|
[Kyle's house, night. The
Happy Chanukah sign is up and it is snowing.]
|
|
[Kyle's house, night,
bathroom. The toilet is seen and on it are a glass and a plate of
chocolate-chip cookies. Kyle sits in his pajamas underneath a window
and next to a night stand and candle opposite the toilet bowl, and
holding a small flag which reads,
"Welcome Mr. Hankey" Ike walks in and towards the food] |
| Kyle: |
He's gonna be here any minute, Ike.
|
| Ike: |
[pulls himself onto the seat and looks in] Oooh nooo,
poopies.
|
| Kyle: |
Heee might not come if you're too close to the toilet
bowl, Ike. [lifts him off the seat and takes him back to the night
stand] Come sit by me. [they sit down and face the toilet bowl, and
wait. Nothing happens.]
|
| Sheila: |
[at the door with Gerald] It's getting late, boys. Why
don't you come on up to bed. |
| Kyle: |
Just let us stay up a little longer, mom. Mr. Hankey's
gotta show up. He always does.
|
| Sheila: |
Alright, bubbe. [leaves with Gerald, but returns] Oh,
and boys? Happy Chanukah.
|
| Kyle: |
Happy Chanukah, Mom. [returns his sight to the toilet
bowl and waits…]
|
|
[Kyle's house, night,
bathroom. "Silent Night" plays]
|
| Ike: |
[Waves the flag around] Ayaaa ta. [Kyle is getting
drowsy] Weee! Weee… [soon,
Ike is asleep on Kyle's shoulder as Kyle drifts into sleep, but checks
on the plate once in a while. An ant is now on the toilet seat inching
its way to the cookies. Kyle watches drowsily until the ant touches the
cookies…]
|
| Kyle: |
Go away!
|
|
[The ant scurries away.
At length, the candle burns down to the plate and goes out. Kyle and
Ike are both asleep. Sheila and Gerald look in once again and find the
boys asleep. Sheila picks up Ike and Gerald picks up Kyle and take them
to their respective rooms. Kyle is then seen asleep in his room. He
opens and blinks his eyes, then gasps and sits up. He rushes out of bed
and into the restroom, only to find an empty plate and glass. He thinks
Mr. Hankey has been by, until he notices something on the floor to the
left of the toilet. A look of dismay comes over his face. It's the ant
he sees, now bloated and content. Kyle goes to make a phone call.]
|
|
[Stan's house, night,
bathroom. "Silent Night" continues]
|
| Stan: |
[picks up the phone] A-ah huh.
|
| Kyle: |
[barks. Music stops] Stan! Go get the other guys and
tell them to meet me at the bos stop in ten minutes!
|
| Stan: |
Ho-o-oh.
|
|
[South Park, night, bus
stop. Kyle, with flashlight and crow bar, is waiting as the others
arrive. Kenny arrives in coat, hood, and undies. Cartman in pajamas,
cap and coat, and Stan fully dressed, but with his cap askew. A lock of
hair is seen]
|
| Kyle: |
Okay, good. You're all here.
|
| Stan: |
What is this all about, Kyle?
|
| Kyle: |
It's Mr. Hankey! He hasn't shown up yet.
|
| Cartman: |
Aw, Jesus Christ! I'm going back to bed. [turns aside
and walks off]
|
| Kyle: |
It's only three days until Christmas,
you guys! You know how bad thins have been around here. I think it
might be because Mr. Hankey hasn't come.
|
| Cartman: |
Kyle, I have a full day of watching TV tomorrow. I
don't have time to go on a poo hunt right now, okay?
|
| Kyle: |
If you guys want thre to be a Christmas, you'd better
come help me!
|
|
[South Park, night,
city streets. Snow is still falling, but a manhole cover has been
lifted and set aside. Down below, in the sewer, the boys walk in the
muck looking for Mr. Hankey's home]
|
| Cartman: |
Heh-tchoo!
|
| Kyle: |
[turns and glares at Cartman] Dude, you sneezed on my
back!
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, sorry, you might get some germs while you're
walking around in human feces!
|
| Kyle: |
Hey, look. [before them is a small cottage in a
collection basin. They walk to the end of the sewer line] Hello?
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Hoowwddyy ho! [behnd him is a little cottage all
glittered in light]
|
| Kyle: |
…Mr. Hankey! Hoh, we were so worried! I was
weiting up for you and you didn't come, so I thought that-
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Oh, no I'm fine, Kyle.
|
| Kyle: |
But where have you been? Things aren't the same without
you. Nobody seems to have the Christmas spirit.
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
I know, Kyle. I've just been awfully busy with my
family. [calls into the house] Honey!
|
| Cartman: |
Family?
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Boys, I want you to meet my wife. Autumn.
|
| Autumn: |
Howdy-hey kids! [waves in the same way Mr. Hankey does,
holds a martini in her left hand] Would you like a drink?
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
They're too young to drink, honey.
|
| Autumn: |
Hey haa, it's Christmas!
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Come. You have to meet the little nuggets, too. Kids!
