| |
[A
ranch, day. A rancher stands next to his cow corral as the South Park
Elementary bus drives up. The bus stops and Ms. Choksondiksteps off] |
| Ms. Choksondik: |
Okay children, step off the bus and form a group next
to the nice redneck - I mean, rancher. |
| Rancher: |
Hello, boys and girls. My name is Rancher Bob. |
| Ms. Choksondik: |
Let's all say hello to Rancher Bob. |
| Kids: |
Hi, Rancher Bob. |
| Rancher Bob: |
I'm pleased to show you all the wonderful world of
beef. Follow me. |
| Kyle: |
[to Stan] City kids get to go to museums for field
trips. We get cow farms. |
| Rancher Bob: |
Now, out here you can see our cattle. This is where the
magic begins as the cows eat and sleep and prepare for certain death.
[a shot of the cows looking back at the class.] |
| Cartman: |
They look so delicious. [Kyle looks at him] |
| Rancher Bob: |
[leading the class down a line of cows] Now here we
have the slaughterhouse. This is where we turn the cows into steaks and
burgers. [a cow moos and a guillotine comes down, chopping its head
off.] |
| Kids: |
Eewwww!! |
| Kyle: |
Aw, dude. [Two
workers come and carry the cow's body away, leaving the head behind.
Rancher Bob reaches down for a skinned leg and holds it up] |
| Rancher Bob: |
Hey, anybody want a free sample? |
| Cartman: |
[raises his arm up with glee] Memememee! |
| Rancher Bob: |
[now standing next to a darkened doorway] And in here,
boys and girls, we have our... [flips on a switch, illuminating the
room beyond.] veal ranch. [the
class looks at the baby calves in the room. A closeup changes the music
from spritely to somber. A shot of the class, with some kids showing
some dread. Bob walks over to a calf and kneels by it] You see,
with veal the whole key is keepin' the cows chained so they can't walk
around or get any exercise. That way, their muscle tissue stays soft,
and makes for tender veal. |
| Stan: |
Wiat a minute. Veal is... little baby cows?? |
| Rancher Bob: |
Yeppir. |
| Kyle: |
Then why the hell do they call it "veal"?? |
| Rancher Bob: |
Well, if we called it "little baby cow" people might
not eat it. |
| Stan: |
Yeah, I wouldn't have. |
| Butters: |
Huh, me neither. |
| Cartman: |
Oh, man, look at that one! [moves towards the calves]
It looks delicious |
| Kyle: |
What?? |
| Cartman: |
Mm, succulent and juicy. [reaches the calf he was
eyeing] Can we have a free sample of these, too? |
| Rancher Bob: |
Well, no, but all these veals
are goin' to the slaughterhouse tomorrow mornin'. They'll be steaks by
tommorow afternoon and then you can buy them at your grocery store. |
| Cartman: |
Alriiight! |
| Stan: |
Tomorrow morning? [a shot of the calves has Stan, Kyle,
and Butters transfixed. The rest of the class leaves] Dude, we gotta
help them. |
| Kyle: |
Yeah. |
| |
[Cartman's
house, night. A light is on in the living room. Catman is asleep in his
bed. Butters, Stan and Kyle climb up to his window.] |
| Stan: |
[knocks twice on the wall below the window] Pst,
Cartman. |
| Cartman: |
[responding to a dream] No, Uncle Jesse, no! |
| Stan: |
[knocks twice while saying] Cartman, wake up! |
| Cartman: |
[wakes up and sees his friends] What? What the hell are
you guys doing?? |
| Kyle: |
[opening the window] Come on, we've gotta go! |
| Cartman: |
Where are we going? |
| Stan: |
We're gonna go to save the little baby cows, fatass! |
| Cartman: |
What? Why? |
| Kyle: |
'Cause they're gonna get slaughtered tomorrow, butthole! |
| Cartman: |
So? |
| Stan: |
So we can't let 'em die, douchebag! You're our friend;
now come help us! |
| Cartman: |
Well,
lessee, in the last three point two seconds you've called me "fatass,"
"butthole," and "douchebag." I really don't feel like you guys's
friend. [lies back down and closes his eyes] |
| Stan: |
We're sorry, you are our friend. We need you to help us
because friends stick together. |
| Butters: |
Uh-wait. I thought... yoyou said we needed him because
he has the "Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering playset." |
| Stan: |
[heaves softly] Damnit Butters, will you shut up?! |
| Cartman: |
[sits up] Oho! So you need me and my Mission Impossible
Breaking and Entering playset! |
| Stan: |
[plainly] Yes we do. We're those little baby cows' only
hope. Will you help us? |
| Cartman: |
Yes. Yes I will. If Kyle will kiss my black ass. [turns
his ass to Kyle, lowers his pants and underwear, and waits] |
| Kyle: |
What?! |
| Cartman: |
Just give it a little kiss and I'll help. |
| Kyle: |
Screw you, Cartman! |
| Cartman: |
Hokay, but if you want my help you have to give it just
a little kiss. [softly] Kiss it. |
| Stan: |
Go on, dude it's the only way. |
| Kyle: |
No! |
| Cartman: |
Kiss it. Come on. [gruffly] Kiss it. |
| Stan: |
Just do it really fast, and we can go. |
| Kyle: |
Have Butters kiss it. |
| Cartman: |
No, it has to be Kyle. [turns
away. Kyle resists for a few moments, then slowly moves his face
towards Cartman's ass through the window. Kyle finally reaches the ass
and Cartman unleashes a juicy fart. Kyle withdraws in fits and starts] |
| Kyle: |
Awww! [wipes off his face and then waves away the smell] |
| Cartman: |
[laughs uproariously] Oh man, that was soho awesome! |
| Kyle: |
Sick! I felt it on my face! |
| Stan: |
Okay, very funny Cartman, now come on! |
| Cartman: |
[] Hell, I'm not goin' with you! |
| Kyle: |
Hyaaaa! [lunges at Cartman and starts hitting him] |
| Cartman: |
Heeeey! [rolls off the bed and the wrestling continues] |
| |
[Rancher
Bob's ranch, night. The boys are walking on the roof of the veal ranch.
