| |
[The
Bijou, day, inside. The four boys are seated in the front row in the
nearly empty theater. A couple sits near the back, just three rows
behind.] |
| Stan: |
Oh, cool. A preview. [the curtain goes up and the
preview, for a PG-rated film, airs] |
| Announcer: |
Coming this summer [those words seem to approach the
viewer], it's the classic film that changed America. E.T.: The
Extraterrestrial, the new, redone version for 2002. [First,
the classic shot of the kids flying across the sky with the moon in the
background, then a shot of the kids taking off from the road. The
police who are there to stop the kids have walkie-talkies in hand
instead of guns.] All the E.T. effects have been digitally upgraded. [a
shot of E.T. dressed in drag walking across a room] All the guns have
been digitally changed to walkie-talkies. And the word "TERRORIST" has
been changed to "HIPPIE." |
| Stan: |
Aw, dude, why would they do that? |
| Cartman: |
Yeah, hippies and terrorists are the same thing. |
| Kyle: |
No, dude. They only changed "terrorist" to "hippie" to
make E.T. more P.C. |
| Stan: |
That's gay. [next trailer airs. No rating seen] |
| Announcer: |
Coming this summer, it's the motion picture that
changed America. Saving Private Ryan,
the RE-RE-RELEASE, where the word "NAZI" has been changed to "PERSONS
WITH POLITICAL DIFFERENCES," and all their guns have been replaced by
walkie-talkies. [a shot of the landing at Normandy, in all its bloody
glory, but all the guns are indeed walkie-talkies] |
| Stan: |
Why the hell do these directors keep updating their
movies? |
| Announcer: |
And now, for your feature presentation: the classic
RE-RE-RE-RELEASE of Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back |
| The Boys: |
Woohoo! |
| Announcer: |
In
the version, the word "WOOKIE" has been changed to "HAIR CHALLENGED
ANIMAL" and the entire cast has been digitally replaced by Ewoks. |
| The Boys: |
[first express shock, then anger] AWWWW!!! [they leave
their seats.] |
| |
[The Bijou, day, outside. The
boys exit the theater] |
| Stan: |
Goddamnit, that pissed me off! |
| Cartman: |
[they reach the ticket booth] Yeah, we want our money
back! |
| Shlomo: |
Sorry, suckers! [quickly rolls the blinds down. The
boys turn around] |
| Cartman: |
You asshole! [turns around and catches up with the
other boys] |
| Kyle: |
Why don't they leave those movies alone? We liked them
the way they were! |
| Tweek: |
Don't
you see what this means? All our favorite movies are going to be
changed, and updated, until we can't even recognize them anymore. |
| Stan: |
Tweek
is right. It isn't fair for those asshole directors to keep changing
their movies and making them different! Movies are art, and art
shouldn't be modified! |
| Kyle: |
Yeah, what if they had modified the Roman Coliseum
every year? It would just be another big douchey stadium now. |
| Stan: |
We have to do something. Let's form a club. |
| Cartman: |
Yeah! We can form a club that takes food stamps from
poor people and then sells them back to the government for a profit. |
| Stan: |
No, fatass! I mean a club to protect films from their
directors, so they can't be messed with! |
| Kyle: |
Yeah. We'll be the "Save Films From Their Own
Directors" club |
| Cartman, Stan: |
Yeah |
| Tweek: |
NO!
Nono, ah I don't wanna form a club! That's too much pressure! Look,
ah-I'm supposed to take it easy; just, watch the clouds, sit on the
grass. And, if we form a club there'll be responsibilites. Commitments! |
| Cartman: |
Tweek, now Goddamnit, we picked you to be our new
friend to replace Kenny because we thought you were a team player! |
| Tweek: |
I'm not! I'm not a team player! |
| Cartman: |
Now, either you stop with these faggotronics or we'll
find someone to replace YOU! |
| Tweek: |
[giving in] D'oh-ho! Oh Jesus! |
| |
[South
Park, later. The boys stand next to a phone pole and Stan nails a sign
onto it. He finishes and backs up to have a good look at it.] |
| Cartman: |
Dude, that sign sucks! Nobody's gonna show up! |
| Stan: |
Well what's wrong with it? |
| Cartman: |
Look
at it, dude. You're not offereing any fabulous prizes. You have to
offer fabulous prizes if you want people to show up for your stupid
crap. Here. [takes the marker and adds the words "FRee HAT" at the very
end.] |
| Kyle: |
"Free hat?" |
| Cartman: |
Yeah, if you offer free hats, m-maybe people will show
up. |
| Tweek: |
But we don't have hats! |
| Cartman: |
Well we can just make them out of paper. |
| Tweek: |
Aahh! |
| Cartman: |
It's not hard, it's just a stupid little paper hat.
