| |
[Commercial] |
| Announcer: |
Today on the Maury Povich show, these poor unfortunate
people [a shot of one dwarf walking, then of another being interviewed
by Maury] all have horrible disfigurements, [a shot of a man with
elephantitis getting some popcorn, then going down an escalator] and
you won't believe how we exploit them for your amusement! [Maury
interviews a flatheaded man, a blond with stumps for arms wrestles with
a brush in the shower] |
| |
[Stan's house, living room.
He, Kyle, and Cartman watch television from the sofa] |
| Stan: |
Hm, that sounds pretty good. |
| "Kenny": |
[walks in] (Hey guys. What's going on here?) |
| Stan: |
Hey Kenny! [the three boys grin] |
| "Kenny": |
(Gosh darn it, my name's not Kenny!) |
| Cartman: |
That's awesome, Kenny. ["Kenny" removes his hood, and
it's Butters] |
| Butters: |
Eh now gosh darnit, fellas, my name's not Kenny!
Kenny's dead. |
| Kyle: |
Okay, Not-Kenny. |
| Butters: |
And I'm not gonna wear this coat anymore, neither!
[takes off the coat and tosses it away] I should be able to be you
guys' friend without wearin' Kenny's old coat! |
| Stan: |
Sh be quite, Not-Kenny, the Maury Povish freak show is
on. |
| Butters: |
Oh, all right, then. [takes a seat on the sofa between
Kyle and Cartman] |
| |
[Maury Povich show] |
| Maury: |
Our next guest is a little girl who was born without a
midsection. Please welcome Damla Jones |
| Damla: |
[a blonde] Hello, Maury. [walks
out. She has spindly legs, but no chest, abdomen or back. Think Mike
Wazowski of "Monsters Inc." The boys are suitably disgusted] |
| |
[cut to Cartman and the boys] |
| Cartman: |
Aww, sick dude! |
| |
[cut to show] |
| Maury: |
[Damla climbs onto the guest chair] You're a very brave
little girl, and I'm very proud of you. |
| Damla: |
[voice quivering] Thank you |
| Maury: |
[leans forward] Can you tell the audience how miseable
your life is? |
| Damla: |
Uh-uh, yes. It is. |
| Maury: |
[giggles] You're a cutey. Do the other kids at school
sometimes make fun of you? |
| Damla: |
Sometimes. |
| Maury: |
[puts his left hand on her forehead] Do people
sometimes stare at you? |
| Damla: |
Sometimes |
| Maury: |
[sits on the ground in front of her] Do they go, "Oh,
gross. What the hell is that thing"? |
| Damla: |
Mmm-I don't know. [looks away and down] |
| Maury: |
Well your mommy told us you like to listen to music. |
| Damla: |
Yes. |
| Maury: |
Well guess what, Damla. We're gonna give you a three
hundred dollar gift certificate to CD World in Torrance! [the studio
audience applauds, music starts up to lead to commercial]
All right, everyone. Stay tuned, because next we're gonna meet a woman
who head was smashed in on a locker! And we're gonna giver her a
makeover! |
| |
[cut to sofa] |
| Kyle: |
This
is terrible, dude! Maury Povich parades these poor people around on his
show like carnival freaks! And then gives them prizes at the end after
they joked about it. What a dick! |
| |
[cut to show] |
| Announcer: |
Do
you or someone you know have a disfigurement or disability that we can
exploit on the Maury Povish show? If so, call 1-555-HEY MAURY! |
| |
[cut to sofa] |
| Stan: |
Dude! One of us should make up some disease and get on
the Maury Povich show so we can win a prize! |
| Kyle: |
Cool! |
| Cartman: |
Oh YES!! [gets off the sofa and heads for the phone] |
| Butters: |
Oh, that'd be awesome! [Cartman dials the number] |
| Kyle: |
[he and the other two follow Cartman] Do you think
they'll believe it? |
| Stan: |
What disease should we say? |
| Cartman: |
Shhh. Be quite, you guys! [talks to someone on the
phone] Hello, is this Maury Povish? [beat] Oh, well who the hell are
you? [beat] Oh. Well I'm calling about your ad for freaks? [Stan grins,
Kyle stifles a laugh] Ye-right, people with disabilities? [beat] Yeah,
I have a friend; he has a deformity; I think he'd be perfect for your
show. [beat] Great! [beat] Hih-his condition? [beat] Uh, he has a
condition called "chinballalitis." [beat] Yeah, his balls actually hang
from his chin. [Stna stilfes a laugh and closes his eyes, then Butters
stifles a laugh. All of them giggle. Cartman tells the others] Shut uh-
shut up you guys. [beat, then on the phone] Yes. [beat] Yes, of course
he's very upset about it. [beat] Yes, he cries all the time. [beat]
Miserable, uh huh. [beat] You wha- Really? |
| Stan: |
[drops his hands] What? [the others follow] |
| Cartman: |
Dude, they say they'll fly him out day after tomorrow! |
| Kyle: |
Awesome! |
| Butters: |
Cool! |
| Cartman: |
Uh yes, I'm sure I can convince him to come on the
show. [trying to be subtle] There will of course be a prize involved?
