| |
[Morning, bus stop. Stan and
Kyle wait for the bus, and Kyle arrives] |
| Kyle: |
[joining the two other boys] Hey you guys! Look what I
have! |
| Stan: |
What? |
| Kyle: |
Four tickets to The Lion King on stage! |
| Stan, Kenny: |
[pause] ...Oh. |
| Kyle: |
Aww, come on, you guys! It's supposed to be really cool. |
| Stan: |
Yeah - no - I'd, it, it sounds really cool. |
| Cartman: |
[off-screen, but rushes in] You goys!!! Hey you guys!!!
Oh my God!! Oh my God, you guys!! |
| Kyle: |
What, doughboy?! |
| Cartman: |
I was just- [looks stung, then flashes an angry look at
Kyle] I was just watching the TV! They had this commercial. |
| Stan: |
So? |
| Cartman: |
So, guess what they're gonna say tonight on that show,
Cop Drama. |
| Kyle: |
What? |
| Cartman |
No, come on! Guess! They're gonna say something that's
never been said on television. |
| Kyle: |
What?! |
| Cartman: |
You'll never guess. |
| Stan: |
What?! |
| Cartman: |
Guess. |
| Kyle: |
Goddamnit, Cartman! What are they gonna say on Cop Drama? |
| Cartman: |
You ready? [focus on Cartman] Tonight, on Cop Drama, on
TV, they're gonna say, [looks both ways] "Shit." |
| Kyle: |
[gasps] They're gonna say "shit" on television? |
| Stan: |
They can't say "shit" on television! |
| Cartman: |
It was just on the news! People are freaking out, dude. |
| Stan: |
Holy fucking shit! |
| Kenny: |
(Dude! We've gotta watch!) |
| Cartman: |
Yeah. I'm gonna have people over to my house to see it. |
| Kyle: |
Bu- but I got these tickets to see Lion King on stage! |
| Cartman: |
Maybe you didn't hear me, Kyle: I said "shit!" On
television! |
| Kyle: |
It's just a marketing ploy by the network. Like that
time they had the first male-to-male kiss with Terrance and Phillip? |
| Stan: |
Aw, come, on dude! This is history. |
| Kyle: |
It's stupid! |
| Cartman: |
Jeez, you're a little irritable, Kyle. What's the
matter? You got some sand in your vagina? |
| Kyle: |
No,
I don't have sand in my vagina! I just think it's a little immature for
us to be standing around talking about one dumb word being on TV! |
| |
[Day, South Park Center for
Seismic Activity, water cooler. Randy Marsh and three others shoot the
breeze there] |
| Randy: |
Hey, uh, Sam, did you hear the news? |
| Sam: |
Yeah, they're gonna say "shit" on television. |
| Colleague 1: |
[balding man] And we should all get together and watch
it at the bar. |
| Colleague 2: |
[with light brown hair] Yeaaahhh! |
| Sam: |
Yeah. |
| Randy: |
Yeah. |
| Colleague 2: |
Hey, are you guys gonna let your kids watch? |
| Randy: |
Oh, sure, I mean, you know, Cop Drama is a very artsy,
dramatic show. |
| Sam: |
And they're gonna say "shit." |
| |
[Day, sidewalk. Butters is
tagging TELE's as Kyle walks up to him] |
| Kyle: |
Hey! Butters! [Butters turns to see Kyle, and the tag
is shown: "Butters"] I got tickets to go see Lion King tonight, and I
decided to invite [points] YOU before anybody else. |
| Butters: |
Oh, sorry, I can't. [Kyle is disappointed] They're
gonna say "shit" on Cop Drama, and my mom and dad say I have to watch
it with them so that I don't take it the wrong way. |
| Kyle: |
How many ways are there to take it?! It's just a stupid
word! |
| Mr. Garrison: |
[walks by] Hey everybody, it's on in thirty minutes!
[people get in their cars and peel out of there, while those on the
sidewalks quickly disperse. Only Kyle is left, bewildered] |
| |
[Night,
the town bar. Many of the town's men, including Randy and his
coworkers, are inside watching "Cop Drama." The officers in the show
speak in hushed tones] |
| Cop: |
[voice-over] Listen, Mitchell, I put my life on the
line every day. How dare you accuse me! |
| Mr. Garrison: |
Oh, I bet this is it! Here it comes... |
| Mitchell: |
I'm doing my job, Frank! We have to know where that
evidence was shipped! |
| Jimbo: |
Oh! Was that it? Was that it?! |
| Randy: |
[annoyed] Shipped. He said "shipped." |
| Frank: |
I told you, we don't have a record of that. And
besides, - |
| |
[Cut to Cartman's house,
night. Cartman sits on the sofa with Stan, Kyle and Kenny, and he's
eating from a box of Cheesy Poofs] |
| Frank: |
- your job is to protect the men who serve this force. |
| Cartman: |
Goddamnit, when are they gonna say "shit"?! |
| Stan: |
Sshhh! |
| Mitchell: |
Maybe... maybe protect them from you? |
| |
[Cut to Chef's house, bedroom.
