| |
[Cartman's
house, day. In his room, Cartman has Kyle's cousin Kyle tally up his
good and bad deeds to see where he will end up this year. Cousin Kyle
is seated at Cartman's desk with piles of paper to go through and an
adding machine to keep it all current.] |
| Cousin Kyle: |
Av-a-a-alright, I'm done. |
| Cartman: |
You're done? |
| Cousin Kyle: |
Ye-yes, I-I've tallied up all the times you've been
naughty and deducted the times you've been nice. |
| Cartman: |
Yeah, so how's it look? |
| Cousin Kyle: |
It doesn't look good, Eric. It doesn't look good. |
| Cartman: |
But I'll still be getting presents this year, right? |
| Cousin Kyle: |
a-a-aactually it looks like you're gonna owe Santa
three hundred and six presents. |
| Cartman: |
What?! |
| Cousin Kyle: |
Four thousand three hundred and twelve instances of
being naughty against three deductions of being nice, is is, is bad. |
| Cartman: |
Three?? You didn't deduct all my nice invoices! Look
look! What about this one? [lifts up a sheet from the desk] |
| Cousin Kyle: |
Yes, wa-a-I didn't think "hitting Clyde in the balls
with slingshot" really counted as nice. |
| Cartman: |
It was nice for Token; he laughed for like 20 minutes. |
| Cousin Kyle: |
Ye you can't deduct things like that, Eric. Santa will
know and then he'll come after you. |
| Cartman: |
[lunges at Cousin Kyle and grabs him by the left arm]
God-damnit I have to get that Haibo robot doll, you sonofabitch! |
| Cousin Kyle: |
Hey hey, [Cartman lets go] I'm just your
naughty-and-nice accoutant! Don't blame me for the numbers! |
| Cartman: |
Haven't
you seen the Haibo doll? It's like a pet, a robot pet. You have to feed
it and pet it or else it dies, and it's the coolest thing ever! Santa
has to bring me one! |
| Cousin Kyle: |
But what, look, aren't there any other nice things
you've done recently we can write off here? |
| Cartman: |
[thinks a minute] Uh... Oh! I brushed my teeth last
night! |
| Cousin Kyle: |
Eh... brushing your teeth isn't naughty or nice...
Eric, it just, it falls more into the category of... brushing your
teeth. |
| Cartman: |
Well there's still time before Christmas! Can't I still
make up for it? |
| Cousin Kyle: |
If you cure cancer... and AIDS next week, you would
still owe two presents. |
| Cartman: |
Jesus Christ! |
| Cousin Kyle: |
Ah I'm afraid you're gonna have to find a way to do...
the nicest, greaatest thing anyone has ever done. Ever. [sets his
glasses right] |
| |
[South
Park city hall, outside, night. A decorated Christmas tree stands at
one side of the entrance as the Mayor stands at the dais] |
| Mayor McDaniels: |
Good evening, everyone. In a moment we'll be lighting
the South Park Christmas Tree to kick off the holidays! |
| Townsfolk: |
Hooray!! Christmas Tree! Christmas Tree! [Everyone
in town is there, and some out of towners too. Seen in the crowd are
Mr. and Mrs. Stotch, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh, Shelley, Mr. Mackey, Principal
Victoria, Chef and his parents, Mr. and Mrs. Broflovski, Skeeter, Dr.
Mephesto and Kevin, a Visitor, Fr. Maxi, Big-Gay Al, Mr. Adler, The
Thompsons, a freak, Lolly, Mr. and Mrs. McCormick, and Kevin McCormick]
Christmas Tree! |
| Cartman: |
[walks up to Stan and Kyle, who are holding candy canes]
Hi guys! ["Christmas Tree!" Cartman is feeling quite cheerful. He hugs
both Stan and Kyle] Very Merry Christmas. God bless one, everyone! [he
lets go] |
| Kyle: |
[naturally weary of Cartman's cheer]What are you doing,
Cartman? |
| Cartman: |
I'm just letting you know how special you are to me. |
| Mayor McDaniels: |
But now, before we light the tree, I think we should
all reflect for a moment on those who are less fortunate than us. [That
gets the boys' attention]
Right now in Iraq there are children who fear us and what we might do
to their country. The threat of war touches us all, but over in Iraq,
their is no Christmas. They have nothing. |
| Jimbo: |
[to Ned] Ah I hate when the Mayor uses Christmas for
her own political agenda. [uses his hands to make a megaphone and yells]
Light the damn tree! |
| Townsfolk: |
YEAH! Christmas Tree! Christmas Tree! |
| Cartman: |
You guys, that's it! |
| Kyle: |
What's it? |
| Cartman: |
Don't you see? This time of year we should be bringing
Christmas to the less fortunate! Follow me! [leaves in high spirits,
then returns] You guys, come on! Right now! [Stan and Kyle shrug, then
follow Cartman.] |
| Mayor McDaniels: |
Ahalright, here to light the Christmas Tree is a very
special young man who shows us all the true meaning of Christmas.