[beat] Great. I'll call you back in an hour. [gladly] No, thank you.
[hangs up] YES! |
| Stan: |
This is gonna be so funny! |
| Butters: |
Uh, it sure is! |
| Kyle: |
But how are we gonna get the balls put on Butters' chin? |
| Butters: |
Hah yeah, how are we go-? Wait... Butters' chin? |
| Kyle: |
Yeah. |
| Butters: |
Uh, but that's me. I'm Butters. |
| Stan: |
We know. You're the one doing it, Butters. Who'd you
think we were talkin' about? |
| Butters: |
We-ell hold on a second, you guys. |
| Cartman: |
[hops off the chair] Hey, I
know how we get the balls on Butter's chin. Those Star Trek dorks down
the street! They're always making crasy masks and special effects for
their dumb movies. |
| Butters: |
Hang on now. |
| Kyle: |
Yeah. I bet they could make a fake set of balls. Come
on, Butters! |
| Butters: |
Wait! W-why does it have to be me?? |
| Stan: |
It has to be you, Butters. Think about it. |
| Cartman: |
Yeah. |
| Butters: |
But fellas, if I go on Maury Povish, with- with my
balls on my chin, my parents are gonna get really mad. |
| Kyle: |
We'll just tell your parents we're going on a camping
trip with my parents. They'll never know. |
| Butters: |
I'm sorry, but the answer is un uh, uh uh, uh uh.
[crosses his arms and looks away] |
| Stan: |
[looks away and up] Kenny woulda done it. [Butters
reacts] |
| Butters: |
...So? I told you guys before: [with emphasis] I'm not
Kenny. |
| Kyle: |
We know. Believe me, we know. We're reminded every day
that you're not Kenny because Kenny... was cool. |
| Cartman: |
Yeah. God, I wish Kenny was still alive. He'd put balls
on his chin. He was such an awesome friend. |
| Stan: |
[begins to walk and lead the others away] Well, come on
guys. If Butters won't even put his balls on his chin for us, I guess
we know where we stand. [Butters now looks chastened] |
| Cartman: |
Yeah. |
| Butters: |
Aw, gee whiz, yih, yo, you promise my mom and dad won't
find out? |
| |
[The Trekkers' place down the
street, next day. The two Trekkers work on Butters] |
| Brunet Trekker: |
Now, we're going to apply the latex with some spearmint
gum. |
| Butters: |
Hey that spearmint gum sure is stinky. |
| Stan: |
Where's you get the balls from? |
| Brunet Trekker: |
We made a plastic mold of his chin, and then made a
latex scrotum and put two golf balls inside. |
| Cartman: |
Nice. |
| Blond Trekker: |
Now we just blend the skin tones, add a little hair,
[spins the chair around] and presto! [shows Butters' new look to the
boys. Butters indeed sports a fake scrotum] |
| Stan: |
Wow! |
| Kyle: |
That looks awesome! |
| Butters: |
Aw, I feel silly. |
| Cartman: |
They look great on you, Butters. They really do. |
| Blond Trekker: |
I believe you owe us payment now? [Stan and Kyle look
at each other] |
| Stan: |
All right, the original AVID cut of Star Wars: Episode I |
| Brunet Trekker: |
Wooww! |
| Blond Trekker: |
They weren't lying! |
| |
[The Trekkers' place. The boys
leave the room] |
| Kyle: |
[softly] Why the hell would they want that anyway?
[drops to a whisper] Episode I sucked balls. |
| Cartman: |
Yeah, it sucked Hairy Butters' chin balls. [the
Trekkers begin to fight over it the tape. Butters checks his new balls
self-consciously] |
| Blond Trekker: |
Here, damnit! |
| Brunet Trekker: |
Hey, hey! Stop it, man! |
| |
[Denver Airport, next day] |
| Announcer: |
Gay Air Flight 243 with service to New York now ready
for general boarding. |
| Stan: |
That's your flight, Butters. |
| Cartman: |
Okay, here's your ticket [hands it to Butters] and
they're gonna have a car waiting for you at the gate in New York.