They stop, and Stan opens the playset to put on the costume and harness] |
| Butters: |
Oh
I don't know about this, fellas. It says right here on the Mission
Impossible Breaking and Entering playset: "Not for actual breaking and
entereing. B-breaking and entering is a cr-riime." |
| Stan: |
Yeah, well killing little helpless baby cows should be
a crime, too! [holds up parts of a torch] How does this thing work,
Cartman? |
| Cartman: |
[heaves and takes the torch from Stan] Jesus, don't you
guys have any toys? First you put on the black ski mask [hands it to
Stan] and use the torch to cut a hole in the roof. [opens the gas valve
and lights the gas stream. A blue flame shoots out and the other boys
jump back.] |
| |
[The
hold is created, and Stan, now dressed in black and in harness, is
lowered into the ranch. He stops just short of the ground] |
| Stan: |
[softly into his headset] Okay, that's far enough. I'm
going to go delta. |
| Cartman: |
[peers down. Butters and Kyle join him] You have to
talk louder. I forgot the double-A batteries for the SuperTalk
play-action headset. |
| Stan: |
[looks up and calls out] I said that's far enough! [the
harness drops to the floor. He gets up and unlocks himself out of the
harness, and it goes back up. A calf looks back at him innocently. Stan
moves up behind the calf, the softly] Don't be scared, little baby cow.
We're here to set you loose. [removes the chain] There you go. You're
free. Run away! [the calf doesn't move, and Stan gestures] Go! They're
gonna murder you. |
| Cartman: |
Stan, could you hurry it up? I'm freezing my ass off. |
| Kyle: |
You need to freeze some of your ass off. |
| Cartman: |
O! At least I have as ass, Jew! |
| Kyle: |
What? [below, Stan removes the chains from the
remaining calves] |
| Stan: |
Come on, you stupid baby cows! [walks towards the door
and lifts up the security bar, then opens the door] You have to get out
of here. [they just lift their heads and look at the entrance. The
other boys join Stan inside the veal ranch] |
| Butters: |
Huuh what's the matter? |
| Stan: |
They aren't leaving. |
| Cartman: |
See? Maybe they want to become sweet juicy veal steaks. |
| Kyle: |
Hey. They've never been allowed to walk before. They
just don't know how. |
| Stan: |
Oh yeah, they're too weak to move. [a shot of the
calves again] Well, we've gotta get 'em out of here. We'll just keep
them at Butters' house until they can get their strength back. |
| Butters: |
No no no no no! I can't bring cows into my house. I'll
get grounded. |
| Stan: |
Okay, fine Butters! I guess you're not a team player!
We'll bring them to my house. |
| Kyle: |
Dude! How are we gonna move twenty three calves to your
house? |
| Stan: |
I dno't know. |
| Cartman: |
I've got it. We could kill Butters, and then float the
calves on a river of blood. |
| Kyle: |
Don't be stupid, Cartman! Butters doesn't hve that much
blood in him! |
| Butters: |
Eh yeah I do too! |
| Stan: |
[moves towards the calves] We're just gonna have to
carry them one by one. [lifts up his first calf] Come on, you guys.
[Kyle and Butters look at each other, then move to join Stan] |
| Cartman: |
Eh! [follows] |
| |
[The
boys are shown walking down an icy road, each carrying a calf...
