow it out your ass!
|
|
[The South Park
Community Theatre. Here is where the class has been rehearsing for the
play. The marquee reads: "THANKSGIVING EXTRAVAGANZA WEDNESDAY" Inside,
Cartman has most of the kids on stage with a man…]
|
| Cartman: |
Guys, I want you all to meet Jeffrey Maynard. He's
South Park's biggest expert on musical theater, AND, he played the lead
in Les Misérables at the Denver Community Playhouse for five
weeks.
|
| Kids: |
[flatly] Bravo.
|
| Wendy: |
Do you think we could make up a good Thanksgiving play
in four days?
|
| Jeffrey Maynard: |
[lyrically] I would swear it on my life. Your play
shall want for nothing.
|
| Kids: |
Hooray! |
| Jeffrey Maynard: |
Now, the first thing a good musical needs is a big
opening number. Something that sets up the entire show.
|
| Cartman: |
Alright! Places, everybody! Bring in the turkey!
[Timmy's turkey sidles in with its head on the ground. Kyle and Timmy
follow] What the hell is that? |
| Kyle: |
It's a turkey. [long pause] His name is Gobbles.
|
| Timmy: |
GOBBLES! [Gobbles gobbles]
|
| Cartman: |
And where… pray… is our beautiful
trick performing turkey?
|
| Kyle: |
Um, we… sssort of spend all the money on
this… one…
|
| Timmy: |
GOBBLES! [Gobbles gobbles]
|
| Cartman: |
[looks at Kyle for a long time] Kyle, can I talk to you
over here for a second? [they walk off to one side of the stage and
stop, out of earshot] Kyle? Why do you do these things to me?
|
| Kyle: |
I didn't do anything to you. Timmy saw the turkey and
wanted to get it. What do you want me to say to him?
|
| Cartman: |
You say, "No, Timmy, you can't have that turkey! Bad
Timmy!"
|
| Kyle: |
[the rest of the cast approaches] Look, I know it isn't
exactly what we wanted, but maybe we can train it.
|
| ?????: |
He's not gonna work, Kyle. The whole point was to make
our play better than the kindergartners.
|
| Token: |
Yeah, that turkey sucks.
|
| Jeffrey Maynard: |
[lyrically] Wait! What's that, you say? A thanksgiving
turkey is what you require? I know of a turkey.
|
| Stan: |
You do?
|
| Jeffrey Maynard: |
[lyrically] During my years on Broadway I…
worked with a turkey who could do all kinds of tricks. She even jumped
through a hoop of fire.
|
| Cartman: |
Cool! Can you get it for us?
|
| Jeffrey Maynard: |
I will go promptly and call her trainer. On the morrow
you shall have your trick performing turkey.
|
| Kids: |
Alright! [Timmy takes Gobbles and wheels off stage]
|
|
[South Park, Timmy's house,
night. Timmy is in his room with a hula hoop in hand, sitting on the
floor]
|
| Timmy: |
Gobbles! [shows him the hoop and points to it. Gobbles
just blinks. Timmy tries again] Gobbles! [Gobbles blinks, then walks up
to the hoop and lifts his head through it. Timmy is dismayed] Up, heh.
Uh! [coaxes Gobbles through the hoop. Gobbles trips and falls out.
Timmy grins] Heeey, Gobbles! [Gobbles gets up and walks away. Timmy
pulls out a lighter and sets the hoop aflame] Gobbles. [Gobbles just
stares and Timmy urges] Gobbles! [Gobbles poops]
|
|
[South Park, Cartman's house,
night. Cartman is in his room rewriting a part of the play.]
|
| Cartman; |
No no no! [tosse another sheet over his shoulder, to
join other wads on the floor. His mother enters the room]
|
| Liane: |
Boopsie-kins, It's late. You need to be in bed.
|
| Cartman: |
I can't sleep, Mom! I have to write the lyrics for the
opening song of our Helen Keller Thanksgiving spectacular!
|
| Liane: |
Now, hon!
|
| Cartman: |
[whining a bit] But [turns around] Mo-o-om, I have to
write these lyrics so the plight of Helen Keller can be realized by the
common man.
|
| Liane: |
Twenty more minutes, and that's it. [exits and closes
the door]
|
| Cartman: |
[spins around and gets back to work] Twenty minutes!
