| |
[South
Park, city sidewalk, day. Stan, Cartman and Kyle head for a bright,
colorful store called "Lolly's Candy Factory." Cartman carries three
buckets: two on his back, supported by a crossbar, and a hurge one on
his head. The proprietor, Lolly, opens the door and sets a sign so it
reads "OPEN," thus starting his business day. On his red apron is a
large yellow lollipop with "LOLLY" printed over it. The boys stop and
look.] |
| Lolly: |
[notices the kids and straightens up] Oh, hello there,
kids! Welcome to Lolly's Candy Shop. |
| Stan: |
We're the kids whose names you called on your
commercial last night. We're here to do the shopping spree! |
| Lolly: |
Oh that's great! |
| Cartman: |
You bet your fat clown ass it is! |
| Lolly: |
Okay! Well I'll just need your ticket stub. |
| Cartman: |
[the boys' jaws drop a bit] ...ticket stub? |
| Lolly: |
Well you know. When you entered the contest you got the
other half of this ticket. [display the store's half of the ticket] |
| Stan: |
Oh shit. Who had the ticket stub?? |
| Kyle: |
It was such a long time ago! |
| Cartman: |
Wu-we don't "really" need the ticket stub, do we? |
| Lolly: |
Don't need the ticket stub?? Are you high?? How else do
I know you're the winners? |
| Stan: |
Because our names were called on the commercial last
night! |
| Lolly: |
Sh-orry
boys. No ticket stub, no candy shopping spree. If you find it, you can
come back, but you only have one week to claim the prize. That's called
"The Ticking Clock." Works great in the movies. [steps backwards
into the store and closes the door. The boys look at the door for a few
seconds, then Cartman turns and steps forward] |
| Cartman: |
[drops the buckets] GODDAMNIT!!! |
| Stan: |
We're gotta find that ticket! |
| Kyle: |
Which one of us took it?! It was so long ago, I c- I
can't remember. |
| Cartman: |
You guys we've got to focus! We've got to focus, and
remember. [Zoom in on Cartman, who starts remembering...] |
| |
[Lolly's Candy Factory, over a year ago. Kenny is still
alive back then.] |
| Lolly: |
[hands a ticket stub to Stan] All right. There you go.
Hold on to that ticket stub. You'll need it to claim your prize. [looks
at the rest of the store] Shign up for the five-minute shopping spree!!
[walks off] |
| Stan: |
[hands the stub to Cartman] You hold on to this,
Cartman. I might lose it. |
| Cartman: |
[takes it, then hands it to Kyle] Nah, I'll lose it for
sure. You keep track of it, Kyle. |
| Kyle: |
Okay. [takes it, then has second thoughts] N-no, ah I
don't want that much responsibility. Here, you hold on to it, Kenny.
[hands the stub to Kenny] |
| Kenny: |
(Okay.) [takes it and pockets it] |
| |
[back to the present. The boys
realize Kenny was the last to hold the stub as their mouths open.] |
| Cartman: |
[bolts away] Kenny!!! |
| Stan, Kyle: |
[following quickly] AAAHHH!! [the buckets stay on the
ground and the boys rush to Kenny's house] |
| |
[Kenny's house, later. The
boys arrive gasping for air and Kyle rings the doorbell.] |
| Stuart: |
[opens the door] Yes? |
| Stan: |
Where's Kenny?? |
| Stuart: |
Uh... boys... Kenny died ...last December. Don't you
remember? |
| Kyle: |
We know he's dead. We mean, where is his body?? |
| Kenny's Mom: |
His body? Well, why?? |
| Cartman: |
Because he has the God-damned ticket for the-! |
| Stan: |
[shuts Cartman up quick and stumbles for words] Uh,
look. We just really miss our friend and, ah, andand we need to see his
remains for closure. |
| Kyle: |
Yeah. Closure. |
| Cartman: |
For this stupid closure! |
| Kenny's Mom: |
Oh all right boys. Come on in. [the boys follow the
McCormicks in] |
| |
[Kenny's house, inside. The
boys follow the parents through the house] |
| Stuart: |
We haven't seen you boys for so long, we thought you'd
forgotten all about him. |
| Kenny's Mom: |
Here he is, boys. Our dear little Kenny. [an urn is
shown, with pictures of Kenny on either side of it.] |
| Cartman: |
You turned him into a teapot? |
| Stuart: |
No. That's an urn, boys. Kenny's inside it. |
| Kenny's Mom: |
Your friends are here to see you, Kenny. [picks up the
urn and caresses it.] They miss you an awful lot, like we all do.