Jimmy. [aide 2 sets up a small mic for Jimmy to sing into. The crowd
cheers as Jimmy approaces the mic.] |
| Jimmy: |
Wow,
what a terrific audience. Thank you for giving me this great honor,
Mayor. B-before I l, l.. light the tree, I was wondering if I could
sing... my favorite ...Christmas song, real quick. |
| Townsfolk: |
[sympathizing] Awww |
| Mayor McDaniels: |
Well, we'd love a Christmas song, wouldn't we, folks? |
| Townsfolk: |
Christmas songs! Christmas songs! Christmas songs! |
| Jimmy: |
Alright, h-here it goes. On
the first day of C-...c...c.. chrih.. stmas my tr... t-tru-true love
g-geh... g-g-geh... gave... to... m..m-m-m...m-mm-m-m... me... a pa...
a pa... pah... |
| Mr. Garrison: |
Oh no. [Mr. Slave, dressed in Santa bondage suit,
stands next to him] |
| |
[Cartman's
house, night. Cartman is rushing out of his house with all sorts of
presents. Stan and Kyle just stand there looking at him run around.] |
| Cartman: |
[breathlessly, comes out with the box and sets it down
near the driveway] ...and here's some old toys that I don't need
anymore. [rushes back inside] And here! Here's some Christmas cookies!
[comes out with the box of cookies and sets it down] And some holly and
mistletoe! [rushes in to get it, then comes out with the box, setting
it next to the box of toys]
Oh, this'll the happiest Christmas the Middle East has ever seen! Guys,
get those lights down from the door. We'll give them to the needy
Iraqis, too. |
| Stan: |
Cartman, why are you doing this? |
| Cartman: |
They don't have Christmas there, guys. We have to give
it to them. |
| Kyle: |
That's a retarded idea that won't work. Why are you
really doing this? |
| A voice: |
[the boys look up and to their right] Hoooowwwwdy ho!
[Mr.
Hankey skips into view, from a house rooftop, to a garage rooftop, to
hovering in front of the boys. Magic dust accompanies him] |
| Kyle: |
Mr. Hankey! [an instrumental of Mr. Hankey's theme song
plays] |
| Cartman: |
[annoyed, softly] Oh I hate this stupid Christmas poo.
[in normal voice] Hello, Mr. Hankey! A Merry Christmas to you! |
| Mr. Hankey: |
Gee whiz, things sure look Christmasy out here. What
are you boys doin'? |
| Kyle: |
Cartman is trying to bring Christmas to Iraq. |
| Cartman: |
The people of Iraq deserve a good Christmas just like
everyone else. |
| Mr. Hankey: |
Well, gosh, Eric, looks like you really have the
Christmas spirit! [Cartman bounces around joyously] I know someone who
can help. Santa Claus! |
| Cartman: |
Really? |
| Stan, Kyle: |
Really? |
| Mr. Hankey: |
Sure. We should take this stuff to him right away! |
| Kyle: |
But how are we gonna get to the North Pole? |
| Mr. Hankey: |
Oh, that's no problem! We just need a little Christmas
magic. [raises
his little arms and stirs up some magic dust. He unleashes it on a
manhole cover in the middle of the street, which begins to rumble. The
sewer underneath the manhole cover bubbles up and blows the cover off,
and the poo spread and swirls around. A small tornado moves from side
to side, then clears away, revealing a small train made of poo.] All
aboad the Poo Choo Express! |
| Cartman: |
Wow! |
| Stan: |
Wuh, that smells. [lifts the front of his jacket over
his nose] |
| Kyle: |
Yeah. [does the same] |
| Mr. Hankey: |
Next stop, the North Pole! |
| Cartman: |
[grabs the box of holly and mistetoe and heads for the
train] Get the rest of the stuff you guys! |
| Stan: |
Uh, I don't really wanna get on there. [Cartman stops] |
| Kyle: |
Me neither. |
| Cartman: |
You guys, we have to bring Christmas to those less
fortunate! [moves on] Now come on! |
| Mr. Hankey: |
Let's go, Poo Choo Train! [pulls on the whistle cord] |
| Whistle: |
Poo Choo! [the trains lurches forward and leaves a
train of poo behind. Soon it's running smoothly] |
| Mr. Hankey: |
Poo Choo Train's layin' down its tracks with a |
| Whistle: |
Poo Choo! |
| Mr. Hankey: |
All the way and back! |
| Cartman: |
Poo Poo Train is my favorite thing, spreading Christmas
joy as we ride and sing! |
| Kyle: |
Dude, what the hell has gotten into Cartman?? |
| Stan: |
I don't know. |
| Mr. Hankey: |
Christmastime wouldn't be the same without hugs and
kisses and a Poo Choo Train.
