| |
[Morning
in South Park. Cartman is riding his Big Wheels down the road, singing
to himself. He soon reaches the bus stop. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are
standing there] |
| Cartman: |
Doodoo doot doo, dadadadada daa, ya da dadaa
Doodoo doot doo, dadada daa, heydy heydy heydy, how's it goin', guys? |
| Kyle: |
What the hell are you so happy about, fatass?! [Cartman
gets off his bike] |
| Cartman: |
[coolly] Oh, nothing. No big deal, really. |
| Stan: |
What's no big deal? |
| Cartman: |
Well, guys, it seems that I am the first one of us to
reach manhood after all. |
| Kyle: |
...What the hell are you talking about?! |
| Cartman: |
Well, becuase, unlike you guys, I just got my first
pubes! Ayada da daa, yadadadadee! [dances] |
| Kenny: |
(You got pubes??) |
| Kyle: |
What's "pubes"? |
| Stan: |
Pubic hair. He's saying he got his first pubic hair. |
| Kyle: |
Oh. [to Cartman] No you didn't! |
| Cartman: |
Oh yes I did! I'm becoming a man! |
| Stan: |
He's lying. [turns and walks away. Kenny follows, then
Kyle] |
| Cartman: |
You wanna see 'em? |
| Kyle: |
[turns to look at them] Hell no! [Stan and Kenny turn
to look] |
| Cartman: |
[reaches into his pants] Here, check 'em out. |
| Stan: |
[looks away and hides his eyes] We don't wanna see
them, Cartman! [Kyle turns around, Kenny shuts his hood tight] |
| Cartman: |
There, see?! How do you like [them] apples! [is his
right hand is a clump of pubic hair. The other boys look, with Kyle
ready to cover his eyes again] HA! |
| Kyle: |
[approaches] Uh what are those? [Stan and Kenny follow] |
| Cartman: |
My pubes |
| Stan: |
What?? |
| Cartman: |
I got 'em from Scott Tenorman. |
| Kyle: |
Scott Tenorman? The ninth grader? |
| Cartman: |
Yup. He let me have 'em for just ten bucks. Ha ha ha! I
got pubes 'fore you guys did! I got pubes 'fore youuu guys!
Ahahahahahahaa ha! [dances a little more] |
| Stan: |
Cartman, you are so Goddamned stupid it's unbelievable. |
| Cartman: |
[moves in between Stan and Kyle and embraces them, one
under each arm, and gloats. Kyle looks at Cartman's right hand] Don't
be jealous, guys. [Kyle looks at Cartman] This doesn't mean we can't
still hang out. [Kyle looks back at Cartman's hand] It just means that
I matured faster than you. [Kyle fears for that hair touching him]
You'll get your pubes guys, someday. |
| Kyle: |
Cartman, you don't buy pubes, you grow them yourself! |
| Cartman: |
Uh oo what? |
| Stan: |
When you get old enough, you grow your own pubic hair
that's attached to you, you fuckin' dumbass! |
| Cartman: |
Nuh uh! |
| Kyle: |
Yuh huh! |
| Cartman: |
[looks at his purchase] But then why would Scott
Tenorman sell me his pubes for ten dollars? |
| Kyle: |
Because, retard, you're dumb enough to buy Scott
Tenorman's pubes for ten dollars! |
| Cartman: |
You're telling me these pubes are worth nothing. |
| Kyle: |
Yeah. |
| Cartman: |
[walks off in a huff] Huh I'm gonna get that
sonofabitch. |
| |
[a lavender house, day. Three
teens sit on the front steps] |
| Scott: |
And so I told him, I said "Here. I'll sell you my pubes
for only ten bucks." And this stupid asshole buys them! [the other two
boys laugh] |
| Another boy: |
Oh man! [Cartman makes his way up to the boys] |
| Scott: |
Speak of the devil! What do you want? |
| Cartman: |
Uh, yes, I've come to return these pubes that I
purchased, please? |
| Scott: |
Uh uh, I don't take returns! |
| Cartman: |
Right,
but you see, I didn't realize, when I bought these pubes from you, that
you were full of shit! So you can either give me back my ten dollars,
or I can go tell my mom on you! |
| Scott: |
You would actually tell your mom that you were stupid
enough to pay for my pubes? Huh uh, I don't think soho! |
| Cartman: |
Just give me back my money... |
| Scott: |
Buyer beware, dude! |
| Cartman: |
Gimme my ten dollars, Scott! |
| Scott: |
Hehey, I said no! Now get your fat little butt out of
here before I kick your head in! [defeated, Cartman walks away] |
| |
[Scott's house, later. Cartman
rings the doorbell] |
| Cartman: |
[in costume, with briefcase] Hello, sir, my name is
Kris Kristoferssen. I'm with the IRS. I'm here to collect ten dollars
that you own in back taxes |
| Scott: |
You're not from the IRS! You glued my pubes onto your
face! |
| Cartman: |
[thinks a bit] Tax evasion is a very serious offense,
sir! I suggest that you... |
| Scott: |
Alright alright. I'll trade you my pubes back for the
money. |
| Cartman: |
You will? Oh, cool! |
| Scott: |
How much did I charge? Uh, oh yeah. Ten dollars. You
got change for a twenty? |
| Cartman: |
Oh. Uh, lessee. [pulls out some money] I only got six
dollars and twelve cents. |
| Scott: |
Oh. well... that's okay. Here. Just... give me the six
dollars. [done.] And then I'll... give you the twenty. |
| Cartman: |
...Okay. |
| Scott: |
Now, give me the pubes, and I'll give you back two
dollars. |
| Cartman: |
Right. |
| Scott: |
Now, give me the twelve cents, and I'll give you the
rest of your change back. |
| Cartman: |
Cool. |
| Scott: |
And then give me the twenty, and I'll give you the
pubes. [walks back in the house with his money back] |
| Cartman: |
Sweet! [the door closes] Uh. Oh, God-damnit! |
| |
[Bijou movie house, later. The
boys are going to see a "BIG WAR MOVIE"] |
| Cartman: |
That asshole! That big, smelly, ass-sniffin' asshole!