[pushes him forward] |
| Butters: |
Uh wait. [stops] You guys aren't comin' with me? |
| Stan: |
Hell no, dude. Then we couldn't watch you on TV. |
| Butters: |
[backs up into the lineup] Ho-old on a minute, guys,
I've changed my mind. I don't wanna go. |
| Cartman: |
God, isn't Butters awesome for doing this, you guys? |
| Kyle: |
Yeah, he sure is. |
| Stan: |
Doing all this to bring us back a prize. What a great
friend! [pause] |
| Cartman: |
Buh-ters! Buh-ters! |
| Butters: |
[hesitant] Uhhh all right, then. See you guys tomorrow.
[heads for the gate, then turns around. The boys wave at him. Butters
looks down, then walks into the plane.] |
| |
[New York, TV Studio, day] |
| Stagehand: |
Thanks
for coming on the show, kid. Maury is very excited to meet you. And
this is the Green Room where you can hang out with the other guests
until we call for you on set. Boy with Balls on Chin, meet Man with
Foot on Head, Girl with Rapid Aging Disease, Disfigured Country Singer,
and Man With No Face. |
| Butters: |
Wow! Scooped-out face guy! Ah-ah-I've seen you on TV
before. |
| Man With No
Face: |
[goes for some water] Yes, this is my sixth appearance.
[drinks] |
| Stagehand: |
I'll come back in a bit, folks. [leaves] |
| Man with Foot
on Head: |
Hey Roger! [the stagehand stops] What the hell is with
these horrible veggie platters?! |
| Disfigured
Country Singer: |
Yeah, we told you last time we want fresher vegetables. |
| Roger: |
I'm sorry, this is what the studio provides. Just take
a kid on the couch, kid. I'll be back in a minute. [Butters looks at
the others, then makes his way to a spot on the couch and sits down. A
long silence follows] |
| Disfigured
Country Singer: |
...Boy with balls on his chin. Haven't seen you around.
How long have you been on the circuit? |
| Butters: |
What circuit? |
| Man with Foot
on Head: |
The talk-show circuit. Don't tell us this is your first
one. |
| Butters: |
Uh well, yeah. You've all done it more than once? |
| Man With No
Face: |
Oprah two times, Jenny Jones once, Sally Jessie five
times. |
| Disfigured
Country Singer: |
[looks at the man with no face] You've only done Jenny
once? |
| Man with Foot
on Head: |
Oh, ah I hate doing the Jenny Jones show. They don't
even have their own hair people. |
| Man With No
Limbs: |
I'm doing Jenny tomorrow. |
| Disfigured
Country Singer: |
Yeah,
you picked a good show to do first, kid, but you need to learn the
ropes. There are a lot of people like you all over the country, and we
all do talk shows for a living. |
| Man with Foot
on Head: |
We all know each other and we kinda stick together to
make sure our industry is protected |
| Man With No
Face: |
Yeah. Like when someone LIES about being a freak. |
| Butters: |
[trembling] Oh they, they do, huh? |
| Disfigured
Country Singer: |
Yeah, they'll make up a fake condition to go on these
shows and then take our money away! |
| Man With No
Limbs: |
We don't take kindly to that. |
| Butters: |
Well I can certainly see why. |
| Man With No
Limbs: |
It's okay. Folks don't do it anymore. Not after what
they saw what we did to Lobster Boy. |
| Butters: |
Lobster Boy? |
| Man with Foot
on Head: |
Yeah, loh-, Lobster Boy used to make appearances on all
the talk shows. He was one of the most popular disfigured peoiple on TV. |
| Disfigured
Country Singer: |
But then we all found out that Lobster Boy wasn't a
real freak at all. He was just an actual lobster. |
| Man With No
Limbs: |
[grousing] Lying sack of crap. |
| Man with Foot
on Head: |
So you know what we did to him? |
| Butters: |
What? |
| Man with Foot
on Head: |
One night all us freaks got together, and we... boiled
him alive. [Butters stares, then an image of a lobster in a boiling pot
appears, then vanishes] |
| Disfigured
Country Singer: |
Now Lobster Boy is no more. |
| Butters: |
Oh. Yeah. I I hate when people fake conditions, too.
Those stupid fakers. |
| Man with Foot
on Head: |
We're glad you agree. |
| Stagehand: |
Okay, Boy with balls on his chin, you're up next. |
| Butters: |
[hops off the couch and heads for the door.] Oh, Jesus,
see me through this. |
| |
[Maury Povich Show promo] |
| Announcer: |
Next on the Maury Povich show: we bring back some of
our favorite disfigured people [four
scenes: first, the man with the foot on his head is talking to the girl
with rapid aging disease and disfigured country singer, then the
disfigured country singer is shown eating a subway sub, then the man
with no face shows his disfigurement, and finally Butters' shadow is
shown in profile] and introduce you to some new ones |
| |
[Stan's living room. The boys
watch TV.] |
| Stan: |
Here he comes. |
| Kyle: |
This is gonna be awesome! |
| |
[Maury Povich Show, new
segment] |
| Maury: |
Our next guest suffers from a rare birth defect which
caused his testicles and scrotum to grow from his chin. |
| Cartman: |
Testicles and scrotum! [laughs gleefully] |
| Maury: |
Please welcome eight-and-a-half-year old Napoleon
Bonaparte from South Park Colorado. [Butters looks out timidly at the
audience from behind the curtain, then heads for the guest chair.]
