| |
[South Park Catholic Church,
day. Organ music plays. Inside, Priest Maxi is at the pulpit speaking
to the congregation] |
| Priest Maxi: |
Parents,
it's that time of year again when the bishops and priests from around
the country are organizing the Young Men's Catholic Retreat. This year,
we're taking the boys on a weekend boat trip to discuss Jesus's role as
the Navigator of our lives. |
| Stan: |
That sounds pretty fun. |
| Randy: |
[pondering] A Catholic boat trip? [raises
his left eyebrow and begins to daydream. He first sees a ship and disco
music starts to play. What he imagines is "The Catholic Boat," a
television program about cruises on a luxury cruise ship.] |
| Singer: |
The Catholic Boat's gonna be headin' on out today.
The Catholic Boat. Time to throw all of your cares away.
Get some hot Chrisitan action; it'll make you- |
| |
[As
the song is sung, the show's logo appears: "The Catholic Boat." A pink
anchor rises and ushers in the next scene: A happy Father Michaels
stroking his chin. A second anchor, and Young Boy #1 (Butters) is
shown. A third anchor and Father Williams appears. He pulls his shirt
up to expose his chest. The fourth anchor, and Young Boy #2 (Tweek) is
shown. The fifth anchor, and three priests, Fathers Abraham, Duncan,
and Ortiz, are shown partying. Father Abraham falls over laughing.
Father Duncan grabs Father Ortiz behind the head and pushes the head
down... The sixth anchor, and Young Boy #3 (Stan) is shown. A priest's
arm appears, running the index finger all over Stan's face...] |
| Randy: |
[snapping out of it] Waaah! Waaah! [stops. Everyone in
church looks at him, including Priest Maxi] Uyah [coughs a few times
and clears his throat] ahem. 'Scuse me. |
| |
[South
Park Catholic Church, day. Mass ends and the congregants go to their
cars. A crowd gathers around Randy. The McCormicks are present.] |
| Randy: |
Look, I just don't think it's the best idea to let our
boys to go on a c-cruise with the priests. |
| Richard: |
We can let them go, can we? |
| Linda Stotch: |
There's no way my son's going. |
| |
[A black SUV, nearby. Stan,
Cartman and Tweek are in the back seat. Cartman looks out the closed
window.] |
| Stan: |
What are they talking about? |
| Cartman: |
I don't know. |
| Tweek: |
Maybe they wanna kill us. |
| |
[back to the crowd] |
| Randy: |
With everything that's been in the news, I think it's
best to keep our kids... far away from the priests. |
| Stuart: |
[dressed in fur-lined denim] Now, come on, everybody,
just because a few priests in the country have been corrupted doesn't
mean that all priests are child molesters. |
| Richard: |
Well,
sure, that's easy for yuo to say; your son's dead. But those of us with
alive children need to be sure that Father Maxi's on the up-and-up. |
| Sharon: |
I've
heard about other towns bringing in counselors that know how to find
things out from kids without really telling them what's going on. |
| Randy: |
It couldn't hurt. |
| Richard: |
Uh, Sh-sh. Here he comes, here he comes. [all fall
silent, then start whistling as Father Maxi passes by.] |
| Priest Maxi: |
[stops to listen] Uh... Good-bye, everyone. |
| All: |
[not all at once] Good-bye, Father. [resume whistling
as Father Maxi walks off] |
| Chris: |
Alright, then, it's settled. Tomorrow we'll find an
outside counselor and... find out the truth. |
| |
[Park County Community Center,
next day. The boys are chattering when a woman comes in and stands
before them.] |
| Counselor: |
Hi boys. My name is Ms. Gorache and I need to ask you a
few questions about your priest, okaaay? |
| Boys: |
Okay. |
| Counselor: |
Okay. Would you say that Father Maxi is... nice? Or
mean? |
| Boys: |
[separately] Nice. |
| Stan: |
Um, cool. |
| Counselor: |
Okaaay, what words would you use to describe your