I'm goona get him! |
| Kyle: |
Carman, can I give you some advice? |
| Cartman: |
What?! |
| Kyle: |
Just let it go, dude. You only had sixteen dollars and
twelve cents. Count all your losses and move on. He's smarter than you. |
| Cartman! |
He is not smarter than me! He just charmed me, that's
all! He's a charmer, that Scott Tenorman!! But I'll get him someday!!
[the boys reach the box office and buy their tickets] |
| Kyle: |
One please. |
| Stan: |
One please. |
| Kenny: |
(One please.) |
| Cartman: |
One please. [with no money, he tries to pay with pubic
hair. Nothng happens for a while] |
| Clerk: |
That'll be six dollars |
| Cartman: |
O-kay, and how much is that in pubes? |
| Clerk: |
We don't take pubes! |
| Cartman: |
Listen, my money is as good as anybody's! Don't you,
uh, discriminate against my people by not accepting these pubes |
| Clerk: |
We don't take pubes!! End of story!! |
| Cartman: |
Racist! [takes the pubes and runs off] |
| |
[Scott's house, later. Cartman
rings the doorbell again] |
| Cartman: |
Scott,
Scott! Courtney Love is in South Park! She's all drunk and spreading
her legs and showing her poonanner to everybody! You gotta go check it
out! I'll watch your house for ya! |
| Scott: |
Okay, I'll buy the pubes back! Here! |
| Cartman: |
[stunned] What? |
| Scott: |
Sixteen dollars! Take it! I-I'll even throw in an extra
five! Here! Give me back my pubes! |
| Cartman: |
[softly] Wha-? Uh oo [audibly] why do you want then
back so much? |
| Scott: |
No reason. |
| Cartman: |
I don't believe you. |
| Scott: |
Alright alright! The pube fair in Fort Collins. |
| Cartman: |
Pube fair? |
| Scott: |
They're paying five bucks a hair for pubes! If I leave
now, I can catch the last bus! |
| Cartman: |
Five bucks a hair? The- that's like a million dollars! |
| Scott: |
Hehere, take your money! |
| Cartman: |
Hoho, I don't think so, Scott! I'm going to Fort
Collins myself! |
| Scott: |
Oh, you can't do this to me! Nooo! |
| Cartman: |
Haha, charade you are, Scott! [runs away quickly] |
| Scott: |
Have you no heart?? |
| |
[Bus Terminal, day. Cartman
stands in line waiting for a trip to Fort Collins. People are boarding
the bus] |
| Cartman: |
[cuts through the line] Ahaaa, what a stupid asshole!
Hahahahaha! [enters the bus] |
| |
[Bus, evening. The sun has
already set and Cartman is still on the bus, en route to Fort Collins] |
| Cartman: |
Hohoho! I won a million dollars!! Whew! Ow! |
| |
[Fort Collins, night. Cartman
gets off the bus and walks] |
| Cartman: |
Hahaaha! Ha. Ha. Heh. Huh, excuse me, sir. |
| Man: |
Yes? |
| Cartman: |
Can you tell me where the pube fair is? |
| Man: |
The pube fair? |
| Cartman: |
Yeah, I have some pubes to sell. |
| Man: |
There's no such thing, you little smartass! [walks away] |
| Cartman: |
No- no such thing? |
| Teen boy: |
[approaches with a box] Hey, you wouldn't happen to be
Eric Cartman, would you? |
| Cartman: |
I'm Eric Cartman! |
| Teen boy: |
Well, I think this is for you. [hands
it to Cartman and walks away. Cartman sets the box down and opens it.