Thanks so much for coming on our show. |
| Butters: |
Huh, that's okay, I, I s'pose. |
| Maury: |
So, is it tough being ...different? |
| Butters: |
Uhhh, yeah. |
| Maury: |
And do all the kids at school make fun of you? |
| Butters: |
[forgetting why he's supposedly made of]
They sure do. They always say to me, "Butters, you're not Kenny." But I
never said I was Kenny. They say Kenny would do this and Kenny would do
that- |
| Cartman: |
Uh oh, we're losin' him. |
| Butters: |
I'm tired of it. You hear me, fellas?! Kenny's dead and
you'll just have tuh deal with it. |
| Maury: |
Uh, yeah, but I mean, do the kids make fun of you
because of your condition? |
| Butters: |
Uh what condition? |
| Maury: |
[terse] You have balls that hang off your chin. |
| Butters: |
I do?? Uh. Oh. I, I mean, yeah-ah I do. Uh. Yeah, the
kids at school make fun of me for that. |
| Stan, Kyle: |
Phew. |
| Cartman: |
Oh, that was close. |
| Maury: |
What names do they call you at school? |
| Butters: |
Aaahhh
well, aaahmm, ...I guess they call me uh, Chinball Boy, and uh,
Ballchin Boy, nnnd when I, when I'm walkin' they'll say, "Hey, there
goes Chinballs!" [Stan and Kyle grin, Cartman laughs hard] |
| Maury: |
And do they call you "freak" and and "weirdo"? |
| Butters: |
Well yeah, I s'psoe |
| Maury: |
[sits on the floor and draws closer]
Do they point at you and laugh? Do they make you wish you'd never been
born? Make you wish to put an end to the whole... miserable wretched
earth? |
| Butters: |
Uh, sure. |
| Maury: |
Well Napoleon, we have a surprise for you. |
| Stan, Kyle: |
Wait, here it is, here it is! |
| Cartman: |
The present. |
| Maury: |
Because
you're such a brave little chinballed man, we're gonna send you
directly from this studio to the world's largest putt-putt golf course
in the world! |
| Butters: |
Oh really? |
| Kyle: |
Wow! |
| Cartman: |
Did he say "the... largest putt-putt golf course in the
world"? |
| Maury: |
Go on, you're going right now!! [Butters hops off and
walks away happily] |
| Stan: |
But, that's not fair! That means Butters gets to go and
we don't! |
| Kyle: |
Yeah! We thought of the whole thing! |
| Cartman: |
Euh! Once again Butters is tryin' to screw us over!
That asshole! |
| |
[Cartman's room, later that
day. Cartman is on the phone] |
| Cartman: |
Hello, is this the Maury Povich show? [beat] Yes, I'm
calling because I saw your television program, and I also have balls
hanging from my chin. [strokes his "balls"] I'd like to come in and
talk about my disorder and perhaps get a free trip to the largest
putt-putt golf course in the world? |
| Operator: |
[just painted the fingermails on her right hand and is
having them dry] I'm sorry, but we're done doing freak shows for now.
We're looking for people for a new topic. |
| Cartman: |
What's the new topic? |
| Operator: |
Please help my out-of-control child. |
| Cartman: |
Oh. Hey, I'm out of control! |
| Operator: |
Really? [pulls out a notepad and starts taking notes]
Is your mother in tears every day over how disobedient you are? |
| Cartman: |
Uh, sure! |
| Operator: |
Does she worry about you doing drugs and having sex at
such a young age? |
| Cartman: |
Ehyeah, sure. Ah I do crack and pot pourri, and queazies |
| Operator: |
Well that's great! If you can get your mom to come in
with you, we'd love to fly you out. |
| Cartman: |
[stunned] ...my, my mom? |
| |
[Cartman's
home, kitchen. His mom is humming and preparing gingerbread men for
baking. Cartman enters with his hands clasped behind his back] |
| Cartman: |
Mmoooomm? |
| Liane: |
Yes, sweetie? |
| Cartman: |
Could yo do me a favor? |
| Liane: |
What's that, my little man? |
| Cartman: |
Could
you um... go on the Maury Povich show with me and say that I'm out of
control and do drugs and have sex so that I can go to the largest
putt-putt gold course in the wwoooorrlldd? |
| Liane: |
Hmmm. but you're not out of control, muffin. You're my
perfect little gum drop. |
| Cartman: |
I'm just asking you to lie for me. You love me, don't
you? |
| Liane: |
Orf course I do. |
| Cartman: |
Oh, I have such a pretty mother. Such a wonderful
mother. |
| Liane: |
Sweetie, don't. |
| Cartman: |
Then it's settled. Oh, I have such a great mother.