People just need free stuff - don't you guys know anything?! |
| Tweek: |
You see?? First we were just forming a club, now we
have to make hats! When does it end?? |
| Stan: |
Alright, let's go get the gymnasium ready. Tweek, you
go make fifty hats. [walks off with Cartman and Kyle screen right] |
| Tweek: |
Fifty hats? Oh Jesus! [runs off screen left] |
| |
[Tweek's house, later. He's at
his desk in his room frantically making paper hats. His mug of coffee
sits off to his left] |
| Tweek: |
Ah! I'll never make it! I'll never make it! [his father
happens by and notices the commotion] |
| Richard: |
[approaching with his own mug] Tweek! |
| Tweek: |
[shrieks] Hrrr! |
| Richard: |
Calm down, son. Remember what Dr. Norris told you. Find
your center. |
| Tweek: |
My center. My... center. [closes his eyes and cups his
chest] Calm [enters a state of meditation. Richard turns and leaves,
his cup stays] Cup? [he
finds himself sitting in the Lotus position by the side of a serene
stream in a lovely meadow. All kinds of animals frolic around him, and
a small Buddhist temple sits in the background] |
| Cartman: |
[enormous face appearing over the clouds] Tweek!
[brushes the clouds away with his hands] TWEEK!! [Tweek opens his eyes]
TWEEK!! |
| Tweek: |
[comes out of his meditation] Gaaaaah! |
| Cartman: |
How many hats have you made? |
| Tweek: |
Oh God! |
| Cartman: |
We only have until 10 a.m. tomorrow! [slaps him hard
across the back.] Get the lead out! |
| Tweek: |
Aaaah! Oh God! [Cartman turns and walks out, a rattled
Tweek resumes making the hats.] |
| |
[South
Park Elementary gymnasium, next day. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman stand
outside the doors waiting for Tweek, who rushes up to them with a box
of hats. A poster behind them seems to have fallen off the wall] |
| Tweek: |
You guys, we have a big problem! |
| Stan: |
What? |
| Tweek: |
I was up, all night, making hats. I only slept for an
hour, ...and then I dreamt about making hats, but I only made fifteen! |
| Kyle: |
Calm down, Tweek. Fifteen might be enough. |
| Stan: |
Yeah, let's see if anyone has even shown up yet. [turns
and opens the door, then peeks in. The place is packed. All the
bleachers are filled, and there are five rows of people standing on the
gym floor. He backs out, closes the door, and turns to his friends]
Dude, there's like a thousand people in there! |
| Tweek: |
A thousand? [freaks out] Oh Jesus man! I don't have
nearly a thousand hats! |
| Cartman: |
Then I'mo kick your ass, Tweek! |
| Tweek: |
Goohoo! |
| Kyle: |
[steps forward] Wait. It's okay. Look, maybe these
people all turned out because they believe in saving films. Maybe they
don't even care about the free hats. |
| Crowd: |
[from inside the gym] Free hat! [Kyle turns right, then
left, not believing what he's hearing. Tweek's jaw drops] Free hat!
Free hat! |
| Tweek: |
["Free hat!"] Oh God! |
| Cartman: |
["Free hat! Free hat! Free hat! Free hat!"] I told you
guys: never underestimate the power of a free hat. |
| Crowd: |
Free hat! Free hat! |
| Tweek: |
I gotta move away, you guys! |
| Stan: |
Relax,
Tweek, we're just gonna have to go in there and explain what happened.
