Aw, ma!  He’s not even my real brother, he’s adopted.

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…brought to you by Snacky S’mores, the creamy fun of S’mores in a delightful cookie crunch.

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It’s been six weeks since Sadaam Hussein was killed by a pack of wild boars, and the world is still glad to be rid of him.

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Terrance and Phillip, Asses of Fire has been Rated ‘R’ by the Motion Picture Association of America.  You have to be accompanied by a parent or guardian.

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Look, Mr.. Homeless Guy.  If you don’t want to buy us, and not get your ten bucks and not buy yourself a bottle of vodka, be my guest.

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Let me see… uhh, nope, I don’t have any Jewish candy.

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Say, Terrance.  What did the Spanish priest say to the Ukrainian gynecologist?

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Hmmm, let’s see.  Well, first of all, you fuck pigs.

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Fuck my ass and call me a bitch!

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Shitfaced cockmaster”

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Listen you donkey raping shit eater.

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You’d fuck your uncle!

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What do you expect?  They’re Canadian.

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Fuck dude, I want to be just like Terrance and Phillip!

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Hey!  Stop crowding us you shitfaced cockmasters!

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Stan, tell about when Terrance called Phillip a testicle shitting rectal wart.

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I hate you Kenny.

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Shut your fucking face uncle fucker.  You’re a boner biting bastard uncle fucker.

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Hey, don’t call me fat you fucking Jew!

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No, he’s talking about fuck.  You can’t say fuck in school you fucking fatass.

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What’s the big deal?  It doesn’t hurt anybody!  Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

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How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?

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Well, I must say, I’m very disappointed in you boys, mmmkay?  You should be ashamed of yourselves.  I’ve already called in your mothers…

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What’s the big fucking deal, bitch.

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Oh, that’s when you put your legs behind your head and have somebody lick your ass.

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Terrance and Phillip are two very untalented actors from Canada.  Nothing but foul language and toilet humor.

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I’m sorry, I can’t help myself.  That movie has warped my fragile little mind.

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No dude, I’d be scared too, your mom is a fucking bitch.

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The “R” rated Canadian film, Asses of Fire is number one at the box office.  But is the film destroying American youth?  Here with a special report is a midget in a bikini.

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Can I finish?  Please?  Can I finish?  Ok, I’m finished.

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You Canadians are all the same, with your beady little eyes and flapping heads.  You’re trash!

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I have Terrance.  I’ve learned that you are a boner biting dick fart fuck face.

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Ok Kenny.  I bet you 100 dollars that you can’t light a fart on fire.

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Oh my god, you killed Kenny!

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Doctor, his heart stopped.

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Great!  Son, I’ve got some bad news.  We… accidentally replaced your heart with a baked potato, you have about three seconds to live.

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Oh my god, they killed Kenny!

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Hey, why am I grounded more?  That’s fucking bullshit!

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Alright you turds, listen up.  Your moms are away at a meeting and they put me in charge of you.  But you’re still grounded, so you’re not allowed to have any fun.  Any questions?

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That’s not true.  Take this classic Canadian joke, for instance.

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Now Terrance smells like my ass.

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Terrance and Phillip.  Mothers Against Canada is placing you under citizen’s arrest.

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You loved our movie Conan.  We watched it together.  Remember?  You laughed!

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Conan's death scene.

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Holy crap!  Did you see that?  They arrested Terrance and Phillip!

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As you can see from this graph, the entire economy of Canada relies on Terrance and Phillip.  Without them we are doomed to recession.

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You guys are dicks!  Or we will give you something to cry aboot.

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Baldwin residence.  No, this is Billy Baldwin.  If you want Daniel Baldwin call his extension.  Stupid! 

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Alec, do you know what sucks about being a Baldwin?

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Well I’m sorry Wendy, I just don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.  Anyway children, lets start off with some vocabulary…

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Chef, I can’t find the clitoris.  You have to help me.

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My fellow Americans, at 5am today, a day which will live in infamy, the Canadians have bombed the Baldwins.  In response to this, the US has declared war on Canada.

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Now it is time for us to send a message to Canadians.  In two days time, the war criminals, Terrance and Phillip will be executed.

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Fallen one, I am Satan.  I am your god now!