Does Tim Rice's mom give him twenty minutes to write the lyrics to
"Phantom Of The Opera"?! [looks at a small portrait of Helen Keller on
his desk, picks it up and studies it] Speak to me Helen. Let me be your
voice. [after looking at the portrait some more, he gets frustrated and
slams the portrait onto the desk] Come on, you blind bitch! Channel
your spirit through me!
|
|
[South Park, Timmy's
house. Timmy is in bed asleep. Soon, Gobbles hops up on the bed and
drops his head on the covers. He slowly inches up to Timmy's face,
looking at Timmy all the while, and settles in next to him. Gobbles
soon falls asleep. Timmy's left hand comes to rest on Gobbles' body. An
exterior shot with the moon low in the sky is shown and fades out.]
|
|
[The South Park Community
Theatre, the stage, next day. rehearsal. Clyde is speaking under a
spotlight]
|
| Clyde: |
Tonight we present the story of a courageous girl and
her fight against depression
|
| Cartman: |
[in the audience] OP-pression!
|
| Clyde: |
Oppression. Our play begins in a simpler time. [music
comes up] Alabama, in the late 1800's [spotlight
goes off, Clyde walks off stage, curtains open. A lone house stands
against a desert background and clouds float high against the sky-blue
backdrop. Dancing singers begin]
|
| Actors: |
1800's, Alabama! What a great place and time!
We're so happy that we live in 1800's Alabama 'cause it's sunny and
there is no crime!
|
| Jeffrey: |
[in the audience] Now to the refrain!
|
| Actors: |
And in this little town in 1800's Alabama there's a
family by the name of Keller!
[They dance off to one side of the house. A water pump appears]
Their daughter's deaf and mute and blind as a bat, and her parents
can't even tell her!!
|
| Lamond: |
[a man with a small animal cage enters] Excuse me, I am
Lamond, the animal trainer.
|
| Clyde: |
Oh. [quickly calls the others] Cool! He's here! [the
other kids gather]
|
| Cartman: |
Awesome! Do you have a turkey that can do tricks?
|
| Lamond: |
Ap ap! Do not call them tricks! She's
a very sensitive turkey! She performs feats, not tricks. Ladies and
gentlemen, may I present the most beautiful bird in America! [sets the
cage down] Four-time prize winner of the National Western Stock Show
and reigning poster child of turkeylovers.com! I give you Alinicia!
[one serious turkey walks out of the cage, and the kids are impressed]
|
| Cartman: |
Yeh.
|
| Others: |
Wow.
|
| Cartman: |
Whoa.
|
| Bebe: |
Her feathers are beautiful.
|
| Clyde |
That's the prettiest turkey I ever saw.
|
| Lamond: |
Of course she is! [she looks back at the kids and
thrusts her beak in the air]
|
| Cartman: |
Okay! Now we can really get this thing underway!
Places, everybody! [the kids move back…] Where the hell is
Timmy?
|
| Timmy: |
[off screen] TIM-MIH! [all turn and face him. He's in
costume with Gobbles before him. Gobbles raises his head and gobbles]
|
| Lamond: |
What… is… that?!
|
| Cartman: |
Uh, that's Gobbles, the physically challenged turkey.
[Timmy takes his lighter and sets his hoop on fire, then lowers it for
his bird]
|
| Timmy: |
Gobbles! [Gobbles makes no move] Gobbles?!
|
| Kyle: |
Timmy, we already got a turkey.
|
| Clyde: |
Yeah, and it's from Broadway.
|
| Timmy: |
[indicates his turkey] Gobbles.
|
| Cartman: |
No, Timmy! Tha handicapped turkey does not go in our
play!
|
| Kyle: |
Dude, don't forget: Timmy is the only kid who can play
Helen Keller. Don't piss him off.
|
| Cartman: |
No, that's right. Only Timmy knows the part.
|
| Timmy: |
[stubborn] Tim-mih.