He and Principal Victoria watch the show together in bed] |
| Frank: |
Maybe you're forgetting who you're talking to! |
| Mitchell: |
Then maybe you're forgetting how I used to be a cop,
too! |
| |
[Cut
to the Broflovski house, living room. Sheila and Sharon are enjoying
some popcorn as they view the show. Sheila is in the arnchair] |
| Frank: |
Yeah? You used to be a lot of things. |
| Sheila: |
Oh, he doesn't know Mitchell slept with his wife, does
he? |
| |
[Cut to the old folks home.] |
| Mitchell: |
That's it, I've had enough of this. |
| Frank: |
Don't you turn your back on me, you! |
| |
[Cut to New York's Times
Square, in which a large crowd watches the show from behind a N.Y.P.D.
police line] |
| Mitchell: |
I said, enough! |
| |
[Cut back to Cartman's house.] |
| Frank: |
Will it... ever be enough? |
| Announcer: |
Cop Drama will return after these messages. |
| Stan: |
Jesus Christ! Another commercial? Are they ever gonna
say "shit?" |
| Cartman: |
I'm sure they're just holding it till the very last
scene. |
| Stan, Kyle: |
Eugh! [Kyle drops from the sofa and heads away] |
| Stan: |
Where are you going, Kyle? |
| Kyle: |
[stops and looks back] I'm going to the kitchen! This
is stupid! |
| Stan: |
But you're gonna miss it! The, they're gonna say "shit"
and you're gonna miss it! |
| Kyle: |
I don't really give a fuck! [turns and walks away] |
| Stan: |
Oh. |
| |
[The bar, later.] |
| Mitchell: |
Just understand that it's my job. I still think you're
a good cop. |
| Frank: |
Well, Mitchell. I guess you're goin'ta do what you're
gonna do. Let's just try and stay friends no matter what. |
| Mitchell: |
You're right. Maybe I'll ss-see you around. |
| Frank: |
Goodbye. Oh, and Mitchell? [voice lowers to a whisper]
You... got some shit on the side of your mouth right there. |
| Mitchell: |
Oh, yeah, that ole thing, yeah. |
| Bar Patrons: |
...Wwooww!!! |
| |
[Cartman's house...] |
| The Boys: |
Whoa!!! |
| |
[Chef's bedroom...] |
| Chef: |
Oh!! [Principal Victoria's jaw has dropped] |
| |
[The old folks home...] |
| Old Folks: |
Whoa! |
| |
[Times Square... the crowd
there cheers] |
| |
[The bar...] |
| Jimbo: |
[awed] They did it! |
| |
[Cartman's house...] |
| Stan: |
I can't believe they actually said it. [Kyle returns
with some food] |
| Cartman: |
Dude! You missed it, Kyle! It was so awesome! |
| Kyle: |
Well! I hope it lived up to all the hype! You must feel
sooo much better now! |
| Cartman: |
Kyle, we've gotta get that sand out of your vagina.
It's making you cranky. Does it itch? |
| Kyle: |
Do you really think anything's gonna be any different
now?! [moves fomr one end of the sofa to the other] Do you really think
that this will have the tiniest, smallest effect on the world? [moves
towards the front door] It's still the same old world out there. Look.
[opens the door to find frogs raining down on the neighborhood. The
other boys soon join him] What the hell? |
| Cartman: |
Whoa, dude, it's raining frogs. |
| Kyle: |
Oh, whatever. [steps back inside] |
| |
[Channel 4 News] |
| Anchor Tom: |
Last night, the daring and bold show, Cop Drama [title
screen pops up], broke new ground by saying "SHIT" on television,
making "shit" officially okay to say around the country. [poll picture
pops up, and is filled in as the announcer continues]
A recent poll shows that 24% of Americans think the show has pushed the
envelope too far, while a whopping 76% say they don't really give a
shit. [A Medical Alert pops up] In other news, a strange virus
which causes victims to vomit up their intestines is making life shitty
for a small farming community. [a field reporter stands before an
ambulance and a barn] Rick Watts has the story. |
| Rick Watts: |
Thanks, Tom. Shit is certainly going down here in the
small tow- [begins to vomit strenuously, then falls over dead] |
| Tom: |
Whoa, shit! |
| |
[South Park Elementary, day.