[turns around and walks out] Such a beautiful mother. |
| |
[Butters'
house. He's back from New York and his parents have apparently heard
about the show. Chris has his arms folded in front of him] |
| Linda: |
Just
what did you think you were doing, Butters? Not only did you lie to us
and say you were on a camping trip with Kyle's family, you made a fool
of yourself AND us on national television! |
| Butters: |
[still wearing his balls, looking hurt] Oh I'm sorry,
mom. |
| Chris: |
Well, sorry isn't gonna make it this time, mister! You
know, your grandmother saw the show and had a mild stroke! |
| Butters: |
Aw jeez, ah I didn't mean to almost kill Grandma. I
promise I'll never go on TV with balls on my chin again. |
| Chris: |
Ugh! You'd better believe you won't, buster! |
| Linda: |
Your father and I have to leave now to visit Grandma in
the hospital, but you can just take those balls off your chin and march
right up to your room! |
| Butters: |
[with voice trembling, turns around] Yes ma'am.
[removes his balls] |
| |
[Butters' room. He's pacing
the floor mad at himself] |
| Butters: |
Serves
me right! Puttin' balls on my chin and lyin' about it. Why I, I should
be grounded for a month! Why do I do these things? Why can't I behave
myself? [his phone rings. Butters goes for the receiver] |
| Stan: |
[on the other end] Hey Butters, those other freak
people from the show were just over here looking for you? |
| Butters: |
Oh Jesus! They were?? |
| Stan: |
Yeah, they wanted to find you bad. |
| Butters: |
Well Oh, God! W-whatdya tell him? |
| Stan: |
I- told them where to find you. |
| Butters: |
What?? W-why the heck would you do that. Wuh they wanna
kill me for not bein' a real freak! |
| Stan: |
Oh. Well, serves you right for screwing us over. [hangs
up. Butters looks helpless, then walks to the window to see if the
freaks are coming. They are indeed] |
| Butters: |
Oh Jesus no. [hops off his dresser and walks away from
the window] They've come to boil me alive! Uh just like Lobster Boy!
Ah, I've gotta get outta here! [reaches his bedroom door, but turns
around] Wait! I can't go anywhere. I'm grounded. Oh Christ, what a
pickle! [the doorbell rings.] |
| |
[Butters' house, out front. A
scream is heard and the freaks look around] |
| Man with Foot
on Head: |
Napoleon? [the disfigured country singer goes for the
knob and opens the door.] |
| Disfigured
Country Singer: |
Napoleon Bonaparte? [leads the other freaks in. Butters
quickly prepares his false scrotum...] I think he's up here. [opens the
door, and Butters grins back at them with one hand on the dresser and a
suave pose. His balls are back in place] |
| Butters: |
Oh, hello, folks. Uh what's the problem? |
| Disfigured
Country Singer: |
There you are, Boy With Balls On His Chin. |
| Man with Foot
on Head: |
We've got big news! The union is striking. |
| Butters: |
[relaxes] The union? Oh, that's why you came? |
| Disfigured
Country Singer: |
We're tired of our crappy prizes! So the union
president, Man with Terrible Skin Condition, has told us to round
everyone up. |
| Butters: |
Uh uh I can't freak strike, fellas. Ah-, I'm grounded. |
| Man with Foot
on Head: |
Grounded for what? |
| Butters: |
For havin' balls on my- AH! Ah, I mean, nothin'.
[strikes the pose again] Ah I'm not grounded. |
| Man With No
Face: |
Good, then you can march with us. Freaks of the world, |
| The Freaks: |
Unite! [Butters looks at them] |
| |
[Maury Povich show] |
| Announcer: |
Today on Maury Povich: These moms [three are shown.
Only Liane grins] don't know what to do with their out-of-control kids!
[a fat blonde girl is shown, then Cartman's school picture] Young boys
and girls so whorish on our show that it borders on child pornography! |
| Maury: |
[on his stool] We're here talking with moms who think
their children are out of control. [the woman next to him blows her
nose] Vanessa here says that her thirteen-year-old daughter Vanity is
already doing drugs and having sex with older men [Vanessa begins to
bawl] |
| Studio
Audience: |
Ooohhhhhhhh |
| Maury: |
Vanessa, what does Vanity say to you when you tell her
toooo... do her homework. |
| Vanessa: |
[sobbing] She says she hates me. She, she calls me
"retard"? And, she says my cooch is all dried up and nobody wants it.