priest? [long pause] |
| Butters: |
Compassionate. |
| Counselor: |
Okay. And did Father Maxi, at any time, ever try to put
somethig in your butt? [long pause] |
| Cartman: |
Ih... in our... butt? |
| Counselor: |
You don't need to be ashamed or embarassed. Just, did
he ever try to put anythig in your butt? |
| Stan: |
...Like ...money? What? |
| Butters: |
You mean, like a goldfish? |
| Counselor: |
No, no. Did he ever try to put anythig that belonged to
him in your butt? |
| Boys: |
[in unison] No. |
| |
[The Community Center,
hallway. The parents wait for the counselor to finish talking with the
boys] |
| Thomas: |
This is ridiculous, havin' to sit out here waitin' to
find out if our priest molested our kids. |
| Man: |
Yeah, what what has Catholicism come to anyway? |
| Randy: |
[rising. The others on his bench rise with him]
You know, I think we've just had it with the Church. All the horrible
things they've done to kids, I... I think I'm gonna become an atheist! |
| Richard: |
That's a good idea. I'm gonna be an atheist too. |
| Linda Stotch: |
Let's all be atheists! |
| All: |
Yeah, yeah, alright. |
| Man: |
If there was a god, why would he let our kids be
molested in the first place? |
| Chris: |
Yeah, let's kill God, yeah! |
| Randy: |
Well uh, let's, let's just be atheists. |
| Chris: |
[thinks a bit, then looks at Randy] ...Same thing. |
| Randy: |
Yeah! [all clamor and charge out of the center] |
| |
[South Park proper, on the
curb. Stan, Cartman, and Tweek sit and think about stuff...] |
| Stan: |
What would the priest ...possibly want to put in our
butts? [silence. Only birds are heard] |
| Cartman: |
[thinking] Maybe... No. |
| Kyle: |
[stopping by] Hey dudes. |
| Stan, Cartman: |
Hey. |
| Tweek: |
Arr! |
| Kyle: |
What are you guys doin'? |
| Stan: |
We had to go meet with this counselor lady, and she
asked us if the priest every put anything in our butts. |
| Kyle: |
In your butts? |
| Cartman: |
Yeah, isn't that the damnedest thing? |
| Kyle: |
Why would he puyt anything in your butts? |
| Stan: |
We don't know. We're- that's what we're tryin' to
figure out. |
| Cartman: |
Hm. |
| Kyle: |
[joins them on the curb] Hm. [long pause] |
| Chef: |
[stopping by] Hello there, children! |
| Stan: |
Chef! What would a priest want to stick up my butt? |
| Chef: |
Good-bah! [leaves quickly] |
| Tweek: |
Rrrh. Nobody is going to tell us. This is going to
drive me insane! |
| Kyle: |
Calm down, Tweek. There has to be a rational
explanation. |
| Cartman: |
Aw, dude, I think I might have it. |
| Stan: |
What? |
| Cartman: |
[gets up and starts pacing] It makes perfect sense.
Okay, w-work with me on this: if you eat food, you crap out yoru butt,
right? |
| Kyle: |
Yeah. |
| Cartman: |
Alright,
now keep working with me here, it's getting a little complicated. If
you eat food and crap out yoru butt, then maybe, if you stuck food in
your butt, you crap out your mouth. [long pause] Hm? |
| Kyle: |
Cartman, that's the dumbest thing you've ever said -
this week! |
| Cartman: |
What,
that's not dumb. Think about it: food goes in the mouth, comes out the
butt. Food goes in the butt, comes out the mouth. That's not dumb,
that's genius. |
| Kyle: |
It wouldn't work! |
| Cartman: |
Have you ever tried it? |
| Kyle: |
I don't need to. It wouldn't work. |
| Cartman: |
I bet you twenty buck it'll work! |
| Kyle: |
You're on, fat boy! |
| Cartman: |
Okay, let's go, Jew! [Cartman rushes off and Kyle
follow. Stan and Tweek remain seated on the curb.] |
| Parents: |
[pass by in a crowd screaming] Yeah, yeah! Down with
God! Down with God! |
| Randy: |
Stan, you're an atheist now! |
| Richard: |
You too, Tweek! |
| Parents: |
[moving on] Yeah, yeah! Down with God! Down with God! |
| Tweek: |
I'm a what?? |
| |
[Diocesan headquarters, day.