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, Jesus! Okay, fine! Helen Keller can have TWO pet
turkeys! [Alinicia protests vigorously, shedding feathers everywhere]
|
| Lamond: |
My turkey does not work with other turkeys!
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, God-damnit, now what are we gonnan do?!
|
|
[The South Park
Community Theatre, later. Hallway outside a dressing room. The door
opens and Lamond stands there trying to calm Alinicia down]
|
| Lamond: |
Alright, ah ah alright! Alri- ah a-alright. Alright.
[exits and closes the door]
|
| Cartman: |
[walks up] Dude, we need your turkey for our play!
|
| Lamond: |
She's not coming out. She's very upset! She's pooped
all over the room!
|
| Cartman: |
I know, I know, but listen: uhlet me
try to explain the position I'm in here. The retarded turkey belongs to
our friend, Timmy. And Timmy's the only person who knows the part of
Helen Keller. So, so tell me what I can do here to make everybody
happy?
|
| Lamond: |
[ominously] Kill the other turkey!
|
| Cartman: |
I can't dude. Timmy has a boner for it.
|
| Lamond: |
Well, it could meet with "an unfortunate accident."
|
| Cartman: |
Unfortunate accident? You mean, like Geena Davis
getting her own TV show? [laughs, but realizes he's alone in this] Oh.
|
| Lamond: |
It's very simple! Either that turkay meets with an
unfortunate accident, or you don't have a feat-performing turkey for
your Helen Keller Thanksgiving musical!
|
| Cartman: |
Alright, alright! Just get your
turkey to stop crapping all over the dressing room and come out for
rehearsal! I'll take care of everything. [walks off]
|
|
[The South Park
Community Theatre, the stage, later. Bebe and Timmy are front and
center while the others stand in a row in the background]
|
| Bebe: |
[enunciating] Water, Helen. It has a name. Oh, why
can't you understand?
|
| Timmy: |
Dehh haaa. [unimpressed looks from Cartman, Jeffrey,
and Lamond]
|
| Bebe: |
Water, Helen, Water.
|
| Kids: |
She's never gonna do it. There's no way she'll ever do
it.
|
| Bebe: |
Helen, Helen. Water, Helen.
|
| Kids: |
How can she talk if she can't hear? This is absolutely
pointless!
|
| Cartman: |
Okay, uh, hold it. Uh, let's hold it right there a
second. [whisks himself onstage] Okay, I just want to adjust the
blocking real quick. Hm-let's see. Uh, why don't we have Turkey #2
[starts moving Gobbles along] stand just a little bit more
over… [puts it behind the Comedy Cemtral logo] here. [mulls
over the position] Let's see, maybe a little more up in here. [moves it
a bit towards stage center] And just a wee bit over here. [Gobbles is
back behind the logo, a bit] And right about… [moves Gobbles
a bit back] hm'ere. [steps back] There we go. Good. [goes off stage. A
cable whips out of place somewhere. A lighting fixture falls on Kenny
and kills him]
|
| Stan: |
Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
|
| Jeffrey: |
Whoa-aaaa [dances away]
|
| Cartman: |
Aw, crap! I must've rigged the wrong light!
|
| Jeffrey: |
[onstage, walks up to Kenny's corpse, then gets lyrical]
Let him rest in peace. Let him rest. Why must he die?
|
| Butters: |
[a camera follows him to the auditorium at butt level;
another camera shows him entering the room] They've got special
effects! [Jeffrey continues singing in the background]
|
| Kyle: |
What Butters? [Butters meets the others onstage]
|
| Butters: |
The kindergartners! They've got amazing stage effects.