The school bell rings] |
| Ms. Choksondik: |
Alright, children, in lieu of the common usage, I'm
s'posed to clarify the school's position on the word, "shit." |
| Stan: |
Wow! We can say "shit" in school now?! |
| Kyle: |
This is ridiculous! Just because they say it on TV it's
alright. |
| Ms. Choksondik: |
Yes, but only in the figurative noun form or the
adjective form |
| Cartman: |
[quizzically] Huh? |
| Ms. Choksondik: |
You can only use it in the non-literal sense. For
instance, [turns and writes on the board] "That's a shitty picture of
me." is now fine. Hoever, the literal noun form of [writes] "This is a
picture of shit." is still naughty. [crosses out the sentence] |
| Cartman: |
I don't get it. |
| Stan: |
Me neither. |
| Ms. Choksondik: |
The adjective form is now also acceptable. For example:
[writes] "The weather outside is shitty." However, the literal
adjective is NOT appropriate. For example: [writes] "My bad diarrhea
made the inside of the toilet bowl shitty, and I had to clean it with a
rag, which then also became shitty." [crosses it out] That's right out! |
| Timmy: |
Sshh...sshh...[draws it out] shit. [grins] |
| Ms. Choksondik: |
Very good, Timmy. |
| Butters: |
[raises his hand] Huh-uh, Ms. Choksondik, eh, can we
say it in the expletive? Like, "Oh, shit," or, "shit on a shingle"? |
| Ms. Choksondik: |
Yes, that's now fine. |
| Cartman: |
Wow, this is gonna be great! A whole new word! |
| Kyle: |
[angrily] It's NOT NEW!! I'm gonna look "shit" up in
the encyclopedia and PROVE it!! |
| Cartman: |
Don't mind Kyle, everyone, he's just got a little sand
in his vagina. |
| Kyle: |
THERE'S NO SAND IN MY VAGINA!!! |
| Ms. Choksondik: |
[pointing] Boys, watch your language! Shit! |
| |
[Kindergarten, day] |
| Mr. Garrison: |
And so, children, instead of saying "Hand in your
papers," I may now say "Hand in your shit." Any questions? |
| Filmore: |
What about, "I have to take a shit"? |
| Mr. Garrison: |
NO!
NO, Filmore! You can say "I have to poop and shit," or "Oh, shit, I
have to poop," but NOT "I have to shit." Are we all clear? |
| Kindergartners: |
No. |
| Mr. Garrison: |
Look,
it's all about context. Well, for example, recently, I have come out
and admitted that I was a homosexual. I'm gay. That means that now I
can say the word, "fag." On television they usually don't allow "fag."
But because I'm gay, it's alright. And with the new approval of the
word, "shit," that means that finally I am free to say,
Hey, there, shitty shitty fag fag,
Shitty shitty fag fag, how do you do?
Hey, there, shitty shitty fag fag,
Shitty shitty fag fag, how do you do?
[pleased] Oh this is great! |
| |
[South
Park, some days later. The town has taken to using the S word, with
S-themed stores and products all over the place. Poeple proudly sport
the word on their shirts. An elderly couple walks out of Sh*t 'n Things
and stop just outside the door] |
| Elderly Woman: |
Why that store has such lovely shit. |
| Elderly Man: |
Yeah. [they walk forth] Too bad I don't have shit for
cash right now. [camera pans to the right and shows Principal Victoria
and Mr. Mackey.] |
| Principal Victoria: |
Oh, looks like the weather might turn shitty. |
| Mr. Mackey: |
Oh, I don't really give a shit. I've done enough shit
outside today and shit. |
| Man: |
Shit, Peter, you look like shit. |
| Peter: |
Oh, shit, I feel like shit. I think I to- [begins to
vomit strenuously, then falls over dead as people gather to see what's
the matter] |
| Woman 1: |
Holy shit! |
| Woman 2: |
Did you see that shit? [Officer Barbrady arrives] |
| Barbardy: |
What kind of shit is this? |
| Man 1: |
That is some weird shit. [camera pans up into the sky.
Voice-overs from here on] |
| Woman 3: |
Susan, your shit's ready! |
| Man 2: |
Hey, do you know where this shit goes? [cut to a shot
of the U.S. with Colorado highlighted. Smoke pours up from cities
everywhere] |
| Man 3: |
Shit if I know. |
| Woman 4: |
Nice going, shit-for-brains. |
| |
[a high mountain is shown] |
| Man 4: |
Old McDonald took a shit, E I E I O |
| Man 5: |
No shit! |
| |
[seven
knights are shown encased in ice. The smoke reaches them and thaws them
out. Music swells. They step forth and walk to the edge of a cliff,
looking out over all those towns and cities spewing forth the filthy
word. They draw their swords and raise them high, and lightning strikes
each of the swords] |
| |
[South Park, another day. Mr.
