| |
[Bus stop, day. The four boys
stand at the bus stop waiting for the bus. Each of them wears a gas
mask. The boys are silent.] |
| Kyle: |
...Remember when life used to be simple and cool? |
| Cartman: |
...Not really. |
| Butters: |
[runs up.] Uh, hey! [The boys jump, startled] How's it
goin', fellas? |
| Stan:: |
Butters, what the hell are you doing? |
| Butters: |
Huh, well, I'm just standin' around bein' a kid. Why?
How come you're all wearing those spooky spaceman masks? |
| Kyle: |
These are gas masks, Butters! |
| Stan: |
Yeah! If you don't have a gas mask, you're gonna get
smallpox or anthrax! |
| Butters: |
What?! [frightened] Oh, Jesus! I don't wanna get the
'thrax, fellas! Uh, what do I do? |
| Stan: |
There's nothing you can do except stop breathing. |
| Butters: |
Stop breathin'? |
| Kyle: |
Yeah, you can't get it if you don't breathe. |
| Butters: |
Well. Alright, then. [takes
in a big gulp of air and holds his breath hard. His head goes
cock-eyed. A few seconds later, the bus pulls up. The kids on the bus
and Ms. Crabtree wear gas masks as well. Officer Barbrady, wearing a
gas mask, gets out of the bus to inspect the boys' backpacks. The boys,
including Butters, line up before him, and he inspects Stan's backpack.
He pokes at it in a few places and then gives it back to Stan. Butters
begins turning blue] |
| Officer
Barbrady: |
Well okay. Next? [Stan
boards the bus and Kyle steps up, giving his backpack to Barbrady. He
inspects the backpack quickly and returns it to Kyle] Next? [Kyle
boards the bus and Kenny steps up, giving his backpack to Barbrady. He
inspects the backpack and pulls out some magazines...] Let's see:
Hotties, Juicy, Whoppers... [returns the magazines and backpack to
Kenny, who quickly boards the bus. Cartman walks up.] Okay, next?
[Cartman hands him the backpack and Barbrady quickly pulls out some
scissors in it] A-ha! What the hell are you doin' with this?! |
| Cartman: |
Those are my Hootie Owlie Round-Tip Scissors. |
| Officer
Barbrady: |
These are a weapon! [holds the scissors aloft, away
from Cartman] |
| Cartman: |
Awww, come onnn! How am I gonna kill people with those? |
| Officer
Barbrady: |
I'll think of a way. Now move along! |
| Cartman: |
God-damnit! [boards the bus without his scissors] |
| Officer
Barbrady: |
Alright, next! [No one steps up. Butters is quite blue
now and just stands there. Then he just faints forward] Okay, clear.
[the bus starts up, Barbrady boards it, and away it goes.] |
| |
[South
Park Elenentary, morning. Along with the regular flag on the flagpole,
a larger flag is draped over the front of the school, covering some
second-story windows and the center of the school sign. Inside, the
kids filter into class and drop off their gas masks along the wall. The
door has been fitted with an industrial lock. Butters enters and locks
the door] |
| Tweek: |
[drops off his mask] Oh, Jesus, man! They're gonna get
me! [sits down] Oh Christ! [under his breath] they might - couild get
me. |
| Ms. Choksondik: |
Alright
class, as some of you may have heard, the President has asked that
American children all send one dollar to the children of Afghanistan.
[holds up a sheet of paper with writing on it] So I have a list of
addresses and we're goin' to all chip in. |
| Cartman: |
HA! I'm not giving a dollar to those towelheads! |
| Ms. Choksondik: |
Eric, the Afghan people need our help! |
| Cartman: |
Oh, I'm sorry, but I though we were at war with these
assholes! |
| Wendy: |
We're
at war with terrorists, fatass, not with Afghanistan, and the only
reason that you care is that you don't wanna give up the dollar! |
| Cartman: |
That dollar buys me a chocolate milk for lunch! What,
do you want me to just get a regular milk for ten cents? [cue soft
music. Cartman stands on his seat]
Now look, it isn't our fault that terrorists hate us. We're just kids.
We're not the ones bombing them now, we're- we're jsut kids. [now
standing on his desk] There's a lot of crazy stuff goin' on in the
world, but, we're caught in the middle. It's not our fault. |
| Wendy: |
The Afghan kids are caught in the middle, too! |
| Cartman: |
Yes, but they're sand monkeys! |
| Ms. Choksondik: |
Alright, children, we are all sending a dollar to the
kids in Afghanistan! That's it! End of discussion! |
| Cartman: |
[drops into his seat angrily] God-damnit, I hate
regular milk!!! |
| |
[Afghanistan,
day. Adults mill around as fighter planes fly by and bomb a few
buildings. Two boys enter from the left and face the camera. They begin
to talk in a strange language. Two other boys appear, and it's apparent
these boys are the counterparts to the boys in South Park. The one who
looks overdressed has a goat. After what sounds like introductions,
they move off to play some basketball at a nearby makeshift ball court.
The boy who was the first to speak gives the ball to his friend, the
second to speak. The friend shoots the basket, but a bomb falls on the
backboard, launching the ball away from the court and destroying the
backboard and pole] |
| Afghan Boys:: |
Awww!