[starts crying] |
| Stuart: |
Thang-thanks for coming by, boys. Ih-ih, it means a lot
to us. [turns to his wife and consoles her] Aw now, honey. [joins her
in sobbing] |
| |
[Kenny's
house, nighttime, living room. A circle appears on a window and that
piece of window is removed. Cartman sets the circle down and looks
around. He reaches up to open the window latch, then opens the window
door. He slips in and goes for the urn. He pulls out a fake detector
and moves it around] |
| Cartman: |
Wewewewewewe... |
| Stan: |
[climbs up to the window and looks in] Did you get it?
[Kyle climbs up next to him] |
| Cartman: |
Hold on, I'm checking for robot guards. [resumes the
detection] Wewewewewewe... |
| Kyle: |
There's not gonna be any robot guards, retard! Just get
Kenny! [Cartman
looks back at the boys angrily, gets Kenny's urn, and climbs back out
the window. Seconds later, a robot guard does indeed move through the
living room...] |
| Robot Guard: |
Wewewewewewe... |
| |
[Cartman's house, night,
kitchen. The boys rush to the counter and climb up on the stools] |
| Kyle: |
Alright, we made it! |
| Stan: |
Kenny'd better have the ticket stub with him in there! |
| Kyle: |
Let him out, Cartman! [Cartman opens the urn and the
boys duck] |
| Cartman: |
...Kenny? [the boys lose their fear and rise up to look
at the urn] Kenny?! |
| Kyle: |
Is he in there? |
| Stan: |
I can't see. [Cartman
pours out the ashes and the boys sneeze from the fine powder until it
dissipates. Some ash smudges remain on their faces.] |
| Cartman: |
What the hell is this?! Chocolate milk mix?! |
| Kyle: |
I knew Kenny couldn't fit in that tea pot! [Cartman
samples the ashes] |
| Stan: |
It wa a trick! |
| Cartman: |
God-damnit! This isn't even GOOD chocolate milk mix! |
| Stan: |
Kenny's parents must be laughing pretty hard about now!
We're dumb enough to believe Kenny's body could be in a teapot! |
| Kyle: |
Why would they play such a cruel joke on us? |
| Cartman: |
Egh,
because they're poor, Kyle! Poor people don't have anything better to
do than piss other people off! Don't you watch Springer?! |
| Stan: |
We just have to face it. We're not gonna get Kenny back
and we're not goona have our shopping spree. It's over! [gets off his
stool and walks away.] |
| Kyle: |
God-damnit! There has to be a way! [leaves his stool
and follows Kyle out. Cartman looks at the ashes, then thinks of
something] |
| Cartman: |
Hmmm. [leaves
his stool and returns with some milk, a glass, and a spoon. He scoops
up some ashes and drops them into the glass. He pours the milk onto the
ashes, stirs them up, and drinks the milk ] Hmm, not bad. [scoops some
more ashes into the milk] |
| |
[Cartman's
room, night. The empty glass sits on his nightstand. The camera zooms
out to show Cartman sleeping with Clyde Frog. Cartman tosses in his bed
and his dream appears. A circle appears. Outisde of the circle is a
lining to a jacket. Inside is someone's point of view. The surroundings
seen in that circle indicates that this is Kenny's point of view. Kenny
seems to be walking around in his own room. Kenny's arm appears and
opens the door, and Kenny's mom appears at the end of the hall.] |
| Kenny's Mom: |
Hurry up, Kenny! You're gonna be late for school! [the
dream ends abruptly] |
| Cartman: |
[sits up, eyes wide open] Huh! ... I don't think that
chocolate milk mix agreed with my stomach. [growls a bit, turns to
sleep, and farts. The door flies open and Stan and Kyle rush in] |
| Stan: |
Cartman, come on! |
| Cartman: |
[sits up again] What what? [sees who it is] Jesus, you
buttholes! It's six in the morning! |
| Stan: |
Kyle figured out a way to get our winning ticket stub
back from Kenny! |
| Cartman: |
How? |
| Kyle: |
A ladder to heaven. [unfolds some blueprints] We build
it, climb up, and get our winning ticket back from that asshole Kenny. |
| |
[Stan's
house, day. The blueprints are in place on an easel. The design is a
slender tower rising some 120 feet into the sky. The camera pulls back
to show the boys hammering boards into place. Stan's parents step
outside to see the construction.] |
| Randy: |
Hey, if you boys are building a clubhouse you should
start with the floor. |
| Stan: |
[going for some more wood] We're not building a
clubhouse, we're building a ladder to heaven. |
| Randy: |
A ladder to heaven? Why, son? |
| Stan: |
Because we wanna see Kenny again. [heaves a piece of
wood back to the tower] |
| Sharon: |
[after a moment of though] Oh... oh, that's so sweet. |
| Randy: |
That's the ...s-s-saddest thing I've ever heard. |
| Jimbo: |
[approaching] Hey Randy, can I borrow your uh... [sees
the boys' activity] What the hell are they doing? |
| Randy: |
The boys wanna see their dead friend Kenny again,
Jimbo, so they're... building a ladder to heaven. |
| Jimbo: |
Awwww. |
| Sheila: |
[arriving with Gerald] Kyle, I think you've bothered
the Marshes enough. |
| Randy: |
No, it's... alright, Sheila. The boys were just...