except... one calf is sliding across the ice, then stops. Cartman
appears to follow it, but he approaches it and stands next to it] |
| Cartman: |
Check it out, you guys. I'm calf-curling. [pushes the
calf further across the ice] |
| |
[Stan's house, day. The boys
and the calves are in Stan's room. Three of the boys are there with the
calves] |
| Cartman: |
Man, these calves smell like crap! I don't see how
you're gonna hide them from your mom much longer. |
| Stan: |
We won't have to. Butters said he has something in his
house that makes baby cows strong again. He's bringing it over. |
| Kyle: |
Butters has that at his house? |
| Butters: |
[enters carrying a box] Hey fellas! |
| Stan: |
Butters! [Butters turns] Did you bring it? |
| Butters: |
I sure did. We'll have those poor baby cows in shape in
no time! |
| Kyle: |
All right! |
| Butters: |
[reads the box] "Susanne Sommers' Calf Exerciser." |
| Stan: |
What? |
| Butters: |
"Makes your calves stronger in just - two days!" |
| Kyle: |
Oh, God-damnit! That's your plan? |
| Butters: |
Eh, you thnk it's a gimmick? Susanne promises right on
the box that it works. |
| |
[Stan's
house, front door, moments later. Rancher Bob and Officer Barbrady are
at the front door. Barbrady knocks. Sharon opens the door and Rancher
Bob tips his hat to her] |
| Officer
Barbrady: |
Hello, Mr. Marsh. |
| Sharon: |
Officer Barbrady. What can I do for you? |
| Officer
Barbrady: |
Well,
we've got a little problem. Gent here caught your boy and his friends
trespassing on his ranch. They stole some of his property. |
| Sharon: |
Stole? A-a-are you sure? [Randy and Shelley appear next
to her] |
| Rancher Bob: |
I followed a calf-curling path right to your house,
ma'am. |
| Shelley: |
Ooo, Stan's in trouble. Let me kick his ass, Mom. |
| Sharon: |
Not now - my son is not a thief. I'm sure this is just
some kind of a misunderstanding. [she leads the others upstairs to
Stan's room.] Stanley, did you see-? [she's stunned at what she sees] |
| Stan: |
Aw crap! |
| Sharon: |
Stanley, what are you doing with those calves? |
| Stan: |
[points an accusing finger at Rancher Bob and
approaches] That asshole is gonna kill them and feed them to people! |
| Randy: |
Stanley, they belong to him. |
| Stan: |
They don't belong to anybody! Please Mom, we don't want
these calves to die. |
| Shelley: |
Let me hit him, Mom! |
| Sharon: |
Stanley, this isn't up for discussion. The rancher is
gonna take his cows back and [points at him] you don't have a choice!
[Stan
looks dejected, then defiant. He closes his door and locks himself in
with Butters and Kyle. Sharon then pounds on the door and tries to open
it] Stanley! Stanley, you open this door right now or you're gonna get
it! |
| Stan: |
No! |
| Randy: |
Stan, you're behaving like a kid! |
| Stan: |
You're
the ones who made me eat veal without telling me what it was! You're
the onew who know we were making little baby animals suffer! [walks off
to his right] |
| Sharon: |
Open this door, now! |
| Stan: |
[pushing his dresser into place against the door] Kiss
my ass! |
| Butters: |
Oh Jeez, he said "ass" to his parents. |
| Kyle: |
You're getting in pretty deep, dude. [Stan glares back
with a look of determination] |
| |
[Stan's house, living room.
The adults have gone back downstairs.] |
| Sharon: |
I apologize for this, Mr. rancher person. |
| Rancher Bob: |
Oh, why, why don't you just tell them that the cows
will be safe. And when they come out I can take them back. |
| Sharon: |
I can't lie to my son, okay? If I betrayed him like
that, I'd pay for it the rest of my life. |
| Rancher Bob: |
Well
that's just too bad. Look it, that's eight hundred dollars' worth of
veal up there and I have to ship it out Friday. What are you goin' to
do, Officer Barbrady? |
| Officer
Barbrady: |
Me?? How did I get into this mess? |
| |
[Stan's room. Stan paces the
floor.] |
| Kyle: |
So what happens now? |
| Stan: |
I'm gonna lock myself in here with these cows until we
have a guarantee of their safety, in writing. |
| Kyle: |
We're with you, dude. |
| Butters: |
Yeah. |
| Stan: |
[serious]
Don't be so sure. Because I'm gonna tell you: this is gonna get ugly.
Real ugly. When all is said and done you could all be looking at being
grounded for three, perhaps even four weeks. So if any of you guys want
out, just say the word now. |
| Cartman: |
I want out. |
| Stan: |
[glares] Shut up, Cartman. |
| Kyle: |
We're with you, Stan. |
| Butters: |
Hey y-yeah. W-w-we can't let those little baby cows
down. Why, they've got no one else to turn to. |
| Stan: |
Then it's settled. One for all and all for one! Except
Cartman. |
| Kyle, Butters: |
Yeah! |
| Cartman: |
Yeah! Wait-what? |
| |
[Stna's house, living room,
night. Kyle's parents have joined the other adults.] |
| Sharon: |
And
so that's the situation. Our boys have locked themselves in Stan's room
until we can promosie them the calves will live free, in writing. |
| Sheila: |
Well, this is ridiculous! I don't know how you raise
your kids, but my son does not play negotiator with me! |
| Sharon: |
We excuse me, Sheila, but it wasn't that simple! |
| Sheila: |
HA! Give me fifteen seconds with Kyle and I'll have
that door open! [the adults leave the living room and go up the stairs,
stopping at Stan's door] Kyle?! [pounds on the door] This is your
mother! You will open this door right now! |
| Kyle: |
[pause] ...No I won't. |
| Sharon: |
[gets to retort] Yes, I see what you mean, Sheila.