Garrisn is walking down the street, singing.] |
| Mr. Garrison: |
Hey, there, shitty shitty fag fag,
Shitty shitty fag fag, how do you do?
Hey, there,- |
| Man 6: |
[bumps into Garrison] Oh, shit, 'scuse me. [walks away] |
| Mr. Garrison: |
Hey, watch it, fag. |
| Man 6: |
[stops and backs up] What did you call me? |
| Mr. Garrison: |
I called you a fag. Because I'm gay, and that means I'm
free to use the word "fag." So piss off, you fag-shitter! [laughs and
walks away]
Heh, so hay there, shity shitty fag fag
Shitty shitty fag fag, kutuputupuh [walks past Stan and Cartman.
Cartman is sucking on a Popsicle] |
| Stan: |
This suck. Now that "shit"'s out, it isn't fun to say
it anymore. |
| Cartman: |
Yeah,
they've taken all the fun out of "shit." We're gonna have to start
saying other bad words, like cock and fuck and... meecrob. [licks his
Popsicle] |
| Stan: |
What's meecrob? |
| Cartman: |
You
know, that stuff you get as a appetizer at Thai food restaurants.
"meecrob" is way grosser than "shit," dude. I'd scarf down a whole wet
bucket fullof shit before I ate another plate of meecrob. [Kyle rushes
in with Kenny behind him] |
| Kyle: |
You guys! You guys! I've looked up the word, "shit!" I
think it might have something to do with people dying! |
| Stan: |
What? |
| Kyle: |
Haven't you noticed everyone getting sick? It all
started when they said "shit" on television. |
| Cartman: |
[dismissive] Oh, Kyle, you are so full of meecrob. |
| Kyle: |
I am not
full of meekro- what? Look, the word "shit" first showed up in English
in the 1340s, the same time as something called, "the Black Death." |
| Stan: |
What's that? |
| Cartman: |
Kyle, do you still have sand in your vagina about us
not going to The Lion King with you?! I mean, shit, dude, let it go. |
| Kyle: |
Look! It might be a coincidence, but I think we'd
better ask someone. Come on! [They walk past Sh*t Shack, and one of the
knights steps out of the store as they leave. He sniffs the shirt in
his right hand] |
| |
[Hollywood,
day, the HBC building, home of "Terrance and Phillip." The network
president talks to his staff in a boardroom. They're all smiles] |
| HBC President: |
...Seventy-five share. My God, I never thought it was
possible. |
| Director 1: |
[brown hair and tie] Sir, your "shit" idea has turned
the entire network around. We're proud to work for you. [all clap] |
| Director 2: |
[a blond]
Sir, I'd just like to take this opportunity: I'm sure I speak for all
of us when I say, you are the most creative genius in Hollywood, and...
well... I'd let you have me if you wanted. |
| HBC President: |
Thanks, Roger, but I've only just started. You see,
I've already figured out our new marketing scheme technique for the next
run of shows. |
| Director 3: |
Whoa! |
| Director 4: |
Wow, he's unstoppable! |
| Director 1: |
What's the new idea? |
| Director 3: |
I can hardly wait. |
| Director 5: |
I'm about to piss myself! |
| HBC President: |
[dramatic. Music swells] This Saturday... on HBC...
we're going to say... [music stops] "shit" ...twice. |
| Director 3: |
...Twice! |
| Director 4: |
Brilliant! |
| Director 6: |
Think of the repetition! |
| Director 3: |
It's like saying it once... but double! |
| HBC President: |
Well gentlemen, let's get on it! |
| All: |
Ho! [they raise their arms up in salute] |
| |
[South Park Elementary, day.
Chef is singing away in the kitchen, serving up lunch for the kids.] |
| Chef: |
Baby you are so fine, and shit!
The shit you do, the shit you say; I'd jump on your shit any day!
[the boys walk in] Oh, hello there, children. |
| The Boys: |
Hey Chef. |
| Kyle: |
Chef, do you know where "shit" comes from? |
| Chef: |
Uh, from your ass, children. |
| Kyle: |
[holds his left palm out] No no no! The word, "shit." |
| Chef: |
Oooh. |
| Cartman: |
[points to Kyle] Detective Sandy Vagina here thinks
that "shit" might have something to do with everyone getting sick |
| Kyle: |
Ungh, it said in my book that the word, "shit," started
the exact same time as something called, "The Black Death." |
| Chef: |
The Black Death? Are you sure? |
| Stan: |
What's the Black Death, Chef? |
| Chef: |
LaToya Jackson, children. |
| The Boys: |
Oh. |
| Chef: |
But I think back in those days it meant something else:
the plague! |
| |
[The
Library, later. Chef reads from a large book on a large table on the
ground floor. To his left sit Stan and Kenny, to his right Kyle and
Cartman] |
| Chef: |
It says here the word, "shit" has been around for over
600 years. It comes from the Anglo-Saxon word, "skite." |
| Kyle: |
Right.