[they come one one by one] This is our son, Cornwallis.
|
| Cornwallis: |
[wearing glasses, a scarf and little blue beret]
Hoowwdy Ho! [hops aside as another nugget enters]
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Our daughter Amber.
|
| Amber: |
[in pink dress and maroon bow] Hoowwdy Ho! [hops aside
as another nugget enters]
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
And our son, Simon.
|
| Siimon: |
Eee, hey! Hnhn.
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
[aside] Simon's not so smart. He was born with a peanut
in his head.
|
| Siimon: |
Heh What? Dad? Huh?
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Nothin', Simon.
|
| Kyle: |
A family! So THAT's why you haven't been able to spread
Christmas cheer.
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
It sure has been tough. Nobody seems that into
Christmas out there.
|
| Stan: |
I know, it's like it doesn't matter anymore.
|
| Cartman: |
My mom''s barely bought me any presents so far.
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Well don't worry kids! I'm sending the nuggets up
tomorrow to spread Christmas cheer! [the nuggets grin] And if you want,
you can help them.
|
| Kyle: |
Sure we'll help! [Stan grins]
|
| Cartman: |
Anything for more presents!
|
| Autumn: |
"Hic" Weh-hell, it's a Chrstmas party! Hey! You boys!
You boys wanna bet me I won't take off my clothes?
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Honey, pleh, you're- you're drunk. Onkay?
|
| Autumn: |
but it's a Chrstmas party!
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Honey, can we go inside for a second? [they
enter the little hosue and start arguing. The boys look on in shock
while the nuggets keep their smiles. Abruptl the arguing stops and the
two adult poos step out again] Well, it's decided, kids. Tomorrow we're
gonna bring back the spirit of Christmas!
|
|
[South Park, day, city
streets. The boys and the nuggets stand on the sidewalk in front of
Tele's and the toy store humming "Good King Wencelas" The nuggets soon
hum their own tunes. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny wear nose clips and suits
that suggest they are reindeer, while Cartman is dressed as Santa]
|
| Cartman: |
Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, you guys! Only three
shopping days until- [a couple walks past] God-damnit! [a man walks
past in the other direction] Hey! Merry Christmas, asshole! [a woman
walks by]
|
| Stan: |
Nobody's paying any attention. [Amber clears her throat
as a foot comes down over Simon, and the foot pulls away]
|
| Woman: |
Ew, I almost stepped in it.
|
| Tele's Owner: |
[exits and locks his door]
Well, it was a good effort, boys. But I'm gonna have to close shop.
Nobody's buyin' anything an' I can't afford to keep this furnace
runnin'! [starts to leave, but notices the nuggets] Oh. And, boys,
there's some crap on the sidewalk there. Watch out. [the nugets look
downcast. Red Harris leaves the toy store.]
|
| Red: |
[locks the door] Not one toy. I guess this yeear,
everyone's content to celebrate with candles and love. [starts sobbing,
then walks away]
|
| Stan: |
[emotionally] This is hopeless. We're just gonna have
to face that the commercialism has been sucked out of Christmas.
|
|
[A special report. Behind the
anchor is a "No Christmas Trees" sign]
|
| News Anchor: |
And in other news tonight it appears that everyone is
officially SICK OF CHRISTMAS! [a chart appears]
In an SPC poll, 38% said they were fred up and tired of the holiday, 5%
said they were indifferent to it, and a whopping 57% they would quick
Bon Jovi square in the balls if given the opportunity. [the field poll
follows]
|
| Ms. Choksondik: |
Well, I think people are just fed up with the crowded
shopping and the credit-card bills, uh. [theh boys sit on Cartman's
sofa watching the news] I, I think that the holiday just has become a
joke.
|
| Man: |
[with a son who waves at the camera]
You know, it's just that a lot of people don't really believe in the
whole Jesus thing anymore, you know? So what's to celebrate?
|
| Man 2: |
Oh yeah. Right in the balls, man. Right square in the
balls.
|
| News Anchor: |
Well, the holiday spirit may be gone from South Park,
but at least our faith in each other remains strong.
|
| Assistant: |
[whispers into the anchor's ear] In South Park.
|
| News Anchor: |
Oh really?
|
|
[South Park, Cartman's house,
day. The report is over]
|
| Stan: |
Dude, change the channel. This is too depressing.
[Cartman clicks the remote, and "A Charle Brown Christmas" pops up.
Charlie, Lucy, and Snoopy are on screen]
|
| Charlie Brown: |
Good Grief! We need a Christmas tree for our play.
|
| Cartman: |
Oh, Jesus, not this thing again.
|
| Stan: |
How come everyone in cartoons has such big heads?
|
| Charlie: |
[as other kids dance around him] Alright, everyone,
we've got to get on with our play!
|
| Kyle: |
Jesus, this sucks! All they keep doin' is dancing
around!