[Sheila looks at her] That was very impressive. |
| Sheila: |
[turns back to the door] Kyle, if you don't do as
you're told, I'm going to be very angry! |
| Kyle: |
Well you made me eat veal and didn't tell me what it
was. So go ahead and be angry, you baby calf-killing bitch! |
| Sharon: |
[folds her arms] Very persuasive. |
| Sheila: |
[starts pounding away furiously at the door] AAAAA!
Open this door!! Open this door!! |
| Chris: |
[calms Sheila down and takes over] Whoa-ho-ho, let, let
me try. [faces the door] Butters? [slight zoom-in on Butters] Butters,
this is your father. |
| Butters: |
[to the boys] Oh, sweet Jesus. Uh, what do I do? |
| Stan: |
Be strong, Butters. You knew it would come to this. |
| Chris: |
Butters? Answer me! |
| Butters: |
[to the boys] But they-ah they're angry at me. |
| Kyle: |
Don't panic. I'll tell you what to say. [begins to
whisper in Butters' ear] You can tell them... |
| Chris: |
Butters! Right now! |
| Butters: |
Dad, uh, why don't you suck my fat one? |
| Chris: |
WHAT?! |
| Butters: |
Oh, sweet Jesus. |
| Chris: |
[turnsn to the other adults] What's gotten into them? |
| Sharon: |
Alright, Stanley, this has gone on long enough! Your
little game is over! |
| Stan: |
This isn't a game, Mom. We're not coming out until know
the calves will be safe. |
| Sharon: |
Well
that's fine! You boys can just stay in there and starve to death. Us
parents are going to go to Pizza Shack and have pepperoni pizza and ice
cream. |
| Cartman: |
[weakening] Oh, God-damnit you guys. |
| Kyle: |
Cartman, stay away from that door! |
| Sharon: |
You'll have to come out sooner or later, boys. The
longer you wait, the more trouble you'll be in. [the adults walk away,
but Sheila stops and turns back to the door.] |
| Sheila: |
[pounds on the door once more] Mmmrragh!! |
| Stan: |
[sighs] Round one is over. We made it. [the boys gather
in] |
| Cartman: |
We didn't make it! Your mother's right, douchebag! What
are we gonna do? Stand here until we starve?! |
| Stan: |
Our parents would never let us starve. They're
bluffing. This is a battle of wills. If we hold out long enough,
they'll give in. |
| Kyle: |
But we will have to sleep, dude. |
| Stan: |
Three of us can sleep while one keeps watch. We'll
shift every couple of hours. |
| Butters: |
[finding a way to relate] Hehey! This is gonna be just
like Vietnam, huh fellas! Whoopie! |
| Stan: |
We'll stay in this room with these baby cows for as
long as it takes! [one calf take a dump on the carpet, another walks up
and takes a piss on it] |
| |
[Stan's
house, living room, after dinner. The women wait at the sofa while the
men try to reason with the boys. Liane is now present as Sheila crosses
her arms and pats her left shoulder with her right hand. Moments later,
the men come down the stairs] |
| Randy: |
Well we tried everything. We can't get through the door
without tearing apart the house. |
| Gerald: |
Dear God, it's been over thirteen hours! |
| Liane: |
Oh, but my poor little poopsie must be getting so
hungry. Maybe we should get them a little food. |
| Sharon: |
Ms. Cartman, this is a battle of wills. We need our
boys to know that we're not gonna cave in, at all. |
| Liane: |
Oh, all right. |
| Sheila: |
Let's all just go to bed and let them play their little
game for as long as they can. |
| |
[Stan's
room, night. From outside, his room is the only one lit. Inside,
Cartman, Kyle and Butters are in his bed while Stan sits at his desk] |
| Butters: |
Good night, fellas! |
| Kyle: |
Good night. |
| Butters: |
[to the calves]
Good night, Patches. Good night, Halloway. Good night, Nepture. Good
night, Davis. Good night, Bud. Good night, Red. Good night, Paulette.
Good night, Chastity. |
| Cartman: |
Butters, I'm going to kill you over and over again. |
| |
[Stan's
room, fade to day. Hour 29. The boys are all drowsy and a little
disheveled. Stan sits on his bed stroking a calf, Butters sits on the
floor, Cartman rests against a calf, Kyle holds his stomach] |
| Cartman: |
Can't go on. Need... food... |
| Kyle: |
We didn't realize hunger made you feel so bad. |
| Cartman: |
There's only one alternative, you guys. We're gonna
have to eat a calf. |
| Stan: |
No, Cartman, we're not eating a calf! |
| Cartman: |
All right. Then we're gonna have to eat Butters.
[points] |
| Kyle: |
[looks back at Stan] He might be right, dude. |
| Butters: |
Aw, heck. [a basket floats up to the window on a pole] |
| Stan: |
Wait, what is that? [points to the basket. The other
three boys turn. Cartman approaches the window and takes the basket]
Dude! |
| Cartman: |
Food! |
| |
[Stan's house, outside. Liane
lowers her pole as Sharan and Sheila go outside to see what's going on.] |
| Sharon: |
Ms. Cartman, what are you doing? |
| Liane: |
Oh, I just can't stand to see my baby suffer |
| Sharon: |
Oh dear God, you've ruined everything. |
| |
[Stan's room, moments later.