There are more important things right now than free hats. |
| |
[The
school gym, inside. The crowd jumps up and cheers as the four boys
enter and climb onstage. Some of the signs they hold read "FREE HAT,"
"FREADOM FOR HAT NOW!," and "HAT DIDN'T DO IT"] |
| Stan: |
[takes the mic] Okay, uh, we wanna thank you all for
coming. We're really happy to see such enthusiasm for our cause. |
| Crowd: |
Yeah! Yeah! |
| Stan: |
Uh, one thing before I continue. Unfortuantely we don't
have enough of the... free hats for everyone. [the cheering dies down
and a voice pipes up] |
| Skeeter: |
Eh- Excuse me? |
| Cartman: |
[takes the mic] Yes, we apologize, but our friend Tweek
here didn't make enough of them. |
| Tweek: |
Oh! Jesus! Don't tell them it was me! |
| Woman: |
[a blonde] We don't care about that. |
| Tweek: |
You don't? |
| Stan: |
You mean, you just came because you believe in our
cause? |
| Skeeter: |
Yeah. Free Hat. |
| Tweek: |
What? |
| Man: |
Hat McCulloch. He was sent to prison in '82, and we
believe he should be released! |
| Man 2: |
Yeah! |
| Crowd: |
Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free
Hat! Free Hat! |
| Stan: |
Aaaah, ["Free Ha-"], okay apparently there's been a bit
of a misunderstanding. This is a rally to save films from their
directors? [the crowd stops moving] |
| Man: |
To do what? |
| Kyle: |
We believe that films are pieces of art that must be
preserved from the perverse hands of their agent filmmakers.. |
| Skeeter: |
Oh. Sorry. Um, come on, everyone, guess we're in the
wrong place. [the crowd breaks up and exits] |
| Crowd: |
Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! |
| Stan: |
Waitwaitwaitwait! [the crowd stops]
Don't you see what's happening out there? The films you all grew up
with, that touched YOUR lives and are part of YOUR soul are now being
updated and changed. Join us and we CAN be a group that makes a
difference! |
| Skeeter: |
Can't we also work towards freeing Hat? |
| Stan: |
Uh, sure, and we'll also try to free Hat. |
| Some people: |
Oh yeeaahhh!! Raaaaah!! Woohoo!! |
| Crowd: |
Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! |
| |
[Stan's house, later. Stan,
Kyle, and Cartman sit at the dining room table, with Stan counting the
sign-ups] |
| Stan: |
...212, 213, 214 members! |
| Tweek: |
[barges in through the front door] You guys! You guys!
Oh God! Um, I've got terrible news! |
| Kyle: |
What? |
| Tweek: |
Ted Koppel wants us to appear on Nightline to talk
about our cause. |
| Stan: |
Really? That's great. |
| Kyle: |
Yah. |
| Tweek: |
No it isn't, man! Thahat's waaay too much pressure! |
| Stan: |
If we go on Nightline, the whole country can hear about
what's happening to our classic films. |
| Cartman: |
But just remember that I do all the talking. |
| Kyle: |
You?? Why? |
| Cartman: |
Because I'm the official spokesman. I got dibs on it. |
| Stan: |
When did we do dibs for it? |
| Cartman: |
Just now - [quickly, counting off with his left hand] 1
2 3 dibs! [punches his right palm with his left fist] |
| Kyle: |
Me. |
| Tweek: |
Ga-ahah! |
| Kyle: |
Alright, fine! [points to Cartman] You're the
spokesman, Cartman! But you'd better not screw it up! |
| Cartman: |
What could possibly go wrong? |
| |
[Nightline. Ted Koppel is at
his desk with the four boys in the inset over his left shoulder] |
| Ted Koppel: |
A
new movement is sweeping the country, led by four determined boys from
South Park, Colorado. The organization was created to protect
Hollywood's classic films from the hands of their directors. And also
to free Hat McCulloch. So boys, I ask you the question that's on
everyone's minds, why does your organization want to free Hat
McCulloch, the convicted, confessed serial murderer of twenty-three
babies? |
| Cartman: |
[blinks and looks at the camera for a long time] ...I
believe that can best be answered by our official spokesman, Tweek.
[the camera moves from Cartman to Tweek] |
| Tweek: |
Gaaarh! |
| Ted Koppel: |
Well, Hat McCulloch admitted he killed those toddlers?
Why do you want him free? |
| Tweek: |
["TWEEK, ADVOCATE OF TODDLER MURDER" appears at the
bottom of the screen] Oh, Jesus, man! ...N'ahah! |
| Ted Koppel: |
Just answer me this, Tweek: What do you see as
"positive" about toddler murder? |
| Tweek: |
Ahah. U-uh. It's easy? |
| Ted Koppel: |
[ponders the possibility] Yes... It is easy. [switches
gears]
Alright, then on to your other cause, saving films from their
directors. What got you boys interested in this, especially given your
pro-toddler-murder status? |
| Kyle: |
We believe that films have to be taken away from people
like Steven Spielberg and George Lucas because they're insane. |
| Ted Koppel: |
Well I'm glad you said that, boys, because joining us
now are Steven Spielberg and George Lucas. [they walk in and stand
behind the boys. The boys look at them a bit awed] |
| Tweek: |
Oh Christ! Wwwaaaaaaah! |
| Steven
Spielberg: |
[wearing a CSLB jacket and director's hat] Hello, Ted. |
| George Lucas: |
[meekly] Oh hi, Ted. |
| Ted Koppel: |
Gentlemen, these toddler-murder fans think you're
insane and shouldn't be allowed to alter your films. Your response? |
| Steven
Spielberg: |
Well, first of all, both George and I are very firmly
against the murdering of toddlers. |
| Geogre Lucas: |
You're here. |
| Cartman: |
[to Stan] Dude, that's Steven Spielberg and George
Lucas. [resumes gawking at the two] |
| Tweek: |
Get me out of here! Please, somebody get me out of
heeerre! |
| Steven
Spielberg: |
And
as for altering our films, all we're doing is trying to reach a... new
audience with our movies. As the makers of dreams, we like to speak
...for the children. |
| Kyle: |
Ah, I thought we were speaking for the children. |
| Cartman: |
Yeah, we're children. |
| Stan: |
Uh-look, if the Beatles went back and updated their
White Album every few years, what would we have now? |
| Cartman: |
Yeah, these guys are only motivated by money, Ted. |
| Ted Koppel: |
How so? |
| Cartman: |
Think about it. Spielberg? Jew. Lucas? Jew. Kyle? Jew.