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah, this thing really falls apart in the second act.
|
| Stan: |
[affecting a Peanuts accent] And why is it that on
Charlie Brown cartoons, everyone talks like this.
|
| Cartman: |
My mom could make a better Christmas special than this!
|
| Kyle: |
Hey, that's it. Oh, my God, that's totally it! [drps
down from the sofa and walks to the TV] It's so simple!
|
| Stan: |
What, dude?
|
| Kyle: |
[turns and faces the other boys]
We can get everyone back into the Christmas spirit by making our very
own animated Christmas special, and showing it to everybody in town!
[Charlie and Linus talk onscreen]
|
| Stan: |
We don't know anything about animation.
|
| Kyle: |
How hard can it be? Look at it. [Snoopy and Charlie
walk in the woods]
|
| Cartman: |
Hey yeah! We can make a little animated Santa Claus and
Jesus, and it can star us instead of these little round-headed guys!
|
| Kenny: |
(Yeah, right! Awesome!)
|
| Stan: |
Yeah! And we can call it… "The Spirit of
Christmas" [onscreen, Snoopy is pummeling a naked Charlie Brown hard
across the face with a 2-by-4]
|
|
[South Park, The Mayor's
office, day. The report is over]
|
| Mayor: |
[worried] Ogh! This is
terrible, Johnson! Our whole town's economy is going right in the
toilet! We've got to get everybody back in the Christmas spirit!
|
| Aide 2: |
Mayor, some adorable children are here to see you.
|
| Mayor: |
Meugh. Send them in.
|
| Kyle: |
[as the boys enter]Mayor! We have the solution to your
problem.
|
| Mayor: |
You do?
|
| Kyle: |
We're gonna make a short animated Christmas card that
everyone can watch and and play it on the screen at the old drive-in.
|
| Stan: |
It'll have everything. Jesus, Santa.
And when people see it, they'll just HAVE to get in the spirit. All we
need is three hundred dollars for our budget.
|
| Mayor: |
[falsely enthusiastic] An animated Christmas card.
Kids, that just may be the dumbest idea I've ever heard, ever!
|
| The Boys: |
Awww.
|
| Mayor: |
But at this point I'm willing to try anything. Johnson,
cut them a check for three hundred dollars.
|
| The Boys: |
Alright!
|
| Kyle: |
[to the other three] You guys go tell Butters to start
making the cutoouts. I'm gonna go tell Mr. Hankey the good news!
|
|
[The Hankey home, day,
exterior. Mr. Hankey and Autumn are in a heated argument inside. The
argument is incomprehensible for a while, until a voice stands out.]
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Now you put that vase down! Put that vase down! That's
a very expensive vase! [now warning] Don't you throw that vase! [the
vase is thrown and breaks.]
|
| Kyle: |
[now facing the house from the sewer] Ah, Mr. Hankey?
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
[exits the front door] Oh, Kyle! Hoowwddy ho!
|
| Kyle: |
[excited] We got the money, Mr. Hankey. We're gonna
make our animated Christmas card.
|
|
Oh, that's swell! Kids! [the nuggets come out]
Christmas is back on! We've gotta all go get that old drive-in workin'
again.
|
| The Nuggets: |
Okay!
|
| Autumn: |
That's not the only thing we gotta get workin' again,
[pokes him] if you know what I mean...
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
[concerned] Wha- why do you, why do you have to say
things like that in front of people?
|
| Kyle: |
Well, I've gotta go start our animation. We've only got
two days. [turns and walks away...]
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Good luck, Kyle. And we'll have that projector workin'!
Don't you worry! [Cornwallis sniffs at himself]
|
| Amber: |
What's the matter, Cornwallis?
|
|
[Butters' home, day. A gate is
open by one side of the house. Inside, the four boys enter a room
littered with cutouts]
|
| Kyle: |
Alright, Butters. Let's see what you've got.
|
| Butters: |
[behind a desk] Huh, well, okay. Now, don't expect too
much with the budget you gave me.
|
| Stan: |
[impatient] Yeahyeahyeah. just let us see 'em!
|
| Butters: |
Well, alright. Here's a little paper construction of
Santa Claus. [holds him up and moves him a bit] "Ho ho ho, uh, there-a
kid. Hu-uh, would you like some- t-hoys and stuff" Hah, and uh, here's
a little Jesus. [brings him forth] "Hi there, Santa. I am the Light and
the Way, and stuff." [Santa] "Uh, ho o-kay. That's good, I suppose."