He looks in, and a look of shock is on his face. He reaches in and
pulls out... more pubic hair] |
| Cartman: |
[screams] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! |
| |
[Scott's
house, night. Cartman rings the doorbell again, this time in the rain.
Scott answers. Cartman is soaked with rain, his beanie wrinkling] |
| Cartman: |
A hundred and six miles, Scott. I had to ride a hundred
and six miles in the back of a pickup truck... to get back here |
| Scott: |
You really went? What a 'tard. |
| Cartman: |
Alright, Scott, you win. I give up. |
| Scott: |
You do? Wow, you're not as stupid as I thought. |
| Cartman: |
Yeah, I'll see you around. [walks down the steps and
towards the street, but stops] Sure is too bad about my grandma,
though... |
| Scott: |
Your grandma? |
| Cartman: |
[turns around]
Huh? Oh, it's... it's not really your soncern, since uh-... well, my
grandma's in the hospital. She's very sick. The doctors say unless I
can come up with sixteen dollars for her operation, they're gonna put
her down. |
| Scott: |
Oh. [strokes his chin] Jeez, I-... I didn't realize
that. |
| Cartman: |
Yeah. Poor grandma... |
| Scott: |
Hey, kid... Hold on a second ah, ah, I'll get yoru
money. [through the window, Scott is seen going for the money] |
| Cartman: |
[evilly, to himself] Heheheheheh. He's such a douche,
heheheheheh. [turns around and returns to the hosue. Scott returns] |
| Scott: |
Here you go. |
| Cartman: |
Oh, wow, thankts a lot, Scott! [Scott withholds the
money] |
| Scott: |
But... just one thing before I give it to you: |
| Cartman: |
What? |
| Scott: |
I just... well... I want you to beg for it. |
| Cartman: |
Huh? |
| Scott: |
Just... get down on your knees and- beg me for the
money. |
| Cartman: |
Why?? |
| Scott: |
Do you want your grandma to live or not?! |
| Cartman: |
[looks around to make sure no one else is watching,
then quickly] Please Scott give me my money. |
| Scott: |
Nono, get down on your knees. [Cartman begins to get on
his knees] Lower your head [Cartman lowers it], and say "I beg you to
give me back my money." |
| Cartman: |
I beg you to give me back my money. |
| Scott: |
Now say, "I'm a little piggy." |
| Cartman: |
What?! |
| Scott: |
Say it! |
| Cartman: |
[looks around] I'm a little piggy. |
| Scott: |
[points to his nose] "Here's my snout." |
| Cartman: |
[points to his nose] Here's my snout. |
| Scott: |
"Oink oink oink." |
| Cartman: |
Oink oink oink. |
| Scott: |
Now dance, little piggy! Dance and oink for me! |
| Cartman: |
[looks back angrily for a few seconds, then]
I'm a little piggy; here's my snout.
Oink oink oink, oink oink oink. [Scott begins to laugh]
I'm a little piggy; here's- Aalrightalrightalright, now give me back my
money! |
| Scott: |
You mean this? [Cartman brightens up]
You really care that much about sixteen measly dollars? I mean, what
can you buy with sixteen dollars?! My parents give me a fifty
dollar-a-week allowance. This pittance means nothing to me. Watch.