[the
Kyle counterpart says something about seeing a film, then the four move
off to their right. They pay for their tickets and head for the doors.
A bomb falls on the theater and blows it up]
Awww!
[the
Stan and Kyle counterparts talk to each other a bit, then head for a
two-story building. They stop at the front door and a fighter plane
drops a bomb on the building. Only the door remains]
Awww! |
| |
[The
Stan and Kenny counterparts talk. A horse-drawn small SUV pulls up, a
man comes out and drops off four letters, one for each boy, and gets
back into the driver's seat. The SUV pulls away and the boys look at
their letters. The Kyle counterpart gets this one: As dramatic music
plays, he opens the letter up, looks inside, flips it over, and lets a
dollar float down from it. The other three boys do the same. Akmarh
looks at the bill, then up at the death and destruction surrounding the
boys, and it's apparent that $4 won't do much to repair any of it.
Akmarh looks at the bill again and wonders what to do with it.] |
| |
[The
Marsh house, day. The garage has a large flag draping the door. Inside,
on the living room couch. Sharon is lying there covered with blankets
and watching TV. On the floor around the sofa are bowls, candles, food,
and other items. Sharon hasn't been off that couch in a while.] |
| Reporter: |
[on TV] Another high-alert status for terrorists
activity this weekend. [SNN
- America Fights Back. A news ticker crawls by. Major headlines appear
to the left, stock quotes on top, weather forecasts under the crawl]
The government said "bad things are likely to happen." [the door bell
rings] Meanwhile, the world continues to back down from their support
of the United States [dingle] saying that they were really only kidding
to begin with. |
| Stan: |
[approaching] Hey Mom, door bell's ringin'. |
| Sharon: |
Can huh get th'ere 'or me? [Stan goes to open the door.] |
| Randy: |
[approaching through the kitchen, stops at the kitchen
door] Hey, Sharon? Maybe you should stop watchin' the news for a little
bit? [Sharon mutters something] Shu- Sharon, you've been watching CNN
for about ah... eight weeks now. Don't you wanna watch somethin' else?
[the door closes] Shu-shu-sharon? [Stan comes back into view, pulling a
box a bit bigger than he is into the living room] |
| Stan: |
Hey, look at what the postman brought me! It's a big
brown package from Afghanistan! |
| Sharon: |
Weh, that's nahice. |
| Stan: |
We sent the Afghani kids some dollars - they must have
sent us something cool in return! [looks back at Randy] Do you have
some scissors to get this open? |
| Randy: |
Stanely,
your mother's a little freaked out right now. Why don't you go play
with your big brown package from Afghanistan outside? |
| Stan:: |
Well alright. [pushes
the package back towards the front door. Randy returns to the
kitchen... Sharon bolts from the sofa as Randy rushes back into the
living room] |
| Randy, Sharon: |
Big brown package from Afghanistan??!! |
| |
[The
Marsh house, night. Paramedics, fire trucks, the SWAT team, and the FBI
are all there. Two klieg lights shine on the package as two Hazmat men
approach the package. A crowd of residents looks on. Stan, Cartman and
Kenny watch from the front.] |
| Kyle: |
[approaching] Dude, what's going on? |
| Stan: |
We got a package from the kids we sent dollars to. They
sent us something back. |
| Hazmat man: |
[in white] Prelims show negative, sir. |
| Official: |
Then we're gonna have to blow it! |
| Two SWAT men: |
[in gray] Yes sir!! [they leave and rig the box so it
opens without much damage] |
| Tweek: |
AAHH! This is it, man! It's over! |
| Richard: |
Tweek, calm down. Have some coffee. [Tweek
looks up at Richard. The two SWAT members finish and return to the
crowd. Everyone kneels behind the barriers and then cover their heads.] |
| Official: |
Open! [one of the SWAT officers presses the remote
control and the box pops open. Inside is a goat] |
| Goat: |
Mma-a-a-a-a-a-a. [people begin to look up at the goat] |
| Stan: |
Oh, it's just a goat. [all rise] |
| People: |
Oohhh. |
| Blond Man: |
Look, it's a goat. |
| Man 1: |
Awww. |
| Brunet Man: |
A precious goat. |
| Goat: |
Ba-a-a-a-a. [Stan approaches it as soft music plays] |
| Stan: |
[now next to the goat] Hey there, little guy. |
| Official: |
[steps forward] Stay away from it! Terrorists could
have given that goat anthrax or smallpox before sending it over!
Johnson!! [another official steps forward and salutes] Check the goat
for diseases! |
| Johnson: |
Yes sir! [walks over to the goat and begins licking its
face. Stan backs away. After a few licks Johnson rises and announces]
The goat seems to be clean, sir! |
| Stan: |
I told you: those Afghan kids just wanted to give us
something back for giving them four dollars. |
| Cartman: |
Heh, four dollars for a goat? We got ripped off. |
| Official: |
Alrioght, men, this area is secure. Let's head out!