Huh, and here's the cutout versions of you guys. [unfurls a large sheet
which contains some mountains and spitting images of the four boys]
|
| The boys: |
Whoa!
|
| Cartman: |
[points] Heheh. Look, he made Stan all fat.
|
| Stan: |
[retorts] That's not me, that's you!
|
| Cartman: |
What?!
|
| Kyle: |
They kind of look like us. [the poster is shown again]
I mean, Stan's got blue eyes and I've got a sharper nose, but I mean,
they kinda look like us.
|
| Cartman: |
I AM NOT THAT GODDAMNED FAT! [Butters sets the poster
on the desk, face up]
|
| Kyle: |
God job, Butters.
|
| Butters: |
Woh, ah, hey! I made a little cutout version of me,
too! Ih in case you need it for your animated film.
|
| Stan: |
[grabs the poster] No, that's okay. [walks away]
|
| Kyle: |
See ya! [grabs Santa, Cartman grabs Jesus, and they
walk away with Kenny]
|
| Butters: |
Uh-m, alright, alright then. [the door closes, and a
few second later, he reaches into a top drawer and pulls out a Barbie
cutout. In falsetto...] "Oh, uh, hello, good-lookin'? What's your
name?" [moves the Butters cutout] "Huh, Butters, ma'am." [moves the
Barbie cutout while in falsetto] "Well, Butters, would you like to slap
my- titties around?" [moves the Butters cutout closer] "Whoa! Well,
uhuh" [a smile of fantasy flashes across his face] "Uh, no thanks,
ma'am. Uh I, I'll get in trouble again." [guiltily puts the cutout
away.]
|
|
[The Hankey home, day.
Inside, Cornwallis is seated at a table with thumb tacks for legs.
There are two 5-book stacks on the table, a third stack on the floor
behnd him, and two books on the floor in front of the table. Mr. Hankey
enters, and soon seen are a spool of string for a bedstand and a pencil
as a curtain rod. A locket hangs over Cornawallis' bed, and it contains
pictures of his parents]
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Cornwallis, we've got to go fix up the drive-in.
|
| Cornwallis: |
I don't want to, Dad. I'm too sad.
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
[takes a seat at the table] Hey, that's alright,
Cornwallis. The boys' animated movie will being back the spirit of
Christmas.
|
| Cornwallis: |
It's not that, father. Its... Well, I don't feel like
I'm really a part of Christmas.
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
But son, you're a Hankey. We love Christmas!
|
| Autumn: |
[drunk as ever, appears at the door] Come on, it's time
to sit around the tree!
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
[serious] We're having a talk, honey.
|
| Autumn: |
God-damnit it's Christmas and we're gonna be a happy
family around the tree!
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Autumn, you're drunk. Alright, now, just go help the
other kids; they can't get their stockings up.
|
| Autumn: |
That's not the only thing that can't get up around
here. [rushes away]
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
…Now come on, son. Don't be so down.
|
| Cornwallis: |
Why? We're just pieces of crap. Christmas isn't for us.
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Christmas is about feeling good. That's for everybody!
|
| Cornwallis: |
I see the Nativity. There's
angels, shepherds and sheep. But no poo. All the Christmas movies:
Santa, elves, reindeer. No poo. I'm not a part of it.
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
No, you're not a part of it, Carnwallis. You're all of
it. Don't you see?
|
| Cornwallis: |
I'm nothing but crap!
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
But crap is everything. [begins to sing]
Everything that lives on earth poos in some way
And that's how the cycle happens, each and every day
[Takes Cornwallis out and
up to the street]
Just look at the green green grass and the birds up in the sky
[cows graze
on the some exposed grass while large birds
fly lazily above]
It's all here because of poo, and now I'll tell you why
'Cause it's eaten by cattle, which is eaten by women and men
[A cow poops as
it eats, then Butters' family is shown
eatng burgers at table]
It fuses with their bodies and becomes poo again
[Mr. Jankey sings to Cornwallis,
then Butters' father
is shown straining on the toilet]
And that poo goes through the sewer, where it's dumped into the sea.
[some poo
descends through the pipe, and Mr. Hankey soon follows. A raw sewage outlet
is then shown with Mr. Hankey exiting]
And it's eaten by the plankton, and becomes the fishes' meal.
[plankton swarm
the poo and devour it; a small fish
eats the plankton]
And then that bigger fish with the poo still inside
[a bigger fish eats the
small fish, but an even bigger
one approaches]
Swims up near the shore and gets eaten alive
[the bigger fish swallows the medium-sized
one and
swims up to the surface, only to be snatched up by a bear]
By the grizzly bear that poos on a dead piece of sand
[the bear walks off with
the fish in its mouth and poos
as he leaves]
So it can spring to life and become food for the land
[flowers
and grass spring up through and around it. The camera pulls back to
reveal an African savvannah around the flowers, with all sorts of
animals in it]
It's the poo of the antelope, the poo of the giraffe
[soft backup vocals come
on, lending the song an African feel. antelope run in the background as a
giraffe appears and
stops]
It falls onto the earth and becomes the blades of grass
[The camera looks at
Mr. Hankey and Cornwallis atop Poo Rock, first from the back, then from the
front]
The grass is eaten by the cattle, which comes out the other end
[more cattle
are shown grazing and pooing]
To make food for the humans and start all over again
[a man scoops the poo
into a small bag and walks off; Butters and family eat more burgers;
his mom sits on the toilet]
[back on Poo Rock, before which animals
poo freely] You see, son? You're not an insignificant part of life.
You are life. |
| Cornwallis: |
But how can I be that giraffe and blade of grass, and a
human? I don't control what they do.
