|
[South Park Elementary, day,
Ms. Choksondik's classroom. Ms. Choksondik enters and stands before the
blackboard.] |
| Ms. Choksondik: |
Alright, children, as I'm sure you all remember, today
we are going to continue our biology lesson… b dissecting an
organism. |
| Class: |
Yeah! [There are new seating
arrangements to note: Wendy now sits to Stan's left. Timmy sits in the
back of the class. Pip sits behind Kenny. Two students not seen before
join the class]
|
| Bebe, New Kud: |
Woohoo.
|
| Ms. Choksondik: |
[walks off] Now, what we are going to dissect today is
the West Indian manatee. [return with a large dolly stacked with
manatee corpses. Stan and Kyle glance at each other] Manatees are
mammals that live in the oceans and are often called the gentle clowns
of the sea.
|
| Wendy: |
Aha, Ms. Choksondik, aren't manatees endangered?
|
| Ms. Choksondik: |
They sure are, Wendy, and that's why we must learn
what's inside them. [pushes the dolly towards the class and hands the
manatees out] Now, we don't have quite enough [one goes to Butters]
manatees to go around, so I think we're gonna have to split up into
groups of four. [Stan and Jordan get manate es]
|
| Butters: |
Hey! Ours is still alive! |
| Ms. Choksondik: |
[walks up and looks] Oh, hold on. [walks
away. The manatee raises its head. Ms. Choksondik returns with a brick
and brings it down hard on the manatee's head twice, killing it and
exposing its brain. Butters is stunned. Ms. Choksondik returns to the
front of the class] Now, children, our first incision will be along the
abdomen.
|
| Stan: |
[holding his knife] I can't do it, dude.
|
| Kyle: |
Aw, don't be such a baby! [takes the knife, blinks,
then offers it to Kenny] You do it, Kenny.
|
| Kenny: |
(Nuh uh!)
|
| Kyle: |
Come, on, Kenny! I'll give you five bucks to do it!
|
| Kenny: |
(FIVE BUCKS???) [grabs the knife and starts cutting
away]
|
| Stan: |
Too bad Cartman's missng this. He must be really sick.
|
|
[The Cartman house,
living room. Cartman and his mom watch TV. Cartman laughs. Terrance and
Phillip are on. They are dressed as detectives They look at a corpse
with a dagger stabbed into the chest]
|
| Phillip: |
Say Terrance, this body appears to have been moved
since the murder. Look at the forensic evidence around the torso.
|
| Terrance: |
I don't see anything. |
| Phillip: |
Look closer. [Terrance looks closer] Closer. [Terrance
bends down further. Phillip holds Terance's head down] Hunh-nh.
|
| Terrance: |
I still don't see anything, Phillip.
|
| Phillip: |
Waitwait. Hunh.
|
| Cartman: |
I know what's gonna happen, Mom. You wanna know what's
gonna happen?
|
| Phillip: |
[grunts softly] Keep looking, Terrance. The forensic
evidence is right around here. [grunts
long, farts, and cackles. The camera pulls back to reveal Terrance
standing on a stool. Phillip looks to see Terrance ready to fart on
him. Terrance lets loose…] Ah! […and Phillip is
blown into a nearby wall, then falls on his side] Af!
|
| Terrance: |
AAHahahahahahaaa!
|
| Cartman: |
Whoa! That totally surprised me! [his mom looks at him]
I can't believe how the show manages to stay fresh. |
| Liane: |
Eh yes, sweetie.
|
| Cartman: |
[sweetly] Mom.can you go make me a toaster pastry
chocolate-mix butter bar? [grins]
|
| Liane: |
Oohh, honey, why don't you make it yourself? [his grin
vanishes] Mommy's [looks away] expecting [looks back] some company.
|
| Cartman: |
God, I have to everythng around here!
|
|
[The Cartman house,
kitchen. Cartman grabs a stool and walks over to the kitchen counter
with it. He starts singing softly as he prepares his dish. He pulls out
some Pop Toasties and puts them in a toaster, gets some powdered
chocolate milk and a stick of butter, rolls the butter in the powdered
milk, gets the Pop Toasties, and places the chocolate-covered butter
between the two Pop Toasties. He squeezes down for good measure and
makes his way out of the kitchen.]
|
|
[The Cartman house, living
room. Cartman enters singing to himself]
|
| Cartman: |
I'mo drag home myself, babih. But
the- [blinks and looks up. In the living room now with his mom are
Stan's parents, Kyle's parents, Mr. Mackey, Mr. Garrison, and Dr.
Doctor.] What the hell's going on?
|
| Liane: |
Uh, sweetie, your friends wanted to have a "talk" with
you.
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Eric, your friends and your family are all…
concerned about your weight. M'kay?
|
| Cartman: |
[incredulous] What?!
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
We believe that you might have a problem. |
| Cartman: |
You're God-damn right I have a problem! Terrance and
Phillip is on and I don't have anywhere to sit! Now what the hell is
this?!