Pyrotechnics and what have yous. Why, it's a regular feast for the
eyes!
|
| Wendy: |
Oh, no!
|
| Clyde: |
We're never gonna outdo them now! [the kids begin to
chatter amongst themelves]
|
| Token: |
But what are we gonna do?
|
| Cartman: |
[Jeffrey continues his dirge]
Calm down! Calm down! We can have special effects, too. Now, I know a
lot is going wrong, but we've got to stick together to make this play
work! [looks at Lamond] All of us! [Lamond crosses his arms]
|
| Jeffrey: |
—and into your hands [the kids now pay
attention to him] uh he… buh… [hums, then stops
singing, stares, then gets up and walks offstage]
|
|
[The South Park Community
Theatre, the stage, later. Timmy is in another hallway trying to get
Gobbles to hop through the hoop]
|
| Timmy: |
Gobbles! [Gobbles lifts his head and drops it away from
Timmy] Hu-ugh, Gobbles! [they hear the door open. Timmy puts the hoop
away and gathers Gobbles on his lap]
|
| Lamond: |
[peeks in] Little boy.
|
| Timmy: |
[spins around] Timmy.
|
| Lamond: |
Yes, Tim. I feel I must speak with you. [walks up to
Timmy] The others, well, they don't want you to know, but, oh, I don't
know what to do. Should I tell you?
|
| Timmy: |
T-Timmih? [a bit afraid]
|
| Lamond: |
I feel I'm the only one who can be honest with you.
[genuflects next to Timmy] The animal shelter is on its way
to…take your turkeyy away from you.
|
| Timmy: |
Gobbles? [scared]
|
| Lamond: |
You see, they don't allow children in
your… situation… to have wild animals as pets.
You can't take him
running, you can't take care of him. They… have to take it
away.
|
| Timmy: |
Gobbles!
|
| Lamond: |
They take wild pets away from people
like you… and hand them over for experiments. And they're
shocked,
dissected, and falyed while thery're still alive. And no matter where
you go, the shelter people will find you. The only way for that turkey
to avoid years of torture is for you to… let him go. Back
into the
wild. [listens for something] Oh no! Here they come now! [two men round
the corner] Quick, go! And set your turkey free! I'll try to stall
them.
|
| Timmy: |
[turns and wheels away from the oncoming men]
T-tim-mih.
|
| Installer: |
Eh, excuse me, we're here to install the water effects
for the musical?
|
| Lamond: |
Uh, the stage is right through there.
|
| Installer: |
Thanks. [he and his partner walk towards the stage.
Lamond looks after them as they leave]
|
|
[South Park, Cartman's house,
night. Cartman is at his desk in his room rewriting a song.]
|
| Cartman: |
Alright, got to write the new lyrics. Lemme see.
[writes] no [writes] No. [writes] NO! [writes] God-damnit [takes the
sheet and squeezes it into a wad]
|
| Jeffrey: |
[enters the room] How is it going, Eric?
|
| Cartman: |
Terrible! [turns and faces Jeffrey] I can't write the
lyrics for the third act! Nothing's coming to me.
|
| Jeffrey: |
Well, you know in theater sometimes, we try different
tricks to get the creative juices flowing.
|
| Cartman: |
Like what?
|
| Jeffrey: |
Let's see. [closes the door behind him] Helen Keller
was blind and deaf. [walks to Cartman's side desk] Perhaps you should
see what it is like. Deprive yourself of your senses and see what plays
inside your mind. Here. [turns Cartman around and puts a blindfold on
him.]
|
| Cartman: |
Hey, that's not a bad idea.
|
| Jeffrey: |
[puts some headphones on him] Just relax. Just try to
let your mind wander and let the juices flow… [a long pause.
then a series of images present themselves]
|
|
[First, the portrait of
Helem Keller. Then nothng. Then Helen Keller again, then a banana
split, then Helen again, then a human skull. Cartman is disturbed. Then
Helen, the skull, another skull, Helen, a mummy whose hair moves a bit,
bombs dropping from planes, a sinister clown, the banana split, a body
being prepped for opeartion, the banana split, a wall with "GO DEAD BE
DEAD" written in blood on it, a Russian show of military might, Helen,
animals tearing at something, a riot, a close-up of a snake, an atomic
bomb test, a lasik experiment. Cartman. The first skull, "GO DEAD BE
DEAD", the skull, the experiment, the skull, the experiment, a woman
wailing in the flames, open-heart surgery, a rat eating a dead rat, the
banana split, a mouth being pulled open, Helen, a Nazi troop march, a
fireman in an inferno, the Hindenberg bursting in flame, an alien
opening its mouth and the camera zooms in… Cartman takes the
blindfold
and headphones off]
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, man!