But in the 1340s people in England stopped calling it "skite" and
started calling it "shit." The same year as the Black Plague. |
| Librarian: |
[walks up with a cart of books] This is the oldest book
in the library. [stops and holds up the book]
A priceless original of England's history. Just about everythign you
could want to know about the plague is in this great tome. [blows the
dust off the book, and the book disappears in the dust] Oh, shit. Well,
this other book has some good information, too. [hands Chef the book
and Chef cracks it open. Music starts] |
| Chef: |
The Black Plague. Over half of Europe was killed by it. |
| Stan: |
Look, they're puking out their intestines, just like
the people here. [points] |
| Chef: |
Look at this, children. [the boys look closer]
It says that the people in England believed that the plague was a
curse, a dark magic infliction brought on by a mass utterance of a word
of curse. |
| Stan: |
Word of curse? |
| Kyle: |
A c...curse word. |
| Chef: |
Of course! I've never even thought about why we use the
term "curse word" before. |
| Stan: |
Because it brings a curse? Like the Black Death. |
| Cartman: |
You guys, look here. [the others move over to see]
In this Nancy Drew mystery, Nancy goes to the beach and gets sand
trapped in her shoe. This... could explain how Kyle got it in his
vagina. |
| Kyle: |
Cartman, this is serious!!! |
| Cartman: |
So am I, Kyle. If that sand in your vagina doesn't get
released, you could become a walking time bomb. [laughs] |
| Librarian: |
[returns] If you don't mind, I'll have to close up now.
They're going to say "shit" seven times on HBC and I d-agh! [begins to
vomit strenuously, then falls over dead] |
| Stan: |
Holy shit! |
| Cartman: |
Oho, gross! |
| Kyle: |
Dude, this plague is spreading like wildfire! [Kenny
goes under the weather and coughs. The others look] |
| Stan: |
Uh oh. |
| Kenny: |
(Uh oh.) |
| Cartman: |
Kenny's got it. heh heh. |
| Kyle: |
We've gotta do something, Chef. If we don't we don't
stop that network, [the lead knight looks into the library from the
bushes] "shit" will becvome an even more acceptable word! |
| Chef: |
Children, we've got to warn those producers in
Hollywood that the plague, and "shit," could be linked! |
| |
[An airplane, day. Chef and
the boys are headed for Hollywood] |
| Captain: |
Hello,
ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. If you look out
the right side of the aircraft you can see some interesting shit. [all
look right, except Chef and Kenny] And over on the left side, there's
some interesting shit, too. [all look left, except Chef and Kenny]
Well, we should be arriving in los Angeles in about two hours. Until
then we invite you to sit back, relax, and enjoy our shitty service.
[Kenny coughs at Cartman] |
| Cartman: |
[brushes himself off] Goddamnit, Kenny! Don't get your
plague germs on me! |
| Kyle: |
Cartman, stop being an asshole! [camera
pans left to the lead knight sitting between two men, reading from THE
WORLD NEWS. The knight lowers the paper and looks over at the boys,
then sips from his coffee cup] |
| |
[HBC headquarters, Hollywood,
day, boardroom.] |
| Director 5: |
Tha ratings are in, sir. We broke another record last
night with the show that said "shit" seven times! [applause] |
| Director 1: |
Where is the roof on this thing? I mean, I mean, how
can we top ourselves now? [the president walks behind him on route to
the head of the table, then sits down] |
| HBC President: |
Gentlemen, I have it. The end-all greatest marketing
ploy of all time. [applause]
Tonight, on HBC, we will air all our sitcoms... LIVE. And have everyone
say "shit" in place of their written lines. And we'll call it "Must
Shit TV." |
| Director 1: |
Bravo! |
| Director 2: |
"Night Of A Million Shits!" |
| HBC President: |
Now, doing this live will be difficult, so we must-
[Chef and the boys burst through the doors] |
| Chef: |
Hold on a minute, Mr. Producer! |
| HBC President: |
Who are you? |
| Chef: |
My name is Chef, and these are the children! We've come
to warn you about "shit." |
| HBC President: |
[wearily] Oh brother, another Christian protest group |
| Director 1: |
Who wants to take this one? |
| Director 2: |
I'll get it. [rises and walks over to the guests, with
a box of complimentary gifts] Gentlemen, we appreciate your concern.
[starts speaking quickly as he hands out beanie turtles, caps, American
flags, and T-shirts. Kenny's eyes are bloodshot now]
Here at HBC the general goal is providing the highest and most
thought-provoking netertainment. How great it is that we live in a
country where an artist can express himself freely. That's not only the
American spirit, it's the HBC spirit. Which allows us to make great
family programs like Halo The Turtle, and of course, everyone's
favorite show, Cop Drama.