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
It's called intervention, Eric.
|
| Liane: |
Your friends and I have all chipped in and we're going
to send you up to a weight-management retreat.
|
| Cartman: |
Fat camp?
|
| Dr. Doctor: |
Yes, fat camp.
|
| Cartman: |
Alright, I don't know who the hell put you all up to
this, [grabs his creation and drops the plate on the floor] but I am
sure as hell not going to any gay-ass fat camp! |
| Mr. Mackey: |
Now, Eric, all these people came here and paid to send
you to camp because they care about you.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
Yeah, except for me. I just wanted to see the look on
your face when they told you.
|
| Cartman: |
[pleading] Mom, tell them! Tell them I'm not fat, I'm
just big-boned! Tell them all those stories about how everyone in your
famiy was big as a child but then grew into their bodies!
|
| Liane: |
Oh, sweetie, those were all lies. You're just fat.
[Cartman is stunned. A piece of Pop Toasties falls on the floor]
|
|
[South Park Elementary,
day, Ms. Choksondik's class. The manatees have been dissected in
various places, and body parts are all over the desks and floor. A
drawing of the manatee and its organs is now on the blackboard.]
|
| Ms. Choksondik: |
And now we will be removing the spleen. Notice how the
manatee's spleen is designed for a qu- |
| Principal Victoria: |
[opens the door and peeks in] Ah, Ms. Choksondik, can
we have a quick word with you?
|
| Ms. Choksondik: |
[puts down the pointer and goes towards the door]
Alright, continue with the removal of the spleen, childen. I'll be
right back. [opens the door and exits.]
|
| Kyle: |
[working on his manatee] Aw, dude, check this out.
[pulls out the spleen with some scissors] |
| Stan: |
[off-screen] That's so gross.
|
| Kyle: |
Hey, Kenny. How much for you to eat this?
|
| Kenny: |
(I'm not eatin' that!)
|
| Kyle: |
I'll give you ten bucks to eat it.
|
| Stan: |
I'll throw in five.
|
|
[South Park Elementary, day,
hallway. Principal Victoria talks to Ms. Choksondik there.]
|
| Principal Victoria: |
And so apparently there's been a little mixup. The
manatees were meant to go to the Denver Shelter Aquarium and the frogs
were meant to come here.
|
| Ms. Choksondik: |
Oh dear.
|
|
[South Park Elementary,
day, Ms. Choksondik's class. Some desks have been moved aside and the
kids continue contributing to the kitty…]
|
| Butters: |
I'll throw in a dollar!
|
| Bebe: |
I've got three.
|
| Kyle: |
Come on, dude. All you gotta do is eat it very fast!
|
| Stan: |
[off-screen, enticing] forty-one bucks. [Kenny jumps up
and starts eating it. The others groan and moan] Eww-ho-hoo! He did it! |
| Ms. Choksondik: |
[returns to the front of the class] Alright, children,
now, let's get back in our seats. Uh, we are now going to put the
manatees back together. [the kids blink with surprise]
|
|
[A wooded area, day. A
camp is shown in some hills. It is called "Hopeful Hills Children's
Weight Management Center." The Cartman station wagon drives into the
camp] |
| Liane: |
…And it has basketball courts and tennis
courts, and you can call Mommy any time you want. [Cartman has been
looking away all this time. She looks at him]
Oh, sweetie-kins, don't be mad. I'm sure you're going to have a good
time. And when you come back you'll be all healthy and thin. [the
station wagon pulls up to the Hopeful Hills REGISTRATION building]
|
| Male Counselor: |
Howdy there. I'm one of the weight counselors here.
This must be Eric Cartman.
|
| Liane: |
Yes. I'm afraid he's a little moody.
|
| Male Counselor: |
Oh, we'll change that. [bends down next to the
passenger window] Hello, camper. My name is Rick. How are you doing?
|
| Cartman: |
Well, I'm pissed off!, Rick! How are you?
|
| Rick: |
I'm doing great! Why don't you come on out and we'll
get yo oriented. [stands up and Cartman exits the car] I'll take care
of him from here, ma'am.
|
| Liane: |
Oh. [bows and opens her arms to hug Cartman] Well,
goodbye, sweetie.
|
| Cartman: |
[darkly] Don't touch me! [moves away a bit]
|
| Rick: |
Eric, this is the beginning of a whole new life for
you!
|
|
[Hopeful Hills
Children's Weight Management Center, later. A group of kids, all of
them fat, stand in a circle and look at each other.]
|
| Brunette: |
[to Cartman's right] Have you got any candy?
|
| Cartman: |
No.
|
| Taller Boy |
[to Cartman's left] My mon says I ain't to eat no candy
here. I'm s'psoed to lose weight.
|
| Rick: |
[walks up to the group enthusiastically]
Alright! Everybody's here and that means we can get down to business!
Over the next few weeks we're gonna learn that losing weight is [jumps]
fun, right gang?
|
| Taller Boy: |
Right.
|
| Rick: |
Wait a second. [holds his right hand to his ear] Do you
kids hear something? [drops his hand] I could've swore that-
|
| Pink Monster: |
Raaarrrr!!! [a woman in costume]
|
| Rick: |
Oh no, kids! It's glutinous fat!
|
| Pink Monster: |
I'm gonna take over your body and make you slow!