[holds the bills out and strikes a lighter under them] |
| Cartman: |
What- What are you doing?? [the bills light up and burn
from one end to the other. Scott lets the burning bills float away]
No!.. wuh...why? |
| Scott: |
Now you can't bug me for your dumb money! [turns
around and enters the house, shutting the door behind him. Cartman then
turns and walks towards the street anew. Halfway there, he looks at his
mitts, then grows indignant.] |
| Cartman: |
Noooooooooo! ...You'll diiiiiiiiiie! ...Damn
youuuuuuuuuu! |
| |
[Cartman's house, cellar. The
kids in class has been reunited for something important. They're
chattering amongst themselves] |
| Cartman: |
[descending the stairs] Concerned citizens, I thank you
for coming. [walks to the easel]
I know that you are all deeply troubled and want to find a quick and
painful way to get rid of Scott Tenorman once and for all! [Clude
raises his hand] Yes, Clyde! |
| Clyde: |
Who's Scott Tenorman? |
| Kids: |
Yeah. |
| Kyle: |
Scott Tenorman is an eighth grader who sold Cartman his
pubes for ten dollars, and now Cartman's all pissed off. |
| Cartman: |
[correcting Kyle] Sixteen dollars and twelve cents! He
is a disease. He is a cold calculating mind, and I will have revenge! |
| Butters: |
Wuh what are you gonna do? |
| Cartman: |
Did you guys see that movie Hannibal? Where the
deformed guy trained giants pigs to eat his enemy alive?? Well, if we
find a pony [flips the first page over to reveal a drawing of a pony
and takes up the pointer with his left hand], we can train it. Train
it... to bite off Scott Tenorman's weiner. [the other kids just stare
back, but Cartman continues]
It will be painful and humiliating! Everyone will see it happen! And
then, Scott Tenorman will forever be known as the kid who had his
weiner bitten off by a pony!!! WAHAHAHAHAA!!! |
| Kyle: |
What's in it for us? |
| Cartman: |
What? |
| Stan: |
Yeah, why should we all care about getting Scott
Tenorman back for you? |
| Cartman: |
Oh, right. Why should we care? [slaps the pointer into
his right hand]
Yes, why should we care? Indeed, eh. Let's just let Scott Tenorman walk
away with my sixteen dollars and twelve cents. Hell, let's let all
the Scott Tenormans of the world take what's ours and laugh in our
faces. Why stand up for yourselves when you can just walk out of here
right now and say, "It's not your problem." But... years from now, when
you're old and have children of your own, what would you give to come
back and fight this one day? This one day, when you could have made a
difference! Where you could have told Scott Tenorman, "You may take our
pride, but you'll naver take my Goddamned sixteen dollars and twelve
cents!!" [flips to the next page, which has written on it "$16.12" with
double underline] Now who's with me?!! [turns around to fine only one
other person in the basement.] |
| Timmy: |
Timmay! |
| Cartman: |
[slaps his forehead and sighs] Christ. Alright, I guess
it's just you and me, Timmy! |
| Timmy: |
Euuh, livin' a lie, Timmih. [rolls out of the room.
Cartman is stunned, then angry] |
| |
[A
barn, day. Cartman stands next to a scarecrow. He pulls out a frank
from a bag of weiners and places it in the scarecrow's crotch] |
| Cartman: |
There we go. [stands aside] Come and get it. [camera
pulls back to reveal a pony nearby] ...Come on, pony, bite the weiner.
Bite it. [the pony looks, then approaches] Come on, good pony. That's
it! [the pony sniffs thei weiner] Now, bite it off! Bite off the
weiner! Good pony! [the pony bares its teeth... only to start licking
the weiner] Oh no, pony, he'll like that. |
| Jimbo: |
[rushng up with Ned after eyeing Cartman in the corral]
Eric! Are you training that pony to plese you?! |
| Cartman: |
No, I'm trying to teach it how to bite someone's penis
off. [by this time, the pony is sucking on the weiner] |
| Jimbo: |
Oh. Well, does Mr. Denkins know you're usin' his pony?
He shoots trespassers on sight, you know. |
| Cartman: |
He said it was okay. |
| Jimbo: |
Alright, then. [turns to walk away, but remembers
something] Wait, why the hell are you trainin' Denkins' pony to bite
off someone's penis? |
| Cartman: |
Because [ominously] of Scott Tenorman! I hate him! And
I want to make him suffer! |
| Jimbo: |
Well, son, I think you have a pretty stupid plan there. |
| Cartman: |
[noticing the sucking] Not like that, pony! [slaps the
weiner out of its mouth] |
| Jimbo: |
Look, if you wanna get revenge on somebody, you've
gotta think like a hunter. [the pony reaches for the weiner and starts
sucking it again] |
| Cartman: |
Whattayou mean? |
| Jimbo: |
Step 1: Find someone's weakness. Step 2: exploit that
weakness. |
| Cartman: |
How do I do that? |
| |
[Scott's
house, night. Cartman appears in the bushes across the street. He pulls
out binoculars and checks out the various rooms in the house. He sees
Scott in his room, with Radiohead posters on his wall] |
| Jimbo: |
[pops up] What do you see? [Ned pops up. All three are
in camouflage] |
| Cartman: |
I see Scott Tenorman. With his ginger red hair and his
stupid freckles and his- Goaddmnit goddamnit I hate him!!! |
| Jimbo: |
No, young hunter. I mean, what do you see? You must
learn all you can about your kill. |
| Cartman: |
Right, right. Let's see... There's posters. Radiohead
posters! And he's reading a magazine about Radiohead! |
| Jimbo: |
Oo what's a Radiohead? |
| Cartman: |
You know, that band that sings that song: Well, I'm a
creep. I'm a winner... |
| Ned: |
Mmuh what am I doing here? |
| Jimbo: |
Oh, Jesus, don't start singing, Ned! |
| Cartman: |
So, the subject is a big Radiohead fan, huh? Maybe I
should come up with a [British accent] li'l ol' scheme [normal] that
involves them. |
| Jimbo: |
Nice thinking, young hunter. |
| Cartman: |
Whoa! |
| Jimbo: |
What? |
| Cartman: |
I'm looking in Scott's parents' room. Scott's mom's
about to take off her bra. |
| Jimbo: |
What?! Give me those! [rips the binoculars away and
looks for himself] Holy crow, he's right, Ned! Mrs. Tenorman's lettin'
the twins out! |
| Ned: |
Mn let me see. |
| Cartman: |
Radiohead. Yes, of course. [drops down] |
| Jimbo: |
Dear God, they're bigger than I ever imagined! |
| Ned: |
Let me see. Let me see. |
| Jimbo: |
Here you go. [allows Ned to look through the
binoculars, and Ned begins to masturbate] Wow, those are great. Maybe I
should go grab some beers, Ned. Ned, what- a-are you jackin' it? |
| Ned: |
Kinda. |
| Jimbo: |
Well, stop it! [the porch light turns on and Mr.
