| |
[Cartman's hosue, living room,
day. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle are on the sofa laughing as Cartman does
some prank calls] |
| Cartman: |
[dialing] Shu- shut up you gurs, shut up you guys. [the
boys quiet down and cover their mouths as the call goes through to City
Wok, a Chinese restaurant.] |
| City Wok Owner: |
Herro, Shitty Wok, take your order prease. |
| Cartman: |
[the boys giggle] Hello, is this City Wok? |
| City Wok Owner: |
Yes, this Shitty Wok. |
| Cartman: |
[the boys giggle harder] Uh, yes, we'd like one order
of the City Beef. |
| City Wok Owner: |
[writing] Shitty Beef... |
| Kyle: |
Aha, and I'll have the City Chicken. |
| City Wok Owner: |
[writing] Shitty Chicken... [the boys roar with
laughter. Cartman rolls back on the sofa] |
| Stan: |
Oh, dude, look! [the others look up and the phone falls
off Cartman's lap to the floor] It's that commercial with the guy that
lost 400 pounds eating at Subway Sandwiches! |
| |
[Commercial. The first thing
on the screen is a submarine sandwich. It pans across the screen. ] |
| Singer: |
He's still lookin' good!
- [a man appears eating a footlong subway sandwich. The
name "JARED VOGLE" appears on the screen near the bottom]
His name is Jared
- [he struts down a sidewalk. "LOST 262 LBS." appears
on the screen]
His name is Jared and he likes to eat the sandwiches...
- [a
side shot of Jared walking smoothly behind a white picket fence in
Downtown, then of slices of a party sub, then of the first sandwich]
|
| |
[Cartman living room. Butters
walks in] |
| Butters: |
Uh hey, fellas. |
| Stan: |
Hey Kenny |
| Butters: |
[upset] Now gosh darnit, my name's not Kenny! Kenny's
dead, and you're all gonna have to learn to deal with it! |
| Kyle: |
Okay, Not-Kenny. |
| |
[Commercial continues] |
| Announcer: |
Hey South Park! [camera
switches to the TV. Jared is shown munching away on a sub sandwich
behind splash bubbles saying "JARED LIVE" "FREE SUBS" and "LOSE WEIGHT"
and "MEET JARED" "SOUTH PARK, COLORADO"] You can meet Jared IN PERSON
March 6th at the Kenny McCormick Memorial Town Square! |
| Butters: |
[excited] Woh, boy! Jared's comin' to town! |
| Kyle: |
Dude! That's today! |
| Stan: |
We've gotta get down there! Come on, Not-Kenny! [Stan
and Kyle hop off the sofa and head for the front door] |
| Butters: |
[angered] Now gosh darnit, my name's not Not-Kenny! |
| Cartman: |
[hops off and follows Stan and Kyle] Okay, come on,
Not-Not-Kenny. |
| Butters: |
Wo-ah I'm getting steamed now. [follows the other
three. The phone remains on the floor] |
| City Wok Owner: |
[the receiver rattles with his voice] Hello! City Wok!
City Wok I take your order prease! |
| |
[Kenny
McCormick Memorial Town Square, moments later. A crowd is in front of
the stage waiting for Jared, with people holding up signs saying "We
Love Jared" "We Love You Jared!!" "Jared for President", etc. The boys
walk up to Mr. Garrison. Kyle taps him.] |
| Kyle: |
Excuse me. Could we get through here? |
| Mr. Garrison: |
[turns around] Hell no! I've been savin' this spot for
six hours! [begins to dance]
His name is Garrison, Mr. Garrison. He lost ten pounds takin' Jared's
lead- |
| Randy: |
Here he comes! [the crowd turns left as one and starts
clamoring. Jared struts towards the crowd as his theme song comes up] |
| Singer: |
He's still lookin' good, with all those... sub
sandwiches... [Jared walks up on stage and takes the podium] |
| Jared: |
Thank you all so much. You know what? After a year of
eating delicious sub sandwiches, I've proven weight loss is easy! [the
crowd cheers] And I promise you, I will always be your faithful leader
in easy weight loss! |
| Some men: |
Alright!! [more cheering] |
| Cartman: |
That guy ate all the sandwiches he wanted and lost
weight. He is sooo cool. |
| |
[South Park, later. A knock is
heard and a door opens. Jared is seen eating a sub at a desk. A worker
peaks in] |
| Worker: |
Mr. Vogle, some fans wanted to see if you'd sign their
sandwich? |
| Jared: |
Sure, let 'em in. [the worker lets the boys in and
Jared spins around to face them] Hi kids. [the room Jared is in is a
dressing room] |
| Butters: |
Wow, Jared! |
| Kyle: |
Dude! Did you really lose all that weight eating
nothing but sub sandwiches? |
| Jared: |
I sure did! And- Well- Well I, I also had a little help
on the side. |
| Stan: |
What kind of help? |
| Jared: |
Well, eating sub sandwiches was a big part of it. But
the way that I lost so much weight was that I got aides. |
| Cartman: |
Eh, AIDS? |
| Jared: |
That's
right. I got aides about two years ago and I've been losing weight ever
since. It's amazing how slim you can get with aides. |
| Stan: |
I'll bet you can. |
| Jared: |
Would you like to meet them? |
| Kyle: |
[steps backwards] Them? |
| Jared: |
My aides. Scott, Tyler! [moves to the door. The two
aides come in and Jared stands behind them. Then he looks at the blond
to his left] Scott is my personal trainer [looks at the light brunet to
his right] and Tyler is my dietician. |
| Scott, Tyler: |
Hello. |
| Kyle: |
Oh, "a i d E s" aides. |
| Jared: |
Yep. Hooray for aides! |
| Kyle: |
Well, that's not really what you say in the commercial. |
| Jared: |
I
know. You kinda have to read the fine print at the bottom of the
screen. It says I only ate a half-sized lean turkey sandwich with no
mustard or mayo or anything like that and then had proper diet and
exercise aides. |
| Kyle: |
But you're lying to people. If they knew that you
didn't eat just all the sandwiches you want, you might not be so
popular. |
| Jared: |
You, you think so. Well, why... should it matter? |
| Kyle: |
It matters, dude. [Jared begins to think...] |
| Jared: |
Hmmm. |
| |
[Main Street, moments later.
