| Intro: |
[FADE IN:
Very happy Disneyesque MUSIC swirls in. PAN DOWN from a pretty blue sky
to a small quaint town nestled in the hills. A wooden sign tells us
this is South Park.
EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE — DAY
Birds fly into the air, TOWNSPEOPLE smile to each other as they walk
by. It is a scene reminiscent of, if not directly ripped off from, the
opening number of 'Beauty and the Beast.' A little eight year old boy
walks happily down the street. He is STAN MARSH, a noble-looking boy
with piercing blue eyes and a strong chin. As he walks, he sings a
happy song] |
| Stan: |
I'm going to the movies to see the brighter
side of life!
I'm going to the movie. Everything's gonna be alright!
Forget all my troubles, put my own life on hold,
Let a studio tell me how I should view the world
Where everything works out, I love it that way.
I'm going to the movies, the movies today!
[merrily walks up to a crappy-looking house]
|
|
[INT. BEDROOM
— MORNING
We are in a young boy's bedroom, just as his alarm clock goes off.
BRRRRRTTT!!!] |
| Radio
Announcer: |
Good morning, South Park! It's five-thirty a..m on
Sunday!! Time to feed the horses and water the cows!! [From
the back we see the blond-haired kid sit up from his bed. He stretches
and then walks over to his closet. We still only see the boy from the
back as he reaches in his closet and pulls out an orange coat. The kid
puts the coat on, then turns to camera and pulls the hood shut, so that
we never get a good look at his face.] |
| Mother: |
[O.S.] KENNY! YO'RE GONNA BE LATE
FOR CHURCH!!! [This
boy's name is KENNY, and under his orange coat we have no idea what he
looks like, except for his European nose and hazel eyes.] |
| Kenny: |
Mph rmph rm! |
|
[INT. KENNY'S HOUSE
— KITCHEN
Kenny walks through his small, dirty house and into the kitchen, where
his MOTHER, FATHER, and OLDER BROTHER are sitting at the humble table] |
| Kenny's Mother: |
Sit down. You can share some of your brother's waffle. [The
doorbell rings. Kenny walks over to the door.] |
|
[INT. KENNY'S HOUSE
— DAY
Kenny opens the door to find Stan] |
| Stan: |
Kenny! The Terrance and Phillip movie is out. You wanna
come?! [shows him a newspaper clipping. It's an ad for the
new Terrance and Phillip movie, 'Asses of Fire.' Kenny's eyes light up.] |
| Kenny: |
Mph rmph rm, rmph [walks away with Stan. His
mother comes out after him]! |
| Kenny's Mother: |
Kenny! Where're you going? |
| Kenny: |
Mph mprh mprh rm! |
| Kenny's Mother: |
What do you mean you don't want to go to church? |
| Kenny: |
Mrmph, rmph rmph rm rmph. [he and Stan walk
down the street] |
| Kenny's Mother: |
Well fine, Go ahead and miss church!! And then, when
you die and go to hell, you can ANSWER TO SATAN!! [Dramatic
MUSIC STING. Kenny stops, thinks for a minute… and then
walks off with Stan anyway.] |
|
[EXT. SOUTH PARK
AVENUE — DAY
Stan and Kenny now both happily march down the street to the happy
beat. TOM, a plastic surgeon, peeps his head out the door of his
Rhinoplasty office.] |
| Tom: |
Say, where are you boys going? |
| Stan: |
We're going to the movies to see the brighter
side of life!
Where everyone is beautiful and have their hair combed just right! |
| Kenny: |
Mph rmph rm rmph rm! Mph rm rmph rm!
Mprh rm rmph rm rm rmph rm rmph rm rmph! |
| Tom: |
Have fun, you rascals! |
|
[EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE
— DAY
Kenny and Stan knock at the door. A handsome eight year old Semite,
KYLE, answers the door.] |
| Kyle: |
Hey, dudes… Aren't you supposed to go to
church, Kenny? |
| Stan: |
Kyle, check it out. [Kenny holds up the
newspaper clipping.] |
| Kyle: |
OH MY GOD, DUDE!!! [slips
on his coat and heads out the door. But just then, Kyle's little
brother, IKE, a two year old adopted Canadian boy bounces up next to
him] No, Ike! You can't come with me! |
| Kyle's Mother: |
[a big fat bitch, comes to the door and yells] Kyle, you take your little brother out to play with you! |
| Kyle: |
Aw, ma!! |
| Kyle's Mother: |
Do as I say, Kyle! [closes the door] |
| Kyle: |
Damn it!! |
|
[EXT. SOUTH PARK
AVENUE — DAY
Now the three boys, and little Ike, merrily strut down the street and
sing in unison.] |
| Boys: |
We're going to the movies to see the better
side of life!
Where something interesting happens every day and night! |
| Kyle: |
In movies we can pretend that love is real and
good always wins— |
| Stan: |
We can even make believe marriages last!
[a HOMELESS GUY is lying in the alley]
|
| Homeless Guy: |
Spare a dollar? Spare a dollar? [Stan walks
by and throws a dollar at him. He suddenly jumps up]
I'm going to the movies to see the brighter side of life!
I'm going to the movies. Everything's gonna be alright!
Forget my troubles, put my own life on hold,
Let a studio tell me how to view the world! |
| Kyle: |
Let's go get fatass! |
|
[EXT. ANOTHER HOUSE
— DAY
This house looks just like all the others
INT. THAT SAME HOUSE
CLOSE UP on a bag that reads, 'CHEESY POOFS.' A hand reaches into the
bag, pulls out a wad of orange crunchies and raises them —
BOOM UP to
reveal the fat face of eight year old ERIC CARTMAN, who chows down on
the chips. Now we see that fat little Eric is sitting on his couch,
eating Cheesy Poofs and watching television. The doorbell rings.
Cartman doesn't move a muscle] |
| Announcer: |
This program is brought to you by Snacky S'mores, the
creamy fun of s'mores in a delightful cookie crunch. [the
doorbell rings] |
| Cartman: |
MOM! SOMEBODY'S AT THE DOOR! [CARTMAN'S
MOTHER enters. She is extremely June Cleaveresque (except that she's a
hermaphrodite crack whore). She returns with Stan, Kyle, and Kenny.] |
| Cartman's
Mother: |
Look, Eric, it's your little friends. |
| Cartman: |
What are you guys doing here? |
| Ike: |
Baba turtre bad! [Kyle holds up the newspaper
ad] |
| Cartman: |
Ooh! |
|
[EXT. SOUTH PARK
AVENUE
Now all four boys are merrily walking down the the street and singing.] |
| Boys: |
We're going to the movies to see the better
side of life |
| Cartman: |
Maybe there'll be pirates! Or a whole city
burnin'!
Maybe we'll see a monster, or better yet, Una Thurman! |
| Boys: |
We're going to the movies! Everything's gonna
be okay!
[the boys skip out of frame]
|
|
[EXT. MOVIE THEATRE
— DAY
The movie theatre is nestled neatly between two other South Park
buildings. The boys walk up to the geeky teenage TICKET GUY.] |
| Boys: |
Going to the movies! The movies today!!!!! |
| Stan: |
Can I have five tickets to Terrance and
Phillip: Asses of Fire, please? |
| Ticket Guy: |
No. [Suddenly, all the happy music that had
permeated the film comes to an ABRUPT HALT. The boys look confused.] |
| Kyle: |
What'dya mean, "No"? |
| Ticket Guy: |
Terrance and Phillip: Asses of Fire is rated R. You kids can't get in. [the boys look shocked.
They just stand there, in silence] |
| Cartman: |
The hell we can't! My money is just as good as any
white person's! |
| Ticket Guy: |
You have to be accompanied by a parent or guardian. |
| Kyle: |
But why? |
| Ticket Guy: |
Because this movie has naughty language, and it might
make you kids start using bad words. |
| Cartman: |
Listen, you son of a bitch: if you don't let us in to
see this movie, I'm gonna kick you square in the nuts. |
| Ticket Guy: |
Sorry, Charlie. |
| Kyle: |
Damn it!! |
| Ticket Guy: |
Next, please? [A few TEENAGERS walk up to get
their tickets. The boys step aside.] |
| Stan: |
This is terrible! This can't be happening!! |
| Kyle: |
We HAVE to see this movie, dude! |
| Cartman: |
Aw, screw it. It probably isn't all that good anyway. |
| Kyle: |
Cartman! What are you talking about?! You LOVE Terrance
and Phillip! |
| Cartman: |
Yeah, but the animation's all crappy — it
probably can't sustain itself over ninety minutes. |
| Ike: |
Poo baba! |
| Stan: |
Wait, I've got an idea! |
|
[EXT. MOVIE THEATRE
— A LITTLE LATER
The old Homeless Guy from the intro song walks up to the Ticket Guy
with the boys.] |
| Homeless Guy: |
Uh, hi. I want five tickets to Terrance and
Phillip: Asses of Fire. |
| Ticket Guy: |
You realize this movie is rated R? This movie might not
be appropriate for your little ones. |
| Homeless Guy: |
Oh. [turning to boys] Hey, he says
this movie isn't appropriate for you. |
| Ticket Guy: |
[whispering] Look, Homeless Guy: If you don't want to buy us tickets, and NOT get
your ten bucks, and NOT go buy yourself a bottle of vodka, and not
forget about how miserable your life is, and not stop the voices in
your head, then be my guest! |
| Homeless Guy: |
Five tickets, please. [the Ticket Guy
suspiciously hands them over] |
|
[INT. MOVIE THEATRE
— DAY
The boys are all sitting in the front row. Cartman has a huge tub of
popcorn, all kinds of candy, and a large drink] |
| Ike: |
Purpre mama! |
| Kyle: |
Be quiet, Ike! The movie's starting! |
|
[ANGLE —
MOVIE SCREEN
A title reads 'Terrance and Phillip — Asses of Fire'] |
| Boys: |
Hooray!!! [on the screen we come across
PHILLIP, a very handsome Canadian star with a great body] |
| Phillip: |
Say, Terrance, what did the Spanish priest say to the
Uranian gynecologist? [PAN OVER to TERRANCE, who is also
Canadian, and equally handsome in a more rugged way.] |
| Terrance: |
I don't know, Phillip. What? [Phillip rips a
big fart. Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.] |
|
[ANGLE —
BOYS
Laughing their asses off.] |
| Kyle: |
That was sweet! |
| Stan: |
Where do they come up with this stuff?! |
| Cartman: |
How come Terrance and Phillip are so weird looking? |
| Kyle: |
Cuz, dummy, they're Canandian, just like Ike? |
| Cartman: |
Oh. |
| Ike: |
Poo bada! |
|
[ANGLE —
SCREEN] |
| Terrance: |
You're such a pigfucker, Phillip! |
| Phillip: |
What?! Why would you call me a pigfucker?! |
| Terrance: |
Well, let's see… First of all, you fuck
pigs. |
| Phillip: |
[thinks] Oh yeah! [Terrance
and Phillip laugh merrily] |
|
[ANGLE —
BOYS] |
| Kyle: |
Whoa, dude! Did they say what I think they said? |
|
[ANGLE —
SCREEN
Terrance pulls out a white envelope.] |
| Terrance: |
Well, fuck my ass and call me a bitch! I just got a
letter! |
| Phillip: |
A letter from who, you shit-sucking cockmaster! [TRACK
IN on the boys' wide-eyed faces as the dialogue from the film enters
their innocent ears.] |
| Terrance: |
It's from your mother. |
| Phillip: |
My mother sent YOU a letter? What's it say? |
| Terrance: |
It says, 'Dear Terrance, please don't ever tell my son
that I licked your hairy balls.' [Terrance and Phillip laugh
merrily.] |
| Phillip: |
Oh, you fucking ball whore! [Theh boys don't
laugh, they just smile widely. They seem busy taking it all in.] |
| Cartman: |
Wow… Ball whore… |
| Terrance: |
Listen, you donkey-raping shiteater,— |
| Kyle: |
[to himself] "Donkey-raping
shiteater." |
| Ike: |
"Doky maping she deeder!!!" |
| Terrance: |
—you'd fuck your uncle! |
| Phillip: |
YOU'D fuck your uncle! |
| Terrance: |
Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka!!