[the various services disperse and drive away in their vehicles. ] |
| Kyle: |
Well what are we supposed to do with it? |
| Goat: |
Ba-a-a-a-a. |
| Stan:: |
Yu- you're gonna have to take it home with you, Kyle. |
| Kyle: |
Dude, my mom won't even let me have a hamster. |
| Stan: |
Kenny? |
| Kenny: |
(No fuckin' way, dude!) |
| Stan: |
My parents will never let me keep a goat |
| Cartman: |
Well, I guess we're gonna have to kill it. |
| Stan: |
No, we're not gointa kill it, Cartman! We'll just have
to [removes the return address from the box] take the return address
and mail it back to the kids in Afghanistan. Come on, goat. [takes the
goat's reins and leads it away. The other boys follow] |
| Goat: |
Ba-a-a-a-a. |
| |
[Downtown
South Park, night. All building windows have flags draped behind them,
and some of the walls have flags on them as well. The post office hs
two flags on wall-mounted poles. The last postal worker closes up for
the night as the boys approach] |
| Kyle: |
Uh oh, they're closing! |
| Stan: |
Excuse me, we wanna overnight this goat to Afghanistan,
please? |
| Postman: |
Excuse me? |
| Cartman: |
It's an Afghanistan goat, so it can't stay here, or
else it'll choke on the sweet air of freedom. |
| Kyle: |
Yeah. |
| Postman: |
Afghanistan? [cautions] H-I'm sorry boys, but our
planes aren't flying there. |
| Stan: |
They're not. |
| Goat: |
Ma-a-a-a-a-a-a. |
| Postman: |
The only planes goin' to Afghanistan are the military
planes over at the base. I'm sorry. [walks away] |
| Stan: |
Well yeah! The military planes. Come on, goat, we'll
put you on one of them. [leads the goat away. The others stand there
for a second, then catch up to them] |
| Kyle: |
[calls out] Stan, I don't think we're supposed to be in
the military base. They might shoot us. |
| Stan: |
I don't care! We're going! |
| Towelie: |
[dropping in] Don't forget to bring a towel. |
| The Boys: |
Aaagh! |
| Cartman: |
Oh no, not Towelie. |
| Towelie: |
When goin' someplace new, you should always bring a
towel. |
| Stan: |
Okay, thanks, Towelie. [rolls his eyes] |
| Towelie: |
Do you wanna get high? |
| Cartman: |
[quickly] No, we don't wanna get high!! |
| Towelie: |
You mean, you don't want Towelie around? |
| Cartman: |
That's right! |
| Towelie: |
So am I to understand that there's been a ...Towelie
ban?... [snorts and starts laughing] |
| The Boys: |
[not amused. Kyle covers his eyes] Awww! |
| Stan: |
Goddamnit, get the hell out of here, Towelie! |
| Towelie: |
Alright, see ya. [walks off] |
| |
[The
military base, night. Jeeps roll in as a batallion is assembled in the
parking lot. A large cargo plane receives the vehicles and other cargo] |
| General: |
Alright, troops, we depart for Afghanistan in five
minutes! Let's move out! |
| Stan: |
[now in the base with the others] Alright, come on. We
just gotta get the goat on one of these planes. |
| Soldier 1: |
[off-screen] Isn't this exciting, Tony? [the boys hide
behind some boxes nearby] We're finally gonna see some action. |
| Tony: |
[the soldiers, in desert fatigues, appear] Yeah, and
uh, I hear that as soon as we land we get a USO show. |
| Soldier 1: |
We do! [draws close] Stevie Nicks is goin' to perform. |
| Tony: |
Hoh, Stevie Nicks. Huh, I love her! [they move on] |
| Stan: |
[peeks out] Okay, it's clear. Come on! [moves out with
the goat and the other boys. A shadow falls across them] |
| Soldier: |
[off screen] Hey you! |
| Tony: |
[aims his rifle at the boys] What the hell do you think
you're doing here?! |
| Goat: |
...Ba-a-a-a-a. |
| Tony: |
[chastened, quickly retracts the rifle] H-uh, I'm
sorry, Miss Nicks, uh. [looks around] Hey guys, this is Stevie Nicks.