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Move over Satan, you’re hogging all the fun.  Yeah!  Yeah, man this is getting me so hot!

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Aw, come here guy.  Who’s my cream puff?

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Kyle, you need to stop being such a chicken shit and stand up to your mother.  You need to smack her in the face and say, “That’s enough of your shit, you fucking bitch!”

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You guys, stop it.  This isn’t helping.  We’ve got to think here.

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Yeah, what would Brian Boitano do?

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The American government thinks it has the right to police the world.  Your government is going to kill two Canadian citizens, an action condemned by the UN.  Home of the free, indeed.

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There’s the girl that I like.  Now it appears that she likes another guy.  It must be because he’s political and stuff.  I bet I could be political too.

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Kyle’s mom is the one who started that damned club, and all because she’s a big fat stupid b-

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What?  Oh, fuck.

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Ok everyone, settle down.  As we continue to send troops into Canada, MAC is fighting the war against potty mouths here at home.  Here to present the V-Chip is Dr. Vosnocha.

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Patient B-5 here has been fitted with the new V-Chip.

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Notice that nothing happens.  Now say, “Montana”.

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Alright, now I want you to say, “Horse Fucker”.

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Now I’d like you to say, “Big Floppy Donkey Dick”.

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C’mon Kyle, its time for us to get political.

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Then we’ll round up all the grounded kids in town and start our own organization.  An organization to help save Terrance and Phillip!

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What?  No not fucking Brian Dennehey!

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Oh, relax guy.

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It has come to be.  The four horseman are drawing near.  The time of prophesy is upon us!

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Oh, I love when you get all biblical, Satan.  You know exactly how to turn my crank.

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Behold, the first signs of my reign have all come true; the fall of an empire, the coming of a comet, and now, when the blood of these Canadians touches upon American soil it will be our time to rise.

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Yeah, yeah man!  I’m getting so hot!  Let’s fuck!

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Is sex the only thing that matters to you?

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Ahh, you like that, don’t you, bitch?

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Dude, it’s a lady being pooed on.

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Ok, let’s see.  I have to put out an all access e-mail… god damn your mom sucks Cartman.

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More people will come if they think we have punch and pie.

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This is top secret.  The password is: "La Resistance"

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If you were in a German shizer video, you’d tell me, right?

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Saddam Hussien?  That doesn’t make sense, Kenny.

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Do you remember when you first got here?  We used to talk, all night long, until the sun came up.  We would just lie in bed, and talk.

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Satan!  Your ass is gigantic and red, who am I going to pretend you are?  Liza Minelli?

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Don’t get all pissy.

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I had to ride my bike here!  My behind is killing me!

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Sure dude.  On the face of every child.  On the smile of every baby.

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What’s the password?

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‘k…uh, Terrance and Phillip are supposed to be killed, and we think that sucks ass.

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We were to understand that there would be pie and punch.

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Terrance and Phillip are supposed to be killed so we think we should prank call a bunch of policemen… and… and have pizzas sent to them that they didn’t order.  Viva La Resistance!

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Once the show begins we should have about one hour to get Terrance and Phillip out of their cell and into this clearing.  There we will all rendezvous and together take Terrance and Phillip safely back to Canada.

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You must all meet me at the rendezvous point at precisely ten PM.  Sneaking into the show and breaking out Terrance and Phillip will be the most dangerous part, so I’ll go myself.

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Oh boy!  Military action, Ned.  Let’s kill us some god damned Australians.

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This uniform makes me feel like a tough brute man, Mr. Hat.

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Oh boy, I can’t wait for our first shore leave so I can get me some fucking poontang.

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Pay attention!  Tomorrow night is the USO show for all you troops.  There will be celebrities followed by the execution of Terrance and Phillip.

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You will be the all important first attack wave, which we will call “Operation Human Shield.”

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Have you ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?

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Fucking Windows 98!  Get Bill Gates in here.

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You told us Windows 98 would be faster and more efficient with better access to the internet.

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He is an expert in covert operations, a mercenary for hire.  Your first task will be obtaining him.  Get lots of sleep.  Tomorrow, we will all be risking our lives… for freedom.

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Oh boy, I’m so excited.  Just one more day until we can take over the world!  I don’t know if I can sleep, if you know what I mean.