You're an asslicking ballsucking uncle fucka!!
You're an uncle fucka; yes, it's true!
Nobody fucks uncles quite like you! |
| Phillip: |
Shut your fucking face,
uncle fucka!!!
You're the one that fucked your uncle, uncle
fucka!!!
You don't eat or sleep or mow the lawn;
You just fuck your uncle all day long! |
| Terrance
& Phillip: |
Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka!
You butt-licking bastard, uncle fucka! |
| Terrance: |
You're an uncle fucka, I must say. |
| Phillip: |
You fucked YOUR uncle yesterday! |
| Terrance
& Phillip: |
Uncle fucka! That's YOUUUUUUU!!!!!
[the song ends and the boys erupt into applause.]
|
|
[EXT. MOVIE THEATRE
— DAY
The boys walk out of the theatre with glazed eyes and wide smiles.] |
| Kyle: |
Dude, that movie was fucking sweet! |
| Cartman: |
You bet your fucking ass it was! |
| Stan: |
Fuck, dude, I wanna be just like Terrance and Phillip! |
| Ticket Guy: |
Hey, wait a minute… Where's your guardian?! |
| Stan: |
Huh? |
| Ticket Guy: |
I knew it! You PAID a homeless guy to get you in,
didn't you?! [the boys think a second] |
| Cartman: |
Suck my balls! |
| Kyle: |
Yeah! [singing] Shut your fucking face, uncle
fucka!! |
| Ticket Guy: |
Oh oh. I'm in trouble. |
| Boys: |
[singing, fadingn off] You're an ass-licking
ball-sucking uncle fucka!! |
|
[EXT. STARK'S POND
— DAY
All
the children of South Park are gathered at the pond for ice-skating.
The scenen is reminiscent of the skating scene from the Charlie Brown
Christmas Special. Delicate snowflakes fall, children laugh and skate,
and joyous music plays. The boys walk up to the pond] |
| Clyde: |
Hey, where have you guys been all day? |
| Stan: |
Oh, nowhere… We just went to go see the
TERRANCE AND PHILLIP MOVIE! [All the kids gasp! Dramatic
MUSIC STING.] |
| Bebe: |
You saw it? |
| Clyde: |
How'd you get in?! [Suddenly, all the kids
are gathered around the boys. They're like celebrities.] |
| Cartman: |
Hey! Stop crowding us, you shitfaced cockmasters! [All
the kids stop, wide-eyed. As if they've just heard the voice of God.] |
| Kids: |
Wowwww… |
| Stan: |
Yeah, you're all a bunch of ass-ramming uncle fuckers. |
| Kids: |
Ooooohhh!!! |
| Clyde: |
[to another kid] We HAVE to see this
movie, dude. [the other kids nod] |
| Cartman: |
Hey, Stan. Tell 'em about when Terrance called Phillip
a testicle-shitting rectal wart. Stan? Stan? [But
Stan is elsewhere, because out on the ice, skating gracefully, is
little eight year old WENDY TESTABURGER. The heavens part, a CHOIR OF
ANGELS sings, as Wendy skates around and around, performing a series of
impossible triple Lutzses, Salchows, and what-have-you-nots. All the
animals of the forest — deer, birds, bunnies — all
stop to admire her.
Stan's smile grows wider and wider. Kyle turns to see what he's looking
at.] |
| Stan: |
Thank my lucky stars. Here before me now
Is everything I'd ever hoped for.
Knew it in a word, saw it in a glance
The only thing I think I'd die for… |
| Kyle: |
Aw, God damn it, he's singing that fucking song again! |
|
[ANGLE —
WENDY
Spinning and soaring in slow-mo. Effortlessly covering every inch of
the pond with her ballet maneuvers. Stan is slack-jawed.] |
| Stan: |
I can't stop now. My heart's awake.
I pray her arms my arms to take
So this is why I'm ali-
[Wendy finishes her routine with a triumphant
Hamill-camel, landing
right in front of Stan and spraying ice on his face and abruptly ending
his song.]
|
| Wendy: |
Hi, Stan! [he vomits profusely all over
himself] Ew! Gross! [Just
then, another kid skates up, spraying more ice in Stan's face. His name
is GREGORY, and he is a very handsome eight year old boy, with golden
hair and an open-buttoned shirt. He speaks with a rich English accent.] |
| Gregory: |
Come, Wendy. Let us try to jump the hilly brush. |
| Stan: |
[looks at Gregory] Who are you,
kid?! |
| Gregory: |
My name is Gregory. I have been Wendy's counter-cousin
for some time. |
| Wendy: |
Want to skate with us? |
| Gregory: |
We've been skating all morning, and laughing, and
talking of memories past. [skates away] |
| Stan: |
[looks stunned, and finally tries to get
Wendy's attention] We saw the Terrance and Phillip movie. |
| Wendy: |
[sadly] That's nice, Stan. [skates
after Gregory. Stan looks completely rejected] |
| Kyle: |
Whoa, dude. Who's your girlfriend's new guy? |
| Stan: |
She's not my girlfriend, dude! [the
schoolkids are all still gathered around Cartman] |
| Cartman: |
Yes, I saw the Terrance and Phillip movie. Who wants to
touch me? I said, "Who wants to touch me?!" |
| Small Boy : |
[steps forward and tentatively touches
Cartman's arm] Oooooh. |
|
[EXT. SOUTH PARK
— TOWN — MORNING
Establishng shot of the little town of South Park, which consists of
four buildings. The sun rises in the background. It's a brand new day.
EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY — DAY
The elementary school is nestled peacefully between two mountain peaks.
INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY — DAY
The kids of South Park are all in their seats.] |
| Kids: |
Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka!!
You're a shitsucking cocksucking uncle fucka!!
[the door opens, and suddenly the kids quiet down.
CLOSE-UP on a hand puppet with a large red hat. It seems to be speaking]
|
| Mr. Hat: |
Okay, children, let's take our seats. [as
the voice continues we PULL BAACK to reveal that the puppet is on the
right hand of MR. GARRISON, a forty-six year old teacher who is in
denial about his homosexuality] We have a lot to learn, and
precious little time. [Garrison
looks over the class and notices that every single one of them is
wearing a Terrance and Phillip T-shirt, except, of course, for Wendy.] |
| Mr. Garrison: |
Why is eveyone wearing T-shirts of Sigfried and Roy? |
| Kyle: |
It's not Sigfried and Roy, Mr. Garrison, it's Terrance
and Phillip. |
| Kids: |
TERRANCE AND PHILLIP!! [Stan looks over at
Wendy. She just rolls her eyes. Stan sulks] |
| Mr. Garrison: |
Well, anyway… Today, children, our friend
Mr. Hat is going to tell us all about the environment. |
| Mr. Hat: |
That's right, Mr. Garrison. The environment is what
surrounds us. It is what we live and breathe. |
| Cartman: |
I hate the environment! |
| Kyle: |
Dude, how can you hate the environment? |
| Cartman: |
'Cuz, dude, it's all sticky and airy and fragile and
stuff. I fucking hate it. [the kids all GASP!] |
| Mr. Garrison: |
Eric! Did you just say the F-word?? |
| Cartman: |
…Fragile? |
| Kyle: |
No, he's talkin' about "fuck," dude. You can't say
"fuck" in front of Mr. Garrison. |
| Mr. Garrison: |
Kyle! |
| Cartman: |
Why the fuck not? |
| Mr. Garrison: |
Eric! |
| Stan: |
Dude, you just said "fuck" again! |
| Mr. Garrison: |
Stanley! |
| Kenny: |
Mph. |
| Mr. Garrison: |
Kenny! |
| Cartman: |
That's bullshit! If Terrance and Phillip can say
something, I should be able to say it too! |
| Bebe: |
Wow, Cartman's cool! |
| Clyde: |
He's like Terrance and Phillip. |
| Cartman: |
[gloats proudly] Fuckin' A right. |
| Mr. Garrison: |
How would you like to go to the principal's office? |
| Cartman: |
How would you like to gargle rat jiz? |
| Mr. Garrison: |
[in shock] WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?! |
| Cartman: |
I said - [takes out a megaphone, hits the
switch, and puts it to his mouth. It feeds back horribly] HOW
WOULD YOU LIKE TO GARGLE RAT JIZ?! [Garrison is floored] |
| Kyle: |
Oh, dude, we are fucked now. |
|
[INT. PRINCIPAL'S
OFFICE — DAY
The boys are seated in front of the principal's desk] |
| Stan: |
Now remember, don't tell anyone we saw the Terrance and
Phillip movie. |
| Kyle: |
Yeah, let's swear we won't tell! [Just then,
the Principal walks in. She is PRINCIPAL VICTORIA, a frizzy haired
woman of about forty.] |
| Principal
Victoria: |
I
am VERY disappointed in you boys! You should be ASHAMED of yourselves!