building a ladder to heaven to see their old friend, Kenny. |
| Jimbo: |
A ladder tuh... Oh... oh God. [begins to sob] |
| Sheila: |
Oh, that's so touching. [begins to sob. All the adults
begin to cry. The boys continue building] |
| |
[Behind Stan's house, day. A
reporter has arrived and now begins his report] |
| Field Reporter: |
Tom,
I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where last December,
eight-year-old Kenny McCormick died of a terminal illness. But now,
that little boy's three closest friends miss their friend so much that
they are building a ladder to heaven, in order to- [chokes as the
camera reaches the tower, then gathers himself] a ladder to heaven in
order to try to see him again. [sighs] It's so sad and yet so
beautiful, Tom. Here's what some people had to say. |
| Randy Marsh: |
Well,
our son just said to us that he really needed to see his little friend
Kenny again and... and that he thought it would work... [begins to
break down] if he... built the ladder to heaven. |
| Sheila: |
[sobbing] They just believe in their little hearts that
it will work. We can't tell them it won't, we just can't! |
| Jimbo: |
[wistful] It shows how beautiful the innocence of a
child really is. [starts sobbing. Other people are show crying:
Marietta Kitchin, Carrie Ayers & Steve Stegman] |
| Mr. Garrison: |
A ladder to heaven? That's fuckin' stupid. |
| Mayor McDaniels: |
[sobbing with her aides] These boys symbolize how we
all feel about loss. Who are we to tell them it's impossible? |
| Field Reporter: |
Tom, people from all over the- [chokes] Sorry. [gets
back on track]
People from all over the country are coming to see the ladder, feeling
a connection to its symbolism, and beauty. Even country singer Alan
Jackson has shown up with a song he has written about the ladder.
[camera pulls back to show Jackson to the reporter's left, strumming a
guitar]
Alan Jackson is, of course, the man who wrote the song, "Where Were You
When the World Stopped Turning," about the tragedies on September 11.
And now he's here once again to capitalize on people's emotions. Let's
listen in. [focus shifts to Jackson] |
| Alan Jackson: |
Where were you when they built the ladder to heaven?
Did it make you feel like cryin', or did you think it was kind of gay? |
| Townsman: |
What a beautiful song. [the boys look down at Jackson] |
| Alan Jackson: |
Well I, for one, believe in the ladder to heaven.
Oh yeah yeah yeah. 9-11 [the townsfolk begin to cry]
I said 9-11, 9-11, 9-11, Ni-hi, hi-hine___
Eleven. [the song ends]
Thank you! I have a new CD out with all my 9-11 songs for sale right
here! [the
crowd rushes in to get copies of the CD. Jackson is pleased at the
interest. The boys resume their construction. Stan and Kyle are
hammering away at the top of the ladder. Cartman hustles up the ladder
with a car seat] |
| Kyle: |
Oh good! Cartman's back from the junkyard. |
| Cartman: |
I found this car seat in Mr. Garrison's car. [hands it
to the other two boys, who put it in place] |
| Stan: |
Mr. Garrison threw away his car? |
| Cartman: |
...No. [the boys let the seat drop] Ey! Euuugh. |
| |
[Flashback
#2 - resumes where the first one left off. Kenny seems to be walking
around in his own room. Kenny's arm appears and opens the door, and
Kenny's mom appears at the end of the hall.] |
| Kenny's Mom: |
Hurry up, Kenny! You're gonna be late for school! [the
dream ends abruptly] |
| Stuart: |
Kenny, do you by any chance know what happened to my
Playboys? [shows
Kenny a centerfold, which shows a circle where the centerfold's crotch
should be. He lifts the centerfold high enough to look through the hole]
Kenny?! Answer me!! [back to the present - Cartman looks dazed] |
| Kyle: |
Cartman? Cartman?! |
| Cartman: |
[startled] Wha-uh, what?? What? |
| Kyle: |
Dude, what the hell's wrong with you?! |
| Cartman: |
I don't know. It's like my brain just keeps... jacking
off. |
| Kyle: |
Maybe you got brain cancer. |
| Cartman: |
Do you think? |
| Stan: |
Don't get cancer on the ladder, Cartman! You're gonna
fall off and break it! |
| |
[SNN newscast. Graphics are
shown indicating 74% of Americans believe in the ladder] |
| SNN Reporter: |
The nation is rallying behind three sweet boys in
Colorado who are building a ladder to heaven to be with their dead
friend. [a picture of the boys on the ladder is shown] It's making
Americans start to believe in heaven, again. [next segment has the
reporter out on the street] |
| Woman 1: |
Well when I see how this ladder has brought people
together, how... how it has changed America, I mean, how can I not
believe? |
| SNN Reporter: |
[off screen] Ha do YOU actually believe in the ladder
to heaven? |
| Fat Man: |
If... heaven is an eight-year-old boy, and the ladder
is my penis... [the camera moves away quickly, but the man keeps up]
and the pearly gates are the- [static...