[a black soldier walks up] |
| Soldier 2: |
Oh wow! |
| Goat: |
...Ma-a-a-a-a. |
| Soldier 3: |
Uh, can I get a picture |
| Soldier 4: |
Miss Nicks. Over here, Miss Nicks! [takes a picture] |
| Goat: |
...Ma-a-a-a-a. |
| Tony: |
Oh... M- Miss Nicks, I... I don't wanna bother you,
but... could you sing a quick Fleetwood Mac for us. Could ya? |
| Other Soldiers: |
Oh yeah. Please. Come on, come on. Please. Yeah. |
| Goat: |
...Ma-a-a-a-a. Ma-a-a-a-a. |
| Soldiers: |
Oh! No way! That was wild! That was great! |
| Soldier 3: |
Wait till I tell my sister about this; she is gonna
flip! |
| Stan: |
Well, uh, we've gotta get Miss Nicks on the plane to
Afghanistan, guys. |
| Tony: |
Oh, can we just get a- |
| Stan: |
[turns right and walks off] Ah, sorry. Mss Nicks isn't
answering any more questions. |
| Tony: |
Oh, sure, we understand. Move along. [the soldiers
watch the goat walk away with the boys] |
| Soldier 3: |
...She looks great |
| Tony: |
She looks great |
| |
[Cargo
plane, later. The boys walk up to the plane with the goat and prepare
to put in in the cargo hold. A side door is open, with a ramp leading
up to the hold] |
| Stan: |
'K, let's put him on here. [walks up the ramp, pushing
the goat along] |
| Goat: |
[inside the hold] Ma-a-a-a-a. |
| Stan: |
[enters and soothes the goat] Shhh. There we go. You're
gonna be okay, goat. You'll be back in Afghanistan in about 20 hours. |
| Cartman: |
[he and the other two peek in] Stan, if you're finished
having your tearful goodbye with the goat, we'd like to go now, please? |
| Pilot: |
Alright, tango clear. [lifts the ramp up and swings it
into the cargo hold...] |
| The Boys: |
Waaah! |
| Pilot: |
Let's head out. [...then closes the door and walks to
the cockpit. The boys drop into the hold] |
| Cartman: |
[turns around and wrestles with the door] Aw, son of a
bitch! |
| Kyle: |
[gets up, turns, and pounds at the door] Hey, wait!
There are children in here! |
| Kenny: |
[rises and moves a bit] (Oh, shit, we're locked in.) |
| Goat: |
[inside the hold] Ma-a-a-a-a. |
| Stan: |
Dude, looks like we're going tooh... Afghanistan. |
| Kyle: |
[steps toward Stan] Going to Afghanistan? Locked in a
small space for 20 hours? How could things get any worse? [poot.
Cartman blinks tightly and smiles] |
| Boys: |
Awww! [Kyle covers his nose, Kenny draws his hoodstring
tight] |
| Kenny: |
(Ee-hew-hoo!) |
| Cartman: |
[giggles] Uh ho, you guys. |
| |
[Afghanistan,
next day. A cargo plane has landed and the camera pans from the plane
to the runway behind it. Another cargo plane lands and rolls to a stop.
The large cargo door drops down and the soldiers file out marching] |
| General: |
Welcome to Afghanistan, troops! Get your gear ready and
report to the barracks at o-nine hundred! |
| Soldiers: |
Sir yes sir! [they
march away. The pilot comes, opens up the small side door, and pulls
down the ramp. The boys move out and go down the ramp with their
jackets over their noses] |
| Kyle: |
Oh God, it was horrible! |
| Stan: |
Twenty hours! |
| Kenny: |
(God-damn, it stinks like shit!) |
| Goat: |
Ma-a-a-a-a! [leaps out and runs off] |
| Pilot: |
What the hell? |
| Kyle: |
Cartman farted in there! We had to breath it in for 20
hours! |
| Cartman: |
It didn't smell that bad; you guys are overreacting. |
| Pilot: |
[leans in and sniffs] I don't smiell any- boh! Oh God!
[begins choking] Hohhgh! [looks away] Blagh! [convulses] Bleeaagghh
[throws up twice and passes out] |
| Cartman: |
Uh, whatever! |
| Kyle: |
You sonofabitch, Cartman! [begins to walk away, passing
Cartman] You don't fart when you're locked in a small space with other
people! [Stan passes by] |
| Cartman: |
Oh, I'm sorry! Next time I'll just ask my fart nicely
if it wouldn't mind staying tucked away for a while! |
| Stan: |
[finds the goat next to Kenny] Alright alright, let's
just get the goat back to his home! [pulls out the return address] We
have to find this address. [leads the goat off. The other boys follow] |
| Goat: |
Ma-a-a-a-a. |
| |
[A
large city in Afghanistan, day. Could be Kabul. Plenty of large
building and roads abound, but they all look rundown or beat down -
this is a city in decay. The boys walk through the city] |
| Cartman: |
God, what a craphole, dude! This is like East Denver!
Jesus Chru-heist! |
| Kyle: |
Dude, no wonder terrorists come from places like this!
If I grew up here, I'd be pissed off, too! |
| Stan: |
Hey look! There's a taxi! [horse-drawn, with small back
tires. The boys head for it, passing a street performer.] |
| Performer: |
[raises his hands] Haa-aa-aa. [the boys into the taxi's
back seat] |
| Stan: |
[to the driver] Hello. We need to go... [hands the
driver the address] here. [the driver says a few things and whips the
horse into action. The taxi moves off] |
| Cartman: |
What is this? The freakin' Flintstones? |
| |
[The home of the Afghan boys.
The taxi pulls up and drops the South Park boys off, then goes away.
The boys approach the door] |
| Kyle: |
Is this the right house? |
| Stan: |
I think so. [steps up and knocks on the door] |
| Akmarh: |
[approaches and opens the door] Shomot chizimi frushi? |
| Stan: |
A-ah, hi. We're from America. [Akmarh simply looks back]
Uh, we sent you the dollar? Uh, the four dollars? Yu, you sent us this
goat? |
| Akmarh: |
Goat? [the other Afghan boys show up behind Akmarh] |
| Goat: |
Ma-a-a-a-a. |
| Stan: |
Here. Wu-we don't want it. |
| Akmarh: |
Oh, you want something alse? All we had was the goat.