[starts hopping around]
|
| Rick: |
Oh! What are we going to do? Wait! I know! I could
knock it out! With… Exercise! [holds up an EXERCISE paddle,
strikes the monster on the head with it, and tosses it away]
And… Proper Diet. [does the same with a PROPER DIET paddle]
|
| Pink Monster: |
Oh no! Exercise and proper diet have killed me. [falls
over on her side]
|
| Rick: |
I guess we took care of that bad old fat, didn't we
kids?
|
| Taller Boy: |
Yeah! [Cartman glares at him]
|
| Rick: |
Well, hold on a second. Because that glutinous fat was
really our good friend, Susan, [she pops out of the costume] who's
another weight counselor! [she jumps out in front of the costume and
exults]
|
| Taller Boy: |
Heh! It was a lady in a costume!
|
| Cartman: |
[miffed] Would somebody put this retard out of his
misery?!
|
|
[South Park Elementary, day,
playground. Stan and Pip stand by Kenny, who's groaning in pain and
holding his stomach.]
|
| Kyle: |
[walks up with Butters] What's the matter?
|
| Stan: |
Kenny's not feeling so good. That manatee spleen made
him sick. [Clyde and Token come in from the right, Wendy and Bebe come
in from the left. Stan comforts Kenny.]
|
| Kyle: |
Uh oh. I guess we shouldn't have made him eat it. [Stan
jumps back as Kenny starts vomiting the spleen up. Stan and Kyle watch
in shock]
|
| Kids: |
Eewww.
|
| Stan: |
Well, at least you got it out of your system.
|
| Kyle: |
Aw, dude! You can still kinda see the spleen! [Butters
looks at him] How much, Kenny?
|
| Kenny: |
(WHAT?!)
|
| Kyle: |
I'll give you five bucks.to eat your puke. |
| Butters: |
Huh-I'm in for five!
|
| Stan: |
Oh, you guys!
|
| Clyde: |
I've got three.
|
| Token: |
Six!
|
| Butters: |
Uh-here. Uh-you can scoop it up in my R. Kelly thermos.
[Kenny takes it and opens it up, then bends to scoop the vomit up into
the thermos]
|
| Kyle: |
That's 19 bucks, Kenny! [more kids gather]
|
| Kenny: |
(Ungh.) [goes ahead and eats his vomit]
|
| Kids arond Kenny:: |
AAAAA!
|
| Kids around Timmy:: |
Waugh.
|
| Kyle: |
Kick ass, dude!
|
| Stan: |
You know, dude, there might be something to this.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. People are willing to pay big money to see Kenny
do this stuff.
|
|
[Hopeful Hills
Children's Weight Management Center, later. The counselors come up over
a hill and down the other side jogging. They stop]
|
| Rick: |
Doing great kids! Come on! [they resume jogging and the
fat kids lumber to the top of the hill panting behind them. Cartman
stops and droops]
|
| Cartman: |
[resumes jogging] This… is…
bullcrap!
|
|
[Hopeful Hills Children's
Weight Management Center, mess hall, after dinner. Rick is talking to
the kids]
|
| Rick: |
Well, I sure enjoyed my carrots and protein bar! How
about you, gang?
|
| Cartman: |
[in withdrawal] I'm starving. This is it. I'm going to
die here.
|
| Susan: |
[cheerfully arrives with a loaded plate] I hope you all
left room for dessert. Soybean pudding for everybody! [serves a plate
of the stuff to everyone there, starting with Cartman's table]
|
| Brunet Boy: |
[to Cartman's left] Are you going to eat your soybean
pudding?
|
| Cartman: |
[shoves his plate to the boy] Take it! I can't eat this
crap!
|
| Blonde Girl: |
[to Cartman's right] Me neither. I have to have sugar
or I'm going to die.
|
| Cartman: |
[to the girl] Yeah, well, when I was in prison, we used
to sneak stuff in by hiding it up oour ass.
|
| Brunet Boy: |
I have some Fudge 'Ems up my ass. You want some?
|
| Cartman: |
Psss. Yeah, I'm not falling for that one again!
|
|
[Hopeful Hills Children's
Weight Management Center, night. Cartman sneaks out and creeps along
the side of the campers' cabin]
|
| Cartman: |
Alright, Clyde Frog. We just gotta clear the counselor
building and we're free. [sees the entrance and races for it. He exits
and races through the meadow until he reaches a road.]
We did it, Clyde Frog! Now the only question is, do we go home to our
traitor moms and friends, or do we start a new life on the run? [an ice
cream truck approaches him] An ice cream truck! Hey wait! [races up to
the truck. The driver exits the cab] Boy, am I glad to see you!
|
| Driver: |
Can I interest you in some ice cream?
|
| Cartman: |
You're damn right you can! Two Roller Pops, please!
|
| Driver: |
[goes to the back of the truck, opens the doors, and
pulls out one pop.] Alrighty, do you want this kind or this kind?
[points to the inside of the truck. Cartman looks]
|
| Cartman: |
Hunh? [is lifted up] Uuh! [and
tossed into the truck. The doors are closed behind him, and he looks
up. Before him sit four other kids who have tried to escape]
|
| Boy 1: |
[on bench at left]They tricked us again, huh?
|
| Cartman: |
[stands up] Aw, God-damnit! [turns] LET ME OUT OF HMYA!
[pounds on the back doors]
|
| Driver: |
Hang on, we'll be back at camp in a matter of no time.