We can't thank you enough for bringing your concerns to our network,
for it is you, the loyal HBC viewer, who makes this great network, and
indeed, the great country that it is. [ginishes his speech with some
confetti, then returns to his chair] |
| HBC President: |
Alright, now, as I was saying- |
| Chef: |
Hey! Hold on a minute! |
| HBC President: |
Aw, are they stil here? |
| Chef: |
Haven't you people noticed all the strange things going
on? |
| Kyle: |
We think that you might have could it by helping make
"shit" an everyday word. [the executives just stare back at him] |
| Director 4: |
Mhm, right, right. |
| Kyle: |
It's true. We think that word might be plaguing our
friend, Kenny. |
| HBC President: |
Do you have any proof of this? |
| Kyle: |
...Nnno |
| HBC President: |
Then [rises] get out of here before we have you thrown
out! |
| Cartman: |
But... we can keep the Halo the Turtle dolls, right? |
| |
[HBC headquarters, Hollywood,
day, outside. Chef and the boys exit the building.] |
| Chef: |
[defiant] Damn cracker-ass producers! |
| Stan: |
Now what are we gonna do, Chef? |
| Chef: |
I don't know, children. I guess we've got to get the
word out to people some other way. |
| Lead Knight: |
[arrives, and brandishes his sword]
Aaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh. |
| Stan: |
Oh shit! |
| Lead Knight: |
Stand aside! [the boys make way for him, and he rushes
into the building] |
| |
[HBC headquarters, Hollywood,
day, boardroom.] |
| HBC President: |
Alright, now, we have to get all our biggest names to
say "shit," and then we're gonna- [the knight bursts into the room] |
| Lead Knight: |
Halt your evil plans! |
| Executives: |
Huh? |
| Lead Knight: |
I possess the Rune Stone of Undoing! Who is in charge
here? [all the directors point to the president] |
| HBC President: |
Oh... [buries his face in his hands, believing his
staff did something special for him] nno, you guys didn't hire me a
stripper for my birthday-oooh, tell me you guys didn't. |
| Lead Knight: |
Show your true form, Geldon, lest you be afraid! Your
short time in this world is at an end! [aims the Rune Stone at the
president, but nothing happens. The directors just look at him.] Awch.
The Rune Stone has no effect! You are not Geldon! |
| HBC President: |
I never said I was. |
| Lead Knight: |
[wields his sword and rushes towards the president] You
will die anyway, for you have spread the word of curse! [decapitates a
director] |
| HBC President: |
Security! [two officers come in with guns drawn andn
fire away at the knight] |
| Lead Knight: |
Waaarrgh! [the gunfire forces him out a window, and he
falls to the ground five floors below] |
| |
[HBC headquarters, Hollywood,
day, outside. Chef and the boys approach the fallen knight.] |
| Chef: |
Who are you? |
| Lead Knight: |
Take this. [reaches out, and Stan takes the stone] |
| Stan: |
What are we supposed to do with it? |
| Lead Knight: |
Eeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. [expires] |
| Kyle: |
Now what? |
| Chef: |
We've
got to find people who would know what the hell this is all about.
Children, we're goin'ta have to go to the land of castles, knights, and
kings! |
| |
[Las Vegas, sunset, a view of
the Strip, showing many of the attractions that can be found there.] |
| Announcer: |
[as Chef and the boys take a people-mover in] Lords and
Ladies, we bid you welcome to the grandest casino in the land,
Excalibur! [a shot of the casino inside, with craps table, one-armed
bandits, etc.] |
| Barker: |
Take a free spin. Double your odds. [Chef and the boys
approach] |
| Chef: |
'Scuse me. Do you work here? |
| Barker: |
How can I help you, noble sir? |
| Kyle: |
We need some help identifying an ancient English stone. |
| Barker: |
A what? |
| Stan: |
It might hold the key to a curse. |
| Barker: |
Uh... I can help get you some credit or a comp meal,
perhaps. |
| Stan: |
Dude, we need help from the British! |
| Barker: |
Lluhook kid, Thihis is just a casino. I can't help you.