Your country bombed everything else. |
| Stan: |
No, dude, we're n- we're not ungrateful. It's just...
none of us can keep the goat |
| Cartman: |
It was choking on the sweet air of freedom in America,
so we brought it back to your crappy country. [the Afghan boys are
insulted] |
| Stan: |
Oh uh, and here. [pulls out a small flag] Take this
American flag as... a gift. [hands
it to Akmarh and backs up. Akmarh considers the gift for a few moments,
then throws it on the ground and steps back. The fat kid moves up and
pours some fuel on it, then the poor kid strikes a match and throws it
on the fuel, setting the flag on fire.] |
| Afghan Boys: |
Yaaay. [they jump up and down] |
| Kyle: |
Hey! What the hell are you doing?! |
| Stan: |
Yeah, they told us in school that everyone but
terrorists love America. |
| Fat Boy: |
Huh! [says a few more things] |
| Cartman: |
What did you call us?! |
| Akmarh: |
Your
country is the evil empire! Your government wants to rule the world!
But your values and your spirituality are in the guh-ter! |
| Kyle: |
Then why did you send us the goat? |
| Boy in Blue
Vest: |
Because, in Afghanistan, we have pride. If you send us
something, we must send something in return. |
| Akmarh: |
It doesn't mean we don't still hate you. Now, get out
of here! [the Afghan boys back up and Akmarh shuts the door] |
| Stan: |
Hey! Hey, open the door! |
| Cartman: |
I told you! Jawas have no heart. |
| Kyle: |
Jawas? |
| Cartman: |
You know, sand people. |
| Stan: |
How come they hate America so much? What the hell did we
do? |
| Goat: |
Ma-a-a-a-a. |
| Kyle: |
Well,
we tried, dude. If anyone else in this craphole hates Americans, we'd
better just leave the goat and get back to the plane! |
| Stan: |
Alright. [leads the others away. The goat follows. Stan
hears the hoofbeats and stops] Oh look, he's following us. It's so sad. |
| Cartman: |
[softly] God, I hate you so much, Stan! |
| Stan: |
What? [voices
rise in the distance: it's a group of Afghan protesters. The boys look
on. The protesters march by the boys and stop, curious about the boys
standing there. Stan greets them] Howdy. [the protesters remain
motionless] |
| Kyle: |
Um... [looks around, then slowly] Greetings from
Canada. [now with Canadian accent] Well boys, it's aboot time we get to
our hoose in Canada, isn't it? |
| Cartman: |
Ey, what the hell are you talking about?! [Stan and
Kyle look at Cartman angrily] I'm not a god-damned Canadian, and
neither are you! |
| Stan: |
[buries his face in his hand in disgust and shakes it]
Cartman, you stupid asshole! [the
crowd roars with anger and ties the four boys and the goat up. Two of
the protesters talk about what to do next. One of them ends with] |
| Protester: |
...Osama bin Laden! [the others crack up and lead the
captives away] |
| Kyle: |
God job, fatass! |
| Cartman: |
Dude, don't call me a Canadian! [the
protesters lead the captives up a mountain road. A bird in a tree
warbles an Arabic song. When the lead protester reaches the tree he
shoots the bird, and the bird falls down and away, dead. The trek
resumes] |
| |
[A
cave in Afghanistan, day. "Not where Osama bin Laden is." Guards stand
outside keeping watch. Inside, six guards interrogate the boys] |
| Stan: |
You've gotta listen to me! We're not spies! [one of the
guards says something] |
| Cartman: |
Look,
I think I can explain everything. You see, my friend Stan here is an
oversensitive animal lover. He's got a boner for this goat, a- |
| Voice: |
Amaar madmallah [the guards look up, then line up at
either side of the cave entrance. A lanky figure walks in] |
| Osama bin
Laden: |
[swaying as he walks in] Oooo, alamalamalamalaah. |
| Kyle: |
Oh crap, it's him! |
| Goat: |
Ma-a-a-a-a. |
| Osama bin
Laden: |
[pacing before the boys] Amalama hamahamahama? [draws
close to Cartman] Una HAqa mala |
| Cartman: |
[leaning away] Ogh! Dude, it's called deodorant, okay?
It's not expensive. |
| Osama bin
Laden: |
Haqaama hamahalahamahaqa. [the
guards move off and return with studio equipment - two spot lights and
television camera. The cameraman announces that they're ready to tape.
Osama sways over to his spot. The cameraman gives a signal and several
makeup artists rush in for some quick touch-ups, then leave. The
cameraman gets behind the camera and gives the signal to start talking]
U bataqataqaa maladala. Ameriqa la tabakabaka haka haqadaqadaqa [laughs]
Haqahaqa, daaqadaqa! |
| Cameraman: |
Aaaaand... cut! [Osama grins and the guards clap. Osama
takes a small bow and tosses the mic away, then walks off] |
| Stan: |
Dude, these people are insane. |
| |
[The Marsh house, night.