|
| Jeffrey: |
Well, did you see anything?
|
| Cartman: |
No, just the same old crap I always see when I close my
eyes.
|
| Jeffrey: |
…Oh, that's too bad.
|
| Cartman: |
Wait. I've got it! The perfect setup for when Helen
Keller's pet turkey jumps through the hoop of fire! [starts writing
furiously] Yes! Yes! I have it now!
|
|
[South Park,
residential street, day. Timmy rolls along dejected and turns to anothr
street. He remembers what Lamond said as he rolls]
|
| Lamond: |
[his head appears beside Timmy] The only way for that
turkey to avoid years of torture is for you to… let him
go… [fades as it echoes] let him go… let him
go…[the head disappears]
|
| Timmy: |
[stops and lets Gobbles go] Gobbles! [points away so
Gobbles could leave. Gobbles moves his head in that direction, but
nothng else] Gobbles!! [turns around and rolls away. Gobbles follows
him and gobbles. Timmy turns around again and face Gobbles] Gobbles.
Gobbles! [points away again, turns and rools away. Gobbles followss ome
more] Timmih. [a tear appears in his eye] Timmih, Gobbles. [turns
away and rolls off, leaving Gobbles alone. The camera pulls back and
moves to the first house on the right side. A man and son sit on their
doorway]
|
| Boy: |
Daddy, why did Mommy leave and go to heaven?
|
| Father: |
She didn't want to, Kevin. She… had no
choice. |
| Boy: |
But I miss her. [father and son start to cry. The
camera moves to a bench on which two men sit]
|
| Elderly man: |
[his middle-aged son comforts him] I could have so much
more with my life, son. I've wasted it. I've wasted it, not ever
telling you and Mark that I love you. [both men start to cry. The
camera moves to a girl crying over a dead dog.]
|
| Girl: |
Robby! Robby, no! [cries uncontrollably. The camera
moves to a couple in discord. the woman is sad]
|
| Woman: |
…Because now, every time I look at you [he
tries to console her], I see her! [she swats his arm away] I have to
move on.
|
| Man: |
Kelly, please. Don't do this. I'm sorry.
|
| Kelly: |
Then why did you do it?? [breaks down and sobs]
|
| Man: |
I don't know! [beings to cry, too, and rests his head
on her shoulder. The camera moves to a lady with something to say]
|
| Lady: |
Have you done the right things in your life? [the
camera looks up into the sky as it fades into night]
|
|
[The South Park
Community Theatre, Wednesday, play day. The parents arrive and take
seats. Mrs. Marsh finds Mrs. Broflovski siiting in the audience
already, and walks up to her]
|
| Sharon: |
Hi, Sheila.
|
| Sheila: |
Hello, Sharon. Where's your husband?
|
| Sharon: |
Oh, he's in the back. He set up a video camera so he
can tape the performance.
|
| Sheila: |
Oh, so did Gerald. [indeed, all the husbands are in the
back of the theatre with video cameras at the ready]
|
| Gerald: |
Oh yeah, I got a great angle here.
|
| Randy: |
Ey, Gerald, maybe after the show we can make copies of
each other's tape so we have both.
|
| Gerald: |
Good idea.
|
|
[The South Park Community
Theatre, stage. The kids mill around backstage]
|
| Kyle: |
So wait. Do we do that spin-around thing on the last
beat?
|
| Stan: |
No, it's on the 'en or the 'ay. [Timmy rolls slowly in ]
|
| Kyle: |
You ready for the big show, Timmy?
|
| Stan: |
Where's Gobbles, Timmy?