I've already called in your parents, but first I want you to THINK
about what you've done! |
| Cartman: |
Principal Victoria, can I ask a question? |
| Principal
Victoria: |
What? |
| Cartman: |
What's the big fucking deal? |
| Stan: |
Yeah. |
| Principal
Victoria: |
AGH!! I want to know where you heard these horrific
obscenities! |
| Stan: |
Nowhere. |
| Kyle: |
I've heard them from Mr. Garrison a few times
before… |
| Stan: |
Yeah! |
| Principal
Victoria: |
Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr. Garrison ever said, [reading] "Eat penguin shit, you cum-sucking ass-spelunker" in school! [The
boys all laugh. But then the door opens and in walks Stan's mother,
Kyle's mother, Cartman's mother, and Kenn's mother] |
| Stan: |
Oh oh… |
| Principal
Victoria: |
Thank you all for coming on such short notice. As you
can see, your boys are all being disciplined. |
| Stan's Mother: |
This just isn't like you, Stanley! |
| Kyle's Mother: |
What did my son say Principal Victoria? Did he say the
S-word? |
| Principal
Victoria: |
No, it was worse than that… |
| Kyle's Mother: |
[gasping] The F-word? |
| Principal
Victoria: |
No, worse. Here's a short list of the things they've
been saying. [The mothers look over the sheet of paper.
Immediately, their eyes bulge.] |
| Stan's Mother: |
Oh dear God… |
| Kyle's Mother: |
What is 'fisting?' |
| Cartman's
Mother: |
That's when the fist is inserted into the anus or
vagina for sexual plessure. [the two moms stare at Ms.
Cartman.] What? |
| Kyle's Mother: |
[to Kyle] Young man, you will tell
Principal Victoria THIS INSTANT where you heard all these horrible
phrases! |
| Kyle: |
I can't, dude. We all took a sacred oath and swore
ourselves to secrecy! |
| Cartman: |
It was the Terrance and Phillip movie! |
| Stan: |
Dude! |
| Cartman: |
What? Fuck you guys! I wanna get out of here. |
| Kyle's Mother: |
Terrance and Phillip MOVIE?! Oy gevalt! Not again! |
| Principal
Victoria: |
What is "Terrance and Phillip?" |
| Kyle's Mother: |
Terrance
and Phillip are two VERY untalented, unfunny actors from Canada. Their
TV show is filled with toilet humor and bad language and is just
complete garbage. Now it appears they have a movie and I'm positive
it's not suitable for children! |
| Principal
Victoria: |
Well,
it looks like I'll have to send a warning letter out to parents. Ihave
to put a stop to this before MORE children see 'Terrance and Phillip.' |
| Cartman: |
Everybody's already fucking seen it. |
| Cartman's
Mother: |
Eric! |
| Cartman: |
I'm sorry! I can't help it!! That movie has warped my
fragile little mind. |
| Kyle's Mother: |
Alright, boys, that's enough. Get out and let us
adults speak.[the boys get up and walk out. Kyle's mother
slams the door behind them] We must take action on this
immediately. |
| Principal
Victoria: |
Ooh yes. I think we'll have to give detention to those
boys. |
| Kyle's Mother: |
Forgive
me for saying so, Principal Victoria, but your methods are
so… shall we
say… soft? As head of the PTA I am exercising my right under
Article 42
of the PTA code. [a look of shock comes over the principal's
face.] |
| Principal
Victoria: |
Article 42! You don't mean-?! |
| Kyle's Mother: |
Yes, Principal Victoria. The PTA is impeaching you. |
| Principal
Victoria: |
But I- |
| Kyle's Mother: |
You are officially relieved of your duties as principal
of this school! Get out of that chair! The PTA is in charge now! [sits
herself down at Principal Victoria's desk] |
|
[INT. CAFETERIA
— DAY
The other schoolkids are in line for lunch. Just then, Kyle's mother's
voice comes blaring through the P.A.] |
| Kyle's Mother: |
Attention,
students! We are now enforcing a new dress code at South Park
Elementary. Terrance and Phillip shirts are NO LONGER ALLOWED IN
SCHOOL. Anyone wearing a Terrance and Phillip shirt is to be sent home
IMMEDIATELY. [the kids look down. They're all wearing
Terrance and Phillip shirts.] |
| Kids: |
Hooray!!! [the kids cheer and run out the
door, leaving the cafeteria absolutely empty… except for
Wendy.] |
| Wendy: |
Hello? [her voice echoes throughout the
entire building.] |
|
[INT. TELEVISION SET
a dapper NEWS ANCHOR sits behind a news desk] |
| News Anchor: |
All
over America, kids are flocking to the R-rated film, 'Terrance and
Phillip: Asses of Fire.' Here with a special report is a quadriplegic
midget in a bikini. |
|
[INT. SPELLING BEE
— DAY
A QUADRIPLEGIC MIDGET IN A BIKINI stands in front of the camera with a
microphone.] |
| Q. Midget
w/Bikini: |
Thanks,
Tom. It appears that the effects of the Canadian comedy are
far-reaching, indeed. All over America, children seem to be influenced. [a TEACHER is on stage with a young spelling bee
contestant.] |
| Teacher: |
Alright, this is for the silver medal: spell
"forensics." |
| Kid: |
Oh, fuck that! Why should I fucking have to spell
"forensics"? [all the kids cheer ] Here you go.
S-U-C-K M-Y A-S-S, "FORENSICS." |
|
[CUT TO:
EXT. BIRTHDAY PARTY — DAY
A Happy Birthday party is going on in some kid's backyard. A clown is
entertaining everyone] |
| Clown: |
Hey, kids, how would you like to see some magic
tricks?! |
| Kids: |
FUCK YOU!! |
| Clown: |
[looks startled] Huh? |
| Child: |
Yeah, and fuck your stupid litle red nose. |
| Child 2: |
Yeah, and fuck your yellow hair. Andn fuck your gay
pants. |
|
[PAN OVER to again
find the midget reporter. He now has a graphic of a record chart next
to him] |
| Q. Midget
w/Bikini: |
And
the devastating impact of the Canadian phenomenon is Terrance and
Phillip's new hit song, "Shut Your Fucking Face, Uncle Fucka" which has
climbed the charts with a bullet— |
|
[We see a clip from
the video "Uncle Fucka." The video has Terrance and Phillip dressed
like Mase and Puffy in that video they did in Vegas. They wear shiny
bright jumpsuits and lunge at the fish-eye lens of a camera.] |
| Terrance
& Phillip: |
[singing] Shut your fucking face! Uncle fucka!! |
|
[INT. NEWSROOM
— DAY
The news anchor shakes his head in disgust] |
| News Anchor: |
Thanks,
Midget. Shocking report. The controversy surrounding the Terrance and
Phillip movie began in the small mountain town of South Park, Colorado,
where the local PTA banned the movie. With us tonight is the head of
the PTA, Sheila Brofloski [a screen appears with Kyle's
mother, looking very pissed. The TITLE below her reads, 'Outraged
Mother.'] Ms. Brovlofski, how are these kids seeing this
film? Is bad parenting to blame? Or is it Canada? |
| Kyle's Mother: |
Canada! |
| News Anchor: |
Alright. Here with a counterpoint is the Canadian
Minister of Movies. [A split screen appears: Kyle's mother on
one side, and a goofy looking Canadian slides into the other] Thank you, Minister, for joining us. |
| Canadian
Minister of Movies: |
Thanks for having me, buddy. |
| News Anchor: |
Minister, parents all over America are concerned about
your country's entertainment. Your thoughts? |
| Canadian
Minister of Movies: |
Well, the film is R-rated, and it's not intended for
children— |
| Kyle's Mother: |
Oh, but OF COURSE children are going to see it!! |
| Canadian
Minister of Movies: |
Uh, can I finish? Can I finish? …The fact is
that we Canadians are quite surprised by your outrage- |
| Kyle's Mother: |
YOU JUST DON'T CARE! |
| Canadian
Minister of Movies: |
Can
I finish? Hello? Can I-can I finish? …The United States has
graphic
images of violence on television all the time. What is that one show?