- [from a view in space, the train is seen making its
way to the North Pole]
|
| |
[South Park. Jimmy is still
singing] |
| Jimmy: |
...and a par-tridge in a... p...pear t...t...tree. On
the third day of C...Chrihhh...Chriiii... |
| |
[The North Pole. The Poo Choo
Train pulls into view, then stops] |
| Mr. Hankey: |
Here we are, kids. The North Pole. [Stan and Kyle run
off the train and put some distance between it and themselves] |
| Stan: |
Awww! [both of them release their breath and start
coughing] |
| Kyle: |
Finally! |
| Stan: |
God, it took forever! |
| Cartman: |
Wow, is that where Santa lives? |
| Mr. Hankey: |
That's it. Santa's Fortress of Solitude. [The
fortress is shown in all its icy glory. The boys and Mr. Hankey head
for the entrance. Two icy door slide apart and a gnome appears] |
| Gnome 1: |
Mr. Hankey! |
| Mr. Hankey: |
We need to see Santa right away on urgent Christmas
business. |
| Gnome 1: |
Sure thing! |
| |
[The workshop. The group
enters. Gnomes are busy everywhere, moving gifts around, decorating
Christmas trees] |
| Kyle: |
Hey. Aren't you guys the underpants gnomes? |
| Gmome 1: |
Ten months out of the year. But this time of year we
help Santa! [leads the group out of the workshop] Here he is! [the
group comes across Santa at his desk reading a list of names] |
| Santa: |
[turns around] Ho ho hoo! Merry Christmas! |
| Stan, Kyle, Cartman: |
[impressed] Wow! |
| Mr. Hankey: |
Howdy ho, Santa! |
| Santa: |
[with open arms, approaches] Mr. Hankey, how are you? |
| Mr. Hankey: |
All ready for Christmas? |
| Santa: |
I was just starting to look over the new naughty and
nice list the gnomes prepared for me. |
| Cartman: |
Oh, heh. Are the uh tabulations all closed up then? |
| Santa: |
Oh no, they keep it open until midnight of Christmas
Eve. Some kids actually try to cram in a lot of niceness right at the
end. |
| Cartman: |
[brushes it off] Oh, that's so lame of them. [Stan
looks at him] |
| Mr. Hankey: |
Santa, my friends are trying to do something very
special this Christmas. Tell him, Eric. |
| Cartman: |
[with hands behind his back]
Well Santa, it's just that... I was thinking about the people in Iraq
who are afraid that we might bomb them and I just thought, well, maybe
it wouldn't hurt to send them a little bit of our Christmas spirit as
well. |
| Santa: |
You
know you're right. Santa hasn't been to that of the world in a looong
time. Perhaps Santa could bring peace to this whole situation. |
| Cartman: |
That's what I thought. |
| Santa: |
Gnomes! [the gnomes gather around him] Load up the
sleigh with toys! Santa's going to make a special run! |
| Mr. Hankey: |
All right! |
| Santa: |
And you boys can all watch me from our flight control
room. |
| Cartman: |
Hooray! |
| |
[South Park. Jimmy is still
singing] |
| Jimmy: |
...and a par-tridge in a... p...pear tree. On the
...fourth day of C...C...Ca...Chriiiistmas my t-true love g-ge-gave to
me-mee. |
| |
[The North Pole Flight Control
Room. The gnomes and boys enter the room, which is fully decorated in
Christmas cheer] |
| Gnome 1: |
This
is Santa's flight control center. From here, we can monitor Santa from
satellite as he travels the globe delivering presents. |
| Kyle: |
Wow, cool! |
| Mr. Hankey: |
Hey, it looks like Santa has already made it to
Baghdad. [four camera angles show Santa arriving in Baghdad: two side
angles, one overhead, one front] |
| |
[Baghdad, Iraq. Santa sails
over the city] |
| Santa: |
Ho ho hoo! Merry Christmas, everyone! [the
Iraqi adults stop and look up. Two presents drop down before a house,
