Yuh huh! If you don't wear a condom, you're gonna get AIDS.

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Well,I don't know what got into you kids. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

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That does it! Attack!

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Yeah, but it makes going to the bathroom easier.

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Dumbass, you can only milk a dog once every few hours. It doesn't work if you beat off the dog again right away.

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Ew, Butters? You're in big trouble now.

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Uh the first chapter alone was filled with poetry.

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Not now, Stanley. This is Mommy and Daddy's book club night, remember?

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NO, we can't do fingerpaint! You kids wanna get herpes?! Huh?! How about a nice bucket of AIDS?!

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Don't you know that without wearing a condom you could get a disease?

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That's a con-dor, Jenny. Con-dor.

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Yeah! Let's get that damned school on the phone!

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I'm pretty sure I took th-yeah I took the penis, and I bu- uh what the hell did I do with that damned thing??

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Mr. Mackey didn't say nothin' about that.

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Nope. It looks like you're just supposed to roll it over your weiner.

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Yeah, just hold on a minute. The fifth graders showed us how to do it. Red rocket. Come on, dog, red rocket! Ohooohhh.

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You guys have to wear condoms. Now, please, just, just go away. We don't want your AIDS.

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The only way we can combat that is by educating children before they have sex.

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Did you feel something?

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Yeah, I guess they thought we were cool, so they showed us how to do it-hey come here, dog. Dog, come here!

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Butters, will you stop filibustering?

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Now, I know that some of you think this is very funny. Words like "penis" and "vagina."

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Fun! It's going to be fun! Well let's start with our first lesson, then, shall we?

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I wasn't looking as his schlong, I was seeing how to put the condom on!

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Dude, we gotta go get condoms quick.

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Well, I guess now that that's out of the way, we can get on with our lives. Come here, boy!

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We just got in the new Gladiators for kids. 'Lil Mini's. They're specially designed for kids under 10, and they're only five ninety five for a box of fifty.

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Ahaha, ahem. Heheh, he, he gets very good grades.

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STANLEY, YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW!

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Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company! Ah I mean, ever! Beating off the dog is not appropriate ever!

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I forgot to tell them that to get diseases from boys you... have to thave sex with them first.

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How old are you boys?

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Alright, boys, I now have all the information I need to teach you the female anatomy, hm'kay.

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M'kay. Now, in order to have intercourse, the man takes his penis, and he... hmmm... uhh...

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I don't even understand how this thing... ooh, wait. Oh, I see.

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You say, "Oh, Ms. Choksondik, that happens to girls in Detroit, in Brooklyn, but not here in Colorado." WRONG!

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We'll never walk away. Never!

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What's this all about, Kenny?

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But how old do you think a student should be when they learn about proper condom use?

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Yeah, I don't think Ol' Mackey knows a hymen from a hysterectomy. And Choksondik? I'd be surprised if she's ever gotten laid in her life.

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...but I uh... eh just wanted to see what else you were teaching the girls, in case I... "missed" anything.

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Why, it's just a little doughnut. Hoh- it's all gooey.

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"Scream for me, bitch!"

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And here we see the tender, magical uterus. Here we see the enticing, voluptuous Fallopian tubes, m'kay.

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Snacky S'mores presents: The Miracle of Child Birth. The time is drawing close for delivery. Here we can see the water breaking.

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Some music.

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Look, parents. Do you really want your children learning about sex? Part of the fun of being a kid is being naive!

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Something about how nerve endings play an important part in intercourse.

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Eric, you can't get AIDS from just sitting around, you have to get it from sex.

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And then as I got older my... my head just sorta seemed to get bigger while the rest of my body stayed the same. That's how I got my nickname in college.

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I have to agree with Ms. Choksondik. It's our responsibility to make sure our kids are safe if they're gonna screw around.

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Well we should make sure our students are good and scared of the consequences.

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Kids are going to do what they do, and it's up to us to make sure they're protected.

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Wha? Why did you pan to me just now? What the hell is that s'posed to mean?

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That's right, girls. Here's what happens when you don't get boys to use condoms!

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I don't know. It doesn't feel wrong. I've been thinking about you a lot, Ms. Choksondik.

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Yes, good Flora, you remembered the Filthy Sanchez.

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Yeah, the wrap-around butt grab. Sure, can't forget that. Uh huh, reverse cowgirl...

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but today we're going to talk about the most horrible they can give you of all... PREGNANCY!

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I'm going to show you the proper way to put on a condom...

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Yeah. Why, just this afternoon our son was caught beatin' off our dog.

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Well, I'm quite happy without sex. I mehean, with all the diseases and problems out there, who needs it, right?

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Red rocket. Red rocket. Come on.

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STOP that, m'kay! The next person that laughs is gonna get a referral!

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A-and it's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can... pee in it.

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But it won't stay on. I I need a rubber band or somethin'.

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Apparently, almost all of our fourth graders are sexually active. And now that we've scared them a little they're buying condoms to use.

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With all the teen pregnancies that are out today, I think my boy does need to know about sexual education.

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M'kay, so apparently the lesson plan tomorrow is s'posed to involve the secretion of bodily fluids, m'kay.

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It's very simple, children. The right time to start having sex is... 17.

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No, Stan! What you were doing to the dog was-ss sexual.

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Wow, I've... never met a man who is... as sexually unappealing as me.

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He's right. I never knew how special and personal sex was un... until just recently

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"If used properly, latex condoms are effective against pregnancy, AIDS and other studzes"

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The nerve endings are the most concentrated at- the- tip of the penis. Like they are in the...

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Stay away from us, bastards! We don't wanna get pregnant!

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I liked him very much, but I... found out that he was dating me because he lost a bet on the Superbowl. The loser had to go out with me for three days.

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But sex isn't something that should be taught in textbooks and diagrams. Sex is emotional and spiritual. It needs to be taught by family.

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Well that does it! If us boys are going to live, we have to get rid of the girls!

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Hey, somebody's gotta help Timmy put his condom on.

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Mark, we have to be willing to supply condoms to anyone who requests them.

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Well uh, how long did you wait before you had... uh... doobers.

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Just walk away. You can put a stop to all this. Just walk away and we will spare your lives. Just walk away.

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Well, I guess we got a while to wait before we have to worry about sex and diseases, huh, Wendy?

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What the hell is wrong with them?

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No, you guys, this is really cool. Come on!

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