[drives into camp]
|
|
[Hopeful Hills
Children's Weight Management Center, moments later. The campers' cabin
door is opened and the five escapees return to their bunks]
|
| Boy 1: |
They always get us. Sometimes it's a ice cream truck,
sometimes it's a taco stand. But they always fool us..
|
| Taller Boy: |
Heh-I can't help it. I'd give anything. Any amount of
money for some candy. [Rick and Susan pop into the campers' cabin.]
|
| Rick: |
Hey kids!
|
| Sussan: |
Looks like we had some attemptted escapees again
tonight.
|
| Rick: |
Escape-aroo! Now campers, I know that
camp is tough, but you have to believe that you can do it. And you have
to know that until you drop the weight, you can't leave.
|
| Susan: |
[bends forward sweetly a bit and cocks her head to the
left] Thre is no escape.
|
| Rick: |
So let's just all put on our try-hard helmets, and
accept that the only way for us to get out of camp, is to LOSE THE
WEIGHT
|
| Eric: |
[pissed off] Aw, damnit!
|
|
[South Park, the
Cartman house. Butters and Timmy have replaced Cartman in the boy's
group for now, and they stand in front of the Broflosdki parents, Mr.
Mackey, Mr. Garrison, Sharon March, Principal Victoria, and Dr. Doctor.
They argue amongst themselves.]
|
| Gerald: |
That's what being young is all about.
|
| Mr. Garrison: |
[at the same time] But that's not the question.
|
| Liane: |
Thanks for coming, everybody.
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Uh what's all this about, Mrs. Cartman? Is Eric having
trouble at havin' trouble at his weight-management camp?
|
| Stan: |
We knew he wouldn't make it.
|
| Liane: |
Oh, no. Quite the contrary. Eric
showed up and surprised me last night. Ladies and gentlemen, I would
like to present to you… the new Eric Cartman. [steps to one
side as Cartman enters]
|
| New Cartman: |
Hey, dudes!
|
| Kyle: |
Whoa! [the others look stunned]
|
| Stan: |
I don't believe it.
|
| Liane: |
Believe it. He lost 40 pounds at his fat camp.
[everyone gathers round Cartman]
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Eric, that's fantastic, m'kay?!
|
| Principal Victoria: |
Congratulations. How do you feel?
|
| New Cartman: |
I feel awesome!
|
| Kyle: |
What did they do with all the fat? There must have been
enough to last an Eskimo family months.
|
| New Cartman: |
You know, Kyle? There was a time
when your fat jokes would have gotten to me. But now I'm totally slim
and totally happy! In fact, I'd say I'm [leans a bit to eye Kyle's
belly] a little bit trimmer than you, fatboy! [stands erect] Heh heh.
Just kidding, Kyle.
|
| Liane: |
I made some healthy tofu pudding to celebrate. Who
wants some?
|
| Cartman: |
Memememeee! [the group heads for the kitchen while Stan
and Kyle stay behind]
|
| Kyle: |
Dude. I don't know if I'm going to like the new Eric
Cartman.
|
| Stan: |
Did you like the old one?
|
| Kyle: |
Good point.
|
|
[Jesus and Pals]
|
| Announcer: |
And now back to Jesus and Pals, on South Park Public
Access.
|
| Jesus: |
[with the new Cartman] Back to
our courageous story of a little boy's triumph over obesity. Eric, yea.
You found that the Spirit of the Lord inside you gave you strength.
|
| New Cartman: |
No. Actually, I found a diet that totally works.
|
| Jesus: |
A little boy who overcame the odds. Let's hear it for
Eric Cartman! [the studio audience applauds] Well, our second guest
tonight is a young man named Kenny McCormick, who is going to eat dog
crap. Kenny? [Kenny
enters with Stan, Kyle, and a dog. Music begins as a spotlighht falls n
Kenny. The dog turns his ass to Kenny and craps. A musical riff plays
as Kenny picks the crap up and the audience groans with disgust. Some
of them cover their eyes. Kenny lifts the crap dramatically into the
air a wailing female joins the music. Another riff plays as Kenny
swallows the crap. A small pedestal appears under him and pushes him up
and around. The audience groans some more, Kenny finishes off the crap,
and the audience beings to cheer. The new Cartman is pissed]
|
| New Cartman: |
God-damnit, all I got was a little golf clap!
|
| Jesus: |
[hesitant] Thanks for coming on the show, Kenny.
|
| Kenny: |
[gracious] (Sure!)
|
| Man 1: |
Do it again!
|
| Man 2: |
Do it again!
|
| Man 3: |
Hey kid! I'll give you 20 bucks to eat a really old
piece of bacon!
|
| New Cartman: |
This is ridiculous! [picks at his eye]
|
| Jesus: |
So. Kenny, how did you discover that you had
this… talent?
|
| Stan: |
We thought of it, Jesus. I mean, Kenny's the one that
does it all, but we were the masterminds of the whole thing.
|
| Jesus: |
I can't say I approve of this, my children.
|
| Kyle: |
[he and Stan look at Jesus for a moment] Huh? Why not?
|
| Jesus: |
Because Kenny is only doing things that anybody could
do. For money. He's a prostitute.
|
| Man 4: |
I'll pay him 50 bucks to eat someone else's vomit.
|
| Man 5: |
Yeah!
|
| Man 6: |
Yeah! Go for it!
|
| Stan: |
[to Kyle] What's a prostitute?
|
| Kyle: |
I don't know.