the camera pulls back to show the reporter back at the desk, holding a
TV status pattern on paper and hissing. He notices the camera and
stops, putting the pattern down] |
| SNN Reporter: |
Uh, meanwhile, the American economy cont- [gets some
breaking news over his headset]
wait. Wait. Wait a minute. We are getting reports now that Ja-pan is
building their own ladder to heaven to compete with the US's's. Let's
go live to SNN correspondent Nobuhiro Sabasurisurijuwa. |
| SNN Correspondent: |
This is a Nobunaga Hiroichi reporting rive from Tokyo,
where Japan has started buirding its own radder to hayben. [the tower
is shown with klieg lights bathing it in light] Ahready, the Japanese
radder extend faaar into space [the ladder is now high enough for a
space shuttle to park by and astronauts come out to work on it] and
it's growing by a-one thousand miles every day. [back on the ground...]
As the endeavor continues it is becoing clear that Japan will reach
a-hayben before the United States. [a raspberry follows] |
| |
[South Park, just past sunset.
The neighbors have gathered around the ladder in Stan's back yard and
are now singing] |
| Neighbors: |
Nahurabo Nahurabo |
| Stan: |
Excuse me. ["Nahurabo"] Excuse me! ["Nahurabo"] Uh, we
ran out of stuff. [the singing abruptly stops] We ran out of stuff to
build theh ladder with. |
| Man 1: |
Oh no! |
| Woman 2: |
Oh Jesus, no! |
| Alan Jackson: |
Where were you when they ran out of stuff to build the
ladder to heaven? |
| Stan: |
We can keep going, but we need to start tearing down
houses for wood. |
| Randy: |
[raises his arms high] No! Agh, look, I, I think maybe
this has gone on far enough. |
| Gerald: |
Yeah... Ih it's time we told the boys the truth, that
they aren't really going to get to heaven. [a truck is heard arriving] |
| Man 2: |
[at the back, by the fence] Wait! Look! [a fleet of
trucks, cars, and jeeps converge on the road outside the house] |
| General: |
We've come to help you beat those Japs, boys! [behind
him, military personnel bring out ladders and other construction
equipment] There won't be anyone stopping this great ladder from being
built today! [the crowd cheers wildly. The boys' parents are dumbstruck]
Alpha Team! Get that support structure up! Ciranom's Team! Get us
photos and recon! [the teams set about their duties] |
| Soldiers: |
Yes sir! |
| Alan Jackson: |
Where were you when they saved that ladder to heaven? |
| Kyle: |
[with Cartman at the top of the ladder] Man, I can't
believe how much people want us to get our winning ticket back. |
| Cartman: |
Candy-shopping sprees have that effect on people, Kyle. |
| |
[South
Park, next day. The boys resume building the ladder, and they almost
break through the cloud above them. Stan is the first to peer over the
clouds. Kyle soon joins him.] |
| Kyle: |
Do you see anything? |
| Stan: |
No. Hello?? Kenny?? God?? |
| Kyle: |
Grandma?? |
| Cartman: |
[joins the other two boys, grunting as he gets into
position] Aw, don't tell me we haven't even reached the cloud city yet! |
| Stan: |
No cloud city, not even a giant. Heaven must still be a
long way off. |
| Cartman: |
Alright,
look. I didn't wanna have to say this, but I think maybe we're not
seeing heaven because one of us doesn't believe in it enough. |
| Kyle: |
Huh? |
| Cartman: |
Heaven could be like the pixie faeries of Bubble Yum
Forest. You only see them if you really believe in them. |
| Stan: |
What?? |
| Cartman: |
You know, maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of
us is a J-O-O. |
| Kyle: |
[processes the comment] What does me being a Jew have
to do with anything?! |
| Cartman: |
Because Jews don't believe in heaven! |
| Kyle: |
Yes we do! Just not the Christian heaven! |
| Cartman: |
Right. Your idea of heaven is getting five dollars off
your matzah ball soup at Barney's Beanery by lying about a hair in it. |
| Kyle: |