The boys walk along...] |
| Kyle: |
That penisbutt didn't lose weight eating sub
sandwiches. He lost weight because he ate less of them and exercised. |
| Stan: |
Yeah,
it's only in America that somebody can become famous just because they
go from being a big fatass to not being a big fatass. |
| Cartman: |
Ohmigod! [turns around] You guys! I think I'm having a
genius moment. Yes. Yes! Its coming to me now. |
| Kyle: |
That that's diarrhea. |
| Cartman: |
Noo.
Don't you see what this all means? Anybody could do what he did. What's
to stop someone else from going to say, City Wok, and cutting a deal
with them? Say they'll eat nothing but their Chinese food, but then eat
only a little tiny bit of it and exercise. |
| Stan: |
[following] Then City Wok could say their food makes
them lose weight. |
| Cartman: |
[softly] That's right Stan. [bolder] It's a cash cow I
tell you. |
| Kyle: |
That's a great idea! |
| Cartman: |
Lose weight and make money. I tell you this is gonna be
the greatest thing that Butters has ever done. |
| Butters: |
[surprised, steps backwards] Meee??? |
| Cartman: |
Weh- who do you think I'm talkin' about, Butters? Joyce
de Witt? |
| Butters: |
Oh, no, I thought you meant you. Eh you're the fat one. |
| Cartman: |
I can't lose weight, Butters, 'cause I'm not fat. I'm
big-boned. You can't slim down bones, stupid! |
| Kyle: |
But Butters isn't fat. |
| Cartman: |
That's my whole point. First we fatten him up, then we
make the deal with City Wok, then take the weight back off. |
| Stan: |
He's right. If Butters is naturally skinny, he'll be
able to take the weight off faster. |
| Butters: |
Buut fellas, if I get fat my parents will ground me. |
| Cartman: |
Oh come on! Just think about how famous you'll be! |
| Butters: |
You mean like Jared? |
| Kyle: |
Yeah dude! You'll be just like Jared! |
| Butters: |
[angrily] Well the heck with that! You said Jared was a
penisbutt! |
| Stan: |
You
wouldn't be a penisbutt, Butters, you'd be famous. Just think about all
those people following you around, singing songs to you just because
you lost some weight...
His name is Butters, it's Butters. [the boys begin to sway for each
line] |
| Cartman: |
He used to be fat but not no more [Butters brightens up] |
| Kyle: |
City Wok brought him down to a size 4. |
| Stan: |
Now he's got lots of moneys and girls |
| Cartman: |
[slowing] and a lifetime of free food at City Wok. |
| Butters: |
[beaming] Wow |
| |
[Le Place Restaurant, night.
Jared is dining with a woman inside] |
| Jared: |
Christine, you know I love you very much, and I, I
can't wait for the wedding. |
| Christine: |
I love you too, Jared. You've changed my whole life.
Her name is Jonez, Christine Jonez
She lost forty pounds when she met Jared, and- |
| Jared: |
Yeh,
I know I know, I know. But uh... some young boys were talkin' to me
earlier, and... it made me think that people might not be so proud of
my weight loss if they knew something. |
| Christine: |
Jared, what's this all about? |
| Jared: |
Uh Christine, this isn't probably gonna matter to you
at all, but... I have aides. |
| Christine: |
Uhwwwhat??? |
| Jared: |
Yeah, I have aides. I've had aides since before we were
together. [Christine's jaw drops] What, what are you thinking? Are you
bummed? |
| Christine: |
Am I bummed?! [moves her chair away from Jared and
faces him] You've had AIDS all this time and you knew it?! |
| Jared: |
Well of course I knew it. |
| Christine: |
Why the hell wouldn't you tell me?! |
| Jared: |
I didn't think it was that big of a deal. |
| Christine: |
Not that big of a deal?! I slept with you! |
| Jared: |
Aren't you overreacting a little bit? |
| Christine: |
Well Jesus Christ! We're supposed to get married! |
| Jared: |
We can still get married Christine, I mean, sure,
they're my aides now, but after we get married... they'll be our aides
[Christine sobs] You'll love having aides, Christine, you really will.