|
|
[South Park Elementary,
day, cafeteria. The kids mill around and eat during lunchtime. In line
for their lunches are Criag, Tweek, Butters, and a few others. In the
kitchen Stan, Kyle, and Kenny arrive for their lunches.]
|
| Chef: |
[behind the sneeze guard, as usual] Hello there,
children!
|
| Stan, Kyle, Kenny: |
Hey, Chef:
|
| Stan: |
Chef, what's a prostitute?
|
| Chef: |
[ponders, then displeased]
Dag-nabbit children! How come every time you come in here you gotta be
askin' me questons that I shouldn't be answering?! "Chef, what's the
clitoris?" "What's a lesbian, Chef?" "How come they call it a rim jub,
Chef?" [the boys blink. Stan and Kyle look at each other] For once,
can't just come in here and say, "Hi Chef. Nice day, isn't it?"!
|
| Stan: |
Hi Chef. Nice day, isn't it?
|
| Chef: |
[pleased] It sure is! Thank you.
|
| Stan: |
Chef, what's a prostitute?
|
| Chef: |
Uh uh! You children are gonna get me in trouble with
the principal again.
|
| New Cartman: |
[joins the other boys] Lunchtime! I'm starved!
|
| Chef: |
Oh my God. Eric?
|
| New Cartman: |
That's me.
|
| Stan: |
Chef was just about to tell us what a protitute is.
|
| Chef: |
Why do you need to know what a prostitue is anyway?!
|
| Stan: |
Because Jesus told us that Kenny's a prostitute. Is he?
|
| Kenny: |
(Yeah. Am I?)
|
| Chef: |
Well, no, uh of course Kenny is not a prostitute.
|
| Kyle: |
Why?
|
| Chef: |
Well, because, children, a prostitute is someone
who… you could pay for certain services.
|
| Stan: |
Like what?
|
| Chef: |
Like keeping you company. Understand?
|
| Stan: |
No.
|
| Chef: |
You see, chidren, sometimes a man needs to be with a
woman. But sometimes, when the lovin' is over, the woman just wants to
talk and talk and talk and talk. [begins singing]
But a prostitute is someonen who would love you
No matter who you are, or what you look like. Yes, it's true, children.
[the new
Crtman looks at the other boys as he starts sneaking away. They don't notice
him. Other kids, Jordan, Token, Clyde, Butters, and
Bebe, enter the kitchen]
That's not why you pay a prostitute,
no, you don't pay her to stay, you pay her to leave afterwards.
[Principal
Victoria arrives and listens]
That's why I pays a lot for prostitutes! Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr.
James Taylor. |
| James Taylor: |
[enters next to Chef playing a guitar]
A prostitute is like any other woman
They all trade somethin' for sex and they do it well.
[the new Cartman goes into the upply room and starts packing donuts
into his backpack]
|
| Chef: |
And that's why I say-
|
| Chef and James Taylor: |
Prostitutes! Prostitutes! They-
|
| Chef: |
Oohhhh [they stop when they see Principal Victoria, who
has crossed her arms in anger] …James Taylor, what the hell
are you doin' in here?! Singing' about prostitutes to the children! Get
out of here! [James leaves, but Principal Victoria is not satisfied.]
…These children tricked me!
|
|
[Hopeful Hills
Children's Weight Management Center, that night. After being tucked int
bed, the new Cartman senaks out and rides a bike towards the Center,
hides the bike near the entrance, and approaches the gate]
|
| New Cartman: |
[a shadow falls on him] Oh, there you are. Alright, I
got the goods. Some candy bars, a few donuts, and some beef gravy.
|
| Cartman: |
Is anyone starting to suspect anything?
|
| New Cartman: |
Nobody. Your mom even thinks I'm a skinny you.
|
| Cartman: |
Ahawesome! Alright, throw it over!
|
| New Cartman: |
Uh uh. One thing. I want a bigger cut.
|
| Cartman: |
What?! |
| New Cartman: |
I'm the one risking my ass,
running around in that stupid town pretending to be you and collecting
all the food to bring up here! All you have to do is sit back and sell
it to all the fat kids!
|
| Cartman: |
Alright alright! Keep your voice down! I'll bump you up
to 10%.
|
| New Cartman: |
Twenty.
|
| Cartman: |
[soft gasp] Suck my balls, 20!
|
| New Cartman: |
Fine! Then I shall bid you good day! [turns aside to
get his bike]
|
| Cartman: |
Waitwaitwaitwait! Fine, 20! But just remember that your
parents thnk that you're in the drug rehab center next door! You blow
your cover and we're both screwed! [the new Cartman looks trapped]
|
|
[The University of Colorado,
dorm room. Several students are reading their books while clothes is
strewn all over the place]
|
| Student 1: |
[bursts through the door] You guys! You have to check
this tape out!
|
| Student 2: |
[on the sofa] Ey, we're trying to study. Finals are
tomorrow.
|
| Student 1: |
No, dude, check this out! It's a video: this kid, he
does all kinds of crazy stuff. [pops the video into the VCR and turns
on the TV] Check it out! He jumped into a Porto-Potty at a construction
site and stayed there for four days! [the screen shows Kenny standing
in a pool of poo under the toilet and looking at the camera]
|
| Other Students: |
Whoa! [the screen shows a
construction worker heading for the Porto-Potty. He enters and sits on
the toilet, and a long log of poo descends from his nether regions]
|
| Kenny: |
[the poo lands square on his face] (Ow.)