HAAHH!!! [smacks Cartman on the side of the face with
his left fist] |
| Cartman: |
AH! [stunned, he has another flashback. A heartbeat is
heard] |
| |
[Flashback #2 - Kenny arrives
at the bus stop.] |
| Kyle: |
Hey Kenny. |
| Stan: |
Hey Kenny. |
| Kenny: |
(Hey you guys. What's goin' on, man?) |
| Cartman: |
In the ghetto, in the ghetto. He was born where hungry
children cry, kickin', his whole family resides in the ghetto, in the
ghetto |
| Kenny: |
[points an accusing finger at Cartman] (Shut up,
Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!) |
| Cartman: |
What did you say?! |
| Kenny: |
(I said, Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!) |
| Cartman: |
What did you say?! |
| Cartman: |
[in the present] I said "Shut up, Cartman, you
blood-belching vagina!" [opens his eyes and looks around] Did I just
call myself a blood-belching vagina? |
| Stan: |
Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?? |
| Cartman: |
I dunno, I just, I keep feeling like I'm Kenny. Seeing
memories through his eyes. |
| Kyle: |
You're too fat to be Kenny. |
| Cartman: |
[amid his thoughts] You're a- stupid Jew. |
| Stan: |
Let's just keep building. We only have five more days
until the shopping spree. |
| |
[The
White House, Washington D.C., moments later. George Bush arrives at the
Oval Office and takes his seat at the executive desk] |
| Bush: |
Alright, how's the ladder going, General? Are we
beating the Japanese. |
| General: |
Not
quite, but we have a new problem, Mr. President. Our recon team on the
ladder just found new evidence of threats... from Saddam Hussein. |
| Bush: |
Saddam Hussein? But... we killed him! We secretly took
him out months ago! |
| General: |
Yes sir. And now we believe he's building weapons of
mass destruction... in heaven. |
| Bush: |
Dear Christ, that sonofabitch just doesn't stop! |
| General: |
[flips a page on an easel, showing another page with
three identical photos] These surveillance photos were taken atop the
ladder of what appears to be heaven. [points out an encircled object in
the center photo] Here we see what we believe to be a missile silo. And
here [points out an encircled object in the lower photo] we see what
looks like a laboratory of some sort for making chemical weapons. |
| Karl Rove: |
That... kinda looks like a seagull. |
| General: |
Yes. It could be a laboratory disguised as a seagull. |
| Bush: |
That tricky bastard! |
| General: |
Sir, you must understand our fears. We must take out
those facilities. We must... [close-up] bomb heaven! |
| |
[SNN newsroom, new poll] |
| SNN Reporter: |
SNN
Question of the Day: Now that Americans believe in heaven, should we
bomb it? The polls right now show that 51% of Americans think Saddam
has to be dealt with, while 49% are wimpy tree-hugging pussies. |
| War Protester: |
[in tie-dye shirt, waving a "No War On Heaven" sign]
War is not my voice! This country is just run by rednecks and bumpkins
with their guns! |
| Redneck: |
[with baby dangling from the left hand, rifle firmly in
the right hand] We have to take Saddam out to protect ourselves. |
| Fat Man: |
I, for one, believe that if Saddam Hussein were an
eight-year-old boy, and my penis were the United States... [the mic is
retracted] then there would- [the cameraman tries to avoid the man, but
nope] hard nipples! |
| SNN Reporter: |
[back in the newsroom] God-damnit! [holds up the snow
pattern and hisses] |
| |
[News 4 field report] |
| Field Reporter: |
Tom,
it's been five days since three sweet boys set out to build a ladder to
heaven and caption the nation's hearts. They've made a nation believe
heaven might be up there. And it could prove to be a threat to our
country. President Bush will seek UN approval for military action. |
| |
[The
Marsh home, day. The boys' ladder is seen rising above the house, in
the backyard. In the dining room, the boys' parents sit opposite the
boys at the table.] |