Tenorman walks out the front door. Jimbo and Ned freeze] |
| Mr. Tenorman: |
Hey, what the hell are you doing out there?! |
| Jimbo: |
[hushed] Oh crap! |
| Mr. Tenorman: |
Who's out there? |
| Jimbo: |
[hushed] Ned, for Christ's sake, stop jackin'! |
| Ned: |
I can't. |
| Mr. Tenorman: |
Don't think I don't see you! I know who you are and I'm
calling the police! [Jimbo
and Ned witness other men rise from the pushes and split. Among them
are Randy, in a Groucho Marx outfit; Gerald, dressed as a clown;
Stuart, with a paper shopping bag over his head; one man in scuba gear,
and one more man] |
| A man: |
Whoa, I gotta get out of here! [Mr. Tenorman is left
wondering why so many men were there.] |
| |
[Scott's house, the next day.
Cartman returns yet again and rings the doorbell. Scott answers.] |
| Cartman: |
[cheerfully] Oh, hey, Scott. How's it goin'? I was just
wondering, do you like the band, uh, Radiohead at all? |
| Scott: |
Uh huh. |
| Cartman: |
Oh, really? Oh, 'cause, they're doin' a big interview
on MTV, and they're playing it tonight on a big screen downtown.
[gloats] Everyone's gonna be there! |
| Scott: |
Oh, cool. Um, thanks for tellin' me. |
| Cartman: |
You're welcome, Scott. [turns and walks away] |
| |
[Downtown South Park, night.
Cartman stands on a small stage as a crowd gathers. On stage is a
big-screen TV and tower speakers] |
| Cartman: |
Okay. Well, it looks like everyone is here. Let's play
the video, shall we? [activates the screen and then walks off stage] |
| Kurt Loder: |
Welcome back to MTV. We're here with the members from
Radiohead, probably the hottest band in the world right now. [Cartman
joins the crowd and stands next to Scott, his mood changing from happy
to mad] Guys, when is the next album coming out? |
| Cartman: |
[has taped over the band's answers with his own
— first as Thom Yorke]
That's an interesting question, Kurt. But first I'd just like to say
that I really hate this kid named Scott Tenorman. He's stupid. [now as
Johnny Greenwood] Yeah, I hate Scott Tenorman too. [Now as Ed O'Brien]
I think all the guys in the band hate him, right guys? |
| Cartman: |
Oh, Jesus, did you hear that, Scott? [Scott looks down,
and ponders Cartman's role] |
| Kurt Loder: |
And will there be a new tour? |
| Cartman: |
[Now as Phil Selway] Well, we would tour, but we just
hate that Scott Tenorman kid so much that we don't want to. [Now as
Thom Yorke] Yeah. Scott Tenorman is totally not cool! He's not cool! |
| Cartman: |
Wow, that really sucks for you, Scott. [Scott is gone]
Scott? Ha haha ha ha ha! Did you see that? Scott mast have ran home so
embarrassed! Ha ha ha ha. And you know what? That wasn't really
Radiohead talking! I just dubbed their voices over! HAHAHAHA! [feedback
is heard] What a retard! [the kids around him face right] And now
everyone saw it! [looks around] |
| Scott: |
[off screen] Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it's
time for the amazing Pube Boy! [moves aside to show an ever bigger TV,
which is turned on. Scott has apparently filmed Cartman earlier begging
for his money] |
| Cartman: |
[on screen] I'm a little piggy; here's my snout. Oink
oink oink, oink oink oink. [the
kids begin to laugh hard, then harder. The same clip is shown over and
over, and Kenny begins to laugh. Soon he can't control himself, and
falls over dead] |
| Stan: |
[looks over at Kenny's corpse] Oh my God, he killed
Kenny. |
| Cartman: |
[seething with anger] That does it! I'm gonna get Scott
Tenorman once and for all!!! |
| |
[That
night, dark and stormy, appropriate for Cartman's mood at the moment,
Cartman's house. A boy possessed, he's in his room devising a new plan.