The boys take shares of food out of the basket.. Stan walks away with
two apples.] |
| Kyle: |
All right! |
| Stan: |
See? Now we can hold out for weeks! |
| Cartman: |
Look you guys! Beef jerky! |
| Kyle: |
Yeah! And fried chicken! [Cartman sits at a corner
chewing on his apples.] |
| Stan: |
[sensing a lapse] Wha? [rises and walks to his bed,
where the other boys sit eating] |
| Kyle, Cartman: |
Mmmmm. |
| Stan: |
Dude, what are you guys doing? |
| Kyle: |
We're eating, dude. |
| Stan: |
You're eating meat! What the hell do you guys think
we're doing all this for?! |
| Kyle: |
Hey! I'm doing it to save little baby cows. I'm not
gonna stop eating meat altogether. |
| Butters: |
Me neither. |
| Cartman: |
Yeah, if you don't eat meat at all, you become a pussy. |
| Stan: |
[returns to his corner] That's fine! You guys can live
off of flesh, but I'm never eating meat again! |
| Cartman: |
Go ahead, that's more for us. [tempts the calf next to
him with some beef jerky] You want some beef jerky, buddy? Yes, who's
the buddy? Who's hungry? [the calf starts chewing on it] Who's the
hungry man? |
| Kyle: |
[looks over] Dude, that's messed up. [Stan looks as
well, but goes back to his apples] |
| |
[Stan's
house, night, Hour 34. Police and fire departments and an ambulance are
at the house, with a kleig light shining into Stan's room from the fire
truck. Inside, Stan sits on the floor still eating his apples, Cartman
stands next to the chair, Butters sits on the bed. The sound of
breaking news is heard] |
| Kyle: |
You guys, check this out! [a
TV now sits where the football normally is, and the picture shown is
that of Stan's house. The other boys join Kyle in looking at the news
report from News 4] |
| Field Reporter: |
Tom,
I'm standing in front of the house where three insane boy terrorists
have barricaded themselves inside a room with twenty-three live infant
cattle. |
| Butters: |
Hey, look. Some other kids are doin' the same thing we
are. [Cartman looks at him, then slugs him hard] Eugh |
| Field Reporter: |
Several
attempts to break into the room have proven unsuccessful, Tom, and the
crisis is intensifying. Here's what some people have to say. |
| Craig's
father, Tom: |
[with wife and son] We were sleeping when suddenly we
heard all the commotion. I mean, to think this could happen right here
in our own community. [Craig shows his right middle finger to the
camera. Next, the boys' parents are shown] |
| Randy: |
We gave those kids everything, and they turned into
little... John Walkers! |
| Field Reporter: |
The police chief of South Park says that there will be
no negotiations with terrorists. |
| Butters: |
Oh no. Eh this is big-time trouble now, fellas. |
| Stan: |
No, this is exactly what we wanted. |
| Kyle: |
It is? |
| Stan: |
Yeah,
don't you see? This validates everything that we're doing. If we're
making the news, then this is obviously important to people. |
| Field Reporter: |
Tom,
it looks like I have an update: Yes, it looks like the boy terrorist
story is not interesting news to anyone. Uh, nothing else was going on,
Tom, so this was the only story we had to make seem important,
but people are just simply tuning out. So, HBC will now be switching
programming once again to "Puppoies from Around the World." |
| |
[the
news break switches to a series of dog scenes. First, dalmatians run
across a field to the tune of bagpipes, then a small dog looks around
to the tune of Chinese music, then a puppy in a basket as a mariachi
band is heard, then another dog is shown, then another, then a puppy is
shown following a tennis ball, then another dog plays with the camera
as more mariachi music is heard] |
| Stan: |
[the boys are stunned] ...I don't believe it. |
| Butters: |
Ehuh, the Chinese puppy's... my favorite so far. |
| |
[Stan's
house, fade to day. Hour 53. Stan and Butters are sleeping, and
Butters, sleeping face down, has his left arm across Stan's chest. Stan
stirs and opens his eyes.] |
| Stan: |
[notices the situation] Butters? Buh-Butters! You have
your arm around me! [Butters stirs and turns around] |
| Butters: |
[waking] Oh, sorry. I thought you were Mr. Pickles.
[voices are heard outside and the boys sit up, then move towards the
window] |
| Voices: |
We must help the helpless, we must save the unsaved |
| Kyle: |
Huh, what the hell is that? |
| Hippies: |
If we... fight together we can make sure the road is
paved.