Sixteen priests are present in the boardroom, with Fatherh Maxi
presiding] |
| Priest Maxi: |
Fathers, I want to thank you all for coming. |
| Priest 1: |
[African-American]
No, thank you for finally organizing an all-priests meeting, Father
Maxi. I think we all agree something has to be done, quickly. [the
other priests concur] |
| Elderly Priest: |
Well, I don't know how it's been for all of you, but
attendance at my church in Fort Rawlins is down sixty-three precent!
[pounds on the table for emphasis] |
| Priest 2: |
I'm down almost seventy in Greenleaf. |
| Priest Maxi: |
Uh-yes, uh, I'm afraid if things keep going the way
they are, we could lose our entire religion. |
| Elderly Priest: |
Yes, we've gotta stop these boys from goin' to the
public! |
| Fat Priest: |
They've gotta know to keep their mouths shut! |
| Other priests: |
That right, yeah. |
| Priest Maxi: |
Right, and so... wa- wait a minute. What? |
| Priest 1: |
Yes,
but we've got to find out why these children are suddenly finding it
necessary to report that they're being molested. Stop the problem at
its source. |
| Priest 2: |
Yes, but how? |
| Priest 3: |
[amid discussion] Somethng has to be done. |
| Priest 4: |
We've got to stop this- |
| Priest Maxi: |
[rising] Whoa, whoa, hold on a second! The problem is
that children are being molested, not that they're reporting it! [all
fall silent] |
| Elderly Priest: |
How do you mean? |
| Priest Maxi: |
Well,
I mean, obviously, what we need to put a stop to is all the sexual
misconduct that is allowed to take place in our churches, and not just
tell the children not to tell anybody about it. I mean, right? |
| Priest 1: |
Well did any of the children you've molested come
forward? |
| Priest Maxi: |
No. |
| Priest 1: |
Well, that's good. |
| Priest Maxi: |
No, I mean! I've never molested any of the children in
my church! |
| Elderly Priest: |
Hih-it's okay, Father Maxi. We're all priests here; the
doors are closed. |
| Priest Maxi: |
Oh
for the love of God! Are you all saying that you've engaged in
inappropriate relations with your altar boys? We are here to bring the
light of God, not harm the innocent! [the other priests look at him and
laugh] I'm serious! |
| Priest 2: |
Father, uh, having sex with boys is part of the
Catholic priest's way of life. |
| Other priests: |
Yeah. [they continue to talk, but Father Maxi isn't
listening...] |
| Priest Maxi: |
Dear God. This problem is much more severe than I could
have possibly imagined. I have to go to the Vatican and get help. |
| |
[South
Park Elementary School, boys' bathroom, day. A group of fourth-grade
boys gather around a toilet as Cartman stands before it trying to crap
into it... with his mouth.] |
| Kyle: |
Well, Cartman? |
| Cartman: |
[turns to look at Kyle] Hold on! [turns back to the
task at hand] God, let a man crap! |
| Craig: |
[entering] What's going on? |
| Stan: |
Cartman shoved food up his ass and now he's tryin' to
crap out his mouth. |
| Craig: |
Oh. [leaves] |
| Kyle: |
Well, go on, smartass, and do it! |
| Cartman: |
I'm doin' it already!! God, give me a minute! |
| Stan: |
You've had five, dude! |
| Cartman: |
[looking at the boys] I can't-, I can't do it with you
guys watching. Turn around. |
| Kyle: |
No! Because you'll just crap out your butt and then say
it came out of your mouth! |
| Cartman: |
Ugh! Do you really think I'd be that deceitful, you
guys?! [the other boys fix their gaze at him] Ugh, goddamnit you guys,
this si so seriously. [tries
again. A few spasms later and a big log of crap comes out his mouth and
into the toilet. All the boys are stunned, even Cartman.] |
| Kyle: |
Get the fuck out of here! |
| Cartman: |
[excited] Yes!! Yes, I DID IT!! I crapped out my mouth!