| Randy: |
Boys, it's really neat that you want to see your old
pal Kenny so much but... |
| Gerald: |
But it's time for you to get back to school and on with
your lives. |
| Stan: |
No, we have to see Kenny! |
| Sharon: |
You have to understand that Kenny's body isn't up in
the clouds. He was cremated. |
| Stan: |
Cremated? What's that? |
| Randy: |
When you die, your body is put into a broiling oven and
cooked until you're nothing but ashes. [the boys are alarmed] |
| Kyle: |
What?? For God's sake, why?? |
| Sheila: |
Kyle, it's just what some people do. |
| Kyle: |
Are you gonna burn me? |
| Gerald: |
Kyle, that's not the issue right now. |
| Kyle: |
Jesus Christ! |
| Randy: |
The person's ashes are put into an urn, and that's
where Kenny's body is. |
| Kenny's Mom: |
You see boys, Kenny is in here. [opens the urn and
pours out the contents, which are white now. Mrs. McCormick notices]
What the??? [looks inside the urn] Wait a minute! This is kitty litter! |
| Cartman: |
[resigned, comes clean] Alright, alright, I drank the
chocolate milk mix and replaced it with kitty litter. |
| Stuart: |
You WHAT?? |
| Stan: |
Dude, don't you know what this means? You drank Kenny! |
| Cartman: |
[knowingly] Shut up! |
| Kyle: |
You did, dude! You drank his whole body! |
| Cartman: |
[knowingly] Shut up! |
| Kenny's Mom: |
Oh my God! This is awful! [starts moving away. The
other adults follow] And disgusting! |
| Liane: |
[stops and looks at Cartman] Bad, Eric, bad! [moves
away] |
| Cartman: |
That explains it. Why I'm having Kenny's memories all
the time. His soul is inside me. |
| Stan: |
Well, so much for our winning ticket. Cartman probably
drank that with the rest of Kenny! [leaves the table] |
| Kyle: |
Yeah. Good job, fatass! [leaves the table] |
| Cartman: |
I can't live like this. I, I have to find a place where
they remove living souls from your body. |
| |
[Day,
Unplanned Parenthood, a place where they remove living souls from a
pregnant woman's body, if you believe fetuses have souls... Cartman
speaks to the nurse, who is sitting behind a desk writing
absentmindedly] |
| Cartman: |
Looks like I've come to the right place. |
| Nurse: |
Can I help you? |
| Cartman: |
Yes, hello. I have a living thing inside of me that
needs to be sucked out, please. |
| Nurse: |
You'll have to make an appointment; the charge is two
hundred and thirty dollars. |
| Cartman: |
Two hundred and thirty dollars?? I just want you to
vacuum him out of me and not put him up in a condominium! [a woman and
her boyfriend enter the clinic. The woman sobs] |
| Boyfriend: |
It's gonna be okay, babe. |
| Cartman: |
Listen, lady! You've got to get this crap out of me!
[the woman can't believe what she's hearing] I don't want him in me
anymore! Just suck him up and throw him out! |
| Woman: |
Oh Steven, I can't go through with this! I have to keep
it! [walks away from the clinic] |
| Steven: |
Damnit! Damnit! [turns and walks off, then looks back
in] Thanks a lot, kid! [throws a rock at Cartman] |
| Cartman: |
Ey! [becomes catatonic once more, and another flashback
comes] |
| |
[The scene is the sidewalk.
Stan, Cartman and Kyle run up to Kenny] |
| Cartman: |
Kenny! Kenny! |
| Stan: |
Kenny! Lolly's Candy Land is giving away a shopping
spree! [the last few words echo a few times] |
| Kyle: |
We're all gonna pitch in on an entry! [the last few
words echo a few times. Fast forward to the day the boys are at Lolly's] |
| Lolly: |
[hands a ticket stub to Stan] There you go. Hold on to
that ticket stub. [gives the ticket to Stan and walks off] |
| Stan: |
[hands the stub to Cartman] You hold on to this,
Cartman. I might lose it. |
| Cartman: |
[takes it, then hands it to Kyle] Nah, I'll lose it for
sure. You keep track of it, Kyle. |
| Kyle: |
Okay. [takes it, then has second thoughts] N-no, ah I
don't want that much responsibility. Here, you hold on to it, Kenny.