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
[sits next to Cornwallis]
Just like your heart beats without you thinking about it, so, too, your
giraffes and your humans do what they do without you even thinkin'
about it. But it is all one life form. It is all… [points to
him] you.
|
| Cornwallis: |
[smiles] I think I see now.
I'm the poo of the antelope, that flows down to the ground
[steps forward] |
| Mr. Hankey: |
Becomes the grass of tomorrow
|
| Cornwallis: |
Yeah
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Which the grazers turn around
[An antelope
stops to poo a little, then runs off to join the others] |
| Cornwallis: |
So I'm the leg of a leopard and the wings of a hen
|
| Mr. Hankey, Cornwallis: |
Which becomes dinner for the human and turns back to
poo again.
[Mr. Hankey holds Cornwallis high in the air on Poo Rock with the
sky behind them. Cornwallis hums a bit]
That's the Circle, the Circle of Poo!
[Blink to black] |
|
[Stan's house, basement, day.
He hands out scripts to the other three boys]
|
| Stan: |
Okay, here's the script. But it doesn't have an ending.
|
| Kyle: |
No ending? Well, we can't animate until
we have our voices recorded, so we'd better just record what we have
and figure out the ending later. [they walk over to some microphones.]
|
| Sound man: |
[instructing] Okay, talk directly in the mike and don't
hit any hard p's.
|
| Kyle: |
What's a hard p?
|
| Cartman: |
You know, first thing in the mornng when it just won't
come out?
|
| Kyle: |
Oh, yeah.
|
| Sound man: |
Uumm, okay, sound is speeding, and… [cues
the boys by raising his hand]
|
| The boys: |
We wish you a Merry Christmas
|
| Sound man: |
Hold on.
|
| Kyle: |
We wish- [the sound man presses a few buttons, and some
white noise blasts through the boys' headphones]
|
| The boys: |
[twisting in pain] AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
|
| Cartman: |
…deh.OOOWW!!!
|
| Sound man: |
Uh, [makes more changes to the sound settings] mmm.
Okay, and? [cues the boys]
|
| Boys: |
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas--
|
| Stan: |
Hey! Wait a minute!
|
| Kyle: |
What?
|
| Stan: |
Aren't you Jewish, Kyle?
|
| Kyle: |
Well, yes, I think so.
|
| Stan: |
[calmly] Dude, Jewish people don't celebrate Christmas.
You're supposed to sing Chanukah songs. [Kyle cues the piano player,
who begins playing]
|
| Kyle: |
Dreidel dreidel dreidel,
I made you out of clay,
Dreidel dreidel dreidel--
|
| Cartman: |
[grins] Heheheheh, Chanukah sucks.
|
| Kyle: |
[throws his headphones off and faces Cartman angrily]
Don't you oppress me, fat boy.
|
| Cartman: |
[throws his headphones off] Don't call me fat,
buttfucker.
|
| Kyle: |
Then don't belittle my people you fuckin' fatass!
|
| Stan: |
You guys, knock it off! We have to record this! [the
sound man begins to laugh heartily]
|
| Sound man: |
[composes himself] Dude, that was awesome.
|
| Stan: |
What's awesome?
|
| Sound man: |
The script. It's sweet.
|
| Stan: |
That's not in the script They do this all the time.
|
| Sound man: |
Well, it should be in the script. All that "you're fat"
and "you're a Jew" and stuff. It's great. [the boys look at each other]
|
|
[South Park, Photo
Dojo, day. The boys are gathered round a camera, which is pointing
straight down onto the poster Butters made for them. Two lights shine
on the poster, and the cutouts are in place. Some other heads are at
the top end of the poster]
|
| Kyle: |
Check it out, dude. The camera shoots
one frame at a time. So, all we gotta do, is put the right mouth on,
according to what syllable they're pronouncing at that frame.
|
| Stan: |
Easy.
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah. So what's the first syllable?
|
| Stan: |
Uhd- W, WW-e wish you a Merry Christmas
|
| Kyle: |
Okay. So we put little "woo" mouths on all our heads.
[sets the "woo" mouths in place] And then we shoot that for one frame.
|
| Stan: |
Okay. [snaps the shot] One.
|
| Kyle: |
That's one twenty-fourth of a second of our movie
already shot! [exults]
|
| Stan: |
Kickass!
|
| Kyle: |
Now, the next mouth.
|
| Stan: |
Uuhh, E. W-EE wish you a Merry Christmas. [both turn
aside to look around]
|
| Kyle: |
Okay, where are the E-mouths?
|
| Stan: |
[softly] E mouths…
|
|
[South Park, Photo Dojo, three
hours later. The boys' eyelids are drooping andthey're tired]
|
| Kyle: |
Okay. "Woo" mouths again?
|
| Stan: |
[snap] 1 [snap] 2.
|
| Kyle: |
So how much done is that?
|
| Stan: |
"We wish you a m- Merry"
|
| Kyle: |
[softly] Aw, [loudly] Jesus Christ!
|
|
[South Park Dirve-In, night.