the door opens, and two kids look at the gifts with saucer eyes. They
come out and pick up the gifts, grinning brightly. They glance up at
Santa, then look back at their gifts] Ho ho hoo! A Merry Christmas to
all! |
| Iraqi Man 1: |
[black beard] Paka klakalaka |
| Iraqi Man 2: |
[white beard] Anah kakadakadaka. |
| Santa: |
Merry Christmas! [An
Iraqi man shows up with a shoulder-mounted bazooka, aims at Santa, and
fires the rocket. The sleigh is hit and Santa loses control of it.] I'm
hit! I'm hit! [switch to North Pole] |
| Gnome 1: |
Sleigh is hit! I repeat! Sleigh is hit! [switch to
Baghdad] |
| Gnome 2: |
Ultimate failure at o-sixhundred feet! [the sleigh
swings around violently, tossing Santa off. Santa holds on to one of
the skids] |
| Santa: |
Hold on! [climbs up to the sleigh cab] Sleigh is going
down! [switch to North Pole] |
| Gnome 1: |
Sleigh is going down! I repeat! Sleigh is going down! |
| Stan: |
Hang on, Santa! [switch to Baghdad] |
| Gnome 3: |
[heard on the sleigh's radio] Sleigh 1 is going down!
We are going down! [more
chatter is heard as the sleigh heads for a crash landing. The sleigh
strikes the edge of a building's rooftop and knocks away some of the
façade] |
| Gnome 4: |
[on the sleigh's radio] Don't look down! Don't look
down! Repeat! Don't look down! [the
sleigh crashes and everyone who's on the ground looks for a place to
hide. Presents are spilled all over. The area is soom empty save for
Santa and the sleigh. Color vanishes. Switch to North Pole] |
| Gnome 1: |
[on the sleigh's radio] We got a red sleigh down. We
got a red sleigh down. [Arabic music is heard as the boys look at the
devastation] Red Sleigh 2, this is North Pole. [no response. The boys
are in shock] Red Sleigh 1, this is North Pole. [no response] Mr.
Kringle? [after a moment, turns around] |
| Gnome 5: |
Jesus Christ, they killed him! |
| Cartman: |
No! Santa Claus can't be dead. He... He can't. |
| Stan: |
Wny would Iraqis do that? Why? |
| Mr. Hankey: |
It certainly doesn't seem very Christmasy of them. |
| Santa: |
[over the radio] North Pole. This is Santa. |
| Mr. Hankey: |
Santa! Are you alright? |
| Gnome 2: |
What is your status? |
| Santa: |
[on screen]
Sleigh is down. Reindeer... all dead. Both Santa's legs are broken.
Santa's... very sad. Santa will have to... oh no. They're coming for
me! [the other gnomes begin to stream into the control room] Stay back,
you bastards! Stay back! [the communications link is lost] |
| Stan: |
Oh no. |
| Cartman: |
Well what are you gnomes sitting there for?! You have
to go rescue him! |
| Gnome 5: |
What the hell are we supposed to do?! We're like nine
inches tall! |
| Cartman: |
[blubbering] Now I'm never gonna get my Haibo robot
doll! |
| Kyle: |
Is that what this is all about?! [Stan shoots a
quizzical stare] You came up with this whole idea so you could get a
stupid toy?! [Stan is angry now] |
| Cartman: |
It's not stupid! It's a toy that you can starve! If you
don't feed it, it dies. It's sooo cool. |
| Stan: |
Well good going, asshole! Thanks to you, there's not
gonna be any Christmas, and there's no one left to help us! |
| Cartman: |
Oh, Christ. |
| Stan, Kyle, Cartman: |
[gasp] Jesus! |
| Mr. Hankey: |
Hey, that's right. Jesus can save anybody. |
| Gnome 2: |
Follow me. You can take Santa's backup sleigh. [walks
off. Mr. Hankey, the other gnomes, and the boys follow him] |
| |
[South Park City Hall. Jimmy
is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas] |
| Jimmy: |
On the fifth... day... day of... Christmas, [the
townsfolk have begun to fall asleep] ...my t-true love gave to... uh...