Coincidence? |
| George Lucas: |
I'm not a Jew! [crosses his arms in anger] |
| Steven
Spielberg: |
You
little brat-! Ah, I mean, you darling children don't know what you're
talking about. Changing E.T. was the best thing I ewver did. |
| Kyle: |
Dude, don't you see that it's not? It'd be like,
changing Raiders of the Lost Ark! |
| Steven
Spielberg: |
[a stroke of brilliance overcomes the two men for a few
seconds] Wait a minute. What'd you say? |
| George Lucas: |
Eh, that's brilliant! |
| Steven
Spielberg: |
Yes. Change Raiders of the Lost Ark! Why didn't we
think of it before?! |
| Kyle: |
[regretting the comparison] No. NOO!! |
| |
[South Park Elementary School
Gym, next day. "SAVE FILMS FROM THEIR DIRECTORS AND FREE HATMEETING
TODAY." The boys stand before the new club once again.] |
| Stan: |
Members, this is our darkest hour. We've just learned
that George Lucas and Steven Spielberg now intend to update and change
Raiders of the Lost Ark. [the crowd begins to murmur] There's only one
way we can stop this important and historical piece of art from being
harmed. Mr. Secretary? [hands the mic to Cartman, who moves over to an
easel] |
| Cartman: |
Thank you. [turns a page up and over. A schematic of
George Lucas's Skywalker Ranch is shown] Our intelligence tells us that
the original negative to Raiders of the Lost Ark is currently somewhere
in George Lucas's house. We need to find and usurp that negative. |
| Man 3: |
And if we get a hold ot the negative they can't change
the movie? |
| Stan: |
That is our understanding. |
| Woman: |
Sounds like a good idea to me. I don't want them to
change Raiders of the Lost Ark. |
| Crowd: |
YEAH! |
| Skeeter: |
Yeah! We should go get that negative as soon as we get
Hat free! |
| Crowd: |
YEAH! [the signs go up] Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! |
| Kyle: |
[rusn to the mic] Nonono! We need to do this first. |
| Woman: |
But we have to free Hat. |
| Stan: |
It's just that, you know, he killed twenty-three babies. |
| Man 4: |
Well yeah, but it was in self-defense! |
| Crowd: |
YEAH! |
| Cartman: |
He... killed... twenty-three babies in self-defense? |
| Skeeter: |
Hat
was attacked maliciously and unprovoked by a gang of babies in West
Town Park. When that many babies get together they can be like piranha. |
| Man 5: |
Three eyewitnesses testified that if Hat hadn't killed
those babies, they'd have killed him! |
| Crowd: |
YEAH! [the signs go up] Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! |
| Stan: |
Alright alright. But right now we've gotta focus on
getting those original prints of Raider |
| Skeeter: |
He's
right. We'd better split up. Some of you go with the boys and get those
film prints, the rest of us come with me to go talk to the governor
about freeing Hat. |
| Crowd: |
YEAH! [the signs go up and the crowd moves out. Not one
of them stays with the boys] Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! |
| Stan: |
Well, it looks like we're gonna have to do this
ourselves. |
| Tweek: |
No! Not this! I'm out! I can't deal with the stress you
guys create! [walks off the stage] |
| Kyle: |
We're just gonna fly to California and break into
George Lucas's house. What's stressful about that? |
| Tweek: |
Hwaaah! |
| Cartman: |
[rushes up to stop Tweek]
Okay, Tweek, let me tell you something: You've been our new friend now
for two weeks, okay? And I've gotta be honest with you, it isn't going
well. |
| Tweek: |
Haaah! |
| Cartman: |
People
aren't that into you, Tweek. They find you kind of annoying. Now, I say
you've got one last shot here, and I don't want you to blow it, okay?