The boys' eyelids are drooping andthey're tired]
|
| Mayor: |
[enters the drive-in with her aides] This kids better
make a good Christmas movie, Johnson. If people in this town don't
start shopping again, we're all gonna be out of jobs next year.
|
| Johnson: |
This… place is pretty run-down.
|
| Mayor: |
It's alright, we've got a clean-up crew coming.
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
[off-screen] Hoowwddy ho! [the Mayor and Johnson look
around] Down here!
|
| Johnson: |
[jumps back] WAAGGH!
|
| Mayor: |
[displeased] Oh. Mr. Haneky, it's you. How wonderful.
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
My family and I are here to get the drive-in ready for
the biig movie.
|
| Autumn: |
[drunk and still holding a martini, to Johnson] Hi
there, Mr. Important Political Person. *hic* [Johnson looks disturned]
You wanna bet me I won't take off my clothes and run naked through this
parkin' lot?
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
[softly blocking] Uh-uh, honey, please don't start!
|
| Autumn: |
I didn't start it! He was looking at my breasts!
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
They're not real, you know.
|
| Autumn: |
Don't you say that! [hugs him, but he pushes her off]
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Oh, big secret! Everyone can tell they're made of
silicorn!
|
| Johnson: |
Uhhh, we'll just leave you to your cleanup. [leads the
Mayor and the other aide away]
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Okay! Boy, oh boy, this place suuure needs a lot of
work.
|
| Cornwalis: |
We can fix it up, Dad.
|
| Amber: |
Oh, look! A homeless person. [the man is seen sleeping
on the ground covered in papers and carboard] Oh. He looks sad, Pappa.
[hops over to him and leaves a poo smile on his lips] There. That's
better.
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Good job, Amber. Now this place is starting to look
Christmasy [the man continues to sleep…]
|
|
[South Park, Photo Dojo, next
day. The boys are back at the animatic further along in the project]
|
| Kyle: |
Okay. Okay, the shot is finally set up. Now shoot the O
mouth for two frames. [Cartman sneezes and immediately realizes what he
just did]
|
| Stan: |
AAAAAAAA!
|
| Kyle: |
Cartman!
|
| Cartman: |
Well, I'm sorry! I have a cold!
|
| Stan: |
That took us half an hour to set up, fatass!
|
| Cartman: |
Alright! You know what? I have been
here TOO LONG! I'm sick of making this stupid cartoon, and we're never
goin' to finish it anyways! [walks off and stops at the door] Screw you
guys, I'm goin' home!
|
| Kyle: |
[rushing to the door] Fine! We'll do it with out you!
|
| Stan: |
We can't do it without him, Kyle. We've already
animated him in it!
|
| Kyle: |
We'll dub his voice over.
|
| Stan: |
Kyle, it's hopeless. We've only got 20
seconds of animation done, and we still have Jesus' and Santa's voices
to record, and we don't even have a third act. Dude, it would take a
miracle to finish this thing!
|
| Kyle: |
Now, don't go saying that. There's always hope.
Miracles happen most every day.
To people like you, and me.
But don't expect a miracle.
Unless you help make it to be.
You hope, and I'll hurry.
[takes the poster and rolls it up.]
You pray, and I'll plan
[The boys exit the Photo Dojo with it]
We'll do what's necessary, 'cause
[now in Stan's room, works on a Brian
Boitano cutout]
Even a miracle needs a hand!
[walks up to the wall and adds a scene
to Act II] |
| Kyle: |
You love-
|
| Stan: |
We love
|
| Kyle: |
-And I'll labor. [takes down the scene]
|
| Stan: |
Tralala
|
| Kyle: |
You sit- [puts it up again]
|
| Stan: |
We sit.
|
| Kyle: |
-And I'll stand. [a funny look appears on his face]
|
| Stan: |
Tralalalala
|
| Boys: |
Get help from our next-door neighbor, 'cause
[Kenny begins to hum as
the Hankey family is shown cleaning up the
drive-in] |
| Boys, Hankeys: |
Even a miracle needs a hand!
[Autumn is passed out to one side of the
film projector as Mr. Hankey
cleans up] |
|
[Stan's house,
basement, day. Stan and Kyle have to work without Cartman, so they
stand wearing headphones and reading the script aloud]
|
| Kyle: |
You could do Cartman's voice, can't you?
|
| Stan: |
"Awgh! I'm so fat!"
|
| Kyle: |
Nuh, you've gotta sound fatter.
|
| Stan: |
[with tongue filling his mouth] "Hey, you guys!
Seriouslih! I'm so fat! Help me out over hmyah!"
|
| Kyle: |
Cool! Now let's try the script!
|
| Sound Man: |
Rolling…
|
| Stan: |
[Doing his and Cartman's parts]
Stan: I don't know what to do, dude. Who should we help?