|
| Timmy: |
Gobbles.
|
| Cartman: |
[cheerfully] Alright everybody, let's take our places!
|
| Kyle: |
Cartman, where's Timmy's turkey?
|
| Cartman: |
I don't know. [Stan and Kyle cross their arms]
I don't know, you guys! Alright, maybe I tried to have Timmy's turkey
crushed by a stage light, but I didn't do anything else. I'm not an
asshole.
|
| Lamond: |
You're going to be brilliant, you sexy, gorgeous
turkey. With that other meddling animal out of the way, you'll steal
the show! [Alinicia gobbles]
|
|
[South Park, business
district, day. Gobbles walks along the curb as cars zip by, then
decides to cross the street. A car zips be and Gobbles steps back. The
camera angle shows Gobbles' view of the car that almost ran over him]
|
| Driver: |
[walks up to collect Gobbles] Well, well, what are
doing out here? [picks him up] You shouldn't be out walking the
streets. [opens
his truck, tosses Gobbles in, and rushes to the cab of the truck. The
side of the truck reads, "Uncle Joe's Fresh Turkey. Succulent and Juicy
Turkeys," with a plump turkeyy in the background. The driver takes off
quickly]
|
|
[Uncle Joe's Fresh
Turkey truck, trailer section. Gobbles finds himself along near the
doors and looks up to see a group of turkeys looking back at him. Then
the turkeys look up, and Gobbles does also. What they see is a sign
that reads, "Thanksgiving Turkey. Killed Humanely." Gobbles looks at
the turkeys, who look back, and then drops his head]
|
|
[The South Park Community
Theatre, stage. Mr. Garrison is present to introduce the show.]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Hello, parents, and welcome to the 13th annual South
Park Thanksgiving Pageant.
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
[bored, rests his head on his hand] Every year the
fourth graders do "The Miracle Worker," and every year I have to sit
and watch it.
|
| Principal Victoria: |
Yeah, I swore that if I had to see it one more time,
I'd put a bullet in my head. [demonstrates with her finger] But luckily
I got really stoned before I came.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
And now, here it is. The touching story of Helen
Keller, "The Miracle Worker." [walks off. The parents are seen
clapping, and then the curtains open up to reveal kids dancing and
doing acrobatic feats]
|
| Kids: |
Helen Keller, Helen Keller, blind as a bat.
She can't hear us speak. What's up with that?
|
| Sheila: |
This is "The Miracle Worker"?
|
| Sharon: |
I… well… maybe. [more dancing
follows]
|
| Principal Victoria: |
Oh, oh, haha. Wow.
|
|
[Uncle Joe's Fresh
Turkey factory. The truck backs up to building 2B and dumps its cargo
into a chute. The turkeys tumble down into a holding room and recover.
Gobbles ends up there and looks up at a sign: "Our Turkeys are
killed…
HUMANELY!!!"]
|
| Wrangler: |
[a vertical door rises and he directs the turkeys] Come
on. Yaah! Move it!
|
|
[the turkeys leave the
room and enter another one. A movie screen faces them. Another worker
appears and closes the door behind the turkeys. The turkeys remain
excited until a movie comes up with sweeping views of nature. The
turkeys calm down, and a view of clouds zipping along the sky follows.
Then waterfalls. The lights come up and a giant saw comes out and chops
the heads off all the turkeys save one. The saw rises. Only Gobbles
survives, and he keeps his head low as he finds a clearing. A large
board appears and pushes the decapitated turkeys out an opening on the
opposite wall. The bodies are then lifted up and returned to the truck
they came in, but the building they come out of is 3C. Gobbles falls
off the truck and ends up on the floor. Jimbo and other South Park
hunters pass by and notice]
|
| Jimbo: |
Holy crow. Look, boys! A real live wild turkey!