Does that help take the stress off? |
| |
[Skywalker
Ranch, night. Inside the camera gets a view of Lucas's library. Among
the items there are various props from his Star Wars films, four Emmys,
four Oscars... the door opens and a flashlight scans the room. Stan,
holding the flashlight, walks in with the other boys] |
| Stan: |
Okay, go. [the other boys, with their own flashlights,
pour in] |
| Tweek: |
[trying to stay composed, with eyes closed] I'm
breaking into George Lucas's house. I'm not breaking into George
Lucas's house. I'm in a green field. |
| Cartman: |
[draws near] Stop, Tweek! This is not the time for
faggocity! [walks off] |
| Kyle: |
[eyeing a prop] This looks like the right room. |
| Tweek: |
I'm in a field... surrounded by deer. |
| Stan: |
[finding the video library] Over here! [the
other boys join him at the stacks. They see "Star Wars Episode 1,
Version 300," "Star Wars Episode 1, Version 301," "Star Wars Episode 1,
Version 302," etc., then "First Day of School" and "First Day of
School, Digitally Enhanced," then "Wedding Video" and "Wedding Video,
Digitally Enhanced." The camera scans past "Kids First Swimming Lesson"
and "Kids First Swimming Lesson w/ Digitally Enhanced Weather" to stop
at the reel of "Raiders of the Lost Ark, Original Negative 1982."] |
| Kyle: |
That's it! |
| Cartman: |
Alriiight! Get it, Tweek! |
| Tweek: |
Huh uh. |
| Cartman: |
Get it, you piece of crap, before I grab your nutsack
and twist it! |
| Tweek: |
Guh huh huh! [walks
off and returns with a stool. He climbs up on it and gets the reel
canister. The door opens behind the boys and the lights go on] |
| George Lucas: |
What are you doing?! [the boys turn in horror] |
| Tweek: |
Oh God! Oh Jesus! |
| George Lucas: |
You're the boys from that ...stupid club. Give me that!
[grabs the film reel from Tweek] |
| Tweek: |
[hops off the stool] Aaaaaah! |
| Kyle: |
Do with us what you will, Mr. Lucas! [goes down on his
right knee] But please, don't change Raiders of the Lost Ark. |
| George Lucas: |
We're gonna make it better. The movie's gonna be
changed, and that's that! |
| Cartman: |
Alright, you asked for it. I'm afraid you leave us no
choice. It's time for Plan B. |
| Stan: |
Aw, really? |
| Tweek: |
Oh God, no! Not Plan B! [Lucas looks at the boys
quzzically] |
| Cartman: |
[beat] You have a heart made of ice, Mr. Lucas, and so
we're goin' tuh melt your icy heart... with a cool island song.
Gentlemen? [the
boys reach for the left side of their bodies and rip off their clothes.
Underneath they wear colorful Latin outfits and grin.] |
| George Lucas: |
[confused] ...What?? |
| Cartman: |
Hit it, Tweek! [Tweek
goes over to a boombox and presses the play button, then returns to the
group. Caribbean music plays] In the tropical isle with the coconut
tree, there's a lots of- |
| Stan: |
Waitwaitwaitwaitwait. I thought we were gonna cool his
hot heart with a cool island song. |
| Cartman: |
...No, he has an icy heart. |
| Kyle: |
...But you can't melt ice with a cool song, 'tardheart. |
| Stan: |
So we have to warm his icy heart with a "hot" island
song |
| Cartman: |
It's a cool island song. |
| Kyle: |
Well then we're gonna end up freezing his hellish heart
with a cool island song. |
| Cartman: |
Oh, do we wanna do that? |
| George Lucas: |
ALRIGHT, that does it! |
| |
[Skywalker Ranch, day, Lucas's
living room. The boys stand behind Lucas as he talks on the phone with
someone] |
| George Lucas: |
[listening] Yes, thank you, officer. [hangs up and
walks around the boys] The police are on their way, boys. [stops and
faces them] Soon you'll be in jail getting RAMMED! |
| Tweek: |
[freaks out] Aaaahh! |
| Stan: |
Those rams can do to us what they will, Mr. Lucas, but
we'll never stop trying to protect films. [Lucas looks at them] |
| Kyle: |
It's not too late to do what's right. Give us the
print. There's still some good in you, Mr. Lucas. We know there is.
[Lucas hangs his head in shame and turns away] |
| George Lucas: |
It is... too late for me, boys. |
| Kyle: |
You yourself led the campaign against the colorization
of films. You understand why films shouldn't be changed. |
| George Lucas: |
M-that's different. These are my movies. I made them,
and I have the right to do whatever I want with them |
| Stan: |
[steps forward]
You're wrong, Mr. Lucas. They're not your movies. They're ours. All of
ours. We paid to go see them, and they're just as much a part of our
lives as they are of yours. |
| Kyle: |
When an artist creates, whatever they create belongs to
society |
| George Lucas: |
Have I... become so old that I've forgetten what being
an artist is about? |
| Stan: |
Give the print to us so that we can protect it from
Spielberg and anyone else who wants to alter it. |
| George Lucas: |
[turns and approaches them] Perhaps... you are right.