[starts chanting] I crapped out my mo-outh! [walks over to Kyle] You
owe me twenty bucks, dickface! |
| |
[Vatican City, Italy. Father
Maxi has made it to St. Peter's Square. He exits a taxi cab.] |
| Priest Maxi: |
[to the driver] Well, there you go. Um, grazie. [the
driver leaves, Father Maxi turns to walk to the Vatican] Wow, I'm
actually here. Vatican City! [looks
at the fountains on either side of the square. Inside the Vatican a
choir sings softly in the background as Father Maxi awaits the pope.
The room is full or prelates. The pope, hunched over and frail,
approaches the altar with a group of bishops] |
| Italian
Cardinal: |
Your Holiness, this is Father Maxi from America. He has
brought this all to our attention. |
| Father Maxi: |
[kneels before the pope] Your Holiness. [kisses
the ring and the pope moans a bit in pain. The cardinal helps the pope
up to his chair, then turns amd approaches the pulpit.] |
| Italian
Cardinal: |
Adoramus te, Christe. |
| Other
Cardinals: |
Et dominus... |
| Italian
Cardinal: |
Cardinals,
bishops, and priests, an American priest by the name of-a Maxi has
brought to our attention the most troubling of news. All over his-a
country there are reports of children being molested by men of the
Chuch. If things continue this way, we'll never be able to have sex
with young boys again! [the prelates react immediately, protesting the
report] |
| Father Maxi: |
That's right-wait. What? |
| French
Cardinal: |
In France as well we are finding it harder and harder
to... make love to our boys. |
| Moroccan
Cardinal: |
In Morocco they have arrested five of my priests. It's
only a matter of time before they get the rest of us. |
| Italian
Cardinal: |
Father Maxi, what do you suggest we do to not get
caught. |
| Father Maxi: |
Not get caught? NO!! I, I think what we should do is
not have sex with boys! [the prelates protest again] |
| Italian
Cardinal: |
It is not written anywhere in the Holy Document of
Vatican Law that sex with-a boys is wrong.. |
| Father Maxi: |
Well, maybe we need to change the Holy Document of
Vatican Law. [the prelates protest even louder] |
| British
Cardinal: |
Speaking
on behalf of the British Catholics, it is obvious that the priest
doesn't realize that the Holy Document of Vatican Law can not be
changed! |
| The Clergy: |
[more protests] Yeah! It cannot be changed! Yeah! |
| Gelgamek
Cardinal: |
Yes, and speaking on behalf of the Gelgamek Catholics,
I believe we should move on to other solutions to this problem. [the
prelates protest even louder] |
| Priest Maxi: |
Gelgameks? |
| |
[Kyle's
house, night. Cartman walks alone to the front door and rings the
doorbell. Kyle comes to answer it. He opens the door...] |
| Cartman: |
Kyle, could you help me out? I need some advice. [puts
his hands behind his back oh so modestly] |
| Kyle: |
What? |
| Cartman: |
It's just that... I can't decide what to buy with your
twenty dollars! [Kyle gets upset]
I was thinking of getting this mega-man racer for $19.95, or I could
get two Broncos trading packs for ten apiece. And then I thought- [Kyle
shuts the door on him, looks, then turns around and walks away from the
door. Cartman pops up outside a window waving the bill at him. Kyle
turns, goes to the window, and lowers the blinds, then walks off] |
| |
[Stan's house, dinnertime.
Sharon brings out hanburgers from the kitchen] |
| Randy: |
Oh boy, now that we're atheists we don't have to pray
for our food. |
| Sharon: |
That's right, everyone just dig in. [Grandpa takes a
bite from his burger] So, kids,anything happen with your whole Sunday
off? |
| Stan: |
Uh, Cartman shoved his lunch up his ass and crapped out
his mouth. |
| Sharon: |
Stanley! [Shelley isn't too pleased to hear that] |
| Stan: |
What? He did. |
| Randy: |
Noho, it doesn't work that way, son. |
| Stan: |
Yeah it does. |
| Randy: |
No it doesn't. |
| Stan: |
[firmly] Yeah. It does. [Randy looks at him angrily,
then wonders if it could be...] |
| |
[Stan's
house, bedtime. Randy is in his pajamas kneeling before the toilet.
He's now trying to crap out his mouth. After much effort, a log of crap
comes out his mouth and into the toilet. Randy is stunned] |
| Randy: |
Honey! Honey, come quick! |
| |
[St. Peter's Square, day.