And when we have children, they'll have aides. It'll make things so
simple! [Christine throws up her arms, rises from her chair, and runs
out of the restaurant sobbing] Christine! [rises and moves to follow
Christine, but stops to think] Jeez, those boys were right. People
really don't like aides. I'd better tell everyone the truth. |
| |
[South Park Elementary, next
day. The boys enter the kitchen to get their meals.] |
| Chef: |
Hello there, children. |
| Kyle: |
Chef, we need Butters to gain about fifty pounds fast. |
| Chef: |
Fifty pounds? Why? |
| Cartman: |
Uuh, school project. |
| Chef: |
Well, if you want him to get really fat as fast as
possible, one of you will have to marry him. |
| Stan: |
Marry him? |
| Chef: |
It definitely worked for every woman I ever met. |
| Butters: |
Oh no no no! I ain't gettin' married; my parents will
ground me! |
| Kyle: |
Yeah, none of us wanna marry Butters. |
| Butters: |
[self-conscious] Well uh how come? What's wrong with me? |
| Chef: |
Well, I guess we're gonna have to do this the
old-fashioned way. Come on back, children. [all of them move away from
the counter and towards the back] |
| |
[The
kitchen, food preparation area. The camera pans across the table
showing pots, pans, and dishes with food all over the place. It rests
on Butters trying to finish off a plate, but struggling.] |
| Butters: |
Ugh. [sets his plate down] Wuh. Wuh I can't eat no more. |
| Kyle: |
You have to! Here, have some more mayonnaise. [scoops
out a tablespoon and hands it to Butters, but Butters doesn't take it.
Chef enters and Butters begins to throw up] |
| Stan: |
[notices] Chef, we need more food. |
| Chef: |
I'm runnin' out, children. [leaves. Butters vomits some
more] |
| Cartman: |
Damnit Butters! Keep eating or I'll kick you till
you're deader than Kenny! |
| Stan: |
[soberly] Dude, that isn't cool. You shouldn't joke
about Kenny being dead. Enough time hasn't passed. |
| Cartman: |
So how long until we can joke about it? |
| Kyle: |
Twenty-two point three years. That's how long it takes
for something tragic to become funny. |
| Cartman: |
Woogh, that's a long time to wait. |
| Butters: |
Wull I can't eat no more. I-I just keep pukin' it up. |
| Cartman: |
Then eat your puke. |
| Butters: |
NO!! |
| Cartman: |
Oh come on! Japanese girls do it. [Butters looks at
Cartman, then at his puke. Reluctantly he scoops it up and eats it.] |
| |
[Kenny McCormick Memorial Town
Square, later.] |
| Subway
Representative: |
Ladies
and gentlemen, we at Subway are happy to inform you that Jared has
elected to stay in South Park in order to speak to you once again! [the
crowd oohs and aaha] |
| Man 1: |
He's going to speak with us once again! |
| Subway
Representative: |
So, here he is, Jared! [the crowd cheers, and Jared is
again walking towards them, grinning] |
| Singer: |
He's still lookin' good, eatin' them sandwiches all the
time... [Jared walks up on stage and takes the podium] |
| Jared: |
Thank you-hoo, thank you all. Subway's is a healthy way
to eat fast food and lose weight! |
| Subway
Representative: |
All right! [pumps his arm as the crowd reacts] |
| Jared: |
But, [the crowd quiets down] I feel like I need to come
a little clean about something, uh-... it wasn't ...just Subway
sandwiches that made me thin. |
| Subway
Representative: |
...Huh? |
| Jared: |
The reason I was able to lose so much weight so quickly
was that I got aides. [grins with relief. The rep's jaw drops.] |
| Man 2: |
Huh? |
| Man 3: |
What? |
| Man 4: |
Did he say AIDS? |
| Jared: |
But I still wanna be the leader in a fitter America,
and so I'm here to tell you, that you should ALL go out and get aides!
[the crowd immediately begins to disperse] |
| Man 2: |
Oh my God! |
| A woman: |
Is he serious? |
| Jared: |
Having
aides - is - awesome! With aides you can literally watch the fat melt
away! And with the proper mix of aides and Subway sandwiches, anything
is possible! [the rep, looking on in dismay, has had enough and pushes
Jared out of the way to take the mic] |
| Subway
Representative: |
Ah, the opinions expressed by Mr. Vogle are not
necessariliy those of the Subway Company. [Jared soothes his left arm a
bit] |
| |
[Cartman's living room, some
days later. Stan is measuring Butters' girth and grins at the result.