COPS? And car crashes caught on tape? We can't believe that a movie
with some foul language and fart jokes would piss you off so much. |
| Kyle's Mother: |
BECAUSE IT'S EVIL! |
| Canadian
Minister of Movies: |
Can I finish? Please? Can I finish? …Uh
…Okay, I'm finished. |
| News Anchor: |
But
Minister, it isn't like this film is the first troublesome thing to
come out of Canada. Let us not forget Bryan Adams a few decades ago. |
| Canadian
Minister of Movies: |
[thinks] What? |
| Kyle's Mother: |
The
Canadians are just mad that we mothers here in South Park have the
chutzpah to stand up to them! Like it or not, Mr. Canadian Minister,
OUR children are now safe from your Canadian smut! |
|
[INT. MOVIE THEATRE
— DAY
The boys are in the front row, this time with Wendy, watching the
Terrance and Phillip movie.] |
| Terrance: |
Well, Phillip, I hope you learned something from this
whole experience. |
| Phillip: |
I did, Terrance. I learned that you are a boner-biting
dick-fart fuckface. [The boys laugh merrily. Wendy just looks
bored.] |
| Terrance: |
Say, Phillip, want to see the Northern Lights? |
| Phillip: |
You bet, Terrance! [Terrance pulls out a
match, lights it, then farts. The flame burns Terrance into a blackened
mass] HA HA HA! You burned yourself to death by lighting the
fart! HA HA HA!! |
| Terrance: |
[just a skull] I sure did, Phillip!! [the boys laugh hysterically] |
| Stan: |
Did you see that, Wendy? |
| Wendy: |
Yup. |
|
[EXT. THEATRE
— DAY
The boys walk out merrily] |
| Kyle: |
Man, that movie gets better every time I see it! |
| Cartman: |
Yeah, but you know what? That whole part about lighting
farts is bullshit. You can't do that. |
| Kenny: |
Mph rmpmh rm. |
| Cartman: |
No way. |
| Stan: |
Didn't you think it was funny, Wendy? |
| Wendy: |
Stan… I think you and I need some time
apart. |
| Stan: |
WHAT?! |
| Cartman: |
Oh shit. |
| Wendy: |
It's just… It's obvious that we don't have a
whole lot in common anymore. I need somebody who's… a little
deeper. |
| Stan: |
But Wendy, I can go- |
| Wendy: |
[places her little gloved hand over Stan's
mouth] No. Don't speak. You'll only make things more
annoying. Goodbye, Stan. [And just like that, Wendy is gone.
Stan looks almost ready to cry.] |
| Kyle: |
Dude, anyone who doesn't think Terrance and Phillip is
funny can fuck off anyways. |
| Stan: |
[insincere] Yeah… [the
boys walk off] |
| Kenny: |
Mph rmph rm!!. |
| Cartman: |
No you can't, Kenny! |
| Kenny: |
Mph rm rmph!!. |
| Cartman: |
Okay, Kenny. I'll bet you a HUNDRED DOLLARS you can't
light a fart on fire! |
| Kenny: |
Mph rm! [he
pulls out a book of matches, strikes a match, and holds it under his
ass. After a few seconds Kenny farts, and there is a little flame.
Suddenly the flames catch and Kenny starts burning alive] MMMPMMPH!!! MGMFEODFO!!! [runs around and finally falls to
the ground, still burning] |
| Stan: |
OH MY GOD!! YOU KILLED KENNY!! |
| Kyle: |
YOU BASTARD!! |
| Cartman: |
Wow, I guess you CAN do that! |
|
[INT. HOSPITAL
— LATER
DOCTORS and NURSES are pushing Kenny into the operating room, ER style.] |
| Nurse: |
CBC chem kit, STAT!! |
| Doctor Gauche: |
LOAD THAT IV WITH 70 CC'S OF SODIUM PENTATHOL!! |
|
[INT. OPERATING ROOM
It's mid-operation] |
| Doctor Gauche: |
Siphon the fluid off his brain!! Vacuum! [another
nurse hands him a sucker tube. He immediately shoves it into Kenny's
skull. It starts to slurp and burble.] Try to untangle his
trachea and esophagus! |
| Nurse: |
Right! [While
Doctor Gauche wrestles with Kenny's lungs and torso, the nurse reaches
into Kenny's mouth and pulls both his windpipe and esophagus out of his
mouth, turning them inside out in the process. Off to the side, Stan,
Cartman and Kyle look on as the doctors and nurses tangle themselves in
knots with Kenny's innards.] |
| Doctor Gauche: |
No! THAT DOESN'T GO THERE!! |
| Nurse: |
Watch his liver!!! [Kenny's liver POPS out of
his torso and slides across the floor] |
| Assistant: |
I'll get it! |
| Doctor Gauche: |
We have precious little time left, people! We're going
to lose him soon!! [suddenly, there is a long
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.] |
| Nurse: |
Doctor, his heart's stopped! |
| Doctor Gauche: |
Crack him. Let's get it out of there!!! [lifts
Kenny's heart out of his body] We need to zap this, quick! [runs
it over to the microwave oven and opens the door] Who's
making a potato? |
| Doctor 2: |
My bad, sir. I missed lunch. |
| Doctor Gauche: |
Dammit! I'm NOT gonna lose this kid!!!!!! |
|
[INT. RECOVERY ROOM
— LATER
FADE UP from black. We're close on Kenny's face. His little eyes start
to open. Dr. Gauche leans over him. Stan and Kyle are there.] |
| Doctor Gauche: |
Kenny. Kenny, can you hear me? |
| Kenny: |
[stirs, weakly] Mph rmph
rm… |
| Doctor Gauche: |
How are you feeling, son? |
| Kenny: |
mph… rmph… |
| Doctor Gauche: |
Great… Son, I have some bad news. We
accidentally replaced your heart with a baked potato. You have about
seven seconds to live. |
| Kenny: |
Mrm?! [just
then, Kenny's baked potato heart explodes, splattering gore all over
the inside of the recovery room and on the outside of Dr. Gauche, Stan
and Kyle] |
| Stan: |
Oh my God! THEY killed Kenny! |
| Kyle: |
You bastards!! |
| Doctor Gauche: |
Dammit! It never gets any easier! Anybody got the score
of that Broncos game? |
|
[INT. HOSPITAL
— WAITING ROOM
Kyle's mother is waiting with the rest of the parents. The nurse walks
up to Kenny's parents with a sad expression] |
| Nurse: |
I'm sorry… |
| Kenny's Mother: |
[breaks down] Oh my God, they killed
Kenny! |
| Kenny's Dad: |
You bastards! |
| Kyle's Mother: |
I knew this would happen! Those bastard Canadians have
now killed a child! Can't people see the damage that film is doing?! |
| Stan's Mother: |
He was killed doing something he saw in the movie. It
was Terance and Phillip… THEY killed Kenny! |
| Cartman's
Mother: |
You bastards! |
| Kyle's Mother: |
This is it! The time for action is NOW!! [singing]
Something must be done!
This is like a spreading rash!
They're pulling out our children's brains
and filling them with trash!
Can't you see what this is leading to?
A world of smut and sex and poo!
I believe the good fight has begun!
Something must be done!
[everyone gathers around Kyle's mother.]
|
| Stan's Mother: |
I agree! [singing]
Something must be done!
We must take action fast!
My child used to say "please" and "thank you"
Now he says "suck my ass!" |
| Cartman's
Mother: |
[singing]
And my boy was the sweetest boy
the world had ever known!
Until those damn Canadians brought
that filth into our home!
I agree that there is now
a battle to be won!
We can't just stand here singing!
Somethng must be done!
|
| Kenny's Mother: |
But what are we going to do against the media machine?
It's so big and powerful! |
| Kyle's Mother: |
Right!
And we can use that same media machine to exploit OUR cause! We've got
to let the whole world know what the Canadians did to our son! |
| Parents: |
Yeah!! |
| Kyle's Mother: |
COME ON! [the parents all head out the door] |
|
[INT. HOSPITAL
— CONTINUOUS
The doors to the hospital swing open, the parents march out into the
street, singing in unison as they go.] |
| Parents: |
[singing]
Something must be done!
Something's gotta give!
This world has become a bitch
in which we have no desire to live!
[Cars come screeching to a halt as the parents sing in
the middle of the road. People start honking their horns in frustration]
|
| Kenny's Mother: |
[singing]
My son could have become a doctor
or a lawyer, rich and true.
Instead he burned up like a piggy
on a bar-b-que. |
| Kyle's Mother: |
[singing]
We will fight for children's rights
in memory of your son! |
| Parents: |
[singing]
We can't just stand here singing!
Something must be done!
[Cars are now smashing into each other
and flying
off the road to people's deaths, as the music number has taken over the
intersection]
We've pushed and pushed it to the edge,
and now the time has come!
Something's gotta change!
It's time to buy a gun!
We can't just stand here singing!
No, we can't just stand here singing!
No, we can't just stand here singing!
Something must be done!!!
[a few more cars careen off and explode into flames as
if ending the song in a barrage of fireworks.]
|
|
[INT. OPERATING ROOM
The boys gather around Kenny's lifeless body.] |
| Cartman: |
[dazed] I bet him he couldn't do
it… I bet him a hundred dollars! |
| Kyle: |
Come on Cartman. It's not your fault. |
| Cartman: |
No, I know. I'm just fucking STOKED I don't have to pay
him! |
| Kyle: |
Oh. [the boys walk out, leaving Kenny's
corpse behind. We can still hear the boys' voices as they exit.] I can't believe he's dead. |
| Cartman: |
[o.s.] Yeah, I'm having total
déjà vu right now. Like this has all happened
before… [after
they leave, PUSH IN to Kenny's dead body, which is left all alone on
the operating table. The camera continues to ZOOM IN on Kenny's dead
face… We pass into his thoughts… FLASH!!] |
|
[EXT. SPACE
—
Kenny's body is floating through a great void. A PEACEFUL SONG plays as
he soars upwards to the heavens.
* note — except for Kenny's little construction body this
entire sequence should be doen in 3D CGI.
Ahead of him Kenny can see a great white light. It appears warm and
inviting. Now Kenny notices large beautiful breasts bobbing up and down
in the heavens. He reaches out to touch them. Kenny blissfully floats
upward toward the bright light and bobbing breasts. The music
crescendos as Kenny gets almost close enough to the light to touch it.
Just then, a huge electronic sign pops up: 'ACCESS DENIED.' Suddenly
Kenny goes spiraling downward. The song changes to a MINISTRY type
number as Kenny's surroundings start to become darker and more twisted.