Father Maxi is trying to get his point across] |
| Priest Maxi: |
Look,
people! I'm just trying to say that if we don't change the Holy
Document of Vatican Law, then we might lose everyone to atheism! |
| French
Cardinal: |
What exactly do you suggest we change, Father Maxi. |
| Priest Maxi: |
Well, for one, no sex with boys. [the prelates protest
even louder] |
| Another
Cardinal: |
The Holy Document of Vatican Law states that a priest,
bishop, or cardinal cannot get married, so where are we to get our sex? |
| Priest Maxi: |
Uh
well then, perhaps we could change the Holy Document of Vatican Law to
say that... it's okay for a priest or bishop or cardinal to have sex...
with women. [the prelates protest even louder] |
| French
Cardinal: |
Women? |
| Gelgamek
Cardinal: |
The Gelgamek vagina is three feet wide and filled with
razor-sharp teeth. Do you really expect us to have sex with them?! |
| Priest Maxi: |
Wuh- okay, m-maybe we just need to forget about the
Gelgameks for a second and focus- |
| Gelgamek
Cardinal: |
What's that about the Gelgameks?! [the other Gelgamek
clergy protest loudly] |
| Priest Maxi: |
I'm
just saying, what works on planet Gelgamek isn't necessarily goin' ta
work for the rest of us here, on Earth. You see? That's the problem
we're having here. |
| Italian
Cardinal: |
But-a the Holy Document of Vatican Law cannot be
changed! |
| Priest Maxi: |
Why not?! |
| Another
Cardinal: |
Because we don't know where it is. |
| Italian
Cardinal: |
You
see, Father, the Holy Document of Vatican Law has been hidden away deep
in the Catacombs of-a St. Peter's below us. Hidden away so that it can
never be changed. |
| Priest Maxi: |
But if we locate it we can make changes to it? |
| A bishop: |
HA!
Good luck, father! The document is guarded by water lizards, rattle
snakes and sand traps! The fools who have tried before to recover it
met their deaths! |
| Priest Maxi: |
Well we have to try. Our religion is dying! |
| |
[Stan's house. He, Kyle, and
Tweek watch television. The front door closes off screen.] |
| Cartman: |
[arriving] You guys! You guys! Look! [he's dressed in a
bathrobe, swim trunks, and sandals] |
| Tweek: |
Harrr! |
| Cartman: |
I went down to the bank and got Kyle's twenty-dollar
bill turned into twenty single-dollar bills. |
| Stan: |
So? |
| Cartman: |
So? So now I can do this! [takes off his robe, throws
the bills in the air, and rolls around in the floating bills.] Yeess!
Yeess, Kyle's money! Mmmm, Kyle's money! |
| Kyle: |
[simmers quietly, then] Go fuck yourself, Cartman! |
| Cartman: |
[luxuriating in the bills] Oh, it feels so good on my
skin! Mmmm. |
| Kyle: |
[gets off the couch and confronts Cartman] Get up, fat
boy! I'm gonna kick your ass! |
| Cartman: |
Gee Kyle, don't be a sore loser. It's over, okay? I
won. Let it go. |
| Kyle: |
So you crapped out of your mouth! Good for you! It's
still stupid and immature! [a news bulletin's music is heard] |
| Stan: |
Dude, look. |
| News Anchor: |
[the News 4 set is shown]
Our top story tonight, the age-old question has been answered: if I put
food up my ass, will I crap out my mouth? All over the country, people
are discovering that, yes, in fact, you will. [a new picture pops up]
The sugeon-general had this to say: |
| Surgeon-General: |
And
the uh immediate research shows that the act is not only amusing, but
in fact much healthier for out bodies than the old way of eating.