Camera zooms out] |
| Kyle: |
Wow! He looks great! |
| Stan: |
How do you feel, Butters? |
| Butters: |
W-well, k-kinda like Cartman. [Cartman slaps Butters
and shakes him] Ow! |
| Cartman: |
Get a hold of yourself, man! |
| Stan: |
Alright, now it's time for phase 2. |
| |
[City Wok, moments later. The
boys walk towards it and enter. The owner greets them] |
| City Wok Owner: |
Wercome to Shitty Wok. You rike to try Shitty Chicken
today? |
| Cartman: |
Sir, we have come to offer you the business deal of a
lifetime. |
| City Wok Owner: |
You want the Shitty Beef? |
| Kyle: |
Nope. We wanna show the world how healthy your food is.
Our fat friend here is going to lose forty pounds eating at Shitty Wok. |
| City Wok Owner: |
Which one? I see two fat friends. |
| Cartman: |
[pointing to Butters] The fat one! |
| Stan: |
We're gonna take before and after photos, and then,
when he gets skinny from eating your food, we'll show the world. |
| City Wok Owner: |
...Why? |
| Kyle: |
Because then you can pay us to use our friend in
commercials. |
| City Wok Owner: |
Oh! You mean like-a Jared! |
| Cartman: |
Just like Jared. |
| City Wok Owner: |
His name is Jared, he lose some weight. Shitty Wok food
sure sells great. Yeah, okay. That sound good. Saw if he lose weight
eating Shitty Wok, I pay use to use him in commercial. |
| The Boys: |
All right! |
| Cartman: |
Sir, we are in business! |
| |
[Subway company boardroom,
day. Jared has been called in to see the board] |
| Subway
Representative: |
[second from left] Jared, first of all we want to say
that all of us here at Subway appreciate everything you've done for our
company. |
| Jared: |
[happily] Well, I appreciate your company doing
everything it's done for me. |
| Subway Rep 2: |
[second from right]
Yes, well, it is now the opinion of all of us that perhaps it would be
best for you to take your... strange theories on weight loss elsewhere. |
| Jared: |
[crestfallen] ...'Scuse me ...am I being fired? |
| Subway Rep 3: |
[center] Jared, it's just that your new take on weight
loss is contrary to our commetment to good health. |
| Jared: |
How so? |
| Subway
Representative: |
Well, your new slogan, for instance. [clears his throat]
"When it comes to fitness, Subway goes hand in hand with aides." |
| Jared: |
[softly] Ah hah. [he
rises and leaves the "SANDWICH MARKETING" building with hands in
pockets. He closes the door and walks away dejectedly. He passes a
basketball court where a few people are shooting baskets. He looks at
them as he passes by. Then he stops, looks at the camera, sighs, and ] |
| Singer 2: |
His name is Jared. Jared lost weight eating Subway and
... sandwiches of |
| |
[Flex Gym Fitness Club, day] |
| Cartman: |
[heard from the outside] Come on, Butters, you gotta
get skinny again! [the
camera goes inside. People are exercising on all sorts of equipment. A
woman runs by on a track on the second floor. Butters is pulling at a
rowing machine as Cartman spots him. Cartman is eating Cheesy Poofs and
barking orders] You are such a flabby hunk of crap!! Look at those
jelly rolls!! Jelly rolls I tell ya!! You still got seven chins, boah!!
You'll never be thin!! Nobody loves you!! |
| Butters: |
[looks at Cartman] Wuh hey now, they do too! Uh, my mom
and dad - love me even if I am fat. |
| Cartman: |
[normal] Butters, I'm just trying to offer some
motivational help here. |
| Butters: |
Well alright then. |
| Cartman: |
[barking] ROW you fat bitch!! Look at those jelly
rolls!! Nobody loves you!! You're not even a person!! |
| |
[Jared's dressing room, day.
Jared paces the room eating a sub sandwich] |
| Jared: |
I never asked to be famous; now everyone hates me! I
almost wish I had never gotten aides! [his aides come in] |
| Tyler: |
Hey now, come on. What kind of talk is that? |
| Jared: |
I'm sorry, guys, but I...I think I wanna be aides-free
for a while. |
| Scott: |
Come on, Jared, lighten up! People don't hate you. |
| Tyler: |
Yeah. Maybe they're all just jealous that they can't
afford to hire their own aides. |
| Jared: |
[brightening] Wait a minute... you're right! [moves
towards the camera] Yeah! I think I know how to be a celebrity again!
[heads for the door] |
| |
[City Wok, outside, later.