Sharon has resumed watching SNN on the sofa] |
| SNN reporter: |
...as
more and more case of terrorist-related AIDS continues to grow. And
this just in: the Taliban has apparently taken American civilians as
hostages. The Taliban has just released this videotape [the boys and
the goat in their chairs, flanked by two Taliban guards], in which it
is clearly visible that they have indeed captured [closeup of the goar,
with Kenny to the left] Steivie Nicks. Miss Nicks appears to be in good
spirits, though her whereabouts are unknown. |
| Randy: |
[pops in from the kitchen] Hey, Sh- Sharon? Ha- have
you seen Stan in the last couple... days? |
| Sharon: |
[raises her head a bit] Yes. I just saw him. |
| Randy: |
Oh okay. [slowly moves back into the kitchen] |
| |
[Afghanistan, day. The general
and his troops are watching the same report] |
| SNN Reporter: |
With Stevie Nicks in captivity, the other members of
Fleetwood Mac have been hidden so the Taliban can't get to them as
well. [the soldiers are crestfallen] |
| Tony: |
They... took Stevie Nicks? |
| Soldier 2: |
Bastards! Heartless, gutless bastards! |
| General: |
Alright men! Grab your guns and your Bibles! We are
going to get Miss Nicks back! |
| Soldiers: |
[cheering]Hooray!!! [some of them have their arms
raised] |
| |
[The Afghan boys' home, at
that moment] |
| SNN Reporter:: |
The Taliban's video also shows what appears to be four
American children in captivity, though they could just be French. |
| Akmarh: |
[rising] We have to help them. |
| Fat Boy: |
Do you say?? |
| Akmarh: |
They are not espies. They came to give us our goat back. |
| Boy in Blue
Vest: |
Screw them! They are evil Americans! |
| Akmarh: |
I know! But if we don't help the innocent ones, then we
are no better than the Americans are. |
| Fat Boy: |
Help the Americans? That doesn't make sense. |
| Akmarh: |
Dude, we are espeaking English right now. Does that
make sense?? |
| Boy in Blue
Vest:: |
Alright, let's go. [they pick up their rifles and exit] |
| Fat Boy: |
Ehhh lohhh nuts! |
| |
[Osama's cave, day. Inside, at
table, the Taliban guards are celebrating Osama's birthday. The guards
and Osama wear party hats] |
| Osama bin
Laden: |
Aw, jihad, jihad. [the boys look at each other for
reactions, and the alarms go off] Oh? [walks
over to his security screen and sees the Americans converging outside
the cave entrance, then runs around unsure what to do] Oh, oh! Ameriqa
haqa haqa! Dursha! Dapadapadapa! [the guards repond and give each other
orders while moving out. Osama pulls out a walkie-talkie and speaks
into it] Hulagugla hugagugahagahaa! |
| |
[Outside Osama's cave, day.
The American and Taliban forces engage each other in combat.] |
| |
[Inside Osama's cave. Osama is
still giving orders] |
| Osama bin
Laden: |
Qubada durqaana Ameriqanab! Qubada durqaana- [a grill
next to the boys rises, and the Afghan boys climb out] |
| Stan: |
Hey, what are you guys doing here? |
| Osama bin
Laden: |
-alabalabaa |
| Boy in Blue
Vest: |
Shh. We've come to save you. |
| Kyle: |
But I thought you hate us. |
| Boy in Blue
Vest: |
We do. [Osama talks away, and the boys slip out quietly
with the goat. Cartman decides not to join them, and walks towards
Osama] |
| Kyle: |
Cartman, where are you going?? |
| Cartman: |
I'm gonna go take care of this prick! |
| Kyle: |
Cartman, he's crazy! |
| Cartman: |
He's not crazy, he's an idiot. I know how to deal with
these people. [walks off] |
| Osama bin
Laden: |
.A flippity flappity floop! Jihad jihad! |
| Cartman: |
Mehah... [bites on some food] What's up, bin Laden? |
| Osama bin
Laden: |
Arrrrrrrrrrrubadubaduba! Durbadurba haq! |
| Cartman: |
Uh oh, 5:30, time to pray. [quickly rushes for a prayer
rug and rolls it out, then kneels and bows deeply a few times.] Allah,
Allah, m'heh |
| Osama bin
Laden: |
Taba haqa?? [goes for his prayer rug and does as
Cartman does] Allah allah allah, allah hakadurrpa durpa adurpa hagalah
[Cartman
brings out a huge mallet and smashes it on Osama's head. Osama's head
rings like a bell, then he looks at Cartman and aims his rifle at him] |
| Cartman: |
Uh oh! Mmm-mm! [kisses Osama and tumbles away] |
| |
[Outside
Osama's cave, day. The American and Taliban forces are still fighting.