[stands next to a cut-away graphic of the human torso]
You see, food entering through the anus has the benefit of being broken
down on its way to the stomach rather than afterward. And therefore I
believe that interorectogestion would actually put a stop to high
cholesterol and most kinds of stomach cancers. And I base that on
absolutely nothing. |
| News Anchor: |
The Surgeon-General's response has made Americans
change their eating habits almost instantly. |
| Cartman: |
[with a solid retort] That's stupid and immature,
Cartman! |
| Kyle: |
[moves closer to Cartman] It is stupid and immature! So
you got people to crap out of their mouths! What do you want, a feakin'
medal?! |
| News Anchor: |
The Mayor of South Park has announced that for first
discovering this healthy way of eating, young citizen [Cartman's
picture appears] Eric Cartman will be given... a freaking medal. |
| Kyle: |
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! |
| |
[A kitchen set in a studio,
day. An attractive woman is busy preparing a dish on the stove] |
| Announcer: |
[a show logo appears...] Now, with more on "Martha
Stewart's Living" [the logo disappears and the camera zooms in]. |
| Martha Stewart: |
In
the past few days we've all heard of the healthy benefits of
interorectogestion, and so making food that can be inserted into the
ass is essential. [begins to move to her left] Now, everyone
knows that some foods are simple to shove up the ass - puddings, soups,
raisins... this is a nice raisin pudding right here - but we can also
still eat our favorite foods. What we're gonna do today is prepare a
Thanksgiving turkey for interorecto. [reaches the turkey and stops]
Now, the key to shoving a turkey up your ass is first wrapping it in
string, keeping the pointy wings neatly at the side. [starts wrapping
the turkey. Two FBI agents show up at the rear of the set] |
| FBI agent: |
Ms. Stewart, we have some questions. |
| Martha Stewart: |
[starts wrapping faster] Not right now, I just wanna
focus on my turkey, [softly] right now. [the agents withdraw. She
finishes and lays the turkey down on a platter]
Now, we're going to baste the turkey with lubricating gel rather than
with juice - this'll help smooth the insertion later on. We still bake
at four hundred degrees for twenty minutes a pound. [leaves that turkey
alone and moves further left to a turkey fresh from the oven] When it's
done we'll get something like this. [grins] So now we're ready to go.
Looks delicious. Let's try it out. [takes
the cooked turkey, moves to a clear area onstage, sets the platter
down, stands the turkey up, moves into position, and sits on the
turkey. Slowly, with grunts every few seconds, she eats the turkey with
her butt] Aaaaa-... Yeah, get it up there. Yeah. AAAA. Yeeaahhhh. [one
final heavy grunt, and a sigh of relief, then she stands up] Phew. And
that is how you eat a turkey. [grins] We'll be right back with more.
[grins, and exit music plays] |
| |
[The
Catacombs under St. Peter's Basilica. Father Maxi, with torch in hand,
walks down a hall past walls with writing on them. He descends some
stairs and crosses a large room, stopping at a door behind which there
is a brightly-lit room.] |
| Old Monk: |
[appears out of nowhere] Beoo! |
| Priest Maxi: |
[jumps back] Ahh, hello. Uh- My name is Father Maxi,
from the United States. |
| Old Monk: |
What do you seek, Father? |
| Priest Maxi: |
I... I'm trying to find the Holy Document of Vatican
Law. ...So that we can make revisions to it. |
| Old Monk: |
That Gospel... [turns around and faces the door] lies
somewhere beyond this door. [turns around] But... many troubles await
thee inside! Only he whose heart truly belongs to the Lord shalla make
it through. |
| Priest Maxi: |
I have to try. Our religion is in trouble, and... and
that scroll may be our only hope! |
| Old Monk: |
Then, prepare yourself. The time of trials begins.
[turns and says to the door] Adoramus te, Christe! [the door becomes
two doors, and they part to show the brilliant room. The old monk
approaches Father Maxi] I wish you luck, Father. [moves to Father's
left side and coaches him]Use all the strength, agility, and faith that
you have. |
| Priest Maxi: |
Very well. Here we go. [enters
and finds himself in a video game environment. He jumps over a hole in
one screen, jumps on the heads of three alligators gingerly in the next
screen, grabs at a rope and swings over a lake to the other side in the
third screen. He reaches the fourth screen. A snake appears in the
underground passageway beneath him] Hmmm, there's a ladder up here.
[climbs down the ladder and sees the snake] Oh my God, a rattlesnake!