Cartman and Kyle wait on Stan as he arrives] |
| Stan: |
Did you bring the camera? |
| Kyle: |
Yeah, we're all set. |
| Cartman: |
[steps in between them] Guys, I think this might be a
good time to discuss some business. |
| Kyle: |
Well what do you mean? |
| Cartman: |
Well,
when City Wok sees how skinny Butters is, they're not gonna want him to
just make one commercial, they're gonna want several. |
| Stan: |
That's true. Jared did like a hundred for Subway
Sandwiches. |
| Cartman: |
I
think we're looking at a non-exclusive two-year fifty-picture deal
here. My calculations put that at about four million dollars. |
| Kyle: |
Wow. [he and Stan are awed] |
| Cartman: |
Now, I think the four million should be split evenly
among the three of us, except that I should get a twenty percent
pernegation fee off the gross for having come up with the idea. |
| Butters: |
[arrives as Cartman speaks] Hey fellas. |
| Stan: |
Butters?? What the hell are you doing?? |
| Kyle: |
Yeah, you're still fat! |
| Butters: |
Well, I know, ah I can't seem to lose it. |
| Cartman: |
Well we're supposed to shoot yoru commercial today, you
fat piece of crap! |
| Butters: |
Well ah I don't know what to tell ya. Losin' weight is
harder than puttin' it on. |
| Cartman: |
No it isn't, stupid blubberbutt!! |
| Stan: |
[Kyle finally produces the camera] Did you eat only
once ounce of City Wok like we told you?? |
| Butters: |
Well uhyeah, but ah, I don't know... |
| Kyle: |
Why are you doing this to us? |
| |
[Butters'
house, later. The boys have prepared a makeshift operating table on the
coffee table in the livingn room. Kyle reads from a medical book,
Cartman has a suction tube and pail, and Stan is overseeing the
operation] |
| Stan: |
All prepared for liposuction surgery? |
| Cartman: |
Check. |
| Butters: |
Uh, I don't know about this, fellas. |
| Stan: |
[shoots back] Hey, you're the one who screwed us by not
losing weight, Butters. [Cartman makes sure the scalpel is sharp] |
| Kyle: |
[faces Stan] Okay, it says here the operation begins
with a one-inch incision in the ab-do-men on the left side just above
the hip. |
| Cartman: |
That should blah [babbles a bit] ah here. [cuts into
Butters' abdomen] |
| Butters: |
[reacts] Woahhh! |
| Cartman: |
Oh stop your bitchin' Butters! Kenny woulda took it
like a man! |
| Kyle: |
Okay, now put one end of the tube a half an inch into
the incision. [Cartman picks up one end of the tube and inserts it into
the incision] |
| Cartman: |
Alrighty. |
| Butters: |
Whoa. I think this is a bad idea, fellas. I feel woozy. |
| Cartman: |
Alright, I think it's in. [turns around] |
| Kyle: |
The liposuction is a process of siphoning out the
excess fat. [Cartman stalls, then picks up the other end and starts
sucking the fat out] |
| Cartman: |
[spits out the hose as soon as the fat hits his lips]
Bohogh, egh. [puts the hose into the pail for the fat to collect] |
| Butters: |
Waaaahh. |
| Cartman: |
There it goes. |
| Kyle: |
Alright, it's working! |
| Cartman: |
[wipes away a bit of fat remaining on his lips] Aw man,
it tastes like that, um, you know that cream-chipped-beef stuff that
Chef makes sometimes. |
| Butters: |
Aahh heh ahh, I don't feel very good. |
| Stan: |
Shut up, Butters, it's your own damned fault. |
| Butters: |
Everything's getting dark... |
| Stan: |
We've gotta hurry this up. [moves behnd the coffee
table to Butter's belly and starts pounding on it. The fat begins
flowing out faster] |
| Cartman: |
[looks at the fat flowing out] Oh yeah, keep doing
that. That's working good. |
| Stan: |
He's losing weight. [Kyle smiles] |
| Cartman: |
Oh, whoa. Whoa! [the fat rushes out so quickly the tube
begins to buck, splattering fat and blood all over the place] |
| Kyle: |
It's out of control! [Stan
has stopped pounding, but the fat is pulsing out and Cartman can't
control it.. Butters gets thinner by the second and headed for shock] |
| Butters: |
Whoa, everything's getting sparkly. [the sound of a car
pulling up is heard] |
| Stan: |
Oh no, dude, Butters' parents are home. |
| Cartman: |
Oh, crap! |
| Stan: |
Dude, bail! [the three boys rush out the back door,
then the front door opens and Butter's parents walk in. The living room
is a mess] |
| Linda: |
Butters? BUTTERS?? |
| Butters: |
[listlessly] Mom. Dad. |
| Chris: |
Butters. Are you having liposuction surgery? Tell me
the truth! |
| Butters: |
Yes sir. |
| Linda: |
This is unbelievable! How many times have we told you
not to have self-performed liposuction surgery in our house?! |
| Butters: |
Four times, mom. |
| Chris: |