me. Five g-g-g... golden ruh-ring... rings. [one of the mayor's aides
falls asleep on her shoulder] Fuhgom... don... t-t... don... four
cal...ling buh-irr |
| |
[The North Pole, Fortress of
Solitude] |
| Gnome 2: |
We fed Jesus Christ's data into the autopilot. This
slide should be able to take you right to him. |
| Stan: |
I hope so, or else Santa Claus is as good as dead. |
| Gnome 2: |
Here it is. Red Sleigh 2. [shown with its own team of
reindeer] |
| Cartman: |
Come on, gang, it's up to us to save Christmas! |
| Mr. Hankey: |
Tell Santa's workers to keep making toys. We'll have
Santa back in no time! |
| Kyle: |
Uhhh, how d- how do we start this thing? |
| Gnome 2: |
You just have to call out the reindeer's names. |
| Cartman: |
Oh yeah! On Dasher, on Prancer, on Comet- |
| Gnome 2: |
No, no, they're all dead. You have to call out the new
ones. [each reindeer is highlighted as its name is called] On Steven,
on Fluffy, on Horace, on Chantel. On Skippy, on Rainbow, on Patches, on
Montel. [the reindeer move forward and the sleigh soon rises into the
sky] Good luck finding Jesus! [waves goodbye after them] |
| |
[The night sky. The boys sail
along the winds] |
| Cartman: |
Wow, look, you guys! We're riding in Santa's sleigh! |
| Mr. Hankey: |
We should be able to find Jesus in no time! |
| Cartman: |
I'm riding in Santa's sleigh. So high above the trees
at Christmastime. With candy-cane wishes and smiles- |
| Kyle: |
What are you doing? |
| Cartman: |
[looks at Kyle, then lowers his eyelids a bit] I'm
having a precious Christmastime moment, Kyle, if you don't mind. |
| Kyle: |
Singing
a Christmas song isn't gonna get you nice deductions, Cartman! Don't
forget: it's because of you that Santa's sleigh got shot down! |
| Cartman: |
[draws close to Kyle] Hey, it isn't my fault that
Iraqis are filled with hate! |
| Kyle: |
All I'm saying is that it's gonna take a lot of singing
to make up for that! |
| Cartman: |
[resumes
his position in back of the sleigh and speeds up his song] It's
Christmas magic time, inside the sleigh, so high in the sky, eh with
candy canes and chimney smiles, eh... |
| |
[South Park City Hall. Jimmy
is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas. The townsfolk get sleepier] |
| Jimmy: |
Six geese are laying... fu...five go-oldenh ...uhrings.
Fodom... dom... du...du...t...du... Four calling biiirds |
| |
[Baghdad.
Santa is being hauled down a hall by three Iraqi soldiers. He's got
bruises here and there, a bloody nose, a black eye. They enter a room] |
| Santa: |
Where are you taking me?? [one soldier seems to order
the other two to strap Santa into a chair] You are all being very
naughty. [a general enters] |
| Iraqi General: |
[soft-spoken] Why you come to Iraq, my main man? |
| Santa: |
[a soldier ladles some water onto Santa] To bring
happiness and joy to the children. |
| Iraqi General: |
And this is...? [carries a toy train and dangles a car
in front of Santa] This is what you think brings happy? [walks behnd
Santa] This is material... [thrusts the toy train at Santa over the
shoulder] This is commercialism! My country is sick. Sick! [throws the
toy train onto Santa's body and walks away] |
| Santa: |
No, your country has just lost all its Christmas
spirit. [a soldier approaches and opens Santa's pants.] What's going on
here?! |
| Iraqi General: |
America wants to bomb my house, my main man. They want
to kill my wife and children. We need to know... what is their plan? |
| Santa: |
I don't know, I live in the North Pole. [the general
leaves, then soon returns with two rods attached to cables. A soldier
cranks up the device they're connected to] What are you doing?? |
| Iraqi General: |
They say that the Chinese were the first to experiment
with a little shock to the testicles. |
| Santa: |
Oh no. Not Santa's balls! [The
general descends on Santa's balls and makes them glow. This part is not
shown, save for a shot of Santa's back and a glow coming from the front
side. A few seconds later the general removes the rods and rises, and
the glow fades. Santa coughs] |
| Iraqi General: |
What else is America planning?! |
| Santa: |
[coughs some more, spits, and faces the general] I'm
gonna fucking kill you! |
| Iraqi General: |
You're not in a position to kill anyone, my main man! I
just want you to tell me America's plan! |
| Santa: |
Then we're in for a long night, 'cause I don't know
shit! [the general glances at the soldier, who ratches the charger up
higher. Santa screams in pain] |
| |
[An Italian church. Jesus
stands at the altar receiving parishioners, blessing them for one thing
or another] |
| Jesus: |
[blessing an elderly man with a few drops of wine] In
nome del mio padre, siete guarito. ["In the name of my Father, you are
healed."] |
| Elderlay man: |
[as he is led away] Benedicali! Benedicali! ["Bless
you! Bless you!"] |
| Woman: |
Jesus, mio bambino no puoi sentirsi. ["Jesus, my son
can't feel himself." (he's numb)] |
| Jesus: |
[blesses the infant] Il vostro bambino se arguisto.