[sobs some more] |
| Studio
Audience: |
Aawwwwww. [music starts up] |
| Maury: |
Well, let's bring her out. Here's Vanity! [she steps
out and the awws turn into boos] |
| Vanity: |
Wha'evah, wha'evah! You fuckin' cocksuckers don't know
shit! Fuck you! [moosn
the audience, and an OOPS! bubble appears over the area. Vanity then
walks up to her mom and slaps her hard across the face. Vanessa winces
in pain] |
| Maury: |
Wow, Vanity, you are really an out of control teen. |
| Some audience
members: |
Yeah! [the rest cheer, then a chant rises from the din]
Maury! Maury! |
| Vanity: |
Wha'evah!
Maury, my mom don't know shit! You could aks her! I aks her all my
homies that they be down wit it. You know, it's all good shit. [the
audience boos and she holds up her middle fingers, which are blurred]
Fuck you, cocksuckuhs! |
| |
[Green room. Cartman and his
mom watch the show in there.] |
| Cartman: |
Jeez, that girl is pissed off. |
| Stagehand: |
[enters] Okay, Cartman family, you're on in two
minutes. [leaves] |
| |
[On stage.] |
| Vanessa: |
[weeping] Why can't you just listen to me and love me
[Vanity slaps her] Ow! |
| Vanity: |
Shu' up! Shut the fuck [slap] up, you God-aweful skank!
[slap. Vanessa weeps again] |
| |
[Green room. Cartman and his
mom watch the show in there.] |
| Liane: |
I'm glad you're not that bad, poopsie-kins |
| Cartman: |
[under his breath] But if I'm not the most
out-of-control teen, I might not win the prize. [leaves the room and
finds the stagehand] Excuse me, I wanna make a quick change. Where's
wardrobe? |
| Stagehand: |
Second door on the right. |
| |
[Outside the building, the
freaks have gathered and are now on strike - "FREAK OUT 2K2"] |
| The Freaks: |
Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! |
| Man with
Terrible Skin Condition: |
Brothers
and sisters, the time has come for us to be treated with the respect we
deserve! We are a strong and diverse group of people, with members like
[shown] Woman with Crablike Body, [shown] Incredibly Obese Black
Person, [shown] Man with Brains Outside of Head, and [shown] Liza
Minelli. The talk shows have us on and give us little gifts and perks
while they make tens of thousands of dollars. |
| The Freaks: |
Yeah! |
| Man with
Terrible Skin Condition: |
We told the talk shows our demands, and they laughed!
They say they can get plenty of other stupid guests to go on their
shows! So we must picket those other guests! |
| The Freaks: |
Yeah! |
| Butters: |
Well, gush, ah, I need to go. I can't picket, guys. |
| Hammerhead Man: |
You're not gonna picket? |
| Man with
Terrible Skin Condition: |
Who's not gonna picket? [the crown parts and all hands
point to Butters] |
| Disfigured
Country Singer: |
Boy with Balls on Chin doesn't wanna picket. [lowers
his left arm] |
| Butters: |
Well it's jsut that my parents are... I can't picket! |
| Man with No
Limbs: |
[emerges from the crowd] Why? You're not a SCAB, are
you? |
| Butters: |
NO I I'm not a scab. |
| Man with
Terrible Skin Condition: |
Now, we will split up into groups and form picket
lines. The first group will be led by: Incredibly Obese Black Man. |
| Incredibly
Obese Black Man: |
Escuse me, I'm not Incredibly Obese Black Man, I'm
Incredibly Black Obese Man. |
| Man with
Terrible Skin Condition: |
[looks at Incredibly Black Obese Man, then says flatly]
...Oh, right. My bad. |
| |
[Maury Povich show, back to
out-of-control-child segment] |
| Announcer: |
And now, back to more kids who are out of control, on
the Maury Povich show! |
| Maury: |
Our
next mother is Liane Cartman. Her son claims to be the most
out-of-control kid in the world and says there's nothing his stupid mom
can do about it. |
| Studio
Audience: |
Awww. |
| Vanessa: |
Why won't you kids behave? [Vanity stands and smacks
her acroos the face] |
| Vanity: |
[shakes her mom around by the neck] Shut up, skank,
he's not talkin' to you! [slaps her again and sits down] |
| Maury: |
So, Ms. Cartman, you can't control your child? |
| Liane: |
Oh, my little poopsie-kins gets into no-nos once in a
while, but he's still my perfect little plumsy-kiddle |
| Maury: |
Well, your son made a video backstage. Let's take a
look. [a video starts up with Cartman dolled up as a slut moving around
to hip-hop music] |
| Cartman: |
Maury,
I am out of control. Yeah, I use drugs. I can do what I waunt, bitch!