Kenny's hapless spirit enters a horrifying red tunnel filled with
flames and heat. |
| Kenny: |
Mph rmph rm! [burning
souls SCREAM and CRY all around Kenny as his body plunges into what is
now obviously the depths of hell. Kenny passes images of Hitler, John
Wayne Gacy, hunger and diseae as he continues through the twisting
tunnel. He then passes images of Jimy Stewart and Gandhi. All of whom
are opportunely locked in hell for all eternity.] |
|
[EXT. MOVIE THEATRE
— DAY
The same ticket guy from before is at the ticket booth. The marquee
still reads 'Terrance and Phillip' but a huge sticker has been placed
over it that reads 'banned.' The boys stand underneath the marquee
looking baffled.] |
| Stan: |
How can they do this? |
| Kyle: |
It isn't fair! |
| Cartman: |
Well, Terrance and Phillip are on Conan O'Brien
tonight; we could at least go watch that. [the
boys hang their heads and walk away. The ticket guy suddenly hears a
commotion. He sees a mob of angry mothers led by Kyle's mother] |
| Kyle's Mother: |
THIS must be him, officer! This is the scum that sold R
rated tickets to children! |
| Ticket Guy: |
What?! Jesus Christ, I didn't mean to! |
| Officer
Barbrady: |
[slaps handcuffs on the freaked-out teen] You can explain downtown! |
| Ticket Guy: |
[getting dragged away] Oh shit! Hey,
it's not MY fault! You should arrest those pervert Canadians! |
| Kyle's Mother: |
Oh we will, Mr. Scumbag… We will… |
|
[EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE
— NIGHT
Establishing shot.
INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE — NIGHT
The boys are sitting on Cartman's couch watching TV.
ANGLE — TELEVISION — THE
CONAN O'BRIEN SHOW
Conan comes backk from a commercial break. Sitting next to him is Ms.
Brooke Shields] |
| Conan O'Brien: |
Our next guests have the number one movie in the world
right now. Please welcome Terrance and Phillip! [A
few cheers as Terrance and Phillip walk out on stage. A few boos as
well, and we see that the South Park mothers are in the audience
holding 'Anti-Terrance and Phillip' signs. Terrance and Phillip walk
out and sit next to Brooke Shields] |
| Phillip: |
Hello, Conan! |
| Terrance: |
Hello, Brooke Shields! |
| Conan O'Brien: |
It's nice to have you you here in America. |
| Phillip: |
Yeah, well, you being Canadian and all, we thought,
'What the hell?!' |
| Conan O'Brien: |
So guys… I understand you have a comedy
routine worked out for us. |
| Phillip: |
We sure do, Conan. And here it is. Excuse me, Terrance. |
| Terrance: |
Yes, Philip? [Phillip rips a fart that
launches Terrance backwards and into the band] |
| Phillip: |
Gotcha! [Terrance and Phillip laugh. Nobody
in the audience laughs.] |
|
[ANGLE —
BOYS
They laught merrily.
RESUME — THE CONAN O'BRIEN SHOW] |
| Terrance: |
[returning to the sofa] Good one,
Phillip! Cheers. |
| Phillip: |
Cheers, Terrance. [Terrance
extricates himself from the band. Conan is growing nervous. He looks
out into the audience… Kyle's mother is sitting there,
looking angry.
Conan makes eye contact with her and then nods his head. Kyle's mother
nods back.] |
| Conan O'Brien: |
[nervous] So, guys, I need to ask
you a serious question… |
| Phillip: |
I just farted Terrance back into the stone age. [They
both laugh hard.] |
| Brooke Shields: |
[waits a beat, then belts out a fake laugh] I farted once on the set of Blue Lagoon! |
| Terrance: |
Nobody cares, Brooke Shields! |
| Conan O'Brien: |
Terrance and Phillip… Who's idea was it to
have a person lighting a fart on fire in your movie? Who is
reponsible for that? [Terrance and Phillip exchange
glances] |
| Terrance: |
Phillip, I think our friend Conan has been workng too
hard. |
| Conan O'Brien: |
Say it! It was YOUR idea to have a person light a fart
on fire in your movie! |
| Terrance
& Phillip: |
[together] It was our idea to have a
person light a fart on fire in our movie. |
|
[ANGLE ON THE AUDIENCE
Kyle's mother is among them, listening to all this.] |
| Kyle's Mother: |
[into her lapel] That's it! Move,
move, move! |
|
[ANGLE ON TERRANCE
AND PHILLIP
A battalion of Army guys appear, seize Terrance and Phillip, and arrest
everyone in their group.] |
| Kyle's Mother: |
Terrance and Phillip, you are under arrest for working
in Americ without the proper documents! WE GOT YOU! |
|
[ANGLE —
BOYS] |
| Kyle: |
Dude, what the hell is going on? |
|
[RESUME —
THE CONAN O'BRIEN SHOW] |
| Terrance: |
Phillip, we've been tricked and ambushed by the Conan
O'Brien show!! |
| Phillip: |
[points] This little scrotum-sucker
willfully deceived us! [pointing to Conan] You are
a bad man! |
| Terrance: |
And you call yourself a Canadian! [to Phillip] I told you we should have done Leno! [Conan O'Brien looks
away, ashamed] |
| Kyle's Mother: |
Don't listen to them, Mr. O'Brien. They're master
manipulators. You did a good job. |
| Terrance: |
You loved our movie, Conan! We watched it together.
You… you laughed! |
| Conan O'Brien: |
[grabs his head] What have I done? [grabs
a gun and blows his head off, dousing Brooke Shields with blood.] |
| Brooke Shields: |
AGAHGAHGGH!!!! Mondays at eight! AAAGHGH!!!! [Terrance
and Phillip laugh merrily.] |
| Kyle's Mother: |
[cradles Conan's lifeless body] You
see what your filth has caused! |
| Terrance: |
US?! This is your mess, outraged mother!! |
|
[INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE
— NIGHT
The boys are sitting on the couch in absolute shock.] |
| Stan: |
Dude, our moms arrested Terrance and Phillip! |
| Kyle: |
Our moms suck! |
| Cartman: |
This could mean… Nomore Terrance and Phillip
— EVER! |
|
[EXT. UNITED NATIONS
— DAY
Establishing shot.
INT. UNITED NATIONS — GENERAL
ASSEMBLY ROOM
Lots of foreigners with their silly foriegn outfits sit at their stupid
microphones with their ridiculous translation headsets — in
the general
assembly hall. Theh Canadian ambssador stands before them] |
| Canadian
Ambassador: |
As the Canadian Ambassador, I hereby condemn the
actions taken by America in apprehending Terrance and Phillip. [a
murmur goes through the crowd] We demand their release IMMEDIATELY!! As you can see from this graph,
the entire economy of Canada relies on Terrance and Phillip! Without
them, we are doomed to recession! [The United Nations head
bangs
his gavel. Now Kyle's mother stands up. She is with a group of mothers
all wearing M.A.C. T-shirts] |
| Kyle's Mother: |
If I may? [everyone looks at her.] As president and founder of M.A.C., I would like to state- |
| United Nations
head: |
Excuse me, M.A.C.? |
| Kyle's Mother: |
Yes, Mothers Against Canada. |
| United Nations
head: |
Kay. |
| Kyle's Mother: |
I would like to state that Canada must learn to stop
infiltrating our country with its graphic art! [cheers from
the Americans] |
| Canadian
Ambassador: |
Last time I checked, America was a free country. |
| Kyle's Mother: |
Look at this! [pulls Kenny's mother up by the
head] This woman's child was KILLED by your country's humor!
Look how upset she is! [Kenny's mom looks fine] |
| Canadian
Ambassador: |
We will continue to sell Terrance and Phillip videos to
anyone retarded enough to buy it!! |
| Kyle's Mother: |
Then you leave me no choice… I call for an
EMBARGO on ALL Canadian Imports!!! [more cheers from the
Americans. The Canadians look worried] |
|
[INT. SUPERMARKET
— DAY
The boys are in the checkout line at Bob's supermarket.] |
| Cartman: |
What the hell do you mean I can't et Cheesy Poofs? |
| Bob: |
Sorry, kid. Cheesy Poofs are a Canadian export. We
can't carry them anymore. |
| Kyle: |
Who the hell made up THAT law?! |
| Cartman: |
You can't do this!! Have you ever HAD Cheesy Poofs?
They're a taste sensation with a delightful cheddar crunch. |
| Bob: |
There's nothing I can do. I can still sell you
Cheese-o's. |
| Cartman: |
FUCK Cheese-os and FUCK you! [storms out. The
boys follow him.] |
|
[INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE
— DAY
The boys walk into Cartman's house. Cartman slams the door behind him.