["Your son ..."] |
| Woman: |
Bene, Benedicali! ["Bless,
bless you!" The boys' voices are now heard inside the church and the
congregants look around. The sleigh crashes though a window and glass
showers down over Jesus and the other people present] La morte rossa!
["The red death!" The sleigh alights and stops] |
| Mr. Hankey: |
Hooowdy ho! [the churchgoers panic and run out of the
church.] |
| Cartman: |
Jesus! |
| Jesus: |
Stan, Kyle, Mr. Hankey and Eric Cartman. What are you
doing here, my children? |
| Stan: |
Jesus, Santa's sleigh was shot down over Iraq! |
| Jesus: |
Santa? Is he alright? |
| Kyle: |
We don't know. They lost all contact with him. |
| Jesus: |
We have to get him out of there. |
| Mr. Hankey: |
Do you know a way? |
| Jesus: |
Yes. Yes, I think I do. [approaches an ornate cabinet]
We need a little Christmas miracle. [slides the door open to reveal an
armory. He starts taking out an Uzi] Lock and load! We're goin' in! |
| |
[South Park City Hall. Jimmy
is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas. The townsfolk get sleepier] |
| Jimmy: |
On the s...seventh day of Christmas my t...true love ... |
| |
[The interrogation room. The
general continues shock treatment on Santa's balls.] |
| Iraqi General: |
You're a sick capitalist dog, my main man! [jabs the
balls again, and Santa howls in pian] |
| |
[Baghdad. Jesus, Mr. Hankey,
and the boys arrive and sail over the city] |
| Cartman: |
This is Baghdad? God, what a shithole! [Jesus looks
over, Cartman notices] I mean, oh wow, these poor unfortunate people. |
| Gnome: |
Red Sleiogh 2, come in. |
| Stan: |
We're here. |
| Gnome: |
You're coming up on the source of the signal. You're
right on top of him! |
| Jesus: |
He must be in that building below us. Land it on the
roof, Mr. Hankey. |
| Mr. Hankey: |
Howdy ho, Jesus. [the sleigh lands and a rooftop door
opens.] |
| Soldier 1: |
[clean-shaven] Gankueda! |
| Jesus: |
[steps off the sleigh and holds his arms up] Wait here,
I can handle this. |
| Soldier 2: |
[bearded] Kinkeda? Kinkakueda! |
| Jesus: |
Yay, look upon me, and know me. |
| Soldier 1: |
Halak balah! |
| Soldier 2: |
Kli malah! |
| Jesus: |
My children, you should know something. [a dagger
shoots out and gets into position by his left arm] I'm packing.
[quickly
jabs the clean-shaven soldier in the throat, and the soldier gags to
death. A gun with silencer descends along Jesus' right arm. He takes
that and quickly kills the bearded soldier. He calls otu to the others
on the sleigh] Let's go! [Mr. Hankey and the boys leave the sleigh] |
| Cartman: |
This is such a magical Christmas adventure, you guys. |
| |
[South Park City Hall. Jimmy
is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas. The townsfolk get sleepier] |
| Jimmy: |
On the el- el- el- eleventh of C- Christmas my t...true
love gave to me, e-eleven p-p-pipers p-pu-p-piping... |
| |
[The interrogation room. The
general is now making Santa swallow a can of oil] |
| Iraqi General: |
Drink it! Drink the oil! This is all you Western
capitalists want! [Jesus bursts through the door.] |
| Santa: |
Jesus Christ! [Jesus
kills the soldier at the charging station, then the other soldier. The
genetal holds up his hands. Jesus shoots him on the left know and he
falls.] |
| Iraqi General: |
Ach! |
| Santa: |
Oh! Thank! Thank God for you, Jesus! [Jesus walks up to
Santa and unties him] |
| Jesus: |
Here. [hands him a gun] Can you walk? |
| Santa: |
Santa's legs are broken. [Jesus moves his hands over
them, then steps back] |
| Jesus: |
There, they are healed. [walks
off. Santa follows, but turns around to face the general, who is
cowering now. Santa fixes his gaze on the general and aims the gun.