Yeah I have sex, and I don't use protection! It's my hot body; I'll do
what I waunt! [brings out a lollipop] I don't go to school and I kill
people! What-evah! I'll do what I waunt! |
| Studio
Audience: |
[gasps, then] BOOOO!! |
| Liane: |
Oh, he's such a cutie. |
| Maury: |
Well, let's bring him out. Here's Eric Cartman! [steps
out from behind the curtain and immediately gives the finger to the
audience] |
| Cartman: |
Wha'evah! Wha'evah! [walks up to a seat next to his
mom's and sits there] Maury, my mom can't control me, I'm tough! Go on,
aks hurh! |
| Maury: |
Ms. Cartman, what does your son like to do? |
| Liane: |
Ooo, he loves playing with his Clyde Frog and
Wellington Bear. |
| Cartman: |
[under his breath] Mom, we're pretending, remember? Sex
and drugs. |
| Liane: |
Oh, I mean, sex and drugs. |
| Studio
Audience: |
Oooohhh! |
| Cartman: |
[hops off his chair and tries the audience] What-evah!
What-evah! [snaps his left-hand fingers back and forth] I'll do what I
waunt! |
| Vanity: |
Oh, what-evah. You ain't tough, ho! I roam with gangs! |
| Cartman: |
Oh yeah?! I roam with twelve gangs! And we only commit
hate crimes! What-evah! I'll do what I waunt! [sits back down] |
| Vanity: |
What Evah! You ain't bad! You ain't nothin'! I ditch
class and go shoot heroin in the school bathroom! |
| Cartman: |
What-evah!
I ran for Congress and won. Then I had sex with an intern, killed her,
and hid her body! What-evah, I'll do what I waunt! |
| |
[Outside the building, the
freaks have gathered and are now on strike - "FREAK OUT 2K2"] |
| Man with
Terrible Skin Condition: |
What do we want? |
| The Freaks: |
Better prizes! |
| Man with
Terrible Skin Condition: |
When do we want them? |
| The Freaks: |
Now! |
| Man with
Terrible Skin Condition: |
What do we want? |
| The Freaks: |
Better prizes! |
| Butters: |
[muttering along] Better prizes. |
| Man with
Terrible Skin Condition: |
When do we want them? |
| The Freaks: |
Now! |
| Butters: |
Never. [approached the Man with Terrible Skin Condition]
Sir, I really gotta go home. My parents are gonna be sore at me. |
| Man with
Terrible Skin Condition: |
Napoleon,
you need to understand something: for a union to work all members must
be prepared to make sacrifices and stick together. |
| Butters: |
But I gotta get back to my family. |
| Man with
Terrible Skin Condition: |
[drops his sign and drops on one knee next to Butters]
We're you family too, Napoleon. We're like you. When we look at you we
don't even see the testicles on your chin. We see the testicles in your
heart. [back to the freaks] What do we want? |
| The Freaks: |
Better prizes! |
| Man with
Terrible Skin Condition: |
When do we want them? |
| The Freaks: |
Now! |
| Butters: |
Aw. hamburgers, this just keeps on gettin' worse.
[joins the others in the strike. Several police cruisers pull up and
police pour out of them] |
| Police Captain: |
Okay folks, we're gonna have to move along. |
| Man with Foot
on Head: |
Why? We're a union and we have a right to picket. |
| Police Captain: |
I'm sorry, but the government does not recognize you as
a union. You'll have to go. |
| Middle Dwarf: |
What are you saying? That because of our appearance our
organization is less important? |
| Police Captain: |
Now now now, I'm not telling you people that your union
doesn't matter, I'm just telling you that you're not really... people. |
| Man with Foot
on Head: |
...Alright, that does it! It's time to bring out the
big guns! Prepare the video sabotage! |
| Butters: |
Oh no, not the video sabotage, uh. |
| |
[Maury Povich show, back to
out-of-control-child segment] |
| Announcer: |
...child? We're back with Maury. |
| Maury: |
We're here, talking with moms who think their children
are out of control. |
| Vanity: |
What evah! |
| Cartman: |
I slaughtered five baby seals with my bare hands.
What-evah! I'll do what I waunt! |
| Maury: |
[walks to the third woman on the panel] Now let's meet
Joline. Joline says that her daughter is also out of control, that
she's flirting with older men, and, she's only four months old. |
| Studio
Audience: |
Aawwww. |
| Joline: |
Mmhmm, that's right Maurih. |
| Maury: |
Let's bring her out: here's Chantal! [Chantal
crawls out amid audience boos. The camera focuses on her diaper.