An evil look comes across his face] |
| Cartman: |
Hueah. You think you're so cool, Scott Tenorman? We'll
see how cool you feel after this-uh! Yes. Yes! Yes!! [goes into
whispers and brings out a protractor and a compass] Then... that...
[finishes his plan] Hahaha, hahahaha! Yes! It is the most genius plan
ever!! Scott Tenorman is going to wish he never met meee!!! [a truly
evil grin appears on his face.] |
| |
[Mr. Denkins' farm, next day.
Cartman is back at the corral waiting for his friends. Stan and Kyle
walk up.] |
| Kyle: |
Okay, Cartman, what do you want? |
| Cartman: |
Stan, Kyle, thanks for coming. I have it all figured
out! |
| Stan: |
Got what all figured out? |
| Cartman: |
How to get Scott Tenorman back! |
| Kyle: |
[rolls his eyes] Oh, Jesus! |
| Cartman: |
I just finished planning a brilliant [British accent]
li'l scheme [normal] that should put Scott in his place for good! And
if you help me, I'll give each of you... two... dollars. [holds out two
fingers] |
| Kyle: |
Okay, so what's the plan? |
| Cartman: |
It's the brilliant combination of my last two plans.
Scott Tenorman's favorite band is Radiohead, right? |
| Stan: |
Yeah. |
| Cartman: |
So, I realized, "What if we got Radiohead to come here
to South Park?" right? Then they could meet Scott Tenorman —
and — see him get his weiner bitten off by a pony! [camera
pulls back to reveal the setup: pony, scarecrow with weiner attached to
groin] |
| Kyle: |
...What? |
| Cartman: |
Don't
you see? If I can get this pony to bite off Scott's weiner in front of
Radiohead, then Scott would cry. And if Scott cries, then Radiohead
will say Scott Tenorman is totally not cool! And that would make Scott
Tenorman wanna die!! [laughs demonically] Okay, I'll keep working on
the pony, you guys go get Radiohead to play here! Ready? Break!!
[nothing happens for a few seconds] |
| Kyle: |
You're such a dumbass, Cartman. [he and Stan turn and
walk away] |
| Cartman: |
...Fine, I'll do it myself!! You guys just watch!!
[walks over to the pony] Ready, pony? [the pony nods] Bite it! [the
pony bites off a piece of the weiner] Yes!! [exults] |
| |
[London Recording Studio, day.
Inside, Radiohead prepares to record. One of them is on the floor
reading fan mail] |
| Johnny: |
Thom, will you stop reading fan mail? We have work to
do. |
| Thom: |
Just a second, fellas. Listen to this:
| Dear Radiohead,
My
name is Eric Cartman. I'm a young, supple eight-year-old boy from South
Park, Colorado. I am writing to you because of a kid I know named Scott
Tenorman. Scott is fifteen, and I'm afraid he has cancer. In his ass.
Radiohead is his favorite band, and it would make his short life if you
could find it in your hearts to visit him before he dies alone and
scared. Won't you please consider it? I don't think he'll make it
past... next Tuesday around 5.
|
|
| Phil: |
Wow, we have to go. |
| Ed: |
To Colorado? But we have an album to mix. |
| Thom: |
Didn't you hear the letter?? This poor kid has cancer!
In his ass! |
| |
[Scott's house, day. A phone
rings. Scott answers it in the living room.] |
| Scott: |
Hello? |
| Kyle: |
[voice at other end] Scott Tenorman? |
| Scott: |
What do you want?! |
| Kyle: |
We
just wanna warn you: Eric Cartman, the fourth grader, is goin' tuh try
and trick you somehow into getting your weiner bitten off by a pony who
lives at Denkins' ranch. |
| Scott: |
How do you know? |
| Kyle: |
'Cause, we're his friends. |
| Scott: |
Thennn why are you telling me? |
| Kyle: |
'Cause we hate him. |
| Scott: |
Oh. |
| Kyle: |
Well, we just thought we'd let you know. See ya. |
| Scott: |
See ya. [the doorbell rings. Scott walks over to open
the door] |
| |
[At the front door] |
| Cartman: |
[with tickets in hand] Hello, Scott! |
| Scott: |
Hey. |
| Cartman: |
I was just stopping by to invite you to my Chili Con
Carnival. It's a chili cook-off with rides. [shows him the face of the
ticket] Everyone's coming, and I wanted to drop by your invitation
personally! |
| Scott: |
Ooo, a chili carnival, huh? That sounds great. |
| Cartman: |
[getting smug]
Yeah! There is even gonna be a big surprise, so you won't wanna miss
it, Scott.Oh, and here! Here's a coupon good for one free pony ride! |
| Scott: |
Wow, a pony ride. Neat. |
| Cartman: |
Oh, it will be very neat, Scott. |
| Scott: |
Gosh. Chili, rides, and ponies? What more could I want? |
| Cartman: |
[under his breath] A little penis-biting, perhaps? |
| Scott: |
What? |
| Cartman: |
Uhnothing, nuhothing! So you'll come for sure then,
Scott? |
| Scott: |
How can I turn it down? |
| Cartman: |
Sweeet. Killer. Bye, Scott. [Scott turns around and
closes the door] Ohoho, you are good, Eric. You are very, very good.