For a... brighter tomorrow... |
| Cartman: |
Hippies! |
| Stan: |
What are they doing here? |
| Hippie: |
[on bullhorn] We're with you boys! Your message is real
and your voice is just. [the other hippes start cheering] |
| Hippies: |
Hooray! Hooray! |
| Kyle: |
Dude! Those gaywads are on our side? |
| Butters: |
Ew, they're all dirty. |
| Cartman: |
What did I tell you, Stan! We save some baby cows from
being eaten, and now we're no-good dirty God-damned hippies! |
| |
[Stan's
house, night, Hour 75. Police and fire departments and an ambulance
have returned. HBC News is there again with its field reporter] |
| Field Reporter: |
Tom, the calf terrorist standoff continues as now
members of the FBI arrive to put an end to the conflict. [FBI vehicles
speed in and FBI agents pour out of the vehicles] |
| Sharon: |
[not believing what she sees] Oh Jesus Christ. [slaps
her hand to her forehead] |
| FBI Agent: |
Who's in charge here? |
| Officer
Barbrady: |
I am. But I don't want to be. |
| FBI Agent: |
Where's the negotiator? |
| FBI Negotiator: |
Right here! Glen Dumont, Negotiator Squad |
| FBI Agent: |
All right, see what you can do. |
| |
[Stan's room. Stan is petting
a calf. Kyle looks on. Stan coughs and sniffs] |
| Kyle: |
Dude, are you okay? |
| Stan: |
Aw, I just feel so rundown. I don't know what's wrong
with me. I've got these sores. [lifts up his shirt to show the sores to
the others] |
| Butters: |
What is that? |
| Kyle: |
Dude, maybe we should end this. |
| Stan: |
No! |
| |
[Stan's
house, outside. The negotiator walks up to the negotiation van, which
has all the equipment he needs to handle a negotiation] |
| Glen Dumont: |
Give me a hard line to the phone in that house! [a
squad member gets on it] |
| Officer
Barbardy: |
The terrorists already said there's no way they're
coming out. |
| Glen Dumont: |
[receives the phone]
Don't worry, I'm a negotiator. It's my job to talk to freaks like this
and bring about a peaceful resolution using clever psychology. |
| |
[Stan's room. The phone rings
and Stan goes to answer it] |
| Stan: |
Hello? |
| Glen Dumont: |
Hello, my name is Mike. I'm a negotiator. Is it okay if
I talk to you? |
| Stan: |
Ah, hold on. [turns to the other boys] It's some
negotiator named Mike. What do I do? |
| Kyle: |
Don't give him anything! |
| Stan: |
Waht do I say?? |
| Cartman: |
[walks up to Stan and takes over] Dah, give me that!
[takes the receiver from Stan] Talk to me Mike. |
| Glen Dumont: |
I'm here to make sure we can all end this peacefully.
You want that, right? |
| Cartman: |
Sure, sure. |
| Glen Dumont: |
How about we make a trade, just show that we can trust
each other. |
| Cartman: |
What do you have in mind? |
| Glen Dumont: |
Well, how about you send out one of the calves? |
| Cartman: |
Oh, Mike, you're breakin' my balls here, Mike. |
| Glen Dumont: |
Just one, that's all we want. |
| Cartman: |
All right, how 'bout this? You guys have all the
leverage and we have nothing. So how about we give you one calf... - |
| Stan: |
Cartman, no! |
| Kyle: |
Dude! [Cartman holds out his palm to silence them] |
| Cartman: |
[clears his throat] We'll give you one calf, if you
give us... some guns and ammunition of our own. |
| Glen Dumont: |
What? I, I can't do that. |
| Cartman: |
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were talkin' here, but I
guess you're not talkin' to me. Goodbye. |
| Glen Dumont: |
No
no wait, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Yuh, you're right. What reason do
you have to trust me? I'm just a guy from Lakewood trying to make ends
meet, you know? Just a blue-collar guy like your dad. |
| Cartman: |
Don't have a dad, Mike. That's not gonna work. |
| Glen Dumont: |
[trumped] Oh. All right, fine, son of a gun, let me see
what I can do. |
| |
[Stan's house, night, Hour
154. The authorities are still there, waiting out the standoff] |
| Glen Dumont: |
Okay. Up a little... left a little... [a crane lifts a
box of ammunition towards Stan's window. Kyle and Butters wait for it]
Almost there. |
| Randy: |
[arrives with Sharon] What is that? |
| Glen Dumont: |
We're giving the boys some guns in return for our calves |
| Randy: |
What? |
| Sharon: |
You're giving my baby guns? |
| Glen Dumont: |
[snaps back] Hey, this is a negotiation process, okay?
Did you people go to negotiator school? No, you didn't! [walks off in a
huff to the negotiation van] Get them on the line for me! |
| Cartman: |
[answers the ringing phone] Hello. |
| Glen Dumont: |
Alright, you see that? I keep my end of the bargain. |
| Cartman: |
All right, we'll keep ours. We'll send out one calf.
[in the background, Kyle takes out the guns, tossing them to Butters] |
| Glen Dumont: |
Well, ha- how about you send out two calves? |
| Cartman: |
Oh, Jesus! You know, there's just no talking to you, is
there, Mike?! [Butters
assembles a machine gun while Kyle inspects a sword. Stan lies by a
corner in a fetal position, on a calf, with more lesions appearing on
his face] |
| Stan: |
O-ogh... |
| Cartman: |
We had a deal! Do you think I'm stupid?! Don't treat me
like I'm stupid here! [Butters plays soldier in the background, moving
his gun around and then saluting while Kyle practices some lunges] |
| Glen Dumont: |
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. [to fellow agents as he holds his
hand over the mouthpiece] Damnit, I'm losing them. [to Cartman] Okay,
I'm sorry. Just send out one calf. |
| Cartman: |
Oh nonono, now you're gonna have to get us something
else! [Kyle
tosses a dud grenade at Butters, who hits it with a spear. The grenade
flies off the bed and onto the floor. Kyle and Butters jump with joy] |
| Glen Dumont: |
What do you have in mind? |
| |
[Stan's house, day. Hour 169.