[hands the stub to Kenny] |
| Kenny: |
(Okay.) [takes it and pockets it. Fast forward to some
time later, on the sidewalk] |
| Cartman: |
You'd better not lose that ticket, Kenny, or else I'll
kick you in the nuts! The nuts! The nuts! [fast
forward to Kenny's room. He walks to a locked box by the window while
looking at the ticket stub. He unlocks it, puts the ticket in, and
locks the box again.] |
| |
[Back to the present. Cartman
comes to and knows where to go] |
| Cartman: |
The ticket! Kenny didn't have it on him when he died!
He put it away somewhere! [walks up to a couple filling out paperwork]
Don't you see? I can still have my candy shopping spree! Oh my God!
[heads out the door] You guys! YOU GUYS!! |
| |
[The United Nations, day. In
the main hall President Bush is speaking to the Assembly] |
| Bush: |
Ladies and gentlemen of the UN, we have evidence that
Saddam Hussein is up there building weapons of mass destruction. [shows
a picture of the ladder and another one of the clouds. Both pictures
have areas circled in] We have tried to communicate with Saddam through
a psychic to ask him to let us see his warehouses in heaven. But he has
not responded. |
| Indian Ambassador: |
Of course he has not responded, because he's DEAD! |
| Bush: |
Right. Dead, and in heaven. |
| Another Ambassador: |
This is preposterous! Even if there was a heaven, what
makes you think Saddam Hussein's sould would be sent there? |
| Bush: |
Our
intelligence tells us that when Saddam was originally killed, his soul
actually went to hell. But while in hell he began a homosexual
relationship with Satan, the Prince of Darkness. Satan, however,
decided he didn't want to be with Hussein anymore and broke up with him
about August. [the French Ambassador has tuned out] When Saddam
became jealous and tried to kill Satan's new lover, Chris, Satan had
Saddam sent to heaven to live with Mormons as a punishment. [the
assembly is overcome with silence] Question? [more silence. An
amabassador raises his hand] Yes? |
| Another Ambassador: |
Are you high, or just incredibly stupid? |
| Bush: |
I assure you, I am not high. |
| |
[South
Park, day. A tower has gone up around the ladder at the Marsh house.
Helicopters and cranes hoist. On the ground Stan and Kyle sit on some
lumber watching the military take over the construction. Cartman runs
up to them] |
| Cartman: |
You guys! You guys! I saw the ticket! [Stan and Kyle
rise and line up on either side of Cartman] |
| Kyle: |
What do you mean, fatass? |
| Cartman: |
I just had another vision, you buttholes. Kenny didn't
keep the ticket with him, he put it away somewhere. |
| Stan: |
Where?? |
| Cartman: |
I don't know. I got conked in the head down at the
abortion clinic [Kyle looks down at the lumber, then looks at the pile
behind him] and I clearly saw Kenny putting the ticket in a little red
box. [Kyle fishes around for a small solid piece of lumber, then finds
one and aims it at Cartman's head] I just have to wait for another
vision to come. I could clearly see through Ken- [thunk] AY! [is dazed
for a bit, then recovers none too pleased, then glares at Kyle] |
| Kyle: |
Do you see anything? |
| Cartman: |
Yes, Kyle. I see a DEAD JEW! [starts at Kyle, but Stan
holds him back] |
| Stan: |
Whoawhoawhoa! Maybe Kyle's right. We gotta spark the
vision somehow. |
| Cartman: |
Not by giving me brain damage! |
| Stan: |
Do you want a candy shopping spree or not?! |
| Cartman: |
[stares at Stan, then resigns to his former position]
Alright, go ahead. [Kyle rears back and swings... thunk] AY!... no.
[Kyle rears back and swings... thunk] AY!... |
| |
[Near the back of the house.
The neighbors are watchng the construction. Sharon and Sheila arrive] |
| Sharon: |
Randy! Gerald! We, we were wrong about heaven! The
Japanese just reached it with their ladder! |
| Randy: |
What? [follows the ladies out with Gerald] |
| |
[Living room, seconds later] |
| Sharon: |
See for yourself! |
| |
[the SNN Japanese
correspondent is on camera] |
| SNN Correspondent: |
This is a Nobunaga Hiroichi reporting rive from hayben.
[behind him is a set with clouds hanging from wires. Angels swing into
place slowly] The great a-nation of Japan reached a-hayben today about
eight o'crock Pacific Standard Time-eh. [one
of the angels falls off her rope and hits the ground. The correspondent
sees this and moves in front of her to block the shot. Someone enters
the shot and plants a Japanese flag among the clouds] Therefore
hayben is now a-decrared an official part of Japan, because we got
a-here first. And now for the weather in heaben, let's go to Natusako
Semu. |
| Natusako Semu: |
Todeh weather in hebon, partry croudy. |
| Nobunaga: |
[fairly gloating] That's the news from heben. [the set
creaks behind him and falls down, showing the studio.] Dame! Dameda!