|
| Student 1: |
Oh, gro-hoss
|
| Student 3: |
Sick!
|
| Student 2: |
That's awesome! [rushes out to the hall and hollers]
Hey guys! Check this out!
|
|
[The Krazy Kenny Show, live]
|
| Announcer: |
[graphics come up animated, with letters exploding
behind the show's logo] Get ready for the Krrrrrrazy Kenny Show! [four
spotlights roam the stage] And now here's your host, the kid who will
do anythng to himself for money, Krrrra--a--a-a-azy Kenny! [Kenny
appears and goes to the center of the stage, The spotlights converge on
him as music reaches climax]
Kenny, through the past weeks we've seen you eat mice, pretend to kill
newborn babies to shock their mothers and …wash your hair
with battery
acid. The question in all our minds is, who-haht are you gonna do next?
[the audience cheers]
|
| Kenny: |
(Well, I'm gonna give my grandfather a full-body
sensual massage.)
|
| Announcer: |
Whoa-ho ho! You heard him, folks! Kenny is going to
give a sensual full-body massage to his own grandfather!
|
| Man 1: |
Oho! Yeah!
|
| Man 2: |
Woohoo! |
|
[Fanfare as the stage rotates
to reveal Kenny's grandfather relaxing on a heart-shaped bed. Kenny
opens up a pcket of ]
|
| Audience: |
Awww! Awgh!
|
| Stan: |
Wow! This is Kenny's best show ever!
|
| New Cartman: |
This is so juvenile. [bites a licorice stick. He has a
box of donuts on his lap, and he and Kyle have licorice sticks]
|
| Kyle: |
Cartman, what the hell's the matter with you? [takes a
donut]
|
| Stan: |
Yeah, you've gotten lame since you got skinny. What's
up?
|
| New Cartman: |
Eh, nothing. Hey, can I have some of that licorice to-
take home?
|
|
[Hopeful Hills Children's
Weight Management Center, next night. Rick is in the campers' cabin]
|
| Rick: |
Alright campers, good work today. Lights out, and we'll
see you tomorrow for more exercise and proper diet. [opens the door,
exits, and closes the door]
|
| Susan: |
[waiting] All beddy-byes for the night, are they?
|
| Rick: |
I don't know what we're doing wrong, Susan. These kids
aren't losing the weight.
|
| Susan: |
We;ll just have to give them more time. They'll do it!
|
| Rick: |
They'll do it.
|
| Susan: |
They'll do it!! [the counselors leave. Inside the cabin
Cartman looks out the window, watching them leave]
|
| Cartman: |
[turns around] Alright, they're gone! [walks to his bed
and pulls out a suitcase from underneath] The Cartman store is open!
[the other kids leave their bunks and head for Cartman]
|
| Blonde Girl: |
[first in line, hands him some money] Two donuts and a
pack of licorice, please.
|
| Cartman: |
[quickly as he hands the goods over] Two donuts and a
pack of licorice. [she walks away,and a big, tall boy is next] Well,
Tony, the usual? [Tony, with squinty eyes, blinks and Cartman gives him
the usual. Tony walks away. Another boy walks up, crying] Why are you
crying, Chad?
|
| Chad: |
[sobbing] 'Cause I'm always
gonna be fat. I don't wanna eat no sweets, but I can't control myself
when they're right in front of me like this. [sobs some more. Cartman
moves away a bit]
All my life I've been fat. I've beh- I've been to seven camps and I
swore to my momma that I'd lose the weight. I want to, but I can't help
myself. [breaks down]
|
| Cartman: |
[comforts Chad] Hey, Chad, eh… You know what
you need? You need a friend.
|
| Chad: |
[wipes away his tears] I'd, I do?
|
| Cartman: |
Yes. [dangles a chocolate in front of him] A chocolate
friend. [Chad begins to howl] Mr. Candy Bar doesn't judge you, Chad.
Mr. Candy Bar likes you just the way you are. [opens the wrapper to
expose the aroma and tempts him] Look at how yummy and sweet he is.
[Chad, still sobbing, takes the candy bar and starts eating. Cartman
bides his time] …There you go. That'll just be four dollars.
[Chad hands him the money and finishes the candy bar. Cartman just
watches] …There you go.
|
|
[A Krazy Kenny Show promo]
|
| Announcer: |
This week on Pay Per View [a yellow starburst appears
with "PAY PER VIEW" on it, then another starburst with Kenny standing
behind Ms. Crabtree], Krazy Kenny will crawl up into a woman's uterus
and [a shot of Kenny inside the uterus] stay there for six hours. Don't
miss this once-in-a-lifetime event. Order now!
|
|
[The big city, day.