[turns and runs past the ladder to the next screen, where another
ladder awaits] A way back up! [climbs
up and rushes out of there. He enters a secret chapel, having survived
all the obstacles to get there. He's quite beaten up. The document sits
on a lectern and is well-lit. Father Maxi sighs] I've made it! Praise
be to God! He hath shown me the way! [approaches the document] This
must be it. The Holy Document of Vatican Law. [picks it up and blows
any dust from it.] |
| |
[The
Marsh house, day. Six sets of parents sit around the living room coffee
table. Randy sits on the sofa with the Stotches. Above them hangs a
banner with red letters on white fabric: "SOUTHPARK ATHEISTS' CLUB"] |
| Randy: |
Well,
Sharon and I are havin' a great time bein' atheist. I for one can't
believe I used to live my life by what a very old and very fictional
book used to say. [all laugh] |
| Linda Stotch: |
Well it's true. I mean, what do a bunch of stories
about people in robes slaughtering goats have to do with today's world? |
| Richard: |
Atheism has definitely made our lives better. |
| Sharon: |
[arrives with fresh food and a basket] I made some
quesadillas, if anybody wants some. |
| All: |
Ooohh. |
| Sharon: |
And if anybody needs to potty, there's a potty basket
right here. [sets it down next to the coffee table] |
| Richard: |
Oh thanks, Sharon. |
| Man: |
You know, for Martha and I, we're, we're worried we
might have a hard time raising our son atheist. I mean- [the
quesadillas appear, and he takes one] whoa, thank you -I mean, [rises
and unzips his pants] it could end up being very difficult raising an
atheist child in such a Christian society. [puts the quesadilla up to
his butt and begins eatng it. This causes him to grunt at times. Martha
looks away] I feel that everywhere my poor son goes he's being
persecuted for his beliefs. [finishes eating and zips up] |
| Richard: |
That's
true. If I'm gonna raise my son to be atheist, I don't want him saying
"under God" every day at school. That could really damage him. "Under
God" should be taken out of the- uh, 'scuse me. [turns aside, looks
down, and opens his mouth] Moowwaaagh. [faces the group again and
brushes off any remaining crap with his sweater sleeve] "Under God"
should be taken out of the Pledge of Allegiance. |
| Randy: |
[amid the chatter] That's right, I agree. [the others
quiet down] And it should be taken off of money as well. [gets angry]
The religious right in this country is trying to force our children to
believe what they bel- [reaches for the basket and craps into it]
Bwwaaaagh [finishes and sets the basket down] And we can't let the
religious right corrupt our kids. |
| All: |
That's right, that's right. |
| |
[St. Peter's Basilica, day. ] |
| Italian
Cardinal: |
Cardinals, bishops and priests! Father Maxi has
returned! And he has the Holy Document of-a Vatican Law! [the clregy
ooohs and aaahs] |
| British
Cardinal: |
How did he make it past the water lizards? |
| Priest Maxi: |
[lifts the parchment over his head for all to see]
Yes, I have returned with the Holy Document of Vatican Law, so can we
PLEASE, change it now to say, "It's NOT okay to have sex with boys"? [a
shot of the clergy as the tapping of a staff is heard. It's the pope
striking the ground with it.] |
| Italian
Cardinal: |
Wait wait-a, the pope-a wants-a to say something. [the
cardinal approaches the pope and has words with him, then returns to
the pulpit] The pope-a says we shall ask the highest source. [the
clregy ooohs and aaahs. They begin to sway and chant, and the windows
above brighten as beams of light flood in] |
| Priest Maxi: |
[taken aback] Oh my. [a large screen-size area appears
and a large creature rises from the depths] |
| Italian
Cardinal: |
The holy one! [archnid legs appear] Behold the great
Queen Spider! [sure enough, a spider some twenty feet tall appears] |
| The Clergy: |
Hail Queen Spider! |
| Priest Maxi: |
[looking at the Italian cardinal] Queen spider? |
| Italian
Cardinal: |
O great Queen Spider, we seek a-your guidance. |
| Queen Spider: |
What do you ask of me? |
| British
Cardinal: |
Great Queen Spider, we seek to change one of the
Vatican rules. |
| Queen Spider: |
The Vatican rules cannot be changed. So saith the Spider |
| Italian
Cardinal: |