The seven kids and the goat emerge from the cave] |
| Akmarh: |
We will have to be quick! The Americans are attacking! |
| Kyle: |
Where do we go? [they look around] |
| Akmarh: |
Get down! [all
boys hit the floor and hide their faces. A bomb blows up in front of
them. When the smoke clears, Kenny and the poor Afghan boy are both
dead, both riddled with bullets] |
| Boy in Blue
Vest: |
Oh Allah, Qosaiqe bono! |
| Akmarh: |
Tol dayus! [Stan and Kyle look at each other. Akmarh
gets his rifle and fires away at American helicopters] You... murdering
Americaaans!! |
| Stan: |
Hey, shut up, kid. America didn't start this war. |
| Akmarh: |
America DID eh-start this war! They eh-started it YEARS
ago, when they put their military bases on Muslim holy lands! |
| |
[A
forest near the cave, at that moment. Osama bin Laden slinks around
looking for Cartman. He stops next to a small bush. As bin Laden looks
around the bush skittles away, then stops. Bin Laden sees the bush has
moved and growls at it, aims his rifle, and walks up to it - four
steps. The bush moves again, then stops. Bin Laden catches up in three
steps. The bush moves again, then bin Laden tales a step forward. The
bush moves again, then bin Laden tales another step forward. The bush
leaps and bin Laden holds it in mid-air as Cartman drops to the ground.
We get a view of the gun on Cartman's face from Cartman's perspective] |
| Osama bin
Laden: |
[tossing the bush away] Ramadan! |
| Cartman: |
Hey look! An infidel! [bin Laden quickly turns around] |
| Osama bin
Laden: |
Wuut? Peitoqaba! [Cartman
gets up and pulls bin Laden's pants down. Osama looks stunned. A
magnifying glass pops up over bin Laden's genitals, then another, then
another... nine in all, and the penis is finally visible. A sign pops
up... "Tiny, ain't it?" A few seconds later the sign and magnifiers go
down and Osama pulls his pants up] |
| Cartman: |
So that's what this is all about? |
| Osama bin
Laden: |
Ishta fatwa open sesame! |
| Cartman: |
[climbs up bin Laden and kisses him] Mmmm! Tastes like
chicken. The ass of a chicken! |
| Osama bin
Laden: |
Proila foqabam! |
| Cartman: |
Woohoo! [zips away, leaving a dust cloud front of bin
Laden. Bin Laden gives chase, leaving his own dust cloud.] |
| |
[Outside Osama's cave, day.
The fighting continues. Amid the fighting, the general crosses the
battlefield.] |
| General: |
We're coming, Miss Nicks! Hang on! |
| Goat: |
Ma-a-a-a! Ma-a-a-a! |
| |
[Outside
Osama's cave, day. The South Park boys line up opposite the Afghan
boys. Stan faces Akmarh, Kyle faces the boy in blue vest.] |
| Kyle: |
All right, I've had just about enough of this! They
told us in school, and on TV, that most people in Pakistan and
Afghanistan like America. |
| Boy in Blue
Vest: |
And you believe it? It is not just the Taliban that
hates America. Over a third of the world hates America! |
| Stan: |
But why? Why does a third of the world hate us? |
| Boy in Blue
Vest: |
Because, you don't realize that a third of the world
hates you!!! |
| Stan:: |
[considers the argument...] ...That doesn't make sense.
You guys are just buttholes! |
| Akmarh: |
You're butt-holes! |
| Stan, Kyle: |
You're buttholes! |
| |
[Outside Osama's cave, day.
Osama and Cartman are now out in the open desert. Osama resumes
slinking around] |
| Female voice: |
Youhoo. |
| |
[it's
Cartman seated on a camel, dressed in a purple chador. Bin laden takes
one look and he goes nuts over what he sees. His eyes bug out as he
goes horizontal ] |
| Cartman: |
Haduqaduqaduqa. [Osama's tongue has rolled out to the
floor. He tugs it and it rolls up like a classroom projection screen]
Huqadukadukadukaduuu. [Osama
whistles and then lustily howls like a wolf as he stomps his foot down
on the ground. Cartman hops off the camel, walks some distance, and
bats his eyes at bin Laden. Osama takes big steps towrads Cartman, and
the camera alternates between the two. Bin Laden stops short of
Cartman... and leaps over him, landing on the camel's neck. Bin Laden
starts kissing the camel all over, and Cartman removes his veil, looks
at bin Laden, then looks at the camera] |
| Osama bin
Laden: |
[on bended knee] Oh bella, bella falafel. [brings out a
bouquet of flowers]
Mi amore. Fatwa, fatwa. [Cartman
holds up a sign with a screw and a baseball on it, then puts it away.