City noise is heard. Next shot is in a studio, with Howard Stern
hosting, and three guests. On the walls are posters, one of which is of
Eltn John. Two loves dolls are in the background, and the Antonio
Banderas one is behind Stern]
|
| Howard Stern: |
Alright, so we're back talkin' to three competing
celebrities: Tom Green, Johnny Knoxville from MTV's Jackass and Krazy
Kenny. |
| Tom Green: |
Hey, Howard.
|
| Howard Stern: |
Krazy Kenny is here to promote
his Pay-Per-View special this week, where he will crawl up into a bus
driver's uterus and stay there for six hous.
|
| Johnny Knoxville: |
[stammering] Wow!
|
| Howard Stern: |
Now, some people that all you
guys do is perform sick and disgusting acts for shock value and money,
which makes you whores. But I'd like to prove them wrong. So what I'm
gonna do… is I'm gonna offer each of you $50,000 to give me
oral sex
right now.
|
| Tom Green: |
I'm in.
|
| Johnny Knoxville: |
Me too.
|
| Kenny: |
(And me!)
|
| Howard Stern: |
Oh.
|
| Tom Green: |
Fine! I'll do it for 40!
|
| Johnny Knoxville: |
30.
|
| Tom Green: |
[points at Johnny] 20!
|
| Kenny: |
(…Ten bucks!)
|
| Howard Stern: |
Ooh, the kid says he'll do it for ten bucks.
|
| Tom Green: |
Damnit. I'm out.
|
| Johnny Knoxville: |
Me too. I guess he is the biggest whore.
|
| Howard Stern: |
Alright, let's get going, then. Can we cut the cameras?
|
|
[Hopeful Hills Children's
Weight Management Center, day. Exercise...]
|
| Rick: |
And we're gonna reach fo the sky… [has arms
high above his head]
|
| Campers: |
[follow through] Woo-aagh.
|
| Rick… |
And down to the ground. [touches the ground with his
fingertips]
|
| Campers: |
[follow through] Woo-ugh.
|
| Rick: |
And up to the sky… [arms high above his head]
|
| Campers: |
[follow through] Woo-aagh. [Cartman and the camper to
his right perform a quick transaction - Cartman hands him a pastry for
a few bucks.]
|
| Rick… |
And down to the ground. [touches the ground with his
fingertips]
|
| Campers: |
[follow through] Woo-ugh. [a couple enters the yard
with their son, the taller camper Cartman got annoyed with early on.
Susan catches up]
|
| Susan: |
Please, Mr. Sanders. [Rick rises quickly]
|
| Mr. Sanders: |
No! I have had it!
|
| Rick: |
What's happening?
|
| Susan: |
Horace's parents want to take him home.
|
| Rick: |
Oh! But he's not ready yet.
|
| Mr. Sanders: |
Look at what you've done to my boy! You told Horace
that he was responsible for his weight! You made him believe that with
exercise and proper diet, he could be thin! When we told you it was his
genetics!
|
| Rick: |
They can lose the weight if they try.
|
| Mr. Sanders: |
Look at these kids! They're not getting any thinner! [a
shot of the campers] Your camp is a fraud! You need to accept the fact
that most fat people are just genetically fat!
|
| Susan: |
Please, sir, if you give us one more week,…
|
| Mr. Sanders: |
Your time is up!
|
| Mrs. Sanders: |
Yeah, your time is up!
|
| Mr. Sanders: |
And I'm going to call all the other parents to tell
them to come claim their kids as well! Your camp is a WASTE
…of time!
|
| Horace: |
But, Dad, I…
|
| Mr. Sanders: |
What?! [Horace looks at Cartman, who look back
concerned]
|
| Horace: |
…Nothin'. [he and his parents turn right and
walk away]
|
| Susan: |
We're in trouble, Rick.
|
|
[South Park, day. At
the television studio preparations are made for Kenny's test of
endurance. Tweek, Token, Clyde, Butters, and Kyle (with hammer) are
onstage. The sounds of sawing and hammering fill the air. Ms. Crabtree
is prepped for the test, with her legs spread open and the genital area
blocked off by small curtains.]
|
| Kyle: |
Alright, Ms. Crabtree. Is it comf'table enough?
|
| Ms. Crabtree: |
HOW LONG HAVE I GOT TO SIT HERE?
|
| Kyle: |
Six hours.
|
| Ms. Crabtree: |
HELL, I'LL DO SIX HOURS FOR THE FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS
YOU'RE PAYING ME!
|
| Kyle: |
Great.
|
| Stan: |
[enters and runs to the stage] You guys! It's Kenny!
He's been arrested for prostitution in New York!
|
| Kyle: |
For what?
|
| Stan: |
For giving Howard Stern a hummer!
|
| Butters: |
Who-what's a hummer??
|
| Stan: |
I don't know! All I know is Kenny is in jail for at
least three months!
|
| Kyle: |
Three months?! But the per-per-view is tomorrow!
|
| Stan: |
I know! [Kyle gets an idea. He and Stan descend the
steps to talk to the new Cartman, who stands nearby]
|
| Kyle: |
[sits next to the new Cartman. Stan sits by Kyle's
other side] He worked so hard, come so close. Now we'll never see Kenny
crawl up into Ms. Crabtree's uterus.
|
| New Cartman: |
You know, maybe we've all
learned something here. I mean, we set Kenny up to further and further
himself each time, havin' to always outdo himself. Now he's in jail for
being a whore. And perhaps, just perhaps, we are to blame. [Kyle looks
at him with suspicious anger]
|
| Kyle: |
…Alright, that does it! [rises and backs up
a bit] This has been bothering the hell out of me! [reaches for the new
Cartman's cap and pulls it off, revealing a puffy head of hair. Stan
registers shock] I knew it! You're not Cartman at all!
|
| New Cartman: |
Uh oh.