Go on, Priest Maxi. See if you can convince her. |
| Priest Maxi: |
Alright,
that does it!!! I've had enough!!! You people have completely lost
touch with the outside world! You sit in this big room with your
Gelgameks and your Queen Spider, and none of it applies to what being a
Catholic is all about!! |
| A bishop: |
But the Holy Document of Vatican Law states that- |
| Priest Maxi: |
To hell with the Holy Document of Vatican Law!! [tears
it in two, and the clergy gasps. The basilica begins to tremble and
fall apart and the clergy start screaming in fear. Outside, the square
itself begins to crumble] |
| |
[South Park, day. The boys
stand in front of Stan's house] |
| Cartman: |
[rushes up] You guys, you guys! [drags a small
inflatable wading pool behind him] I took Kyle's twenty dollars down to
the bank again, and I got it changed into quarters! |
| Kyle: |
[irritated] So? |
| Cartman: |
So now I can dump them into this little pool and swim
in them all day long! [picks up the bag of quarters and prepares to
pour them in] Yeessss. Kyle's monneey. [the quarters start pouring in,
and Cartman gloats] |
| Kyle: |
[approaches Cartman and tries a different tack]
Cartman, there's something I need to tell you. |
| Cartman: |
O-hoo, what's that, Kyle? |
| Kyle: |
You were totally, one hundred percent right. |
| Cartman: |
Heh... [the smile vanishes] what? |
| Kyle: |
You
won the bet. You were totally accurate about being able to crap out
your mouth, and I've just been frustrated because I didn't think of it
first. I want you to enjoy that money because... you really impressed
me with your insight and... I'm... proud to have you as a friend. |
| Cartman: |
[taking time to figure out what that means...] You
sonofabitch, Kyle!! I hate you!! [kicks
the pool and it deflates. He walks away angry. Stan and Kyle grin at
each other - they planned this change in tactics. The parents arrive
cheering and holleirng] |
| A man: |
Yeah, the pope is gone! |
| Randy: |
Great news, Stan! The Vatican is burning down! |
| Linda Stotch: |
Score one for us atheists |
| Richard: |
Come on, Tweek! We're gonna watch it on TV! [the
parents resume clamoring and move off] |
| |
[Vatican City, day. The clergy
mill around in the ruins of the Vatican.] |
| Italian
Cardinal: |
Gone! It's all gone! |
| British
Cardinal: |
Well, thanks a lot, Father Maxi. You've killed our
religion. |
| Priest Maxi: |
No I didn't! All that's dead are your stupid laws and
rules! [the scene is being telecast] You've forgotten what being a
Catholic is all about. [raises a Bible] This... book. You see, these
are just stories. [the Marshes are gathered on the sofa to watch this.
Grandpa is asleep in his wheelchair] Stories that are meant to help
people in the right direction. Love your neighbor. Be a good person.
[the Williams are watching]
That's it! And when you start turning the stories into literal
translations of hierarchies and power, well... Well, you end up with
this. [shows off the ruins, and then the Queen Spider, then the
Gelgameks] People are losing faith because they don't see how what
you've turned the religion into applies to them! They've lost touch
with any idea of any kind of religion, and when they have no mythology
to try and live their lives by, well, they just start spewing a bunch
of crap out of their mouths! [The Tweeks are watching. Richard seems to
have crapped out of his mouth] |
| Richard: |
[pause, then looks up] ...What was that last bit? |
| Priest Maxi: |
Look, I, I'm proud to be a Catholic. But I'm a Catholic
in the real world. In today's world! It's time for you all to do that,
too. It is time... for change. |
| |
[Stan's house, after the
telecast] |
| Randy: |
[after a moment of reflection]
He's right, Sharon. We don't have to believe every word of the Bible.
They're just stories to help us to live by. We shouldn't toss away the
lessons of the Bible just because some assholes in Italy screwed it up. |
| Sharon: |
O Randy, I don't wanna put food up my butt anymore. |
| Randy: |
Gang, I think maybe we, owe God an apology. |
| Stan: |
Does this mean we have to go to church on Sundays again? |
| Randy: |
No. It means we get to, son. It means... we get to.
[all of a sudden, one more piece of crap comes out his mouth] |
| |
[End of Red-Hot Catholic Love] |