You know, not every British person knows about wizards [begins
chuckling] and dragons and curses. |
| Chef: |
We just need help identifying this. [holds up the stone] |
| Barker: |
[suddenly concerned, with hushed tones] The Rune Stome
of Gaelic! Where did you get this? |
| Stan: |
You know what it is? |
| Barker: |
The Skyre once spoke of such a stone! Come, we must see
the sorcerer! [leads Chef and the boys off] |
| |
[South Park, bar, night. The
men are gathered there once again] |
| Announcer: |
Get ready for "Must Shit TV!" Starting now, four
straight hours of pure shit! It's all live! |
| |
[On the set of the Drew Carey
show. Drew and Mimi are onstage, with Drew sitting at his desk] |
| Drew: |
Hey! Hm, heh, shit! Heh. [studio audience laughs] Ya
ain't shit. |
| Mimi: |
Hyeh. Dude, ya ain't shit! [more laughs] |
| HBC President: |
This is it. My greatest work. |
| |
[Excalibur, inside. The barker
leads Chef and the boys down a hall and run into a waitress dressed as
a damsel] |
| Waitress: |
Cocktails. Cocktails. |
| Barker: |
There Americans wish to see the Skyre! |
| Waitress: |
Let us make haste to the inner sanctum! |
| |
[Excalibur, the hallway to the
Inner Sanctum. The barker and waitress lead Chef and the boys through] |
| Barker: |
How could you foolish Americans bring the wrath of
scorn by mass-chanting the word of wretchedness?! |
| Chef: |
Aah, yeah. We didn't mean to. |
| Barker: |
Didn't you realize "shit" is a curse word?! |
| Stan: |
Well, yeah, but I don't think that "curse word"
meant... curse word. |
| Barker: |
Ha!
Leave it to American to think that "no" means yes, "pissed" means
angry, and "curse word" means something other than a word that's cursed!! |
| |
[The Inner Sanctum. The group
enters and walks towards the sorcerer] |
| Sorcerer: |
Let me see the stone. [takes it and walks off to his
right] |
| Chef: |
But I don't get it. People use curse words all the time. |
| Barker: |
Saying a word of curse once in a while does nothing.
It's only when spoken repeatedly and en masse that the curse takes
place. |
| Sorcerer: |
[now seated at a table with a book of runes open]
Uhuh-I've seen this before. Stones that were used by the Knights of
Standards and Practices. |
| Chef: |
Knights of Standards and Practices? |
| Sorcerer: |
A legion of men sworn to do whatever necessary to keep
the words at bay. But... they were just a myth. |
| |
[South Park, bar, night. The
men watch the Drew Carey Show] |
| Mimi: |
You know what? You're dumb as shit! |
| Drew: |
Oh yeah?! Well, I don't really give a shit! |
| Randy: |
Ng-aah, that word's kind of getting old. It's not
really... funny anymore. |
| Man 7: |
Yeah, they're gonna have to come up with a new swear
word now. |
| Mr. Garrison: |
Well, they can't use "fag." Because you can't say "fag"
unless you're a homosexual. |
| Randy: |
Really? So we can't say __g? |
| Mr. Garrison: |
No. See, you got beeped. |
| Man 7: |
You mean you have to be a __g to say __g? |
| Mr. Garrison: |
That's right. |
| Jimbo: |
Hell, that's not fair! I should be able to say "fag."
[realizes he wasn't beeped] |
| Randy: |
...Hey, you didn't get beeped. |
| Jimbo: |
Uh oh. |
| Mr. Garrison: |
Well well well! Guess we learned something new about you,
Jimbo, you freakin' fag! You wanna make out or something? |
| Drew: |
[shown] Aw, man, I am up shit creek. |
| |
[On the set of the Drew Carey
show. The door to stage C opens and in gallop the knights with swords
drawn] |
| Mimi: |
Serves you right, shit-for-brains! |
| Drew: |
Yeah, how could I be such a dumb...sh- |
| Lead Knight: |
Say not the word of curse! [throws
his sword at Drew. The sword enters through Drew's mouth and out the
left side of his head. The handle forces him off his chair and onto a
cubicle wall] |
| HBC President: |
What the? |
| Mimi: |
[rushing in] Holy shit! [another knight chops Mimi's
head off from behind] |
| |
[South Park, bar, night. The
men watch the Drew Carey Show] |
| Mr. Garrison: |
Oh boy, this show is really reaching for plot now! |
| |
[Excalibur, the Inner Sanctum.