Well, I guess that wasn't enough! You get up to your
room right now, mister! |
| Butters: |
Yes, sir. [rises and... struggles. He falls off the
coffee table to the floor. Chris isn't fazed, but Linda is affected] |
| Chris: |
Oh huh don't you give us that look young man! You're
gonna get it! |
| |
[News 4 News, day. A field
reporter stands in front of the Mayor's office. The mayor and her aides
are present] |
| Reporter: |
Tom,
I'm standing out in front of the Mayor's office, where the big liar,
Jared, is once again about to speak. Apparently, Jared hopes to regain
his celebrity hero status, which was lost when he announced that it was
AIDS, not sub sandwiches, that caused him to lose weight. Let's listen
in. |
| |
[The podium. Jared stands
behind it] |
| Jared: |
Ladies
and gentlemen, a- at first I didn't understand why you felt betrayed by
the fact that my aides helped me to lose weight, but now I understand
that it isn't fair that- I had aides and most of you don't. And so,
with all the money I've made from commercials, I have decided to start
the Aides for Everyone Foundation! |
| Jimbo: |
What?? |
| Jared: |
I am going to personally see to it that each and every
one of you gets aides! [a long silence follows as the audience just
looks at Jared] |
| Mayor
McDaniels: |
This guys' insane. |
| Jared: |
But
I won't stup there. I'm gonna seek out all the underprivileged and
hungry children of the world, and I'm giong to give them aides myself! |
| Chef: |
You're gonna give children AIDS?! |
| Jared: |
Yes, it is my hope that every beautiful child on this
earth has aides by next month! Aides for everyone!! [another long
silence] |
| Skeeter: |
Get him! [the crowd begins to move forward angrily and
Jared leaved the podium] |
| |
[Butters' house, some days
later. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman show up at the front door, and Cartman
rings the bell] |
| Stan: |
Come on, Butters. Time to go. |
| Butters: |
Uh go where? |
| Kyle: |
To City Wok so we can make our money. God! |
| Butters: |
I can't go anywhere, fellas. I've been grounded for
havin' lipo-suction... surgery. [lifts his short to show the bandage
over the scar] |
| Stan: |
What? |
| Butters: |
Wuh
well I told you my parents would be sore, and they said for... havin'
liposuction surgery, I can't play outside for five days. |
| Cartman: |
Dude, we just need you to come down to City Wok real
quick so they can see how skinny you are! |
| Butters: |
[counts off]
Well you guys have already got me in dutch for gettin' fat, and then I
got in double-dutch for... havin' liposuction, and now you're askin' me
to be in triple dutch?! [moves his hands palms down to wash his hands
of any more trouble] Huh uh! I'll never be that dutch! |
| Stan: |
...Kenny would have done it. |
| Kyle: |
Yup. |
| Cartman: |
Do you guys remember what a cool friend Kenny was?
[whispers] God. [normally] He was always up for helpin' us out; man, he
was the best friend ever. |
| Butters: |
Look,
fellas, I can't do it! My mom and dad call in every hour from work to
make sure I am here. If I don't answer the ph-phone, it'll tell 'em I'm
up to no good! |
| Cartman: |
Alright alright, I'll stay here and answer the phone
for you. |
| Butters: |
No- but you don't sound like me. |
| Cartman: |
[begins sounding something like Butters. Kyle looks on]
Well you don't sound like me. My name is Butters and I'm a little pussy
who won't halp his friends make money. |
| Kyle: |
Wow, that was pretty good. |
| Stan: |
Alright, it's settled.Come on, Butters. [pulls Butters
out the door. Cartman enters the hosue] |
| Cartman: |
Don't forget, a third of that four million dollars is
mine! [the others leave and he closes the door] |
| |
[Stotch living room, inside.
Cartman moves to the sofa] |
| Cartman: |
Eh. [makes himself comfortable on the sofa and turns on
the TV. He grunts a bit] Eh. Yeah. [the phone rings; he answers] Well
hello? |
| Chris: |
[at an office full of cubicles] I'm just checkig in on
you, Butters. [a woman walks down the aisle behind him] Heh- Do I hear
the television? We told you no television while you're grounded! |
| Cartman: |
Oh, gee whiz, I'm not.. uhwatchin' television, Dad, I'm
just... layin' around jackin' it. |
| Chris: |
Jacking it? Jacking what? |
| Cartman: |
Well my hot spicy boner, of course, Dad. |
| Chris: |
What?! Are you trying to get yourself in more trouble
with that kind of language?! |
| Cartman: |
Well ah, loosen up, you vaginal belch. |
| Chris: |
Oh!! You are gonna get it, mister!! You just wait till
I get home!1 |
| Cartman: |
Bring it on, queer bait. [hangs up] Aaaahhhh, yes!