This makes one week and an hour since the standoff began] |
| Glen Dumont: |
A little to the left... [this time the crane is lifting
a missile] Okay, that's good. A little to the right. [Butters and Kyle
wait by the window again] |
| Sheila: |
You're giving them a missile?? |
| Glen Dumont: |
[losing patience] Stand down, ma'am! Stand down! This
is a delicate process! I've almost earned their trust! |
| |
[Stan's room] |
| Kyle: |
[dabbing Stan's sores with a moist towel] Stan's
getting worse, you guys. |
| Cartman: |
Mike, speak. |
| Glen Dumont: |
How are we doin'? |
| Cartman: |
We got a real sick kid here, Mike. Did you get the
other things for us? |
| Glen Dumont: |
Weh ah I did manage to get the FDA to officially change
the word "veal" to "tortured baby cow." [holds up an FDA document] |
| Cartman: |
Good, good. |
| Glen Dumont: |
But I couldn't get you North and South Dakota. |
| Cartman: |
Oh, Mike, breakin' my balls, Mike. |
| Glen Dumont: |
Now, now please can, can we get you to come out?
[Cartman looks over at Stan, who looks sicker by the minute] |
| |
[Outside Stan's house, night] |
| Glen Dumont: |
All right, everythng has worked out. The boys have
promised to come out and bring the cows out with them. |
| Adults: |
Yes! All right! Woohoo! |
| Officer
Barbrady: |
Whoops, sorry I doubted your abilities, Mr. Negotiator. |
| FBI Agent: |
They're coming out now? |
| Glen Dumont: |
Yes.
All we need to do in return is get a cattle-transporting semi-truck
that will take the boys and the cattle to Denver International Airport,
where we have a fully-gassed airplane waiting to take them all to
Mexico. |
| Sharon: |
What?? |
| Glen Dumont: |
And they want the guy that plays Mr. Worf on "Star
Trek" to drive the truck. [beat] In full makeup. |
| Randy: |
Jesus Christ! |
| FBI Agent: |
All right, that does it! You are in fact the worst
negotiator I've ever seen in action! |
| Glen Dumont: |
All right, all right, I'll give you that. But in
return, I want three staples. |
| FBI Agent: |
Get out of here! [Dumont bolts. The agent talks to
Barbrady] We'll get them the semi, and we'll get them the Worf guy. If
they see that, thay'll come out and then, we could take them. |
| Officer
Barbrady: |
But isn't that dishonest? |
| FBI Agent: |
Maybe
so, but if we don't do something soon, there could be fifty, even sixty
people who'll have to go without veal for dinner. Are you prepared to
let that happen? |
| |
[Outside Stan's house, night.
Hour 201, just after sunset. The semi-truck Cartman ordered arrives.] |
| FBI Agent: |
All right. Where is Mr. Dorn? |
| Michael Dorn: |
[aka Worf, arrives in full makeup] I was woken up at
three in the mornng, told I had to put on makeup, and come to this
town. [folds his arms] What the hell is gong on?! |
| FBI Agent: |
I'm sorry, Mr. Dorn. It's FBI business. We've got
terrorists making demands and we need your help. |
| Michael Dorn: |
This is highly unusual! |
| FBI Agent: |
[on the bullhorn] All right boys, we have your truck.
And we have an airplane on the tarmac at Denver International. |
| Cartman: |
And Worf? |
| Michael Dorn: |
My name is Michael Dorn. I play a character called Worf. |
| Kyle: |
[rushes to Stan] Stan! It worked! |
| Stan: |
[looking very weak and with a few more sores on his
body] It... did? |
| Kyle: |
They got us a truck, and an airplane, and Mr. Worf! The
calves are gonna be okay! |
| Stan: |
Pick me up. I... I want to see. [Kyle picks him up] |
| |
[Outside
Stan's house, night. The authorities prepare for the kids' surrender.