After a few intense moments Santa moves the gun off and fires twice.
Jesus comes up behind Santa] Santa... |
| Santa: |
I just couldn't do it. [Santa didn't miss after all.
The general got one bullet to the brain, another one that split his
head open] I just couldn't let him live. He shocked Santa's balls!
[sirens go off] |
| Mr. Hankey: |
More soldiers are coming! |
| Jesus: |
Let's move. Move! |
| |
[South Park City Hall. Jimmy
is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas.] |
| Jimmy: |
Eight... maids are... milking... |
| |
[A hallway. Jesus leads the
others out] |
| Jesus: |
[stops at the foot of a stairway and turns around] Get
up the stairs! The sleigh is on the roof! [a soldier comes down the
stairs] |
| Kyle: |
Jesus, behind you! [Jesus looks at the boys. The
soldier shoots Jesus in the back] |
| Stan, Kyle, Cartman: |
[in slow motion] Jesus! [in slow motion, Jesus wobbles
a bit and then falls] |
| Santa: |
[in slow motion] No! [fires away with his gun, killing
the soldier. He then approaches Jesus and holds him] Jesus. Jesus!
[Jesus stammers, but nothing comes out of his mouth] No... don't worry,
Jesus, it's nothing. It's just a scratch. |
| Jesus: |
You're a... bad liar. [the boys are speechless] Yay.
B-but we sure gave them one hell of a fight, huh? |
| Santa: |
We sure did, Jesus |
| Stan: |
[finding his voice] Dude, this is pretty fucked up
right here. |
| Jesus: |
Uh Santa? |
| Santa: |
[quickly answers] I'm here, Jesus. |
| Jesus: |
Don't... don't ever... let them take away... our...
Christmas spirit. [Jesus takes his last breath and expires. His halo
disappears] |
| Stan: |
Oh my God. The Iraqis killed Jesus. |
| Kyle: |
You bastards. [behind them, soldiers mass at the other
end of the hall] |
| Santa: |
[with a gun on each arm] Come on, kids! [turns around
and rushes up the stairs. The kids follow] |
| |
[The building's rooftop. Santa
leads the boys out while firing at the pursuing Iraqi soldiers] |
| Santa: |
Get to the sleigh! Get to the sleigh! [the
boys run by screaming as Santa mows the soldiers down with both
semiautomatics. More soldiers pour out, more bodies pile up. The boys
sit down in the sleigh, and Stan and Kyle take the reins] |
| Mr. Hankey: |
Start the sleigh! |
| Stan: |
Uh, on Steven, on Fluffy, on Horace, on Chantel. Uhh... |
| Kyle: |
On Skippy, on Rainbow, on Patches, on Montel. [the
sleigh begins to move forward and Santa runs out of ammo. He drops the
guns and heads for the moving sleigh. He hops in and the remaining
soldiers fire at the departing sleigh. The sleigh goes up and away] |
| Cartman: |
Look at me, I'm riding high in Santa's sleigh. It's
Christmas special time for me- |
| Kyle: |
Oh shut up, Cartman! Your Sweet Christmas act isn't
fooling anybody! |
| Cartman: |
Eh, it's not an act, Kyle! All I wanted was for these
people to understand what Christmas means. |
| Santa: |
You're right, kid. [turns the sleigh around] |
| Mr. Hankey: |
What are you doin', Santa? |
| Santa: |
I came to bring Christmas to Iraq and by God I'm gonna
do it! [presses a button on his dashboard.] |
| |
[Panels
on either side of the sleigh body open up to reveal bombs and a
controller rises up in front of Santa. He releases the reins and fires
a rocket. It heads for a building and Iraqis move out of the way. It
hits its target, but instead of destroying it, the bomb decorates the
building in Christmas cheer. Strings of lights decorate the windows and
a Christmas tree appears at the door. "Joy To The World" plays as snow
comes down from the sky. The Iraqis approach in wonder] |
| Santa: |
Hohoho! Merry Christmas! [the
sleigh sails above a street and Santa strafes the buildings on either
side with more bombs. Each of the buildings is decorated with lights
and Christmas trees, and presents appear under the trees. The sleigh
goes down another street and bombs another building. It too is
decorated] |
| Soldier: |
[directing another soldier with a bazooka ready to fire]
Dakadaka! |
| Stan: |
RPG, four o'clock! |
| |
[Santa
activates a laser, which rises over the boys and fires at the soldier's
bazooka. It becomes a giant candy cane. The soldiers are surprised.