The boys all walk toward the living room.] |
| Cartman: |
Comem on, you guys… We have to THINK! |
| Stan: |
About what? |
| Cartman: |
About Cheesy Poofs, dumbass! This whole thing has gone
too far! |
| Kyle: |
I don't really think you need Cheesy Poofs, tubby- [The
boys come to an abrupt halt when they reach the living room and see
that all four mothers are waiting for them, silently. Everyone just
sits there for a second. The lighting on Kyle's mother's face looks
almost evil.] |
| Kyle's Mother: |
Boys, we have to have a difficult discussion. |
| Kyle: |
We already know what you did. We saw it on television. |
| Stan: |
Yeah. How could you arrest Terrance and Phillip? |
| Stan's Mother: |
Stanley, you're too young to understand what's good for
you. That's why we mothers have taken charge. |
| Kyle: |
But they fucking didn't do anything wrong! |
| Cartman: |
Yeah! And what rim job expert went and outlawed Cheesy
Poofs?! |
| Kyle's Mother: |
What was that word, young man?! |
| Cartman's
Mother: |
Oh. he said rim job. It's when someone licks your ass
for- |
| Kyle's Mother: |
Ii know what it is! |
| Cartman: |
[to his mother] Lick someone's ass?! |
| Kyle's Mother: |
The Terrance and Phillip movie has obviously done
irreparable damage to their brains. We have to put them in rehab right
away. |
| Kyle: |
What's that? |
| Kyle's Mother: |
You boys need help. There are rehab centers that
specialize in treating people with chronic addictions to bad language. |
| Stan's Mother: |
There are? |
| Kyle's Mother: |
[thinks for a second] Well, no, I guess not… But we will establish the first of
its kind
right here in South Park. All the children in town will have to attend
and receive treatment from the school counselor, Mr. Mackey! Ooh, I
just love when I get these sorts of ideas! |
| Cartman: |
Why? So you can fuck up our life some more? |
| Cartman's
Mother: |
Eric! Don't talk to Ms. Brovlofski that way! |
| Cartman: |
But Mom! I'm not fucking addicted to fucking bad
language! I don't have a fucking problem! |
|
[INT. HELL
— DAY
Kenny walks through the black void of hell. A trippy single shaft of
light seems to follow him wherever he goes] |
| Kenny: |
Mphrmo? [No answer… No
nothing… Kenny continues on. Flames shoot up randomly from
the ground, scaring the shit out of him.] MPHR!! MMLY MMT! [Suddenly,
Kenny hears a CLAWING NOISE. It gets louder and louder. Kenny starts to
run faster and faster. Now the clawing is RIGHT BEHIND HIM! Kenny spins
around. He is face to face with SATAN! Satan looks down at Kenny and
shoots flames out his nose. Kenny's eyes bulge open] MMMMMPHPHPHPHP!!!!! |
| Satan: |
Fallen one… We have such sights to show you! [Kenny
shakes. Satan turns to a whispy form and flashes across the room like a
serpent. In a millisecond he is right up in Kenny's face.] I
am Satan. I am your God now. |
| Kenny: |
MPH RM!!! [tries to run away, but Satan again
changes form, flies across the room, and cuts Kenny off] |
| Satan: |
Come with me. I will show you what delightful pain
awaits. [two black DEMONS grab Kenny by the arms and start to
lead him away] |
| Kenny: |
MMMMMPHPHP!!!! [just then SADDAM HUSSEIN
shows up next to Satan] |
| Saddam Hussein: |
Oh, a new recruit, huh? Welcomem to hell, kid! Relax!
Take a load off!! |
| Satan:: |
You remember… Saddam Hussein, don't you?! |
| Kenny: |
MMMPPH!!! |
|
[EXT. REHAB CENTER
— DAY
Establishing shot of the small Betty Fordesque building.
INT. REHAB CENTER — SOUTH PARK'S
BETTY FORD CENTER
The kids are sitting in chairs in a circle. There are anti-drug signs
on the wall: "Crack is Whack," "Get High on Pottery," and "I Go From
Zero to Bitch in .9 Seconds." MR.MACKEY, the wiry school counselor,
leads the group. There's a pottery wheel and lots of craft tables
behind them.] |
| Mr. Mackey: |
M'kay,
it's come to my attention that you boys have a potty-mouth problem,
m'kay. Now, the sooner you recognize your problem, m'kay, the sooner we
can get you back to your third grade homeroom where you belong. |
| Kyle: |
But they're just words, Mr. Mackey. Our parents are
over-reacting. |
| Bebe: |
Yeah. Wendy's here, and she doesn't even like Terrance
and Phillip. [Wendy looks bored. Stan tries to smile at her,
but she doesn't even acknowledge him.] |
| Cartman: |
[violently shaking in his seat] Ugh… You guys, seriously… I'm having Cheesy Poof
withdrawal… |
| Mr. Mackey: |
M'kay,
kids from all over the state have been brought here because you all
have the same problem. Uh, you man… let's start with you. [points
at Gregory, the little British bastard from the lake.] |
| Gregory: |
My name is Gregory… And I have a potty
mouth. |
| Cartman: |
You've got a stupid accent, too. |
| Mr. Mackey: |
Eric, that is not appropriate. |
| Cartman: |
What? Fuck French people. Fuck 'em in the ear. |
| Mr. Mackey: |
M'kay, you see children? This is exactly what I'm
talking about. We have to change the way you think. |
| Gregory: |
How are you gonna do that? |
| Mr. Mackey: |
[crosses over to a piano. He plays chords
while speaking]
There are times when you get suckered in
By drugs and alcohol and sex with women, m'kay,
But it's when you do these things too much
[singing] That you've got to clear your head and must
get back in touch…
[plays the piano and sings]
You can do it. It's all up to you, m'kay?
With a method, there's nothing you can't do, today.
You don't have to spend your life addicted to crack,
Homeless on the streets, giving hand jobs for cash.
As long as you follow this simple plan
I'm fully convinced that it's easy, m'kay…
[The kids are extremely disinterested, Mackey walks
over to a chalkboard.]
Step one: Think about fun Think about all that you'll
miss addicted to this.
Step two: Think it all through. Think, "How's this gonna change my
life? What am I gonna miss?"
Step three: Go and hug a tree. Hug anything that gets in your way.
And step four: Just don't do it anymore — it's easy, m'kay!
[gets the children in a circle holding hands.]
Come on kids, sing along! |
| Kids: |
[extremely half-assed]
You can do it. It's all up to you, m'kay?
With a method, there's nothing you can't do, today.
We don't have to spend our lives addicted to crack,
Homeless on the streets, giving hand jobs for cash. |
| Mr. Mackey: |
As long as you follow my simple plan
I'm fully convinced that it's easy, m'kay…
[everyone starts dancing in a circle]
|
| Kids: |
Step one: Think about fun Think about all that
you'll miss addicted to this.
Step two: Think it all through. Think, "How's this gonna change my
life? What am I gonna miss?"
Step three: Go and hug a tree. Hug anything that gets in your way.
And step four: Just don't do it anymore — it's easy, m'kay! |
| Mr. Mackey: |
It's easy, m'kay?! [everyone falls down
laughing] |
|
[INT. REHAB CENTER
— LOUNGE
Kyle's mom and the other moms watch the kids and Mr. Mackey rolling
around on the floor laughing on a asecurity monitor] |
| Kyle's Mother: |
What the hell do they think this is?! Summer camp?! |
|
[INT. REHAB CENTER
— SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER
Kyle's mother walks in with a scowling look, interrupting the kids and
Mr. Mackey, who are still laughing merrily. The other mothers are
behind her.] |
| Kyle's Mother: |
Mr. Mackey, what is going on?! |
| Mr. Mackey: |
[stands up looking scared] Uh, we're
just starting our program… |
| Kyle's Mother: |
This is NOT a place for fun and games! This is
rehabilitation! Now GET TO IT!! We at MAC have a trial to go to! [the
mothers walk away] |
| Mr. Mackey: |
M'kay. |
| Cartman: |
God damn it, your mom is a bitck, Kyle. [Kyle
hangs his head] |
|
[EXT. SUPREME COURT
— DAY
A news reporter stands in front of the Supreme Court. All around him
are protesters with signs that say "CANADA NO!" and "CAN'TADA!" Still
others hold signs with Kenny on them.] |
| News Reporter: |
Tom,
I'm standing in front of the U.S. Supreme Court where the most
important trial of the - day - is beginning. Thousands of people have
shown up from all over the country to show their outrage and disgust at
Canada. Joining me now is Mrs. McKormick, mother of the poor little boy
who was killed by the Canadians. [Kenny's mother steps into
frame.
She is wearing a shirt with Kenny's picture on it. Written on the
T-shirt is 'Have you seen my son? No, you haven't. He's dead.'] Mrs. McKormick, you must really hate the Canadians. |
| Kenny's Mother: |
Yes, yes I do, Tom. |
| News Reporter: |
Did you ever think you would see the day when thousands
of people were wearing your son Kenny on T-shirts. |
| Kenny's Mother: |
No I didn't. But if any of you wold like one, they're
$14.95, available in blue or white. |
| News Reporter: |
[thinks for a second, turns back to the camera] Well, we can only imagine the intenese, vehement trial that is going on
inside. |
|
[INT. SUPREME COURT
— DAY
Terrance and Phillip are on the stand.] |
| Johnny Cochran: |
Terrance and Phillip… You knowingly, with
malice of forethought, were trying to destroy American culture. Yes or
no? [Terrance rips a fart] YES OR NO?! |
|
[INT. REHAB CENTER
— SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER
The kids are all in the main room, sitting on a couch, huddled around a
television. They laugh merrily.] |
| Stan: |
Shh! Mr. Mackey's gonna hear us. |
|
[INT. SUPREME COURT
— DAY] |
| Terrance: |
The Americans are just showing their TRUE COLORS as
smelly bastards. |
| Phillip: |
Fight the power! |
| Terrance: |
The young boy that died lit himself on fire. It was
unfortunate, but how can they blame US? |
| Phillip: |
Don't believe the hype!! [Terrance and
Phillip laugh merrily] |
|
[INT. REHAB CENTER
— SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER
The kids all shout agreement.] |
| Kids: |
[ad lib] Yeah! Woo hoo! |
|
[BACK TO COURTHOUSE.
Terrance and Phillip continue laughing] |
| Terrance: |
You cannot oppress us! We will continue to pursue our
art! We know there are Americans out there who will help us! |
| Kyle's Mother: |
[stands up from the prosecutor's table] Your 'ART' is shallow and immature! We Americans do NOT allow that for
our children!! |
| Phillip: |
Please.
You teach your children that America is the land of the free. But it's
all bullshit. You're one of the most conservative countries in the
world! |
|
[INT. REHAB CENTER
— SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER
The children all listen, wide-eyed.