[leaves] |
| |
[back in the living room] |
| Scott: |
Mom,
Dad, that was my good friend Eric at the door? He told me that there's
a starving pony at Denkins' ranch that's been abandoned. |
| Mom: |
Oh dear. |
| Scott: |
Yeah, I feel really bad. But I don't know how I can
help it, because I have a lot of homework to do. |
| Dad:: |
[drops his paper. Both parents rise] Well, don't you
worry, Scott. Your mom and I can go get the pony and have it taken to
an animal shelter. |
| Mom: |
We sure can. |
| Scott: |
Wow, would you really? I feel so much better now. |
| Mom: |
[hugs him] Oh, Scott, you're such a loving, caring boy.
I'm so proud of you. |
| Scott: |
I'm proud of you, too, Mom. |
| Mom: |
Let's go, hon. [heads for the door] |
| Dad: |
Let's. [follows her out] |
| |
[In the kitchen. Scott is
cooking up something... his friends arrive] |
| Buddy 1: |
What are you doing, Scott? |
| Scott: |
What's it look like? I'm making chili. Did you bring
the goods? |
| Buddy 2: |
[holds out a bag full of hair] We got everyone we could
find to chip in. [his friend giggles] There are pubes from just about
every single kid in town. |
| Scott: |
Awesome! [yanks the bag away, opens it, and mixes the
pubes into the chili] |
| Buddy 1: |
Oh, dude! |
| Scott: |
The
little fat kid thinks he's gonna get revenge tomorrow. We'll see how he
likes it when I tell him he just ate the pubes of every kid in town! |
| Buddy 2: |
Yeah! [hi-fives Scott, and the three laugh heartily] |
| |
[South Park, next day. The
Chili Con Carnival is in full swing. People have already arrived. Stan
and Kyle walk up] |
| Cartman: |
[steps out of the ticket booth to greet them] Oh,
hello, guys! Thanks for coming to my Chili Con Carnival! |
| Stan: |
This is the dumbest thing you've ever done, Cartman. |
| Cartman: |
[smug] Ohoho, it won't be so dumb when Scott Tenorman
arrives. I suggest you stay to see the fireworks! |
| Kyle: |
Oho, we will. Trust us. We won't miss this. [looks at
Stan, who's smiling] |
| Cartman: |
What's so funny? |
| Stan: |
Oh nothing, it's just cool how you're gonna get Scott
Tenorman back. Is Radiohead here yet? |
| Cartman: |
Not yet, but they will be. |
| Kyle: |
Yeah, sure. [As Chef arrives, Stan and Kyle leave] |
| Chef: |
Hello, Eric! |
| Cartman: |
Hey, Chef. |
| Chef: |
I made some chili to enter into the contest. |
| Cartman: |
What contest? |
| Chef: |
This is a chili cook-off, ain't it? |
| Cartman: |
Huh? Oh. Yeah, I guess it is. Uh, here, Chef, just put
it over here. |
| Chef: |
It's my special recipe. |
| Cartman: |
[seeing Scott, interrupts. Slowly and sweetly] Scott
Tenorman!!! How are you, Scott? Thanks so much for coming! [Scott holds
a small container of chili] |
| Scott: |
Oh, I wouldn't miss this for anything. |
| Cartman: |
[overjoyed] Likewise. Well, come on, you've got to see
the pony! |
| Scott: |
Just a second: don't you- wanna taste my chili first? |
| Cartman: |
Well, e-yeah, but, there's a special guest coming, and
I want you to be near the pony when they arrive. |
| Scott: |
Well I don't want it to get cold. I think I can win
first prize. |
| Cartman: |
[sighs silently] Alright, Scott, uh. Let's go over to
the judging table and we'll try the chili first. [Scott leaves]
Goddamnit! |
| |
[Cartman's
house, the judging table. Cartman and Scott take their seats. Behind
Scott stand Butters, Kyle, Stan, and Scott's friends. Behind Cartman
stand Bebe, Clyde, and Token] |
| Scott: |
[setting his plate before Cartman] Alright, I guess we
should taste each other's chili, huh? |
| Cartman: |
[inspecting the dish] Huh, this chili looks pretty
good. Weh, here's mine. [hands his plate to Scott, who takes it to his
end of the table and starts eating] |
| Scott: |
Mmm. Ah, I don't know. Your chili is pretty good,
Cartman, but I think mine is better. Try it. |
| Cartman: |
Alright. [takes the dish and starts eating. Both boys
munch away for a few moments] Hey, this is great! [Stan and Kyle stifle
giggles] |
| Scott: |
Eh, it's a special recipe |
| Cartman: |
[begins to wolf down the food] Gawh, this is really
good, Scott! |
| Scott: |
I'm glad you like it so much, because now that you're
almost finished, I have some'in' to tell you. |
| Cartman: |
What? You mean about how you put pubes in your chili?