[Gobbles sees the hunters and tries to run away.] It's tryin' to
outsmart us! Come on, fellas! [they pursue Gobbles]
|
|
[The South Park Community
Theatre, stage. The audience watches as Wendy]
|
| Wendy: |
John, come quick! Our little baby's very sick
[Stan rushes in]
When I pout she doesn't flinch, and when she doesn't move an inch.
|
| Stan: |
No, that cannot be. Honey you are scaring me.
|
| Wendy: |
She can't see hear, John. Watch. Helen!
|
| Stan: |
Helen!
|
| Wendy: |
…Helen! [the audience stares in disbelief]
I think our baby's deaf and blind. Oh no!
|
| Stan: |
Oh no! [they lean on each other]
|
| Wendy: |
Oh no! Oh no!!! [both collapse to
the floor, and the curtains close. Alinicia trots in and gets the
spotlight. She then performs her feats. She hops up on a small stand,
walks a tightrope, and hops off the stand at the other end. She hops
through a hoop and lands on a thrid stand, then pulls the cover off a
sign introducing the next scene: "Scene 2, Eight Years Later" and takes
a bow. A few people clap]
|
|
[The South Park Community
Theatre, backstage. Timmy and Lamond watch Alinicia perform.] |
| Lamond: |
She's brilliant! Everyone loves her so far. [the two
workers approach him]
|
| Cartman: |
[rushes up] Hey, the fountains you guys installed are
shorting out some of our lights.
|
| Installer: |
Look, we're only here to do the water effects. We're
not in charge of electrical. That's a different union.
|
| Timmy: |
[looks at Cartman] Timmih?
|
| Cartman: |
Union Mafia bastards! [Timmy looks at Lamond in fear]
|
| Lamond: |
Oh, heh. Look, Tim, all is well in love and theatre,
right? Haha.
|
| Timmy: |
[throws off his wig and turns to wheel away] Gobbles!!
[zips out]
|
|
[The South Park Community
Theatre, stage. Cartman rushes up to the other kids]
|
| Cartman |
Were is Timmy?! He's on in one minute!
|
| Kyle: |
He's gone, dude! Butters says he saw him leave.
|
| Cartman: |
Leave?? Leave?? But nobody else knows the part of Helen
Keller!
|
| Jeffrey: |
[approaches the boys] I do. I know the part. If I must,
I can go on.
|
| Cartman: |
…Alright, fine! Get in costume!
|
|
[South Park, business
district, day. Timmy wheels down the street past Tele's calling
out…]
|
| Timmy: |
Gobbles! Gobbles!
|
|
[The barn. Gobbles returns to
his prior home, and the hunters follow him there]
|
| Jimbo: |
[prepares his rifle] There it is! [three other men
prepare their rifles] Hey, hey! I saw it first! I get the first shot!
[aims his rifle and spots the turkey] Here, turkey turkey. [focuses on
the turkey]
|
|
[The South Park Community
Theatre, stage. Stan, Kyle, Wendy, and Jeffrey are in costume]
|
| Wendy: |
There is nothing we can do for our poor daughter. We
cannot reach her.
|
| Jeffrey: |
[lyrically] I cannot hear what they are saying. I
cannot tell them how I feel.
|
| Cartman: |
What the hell is he doing? Helen Keller isn't supposed
to sing!
|
| Jeffrey: |
If only I could say things that go on in my mind.
|
| Principal Victoria: |
[touched] Oh, wow.
|
|
[The barn. Jimbo still has
Gobbles in his sights]
|
| Jimbo: |
That's it. Thaaat's it! [about to pull the trigger]
|
| Timmy: |
Gobbles! [sees Jimbo and is alarmed]
|
| Jimbo: |
Gotcha!
|
| Timmy: |
[Slow motion, jumps out of his chair and dives towards]
Gobbles! [flies
through the air. Jimbo fires his rifle, and Timmy falls on the floor
limp. Jimbo sees what he's done, and all the hunters lower their
rifles. Gobble's head pops up behind Timmy. The other hunters whistle
and move away slowly, leaving Jimbo and Ned alone. Gobbles walks up to
Timmy and nudges him] T-timmih? [Gobbles pokes him] Gobbles? [slowly
comes to, then quickly sits up] Gobbles! Haaaah. [brushes himself off
and gathers Gobbles up in his arms]
|
| Jimbo: |
[rushes up to Timmy] Aw, thank God you're alright, kid.