The Sorcerer continues with the mythology of the knights] |
| Sorcerer: |
The
knights were formed to keep curse words to a minimum. Should a curse
word ever be let out, they would return. A rune for each word of curse
was made, representing each of the eight words that so offended God... |
| Stan: |
Look, there's the F-word. |
| Kyle: |
And asshole. |
| Cartman: |
I knew it! Meecrob! [the word is shown in close-up]
Meecrob is a curse word! God must hate it as much as I do! |
| Sorcerer: |
Look at this: The writing here claims this stone can
defeat the evil geldon [the page he reads from show a dragon], who will
rise when the word of curse has been said enough times to give him
power. Then all the world will be destroyed. |
| Stan: |
All the world destroyed? |
| Cartman: |
My house, too? |
| Chef: |
Oh no! |
| Sorcerer: |
What? |
| Chef: |
Tonight is the "Night of a Million Shits" on HBC! It's
gonna be said over and over! |
| Sorcerer: |
Then we haven't much time. We must go! |
| |
[On the set of the Drew Carey
show. The blond knight approaches the cameraman] |
| Blond Knight: |
Turn off those devices of broadcast! |
| HBC President: |
What is coing on here?! Stop this shit! |
| Blond Knight: |
We are the Royal Order of Standards and Practices! [a
bald knight joins him] |
| Blad Knight: |
We command you to stop saying the curse word! |
| HBC President: |
Listen,
Mr. Shinypants, I am the head of this network, and I will say "shit"
all I want! Shit, shit, shit shit shit, shit shit shit shit shit shit
shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit,
[gasp. A rumble is heard], shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit
shit! [stops.
The rumble gets very loud and the ground begins to heave, as if an
earthquake is occuring. The ground splits open and the geldon rises
from it. The audience screams as the geldon breathes real fire out at
it]
Oh, shit! |
| |
[South Park, bar, night. The
TV screen is show, with the HBC logo] |
| Announcer: |
And now, back to Must Shit TV, here on HBC. |
| |
[On the set of the Drew Carey
show. The terror continues - the knights fight the geldon valiantly] |
| Lead Knight: |
He is too strong! We cannot fight him without the rune
stone! |
| Director 1: |
My, my GOD, sir! What have you unleashed upon the
world?! |
| HBC President: |
I didn't know. [begins to weep into his hands] I DIDN'T
KNOW!!! |
| |
[South Park, bar, night. The
men watch in increasing disbelief] |
| Randy: |
I, I can't follow this shitty storyline at all. |
| |
[On the set of the Drew Carey
show. The terror continues, but Chef and the boys arrive] |
| Kyle: |
Wait! [the geldon lets loose another blast of fire] |
| Cartman: |
[as the geldon sets more fires] Oh boy, that thing has
really got sand in its vagina! [one knight's horse's tail is on fire] |
| Lead Knight: |
The rune stone! Point it towards Geldon! [Kyle does as
ordered, and a flash of light emanates from the rune stone, stunning
the geldon] |
| Geldon: |
Agh. Dude, lame. Lame! [the ground opens up again and
the geldon drops down into the hole] Sorry, dudes. [the ground closes
up again] |
| Cartman: |
What a stupid voice. |
| Kyle: |
It's okay. The curse has been lifted. [the audience
falls silent. Kyle and Stan are on stage] |
| Stan: |
Yeah. We all gotta make sure it doesn't come back. |
| Kyle: |
You see, we've learned something today. Swearing can be
fun, but doing it all the time causes a lot of problems. |
| |
[Cut to Kyle's home, where
he's on TV] |
| Kyle: |
We're all saying the S-word too much! [Ike hops in] |
| Ike: |
Kyle. |
| Sheila: |
[on the sofa with Gerald] Look, Gerald. Kyle's on
television! [she's sewing as he reads the paper] |
| Gerald: |
[doesn't look up] Uh huh. |
| |
[Cut to the old folks' home] |
| Kyle: |
The
knights of Standards and Practices were created to make sure that bad
words were kept to a minimum. "Curse words" They're called that because
they are a curse. We have to go back to only using curse words in rare,
extreme circumstances. |
| Stan: |
And
besides, too much use of a dirty word takes away from its... impact. We
believe in free speech and all that, but... keeping a few words taboo
just adds to the fun of English. |
| Cartman: |
[camera cuts to him] So please, everyone, From now on
you've got to try and watch your language. [murmurs and a smattering of
applause come from the audience] |
| |
[South Park, bar, night. The
men think over the boys' message] |
| The men: |
[one by one] Yeah. |
| Randy: |
That makes sense. |
| Colleague 1: |
Ain't that right? |
| Mr. Garrison: |
Is this still part of the show? |
| |
[On the set of the Drew Carey
show. The place is calm now] |
| HBC President: |
We're sorry, noble knights of Standards and Pracrices,
[the knights and the executives approach each other] from now on, we
will obey your laws. |
| Blond Knight: |
See that you do! |
| Chef: |
I'm very proud of you, children. Let's all go home and
find a nice white woman to make love to. |
| Stan: |
Yeah! And Kenny didn't die! |
| Kenny: |
(Yeah, I didn't- Goddamnit! Aargh!) [he keels over, his
intestines pouring out over the sound stage] |
| Stan: |
Holy shi- [quickly taps his mouth with his hands and
releases] poo. |
| Cartman: |
Hah, I love you guys. |
| |
[End of It Hits The Fan] |