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That is interesting.  Let’s fuck.

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You’re right, I should leave him.  I’m just going to tell him, “Saddam, I’m going to earth to rule alone.”  I’m strong, and I don’t need him.

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And I don’t know but I’ve been told, "Canadian pussy is mighty cold."

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I’m zorry.  Ze Mole is grounded.  He can’t come out and play.

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Are you telling me that you intend to break into the USO show filled with thousands of soldiers and break out Terrance and Phillip?

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Very well.  Meet me in ze back yard in five minutes.  Viva La Resistance.  We’ll show God that we’re not going to fucking take any more-

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You treat me like shit, Saddam.  I’m leaving you, I’m going up to earth to rule alone.

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Satan, please, give me another chance.  I have to go to Earth.

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Heyyyy.  You see?  I’ve really matured.

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Oh Phillip, this is worse then the night I fell asleep and you put your dick in my mouth and took a picture.

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Let’s bring out our first act, Yipee the back flipping dog.

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Be careful not to touch this wire.

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We have to dig from here, so as not to be seen.  Come on, bitches.

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Hey, you need to stop thinking with your dick.  You have to be on your toes, because I’m not going to be grounded again.   Not for you!  Not for anybody!

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Men, when you are out there in the battlefield and you’re looking into the beady eyes of a Canadian as he charges you with his hockey stick or whatever he has and people are dying all around you just remember what the MPAA says...

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What do you think this is kid?  TV Kiddy Hour where we all sit around and lick Barney the Dinosaur’s fucking pussy?  Huh?  This is real life, with consequences you take to the grave.

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You must shut off the alarms.  I fucking hate guard dogs.

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Careful?  Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes hanger while I was still in the womb?

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Kenny's ghost chases Cartman away from the electrical box...

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Hey, did you hear that?  Sounds like a giraffe is dying over there.

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Shit!  Shit!  Fucking guard dogs.  Shit!

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Yeah, that was my bad, sorry.

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No, we can’t leave without you.  We don’t know where the hell we are.

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Where is your God when you need him?  Huh?  Where is your beautiful, merciful faggot now?  Here I come, God.  Here I come, you fucking rat.

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Now the light, she fades, and darkness settles in.  But I will find strength…

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Throw the switch Mr. Garrison.

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Terrance and Phillip get electrocuted.

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Hey!  Some little fat kid saved us!

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The clitoris?  I did it!  I found the clitoris.

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I see you have failed in your mission.  I should have not have sent a boy to do a man’s job.

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Die Canadian, mmmkay?

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Did you hear that Terrance?  I farted!

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Children, take Mr. Hat.  Please, get him out of here.

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Alright men!  “Human Shield” up front, then “Operation Get Behind The Darkies.”

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Kyle, all those times I said you were a big, dumb Jew.  I didn’t mean it.  You’re not a Jew.

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Mr. Hat!  Nooooo!

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But mom, you never took the time to talk to me.  Whenever I get in trouble you go off and blame everybody else.  But I’m the one to blame.  Deal with me.  You keep going off and fighting all of these causes.  But I don’t want a fighter.  I want my mom.

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You are all really fucked now!

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It’s Saddam Hussein, shoot him.

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Yeah, and you brought enough intolerance to the world to allow my coming!  Now, everyone bow down to me.

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Yaaahaha.  Yeah, bend over!

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Relax bitch, you’re better seen, not heard.

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Hey, don’t call me fat, buttfucker!

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Damn!  Shit!  Respect my fucking authoritah!

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Hey buddy.  I know I was mean before.  But don’t worry, I can change.

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FUCK SHIT COCK ASS TITTIES BONER BITCH MUFF PUSSY GASH BUTTHOLE BARBARA STREISAND!

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Come on you weak stupid cum bucket.  Save me.

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I have you to thank little one.  You showed me I had to get away from him.  Just make any wish you want and I shall grant it.

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Sure.  I bet we can be best friends Mr. Satan.

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Yeah, thanks for going back to Hell for us.  You’re a real pal.

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Goodbye you guys.

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Wow!  We were all dying and now we’re fine.  That’s super!

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You see mom?  After all of that it was Cartman’s filthy fucking mouth that saved us all.

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No dude!  Fuck Gregory.  Fuck him right in the ear.

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