[Everyone at Scott's end of the table is shocked, even Scott, at this
accusation] |
| Scott: |
What?! |
| Cartman: |
Yehes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili, Scott. I
switched it with Chef's. [Chef looks like he's been used] It's
delicious, Chef. I hadn't planned on that. What I did plan on, however,
was that my friends, Stan and Kyle, would betray me and warn you that
the Chili Con Carnival was a trap. [Stan and Kyle are stunned] I
assumed that they would tell you that I had trained Denkins' pony to
bite off your weiner. What they didn't
tell you was that Denkins is a crazy redneck who shoots trespassers on
sight. Knowing that you would try and do somethng to the pony, I warned
Mr. Denkins that violent pony killers were in the area. [A shot of
Cartman telling Denkins of such a thing. Denkins is armed] I also know
that you wouldn't go yourself, for fear of having your weiner bitten
off. You would most likely send your parents. [A shot of Scott talking
with his parents] And, I'm afraid that when Mr. Denkins spotted them on
his property, he shot and killed both your parents. [The
Tenormans are in the corral to rescue the "starving" pony, but upon
seeing Mr. Tenorman's lit flashlight, Mr. Denkins fires at them, and
they go down] |
| Mr. Denkins: |
[looks of horror surround him] Well, they was
trespassin' and I was protectin' myself. I, I have my rights. |
| Scott: |
My... mom and dad are... dead? [A shot of Officer
Barbrady taking a report from Denkins] |
| Cartman: |
I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins giving his
report to Officer Barbrady. And of course, to steal the bodies... [A
shot of Cartman arriving, seeing Denkins and Barbrady, and pulling the
bodies away. The pony munches at some grass]
After a night with the hacksaw, I was all ready to put on my Chili Con
Carnival, so that I could tell you personally about your parents'
demise! And of course, feed you your chili. [more faces of horror behnd
Cartman] Do you like it? Do you like it, Scott? [A gleefully evil look
comes over Cartman] I call it, "Mr. & Mrs. Tenorman Chili." |
| Scott: |
[looks at Cartman for a while, realizing what's just
happened] Oh my God! [gagging, he fishes through the plate and finds
his mom's wedding ring, still on her finger. He tosses it away] Oh my
God!! [vomits off to the side] |
| Cartman: |
[leaping
up on the table and sings] Nyahnyahnyahnyah nyah nyah! I made you eat
your parents! Nyahnyahnyahnyah nyah nyah! [Stan and Kyle are way
stunned] |
| Stan: |
Jesus Christ, dude! |
| Scott: |
[grief-stricken, he buries his face on the table] My
mom and dad are dead! [pounds the table] No! NOOO!! [Radiohead arrives
and stands behind Scott. Stan notices] |
| Thom: |
Uhm, excuse me? |
| Stan: |
Who are you? |
| Johnny: |
We're that band, Radiohead. |
| Scott: |
[raises his head] Jesus! |
| Ed: |
Jeez, what a li'l crybaby! |
| Colin: |
Are you gonna cry all day, crybaby?? |
| Thom: |
You know, everyone has problems; it doesn't mean you
have to be a little crybaby about it. |
| Ed: |
Come om, guys, let's go. This kid is totally not cool.
[the members of the band start leaving] |
| Thom: |
Yeah, that's the most uncool kid I've ever met. |
| Phil: |
Little crybaby! |
| Scott: |
[gathers himself and looks] No, wait! Waaiittt!! Oh my
God, Oh my Gaawwwd!! [buries his face in the table and bawls again]
Noooo! |
| Cartman: |
[walks over to Scott's end of the table] Yes! Yesss!!
Oh, let me taste your tears, Scott! [starts licking Scott's tears off
his face] Mm, your tears are so yummy and sweet. |
| Kyle: |
Dude, I think it might be best for us to never piss
Cartman off again. |
| Stan: |
Good call. |
| Cartman: |
Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! My-ymmuy. [licks
the tears off the table and off Scott's face.] Mm-yummy you guys! [the
iris common to Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies cartoons appears, with
fanfare] Yuppitibut, that's all, folks! [waves] |
| |
[End of Scott Tenorman Must Die] |