|
|
[The Krazy Kenny Show. The big
moment arrives]
|
| Announcer: |
Well, we'vee seen him do just
about every disgusting thing in the book, and today live on
pay-per-view, Krazy Kenny is going to crawl into a woman's uterus for
six hours! [the audience jumps and applauds] Well, Ms. Crabtree, your
cervix has been dilated, your womb equipped with oxygen- How do you
feel?
|
| Ms. Crabtree: |
I feel great! I haven't had this much attention paid to
my coot since I was 16!
|
| Audience: |
[jumping, cheering] Hooray!
|
| Announcer: |
Well, let's bring out the man of the hour, you know him
as the-
|
|
[The Krazy Kenny Show,
backstage. Kyle and Stan get the new Cartman, now the new Kenny, ready,
dressing him like Kenny.]
|
| Kyle: |
Don't wory, dude. You're gonna do great.
|
| New Kenny: |
[pulls the hood off his face] No way! I'm not doing
this!
|
| Kyle: |
Hoh, you're doing it, or else we're
gonna bust your whole scheme wide open, and tell your mom you haven't
actually been at your drug rehab this whole time!
|
| New Kenny: |
But this isn't fair!
|
| Stan: |
[walks up and puts the hood back on the new Kenny]
Deal, druggie!
|
| New Kenny: |
(But I'm gonna starve to death if I get in there)
|
|
[The Krazy Kenny Show, later]
|
| Announcer: |
And here he is, Kenny McCormick! [Kenny
enters, waves to the audience as it cheers, and walks towards Ms.
Crabtree. Kenny parts the little curtains and the audience quiets down.
The audience reacts as Kenny climbs into the uterus] We can watch him
on the video monitors. How are you doin' in there, Kenny? [four
monitors frame the stage prop behind Ms. Crabtree. Above her is a
digital timer. Inside the womb, Kenny holds his right thumb up]
|
| Mrs. McCormick: |
That's my boy! [Stuart smiles]
|
|
[Hopeful Hills
Children's Weight Management Center, next day. The parents have come
for their campers. All the parents are fat, too.]
|
| Rick: |
Good-bye, Chad.
|
| Chad's Dad: |
We'll be wanting our refund, naturally.
|
| Rick: |
Naturally.
|
| Susan: |
Good-bye, Alice.
|
| Alice: |
Good-bye. Thank you.
|
| Rick: |
Oh, don't thnak us. We failed you.
|
| Cartman: |
[off to one side] …65, 66, 67…
[counting the dollars he's collected during his stay]
|
| Chad: |
[at the back door of the car, turns around] Wait a
second! This isn't right! [other campers and their parents stop]
It's time for me to be responsible for my own actions! Mom, Dad, we've
been eating candy this whole time! Eric Cartman's been sneaking in junk
food!
|
| Cartman: |
[through gritted teeth] Eh- shut up, you half-Chad!
|
| Horace: |
No, he's right. The counselors've been doing a good
job. We've just been cheating.
|
| Other campers: |
Yeah.
|
| Horace: |
I believe I can lose the weight with exercise and
proper diet. I don't wanna make excuses no more.
|
| Girl: |
Me neither.
|
| Other campers: |
Yeah. [newly overjoyed, Rick and Susan grin and look at
each other]
|
| Horace: |
If you take us back, we promise we won't cheat.
|
| Rick: |
Well, it's alright with me. Parents?
|
| Mr. Sanders: |
Well, what the heck. Maybe when you're all donen you
can teaach me a thing or two, huh son? [rubs his son's hair; Horace
looks up and grins at him]
|
| Cartman: |
You know? You guys are right. I'm
sick of being the fat kid, too. I've been making excuses all my life.
But I know deep down that if I took responsibility and really tried
hard, and we all tried together, well we really can lose the weight!
[grins hopefully]
|
| Susan: |
Oh no, not you. You're not welcome here anymore.
|
| Campers: |
Yeah.
|
| Cartman: |
What?!
|
| Rick: |
Bubbye. [turns around and walks into the registration
building with Susan. The rest of the campers follow them in.]
|
| Cartman: |
Well, screw you, fatasses! [begins sobbing, and pulls
out a donut from his pocket. He eats at it between sobs.]
|
|
[The Krazy Kenny Show, stage.
The countdown continues…] |
| Audience: |
Four, three, two, one!
|
| Announcer: |
He did it! Come on out, Kenny! [nothing happens] You
made it six hours, Kenny. Come on out of there. [nothing] Hmmm. Uh, Ms.
Crabtree, maybe you could give him a little push. [Ms. Crabtree
breathes in and pushes down. The new Kenny comes out of the uterus and
slides down the steps of the stage]
|
| Audience: |
OOOOHHHHHH! |
| Dr. Doctor: |
He's dead. The pressure must have killed him.
|
| Ms. Crabtree: |
I told you I was a tight virgin flower.
|
| Stan: |
[pointing] Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
…Sort of.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. They've kinda killed Kenny -'s look-alike. You
bastards!
|
| Announcer: |
Well, he gave his life for our amusement. One little
boy who dared to be different. Let us never forget… Kenny
McCormick. [Ms. Crabtree pushes down and another boy, wearing glasses,
descends] Who was that?
|
|
[End of Fat Camp Chef sings
his prostitute song again] |