[presents the reel to Stan, but a door opens...] |
| A Voice: |
STOP! [Lucas is startled and the camera pans to Steven
Spielberg and three guards] What are you doing, George?! |
| George Lucas: |
Steven, Uh, I- |
| Steven
Spielberg: |
Give me that print, George! We need to make the
alterations! |
| George Lucas: |
Steven, these boys had a point. I don't remember what
it was, but it was good. |
| Steven
Spielberg: |
You haven't let these doe-eyed children affect your
judgment, have you, George?! [voice lowers] Don't forget: you belong to
me. |
| Kyle: |
Don't listen to him! You still have a chance to
preserve your film! [Lucas, stuck between the two arguments, stops and
thinks...] |
| George Lucas: |
I'm... ah I'm sorry, boys. [slowly walks to Spielberg
and presents the reel. Spielberg snatches it away] |
| Steven
Spielberg: |
[cackles] Now take the children prisoner! [the guards
approach and surround the boys] |
| Kyle: |
What?? |
| Steven
Spielberg: |
You troublemakers shall be my guests of honor at the
premiere of the NEW Raiders of the Lost Ark! Your gay little club is
over! |
| Stan: |
Fuck you, Steven Spielberg! Come on, you guys! [the
boys turn and make their way to the door] |
| Tweek: |
[runs] Oh my God they're gonna kill us. [the guards
block the way, and the other three boys are stuck. Kyle tries to get
around a guard, but...] |
| Guard 1: |
[aims his walkie-talkie at him] Don't even think about
it, kid! I'm not afraid to use this walkie-talkie! |
| Guard 2: |
The one with the cocaine-problem escaped, mein Direktor. |
| Steven
Spielberg: |
Leave him!! Let him run back to his mommy! [strokes the
reel canister] We must get the film ready for the premiere. [turns and
walks off] Lucas! Come! [Lucas, shame-faced, turns and follows
Spielberg out. The boys look at the guards] |
| |
[A commercial] |
| Announcer: |
["COMING THIS SUMMER"]Coming, this summer! ["RE-RELEASE
OF EPISODE 1 SOUTHPARK"] It's the digitally-enhanced re-release of the
very first pilot episode of South Park! [scens
from "Cartman Gets An Anal Probe" play - the cafeteria, the boys
walking down the street, Stan, Kyle, and Wendy in the woods, Stan and
Kyle at Stark's Pond...] Yes, the classic, rough, hand-made first
episode is getting a make-over for 2002! [the visitors are shown, then
new 3D versions are shown] The simple, funny aliens are now
super-badass and kewl! [the mothership is shown beaming Cartman up,
then a much more intricate version is shown]
Flying saucer? No longer cheap construction paper, but a 4.0 megapixel
constructed through a masterpiece of technology! Everything's new! New
is better! |
| Trey Parker: |
[bearded] When we first made South Park, we didn't wanna
use construction paper. We just had to because it was cheap. |
| Matt Stone: |
And now with new technology we can finally remaster
South Park, make it look sharp, clean and focused. |
| Trey Parker: |
Expensive. [Both men nod their heads] |
| Announcer: |
[The flames coming from Cartman's ass are replaced with
a 3D version, and cars and people are added to the scene] Yes, all the
charm of a simple little cartoon [a model of the new ship is rotated to
a new position] will melt before your eyes as it is replaced by newer
and more standardized animation! |
| Trey Parker: |
[a shot of him, then of the bus stop with the boys
waiting for the bus. New creatures enter the scene]
For instance, in the scene at the bus stop, we always meant to have
Imperial walkers and giant dewback lizards in the background, but
simply couldn't afford it. |
| Announcer: |
[A special-edition DVD of CGAAP "new version for 2002"
is shown. "ACT NOW" blinks on the screen over the DVD]Get this special
enhanced version quick, because another enhanced version will likely be
coming out for 2003! |
| |
[School
Gym, sometime later. "URGENT" in white has been scrawled over the sign
next to the door. Tweek stands onstage inside, facing the gathered club] |
| Tweek: |
Members, uuhh, oh Jesus, uh, we have to do something!
Our club president [Stan], treasurer [Kyle], and secretary [Cartman]
have all been taken hostage be Steven Spielberg! Haaa! |
| Man 3: |
Prisoner? You mean, like Hat? |
| Tweek: |
[grits his teeth, shuts his eyes and bows his head in
frustration] Yes, just like hat!! |
| Skeeter: |
But the governor won't pardon Hat. So how can we get
him out of prison? [the other members grumble] |
| Tweek: |
No!