[goes down on one knee] It was an accident, I swear. Uh, is there any
way we can make it up to you?
|
| Timmy: |
[determined] Timmih.
|
|
[The South Park Community
Theatre, stage. Bebe, and Jeffrey are in costume. Bebe pumps water onto
Jeffrey's hand]
|
| Bebe: |
Yes, that's it. [Jeffrey keeps his hand under the water]
That's it, Helen. Water! WA-TER! |
| Jeffrey: |
Wawa.
|
| Bebe: |
She did it!
|
| Kids: |
[in the background, come forward] She did it! She did
it! Water! Water water aaaaaaaa!
Water, Helen, Water.
We can't believe she did it.The dumb kid really did it.
Water, Helen, Water.
|
| Jeffrey: |
Now that I can communicate the world is not so cold and
dark. [Cartman slaps his head and the waterworks begin]
|
| Kids: |
[slowing]
Water, Helen, Aaa-aaaaaa!
[the waterworks go up real high and two fountainheads
crash into each other]
|
| Lamond: |
[prepping Alinicia] Here it comes, angel! Your big
finale! The audience is going to go wild! [a shadow enters the scene
and Lamond looks up. He sees Gobbles and an angry Timmy with arms
crossed glaring at him] Oh. Back already? Don't worry. Maynard covered
your part flawlessly. |
| Timmy: |
Timmih! [the hunters gather and take aim at Alinicia]
|
| Jimbo: |
Turkey shoot! [the hunters fire away and decimate
Alinicia. Her blood spurts all over Lamond, who shields his eyes.]
|
| Lamond: |
[He falls on one knee at the horror] Alinicia! Jesus,
no!
|
| Timmy: |
Aaaa, Timmih!
|
| Cartman: |
[walks up with Kyle] Okay, we're ready for the- [stops
in his tracks and stares at the dead Alinicia.] What the hell did you
assholes do?! This is supposed to be the big finale where the turkey
jumps through the ring of fire!
|
| Kyle: |
[steps forward and points] Hey, look! [onstage, Gobbles
approaches the ring of fire and steps through it. The kids grin
immedately]
|
| Principal Victoria: |
[in awe] Oh. Oh, wow! WOWuh! [starts to clap. The
audience soon follows]
|
| Cartman: |
[exults] They loved it! They LOVED it!
|
| Timmy: |
Gobbles!
|
|
[The South Park Community
Theatre, stage, night. Mr. Garrison is onstage to introduce the last
skit of the night]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
And finally tonight, parents, we have the South Park
Kindergarten class. Their play is titled, "Thanksgiving, Mon Ami."
|
| Stan: |
Okay, here we go. [the kids are still backstage, but in
their street clothes]
|
| Kyle: |
Dude, it just can't be better than ours. It just can't
be.
|
| Kindergartners: |
[four little pilgrims enter singing to a long
table in front of a cabin and a tipi]
It's getting dinner. Let's all eat.
E I E I O.
And on that dinner we'll invite some Indians
E I E I O.
[four little Indians appear and take their seats at the
table]
With an Indian here and an Indian there
Everywhere an Indian, Indian. Uh thank, thank-
[something pops by the middle
of the table…] |
| Pilgrim Girl: |
[runs off] Aaaaaaa!
|
| Kindergartners: |
Happy Thanksgiving. [another kindergartner wheels a
horse prop onstage. The curtains then close]
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Alright, see you next year, parents. [a hush falls over
the audience and the actors backstage] |
| Cartman: |
That's it?
|
| Stan: |
We worked our asses off to compete with that?!
|
| Kyle: |
Butters told us their play was awesome! [the kids move
away from Butters a bit]
|
| Butters: |
…Wow, did you see that? They had a horse,
too!
|
| Timmy: |
Gobbles, deh!
|
|
[End of Thanksgiving Special] |