Chantal reaches Joline, who picks her up and sits her on the chair next
to hers] So Joline, exactly how is your daughter out of control? You
say she flirts with older men? [Chantal plays with her rattle] |
| Joline: |
Maurih,
it's like this: Whenever I have friends over to the house Chantal will
come waltzin' in the livin' room completely naked! |
| Studio
Audience: |
Ooohhh! |
| Vanity: |
Whatevah. I helped in a drive-by shooting. |
| Cartman: |
What-evah. I digitally put Jabba the Hutt back into the
original Star Wars movie! I'll do what I waunt! |
| Maury: |
Wow, that is out of control! |
| Joline: |
Why,
just last night I had three gentlemen callers over to my house, and
Chantal took her clothes off right in front o' everybody! |
| Studio
Audience: |
Boooo! [Chantal drops down and starts wiggling.] |
| Joline: |
You see? [Her diaper drops, then her top.] There she
goes. There she goes. [Chantal shows her butt to the audience] OH! YOU
GOD-DAMNED WHORE! |
| |
[the screen behind them
spuuters and changes. The Maury Povich logo disappears] |
| Man with Foot
on Head: |
[appearing] Attention Maury viewers |
| Maury: |
What the hell is this? [another image replaces the one
of Man with Foot on Head] |
| Elephant Man: |
A
lot of decent hard-working freaks in America are losing their talk-show
jobs to freaks of a different nature. Sure, everyone in this great
country of hours is a freak, but true, physically deformed freaks must
be recognized, for it's these real freaks that make you all feel better
about yourselves for not being one. So next time you're watching
television, make sure it's a show with "freak" freaks, and not just
with people that are freaks because they're stupid trailer trash from
the South. That's what we mean when we say, "Look for the True Freak
label" [his image fades to that of the True Freak label] |
| Butters and
the Freaks: |
[Butters sits atop a True Freak label box and starts
off] Look for the True Freak label
[four freaks join in] When you are watching a TV talk show
[a side shot of more freaks streaming their way to the box] Remember
somewhere,
[a shot of the audience] our union's growing
[a front shot of the freaks walking in] Our wages going to feed the
kids.
[a front shot of more freaks walking in] And run the house-
We work hard, but who's complaining?
[a zoom-out shot as the freaks crowd in around Butters] With TFU we're
making our way!
[a pan shot] So always look for the True Freak label,
[a full crowd shot] Because you need us right here in the U.S.A.! [the
Maury Povich logo is restored] |
| Maury: |
Ah, sorry America, a little glitch there, heh. Anyway- |
| Man: |
They're right. We should have never crossed that picket
line. Come on, honey. [takes her hand and leads her out. Other audience
members begin to grouse and leave] |
| Maury: |
[pleading] Wait! Come back, uh-... Maybe we can make
the other out-of-control kids take... their clothes off, too! |
| Cartman: |
[hops off his chair and steps forward] Whatevah! I'll
crap in my... pants! [more audience members leave] |
| Cameraman: |
Sir, the ratings have just started to plummet. |
| Maury: |
Ah, those damned freaks! [throws his microphone against
the back wall and heads for the exit] |
| |
[Outside the Maury Povich
studio. A door opens and Maury steps out. The freaks stop and wait] |
| Maury: |
I gave you shoes! And groceries! And this is how you
repay me?! [the freaks simply look back at him] Very well. Just come
upstairs and... we'll negotiate! [goes in and slams the door shut. A
few seconds later the freaks cheer their victory] |
| Man with Foot
on Head: |
We did it! The strike worked! |
| Man with
Terrible Skin Condition: |
Now we can go on with our careers! |
| Butters: |
Whoa, thank God that's over. Now I can get back home.
[drops his sign and moves off. An angry Cartman catches up to him] |
| Cartman: |
Butters, you have screwed me out of a prize for the
last time! [rips the balls off Butters' chin. The frreaks react
immediately and fall silent] |
| Butters: |
Oh. Double hamburgers. |
| Man with Foot
on Head: |
Jesus Christ! That out-of-control kid ripped poor
Napoleon's balls right off! |
| Incredibly
Obese Black Man: |
Get him! |
| Cartman: |
Aaahh! [three freaks trail behind with a boiling pot of
water] |
| Incredibly
Obese Black Man: |
Get him! Get him! [the freaks charge at Cartman, who
runs off in fear] |
| Butters: |
Hey. Things actually turned out... okay for me this
time. [a taxicab pulls up and screeches to a halt] |
| Chris: |
[quickly exits the cab with Linda] Butters! |
| Butters: |
[anticipating] Oh I know. |
| |
[End of Freak Strike] |