The front door opens and Cartman looks out. The FBI agents take aim.] |
| Cartman: |
Step back! Tell those men to step back! |
| FBI Agent: |
Do it! |
| FBI Agents: |
[lowering their weapons and stepping back] Mmrrrr. |
| Hippies: |
All right! Woohoo! Yeah! |
| Cartman: |
[heads for the street] Aw, shut up, you freakin'
hippies! [approaches the semi-truck, where Michael Dorn now sits at the
wheel. He gets into the passenger side and sits] Alright, Mr. Worf,
start the engine and put her in gear. Oh, amd you must refer to me as
"Captain." |
| Michael Dorn: |
Where am I supposed to drive to? |
| Cartman: |
No. See, must say, "Captain, where am I supposed to
drive to?" |
| Michael Dorn: |
Captain, where am I supposed to drive to? |
| Cartman: |
You're going to back the truck up to the door of the
house so we can safely load in the calves. |
| Michael Dorn: |
This whole thing is ridiculous! |
| Cartman: |
[correcting Dorn] "Captain, this whole thing is
ridiculous!" |
| Michael Dorn: |
[beat, then in a low voice] Captain, this whole thing
is ridiculous. [starts up the engine] |
| Cartman: |
[calls out] Okay, all set! |
| |
[An overhead view of the scene
shows a News 4 helicopter covering the story — from the
camera of another News 4 helicopter] |
| Field Reporter: |
Tom,
it looks as though the terrorists are now loading the baby cows into
the back of a semi. This is still very uninteresting news, Tom. |
| |
[Ground view, inside the
trailer] |
| Butters: |
Okay Cartman! |
| |
[Ground view, on the street] |
| Cartman: |
Step on it, Mr. Worf! [the semi peels off] |
| Boys: |
All right! |
| |
[inside the trailer] |
| Butters: |
We're going! [Kyle grins] |
| Kyle: |
Mexico here we come! [Dorn honks to clear everyone out
of the way.] |
| |
[in the cab. Police cars
follow the semi] |
| Cartman: |
Wait a minute. They're following us! Full speed, Mr.
Worf! |
| Michael Dorn: |
We cannot keep going fast on these icy roads! |
| Cartman: |
[correcting gently] "Captain, we cannot keep going fast
on these icy roads?" |
| Michael Dorn: |
Captain, we cannot keep going fast on these icy roads. |
| Cartman: |
Alright, Mr. Worf. Then reduce speed to forty-five and
maintain distance from those police cruisers. |
| |
[inside the trailer. Stan
casts his eyes down at the floor] |
| Kyle: |
Stan, we're almost there. You've got to hold on. |
| |
[On the street. The semi
passes by Rancher Bob's ranch] |
| FBI Agent: |
Alright, they're in front of the cattle ranch. Hit it!
[another
agent presses a button and a buzzer is heard. A few seconds later
balloons fill up under the semi and lift it off the ground. The whole
thing comes to a stop] |
| Cartman: |
[looks out] Oh, it's a double-cross!! |
| FBI Agent: |
[approaches with his fellow agents] Alright, boys! The
game is over! Get out of the truck with your hands up! |
| |
[in the trailer] |
| Kyle: |
Oh no! No!! |
| |
[in the cab] |
| Cartman: |
What are you waiting for? Go kill them, Worf! |
| Michael Dorn: |
I'm NOT killing anybody! |
| Cartman: |
Egh! Some God-damned Klingon you are! |
| |
[Rancher
Bob's Cattle Ranch, moments later. The FBI agents take the calves into
the veal ranch as the boys stand next to the semi. Michael Dorn is
there as well.] |
| Stan: |
We're sorry, cows. We tried. We tried! |
| FBI Agent: |
[On the bullhorn] Alright boys, just stay right there
until your parents arrive. |
| Michael Dorn: |
Can I go now? |
| Officer
Barbrady: |
Here you go, Mr. Rancher. I got your cattle back for you |
| Rancher Bob: |
Oh. [glances at the stack of veal forming next to him]
Well, it doesn't matter now. |
| Officer
Barbrady: |
What you do mean? |
| Rancher Bob: |
You
see, in the six days since the word "veal" was officially changed to
"little tortured baby cow" the market has gone dry. Seems that people
see "little tortured baby cow" on their menus, they don't feel like
orderin'. |
| Butters: |
Really? |
| Rancher Bob: |
Yep, damn things ain't worth spit now. I'll let 'em
live outside with the other cows and live a normal life. |
| Kyle: |
Do you hear that, Stan? It worked! We've shut down the
veal industry! [Stan doesn't respond. He's passed out] Stan? Stan??
[Butters appears next to them] |
| |
[Hell's
Pass Hospital, next day. The boys and their families are present at
Stan's hospital bed. Stan is half-awake now, hooked up to IVs and all.] |
| Dr. Doctor: |
He's very luck you got him here when you did. He was in
a very advanced state of vaginitis. |
| Randy: |
Vaginitis? |
| Dr. Doctor: |
It
occurs when a person stops eating meat. Those sores on his skin were
actually small vaginas. If we hadn't stopped it in time, Stan would
have eventually just become one great big giant pussy. |
| Kyle: |
Whoa, dude. |
| Dr. Doctor: |
We've got an IV of pure beef blood pumping into Stan's
veins and the... sores are fading. |
| Cartman: |
Thank God we stopped it in time. |
| Stan: |
Well,
I guess we learned somethng today: it's wrong to eat veal because the
animals are so horribly mistreated, but if you don't eat meat at all
you break out in vaginas. |
| Butters: |
Hear hear. |
| Sheila: |
All right boys, it's time to go home. You've got some
serious grounding time to start. |
| Chris: |
I'll say! |
| Butters: |
Aw, we're still grounded? |
| Kyle: |
But, but we, we learned things, and took up a cause. |
| Gerald: |
Yes Kyle, but you still defied your parents. And you
need to learn that terrorism is never the answer. |
| Chris: |
That's right, let's get these terrorists to their
rooms. [Sternly] But first, [softens] maybe we can grab some burgers. |
| The Boys: |
All right! |
| |
[End of Fun With Veal] |