Cartman: I say we help Santa Claus!
|
| Kyle: |
Oh, you're just saying that because he brings you
candy.
|
| Stan: |
Cartman: Ey! I don't need to take that kind of shit
from a Jew! [both boys grin, and the sound man signals his approval
with a thumbs-up]
|
|
[Stan's house, living room,
day. Kyle and Stan resume singing as Kyle packs the cutouts into a box
headed for Korea]
|
| Kyle: |
You wish-
|
| Stan: |
We wish
|
| Kyle: |
-And I'll whittle.
|
| Stan: |
Tralalalala
|
| Kyle: |
You sit- [closes the box and tosses it up]
|
| Stan: |
We sit.
|
| Kyle: |
-And I'll stand. [displays the box's destination and
walks out with it]
|
| Stan: |
Tralalalala
|
| Kyle: |
[with Kenny humming] Let's all try to help a little,
'cause
[A group of 20 Korean inbetweeners are shown working hard on the short] |
|
[South Park, Potter's Art
Store, day. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk out with construction paper]
|
| Boys: |
Even a miracle-
[a car comes in and runs over Kenny as the diriver honks,
leaving Kenny
flat as a pancake. The boys just look in wonder] |
| Stan: |
…It's okay. We'll just have his character
die in the film. [they resume singing and walk away]
|
|
[Stan's house, living room,
day. Stan and Kyle are there. A large box has come for Stan and he's
about to open it]
|
| Stan, Kyle: |
Even a miracle____ needs____ a____ hand!!
[Stan opens the box and
both boys lift the finished reel out of it: "FROM KOREA: FINAL PRINT"] |
|
[South Park Drive-In,
night. The drive-in is cleaned up now. The entire town shows up to see
the short film. To the left, two klieg lights shine on a high platfom
on which stand the Mayor and her aides; Stan, Kyle, and Cartman. A
decorated Christmas tree stands behind them. On close-up, though,
Cartman is missing]
|
| Mayor: |
Citizens of South Park, the Colorado
Film Commission is pleased to present to you a work by some of our very
own South Park children. [the crowd erupts in applause]
|
| Cartman: |
[enters victoriously] Thank you, thank you. [Stan and
Kyle look at him annoyed]
|
| Kyle: |
Cartman, what the hell are you doing here?! You quit!
|
| Cartman: |
What are you talkin' about, "quit"? Huh! I don't
remember that.
|
| Mayor: |
We know tha after you see this darling short film, [the
crowd is shown] you will all feel the mighty glow of the Christmas
spirit once again. Boys?
|
| Kyle: |
Okay, Mr. Hankey!
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
[in the booth] O-kay! [starts the projector. The
opening screen of "The Spirit of Christmas" is shown as music plays.]
|
|
[Scene: a snowy hill.
South Park comes into view. A squirrel pops up to see the camera, then
drops away next to the town sign. Kids can be heard singing a Christmas
carol. The camera pans to the right]
|
| Kids: |
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas--
|
| Stan: |
Hey! Wait a minute!
|
| Kyle: |
What?
|
| Stan: |
Aren't you Jewish, Kyle?
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah, I think so.
|
| Stan: |
(voice rising) Dude, Jewish people don't celebrate
Christmas!
|
| Kyle: |
What?
|
| Stan: |
You're supposed to sing Chanukah songs!
|
| Kyle: |
Dreidel dreidel dreidel-
|
|
[the film snaps in two
and grinds to a halt. Fear strikes the boys' faces, then the Mayor's
face. The film spools out of the reels and Mr. Hankey holds the unwound
film in his hands]
|
| Simon: |
Eehhhh, pretty! [the crowd begins to disperse and
grumble]
|
| Man: |
Oh, that's Christmas for ya.
|
| Mayor: |
Uhuh, just hang on folks. We seem to be having some
technical difficulties
|
| Man 2: |
Boring.
|
| Man 3: |
I've gotta go.
|
| Man 4: |
Stupid.
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
[as the boys enter the projection booth] It's
completely destroyed! There's nothn' I can do!
|
| Kyle: |
All that hard work.
|
| Mayor: |
Well, thanks a lot, kids. Great idea
you had there. Now everyone is more disenfranchised with Christmas than
ever. We want our three hundred bucks back!
|
| Kyle: |
But we spent it!
|
| Mayor: |
Fine. Then we'll sue you. [leaves with the aides]
Johnson? [the other aide stays behind]
|
| Aide: |
[not Johnson] I… used to believe in
miracles. [leaves]
|
| Kyle: |
All that work!
|
| Stan: |
For nothing.
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Boys, I uh, I'm s-, I'm sorry.
|
| Kyle: |
Sure. Sh-sure, Mr. Hankey.
|
| Cartman: |
I guess- we might as well- go home now. [theboys leave
and Mr. Hankey wilts]
|
|
[The Hankey home, night.
Inside, Mr. Hankey sits on the little sofa. Cornwallis hops up to him
and joins him on the sofa]
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
It's my fault. All my fault. I got everyone's hopes up.
|
| Cornwallis: |
But Dad, we can fix the projector.