Santa fires at a group of people holding baskets of bread and a woman
holding a chicken. The baskets become gifts, while the chicken becomes
a large gingerbread man. A rifle in one man's hands becomes a Christmas
wreath.] |
| Mr. Hankey: |
Boy, things are starting to look Christmasy now! |
| Santa: |
Merry Christmas! Hohoho! |
| |
[Santa
makes another pass down a decorated street and drops five more bombs.
They leave behind five snowmen. The Iraqis are surprised and confused
by all these presents. The kids are terribly pleased with theirs.] |
| Santa: |
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
Hohohohoho! |
| |
[South
Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas. The
mayor's assistants are asleep and the mayor is getting sleepy] |
| Jimmy: |
And a p-p-par-tridge in a p-peeeaaar treeee. [a moment
of silence follows. No more is heard from Jimmy] |
| Mayor McDaniels: |
That's it? That's it! The song's over! We can light the
tree! [heads for the dais. Her aides follow. The townsfolk rouse
themselves.] |
| Towsfolk: |
[cheering heartily] Hurrah! Woohoo! Yay! |
| Jimbo: |
Oh, finally! |
| Mayor McDaniels: |
Go on, Jimmy! There's only five more seconds until
Christmas! [hands
him the detonator by which to light the tree. The townsfolk are glad
with anticipation, making fists. Jimmy lowers the trigger, the tree
lights up and goes dark, and then a bulb explodes] |
| Towsfolk: |
Awwww! |
| Randy: |
Christmas is ruined again! [they begin to disperse, but
jingle bells stop them in their tracks] |
| Santa: |
[heard over the jingle bells] Ho ho ho! [Santa flies
over the gathering and drops a bomb on the tree. It blazes forth with
bright lights] |
| Towsfolk: |
WOW!!! [cheering and applause follow. The sleigh lands
and the occupants disboard] |
| Randy: |
Stan! |
| Gerald: |
Kyle! |
| Kyle: |
[runs up to his parents] Mom! Dad! We rode on Santa's
sleigh! |
| Stan: |
[runs up to his parents] We brought Christmas to Iraq! |
| Santa: |
[approaches the dais] Everyone! Everyone, can I please
have your attention? [Cartman approaches his mom; they hug each other]
Christmas is a very special time of year, but... this year it almost
didn't happen. There's a man named Jesus who gave his life to save me.
And so I declare that every year on Christmas Day. we should remember
Jesus for what he did, and thank him for it. From now on, Christmas
will be a day for remembering a brave man named Jesus. |
| Towsfolk: |
[cheering heartily] Hooray! |
| Santa: |
Now, if you'll all excuse me, I've got a lot of work to
do. [leaves the dais] |
| Mr. Hankey: |
I'll help you, Santa! |
| Santa: |
[gets into his sleigh and looks over at the boys] Oh,
and boys, you might want to check under the Christmas tree. [the boys
are surprised, then happy. Stan leads them to the presents. Santa takes
the sleigh off the ground and away] Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! [the
boys reach their presents and check them over. For a moment they look
like the Iraqi kids. Their looks change back to normal as they rip off
the wrapping. They all get the same gift] |
| Stan: |
Wow! Look, you guys! Santa got us all Haibo dolls!
[Cartman's joy vanishes] |
| Cartman: |
Oh, God-damnit! |
| Kyle: |
Cartman, I thought all you wanted was a Haibo doll! |
| Cartman: |
Yeah, but not if you guys have one, too! Now it's
worthless and gay! God-damnit I'll never try to be nice again! [kicks
the toy away. The camera zooms out enough for a fourth person to walk
into the shot] |
| Stan: |
Well, all in all, I have to say this was a pretty
special Christmas. |
| Kenny: |
(Hey guys. What's goin' on?) |
| Stan: |
Oh, hey Kenny. |
| Kyle: |
Dude, where have you been? |
| Kenny: |
(Oh, I've just been hanging out.) |
| Kyle: |
Well come on! We gotta tell you what happened. I'm sure
glad it's over with. [walks away with his Haibo doll. Stan follows with
his Haibo doll, and Cartman follows with an angry look] |
| Stan: |
Yeah, but I feel like things are finally back to normal. |
| Kenny: |
(Yeah.) |
| |
[End of Red Sleigh Down] |