Take yaroba! |
| |
[Living room, seconds later] |
| Randy: |
Oh God, and we told our boys they'd never reach heaven. |
| Gerald: |
Kids! |
| |
[Backyard. The crowd in and
around the yard is immense now. George Bush and his staff are present] |
| Bush: |
Good. As soon as the boys finish their ladder we'll be
ready to take Saddam out. |
| Sharon: |
Do you really think this is a good idea, Randy? |
| Randy: |
If Saddam is building weapons, we have to stop him.
With our weapons. [behind the crowd Cartman, Stan and Kyle return with
buckets of candy. That conking finally worked] |
| Stan: |
Ah, excuse me everyone! Uh, we're not working on the
ladder anymore. Thank you, we're done. [everyone turns to look at the
boys] |
| Some Guy: |
Dude. |
| George Bush: |
Not working on the ladder? But the Japanese won't let
us use theirs. |
| Kyle: |
Kenny didn't have the ticket stub. It was in his room.
So we got all our candy, and you can all go home. |
| Randy: |
Wait, are you saying that you boys only wanted to build
a ladder to heaven so you could get some candy?? |
| Cartman: |
...I've never heard the words "only" and "candy" in the
same sentence before. |
| Field Reporter: |
But... what about yoru lost friend? What about your
fragile innocence and believing we could all get to heaven? |
| Stan: |
Yeah, well people make us kids believe that heaven is
this white place with fluffy clouds and angels... |
| Kyle: |
Yeah,
but now we think maybe heaven isn't a place you can get to, maybe
heaven is just an idea. A frame of mind or, or something gay like that.
Maybe heaven... is this moment, right now. |
| General: |
So, you're saying we should bomb this moment, right
now. Right! Johnson! |
| Johnson: |
Sir! |
| Randy: |
No,
no. We shouldn't bomb anybody. These boys are right. The only heaven we
can hope for is one here on earth, now. We should stop waiting to get
into heaven and start trying to... create it. |
| Crowd: |
Awwww. [the crowd begins to disperse and people begin
to cry in appreciation] |
| Bush: |
[moving off with his staff] And I was dumb enough to
believe Saddam could actually be up there buildin' bombs. |
| Alan Jackson: |
Where were you when they decided heaven was a more
intangible idea 'n you couldn't, you couldn't really get there?
[walks up to the boys] You little bastards ruined my latest song!
[drives his guitar into the snow, breaking it, then walks away] |
| Kyle: |
Well, I'm sure glad this is all over with. Let's go
count our candy. |
| Stan: |
Yeah. But what about Kenny. His soul is still in
Cartman's body. |
| Cartman: |
[chuckles] No no, I just drank his memories. I'm not
sharing my body with that poor piece of crap. Stop calling me poor, you
fat dick! [looks stunned] ...Oh Jesus Christ. |
| Kyle: |
Whoa. [shakes Cartman around] Kenny, you in there? |
| Cartman: |
Stop it! Where am I, you guys? Oh God! [runs off] |
| Stan: |
Dude, come back here! [chases after Cartman] |
| Kyle: |
Stop him, Kenny! [follows them off. The camera suddenly
pans up] |
| |
[Heaven. Weapons of mass
destruction are seen among the clouds. Saddam is right there shouting
directions] |
| Saddam Hussein: |
Keep those nitrogen capsules over there by the
warheads! Right. Chop-chop. Come on! |
| God: |
[a bright beam of light lands on Saddam, who shields
his eyes] Saddam. I've been hearing rumors that you're secretly
building weapons of mass destruction up here. |
| Saddam Hussein: |
Weapons of mass destruction? Nooo! This is a chocolate
chip factory. See? [displays boxes of "Saddam's Heavenly Chocolate
Chips"] |
| God: |
It looks like a chemical weapons plant. |
| Saddam Hussein: |
Look, God, if I was gonna secretly build a chemical
weapons plant, I wouldn't make it look like a chemical weapons plant,
would I? I'd make it look like a chocolate chip factory or something. |
| God: |
...Alright, just checking. [removes the beam of light] |
| Saddam Hussein: |
[giggles] Stupid asshole! [goes back to work] |
| |
[End of A Ladder to Heaven] |