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Aw, it's too late for that, son.
everyone' gone home. And I don't know nothin' about projectors. I'm
just a stupid piece of crap.
|
| Cornwallis: |
Dad, you taught me an important lesson: That crap is
the cycle of everything.
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Aw, that was just a stupid song, Cornwallis! I was jus'
tryin' to get you to stop your bitchin'
|
| Cornwallis: |
No, it wasn't a stupid song.
Because you showed me that I have the power and the strength to do
anything I want. You made me believe in myself, Dad! Now I'm asking you
to do the same.
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
Son… [reflects for a moment] You're the
smartest piece of crap since Albert Poodinger! Come on! [the two of
them leave the house]
|
|
[The Marsh house, living room,
night. The immediate family is gathered]
|
| Sharon: |
Isn't this a nice Christmas, Stanley? No commercialism
and shopping, just a nice fire and family.
|
| Grandpa: |
I wanna die. [sleigh music is heard and a light soon
fills the air outside. All the Marshes look]
|
|
[A view of the suburbs.
Lights come on all over the neighborhood, and families begin to come
out of their houses. one girl and her parents, another girl and her
parents, a boy and girl and their parents, etc. The light everyone sees
is the drive-in screen. The short has been repaired and is airing the
scene where the boys first meet Jesus. The drive-in soon fills up]
|
|
[On screen, Jesus floats down
from the sky.]
|
| Kyle: |
What the--
|
| Kenny: |
(Nooo!!) [tightens his hood]
|
|
[The Broflovski house, night.
The frontn door opens and Gerald and Sheila step out with Ike. Kyle
follows them out.]
|
| Kyle: |
They did it! They got it working! [closes the door
behind him]
|
|
[On screen.]
|
| Jesus: |
You have blemished the meaning of Christmas for the
last time, Kringle!
|
| Santa: |
I bring happiness and love to children all over the
world.
|
| Jesus: |
Christmas is for celebrating my birth!
|
| Santa: |
Christmas is for giving!
|
|
[A shot of the audience]
|
| Crowd: |
Oh, wow!
|
|
[The Hankey house. Amber and
Simon stand outside]
|
| Amber: |
Mom! They got it working!
|
| Autumn: |
[opens the front door and exits without closing it]
What's that? They got your father's penis workin' again? [the three of
them leave]
|
|
[A shot of Stan, Kyle, and
Cartman smiling. On screen…]
|
| Kyle: |
…We actually spoke--to the Brian Boitano.
|
| Stan: |
Yeah. And you know? I think I've
learned something today, it doesn't matter if you're Christian or
Jewish or Atheist or Hindu. Christmas still is about one very important
thing.
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah, ham.
|
| Stan: |
[angrily] No not ham!
|
|
[The audience. The boys laugh]
|
| Cartman: |
Ey! Why the hell did you have me say that?!
|
| Kyle: |
Heheh, we could make you say whatever we wanted.
|
|
[On screen…]
|
| Stan: |
...Christmas is about something much more important!
|
| Kyle: |
What?
|
| Stan: |
[voice softens] Presents.
|
| Kyle: |
[softly] Ah.
|
| Stan: |
Don't you see, Kyle?
|
| Kyle: |
Yeah.
|
| Stan: |
Presents.
|
|
[The audience…]
|
| Various Flok: |
…Presents.
|
| Man 5: |
My God, they're right!
|
| Mr. Mackey: |
Christmas is about presents. If we all buy presents,
everyone benefits. M'kay?
|
| Randy: |
That is the spirit of Christmas. Commercialism. Becuase
it's what makes our country work!
|
| Mayor: |
They're starting to understand, Johnson.
|
| Ms. Choksondik: |
We got so caught up in the
little things of Christmas, like love and family that… we
almost fogot
it's buying things that makes our economy thrive.
|
| Mayor: |
[wearing a handlebar mustache, in falsetto] Hey, the
shops are still open. We still have time to shop. [the
crowd starts to clamor in agreement, and soon the shops around South
Park turn their lights on. Red Harris opens his toy shop up, and the
crowd fills the streets, first cheering, then chatting]
|
| Kyle: |
You did it, Mr. Hankey. You brought back the spirit of
Christmas!
|
| Mr. Hankey: |
No, you did it, boys!
|
| Autumn: |
Aw, hell, we all did it!
|
| Mayor: |
Kids, that cartoon was fabulous. How would you like to
have your own show and make 100 more of them?
|
| Sttan: |
Are you kidding? I think we'd rather stab ourselves in
the head.
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah. Let's just go home and open our presents.
|
| Kyle: |
[to Stan] Hey man, if you're Jewish you get presents
for eight days.
|
| Stan: |
Wow! Count me in!
|
| Cartman: |
Yeah! I'll be a Jew too.
|
| Boys: |
[leaving with the Mayor]
Dreidel dreidel dreidel
I made you out of clay
Dreidel dreidel dreidel
With dreidel I will play!
|
|
[End of A Very Crappy Christmas.
Rats rush in from all sides and nibble on Kenny's body.] |