Bin Laden hops away, then returns with a table, two chairs, two glasses
and some wine, and sets up a table for two. He sets the camel down on
one chair and sits on the other one opposite the camel. He then serves
up some glasses of wine]
Ahh, de vino! Mi fatwa! J'ai une fatwa! [Cartman
holds up four other signs: a jack and donkey, a pile of feces and a
bald head, a rooster and lollipop, and Barbra Streisand] |
| |
[Outside
Osama's cave, day. The boys have moved away from the cave entrance, and
the fat Afghan boy has rejoined them. Beyond them the two forces
continue fighting] |
| Kyle: |
Do you really think your civilization is better than
ours?! You people play games by killing animals, and oppress women! |
| Boy in Blue
Vest: |
It's better than a civilization that spends its time
watching millionaires walk down the red carpet at the Emmys! |
| Stan: |
...He's got us there, dude. [pan out to see more
fighting] |
| Tony: |
[finds the goat and picks it up] I got her. I got
Stevie Nicks. [carries it away. The Americans retreat, but continue
firing away] |
| Goat: |
Me-e-e-eh. |
| |
[Nearby... Osama's grinning
widely at the camel. Cartman walks up in a different costume - that of
the fussy movie director.] |
| Cartman: |
There you are! Where have you been? We have another
anti-American video to create! [hauls bin Laden away.] |
| Osama bin
Laden: |
Oh, dapidiuta ako. [Bin laden manages a wave good-bye
at the camel.] |
| Cartman: |
Hur-ry, get into wardrobe! [bin Laden goes behind the
walll and changes clothes. Cartman taps his foot impatiently] Oh hur-ry
up, will you hur-ry?! [bin Laden comes out dressed as Uncle Sam] Oh,
you look marvelous, dahling. |
| Osama bin
Laden: |
Haqa hamahama. |
| Cartman: |
Come on! The cameras are ready! [pulls bin Laden to his
mark. Behind them, eight Taliban soldiers fire away at the Americans]
Alright, there we go. Let's roll cameras. [walks off and returns with a
director's megaphone and a firecracker] Oh, and here's your microphone.
[hands Osama the firecracker] |
| Osama bin
Laden: |
[the Taliban soldiers see Uncle Sam and approach him]
Ogh. America adirqadirqa- [looks
around. The soldiers fire away at him. Bin Laden staggers, then looks
at the object in his hand. Other Taliban soldiers rush in to see, and
they all recognize whom they just shot.] Uh ohhh. |
| Osama and the
Taliban Soldiers: |
HAAAAAAGH! [the
firecracker explodes, killing all the soldiers around it. Only Osama is
left there at the point of impact, sitting on the ground, with his
teeth dangling like piano keys. They play a few notes] |
| General: |
We've done it! The Taliban is destroyed! |
| Soldiers: |
Hoorayyy!! |
| Kyle: |
Wow! I guess Cartman really did take care of them. |
| Osama bin
Laden: |
[flaps his lips with his finger, making some noise]
Terrorists is the craziest peoples. Eheeee! [shows his teeth. An
American soldier walks up behind bin Laden and dispatches him with one
last shot] |
| Soldier: |
I got him! I got him! |
| Boy in Blue
Vest: |
Well, it looks like the Taliban and bin Laden are
finally out of power. |
| Akmarh: |
Yeup, you don't need us anymore. [they turn and walk
away] |
| Stan: |
Hey, wait a minute. You know, you guys should know one
thing. [the Afghan boys turn around]
Most people in America are good people. We just try to live day by day,
like you guys do. Maybe if you took some time to see all the great
things about our country, you'd see... we're not so different after all. |
| Kyle: |
Yeah. |
| Boy in Blue
Vest: |
That's fine. But we still hate you. [the Afghan boys
turn and walk away again] |
| Stan: |
Oh... Well, I guess, maybe, someday, we can learn to...
hate you too. |
| Akmarh: |
[the Afghan boys look agian] Maybe. In time. [they turn
once again and walk off] |
| Kyle: |
I'm confused. |
| |
[USO
concert. The stage is set amid the pup tents and soldiers clamor around
in the audience. "VICTORY!" The general takes the stage] |
| General: |
Great job, troops! Once again we have killed our
enemies! |
| Soldier 5: |
[cheering] Hooray! |
| Soldier 6: |
Hooray! Yeah, we sure did! |
| General: |
The world is now safe, thanks to you. And so now, as
promised, here is Fleetwood Mac with Stevie Nicks! |
| Soldiers: |
Whoa. Yeah. [the goat, dressed to look like Stevie
Nicks, approaches the mic.] |
| Fleetwood Mac: |
Just like the wild winged bird sings a song-
Stand back, she's singin'. |
| Goat: |
Maaa |
| Fleetwood Mac: |
Baby |
| Goat: |
Maaa |
| Fleetwood Mac: |
Babe |
| Goat: |
Maa-ha [the concert continues. The three boys watch the
performance.] |
| Stan: |
Come on, let's go gat to the plane. [turns
left and walks away. The others follow. On the way there, Stan sees a
flag on the ground and approaches it. He goes down on one knee, picks
up the little flag, blows the dust off it, sets it into the ground,
takes off his jacket, and wraps it around the base of the flag ] |
| Kyle: |
[approaching with Cartman] Dude! I almost thought those
Afghani kids talked you into not liking America. |
| Stan: |
No,
dude. America may have some problems, but it's our home. Our team. And
if you don't wanna root for your team, then you should get the hell out
of the stadium. |
| Kyle: |
Yeah. |
| Stan: |
[rises, steps back, and salutes] Go America. |
| Kyle: |
[salutes] Go America. [lowers his right arm] Go
Broncos. [moves off] |
| Stan: |
[follows] Yeah, go Broncos. |
| Cartman: |
Yeah. [follows the other two out] |
| |
[End of Osama Bin Laden Has
Farty Pants.] |