[puts his arms behind his head, quite satisfied with himself] |
| |
[Day, somewhere. Jared has a
bat and is beating the hell out of something...] |
| Jared: |
...I tell my [paf] girlfriend I have aides and she
leaves, I tell the [paf] world to get aides and they think I'm crazy, I
offer to give aides to kids and everyone wants me [paf] dead! [the
camera pulls back and the thing Jared is beating is a dead horse.
Literally] What's wrong with [paf] aides?! Why doesn't anyone want me
to give them [paf] aides?! [the crowd arrives with torches, charging
noisily] |
| Mr. Garrison: |
There he is, beatin' that dead horse! |
| Man in Crowd: |
Alright! |
| Jimbo: |
Let's get him! [the crowd charges forward and Jared
runs away again] |
| Jared: |
Aahhh!! |
| |
[City Wok. Stan, Kyle, and
Butters arrive and enter] |
| City Wok Owner: |
Welcome t'Shitty Wok. Take your order prease. |
| Kyle: |
We have great news! Our friend has lost forty pounds
eating your City Wok food. Here's the before and after photos. |
| City Wok Owner: |
He lose weight eating Shitty Wok? |
| Stan: |
That's right! So now you can pay us to use him in your
commercials and you'll have your very own Jared! |
| City Wok Owner: |
Oh no, no way! I not putting no Jared in my Shitty Wok
commercial |
| Kyle: |
Uh why not? |
| City Wok Owner: |
Don't you know? Everybody hate Jared. He want everyone
in world to havd AIDS. He sick in the head. |
| Stan: |
What?? |
| City Wok Owner: |
I don't want Shitty Wok have nothing to do with Jared
land his AIDS. |
| Stan: |
Wait. Everyone hates Jared now? |
| City Wok Owner: |
Yah they, they gonna kill him. They gonna kill Jared
downtown right now. |
| Stan: |
Awgh, come on guys, we gotta sort this out. [the boys
exit the store] |
| |
[Butters'
house, living room. Cartman has eaten quite a bit of food (soda, milk,
candy, Cheesy Poofs) and is watching TV - a Terrance & Phillip
episode. Only their voices are heard] |
| Phillip: |
Here's a man's fart for ya. [farts, laughs] |
| Terrance: |
God no! [laughs again, and Cartman joins in. The phone
rings] Oh, Phillip, your anthrax has given me colon cancer! |
| Cartman: |
[answering] Hello? |
| Linda: |
[calling in from her office] Butters, your father
called and said you made him very upset! |
| Cartman: |
Yeah, well, Dad's being a little pussy, Mom. |
| Linda: |
[stunned, then] Butters, where did you get that kind of
smart mouth?! |
| Cartman: |
Uh not from you dumbasses, that's for sure. |
| Linda: |
Oh, you just weit till I get home, mister!! |
| Cartman: |
Oh, I'll be waiting with horse bells on, you old...
horse-bangin' skank. [hangs up] Hah. [resumes eating] |
| Terrance: |
Ey! There's some anthrax over there! [farts, then roars
with laughter] |
| Phillip: |
Oh no, hahahahahahaha. |
| |
[Downtown,
Mayor's office, outside, day. The corwd has captured Jared and taken
him back downtown. A gallows is set up and Jared has had the noose
placed around his neck. Two men finish and walk off. The Mayor stands
off to one side with her aides.] |
| Jared: |
Why did I ever do those stupid commercials? |
| Mayor
McDaniels: |
Alright, Jared, you sick pervert! Do you have anything
to say before you die?? |
| Kyle: |
[offscreen] Wait! [the boys run up to the gallows
platform] You're all making a mistake! |
| Chef: |
Stand back, children! Jared wants to give you AIDS! |
| Stan: |
No, you don't understand. Jared doesn't have "AIDS"
aids, he has assistants. Two guys that help him lose weight that he
calls his aides. |
| People in
Crowd: |
[softly] Oh. |
| Mayor
McDaniels: |
You mean, Jared's aides are like my aides? |
| Jared: |
Yes. ...Y-you mean you all thought...? Oh my Gosh! |
| Skeeter: |
Oh boy, do I feel stupid. |
| Gerald: |
Oh we're so sorry, Jared |
| Jared: |
No no, hey it was my fault. I can't believe I I, I
didn't think of what I was saying! [giggles] |
| Chef: |
Eh so he was saying, children should have help like he
had! [laughs] |
| Randy: |
Yeah! That has got to be about the biggest
misunderstanding EVER!! [several people laugh] |
| Jared: |
[laughing] Oh my God! I told my girlfriend I wanted her
to share my "AIDS" - oh, no wonder she left! |
| Mr. Garrison: |
[laughing] Cuh-can you imagine what we thought when you
said, "Aides for Everyone Foundation"? |
| Jared: |
Oh, brother! |
| Skeeter: |
Aha- [stops and realizes something] ...Hey. We're all
laughing. [everyone stops and listens] |
| Mr. Mackey: |
Uh hey, yeah. We, we woulda never laughed about this