INT. SUPREME COURT — DAY] |
| Terrance: |
The
problem is you don't allow your children to think for themselves. You
try to raise them in a protective bubble, and then, when they finally
get old enough, they realize they've been lied to, and they resent you
or it. |
| Phillip: |
Yeah. God, no wonder your country is so fucked up. |
| Kyle's Mother: |
THAT IS ENOUGH!! |
| Terrance: |
WAKE UP AMERICA! YOUR government censors YOU from the
world. |
| Kyle's Mother: |
NO THEY DON'T |
| Phillip: |
YES THEY DO, AND I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU! IN MARCH OF LAST
YEAR, THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT— [BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP.
Suddenly, the screen goes blank. A sign that says 'PLEASE STAND BY'
comes on.] |
|
[INT. REHAB CENTER
— SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER
The children all watch, wide-eyed.] |
| Kyle: |
What happened? |
| Wendy: |
The station CONVENIENTLY went blank. |
|
[INT. CANADIAN PRESS
CONFERENCE — DAY
The Canadian Prime Minister stands directly in front of the camera,
looking right at us.] |
| Canadian Prime
Minister: |
ATTENTION
AMERICA!! You have taken our national treasure Terrance and Phillip.
We, in turn, have taken yours… The Smothers Brothers! [steps
out of the way to reveal the Smothers Brothers tied up in chairs behind
him.] I'll let you catch your breath… Now, release
Terrance and Phillip, or else we will EXECUTE your beloved Smothers
Brothers!! |
| Tommy Smothers: |
Please listen to them!! |
| Dick Smothers: |
They're not fucking around!! |
| Canadian Prime
Minister: |
We're
not fucking around! This is not aboot deals. This is aboot dignity.
This is aboot freedon… This is aboot respect. RETURN
Terrance and
Phillip NOW!!! [Another Canadian leans in and whispers in the
Prime Minister's ear] Oh yeah… and FUCK YOU,
AMERICA! [raises his middle finger, but it's all blurred and
digitized] |
|
[INT. REHAB CENTER
— SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER] |
| Mr. Mackey: |
Okay, kids, for today's rehabilitation activity, we're
going to watch the Terrance and Phillip movie. |
| Stan: |
What?! |
| Kyle: |
Sweet! |
| Mr. Mackey: |
Now, this is an EDITED version of the movie, which was
put out by the MPAA. That's the Motion Picture Association of America. |
| Wendy: |
Isn't that censorship? |
| Mr. Mackey: |
No, the MPAA is NOT a censorship group. |
| Wendy: |
Why not? |
| Mr. Mackey: |
Uh…
Because they sa so… M'kay. Now, I want you to watch this
movie, with
all the immature profanity taken out, and notice how much better a
movie it becomes… [puts the tape in and hits
'play.' The TITLES
come up 'Terrance and Phillip: Asses of Fire.' Except that 'Asses' has
been blurred out and replaced with 'bunz.'] |
| Kids: |
HOORAY!!! [The movie begins. Phillip walks
in. But it isn't Phillip's voice: somebody has dubbed him over.] |
| Dubbed Phillip: |
Hey Terrance, I feel like I'm going to pas gas near
your head. |
| Dubbed
Terrance: |
I would rather you didn't, Phillip. |
| Dubbed Phillip: |
Oh? Is that so? [farts on Terrance] |
| Dubbed
Terrance: |
Oh, you are such a maroon! |
| Dubbed Phillip: |
You would know, dummy. [the boys look
confused] |
| Dubbed
Terrance: |
You are pigeon-like in your intelligence. [The
pseudo-Terrance and Phillip laugh. Terrance throws a match on Phillip
and Phillip burns to death. A TITLE comes up - THE END. And the credits
roll] |
| Cartman: |
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! |
| Kyle: |
Dude, they cut out 92 minutes. [the lights in
the theater come up.] |
| Mr. Mackey: |
So you
see, the point and the theme of the film is kept intact. And of course,
the MPAA didn't cut out any of the graphic violence. What did you
think? |
| Cartman: |
Oh man, I'm gonna need a cherry pie to get the taste of
ass out of my mouth from that piece of shit movie. |
| Mr. Mackey: |
Eric, you're not watching your mouth! |
| Cartman: |
You get me Cheesy Poofs with the delightful cheddar
crunch, and I'll watch my fucking mouth! |
| Mr. Mackey: |
Eric!!!! You need to be rehabilitated. Help me to help
you! |
| Cartman: |
Help yourself, prickfuck! |
| Mr. Mackey: |
I am not a prickfuck, m'kay? You little asshole! [slaps
his hand over his mouth and looks around, scared.] |
| Cartman: |
Ha, ha, you stupid asshole prickfuck. |
|
[INT. REHAB CENTER
— SEPARATE ROOM
Mr. Mackey is in a private office with the members of M.A.C.] |
| Kyle's Mother: |
How is the children's progress? |
| Mr. Mackey: |
Very encouraging. Most of the children have been weaned
from their naughty mouths. |
| Kyle's Mother: |
What do you mean MOST? Why not ALL? |
| Mr. Mackey: |
[nervous] Well, some of the children
just don't respond to 12-step programs. |
| Kyle's Mother: |
Then we'll have to resort to Plan B and call the V-chip
organization. [dramatic MUSIC STING.] |
| Mr. Mackey: |
[looks afraid] Mrs. Brovlofski, the
V-chip hasn't been fully tested yet. It could be dangerous. |
| Kyle's Mother: |
[evil] I don't care if it's dangerous! Desperate times call for desperate
measures, Mr. Mackey. Perhaps I need to remind you of your situation. |
| Mr. Mackey: |
[nervous] Alright, I'll make the
call… |
|
[INT. REHAB CENTER
— SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER
The kids are again glued to the TV watching the trial of Terrance and
Phillip.
INT. SUPREME COURT — DAY
Back in the courthouse, the jury walks in and sits down.] |
| Judge: |
Madam foreman, have you reached a verdict? |
| Foreman: |
We have, Your Honor. |
| Judge: |
How find you, the jury? |
| Foreman: |
We, the jury, find the defendants… Terrance
and Phillip… GUILTY of being complete bastards. [The
crowd goes wild. The mothers of M.A.C. stand and cheer.] |
|
[INT. REHAB CENTER
— SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER
The kids sit in shock] |
| Kyle: |
Oh no! |
|
[INT. COURTROOM
— DAY] |
| Terrance: |
Oh oh, Phillip. You know what this means? |
| Phillip: |
We'll be farting bread and water for a few years. |
| Judge: |
[bangs her gavel] Terrance and
Phillip, for crimes against the great nation of America you are hereby
sentenced to death. [HUGE MUSIC STING] |
| Terrance: |
DEATH?! You gotta be shittin' me! |
| Phillip: |
Aghgh! [passes out] |
|
[INT. REHAB CENTER
— SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER
The kids can't believe what they're seeing. Everyone is silent.
Finally, Kyle perks up.] |
| Kyle: |
Dude, let's help Terrance and Phillip!! |
| Stan: |
How do we do that? [Kyle thinks for a moment.] |
| Wendy: |
You raise awareness by distributing buttons, stickers,
and leaflets. |
| Cartman: |
That'd be sweet! We could try to bring back Cheesy
Poofs! |
| Kyle: |
Yeah, let's make Free Terrance and Phillip buttons! |
| Wendy: |
You guys don't even care. All you care about is seeing
Terrance and Phillip fart on each other more. [the boys sit
there and think] |
| Stan:: |
Yeah. |
| Wendy: |
This is about freedom of speech, Stan, about
censorship. |
| Gregory: |
[the handsome English kid, chimes in] Yea, what's next? Barcodes on our forearms? This country is the most
fascist of all! [Wendy looks at him deeply. He smiles at her.] |
| Stan: |
What the hell are you talking about, kid? |
| Wendy: |
You don't get it, Stan… You just don't get
it. [walks away] |
| Stan:: |
What? What don't I get? [to Kyle] What don't I get? |
| Kyle: |
I don't know, dude. |
| Stan: |
That British dickhole is what's taking Wendy away from
me! |
| Kyle: |
I thought she wasn't your girlfriend, dude. |
| Stan: |
She's NOT! But if she WAS it would be THAT little
asshole who's fucking it up for me! |
|
[INT. REHAB CENTER
— SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER
The kids are all sitting in rows, wearing very crude 'Free Terrance and
Phillip' buttons.] |
| Mr. Mackey: |
M'kay, children, you've all made terrific progress, and
are hereby done with the eight-step progam. [The kids all AD
LIB relief.] |
| Cartman: |
Thank God. That sucked ass/ |
| Mr. Mackey: |
Uh, except for you, Eric. I'm afraid you need to work
more on not saying the F word and the N word. |
| Cartman: |
The N word? |
| Mr. Mackey: |
[reading] Norwegian ass raper. |
| Cartman: |
Oh yeah. |
| Mr. Mackey: |
The rest of you are graduated. You can go home today. [the
kids cheer] |
| Cartman: |
I don't graduate?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?! THIS IS
BULLSHIT!! |
| Mr. Mackey: |
[just then notices the little buttons on
everybody's shirts] Free Terrance and Phillip? Oh
no… M'kay. |
| Kyle: |
[proudly] We're protesting! |
| Stan: |
Yeah! |
| Mr. Mackey: |
Well, boys, it might interest you to know that your
FRIENDS the Canadians have just bombed the U.S. |
| Stan: |
They did?! |
| Mr. Mackey: |
Yes. At six this morning they bombed the heck out of
Cleveland. |
| Kyle: |
Oh. That doesn't count. |
| Wendy: |
They only bombed Cleveland because we're going to
execute two of their citizens!! |
| Mr. Mackey: |
Wendy, m'kay, if you want to start getting political,
I'll throw your skinny little ass back into rehab. M'kay? |
| Cartman: |
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT GRADUATE ME?! DOES THAT MEAN I
HAVE TO STAY HERE?! |
| Mr. Mackey: |
No, Eric… I'm afraid it's phase two for
you… [dramatic MUSIC sting.] |
|
[INT. HELL
— DAY.