Listen to me! We're not talking about Hat right now, okay?! Gad!! Look,
we went to George Lucas's house a-and tried to melt his icy heart with
a warm island song, but then Spielberg showed up and took three of our
members prisoner! They're goin' to premiere their new Raiders of the
Lost Ark, and we have to rescue them! Do you understand?! |
| Woman: |
Hey, he's got a point there. |
| Man 6: |
[a rancher] Yeah... Maybe we could melt the governor's
icy heart with a cool island song! |
| Members: |
[scattered reaction] Yeah. |
| Tweek: |
No! |
| Skeeter: |
No? |
| Man 7: |
No! He's right. We have to freeze his hot heart with a
cool island song. |
| Woman: |
Or is ti freshen his hot temper with a cool island song? |
| Man 8: |
Let's cool his hot temper with a fresh island song. |
| Man 9: |
That's it! |
| Man 10: |
Let's go! Come on! [the members rally and take off] |
| Tweek: |
Oh God. I'm gonna have to do this myself. Oh God! |
| |
[Excess Hollywood. Raiders of
the Lost Ark is featured.] |
| Pat O'Brien: |
Well, the print is finished and the day has come.
Tonight, Steven Spielberg and George Lucas [shown] will be at the
premiere of the new special edition of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Lots of
celebrity guests and other rich people will be on hand to witness all
the updated effects and modernized technology. |
| |
[A
desert. Spielberg leads a group of people to the site of the premiere.
Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are among the guests, but their hands are tied
behind their backs. Four people follow carrying a large box from two
long poles. The box reads "FINAL PRINT RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK 2002"
The three guards are there with Spielberg and Lucas, and Francis Ford
Coppola has joined the lead pack. The camera follows the group, but
slowly pulls back until Tweek appears with a bazooka on his shoulder] |
| Tweek: |
Hello! |
| Steven
Spielberg: |
[moves forward and takes a hard look at the figure on
the hill] The kid? The tweaked out kid?! |
| Tweek: |
I'm gonna blow up the print, Spielberg! [the other boys
try to sneak away, but the guards are around them quickly] |
| Steven
Spielberg: |
Your pesistence surprises even me. [begins to fan
himself with his hat] |
| Francis Ford
Coppola: |
[steps forward] Surely you don't think you can escape
from this premiere. |
| Tweek: |
[fixes his aim on his target] That depends on how
reasonable we're all willing to be. All I want are my friends. |
| Cartman: |
Wow. |
| Tweek: |
Except for Cartman - you can keep him. |
| Cartman: |
AY! |
| Francis Ford
Coppola: |
And if we refuse? |
| Tweek: |
Then your premiere has no movie! |
| Stan: |
He's definitely lost it |
| Kyle: |
Yup. |
| Steven
Spielberg: |
[moves around to clear the area] Okay, okay. Stan-
stand back, stand ba- stand back! Back! [people move away] Okay kid,
you win. [puts on his hat] Blow it up. [some guards try to get the box,
but Spielberg takes a walkie-talkie and forces them back] Zuroch!
Zuroch! [turns and faces Tweek] Blow it back to God. [Tweek trembles,
but his aim doesn't waver]
All your life has been the pursuit of seeing a great film! This new
version of Raiders has digital effects beyond your wildest dreams! You
want to see it screened just as much as I. [Tweek grunts, showing he
may be breaking] |
| Kyle: |
Come on, Tweek! Blow it up! |
| Steven
Spielberg: |
[turns, walks to the box, and stands next to it] Son,
we are simply passing through history. This... is imPROVED history.
[Tweek stalls. The boys wait for Tweek's next move] Do as you will.
[backs away, leaving the box clear. Tweek struggles, but lowers the
launcher. Three guards appear behind him] |
| |
[The governor's office, day.