before. |
| Randy: |
Well don't you see what this means? It's been 22.3
years, so... AIDS is finally funny! |
| People in
Crowd: |
Ooohhh. |
| Mayor
McDaniels: |
He's right. It happened! |
| Jimbo: |
Hey everybody! AIDS is finally funny! |
| People in
Crowd: |
Alright! Yay! Woohoo! [fireworks come up out of nowhere]
Hooray! |
| Mr. Mackey: |
I knew it would be funny someday! [laughs] AIDS! |
| Mr. Garrison: |
Then it's time! We can undo the banner! [fanfare
comes up, and a man pulls a curtain away to reveal a huge golden plaque
reading "AIDS IS FINALLY FUNNY" Ooohs and aaahs follow.] |
| |
[Cut to Times Square, where
the crawl reads "3-06-02 AIDS HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY DECLARED FUNNY"] |
| New Yorker: |
Hooray! |
| |
[Cut to Mayor's office,
outside. Everyone now has party hats on and are celebrating. The field
reporter resumes reporting] |
| Reporter: |
Tom,
I'm standing in the town square where just moments ago it was declared
that AIDS... can finally be joked about. What a great day for humanity |
| Mr. Garrison: |
[laughs, then] "AIDS quilt" [resumes laughing. The
crowd disperses and the City Wok owner finds the boys] |
| City Wok Owner: |
Oh boy, this is fantastic! I so grad AIDS is funny now. |
| Stan: |
Okay, so now, do you wanna use our friend in your
commercials? |
| City Wok Owner: |
Sure. Can I pay you fifteen dowlar |
| Stan: |
Fifteen dowlar? But... Jared got millions! |
| City Wok Owner: |
Hey, I'm not a-Subway, I Shitty Wok. Shitty Wok don't
have... million dollars. |
| Stan: |
[takes off his hat and throws it on the ground] Oh
God-damnit |
| Kyle: |
Aw, just forget the whole thing then! |
| City Wok Owner: |
Okay. [walks off, returns] Hey, you kids know why
chicken cross the road? |
| Stan: |
Why? |
| City Wok Owner: |
'Cause it has AIDS. [laughs. The boys just look at him
oddly] AIDS so funny! [walks away laughing] |
| Stan: |
Well, so much for our money. |
| Kyle: |
Yeah,
but you know, I've learned something today. It would have been wrong to
exploit Butters' weight loss. Becuase then lots of fat people would
have believed it. And then gone and eaten a ton of Chinese food instead
of dieting properly. They'd still be fat and, we'd be responsible for
their shattered dreams. |
| Butters: |
Yeah, I don't like shattering fat people's dreams.
Besides, I'd get grounded. [gasps] Oh, Jesus! I'm supposed to be
grounded! [rushes away] |
| |
[Butters' house, minutes
later. Butters rushes to the front door ] |
| Butters: |
Huh. Huh, uh, uh. |
| Cartman: |
[opens the door in anticipation] There you are, Butters! |
| Butters: |
[nervous] Wuh-are my... mom and dad back home yet? |
| Cartman: |
No, but they're due home any minute. Come on, you're
just in time! |
| Butters: |
Hoh boy! Mom and Dad didn't... find out I... left the
house, did they? |
| Cartman: |
No, I totally covered for you. They completely believed
I was you on the phone. |
| Butters: |
Hu-oh! Goody! |
| Cartman: |
Here you go. [hands Butters some drawings]
I drew some pictures with crayons so it looks like you were here all
day. And I ate a little food so it looks like you ate, and I fed your
cat. |
| Butters: |
Uh perfect. |
| Cartman: |
Alright I'd better get out of here before they get
back. [makes his way to the door] |
| Butters: |
Uh hey, uh Eric? [Cartman turns around] Uh thanks for
coverin' for me. You're a real pal. |
| Cartman: |
Butters, it was my pleasure. [pulls
out his mittens and opens the door, then puts them on. He heads for the
sidewalk humming a late night theme song, then turns around to frame
the house with his fingers, then walks away] |
| |
[Butters'
house, outside. Cartman, still humming, returns with a beach chair,
some popcorn, and soda, and sets them up on the front lawn. Then he
sits down to look at the coming show. Two cars pull up: it's Butters'
parents rushing home. They exit their cars and head for the door
angrily. They enter...] |
| Butters: |
Hi, Mom and Dad! |
| Chris: |
Don't you "Hi, Mom and Dad!" us, you little punk!!
[punch] |
| Butters: |
Ow. Dad? |
| Linda: |
You don't even know the trouble you're in, mister!!
[punch] |
| Butters: |
Ah! What did I do? What did I do? |
| Chris: |
You think you're touigh now? Answer me!! [a belt is
heard coming off and whipping Butters] |
| Butters: |
Aaaa!! [the beating continues] |
| Cartman: |
Aw, man, if I was older, I would totally start jacking
off right now. |
| |
[End of Jared Gets Aides] |