Kenny is chained up in a torture chamber in Hell. Demons and ghouls
surround him.] |
| Satan: |
Prepare thyself for unending pain! Unparalleled
misery!! [Kenny starts to cry.] |
| Saddam Hussein: |
[comes out from behind Satan holding a martini] Hey, relax, Satan. Don't get all worked up. You're gonna give yourself
an ulcer again. |
| Kenny: |
Mrph mprph!! |
| Saddam Hussein: |
What? What do you mean you don't belong here? Relax,
guy, hell is for children. |
| Kenny: |
Mrph mprhm mm rmph! |
| Saddam Hussein: |
A deal? You wanna make a deal with the devil? Well
sure, deals are mounds o' fun. |
| Satan: |
Saddam, would you let me do my job, please?! |
| Saddam Hussein: |
Hey, relax, guy. Let's see what the kid wants. |
| Kenny: |
Mph rmph rm rmph rmph rm! |
| Saddam Hussein: |
Oh, so you want out of hell, huh? |
| Satan: |
Well of COURSE he wants out of hell! The whole POINT of
hell is that you don't WANT to be here! |
| Saddam Hussein: |
Okay,
kid, I have a deal for you! If you want out of hell, all you have to do
is collect 10 proofs of purchase from 'Snacky S'mores.' They're rich,
chocolately, and really hit the spot. Bring me ten proofs of purchase
and we'll grant you ANY WISH YOU WANT. |
| Kenny: |
Mrph? |
| Saddam Hussein: |
I wouldn't bullshit you, kid! Snacky S'mores are now
available in stores everywhere! No biggie! [walks over to
Kenny and releases his chains] Well, what are you waiting
for, pal? Get to it! [Kenny runs out and away.] HA
HA HAHA!! What a dumbass!! |
| Satan: |
I don't see why you have to belittle me in front of
people like that. |
| Saddam Hussein: |
Hey
relax, guy. It's just a cruel joke. Rich, chocolatey Snacky S'mores are
only available up on earth. He'll never get 'em, see? |
| Satan: |
Sometimes I think you don't have any respect for me. |
| Saddam Hussein: |
Hey, come here, guy. [pulls Satan around and
plants a big wet kiss on him] Who's my creampuff? |
| Satan: |
I am. |
|
[INT. PTA MEETING
— DAY.
A
large crowd of parents has gathered for a PTA meeting. Kenny's mother
is at a table selling dead Kenny Tshirts. She has a shitload of money
all around her. Another MOTHER walks up, hands Kenny's mom money, and
gets a shirt.] |
| Mother: |
Is that a new pearl bracelet, Mrs. McKormick? |
| Kenny's Mother: |
Wh yes. Yes it is. |
| Kyle's Mother: |
As
our next official order of business here at M.A.C., we will test the
new V-chip. As most of you know, the V-chip was created to lock
children out of watching certain shows on television. And now the
N.I.H. has created a new, exciting product that they can tell us about.
Here is the Surgeon General, Dr. Pangloss. [DR. PANGLOSS, a
lab technician in white takes the podium] |
| Dr. Pangloss: |
Thank you, parents. [One person claps.
Pangloss hits a button and the slide projector starts showing pictures
of the device] The machinery of the new 'V-chip' is very simple, and similar to that
of the V-chip. The chip is placed under the subject's skin, where it
emits a small but painful shock of electricity whenever an obscenity is
uttered. [the parents are fascinated] |
| Randy: |
Now wait a minute. Are you telling us that this chip
somehow knows if the child is swearing? |
| Dr. Pangloss: |
It's
just like a lie detector. Certain things happen to you when you swear,
just like when you lie. The chip picks up on this, and gives the
subject a little prick. [the parents AD LIB 'Ooohs' and
'Ahhhhs'] We are very excited to see the results of this
test. [calling] Patient 453, would you step out
here, please? [Cartman steps out wearing a hospital robe] Patient 453 here has been fitted with the new V-chip… |
| Cartman: |
My head hurts. |
| Dr. Pangloss: |
[to Cartman] Don't worry about that.
Now, I want you to say, "Doggy." |
| Cartman: |
Doggy. |
| Dr. Pangloss: |
Notice that nothing happens. [to Cartman] Now say, "Montana." |
| Cartman: |
Montana. |
| Dr. Pangloss: |
Good! Now, "Pillow." |
| Cartman: |
Pillow. |
| Dr. Pangloss: |
Alright, now, I want you to say, "Horse-fucker." [Cartman
looks offstage to his mother.] |
| Cartman's
Mother: |
Go ahead. It's alright, Eric. |
| Cartman: |
[smiles] Horse-fuck- [BZZZZZAAAAT!!!!] AGAAHGAHGAH!!!!! [falls to the floor in pain. All the parents
ooh and ahh and applaud] OW!! That HURT, GOD DAMM- [BASAAATTT!!] OW!! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!! THIS ISN'T FAIR!! YOU SONS OF
BITCHE— [BASAAATTT!!] |
| Dr. Pangloss: |
Success!! Our device works perfectly! We will begin
mass production immediately! |
| Kyle's Mother: |
And
so we have successfully removed the Canadian smut from all of our
children's brains. We have made changes at school to ensure that our
kids are NEVER AGAIN exposed to smut!!!!!!! It's OVER! [the
crowd goes wild.] |
|
[EXT. SCHOOL
— DAY.
School is now Naziesque. A military drum echoes in the distance.
INT. CLASSROOM — SOUTH PARK
ELEMENTARY — DAY
Stan and Kyle are sitting in their desks waiting for school to begin.
Wendy walks by on her way to her desk.] |
| Stan: |
Hi Wendy. |
| Wendy: |
[not even looking] Hi Stan. [walks
on by] |
| Kyle: |
Wow, dude, Wendy could really give a rat's ass bout
you. |
| Stan: |
[eyes still on Wendy] I bet she
would if my name was GREGORY!! |
| Kyle: |
Good thing she was never your girlfriend…
Dude, here comes Cartman. [Cartman walks in and gingerly sits
down] Hay, Cartman, did they put the V-chip in your head or
your ass? |
| Stan: |
What's the difference? [Stan and Kyle laugh.] |
| Cartman: |
Very funny, dickhead- [BZZAAT! The V-chip
shocks Cartman.] OW! FUCK- [BZZZAAAT!!] AY! [thrown to the floor in a shivering heap.] |
| Kyle: |
Whoa! What the hell was that?! |
| Stan: |
Dude! It's the V-chip! It shocks him every time he
cusses! [Stan and Kyle look at each other.] |
| Kyle: |
Hey, Cartman. |
| Cartman: |
What? |
| Kyle: |
You know, me and Stan were just talking about what a
fat fucking hunk o' fat fuck you are. |
| Cartman: |
Oh yeah?! Well, you're a monkey-shit- [BZAAAT!] SHIT- [BZZZAAAT!!] [BZZAAAT!! The cycle
continues as Stan and Kyle laugh merrily watching Cartman flopping
around on the floor.] |
| Kyle: |
This is sweet! |
| Stan: |
Totally! |
| Mr. Garrison: |
[stands before his class] Okay,
children, let's try with a few new math problems. What is five times
two? [the kids all just sit there] Come on
children, don't be shy. Just give it your best shot. [Clyde
raises his hand] Yes, Clyde? |
| Clyde: |
Twelve? |
| Mr. Garrison: |
Okay. Now let's try to get an answer from someone who's
not a complete retard. Anyone? Come on, don't be shy… [just
then, the doors burst open and in walk a couple of Nazi-looking
American officers. They walk over to the children and start pulling off
their 'Free Terrance and Phillip' pins.] |
| Stan: |
Hey, what are you doing? |
| Soldier: |
You can't wear these in school. It's against school
policy, thank you. [Another soldier rips off Kyle's pin and
replaces it with a yellow star.] |
| Kyle: |
What's that for? |
| Soldier 2: |
You get a star for doing well in school. [just
as quickly, the soldiers make their way out the door.] |
| Wendy: |
NAZIS!! |
| Stan: |
What's the matter, Wendy? |
| Wendy: |
Nothing, Stan. You wouldn't understand. |
| Stan: |
[to Kyle] God damn it, why does she
keep saying that? |
|
[INT. CAFETERIA
— DAY
The boys are in line. Nazi-ish soldiers usher them through.] |
| Stan: |
I'm so sick of these soldiers. |
| Kyle: |
Yeah, they suck. |
| Cartman: |
I know, always saying, "Do this, do that." They think
they're so cooool. [to the soldier] Acht lieben
kraft auch spiler! [BZZZT!] OW!!! [the
soldier glares at him. The boys walk into the kitchen, where they are
greeted by their big, happy, black school CHEF!] |
| Chef: |
Hello there, children!! |
| Stan: |
Hey, Chef. |
| Chef: |
How would you like some Salisbury steak with buttered
noodles? |
| Kyle: |
We can't. We're on a hunger strike. |
| Chef: |
A hunger strike? For what? |
| Stan: |
To free Terrance and Phillip. |
| Cartman: |
But you guys… it's Salisbury steak. |
| Stan: |
Chef, do you know anything about women? |
| Chef: |
Ha! Is the Pope Catholic? |
| Kyle: |
I don't know. |
| Chef: |
Children, I know ALL there is to know about women. |
| Stan: |
What's the secret to making a woman happy? |
| Chef: |
[dishing out food] Oh, that's easy.
You just gotta find the clitoris. |
| Stan: |
Huh? |
| Chef: |
Oops, I guess you haven't gotten that far in your
anatomy class, huh? |
| Stan: |
No, what does that mean, "find the clitoris"? |
| Cartman: |
Is that like finding Jesus or something? |
| Chef: |
Uh… Nothing. Forget I said anything. Now
move along, children! You're holding up the line! |
| Principal
Victoria: |
[o.s.] ATTENTION ALL SOUTH PARK
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL STUDENTS AND STAFF! REPORT TO THE GYMNASIUM
IMMEDIATELY FOR A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!! |
| Stan: |