The governor is at his desk, bored. The Free Hat club members break out
in song] |
| Members: |
In the tropical isle with the coconut tree, the air is
fresh and the people are free. |
| Man 5: |
But here in the mountain there's no freedom like that. |
| Skeeter: |
There's a man in prison and his name is Hat. [the
governor looks up a bit surprised] |
| |
[A
sign saying "RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK Premiere Tonight" has alternating
blinking lights. The camera moves off the sign and onto the makeshift
open-air theater. Two men bring forth the Ark of the Covenant, which
was in the box. The men move off. The audience is seen, with the four
boys in the very back. Stan and Kyle are tied to one post, Tweek and
Cartman to the other. Spielberg, dressed as a High Priest, approaches
the Ark] |
| Steven
Spielberg: |
[moving his arms over the Ark] Hafaa malifi! Thanks for
coming, everyone. [the
two men return, remove the lid, and walk off with it. A third man
reaches inside the Ark and pulls out the "RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK NEW
AND IMPROVED 2002" reel] This is the birth of the NEW version of
Raiders of the Lost Ark! We shall screen it here, and then destroy all
the old prints in celebration! |
| Audience: |
Hooray! All right! |
| Steven
Spielberg: |
Begin the film! [a man loads the film and plays it. On
screen, three men appear and approach a mountain] |
| Audience: |
[impressed] Whoa. |
| Stan: |
[pleading] You guys, close your eyes. Don't look at it. |
| Tweek: |
Ah, what?! |
| Stan: |
[pleading] Don't watch the movie, you guys. It'll be
terrible. Close your eyes! [the boys quickly turn away, shut their
eyes, and bow their heads] |
| Audience: |
[impressed] Whoa. Ahhh. |
| Steven
Spielberg: |
It's beyooootiful. [a
scene of Indiana Jones using a whip to swing across a chasm. Flaming
arrows shoot past him. As he lands on theother side, natives
approach.They look and chatter like Ewoks] |
| Viewer 1: |
Wait a minute. This version is awful! |
| Viewer 2: |
Yeah! They ruined it! |
| Viewer 3: |
Oh my God, it's terrible! [George
Lucas is suddenly frightened stiff. Coppola is also frightened. The
boys keep their eyes closed and away from the screen] |
| George Lucas: |
AaaaAAAAA!! |
| |
[the
three men huddle, frightened as they are. On screen, Indy is reaching
for a golden item. Rays of light alight from the screen and move out
over the audience, shooting through the viewers' chests and killing
them. Coppola, Lucas, and Spielberg are overwhelmed with the energy
from the rays. The men become disfigured, then their faces melt away.
Spielberg's head explodes. The rays diffuse, then gather back into the
Ark. The spirits of all killed are gathered into the Ark as well. The
lid lands on the Ark perfectly with a final roll of thunder. A few
second laters, when all is quiet, Stan raises his head and looks around] |
| Stan: |
Yuh, you guys okay. [the others open their eyes. The
ropes that bound them are gone] |
| Kyle: |
Yeah. I I think so. |
| Cartman: |
Man, that new version must have sucked balls. |
| |
[South
Park, day. A celebration is taking place at South Park Square. An
orchestra performs below the stage. The boys are onstage watching it
all. A man, a mayor's aide, walks up to the mic] |
| Aide: |
Today is a day of celebration, and we owe it all to
these four brave young boys. [The four boys grin] |
| Townsman: |
Yeah! Alright! |
| Aide: |
And thanks to the bravery of this young man in
particular, [Tweek smiles proudly] ...Hat McCulloch is finally free
from prison! [the smiles fade from the boys' faces] |
| Townsfolk: |
Yeah! Woohoohoo! |
| Kyle: |
...What? [a thin balding man with creepy appearance
walks onstage and waves to everyone] |
| Townsfolk: |
Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! |
| Hat McCulloch: |
Thank
you everyone-KILL! KILL THE INNOCENT!! Uh, I'm so thankful for all your
support-RAPE THE VIRGINS!! And uh, I just wonder if i could get a baby
real quick? [grins in a creepy way. The crowd falls silent for a moment] |
| Skeeter: |
Sure. Give that man a baby! |
| Townsfolk: |
Yeah! Woohoohoo! [the
aide comes onstage holding a baby in his arms. Hat looks at the baby
sinisterly. The baby senses this and quickly crawls up the aide's arm
and onto his shoulder] |
| Stan: |
Come on, you guys. Let's get out of here. [the boys
turn and walk off. Tweek can't help but look at the baby's fate] |
| Tweek: |
Oh my God! |
| |
[South Park, day. The boys
walk away from the celebration and down the street.] |
| Kyle: |
Do you think we did a good thing, Stan? [the boys stop]
I mean, no one even seemed to notice. |
| Stan: |
Yeah
well, sometimes the things we do don't matter right now. Sometimes they
matter... later. We have to care more about later sometimes, you know?
I think that's what separates us from the Steven Spielbergs and George
Lucases of the world. |
| Cartman: |
That and youth. Those guys are old. |
| Tweek: |
But what about the original prints of Raiders of the
Lost Ark? What if somebody else takes them and tries to change them? |
| Stan: |
Don't worry, Tweek. It's somewhere safe. Somewhere
where... nobody will ever find it. |
| |
[A
secret warehouse. Someone packs all the original prints of Raiders of
the Lost Ark into a large box. He nails the box shut and adds a lock.
He puts the box on a dolly and carts it off down a long corridor. On
each side are other boxes and crates of stuff put there so as not to
cause any more harm to anyone. Among the stuff in the warehouse - RED
CROSS 9/11 Relief Funds. Dramatic music plays the episode out. End of
Free Hat] |
